Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

214: Three Ways to Correct Out-of-Balance Relationships

• MaryAnn Walker • Episode 214

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3 Ways to Correct Out-of Balance Relationships

Ever wonder how people pleasers often end up carrying the emotional weight in relationships and why it happens?  Today I'm sharing 3 practical ways to create more balance without losing yourself in the process. 

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • How to recognize when a relationship has become emotionally imbalanced
  • Why highly sensitive people and people pleasers often become the “default helper”
  • The difference between radical acceptance, boundaries, and making requests
  • How resentment builds when your needs go unspoken
  • Simple ways to create healthier, more sustainable relationships

3 Ways to Make Change: 

1- Change your mindset while maintaining the status quo

2- Start to say "no" 

3- Start making requests in relationship 

Challenge for the Week:

Notice one relationship in your life that feels out of balance. Ask yourself:

  • Am I choosing this dynamic on purpose?
  • Do I need to say no more often?
  • Or do I need to start making requests and expressing my needs?

Pick one small action this week that helps create more balance for you.

Work With Me

You do not have to keep abandoning yourself to maintain connection. Healthier relationships are possible, and I can help.

I currently offer a limited number of clarity calls each month for those interested in one-on-one coaching. Email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to secure your spot now!

Don’t Forget to Subscribe

If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations on boundaries, emotional healing, people pleasing, and creating healthier relationships.

Links Mentioned in This Episode:

Speaker 4

Well, hello and welcome back. Now, today we're going to be talking about out-of-balance relationships, how to identify them, and more importantly, how to get out of these out-of-balance relationships. But before we dive in, I wanted to share a personal story with you. Now, many of my listeners know that when I was living in Kansas, then I worked as a reflexologist, and I rented space from the local yoga studio, and I really enjoyed my time there. But before I was really legit, I knew I needed to talk with my county and make sure all the boxes were checked so that I could work with the public legally, right? So some of the things the county wanted me to do was, you know, submit my practicum hours, show them my certificate, pay a fee, all normal things. And also, they wanted me to get a background check, get fingerprinted, get a passport photo. And the real clincher is they also wanted me to get a note from my doctor that said I didn't have any communicable diseases so that I wouldn't get anybody sick working with them. Now, this last one, it proved to be the biggest challenge because when I told my doctor, "Hey, after my physical, can you please write a note for the county saying I don't have any communicable diseases and can work as a reflexologist and actually touch people?" And my doctor said, "Actually, no. I cannot legally write that because in order to say that, I would have to test you for every single disease. That would be expensive. We would have no reason to do that. It would all be out of your pocket. And plus, there's so many diseases, there is no possible way that we could write a note that says that. I would be held legally liable if I wrote a note like that." I said, "Oh, geez. Well, that is a problem. Okay, I'll let the county know. Probably it'll be fine. I can't be the only one with this problem," right? So I contact the county, said, "Hey, this is what my doctor said. Can we reword that in a way that would hold them less liable, but so I could still work?" And they said, "No, that's exactly what it needs to say." So I went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Now, ultimately, I was able to get the county to accept a note that said, "MaryAnn is not currently demonstrating anything that would lead us to believe that she has a communicable disease that would prevent her from working with the general public." And they finally accepted that. Oh, good. I'm so excited. I get to get to work, 'cause this is a very important piece of paper I needed to have placed in my office where everybody could see to make me legit and make it so that I could legally work. So when the piece of paper arrived, when my license arrived, I was so excited, and I opened it up, and then I felt a little bit deflated because what the license was for was a massage and tattoo parlor employee. And I thought, "Well, that's kind of interesting because that's not what I am." But I thought, "Okay, I mean, a lot of people don't know what reflexology is, and so I guess massage, I guess I can kinda look the other way. Maybe that one's close enough." But then I looked at where I was licensed to. You guys, it said I was licensed as a massage and tattoo parlor employee for Leesonworth County. Keep in mind, I lived in Leavenworth County. They had misspelled the county. And I realized in that moment, I thought, "Oh, my goodness, I can't believe that they held me to such a high standard when they were holding themselves to such a small standard." It really felt like such an out-of-balance relationship where they wanted to make sure that everything that I was doing, that I was really willing to invest in these significant ways, but really the bar was pretty low for them. Now, it is my assumption for you that if you are listening here, that you may have also had experiences where you have found yourself in an imbalanced relationship where they're asking so much of you and requiring so little of themselves. And so maybe they expect you to accommodate them, but they rarely accommodate you, or maybe they expect a lot of consideration around their time, their energy, their circumstances, but they struggle to be considerate of the same things about you. Or maybe they want you to completely rearrange your schedule in order to support them and show up for them, but they rarely, if ever, show up for you. Many of my listeners, because they have the belief that, "Well, if I just tough it out for long enough, then I'll finally get a return on my investment," then they stay in these out-of-balance relationships until they just can't take it anymore. They blow up. They become burned out, and that's when the relationship really experiences significant struggle. It is not beneficial to either party to knowingly participate in imbalance in a relationship. So we're going to talk about how to identify imbalance, how to get out of it, and how to notice these things a little bit earlier in relationships so that you can minimize resentment later. So first of all, why are you always in these out-of-balance relationships? The answer is pretty simple. It's because you're a really super awesome human. When you are the person that always says yes, then of course they're going to turn to you. It feels good when people say yes, and they've identified, "When I go and ask that person, they generally say no, and that does not feel very good. But when I go over here, then they genuinely say yes, and so then I feel really good, and I don't have to feel bad. So I'm gonna go to them first next time." And then you become their default person, right? So of course they're going to want to turn to you. You make people's lives so much easier. You never make them feel like a burden, so of course they're going to seek you out. You're the one who always says yes, and so you quickly become their go-to person. You become the person that they can depend on. But this isn't necessarily creating a dynamic where you can also depend upon them, especially if you're somebody that really doesn't wanna inconvenience anybody. We're more likely to stay in out-of-balance relationships when we have the belief that asking for something, making any request in a relationship is an inconvenience. So let me share with you a few stories from my practice with the details changed a bit to kind of illustrate what these imbalances can look like. I had one client who always found herself in the childcare role. She was a stay-at-home mom, and it worked out pretty well for her generally. She thought, "Oh, you know what? The kids can play. It's just a play date. This'll be just fine." But soon she found herself feeling really burned out and taken advantage of. And when she attempted to create balance by saying, "Hey, can you watch my kids?" Then her friend straight-up told her, she said, "You know what? Watching other people's kids is your thing, not my thing. So don't ask me to watch your kids 'cause that's not gonna happen." And it's okay for that friend to have that boundary. However, what was ringing in my client's ears was, "She just told me how she's not going to reciprocate. She didn't offer up other ways that she could, and now I'm scared to make a request because she told me, 'I'm not going to be reciprocating in a relationship the same way that you are.'" It was easy for her to make the assumption that "this friend is not willing to reciprocate' even though maybe this friend might have been willing to reciprocate in other ways, but the conversation stopped there. So over time, then this client, she started to feel really used. She started to feel burned out. She found herself watching this friend's children more and not less, and it wasn't serving her. And here's the thing is, my client, she didn't want to inconvenience anybody. She didn't wanna burn them out, So instead, she kept burning herself out without making any requests in relationship, without expressing that she also has needs and that she would at least occasionally like for those needs to be met in order to make the relationship more sustainable for her. All of that went unspoken. Another client that we're gonna call Pam, right? Everybody loves people-pleasing Pam. Well, Pam noticed that every time she went out with her friend Sarah, then Sarah would only talk about herself the entire time. She would never pause for Pam or anybody else to interject. She would never inquire about Pam, and Pam was kind of just silently waiting, thinking, "Okay, well, maybe eventually she'll ask how I'm doing." And on the rare occasion that Sarah did ask how Pam was doing, it felt kind of obligatory, like checking a box, and as soon as the question was answered, then the topic of conversation would just go right back to Sarah. Another client, Jodi, she was starting to feel really burned out by her new acquaintance, Anne. Anne had reached out to Jodi under the guise of friendship, but Jodi was now realizing that what Anne really wanted was Jodi's connections. She wanted her expertise, her networking skills, And it did feel really good initially to feel needed, but what Jodi really wanted was a friend, not somebody she needed to mentor. So often, people pleasers assume that other people are at least as sensitive as they are. But when it comes to being highly sensitive, did you know that only 20% of the population is considered highly sensitive? So when we're thinking, "Well, it should be obvious what it is that I want. They should be able to pick up on my cues. I'm able to pick up on their cues. I pick up on the subtleties. I'm able to pick up on their energy level and their little microexpressions." But other people do not have that same level of awareness that you do, so it is vital that you speak up. There are a million different ways that we could approach these imbalances, but today we're going to talk about three ways, okay? The first way is to just continue to say yes, but change your mindset about it. The second is to create balance by starting to say no, and the third way is to start to make requests in a relationship. And this is a choose your own adventure, okay? Every single one of these is going to have forms of comfort and discomfort, and you get to choose what it is that you want, but I just want you to choose it on purpose, right? So often we are just resigned to, "I guess this is just the way that it is," and we lose our power. But there's so much power to be had in acknowledging that we do in fact have a choice So first let's explore the option of just allowing things to continue in the way that they are, but changing your mindset. This sounds so simple, but it is so powerful. So much of our discomfort comes from simply believing that the other person should be different, that they should be doing things in a certain way, that they should not be doing things in this way. That's the reason why you're experiencing so much discomfort. But when we're able to radically accept that, "Okay, I'm just gonna accept that this is the way that it is, that this is out of balance, and I'm choosing this on purpose," then it can help you to experience significantly less discomfort. Okay? So let's talk about the comfort and discomfort with this option. The comfort comes in, you don't have to speak up. You don't have to challenge the status quo, right? You don't have to learn how to make requests. You don't have to learn to identify your needs and actually speak them out loud. You don't have to do any of that. That's where the comfort comes in. The discomfort comes in acknowledging that, okay, things are currently out of balance, and it's creating some discomfort for me, but I do not need to add to that discomfort by thinking that things should be any different. I can just radically accept that. Okay, so that is option one. Now let's talk about creating balance by saying no. Again, there is some comfort found in this. When you start to state boundaries, you get to actually do what it is that you want to do. You no longer have to change your schedule or rearrange your priorities or lose sleep just so that you can show up for somebody else. It is okay for you to have those boundaries. That's going to create some comfort for you in the long term when you start to say no. And there's also a little bit of discomfort in the moment when you start practicing saying no. More than likely, this is a skill that you haven't necessarily practiced over time. This is a weak muscle that needs to be strengthened, so it is going to be a little bit more uncomfortable for you because this is new. And that discomfort, it does not mean that you're doing anything wrong. It just means that this is a skill set that you haven't practiced enough for it to become second nature to you. And so yeah, you're gonna have some growing pains here as you practice saying no. The third way that we can create balance in our relationships, and this one is my favorite, even though it does require a little bit more work and effort up front, but the third way is to actually start to make requests in relationship. This is going to help you to get your needs met. And yeah, there is also that discomfort where you have to actually identify your needs and actually make a request, but ultimately, this is going to help you to create more balanced and sustainable relationships. So again, remember that each of these offer both comfort and discomfort. Keeping things the way that they are is already uncomfortable. But there is some comfort in not rocking the boat or making a request. Making a request of somebody else, it can be uncomfortable in the beginning, but there's so much comfort that can actually be had in getting your needs met. Saying no can be uncomfortable, but there is comfort in doing what it is that you want to do every now and then. So now let's look at how each of these clients might handle their current situations differently using these three tips, okay? So for the perpetual babysitter, she could choose to continue to babysit and avoid any confrontation. She could choose to just not say anything and reframe in her mind or maybe look for, "Okay, I know that this friend isn't reciprocating with childcare, but maybe they reciprocate in other ways. I really appreciate that they listen to me when I need an ear, that they're always available with a phone call, that I can always turn to them in other ways. So I'm gonna choose to focus on the ways that they are investing into relationship," right? So maybe you want to just kind of reframe and look for other ways, and maybe that'll make it easier for you to allow for the status quo. Or she could choose to just be unavailable the next time that they need childcare. And I hear you, I can hear you moaning and groaning right now that, "Oh, no, but I don't wanna say no. I don't wanna tell them that I'm unavailable. That sounds so rude. Am I gonna have to invent reasons?" Maybe. Maybe you have an appointment with your bed and you're taking a nap, okay? It's okay, though, to say no. Saying no is, there's nothing really wrong with that. In fact, it can really help to create balance in a relationship. Because if you are the only person that they're turning to of course you're going to get burned out over time. But occasionally being unavailable will help them look for other people that could help to share the load. So maybe this is finding another neighbor that can watch their kids, or maybe it's actually paying someone for childcare. But you do not have to constantly be available to other people when it's not working for you. When you're feeling burned out, it's just a sign that something needs to change, okay? It doesn't mean that anything's wrong with you. It is just information. Okay? So acknowledge that, okay, I'm feeling burned out and something needs to change. Another option that she has available to her is actually making a request for support from this friend. So for example, she could say, "Oh yeah, of course I can watch your kids that day. And also, I know that you're a great cook, and it's honestly a little bit tricky for me to watch all the kids and prepare dinner. So if, when you bring the kids over, if you could bring dinner also, that would be so great. I would really appreciate that." When you make a request like that, now you're getting a meal in exchange for babysitting, and that will help you to feel a little bit more appreciated, a little bit less taken for granted because now you have something coming in to fill your cup to make it more sustainable for you. Okay? So again, just notice you have all of these options that are available to you. You can pick any one that you want. Now, for the client with the friend who talks too much,, she could just choose to just continue with the way that she is and knowing that, "Okay, I'm just gonna mentally prepare and know that when my friend asks me to go on a walk or to meet up for lunch, what she's really meaning is, 'Hey, I just need a space to verbally process and talk out loud, and I would love it for you to be a sounding board.'" I can reframe her question in my mind and then check in with myself to see if I can give it a wholehearted yes or not, okay? She could just shift her mindset around a little bit and continue to have things going along because she's gonna feel significantly different about this friend if she's able to radically accept that this is what it is and I don't need to change her. She doesn't need to be anybody different. Another option is she can recognize that, okay, I can accept that this friend is gonna talk a lot, and knowing that I'm going to create some space for me afterwards. I'm gonna make sure that I phone that friend that is a really good listener so that I can also feel held. Another option is that she might choose to just take a page out of that friend's handbook and just start to volunteer information about herself. Learn how to interject. This friend is really good at talking about herself, and you can learn from that. You can grow from that. More than likely, this is a skill that as a people pleaser is really painfully hard for you. I know that for me, I often just kind of wait to be asked questions, but there is a time and a place to interject, especially if you're experiencing imbalance in a relationship. So she could follow that friend's example and just start sharing the things that are going on in her life and see how it plays out, right? And she might practice it in that relationship, or she can take notes when she's out with that friend and practice that skillset in other relationships so that she could get her needs met elsewhere. Another thing that she could do is just start to create a little bit more space. So if going out every week is causing a lot more imbalance for you, maybe you wanna go out like once a month or once a quarter, but just kind of notice, okay, how much can I give before I'm experiencing burnout and resentment? And adjust your investment accordingly. Because you do need to have something coming in in order for you to better hold space for that friend. You can practice creating space for yourself so that you can have a better quality of conversation rather than the quantity, okay? It's okay to just set time limits for yourself in order to make it more sustainable for you. Now, for the unpaid mentor, then she could let things continue and just consider it her act of service and just choose to feel good about it, that, okay, yeah, sure, I know that when this person calls that she's wanting some business insight. Sure, I can offer that to her. And she could do that instead of thinking, "Ugh, I wish this could have been a friendship instead. I just wish that things were different." But instead just radically accept that, okay, it looks like this is gonna be more of a business acquaintanceship rather than a friendship. Now I did do an episode a while back, and I will link it in the show notes on relationship circles. But here's kind of the main idea, is I want you to picture your relationships like rings on a bullseye. And in the center of the bullseye, that's where your intimate relationships are. And when it comes to intimacy, the higher the level of intimacy, the higher the expectations. So noticing that, okay, right now I have very different expectations of this person than they have of me. She's treating this like a business acquaintanceship, and I'm treating this like we should be in best friendship, and that's shifting my expectations here. So maybe instead of keeping her in the center of my bullseye, where I have the highest expectations, maybe I need to readjust my expectations and move her out a little bit and recognize that, okay, yes, this is just a business acquaintanceship, right? So I get it, that when you're thinking, "Okay, I finally have this friend, and now we're gonna have this close, intimate relationship," then we instantly tend to put people in the middle of the bullseye because that's where we hope that they will be. But that also means that we're instantly putting them into high expectations, and that can make it a little bit tricky. So adjust your expectations, and that can help you to have a little bit more realistic relationship. They've essentially let you know over time that, yeah, I'm treating this relationship as a business acquaintanceship. Okay? They've already let you know what it is they're looking for in a relationship. It's your expectations that need to shift and change there. Again, there are a million different ways to approach things, but maybe one way that you can create balance is just let them know, "Hey, you know what? I actually don't feel comfortable offering business advice to friends, but if you'd like to set up an appointment with me, here's where you can book, here's how much it costs. What do you think? Also, would you like to go to that movie Thursday night?" Right? You can kind of create ways to put things into different boxes to make it something that's more suitable for you. If they don't wanna go to a movie and they really do only want your business expertise, then now you have more information and they have an opportunity to pay you for your services in order to make it feel more comfortable for you So just to recap, there are at least three ways that you can adjust your relationships in order to feel more balanced and fulfilled. You can radically accept that this is the way that it is, and I'm gonna stop hoping for change because thinking that things should be different is making me miserable, so I'm gonna change my mindset around it, right? That's number one. Or you can create balance by saying no and just being unavailable, or you can start to actually make requests in your relationships. Now, of course, this is something that always sounds very simple but isn't always easy, right? So if you would like help and support, come and work with me. I'm currently offering only four free clarity calls per month. These are 30-minute calls where I can just kind of see what's coming up for you and we can see if you'd be a good fit for coaching or not. These are prerequisites for working with me one-on-one, but again, I only have four slots available each month. So if you're interested in working with me, let me know. You can click the link in the show notes. I'd love to work with you. You do not have to stay in out-of-balance relationships. There is hope and I can help.

Speaker 7

And hey, really quick before you go, if you're still here listening, check out the link in the show notes. I have created a workbook using the tools we've talked about here to help you to identify your out of balance relationships and also come up with a plan about how to restore balance. So come and check it out. It's in the show notes. I'll see you next week. Bye now.