A Slice of Humble Pie with P2
🥧 A podcast where we curiously explore nutrition, fitness, mindset, sports, wellness, & beyond. ☕️Host @parastoobadie
A Slice of Humble Pie with P2
Confronting the Shadows: A Journey Through Shame, Body Autonomy, and Self-Love
Welcome back to A Slice of Humble Pie with P2! In this episode, I'm exploring shame and its influence on nutrition and fitness goals.
Thank you for tuning in and for sharing this with your peers. You're invited to offer feedback, suggest ideas for future topics, or to share times you ate (or were served) a slice of humble pie too. Please note that only constructive and respectful emails and messages are welcome. We're human and sometimes we get things wrong. Let's show up, stumble forward, and get better together!
Website: https://parastoobadie.com/podcast/
Email: asliceofhumblepiewithp2@gmail.com
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Hello, welcome to A Slice of Humble Pie If you're new, hi. If you've been here for a while, yay, I am pumped that you're back. I'm your host P2, which is short for Pear Stew. I'm a nutrition and fitness professional, a curious human on planet Earth, a lover of pie and a comedian Not actually. I just like laughing at my own dad jokes. I don't take myself seriously, but I take what I do very seriously. So thank you for being here.
Speaker 1:Whether you're listening to this, driving, walking, doing chores or sitting with a slice of pie and a cup of coffee or tea, if that's what you're into, let's dive deep together. Full disclosure that all of our conversations are real and raw, so at times we may touch on some topics that some listeners may find uncomfortable. That's okay. If you need to pause for a moment, do so, but I'm holding space for you with love, and we'll have some of the top conversations together. Thanks for joining me, stay tuned. Welcome back to A Slice of Humble Pie.
Speaker 1:Today is another solo episode on shame. We've all felt shame or been judged in some way, shape or form. Have you no shame? You should be ashamed. You should be ashamed. Of course, shame has its place, and I mean it's a human emotion, completely valid, and of course I've actually said those phrases or been told those phrases. You know it's, I think, a universal experience, but also my opinion it's shame is silent and quite little menace, and I believe it's the it's part of the why for a lot of health and fitness schools and I, you know, personally, I've navigated the line of feeling debilitating shame and wanting to hide from the world to having absolutely no shame and not letting anyone or anything have power over me. But the second part that latter is new I'd say that most of my decisions had been made because I was feeling ashamed in some way, shape or form and I didn't want to let other people down, or I wanted to be included, and mostly because I didn't feel worthy or good enough.
Speaker 1:So shame manifests differently, but usually it makes us want to run away and hide. It could be for a variety of different circumstances. Maybe it's because we broke a rule or an unsaid rule. Maybe because we behave differently out of an expected norm, or whether we intentionally or unintentionally said or did something that brought someone else pain or was embarrassing or humiliating. Maybe it's something out of control, like who we are or what we look like and that's like not fitting some arbitrary norm. So mostly when we feel ashamed though, we run away. Mostly when we feel ashamed though, we run away, then we feel guilty, then we shut down some more and possibly can head towards anxiety and depression. And I'm not speaking to that as this. This is a solo episode and it's based on my opinion.
Speaker 1:Um, also, when we have shame, sometimes we try to remedy it, whatever situation with whatever amount of guilt we may be feeling. So sometimes it's like you have shame and then immediately guilt, and they usually go hand in hand. And in some areas that guilt may have been a really good intrinsic motivator at the first, at the beginning, but then it doesn't really last. And if it does like, at what cost? I personally don't want to do anything or be in anything where the root of it is guilt instead of genuine love. I don't want to be guilted into something. I want authenticity and compassion and love. Yeah. So I'm going to divide this up a little bit to give it a little bit more structure for those of you listening.
Speaker 1:We're going to talk about four types of shame, according to Dr Bergo, and then we'll kind of tie back into nutrition and fitness. So the first one would be unrequited love, which is basically one side of love that's not reciprocated. So this can be in a parent-child dynamic. It can be if you want to be friends with someone and they don't want to be friends with you. It can be in a romantic relationship where one person just loves harder but the other person doesn't reciprocate and there is a breakdown in communication in that relationship. Basically it's a rejection which leads to shame you have.
Speaker 1:The second one would be exclusion, and that one's pretty clear, right. It's not being included or left out, whether it's intentionally or intentionally from a group, a community, a relationship, etc. So it's not being invited to something, not being thought of, just being left out and that you know perpetuates the insecurities of like am I not good enough, I'm not worthy, et cetera. The third one is unwanted exposure. So when there is attention on someone or something that isn't asked for or expected, so like unsolicited advice, or if there is like a public screaming match, you're being humiliated or embarrassed. Or when you're being called out in front of peers, friends in the classroom and a training community in front of people. It's basically an invasion of privacy, like when someone is telling something that you've told someone in confidence, or if something like someone hacked your phone and released private pictures or texts meant for a private eye private pictures or texts meant for a private eye. And then there is the fourth. One is the disappointed expectation. So we may feel shame if we don't reach a goal or a standard set by ourselves, our friends, our family, our work or society.
Speaker 1:So my perception of nutrition, mindset and fitness is personal, but also global, and what I mean by that is what does exercise mean to me? What is my relationship with food? What am I working with? Why? So? What am I and why am I working with different coaches? Why do I explore diets? How has my experience evolved?
Speaker 1:And at the beginning it was a bit more internalized, because some of the decisions when it came to food and fitness were more because I felt shame. The decisions when it came to food and fitness were more because I felt shame, like I wasn't good enough. So I need X in order to achieve Y, to feel whatever Right. So this is the language of if I lose 10 pounds, then I'll be happy. I need to do this in order to feel that. So most of it for me used to be more in shame, and then it became a lot more empowering, right? This is why I have this platform and I'm publicly talking about shame. I am not ashamed and I no longer accept certain forced norms.
Speaker 1:So some things, some things, though, are like the cost of living in a society and like these unspoken contracts, right, like no pants, no shoes, no service or you know just basic hygiene, you know having manners, saying please and thank you, and there being consequences for harming someone else mentally or physically, like there are. We're. We have a lot of freedoms, but we don't have freedom of consequence, and those are the contracts of living with people in a society. But there are also some norms let's call them, or things we've normalized that or certain conversations in society that are just really questionable. Like, for example, who decided body norms, right? Whose standard of beauty are we chasing? Like, where in the world are we Like? Right now, I'm in Canada, but the standards of beauty and body norms have evolved over time all parts of the world, and the definitions are different. So, whose norms? What standard of beauty? What does healthy mean, right? Whose definition? And other things like gender norms or stereotypes.
Speaker 1:So, for example, do I have to sit down, be quiet and look pretty because I'm a girl? Or if you're a boy, does that mean that you have to suck it up and be a man? And how dare you show emotion and ask for help and express your needs? You must feel shame. So that's the personal part, but also the global part, and in a previous podcast episode we talked about self-care is community care and vice versa.
Speaker 1:So if I'm feeling ashamed or humiliated, am I aware of it? Is the advice I'm giving, whether in this context about mindset, nutrition and fitness? Is the advice I'm giving or the interaction I'm having with someone rooted in my shame? Or am I translating something that I see online or was said to me through the filter of my shame? And I mean to an extent absolutely, because we all have filters we have language, we have vocabulary, we have our trauma, we have understandings, we have shortcomings and we also don't know what we don't know. So to an extent absolutely. But it's my responsibility as a coach to explore that, because shaming you to see my perspective is not serving you and, in my opinion, is a failure as a coach. That's the standard that I hold myself to. So I've kind of added again for structural purposes, a couple titles and little categories, and these aren't like actual labels, they're just for discussion purposes, so do with them what you will.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about relationship shame. Are you feeling rejected in a relationship with yourself or your partner or whoever, and then looking for food or fitness for that acceptance? Secondary big questions here is are you letting yourself be seen? Are you letting yourself be heard? Are you taking up space to exist or are you hiding? Right, and that's again that's shame, that's shame norm, where usually you're hiding when you're feeling shame. But we have to overcome that a little bit. So that was the relationship shame.
Speaker 1:And then we have body shame. Are you feeling ashamed of your body because it's too fat, too thin, there's too much cellulite, there's not enough muscle, insert blank insecurity, like again, humans have bodies. We all feel some form of shame and even if you're the most confident person, it's something that we can all kind of relate to, and some people listening may have experience with you know, body dysmorphia or mental illnesses like eating disorders, like anorexia. And if you haven't been there and if you are, please, please, please. This is a genuine push for you to go ask for some help and get the support that you deserve. But if you're not there, also know that most of us as humans there are times that we may not feel good in our skin. Have bad hair days, don't feel put together, feel embarrassed. Have bad hair days, don't feel put together, feel embarrassed. Look for ways of you know, feeling heard and seen, validated and finding other ways of self-expression by changing our choices in clothes, in tattoos, etc. And also on the body shame context. It's the portion where society also impacts us. It can also be influenced by culture and religion too, of course.
Speaker 1:Iran is currently undergoing a revolution of sorts, where the death of Mahsa Amini has sparked an outrage over mandatory hijab laws and body autonomy. I was born in Iran and grew up in Canada from elementary school days, so I have the privilege of growing up in Ottawa, canada, and I guess I was raised with not that part of my culture kind of thrust upon me. I've actually had the opposite, where my mom and my dad raised me to have a lot more body autonomy and just kind of be able to explore the area around me, and I have so much gratitude for that. So I've competed in fitness competitions wearing like little bikinis. I have bright colored hair and piercings and tattoos, I belly dance, I love pole fitness, I celebrate my body doing things. I'm really sex positive and kind of hard to shock me, and I just really perceive everything, a lot of these things, to be just part of being human and I'm so thankful that I live in 2022 and not, you know, 1822. And yes, we've evolved as peoples, although we have a long way to go.
Speaker 1:But back to the body, the body shame, right. So this part's really important because it goes back to what the work I was saying that I do as a coach, because it's important for me to be approachable. I've done this work because if I'm not approachable for my clients and peers, I'm not there to help. I'm not there to help because then it's just again me projecting shame. I want people to be able to talk to me about anything without fear, without fear of being embarrassed, without fear of being embarrassed, without fear of being humiliated, and like you can think your thoughts and feel your feels and let's have a discussion about it. And we can't improve as a society when we continue to perpetuate stigma and shun certain topics to be taboo and be like afraid of talking about it. It's like be like afraid of talking about it. It's like, okay, okay, everyone newsflash, everybody poops, we all have nipples unless you've had them removed. Sex is connection and expression, like let's not freak out talking about it, and sometimes we all fuck up, we all need help. Sometimes we don't know.
Speaker 1:And for the body shame part, like I have confidence in mind when I'm you know, I don't really care. I don't care for the force or to telling me that I have to cover it up because it's what you're perceiving Like. Back to you know the cultural portion that I was talking about with what's going on, I want to wear my little booty shorts and my sports bra and if you want to cover yourself from head to toe, power to you, great. Don't push that on me. I won't push it on you. Right, it's exploring what feels good for you, without projecting that onto other people, shaming them into perceiving or thinking your way, leading into the next category food shame.
Speaker 1:So are you shaming someone for not eating healthy according to your standards? Oh, my God, you're not eating all organic, from farm, vegan food. Have you no shame? Or you know you're a terrible human person. You're a terrible person for insert judgment. Or, oh my God, you're eating McDonald's. You definitely hate yourself and don't care about your health. No, I'm aware of food shaming and I, you know, still get it wrong, and my goal is to help the individual and the collective improve relationship to food in a sustainable way. So I'm always trying to, you know, educate myself on vocabulary, language, environment, culture, socioeconomics and more, and my experience and perception of the wellness industry has been to capitalize on shame.
Speaker 1:Oh, you feel bad about your body. Then exercise and restrict your calories to lose weight, because that's how you'll have value. Here's a new diet. Here's some weird advice that not advice device. Here's, well, weird advice and a device that vibrates the fat out of your body. Here's some bleaching cream or skin darkening cream, because you know what you have is you got to change it. You have to change it right. That's, that's how you're going to be good enough. Oh, you don't have enough muscle, you're not big enough. Here's a whole bunch of weight gainers and all of these drugs and random supplements, because that, too, in itself is another form of you know, another standard that may or may not be achievable. Here's the latest fat burning workout and here are the products and services you should consume, because I know that you feel bad about yourself. So instead of being a support system while you grow and confident into yourself, I'm just going to make you feel shittier so that you can depend on me and then keep coming back. Cool yeah, fuck that shit. Not here. No, affirm, no.
Speaker 1:I don't actually know who said this quote, so I'm not taking credit for it. If you know where it comes from, just you know, let me know. The quote is. In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act. This is where I say fuck, yes. And again, I'm not looking at this from the perspective of I'm the best. A whole bunch of arrogance. I'm talking about empowerment. I'm talking about self-respect. I'm talking about empowerment. I'm talking about self-respect. I'm talking about integrity. I'm talking about having worth as a person and obviously being humble, like literally. I talk about this all the time, but repeatedly. There's a reason I named this podcast A Slice of Humble Pie. There's a reason I named this podcast A Slice of Humble Pie.
Speaker 1:I don't feel that you know we're the best thing since sliced bread, it's like. But you can carry yourself with integrity and dignity and not allow shame and all that to kind of define who you are and to show up as yourself. Shame is a part of being human. But we can do the hard work to make choices about our food, our fitness and our goals from a place of growth and curiosity rather than self-loathing and humiliation. Like the steps I've talked about this before in the nutrition beliefs episode where, like the steps are the same, we're still talking about macros and calories and exercise and conditioning, like, honestly, all of those variables are the same but the intention behind it has, like massive different consequences on our mental health and how we perceive ourselves. It's like I can enter this phase of whatever with self-loathing and feeling shame. Or I can go about seeing how I can push myself and having a growth mindset and just curiosity to be like, oh, I wonder if I like change my diet or exercise this way. Like how would that impact me? Like that's a very different approach versus like I'm not like Google it.
Speaker 1:Start listening to her podcast, read her books. Just instrumental on the study of shame. So Brene Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. If something was experienced, done or failed to do has made us unworthy of connection. That's really, really powerful, but, at the root of it, human beings are social creatures and we want connection. We want to be seen worthy by people that you know, by people in general, like, especially for people that we may admire or we respect or are close to us. And we only really get close to one another when we can, you know, cut through the small talk and get to the deep of stuff and be vulnerable. And again, this is a quote from Brene Brown.
Speaker 1:Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. Vulnerability is the birthplace of empathy as well, right, right. So I just want to take a moment for you to just digest that, feel your feels. And now let's switch gears for a second. Okay, so what do we do about it? Well, first, as we've, uh, already covered a couple times, just accept it. It's part of being human, it's that, it's a part. They go in tandem. It's the duality, it's the, it's the fact that they all coexist, like you can't feel one emotion without the other, but we don't have to be sitting in it forever, right? So first, accept that it's part of being human, and then what do we do? We talk about it and express it instead of internalizing it and then stewing in our shame. And it takes courage and strength to be vulnerable, but it serves us so much more. So shame cannot survive being spoken and the antidote is empathy. Shame cannot survive being spoken to and being met with empathy.
Speaker 1:Again another Brene Brown quote. I just took these quotes and I divided them up to pieces. So back to this. So express your shame, starting with yourself. If you're hiding and you're not even allowing yourself to think about it, it's really hard to overcome it. So write it down in your journal or voice note, just get it out of it spitting in your brain, admit it it's. You have to release its power by just, you know, putting its words out, putting it out into the universe and then telling someone about it.
Speaker 1:So, whether it's a friend, a partner, someone you trust to be vulnerable with and I really want to take a moment to emphasize, because obviously this is a public forum and I'm talking about shame I want to make it really, really clear that you don't owe anyone your vulnerability. You don't have to tell everyone everything about your life. I'm not telling you to go on Facebook or Instagram or start a podcast and start to broadcast every single part of you and just like telling your insecurities to everyone. I mean you have every right to keep your privacy. I'm choosing to share this aspect because it really really is important to recognize that it is a very connecting pillar, especially for what I do.
Speaker 1:We can't talk about growth without talking about our shame and our insecurities and things that are hard for us and our insecurities and things that are hard for us. So I'm not telling you to share it all over the place, but I am asking you to get vulnerable and do share it with people that you deem trustworthy to be vulnerable with. And if you haven't gotten there, I really, really, really, really encourage you for the next step, which is to get external support. It's so much more fulfilling when we can be vulnerable and build true connections with other people, and that really really does feed into our experience with nutrition and fitness. So get external support. You know we can all benefit from therapy, and it's not if we're crazy in quotation marks or if shit has hit the fan like we don't know what we don't know. We can all improve our mindset. We can all explore our judgments, limitations and perspectives. We can all learn new language, have our eyes open in different perspectives, like absolutely, and I'm a huge advocate for it and this can be done through.
Speaker 1:You know, like obviously you're listening to a podcast, different books, youtube videos. The amount of books and podcasts and videos I've watched on interpersonal communication, relational skills, psychology, shame, courage, just all of them, and I mean my, my, my degrees in communications and just seeing how it's just it's ever evolving, because it's just we're human, we're human and we were growing. And so, yeah, start there with podcasts and you know these free resources and look for support groups where you know they can have this conversation. If you're not there yet, maybe with some friends, a group of friends that you can have these vulnerable conversations with. And if you do have the means and the resources, then hiring a coach or a therapist. And the other part of what to do about it is we've already talked about it a little bit, but just to emphasize is the support that we surround ourselves with.
Speaker 1:Like, if you notice that you're surrounding yourself with people that are maybe shaming you or they're projecting all of their own insecurities or all of their internalized shame, then maybe it's worth just like seeing if that connection is taking you further along where you want to be as a person, if you feel like it's important to kind of grow and to make sure that you know we look at every area, which is including our environment and our social circles and challenging the people around us to also, you know, grow and be vulnerable and grow with us. I said the word grow a lot, so clearly that's that's let's just emphasize that word, and just so you don't have to put up with it, just because there was a connection, if someone keeps like projecting their shame onto you, like you're allowed to sign up for yourself, like no, bro. So I just want to take a second to say this Know that you are enough. You as a person are worthy to take up space and to show up for yourself. You deserve to show up for yourself and be the best version of yourself for you and for people around you. And I don't mean this in the sense that we're all deserving of everything, like life is unfair and sometimes shit happens to good people, and that's not the narrative I'm using. What I mean is just know that you're more than your shame and that we're, we can do and be so much more when we embrace the discomfort and push our comfort zones and get uncomfortable, and to self-reflect and be vulnerable and to challenge things around us and to become the best versions of ourselves, and in every area, in every area.
Speaker 1:So next episode we'll be chatting with a psychotherapist about body autonomy and overcoming shame and, as usual, we'll be talking about things without a filter and without shame. I can't wait to share it with you. So if you resonated with this episode, resonated with this episode, or if you have things to share that you want to share, you know full, full invitation. You're allowed to message me, email me. The contact information is in the show notes and I really, really appreciate that you're here listening. Please rate and share this with your friends. Yeah, may you have a wonderful day. Please rate and share this with your friends. Yeah, may you have a wonderful day and step out there, go kick some ass. Catch you next time. Bye.
