Secrets & Lies: The Silent Poisons We Give Our Kids

We have all done it.

-We have all told a lie

-We have all kept secret

-Some so small.

-Some so big, that they changed the course of  your relationships, your career, and your entire family.

And while it might feel you are getting away with them- the truth is: building your life around lies and secrets doesn’t just affect your daily relationships, they will slowly but surely eat away at your mind and body.

This isn’t just a moral issue.

It’s a health issue

It’s a wellness issue

It’s a lifestyle wellness issue. 

As with a lot of things I have talked about here on the Aging Mask, at first glance a secret and a lie can feel like the same thing, but they are not.

A lie is an ACTIVE Distortion of the truth. It’s when you say something that isn’t true- intentionally to mislead, to avoid consequences, or to control how others see you. A lie is always bad  because they are deliberate acts of deception. Whether they are white lies or huge betrayals, they erode trust, distort reality, and create emotional or relational distance – even when they are done with “good intentions”. Lies are always poison.- There is no such thing as a healthy lie.

A secret, on the other hand is withholding the truth. Its something you keep to yourself- not necessarily false, but hidden. You are not saying something untrue… you are choosing not to say it at all. 

Secrets are not always bad, and not all secrets are born out of malice….but here is where it gets sticky: A secret can become a lie when it requires ongoing deception to keep it buried. When  your secret requires someone else to lie with you, when they create guilt, or anxiety,  when they cause you to feel physically and  emotionally burdened, when its rooted in fear, &shame, And when it involves hiding  abuse, infidelity, addiction or betrayal, then it crosses the line. 

A surprise party is a secret. A double life is a lie.

You know when it starts?

 “ Don’t tell Dad we ate at McDonalds today” (SECRET)- “tell Dad we ate at home and had sandwiches (LIE)- it starts as soon as our kids are old enough to NOT keep our secrets, that is as soon as they start to talk.

Boom! Seed planted.

Our kids watch us lie about little things, what we ate, what we bought, and what we really think. Kids are always watching and always listening, they  don’t miss a thing.

And the kicker is – we ask them to lie with us.

We say:

* Don’t tell your teacher we were late because I overslept- tell them the car wouldn’t start.

* Don’t tell your Mom that I gave you candy

* lets keep this a secret, just between you and me. Don’t tell anyone that we went to the mall instead of your dentist appt.

What are we doing? We are breeding secrets and lies. WE are normalizing dishonesty before they even know how to tie their shoes.

We like to think that lying and secret keeping is something kids come up with as they grow up, but it’s not- it’s something WE teach them.

We teach them that sometimes it’s safer to lie. That the truth can get you in trouble. We are in a sense teaching the kids that love and approval are conditional on playing along.

You don’t have to physically harm someone to cause harm. Asking someone to carry your secrets or a lie is asking them to carry YOUR emotional weight, and some people, and again especially kids are simply  not built for that.

So before you whisper, “ please keep these between us”, or “please don’t tell anyone that I lied about that”, think twice, you are about to give them a poison that is going to kill them too.

Please text me your thoughts on this episode @ 949-236-1529 and let's talk about it.

Enjoy!

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