Self Imposed Rules: Be a Rule Breaker

Self Imposed Rules:

From the moment we arrive in the world, we are handed a rule book, some written in stone, some spoken & some silent. Others are handed to us at the dinner table, at church pews, and in classrooms.

*Sit still

*Say please and thank you

*Give them a hug/give them a kiss

*cover your body

*Don’t question authority

*Respect your elders

*Don’t cry

* Act your age

*good kids don’t do that

These are just a few of the rules that as kids  we are smothered in. Don’t get me wrong,- Absolutely some rules are necessary- They protect us, guide us, and they add structure and safety to our lives.  But over time, we absorb rules so deeply that we start making new ones without even realizing it- ones that no longer serve us. Rules that were never ours to begin with, they don’t belong to us.

Today’ I want to talk with you about Those Rules; the invisible self imposed kind. Not the kind of rules that are written into law, books, or written on signs, I am talking about the unwritten, self-imposed rules that we create for ourselves and quietly expect others to follow too.

Some of these self imposed rules help us. Some hurt us. And some we follow so blindly, we don’t even realize they are running our lives. And some we break- and feel guilty for it without even asking why we made the rule in the first place.

Let me start by sharing what I mean by self imposed rules.

Self imposed rules are  personal beliefs, standards, or expectations that a person creates for themselves unconsciously-that dictate how they should think, feel and behave, or be perceived.    

These rules are not necessarily written or spoken and they don’t always come from laws or external authority. Instead they usually form in response to past experiences, upbringing, cultural conditioning, fear, or a desire for approval, control or safety. 

They are Internal “musts”, shoulds, and cants’ that we follow without even realizing we wrote the rule book ourselves.

They are not official. They are not necessarily logical, but they are real. 

Some examples of this are:

* I must never let people down

*I have to always be the strong one

*I have to succeed, if I don’t Im a failure

* I cant rest until everything is done

* I should be farther along by now

* I can’t start something new- im to old

*I have to dress age appropriate

These are just a few of the quiet rules we live by-often without knowing where they came from. And the truth is, we don’t just follow them. We judge ourselves and others by them. 

Most of us don’t sit down one day and say “I am going to write a rule that says that “I can’t disappoint anyone, I cant say no.” But somewhere along the way, we FEEL the consequences of doing so. We learn that being too loud brings punishment. That being sad brings discomfort to family or friends, or wanting more makes us ungrateful.

So we write the rule...

we adjust

We quiet ourselves

We perfect

And we shrink.

This is how self imposed rules are born, not out of logic, but out of emotion. Out of fear. Shame. Wanting to belong & wanting to be loved.They often start in childhood, or during moments when we felt uncertain, powerless, rejected or hurt, so what do we do? We create a rule to prevent that pain from happening again. We experience something painful, rejection or embarrassment, or judgement, and our nervous system says” Never again,. Here is a rule that will keep you safe”.

The rule becomes a protective mechanism. And overtime it blends into the background so deep that we mistake it for a written law. 

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