213: How to Get Your Needs Met

What if the reason you feel drained isn’t because you’re doing too much—but because you’re doing too much of what doesn’t actually matter to you? In this episode, MaryAnn Walker explores how many recovering people pleasers lose touch with their own wants and needs after years of living by other people’s expectations, checklists, and definitions of “a good life.” Over time, this creates exhaustion, resentment, and a quiet sense of disconnection from yourself.

Through real client stories and personal reflection, MaryAnn unpacks how easy it is to end up saying yes to careers, relationships, routines, and even home decor without ever stopping to ask, “Do I actually like this?” She explains why so many people pleasers struggle to identify their own preferences—and how this isn’t a flaw, but a learned pattern from prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over their own self-awareness.

You’ll walk away with simple, practical ways to start rebuilding that connection to yourself: slowing down before answering, practicing small daily preferences, and learning to treat your needs as valid information instead of a burden. If you’ve been feeling lost, stuck, or unsure of what you actually want, this episode will help you start finding your way back to you.

Work With Me

If you’re ready to stop overthinking, navigate your emotions more effectively, and create healthier thought patterns, I’d love to support you.

I offer one-on-one coaching for recovering people-pleasers and highly sensitive people who want to build self-trust, set healthier boundaries, and feel more emotionally grounded.

What's your next step? Book a free clarity call here to see if we are a good fit: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult

$7 Meditation for a limited time! I also created a special 20-minute meditation for recovering people-pleasers featuring over 100 affirmations designed to help rewire your brain for self-trust, boundaries, and emotional peace. It’s an easy and supportive way to practice more intentional thinking each day, but it's only available for a limited time at this price, so grab yours now! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation

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Links Mentioned in This Episode

• MaryAnn Walker Life Coaching Website: https://maryannwalker.life/
• Free Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
• $7 Meditation for Recovering People Pleasers: https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/products/stop-people-pleasing-meditation

Transcript

Speaker 2 0:00

What if the real reason why you're feeling drained isn't because you're doing too much, but because you're not actually making space for the things that really light you up and bring you joy? As a coach for recovering people pleasers, so often in my practice I see people who have been living their life according to other people's checklists. So maybe their checklist comes from their parents, maybe it comes from their partner, maybe it comes from their church or their community, but they have this checklist in their mind, and that's how they've been living their lives. They've been told their whole lives that this checklist should make you happy. If you just follow this list of instructions, then you'll have joy. This is what you should do for a career. This is what you should do as a parent. This is what you should do for all of these different areas of life, and if you do this, then you'll find joy and happiness. But guess what? Then they come into coaching, and they're feeling unfulfilled. And not only are they feeling unfulfilled, but they don't even know what it is that they want or need anymore because they've been tuned into what other people think they should want and need, but they've never taken the time to really discover what it is that they actually want. For example, there was one woman that I coached who was feeling a little bit stuck. She had been raised in a religion that told her that her place was in the home, and she enjoyed being home with her kids. But because she was home with her kids, she never received a degree. She never really thought about what it was that she might like career-wise. So now that the kids were leaving the nest, she was kind of faced with a decision. She was currently in a job that didn't require a degree, but it wasn't very fulfilling for her, and she wasn't sure, "Okay, well, do I wanna go back to school? And if I did, what would I even want to do?" She had no idea who it was that she was anymore because she'd never taken the time to just sit with herself and ask that question. Another client, she was struggling to decide which job opportunity she should take. Everybody had an idea as to which job would be more appealing for her, and all she needed was a safe space to explore those ideas to see, "Okay, which job actually resonates with me? Which job is going to help me to feel fulfilled?" And all she needed was a safe space free of judgment and free of any other checklists or lists of instructions as to what she should do. She did not need another person telling her what she should do. She just needed a safe place to reflect on what it was that she actually wanted. Still another client, she was looking at her closet one day and realized, "Oh my goodness, I have even been buying my wardrobe according to someone else's checklist." Or rather in this case, it was what she thought someone else's checklist might be. So in order to be a responsible wife, in order to be a responsible mother, she worked really hard to not spend any money on herself. So her entire closet was filled with clothes not only from the clearance rack, but everything was black She figured, "This will make it so much easier for me to, you know, hide stains, to coordinate outfits. I'm just gonna wear black all the time." But that wasn't a reflection of who she actually was on the inside. She didn't even know what style she might like, but she knew that black was no longer serving her, that she wanted more movement, she wanted less restriction, she wanted more color and more freedom of self-expression, but had never given herself an opportunity to just sit and look through different fashion designs and see, "Okay, what might be fun for me to wear? What might I actually enjoy?" And recognizing that she could still be fiscally responsible if that was a value of hers and find a way to express herself Now, so often than my clients, they haven't actually taken that time to identify what is it that might make me feel good? What is it that I actually want? Now, I confess that when I first got married and me and my husband had our first place, I didn't really design the space according to something that felt good to me. I'd never designed a space before really, and so I thought, "Well, you know, I'll, I'll just kinda, you know, I'll look through the magazines and see what's popular, and I'll do it that way." And so I had basic furniture. I had basic artwork. Everything was just basic, basic, very beige It was not really a reflection of who I am. And it took me a while to realize that, you know what? This is my house. Why am I decorating my home, why am I painting my home to be so generic that it's gonna have great resale value, right? That, okay, well, I need to make it super generic so it will appeal to everybody. Well, guess what? When it appeals to everybody, it kind of appeals to nobody So I started actually expressing myself in my home, putting things in my home purely to bring me joy. In fact, right now, like, I really love adding a little bit of whimsy here and there. So in my main bathroom in my house, hanging just over the toilet, I have a golden hand that is holding a vial that I put my propagates in. I love propagating my plants. I'm always propagating something, and I thought, "You know what? I'm gonna put a cute plant over my toilet, and I'm gonna have this golden hand coming out of the wall, 3D, to hold it." And it just adds a little bit of joy and whimsy. Guess what? There's gonna be people that come over to my house that don't care for it and think that that's silly or tacky, but I absolutely love it But I had to take some time to decide that what I wanted was actually a priority for me, that me experiencing joy, that me having things around me that make me happy, that that was actually something of importance. Now, many people pleasers, then they have become accustomed over time to tracking other people's emotional states more than their own, to track other people's wants and desires over their own. They've made that a value, and that can be a great thing, right? When you wanna make people happy, it can be so good to be able to tune into them and say, "Okay, what is it that they might want? What would bring them joy?" There is some joy that comes with that, with bringing other people joy and happiness. But when that's your sole focus, is bringing other people joy, then we tend to minimize or devalue what it is that we actually want, and this is when we become a little bit disassociated from ourselves. We no longer know what it is that we even like anymore. And this kind of reminds me, I know I've talked about it here on the podcast before, but it's been a hot minute, so I'm giving myself a pass. But one of my favorite movie scenes of all times for this population is that scene in The Runaway Bride where she finally sits down and she makes eggs of every different kind, right? So she's got eggs Benedict, eggs over easy, scrambled, fried, all of these things. And she's finally sitting down and trying a whole bunch of different eggs to discover how she likes her eggs. Because every relationship that she'd been in, she would simply say, "Oh, I'll just have what you're having," and was very agreeable, which looks great on the surface, right? But when you're going through life constantly agreeing with other people, then it does actually minimize who you are, and it can create that confusion where then you no longer know what it is that you actually like or what it is that you enjoy. So today we're going to be talking about why it is important to get your needs met too, and also how to identify your needs and how to get those needs met. So first of all, why is it so important to make sure that your needs are met too? Now, we have all heard the analogy that, "Hey, make sure you put on your own air mask first." But for many people pleasers, they do not even identify that they need air until the plane is already going down, until things have already reached critical mass. And at that point, you know, the emotions are really high. It's harder to articulate what it is that you need. You might just be gasping for air. But because you've become so accustomed to putting air masks on everyone else, you make that your priority, and then guess what? You're no longer able to catch a breath, and it can create real problems. So learning how to state your needs is critical, okay? And the goal is not to be able... I mean, yes, we want to be able to identify our needs when we have reached critical mass. But if you can learn to identify your needs ahead of time before it's reached that level, it's going to significantly decrease the anxiety that you're feeling in a relationship. It's going to increase the intimacy that you're experiencing in a relationship, and it's going to make your relationships more balanced in the giving and receiving. Because I know how much you're giving, and guess what? The people that you are in a relationship with, they genuinely want to know how to fill your cup. They want to know what it is that you need. But they've grown accustomed to you minimizing your needs or simply agreeing with them, and so they also assume, "Oh yeah, she'll just have what I'm having. We like the same things, right?" So practice actually stating your needs. When we are very vague about our needs, which is what most people do, is they're just vague, right? They're like, "Oh, I don't know. I'll just have whatever you're having." But when we're vague about what it is that we need, it makes it so much harder for other people to fulfill your needs. And I totally get it because I'm a recovering people pleaser myself, and I remember having the moment when I thought, "Okay, I need to state my needs, and I need to be responsible for what it is that I want." But for me, it felt so tedious in the beginning. It felt so hard to articulate my needs. It can feel like, "Okay, here I am, yet again, taking on the lion's share of the emotional labor in a relationship." But here's the thing, is learning to articulate your needs in the moment, it's not taking on additional emotional labor that doesn't belong to you. It's actually taking ownership of your own needs, which is very, very different. So up until this point, okay, if you're listening here, more than likely then, you know, we'll think about this in terms of a workout. So let's say that you're using your right arm to serve other people, and every time that you're helping somebody else, tuning into their needs, um, making sure that their needs are met, making sure their wants are met, checking in on them to see how they're doing, you're working that muscle on your right side, okay? That bicep is doing all those curls, doing all those reps, and it's getting so big and amazing. But on the left side, that's the one where you're trying to tune into, "Okay, but what is it that I need right now? What do I want right now? How can I get my needs met?" That muscle is simply underdeveloped. And sometimes we think, okay, you know, just like I said, we think, "Okay, but it's me taking too much ownership if I'm putting in the work to articulate what it is that I need." And I can understand why you feel that way because, to be frank, most people that you're in a relationship with, they don't actually have to articulate what it is that they want. You are very good at reading the room. You're very good at seeing what people might need or how you might be supportive. You have conditioned yourself to be very in tune with that, okay? So it's easy to assume that since this is easy for me, it should be easy for other people. If they really cared about me, then they would just do this thing. Then they would just see what it is that I need. But practice flexing that other muscle of actually articulating what it is that you need. When you make vague requests, it's like asking somebody to take shots in the dark. And guess what? Shots in the dark rarely meet their mark. So practice being kind but clear in what it is that you need. So let me share with you three practical ways to start identifying and communicating your needs. Okay. Number one, give yourself some time to get to know what it is that you want. Okay? You've taken a lot of time disassociating from your wants and needs, so dedicate some time and space to identify your needs so that you can articulate them. Oftentimes, when somebody makes a request, they say, "Hey, what is it that you want right now? Hey, what do you need right now?" Then the silence can feel so uncomfortable that the brain just wants to fill it in with a quick answer, right? So remember, when somebody asks you a question, like, "What would you like to do for your birthday?" Or hey, you know, a really big one that came up a couple weeks ago was, "What would you like for Mother's Day? What would you like your Mother's Day to look like?" And many women, they just decided to fill it in in the moment with what they thought would be easiest for the other person to fulfill, right? They still weren't actually thinking about themselves. They were thinking, "Oh, there is a right and a wrong answer here, and I need to give the answer that is going to be easiest for them to fulfill." So remember, you do not have to answer immediately. It's okay to say, "Hey, let me think about that for a little while." Or even, "Hey, can I get back to you on that? I'm not quite sure what I'd like." Because the truth is, you cannot communicate what you haven't actually allowed yourself time and space to really think about. So it's okay to say, "Hey, I just need a minute to think that through," and that's okay. It's okay to take space and really identify what it is that you want. There was one gal that I was working with where her husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and what she really, really wanted was just a quiet day with no responsibilities. That just sounded amazing. That's all that she wanted. Maybe with one or two friends. That was it. But what her husband wanted was to throw her a big party with all of her friends and all of her various communities. So this meant, you know, the book club, the church group, the neighborhood, the coworkers, right? All of them coming together, and frankly, that made her feel uncomfortable because now, instead of just enjoying her birthday, she was thinking, "Oh no, how am I going to make all of these various groups mesh? How am I gonna make sure that everybody feels included? Oh, and cleaning up the house. Boy, I know my husband's not gonna think to scrub the toilet before they all come, so I'm gonna have to do all the prep work to get the house ready, and then we're gonna have to clean up afterwards." And it was not actually what she wanted for her birthday. But because she felt so uncomfortable with the silence when he proposed the idea, then she just said, "Oh yeah, sure. That's exactly what I want." So just notice if you're prioritizing other people's wants above your own. It is okay to say, "Let me think about it, and I'll get back to you," okay? Even if they're super excited about it, even if they feel like they've chosen the most perfect thing and you might disagree, it's okay to give yourself some space to figure out what it is that you want. All right. Tip number two is practice stating small preferences daily, and this can start with just small, low-stakes decisions like, "Okay, do I wanna go on a walk or watch a movie? Do I want Italian or Mexican food? Do I want a night out or a night in?" And just practice regularly asking yourself, "What do I actually want? What would feel good to me? What is it that I actually prefer right now?" You can also try some solo exploration, so maybe you're taking yourself on dates. Maybe you're trying out some new activities, and as you're doing this, just kind of notice, "Okay, is this energizing me or is this draining me? I have never taken the time to discover these things about myself, so what is it that I actually want?" I remember that for myself, I took myself. I d- just escaped for three days to a cabin on the lake all by myself. I got to choose the food, I got to choose the activities, and I got to be the one that figured out, "Okay, when I'm bored, what do I want to do?" I knew I needed to take a solo trip by myself because if anybody else came with me, I knew I would be accommodating them. I'd be saying, "Oh yeah, sure. That's exactly where I was thinking for dinner too." Or I'd be saying, "Oh yes, that's definitely the activity that we should do." And while there is a time and a place to compromise and to go do fun things with other people, I knew that for me, I needed to discover what it was that I wanted for myself. I needed to take that time and show myself that what I wanted and what I needed was also a priority. All right, tip number three is recognize that stating needs is a kindness. Your people really do want to fill your cup, okay? I know that you've probably been conditioned to believe that, "Well, I must make myself smaller. I must minimize my needs. I must be highly accommodating. I must be highly flexible and do what other people want to do." You may have been conditioned to believe that that's the only way to earn love, but you don't need to earn love. And the people that are really for you, they're going to want to know what it is that you want. They are going to want to make the relationship sustainable for you because they're going to want to keep you around. And the only way that relationships can continue is if it is mutually sustainable, okay? If there's some balance there, if both parties' needs are met. So stating your needs is a kindness. If you want people to remain in your life, then you need to let them know what it is that you need in order to maintain that relationship. And in the beginning, it can be a challenge to state your needs, so it's also okay in this moment to just tell people the honest truth of, "You know what? I don't know. I don't know where I want to go eat." Or you could even tell them, "I'm trying to figure out which cuisine I like more, okay? So I don't know if I want to go to that place or that place. Maybe we should go out twice so I can be better educated on what it is that I like." Practice being honest about where it is that you're at. If you don't know what it is that you want in the moment, it's okay to say that. It's okay to say, "You know what? I'm practicing figuring out what I want. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I've been listening to MaryAnn's podcast. It's fantastic if you wanna listen to it and help me with my journey. But I'm not quite sure what it is that I want in this moment because I haven't practiced that. I'm gonna need a little bit of time. Is it okay if I get back to you tomorrow and give you a better answer then? Because I need some time to sit with me and figure that out." It's okay to tell people exactly where you're at. That is a kindness, to be clear in your communication. And also, guess what? I get it, that you have probably spent your entire life not identifying your needs and practicing instead building that other muscle of identifying and fulfilling other people's needs. And change will not happen overnight. In fact, as you start to make changes, then you might still be working through a lot of emotions, wondering, "Well, is it okay for me to want this? I don't know. What if they have a different preference? What if they don't like what it is that I'm making a request for? What's gonna happen next?" Right? Having those fears, having that anxiety, asking those questions, it's fine, okay? It's normal, and it comes with the territory, okay? It's just practicing building that new muscle of tuning into what it is that you actually want. And when you first start working out, it can be a little uncomfortable, there's some muscle fatigue. There's some soreness that comes with it. You might even need to build in some recovery time here and there. But keep practicing and make that muscle stronger. And as you're doing that, just keep building your personal awareness gradually. So maybe for you, this means keeping a list of likes and dislikes. Maybe it means having a checklist of things that you want to try to figure out if you like it or not, okay? Maybe you want to find some small way to celebrate as you practice stating your needs or wants or preferences, right? So maybe you're just suggesting a restaurant that you think, "Oh, it would be fun to go here tonight," and maybe they have a different idea, and maybe the group kind of votes out your idea. But find some small way to reward yourself when you do speak up, so maybe you just have a few Hershey Kisses in your drawer, and you let yourself have one every time that you express something that you actually like, every time that you express a preference. But find some small way to celebrate yourself as you practice doing that. And also kind of start to notice your own emotional reactions. Notice your emotional reactions and just use them as data, okay? That, "Okay, I'm not going to judge myself. I'm just gonna recognize that, okay, this is still a challenge for me to state this need or want." Or, "Oh, you know what? I didn't actually care for that. I s- wish that instead of going miniature golfing, I would've chosen open mic night," but just use it as information instead of judging that, "Oh, I chose wrong. I didn't like that." Remember that all you're doing is gathering data, and this data benefits not only you but those that you're in relationship with. Now, let me tell you what some of the most common side effects are for stating your preferences. Number one is it is significantly more likely that your wants and needs are going to be met. If people know your preferences, they're more likely to actually accommodate those preferences. You might also start to notice that your energy increases because now you're no longer an empty vessel that's only pouring into other people but never filling yourself up. So you're gonna have that increase in energy. You're gonna notice that your resentment is decreasing in relationship. You're going to notice that your emotional capacity is expanding because, again, your cup is more full now, and when your cup is more full, you're better able to show up as your authentic self and not feel as drained when other people have needs because your needs have also been met. Clarity of communication is a kindness, and it helps to strengthen our relationships and not strain them. I wanna remind you that your needs are not a burden, okay? Your needs are simply information. And as much as it would simplify things if everybody was as intuitive as you, if everybody was as accommodating of you, then other people, they're not mind readers. They're probably not as intuitive as you, and they need you to speak up and let your voice be heard. Tell them what it is that you might want. See if you can cultivate those relationships that allow you the space to discover what it is that you want and what it is that you need. Those safe spaces to figure out, "Okay, what is it that I wanna do career-wise? What kind of fashion do I like? How do I want to dress every day? How is it that I wanna show up in this world? What is it that I like to do, and what fills my cup?" Try to cultivate those spaces where it is safe to practice and explore those things. I think you'll notice it will really deepen those relationships. And of course, if you need help figuring out who you are, what it is that you want, and how to communicate those things, then come and work with me. You know that I am here to help. So here's to discovering what it is that you actually want out of life, and just practice vocalizing that. All right. Well, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon. Bye now.