218: Empathy, Boundaries, and Self-Abandonment: How to Know When Helping Others Is Hurting You

Empathy, Boundaries, and Self-Abandonment: How to Know When Helping Others Is Hurting You

If you're an empath, highly sensitive person, or recovering people-pleaser, helping others probably comes naturally to you. You can feel what others are going through, understand their struggles, and often step in before anyone even asks for help.

While empathy is a beautiful gift, there comes a point when helping others can cross the line into self-abandonment.

In this episode, we're exploring how to tell the difference between genuine kindness and self-sacrifice that comes at your own expense. You'll learn how to recognize when your empathy is causing you to neglect your own needs, and how to create healthier boundaries that allow you to support others without burning yourself out.

If you've ever found yourself exhausted, resentful, or wondering why everyone else's needs seem to come before your own, this episode is for you.

What You'll Learn

• The difference between being helpful and self-abandoning
• Why empathy without boundaries often leads to self abandonment 
• How to identify what you're sacrificing every time you say yes
• The hidden cost of struggling to receive support from others
• Questions to ask yourself before agreeing to help someone
• How to make your kindness more sustainable
• Why identifying your own needs is essential for healthy relationships
• Common signs that your helpfulness has crossed into self-abandonment
• How to create more balance, reciprocity, and self-trust in your relationships

Key Takeaway

Your empathy is not the problem.

The problem arises when your compassion for others consistently outweighs your compassion for yourself.

Healthy relationships require both giving and receiving. Learning to honor your own needs doesn't make you selfish—it makes your support more sustainable and your relationships more balanced.

Challenge for the Week

The next time someone asks for your help, pause before answering.

Ask yourself:

What would I be saying no to in my own life if I say yes to this request?

Then check in with what you need in order to make your support sustainable. You may decide to say yes, say no, or set a boundary that allows you to help without abandoning yourself.

Notice what happens when you give yourself permission to matter too.

Ready to Stop Self-Abandoning?

Join my FREE 7-Day Stop Self-Abandonment Challenge.

Each day you'll receive a simple email with a reflection, exercise, or journaling prompt designed to help you rebuild self-trust, strengthen your boundaries, and reconnect with yourself.

Small shifts create lasting change—and sometimes transformation begins with a single new thought.

Click here to join the challenge! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/cdf81f07e6

Want to learn more?
Visit https://maryannwalker.life/ to learn more about coaching opportunities and resources designed specifically for empaths, highly sensitive people, and recovering people-pleasers.

Transcript

Speaker 9 0:00

Well, hello and welcome back. How's everybody doing? How's your summer going? I just wanted to start off today with just expressing gratitude. I know that so many of you have been listening since the beginning, and now there's well over 200 episodes, and I am just so grateful that you've chosen to invest so much time and energy, not only into listening to me, of course, but also into your own personal wellbeing. So thank you so much for that. Also, I know there are so many people that are new here, and I also wanna thank you for, for just showing up, for giving yourself that time and that energy. So I just think it's amazing that you are here, so thank you so much. Now, today we're going to be talking about empathy, boundaries, and self-abandonment because so many of my listeners, they're the highly empathetic ones. They're the people that really feel things deeply. They're the people that seem to just instantly understand all of the second and third order of effects, all of the implications that come about when somebody loses a job or when they've lost a partner or when their health is failing. And because they feel and understand so deeply all of these things, then these people, my audience, they are very quick to jump in and help out other people with just a moment's notice. They're very quick to respond, and this is such an amazing and beautiful gift. And also, sometimes when the empathy is really high but the boundaries are really low or even lacking altogether, then it might not be the kindness that you think it is. Instead, it might be self-abandonment. For example, let's talk about people-pleasing Pam. Now everybody knows and loves people-pleasing Pam, but Pam has become the go-to for everybody in all walks of life. So if somebody at work says, "Oh, hey, I have a dental appointment that day. Can you cover for me?" She's going to feel that so deeply. She's gonna think, "Oh, I know exactly how it feels to have an appointment and have to find somebody, and oh, it's just so uncomfortable asking other people to help out and such an inconvenience. So yes, of course I will take that on so that nobody else has to do it." And then on another day, somebody's saying, "Oh, you know what? I have a sick kid, so can you please take this on for me?" And again, she feels that deeply. "Oh, it's so hard to have a sick child. They probably didn't sleep very well. They're sleep deprived and worried about their kids and trying to plan these appointments and make arrangements. Of course I'll help out. I know exactly how that feels." And then somebody else might walk in and say, "Hey, I'm really going through a hard breakup right now and I'm really having a hard time. Can you help me out with this thing?" And again, she's thinking, "Oh, that is so hard. I know how hard it is to be able to think things through clearly when you're having an emotional upset, so of course I can be there for you." And at this point then Pam might start to realize that now she's said yes to a lot of things. She may have even deprioritized some of her priorities in order to make space for other people. And now she's starting to feel really burned out and depleted. And yes, her heart was in the right place, but she doesn't currently have the capacity to help out everybody that's asking her for help right now. So even though her empathy is really high and her heart is really big and it's going out to all of those people, then it's starting to push beyond her limits. And I do also want to acknowledge that, yes, all of the experiences that everybody's having, they're valid, and it's okay for them to ask Pam for support. And also, if Pam says yes to every single request, then soon things are gonna be shifting from, "Oh, Pam is just so helpful," to, "Oh, Pam is now self-abandoning." So just kind of check in with yourself around that. So today we're gonna be talking about five things to consider to kind of just help you to check in with yourself to make sure you're not sliding into that self-abandonment, that you're actually showing up in love and service to other people without abandoning yourself. So the first idea I want to explore is the idea of really getting clear on what would I be sacrificing for myself if I say yes to showing up for them. Would I be sacrificing rest, family time, my personal deadlines, my health, my personal peace? Just check in with yourself and ask, "What would I be giving up for myself in order to help them?" Because the truth is that, yes, it is okay to prioritize everybody else every now and then, but when that's become your default setting, when that's a solid pattern for you, is to make sure that everybody else's wants and needs are treated as more important than your own, then now it's leading into self-abandonment. Because we like to tell ourselves, "No, but this is just self-sacrifice, and it's a good thing to self-sacrifice. It's a noble thing." But constantly neglecting your own needs is not self-sacrifice, it's self-abandonment. Any time that you say yes to something, you are at the same time saying no to something else. This means that if I'm saying yes to taking somebody to their appointment, I might at the same time be saying no to getting my errands done. If I say yes to rearranging my schedule to accommodate somebody else, then I may also at the same time be saying no to what it is that I had previously planned for my day. If I say yes to coordinating for that fundraiser, I might be saying no to having free time for the next couple of weeks. So notice what it is that you might be saying no to and what it is that you might be giving up in order for you to say yes to this request. And just check in with yourself, right? Because sometimes you're going to want to say yes. You're gonna look at it and say, "Okay, I know what the cost is, and I'm okay with that, so I'm still going to say yes." If that's the case, awesome. Great. But if you're checking in with yourself and realizing that, "You know what? I don't think that's something that I can give up for myself," Then that's your sign to say no. And listen when you get that answer. Now the truth is that sometimes our answers are not super clear. Sometimes it's not a yes or a no, but it's kind of thinking about, okay, what is my boundary in this moment, and do I wanna set my boundary now, or do I wanna set my boundary later? For example, my 22-year-old daughter recently asked me if I could pick her up from the airport. She has a midnight flight. It's the cheapest. She's gonna be coming in on the red-eye, and she asked me if I would be able to pick her up at the airport. And I know that if I say yes to picking her up from the airport, I am going to be saying no to quality sleep that night. I'm not going to be getting as much sleep as I need. But I also really wanna see my daughter. I'm okay with picking her up. I want to know that she is safe. I would rather that I be the driver than an Uber driver. We're like an hour and a half away from the airport. I just think it would be fun to visit and hear about her trip firsthand and be the first one that she sees when she gets home. And so there's a lot of reasons why I'm okay with saying yes to her request. But knowing that I'm also going to be saying no to sleep in order to fulfill her request, then I can check in with myself. So I might say, "Okay, yes, I am free to pick her up from the airport that night. That's fine. I can say yes to that." And also, knowing that I'm going to be sacrificing sleep, then I can have that self-compassion and state boundaries with myself later that, okay, I need to set boundaries and dedicate some time later to intentionally getting sleep the next day. I need to be kind to myself. I cannot just go into this with the expectation that I'm gonna magically bounce back like my 22-year-old daughter, right? So I can have that self-compassion that, yes, I can clear my calendar for my daughter, and I'm going to also need to build in some time for me so that I can get some quality sleep and say yes to her request. So yeah, sometimes it's not as simple as yes and no, but it's thinking through, okay, what am I going to need for myself in order to say yes? How can I plan ahead for myself so that I can say yes with minimizing any negative repercussions? It's recognizing that I am not going to abandon myself by saying yes to somebody else, but I'm going to also accommodate me and my needs. A friend of mine recently responded to my Instagram story about this very thing, and she told me that when she was attending grad school, then she made a decision to kind of approach her social life like this. And so when she was invited to go and do something, she would take some time to ask herself, "Okay, do I have time to recover from this?" And if she said, "Yes, I will have time to recover from this," then awesome, she could say yes. But if she didn't have time to recover from this event, then she gave herself permission to say no and to allow somebody else to be disappointed so that she could maintain herself at the level that she needed to in order to really thrive in grad school. So check in with yourself, see what it is that you need, and have boundaries. You can either have boundaries at the front end and tell them no up front, or you can have boundaries on the back end around your recovery time, okay? Just check in with yourself. All right. Another thing to consider is are you someone who is able to receive as easily as you give? Because for many, many people pleasers, then they really struggle to receive. And struggling to receive, it sounds really altruistic on the surface, right? It sounds like, "Well, I don't want to be a burden. My needs aren't that important. It's no big deal. That's okay. I can do that." But these really sneaky sentences, while they sound good on the surface, they're actually creating a lot of imbalance for you personally. And not only because now you're the only one giving in a relationship, but now it's kind of looking like now you're overgiving and they're undergiving 'cause you're not giving them an opportunity to give to you. But yeah, they no longer have an opportunity. You've taken that away from them to show them that they are actually there to love and serve you as well. You've essentially robbed yourself of the opportunity of receiving and having things be more stable and more sustainable for you. And when you do this, you are creating your own imbalance. Another thing that people tell me is, "But if I do receive from them, then I'm going to be indebted to them, and I don't wanna be indebted." But being indebted, it could possibly just be a lie that your brain is telling you. More than likely, you are here listening to this podcast because you're an overgiver. You do a lot for other people. So no, you are not indebted to them when they're finally investing in you, when you make a request to have something coming back in for you. This is not you being indebted to them. This is you restoring balance to the relationship. And by extension, this means that when you're not receiving in relationship, when you're not making requests, when you're not letting on that you also have needs in relationship, you are actually creating imbalance for yourself in that relationship. So practice minimizing burnout and imbalance for yourself by becoming a gracious receiver, by becoming more proactive about making things more sustainable for you. Watch out for that sneaky trap of, "Oh, but I don't wanna be a burden. I don't wanna be indebted to them," and instead practice making requests for what it is that you need in relationship if you're starting to notice that, okay, I think that there's an imbalance here. It is your responsibility to make requests in relationships in order to restore that balance. Over-givers are often the ones that really struggle the most with receiving. They have this belief that, "But I gotta show them that I'm worthy of love. I gotta demonstrate my worth. I gotta show people that I have things to offer them so that they'll actually be in a relationship with me." But then they kind of take it as a personal fault if they also have a need in a relationship. They want to prove that other people need them, but they also wanna prove that they don't have needs themselves, and that is just simply not a sustainable way of living. So practice receiving. Practice receiving in big ways and in small ways. Practice saying, "Thank you," instead of, "Oh, let me do this for you." Practice making small requests in a relationship. Practice receiving because it truly does benefit you and the relationship. It makes your level of loving and serving more sustainable for you, and that only benefits the relationship. All right, number three. Before saying yes, pause long enough to ask yourself what it is that you might need. And I get it, that when the empathy is really, really loud, it can feel like, "Okay, but really, I get it. My needs are not that big of a deal. Their needs are so much greater than mine," right? We think, "No, no, no, their needs are so great. I feel it so deeply. I know how much this would mean to them." But I want you to just pause for a moment and think about, again, what you would be saying no to if you say yes to this. So for example, maybe your heart really wants to say, "Oh, I know that you're really struggling and you're really in grief right now, so I'm going to bring you dinner every night for the next month." And that's because your heart is in such a good place, right? But then later when you really think about it, you might realize that, okay, even though that's what my heart wants to do, that might not be sustainable for me. That might be a lot of pressure on me and my time and on my wallet, so that might not work for me. So maybe instead, in order to make it more sustainable for you, then you plan to bring them dinner maybe once a week for a little while. Or maybe you want to start a meal train so that other people can also help out and it's not all on your shoulders. Or maybe you're willing to watch their kids, but it would be really helpful if they would also send a pizza over when their kids come over so that you have one less thing to worry about. Or maybe you're really willing to host for this event, but you also wanna make sure that somebody else is gonna host next time because you're starting to get burned out from hosting. Or maybe you do currently have the capacity to take on that project at work, but you would also like to make request for some comp time since you know that you're going to be working late and putting in overtime. Maybe you're the caregiver for a family member, and you're happy to do it. You're so happy to be there. And also, you know deep down that if you could just have one day off per week to get your errands done, to focus on you, it would really help you to show up better for this family member. It's okay for you to make arrangements to get one day a week off. The tendency of the pathologically kind is to jump in before really thinking through what it is that we might need in order to make it more sustainable. We don't even recognize that we might even have a need until it's too late, and then at that point, resentment has already stepped in. So practice asking yourself, "What is the most sustainable way that I might be able to fulfill this request?" And let me say that again. "What is the most sustainable way that I might be able to fulfill this request? How can I make this more sustainable for me? What are my personal limits? Practice introducing boundaries with your empathy to help you to minimize that self-abandonment. Because making your level of loving and serving more sustainable for you, again, it is an absolute gift to everyone. All right. Number four, practice identifying your own needs in the moment rather than immediately making everybody else's needs the priority. I know you. You're probably constantly scanning the room. You're making sure that everybody's doing okay. You're reading into their microexpressions. You're reading into their body language. You're reading into their tone of voice, the inflection of their words, the actual words they're using... and sometimes because you're so tuned in to reading other people, then yes, you're turning up the volume in what it is that they're experiencing, but you're also at the same time turning down the volume on your own lived experience, on your own needs, on your own wants, and you're becoming detached from what it is that you actually need. So practice asking yourself, "What might help me to feel just a little bit better here?" Now, I remember one time when I was hiking with a friend, and when we got back off of the trail and were down in the parking lot, then she started stretching her calves. And it wasn't until I saw her meeting the needs of her body that I recognized my own body could also use some stretching. And I thought, "Boy, I sure wish that I could stretch my calves." And it was kind of a laughable thought in the moment because, I had been so conditioned to tune into what everybody else might need that I hadn't even checked in with my own body. And it was in that moment when I recognized that thought that I realized, "Girl, you can totally stretch your own calves." So I put my foot up on the curb, and I started stretching in the same way. And I thought, "Oh, that does feel so much better." And guess what? You can practice doing the same thing. In that moment, I was completely detached from my own body until I saw someone else taking care of their body. And so this might sound a little bit extreme, but if this is you, if this resonates with you, where you feel so detached from what it is that you might need, I encourage you to just set a timer, and every time the timer goes off, just do a bit of a body scan. Notice what's happening for you. Check in with your body. Ask yourself, "What is it that I might need, and how can I fulfill that need for myself?" So let's kind of do a mini practice on this right now and just do exactly that. All right? So check in with yourself. Notice if there's any part of you that is maybe feeling particularly tight or particularly uncomfortable. As I'm saying that, I notice my body wants to move a little bit. So ask yourself, "Okay, what is needed, and how can I fulfill that need for myself?" So for example, do you need to stretch? Do you need to move your body a little bit? Do you need to rest your body? Do you need to get off screens and be in nature for a while? Maybe you need to rub a part of your body to help it to relax. Maybe you need a drink. Are you too hot? Are you too cold? Just check in with yourself and ask yourself, "Okay, what is one thing that I could do for myself right now in order to improve my own personal well-being?" And then fulfill that need. You have become very attuned to other people, and that is an absolutely beautiful gift. And the practice now is learning to become equally as attuned to yourself. And this won't only make it easier for you to identify and fulfill your own needs, but then when you start to actually think about what it is that you need and what feels good to you, it becomes so much easier for you to make a request when somebody says, "Hey, what can I do for you?" There are people that want to be in balanced relationships with you. They want to know what it is that you need. They want to be able to show up for you. And creating that space for you to actually think about what it is that you need, it is going to make it so much easier for you to offer up an answer when they want to know how to show up for you One of my clients wanted to celebrate a win with me on our last call. She has been struggling in her marriage, and she was in need of some reassurance from a friend. So when she sat down with her friend to talk about her marriage, then she offered up, "You know what? What I actually really need right now is reassurance. I just need some reassurance that I'm smart and that I'm capable and that I can work through this." And because she had made a clear request about what it was that she needed in that moment, then her friend was able to show up and offer her exactly what it was that she asked for. I think that you will genuinely be surprised how many people want to meet your needs once they know what they actually are. So practice identifying your own needs. Practice meeting your own needs. Because meeting your own needs, that is the opposite of self-abandonment, and it is amazing how much better you can actually feel when you take that time for yourself. All right, so number five: take some time to just reflect on your own life. Specifically, tune into, "What is my first clue that my helpfulness has now crossed a line into self-abandonment?" Now, these signs, they are different for everybody, and it can be different for every relationship. But start to check in with yourself and notice, "Okay, are there signs that I'm currently self-abandoning?" And see if those signs exist. So a few signs that you might be self-abandoning are fatigue. This one is a big one, and this might be physical fatigue, or it might be mental or emotional fatigue, but fatigue is a big one. And again, this might be in specific relationships that it's showing up. It might be across the board. Just check in with yourself and see if you're experiencing that. Resentment is another big one. Resentment is there to let us know that something is out of balance or that you have an unmet need. So notice if resentment is showing up for you. Maybe it's wishing that your needs could also be met in relationship. So if you catch yourself thinking things like, "Ugh, I just wish I could stretch my calves," then remind yourself that, guess what? You can totally stretch your calves. It's 100% okay to do so. You do not have to wait to be given permission to get your needs met. It's okay to get your needs met too in relationship, and it's okay to tell people what it is that you need, to tell people that you're in need of reassurance, to tell people that you're in need of just a listening ear and please don't say anything. I just need to feel heard. It's okay to tell people what it is that you need in that moment. Another sign that you might be self-abandoning is feeling really irritable with other people. This can be a sign that your battery is running low and that it is time for a breather or that it is time to make a request in relationship in order to get your needs met, in order to help your battery to become recharged so that you can keep functioning. Your empathy is not the problem. But having empathy without boundaries, it is a form of self-abandonment. Now, if you are ready to stop self-abandoning, if you're ready to stop people-pleasing, if you're ready to start living for you, then I want to personally invite you to join my free seven-day challenge. This is a seven-day email challenge intended to help you to rebuild self-trust and stop abandoning yourself. Every single day for a week, you'll be getting an email sent straight to your inbox sharing one tip or one journaling prompt intended to help you to make small changes that can have a huge and lasting impact. Lasting change, it truly can be just as quick as a thought away. So click the link in the show notes and come and check it out, and I look forward to seeing you inside. All right, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon. Bye now