Ep 29 - Setting Boundaries

If you are able, you should. If I don't,
I'm not a good friend. If I say no,
I'll get fired.
If you're a YES MAN or a YES WOMAN,  Episode 29 is for you.

In this episode I'm talking about setting boudaries, how having boundaries can help you say yes to doing what you love to do and say no with confidence when you know you're in line with you're honest with yourself and in line with your values.

Talk with me about creating and holding boundaries by scheduling a consultation call.

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Transcript

Welcome to the More Than Anxiety Podcast. I'm Megan Devito and I am a life coach for stressed out and anxious women living with anxiety, who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety Isn't holding you back. Get ready for a lighthearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident in your ability to have more of what you want, without anxiety holding you back. Let's do this.
This episode is being recorded in March of 2023. I am so glad that you landed here today. My name is Megan and I'm a life coach for women who are stressed out and anxious. Today I'm going to talk about why setting healthy boundaries is important and why boundaries might make you feel anxious. And also why not having boundaries makes you feel anxious. So if you're a Yes Man or Yes Woman, this episode is for you. And if you know someone else who is, this episode is probably for them as well, so share it with them Let's get everybody holding their boundaries and still being kind and having fun. So let's dive in.
We're taught from a really young age to be helpful and kind and that's a great thing. It's great to volunteer, It's great to be of service, and to share all of your gifts with the world. That's not what I'm talking about today. It's not holding back. Gratitude for what you can do and for what you have is super important, volunteering for places that you're passionate about, or serving in ways that are important to you can really light you up and that is an antidote to feeling anxious. It gives you all of those good, warm, fuzzy feelings. I'm talking about when you're doing things out of guilt. I'm talking about when we do things and the way we feel resentful, or we have all the thoughts about what's going on. So if you're doing things to be joyful, to be able to help somebody else by giving your time or your talents or your money, if you're doing something for the good of your community, like helping to clean up a park or working at a community garden or a food bank, and you just feel fantastic when you're finished...And you love saying yes to that, please keep saying yes! However, if you are judging yourself when you don't say yes because it just doesn't really light you up, or you think you're rude or a jerk. Maybe you think, 'I should have said yes to that I let them down. Now they're mad.' Or, 'they can't do whatever their plan was'. If you're taking responsibility for those things, that's what we're going to talk about. Or if you're highly sensitive, and you're afraid you're going to hurt someone else's feelings and upset them so you can't say, 'No,I just don't feel like going out tonight.' 'I just don't want to.' Or, 'No, I can't help the church fundraiser:' that throws in all kinds of things, doesn't it? Like maybe, 'Oh, great. Now I'm just not doing what God wants me to do!' If that's part of your belief system. Another one is 'No, I can't watch your kids or your dogs'. You don't even have to give a reason. You can just say, "no, It's just not my thing.' That can bring up a lot of feelings of guilt. Or that "should" word when we start saying what we "should" do and "shouldn't" do.
Your identity can also be wrapped up into being this person who's always helpful, or you're the go-to person but not because you love what you're doing or that you know the most about whatever's going on, but because they know you're going to say yes, because you just can't say no! So you might have this thought 'those who are able should.' 'This is what good friends do.' 'This is what's expected of me.' 'I'm supposed to be neighborly',  these are all thoughts that were taught from the time that we're really young. And honestly guys with good intention. We want people to be helping other people. It's what gives us purpose it what really can move us forward in our lives. We don't want to hold back and not share our gifts with other people. But you're given specific gifts and specific likes and dislikes, so if you're overstepping what your likes and your dislikes are to an extreme, that's where we're going.
If you're afraid of the consequences. Say the thought is 'I'm afraid they're gonna cut me out if I don't say yes.' 'They're just gonna not be my friend anymore.' They might say "she's only about herself", or they might get mad, or you're afraid you're gonna get fired if you say no to a meeting at seven o'clock on a Tuesday. These are all boundaries that you can put in place and not having those boundaries can make you feel resentful, and anxious and exhausted and overwhelmed and burnout. Boundaries keep you from feeling all of those feelings.
However, if the thoughts are that you aren't a good employee or 'I'm not a good friend', or 'I should say yes' and by the way, "should" is always someone else's expectations of what you ought to be doing - they're not necessarily your own thoughts. That would turn it into a want. "I want to do this', or 'I don't want to do this' - That's my challenge for you today; drop the should. I did an episode on this; Stop shoulding on yourself.
You'll know this is you if you start prioritizing everything, instead of knowing your own values, or your likes and your dislikes. That means everything that someone asks you to do, or to be involved in, or to think takes precedent over what is valuable to you. What you know lights you up inside. What you know is exactly that you're good at and that you want to do you get excited about helping in these situations. If you don't have those boundaries, and everything is okay, that's obviously a lack of boundaries, right?
If you keep telling yourself that you love something, just to try and make yourself believe it, but you're running on empty, like you've given to the point of having nothing left, so you're just done. You can keep telling yourself that you love it, but that doesn't mean you actually love it. 'No, I really love going to this meeting.' 'I love it!' "I love it that people asked me for help!" Do you? It's great if you do, however, if you don't, it's time to put those boundaries down.
If you let FOMO win. This is really fun for introverts, because for me in particular, like.. we always want to be asked, we want to be included, but do we actually want to go? Because we just don't want to be left out. This can also show up in like, you know what... I really don't like, let's say someone's going to a concert. "I really don't like this band that's playing. It's not my thing." So maybe like if you ask me to go to Dave Matthews concert. No offense, Dave Matthews, but I'm just not a huge music fan. This is true for a lot of stuff. I also don't like John Mayer - Not the person the music. So if you asked me to go to those concerts, I'm a hard pass. But if FOMO gets in my way, and my friends are going, and I say yes, just because I don't want to miss out....where are my boundaries? I can stay home and enjoy something that I love. Maybe that was a bad example. If you let FOMO win, if you go to things because you just don't want to miss out but your heart's not really in it.
If you whisper the word 'no', but then give all the reasons why to back it up. I just want to remind you that no is a complete sentence. So if your 'no' isn't solid, "No, I don't think I want to, but you know what, It's really because I'm tired. And I don't want to hurt your feelings. I hope that's okay. I'm really sorry. But yeah, Okay, I'll do it." That's not a no! That's  I'm going to try and put a boundary down but I feel really uncomfortable right now, so I'm going to tell you why nd hope you say nevermind. Ah, No means no!
If you say yes, but then you feel resentful, and overwhelmed. Like, "Oh, my God, they just keep asking me, so yes, I'll do it. I'll watch your dogs for the weekend. I'm allergic to dogs, but I'll do it anyway!" "I have 10,000 things going on this week but yes, I would love to come help with your bake sale!" If you're doing that, this is what's keeping you stuck in this cycle of not holding your boundaries. It feels like something you should do, or that's expected of you and you're trying to be obliging and you're trying to help everyone.
Let's narrow this down because the problem is the feeling that you get when you have to put the boundary down. It's the things that you say to yourself, when you're going to actually say no and mean it. What has to happen is you have to let yourself feel a negative emotion and the brain doesn't like that. Negative means dangerous or bad or threatening. You have to allow the negative feeling that comes with doing something new, like saying no and holding a boundary to be there and it's gonna be uncomfortable because your brain likes to do the same thing even wasn't when it doesn't like what you're doing. I give this example a lot when I talk about being anxious. You don't like being anxious, but to actually change how you respond to feeling anxious, you have to be uncomfortable. People do not like to be uncomfortable at all. We're in this age of instant gratification and everything should feel good all the time. And I've got news, that's not the way life is! Life is 50/50 and we have to learn to embrace being uncomfortable and having negative emotions. This is going to happen when you begin to lay down boundaries, but that's okay.
Here's what we do. We learn to feel the uncomfortability and then listen to it. We have to listen to that feeling so that we know why you're not holding your boundaries. "Why do I have such a problem saying no to this person in particular?" "Why do I always feel like I have to be the one to cover?" When you can start answering those questions, you find out what it is that you're actually afraid will happen if you hold a boundary and that comes out and how you feel It's stored...it's a stored anxious feeling or an uncomfortable feeling in your body. You have to go to the feeling and you have to listen to it. It's the same way when we're dealing with anxiety. It's just the negative emotion stored in there. The uncomfortable feeling comes from what you're thinking about setting the boundary. What other people think, what you're afraid they might feel, "did I hurt their feelings?' "Do they think that I really do have time and I'm just making it up?" What you fear might happen. "They might never invite me again." "I might lose my job if I don't say yes to that meeting", or what you think it means about you. "If I don't say yes, it's because I'm selfish. It's because I don't care about other people. It's because I'm lazy. I'm just a jerk... Whatever it is that you're saying about yourself also influences why you won't hold those boundaries.
Coaching can help you create these boundaries. It can help you feel really good about why you want them so they're easy to hold. This is how we do it. We start talking about all the things you're saying yes to that don't line up with your values; the things that don't make you feel good, the things that you show up resentful. I want you to imagine being able to say no to something and feel really good about it because you know, "That's not really that important to me." Because what you can do is take that energy that you're investing into doing something that doesn't feel in line with who you are, and who you're supposed to be, and who you can help, and we find something that does, because saying yes to something means you have to say no to something else. And vice versa, right? If you say no to the things that aren't in line with you, and you start putting those boundaries down, you get to say yes to all the things that you're gifted at, that you love, that you can really throw your whole heart and soul into. Boundaries, open up more opportunities by just weeding out the things that aren't for you. And it is Okay to say no. When you do say no, you have more time to do the things that you love. You have a less FOMO because you aren't over analyzing why you should or shouldn't do something. You just say yes, I want to do it or not. Thanks for asking, though. Maybe next time... You realize that you're not missing out on something, it's just the fear that you're going to miss out on something. There's no more anxious people pleasing; you just have the confidence to do the things that you're great at doing that bring you joy. And when you are bringing joy to the party, and when you're bringing joy to how you're serving, and when you're bringing joy to what you say yes to, other people get to experience that. Because I'll bet that you've been in a situation where someone has showed up and said yes to somethin and you know, they don't want to be there. It's in their body language, It's in their energy, It's in the words, they say It's in the expression on their face. And you're just then you're stuck trying to make them happy. They don't want to be there. "Don't worry, it's Okay, You can leave early... I'll cover for you." And then your boundary is gone again. To be that person, we want you to show up with everything you've got and creating boundaries is the key to not feeling anxious about saying no and to feel really great about saying yes.
I can help you figure out what your values are. I can help you figure out what it is that you really want to do and what you absolutely don't want to do. We can get to the thought that you have about saying no. What you are saying about yourself if you say no, what do you think's going to happen if you say no, and then we can find the truth. The truth is, that it's  just not for you and there are so many other things are. You're gonna feel so incredibly confident in your ability to do the things that are helpful and giving and that make you feel like you are doing exactly what you were created to do without the guilt.
It's so simple, but you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable and you have to talk to me about it. I can't just like jump through your phone or wherever you're listening to this podcast and be "Alright, here's what you have to do!" No, we have to have a conversation. The conversation is super simple. You can schedule it using the link in the show notes. It's called a consultation call. A consultation call is a phone call that you can schedule, then you give me a call at the time that you picked. So it just takes you to my calendar, you pick a time that's available for you and then you give me a call. We talk on the phone for about an hour about what your issues are with saying No. "I'm afraid to say no so I say yes to these things." "Oh, Okay. How do you feel when you do that?" "What would you what would you rather do instead?" "Do you want to hold these boundaries?" "Do you just want to stop feeling guilty?" "Do you want to stop feeling anxious or burned out?" We'll talk about all of those things. I have lots of questions. I always ask lots of questions. And you just get to be curious: there's no judgment, there's no catch to it. It's just about you feeling the way you want to feel and get getting what you want so that you're you're doing exactly what's in line with you.
We need this entire world running with everyone at their very best. You can schedule that call, like I said with the link in the show notes. And you can talk to me next week. We can go over all the things that are waiting for you when you put down boundaries. We can talk about coaching, we can talk about what that would look like It's time for you to get in line with what you want and creating boundaries is that step. I'm really looking forward to talking with you and I will be back next week. 
I hope you enjoyed this episode of The More than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And of course when you're ready to explore coaching with me, jump to the show notes. Click the link and schedule time for us to talk. See you soon.