"That's Just Not For Me"

Have you ever forced yourself to like something just to avoid the guilt of admitting you don't?

In this episode, I open up about a conversation with my girlfriend that completely changed how I think about "self honesty".  We were talking about the Podcast when she said out loud and very matter of fact " I don't like the Ayurveda stuff you talk about it. Ayurveda, or however you pronounce it, is not for me, I don't like it".

I am not going to lie, I was taken back, she didn't say it 

It wasn’t rude, it was just a matter of fact, she wasn’t apologizing, she was just simply telling me that Ayurveda is not for her, she doesn’t like it. I had to laugh because this is also a woman who doesn’t like massages!  We clearly have different tastes.

Anyway, I talk about why we feel guilty for disliking things, why elimination deserves to be celebrated just as much as addition, and how clarity about your dislikes actually helps the people who love you know the real you.

I also get into lifestyle, your weekends your health habits, social life, and why you cant built a sustainable lifestyle around things you secretly don't like.

The goal is never to like everything. The goal is to know yourself enough to know what you don't like, what isn't for you.

I’ve come to  really appreciate people who know themselves enough to know ,and say out loud, what they don’t like.  

At first it may catch you off guard, but when you see it for what it is;

Its self-awareness, its confidence , and it’s an honesty that most of us never get comfortable with.

Remember; Not liking something isn’t a flaw in your personality, it’s a Data Point. Its Clarity.

I’ve come to  really appreciate people who know themselves enough to know, and say out loud, what they don’t like.  

At first it may catch you off guard, but when you see it for what it is;

Its self-awareness, its confidence , and it’s an honesty that most of us never get comfortable with.

Remember; Not liking something isn’t a flaw in your personality, it’s a Data Point. Its Clarity.

Guilt will tell you that you should like more things. But the goal is not about liking everything. The goal is to know yourself. And part of knowing yourself is being honest about what doesn’t fit, without apologizing for it.

We celebrate discovery. We should start celebrating discernment too.

Because Liking everything makes you agreeable . 

But, Knowing yourself makes you knowable.

My friend was not rejecting Ayurveda.

 She was accepting herself.

She knew it wasn’t for her and there is something really peaceful about that.

One of the healthiest relationships you will ever have is the one you build with yourself. And that relationship begins the moment you're honest about what fits you, and what doesn't.

If you need permission to stop pretending you like things you don’t.

 Say out loud..

That’s not for me. 

And say it.. 

_without guilt

_without apology

_and Without feeling like you have to explain yourself.

You don’t need anyone’s permission. But, if you are waiting for it..This is it.

Enjoy!

Joanne Demers

The Aging Mask- A lifestyle Medicine Podcast

(949) 236-1529

Follow along on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/theagingmask

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Aging Mass Podcast, a lifestyle medicine podcast where together we explore lifestyle, wellness, and our everyday choices that shape the way we age. I am Joanne Demers, your weekly wellness companion. Thank you in advance for listening today. I greatly appreciate it. Now, today's episode is brought to you by a girlfriend of mine. It came from something that she said over the weekend, and I just had to write about it. We were talking about the podcast, and she said completely nonchalant, the episodes that you do on Ayurveda or however you pronounce it are not for me. It's just not me. I don't really like the Ayurveda stuff. Now it wasn't rude, it was just a matter of fact. She wasn't apologizing, she was just simply telling me that Ayurveda is not for her. She doesn't like it. And I had to laugh because this is also a woman who doesn't like massages. We clearly have different tastes. At first, admittingly, I was a little taken back. I was thinking, who doesn't like Ayurveda? It's holistic living, it's ancient wisdom, it's learning to heal from the inside out. How is that not for you? But seconds later, and honestly, it only took me a second. I I wasn't hurt or anything. I got really proud of her, really proud. I appreciated the fact that she owned that she didn't like something. She knew herself well enough to say out loud without apologizing for it and without faking an interest that she didn't have. And this got me to thinking how many of us spend our lives trying to force ourselves into hobbies, lifestyles, personalities, and expectations that simply aren't us. We nod along, we sign up, we show up, but the whole time we're feeling miserable inside. Somewhere along the way, so many of us, including me, have stopped allowing ourselves to simply say, that's not me. That is not for me. I don't like that. Every time we pretend to like something just to fit in or feel loved, we lose tiny pieces of ourselves as we pretend. Today I want to talk about self-honesty and specifically knowing yourself enough to know what you don't like and why that might be one of the most important things that you can do for yourself. Do you think that we do know ourselves? We just feel guilty saying it out loud. Do you think that's the case? I personally think guilt is the root of all of it. When we don't like something, let's just say we don't like cooking, crafting, hosting. It may be that you don't like going to the gym, whatever it is. There's always that little voice that's saying, What's wrong with you? Why don't you like this? And we don't want to listen to that voice. So instead, we just keep on keeping on. We keep going, we keep pretending, and we keep faking enjoyment we actually don't feel. And that guilt, that guilt comes from a few different places. The first, I believe, is social pressure guilt. A lot of activities, if you've noticed, come bundled with a personality type. For example, foodies love cooking, athletic people love the gym, and wellness people love to meditate. When you don't enjoy the thing, or when you don't like the activity, it feels like you're rejecting the kind of person you're supposed to be, not just the activity itself. Secondly, I think guilt comes from the sunk cost trap. And if you haven't heard of the sunk cost trap, that's when we keep doing something simply because we have already invested time, money, and effort into it. Even when we no longer enjoy it, we keep doing it. When it no longer serves us, we've keep doing it. I have been here so many times, I can't, a whole piece of paper couldn't take that all the times I've been there. You've bought the equipment, you took the class, you've told everybody about it, you showed up for a few weeks, and admitting that you don't like it feels like admitting that all of it was a waste. Which it was a waste. It was a waste of time and money. So you just keep going, not because you enjoy it, but because quitting feels like failure. So you continue to pretend to like it in order to justify your investment. And then there's the most personal guilt, other people's enthusiasm. You've probably been here too. When someone you love shares something that they love with you, not liking it can feel like rejecting them. This is a very specific type of guilt, one that's really hard to shake. And after the disappointment is that you just haven't done it enough. You haven't tried hard enough to like it. Try it again, you'll like it. We are so conditioned to push through discomfort, which I might add, of course, is sometimes really good advice, but it makes it a lot harder to tell the difference between a learning curve and a genuine dislike. I think we create a lot of unnecessary guilt because we spend so much time pretending we like things that we really don't. We say yes because we don't want to disappoint, and we nod along because everyone else seems to like it. We think that we should like these things, but every time we do that, we are advertising a version of ourselves that isn't real. Remember when I've talked about false advertisement? That is false advertisement. You are pretending to like things that you do not like, and when we do this, when we pretend to like shopping or hosting, our loved ones are going to keep asking us to do it because, well, that's who they think we are, and then we feel guilty. And whose fault is that? It's our fault. We advertised that we liked it. There is a surprising amount of freedom in simply saying, thank you, that's awesome for you, but it's not awesome for me, it's just not me. Of course, don't say it with attitude, don't say it with judgment, just say it with outright honesty. Because once people know what isn't for you, the guilt you feel will start to disappear. And the goal isn't to like more things, the goal is to know yourself enough to know your dislikes. And remember this: not liking something is data, it's not failure, it tells you something true about yourself. I think we also spend too much of our lives celebrating addition. We're all really good about celebrating new things, new hobbies, a new habit, a new obsession. We share it, we post it, and we talk about it with a lot of energy and excitement. But not a lot of people celebrate eliminations, and I think we should. Elimination is a decision, it's consciously saying, This isn't for me, and I know that now. Heck, that takes self-awareness and that deserves recognition. What if the biggest form of personal growth isn't addition at all? What if it's elimination? Eliminating things that you don't like or enjoy. And every time you eliminate something that doesn't fit, you're not losing something, you're creating space. You are creating space for time, money, energy, and attention to go somewhere that actually matters to you. When you honestly say out loud, I didn't like that, that wasn't fun for me. Okay, I've tried it, it's just not for me. I appreciate your passion, but I don't want that. When you honestly say those things, you create space, space in your calendar, space in your mind, and space in your relationships. And these are genuinely worth celebrating. And most importantly, you create a space for a bigger yes. Every time you say no to something that isn't you, it becomes a bigger yes to something that is. I think that discovering what you don't enjoy is just as valuable as discovering what you do. Every honest no points you to a more authentic yes. And please don't feel that celebrating elimination and celebrating what we finally admitted that we don't like is limiting because it's not. It's not limiting, it's clarifying, and that's another unexpected benefit to being honest about what isn't for you, and that's clarity. Knowing yourself is a gift you give to other people, and most of us think that self-knowledge is a little selfish because it's just all about us, you, you, you. But when you are clear about who you are and what you don't like, the people around you don't have to guess. Your partner won't buy you another craft kit that you will never open. Your friends will stop dragging you to events that you don't like and that you dread, and your family stops feeling like they have failed when you don't love what they love. Clarity is actually an act of generosity. And when you're not honest about your dislikes, you send mixed messages. Okay, you show up reluctantly, you have participate, and your people can feel that. They just don't know the reason why. Being unclear about yourself creates distance, but being clear about yourself creates connection. Clarity also gives people something to work with. When someone knows that you don't like big parties with lots of people, they'll invite you to a dinner instead. If you pretend to like things to be agreeable, people fall in love with a version of you that isn't fully real. And it's a sad place to be if you're surrounded by people who think they know you but they don't. Be honest about what you don't like. Give people the chance to meet the real you, not the version that you've pretended to be. Life gets a whole lot lighter when you stop playing a role that you never liked. And the people who care about you, they want to make you happy. They want you, not the you playing pretend. And clarity is another one of those greatest gift ever gifts. It's a gift that we can give ourselves the clarity to know who we are and the freedom to stop apologizing for who we aren't. And I might add that clarity also saves time. If you know you don't like something, then you have just saved yourself years of your life, not minutes, years, because you are not spending your weekends doing things that you secretly don't like. Clarity saves time because you stop saying, maybe this time I'll like it. You're not gonna like it. If you don't like it, you don't like it. I'm sure you realize that we live in a time of borrowed lifestyles. Someone's morning routine goes viral, and suddenly millions of people are waking up at 5 a.m. They're journaling, they're eating certain foods, they're flooding the gyms, the saunas, the cold plunges, and wondering why they're miserable and exhausted and feeling like they are failing at their own life. I don't believe the problem is the habit themselves. It's that the habit was never theirs to begin with. A lifestyle built on imitation is exhausting to maintain because there's no real pull toward it. And FYI, this idea of being honest about your dislikes doesn't just apply to your hobbies, it applies to your lifestyle too. It applies to how you spend your weekends, how you socialize, and how you take care of your health, even the habits you choose to build. And I think this idea becomes even more important when it comes to your health. Because, quite frankly, I don't believe that you can build a lifestyle around habits that you secretly don't like. You might force yourself to do them for a week or two, a month at most, but eventually you will stop. And not because you're lazy, not because you lack discipline, and not because you don't want to get healthy, but because the habits you tried to make for yourself never fit you from the get-go. If Ayurveda isn't for you and you don't like going to the gym, you don't like lifting weights, the sauna is gross because you're all sweaty and it makes you miserable, and you don't like ice baths, and you don't like running or jogging or diets, that's okay. That is okay. Just don't confuse disliking one path of health with disliking health itself. And don't assume that health isn't for you. And don't let your dislikes be the reason you give up on your health. The goal here isn't to copy someone else's wellness routine, the goal is to build a routine that you like, that you enjoy, and fits your life. Discipline can carry you through discomfort temporarily, for sure. We've all done it, but it can't carry you forever. I have learned that the people who actually show up for their long-term health goals aren't always the most disciplined. They've just found something that they don't hate. You don't build habits around things that you dread. You need to build habits around things you are willing to do again and again and again and tomorrow and the next day and the next. You need to develop consistency, and it's really hard to stay consistent if you have to force yourself to do stuff that you don't like. Consistency is created by finding healthy choices that feel enough like you that they become part of your lifestyle. Lifestyle medicine only works when your lifestyle actually fits you. I have come to really appreciate people who know themselves enough to know and say out loud what they don't like. At first, if someone says that to you, it may catch you off guard. But when you see it for what it is, it's self-awareness, it's confidence, and it's honesty that most of us never get comfortable with. Remember, not liking something isn't a flaw in your personality, it's a data point, it's clarity. And guilt will tell you that you should like more things, but the goal is not about liking everything, the goal is to know yourself. And part of knowing yourself is being honest about what doesn't fit without apologizing for it. We celebrate discovery, we should start celebrating discernment too, because liking everything makes you agreeable, but knowing yourself makes you knowable. My girlfriend was not rejecting Ayurveda, she was accepting herself, she knew it wasn't for her, and there is something really peaceful about that. If you need permission to stop pretending that you like things, you don't. Just say out loud, that is not for me, and say it without guilt, without apology, and without feeling like that. You have to explain yourself. And you don't need anyone's permission. But if you're waiting for it, allow me. You don't need permission. This is your permission. That's all I have for today. I hope you enjoyed that. Thank you again for listening. Until next week, live in gratitude, keep on moving, and go live your best day yet. Enjoy. If you enjoyed this episode and you just can't wait to hear and learn more, don't forget to subscribe to the Aging Mask, a lifestyle medicine podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode, so please leave a review on the Aging Mask Instagram, or if you don't have socials or you're taking a break, feel free to text me at the Aging Mask 949-236-1529. We can talk about this episode or any of my prior episodes. Let's have a conversation. I'm here, I'm ready to listen, and I would love to help where I can. Talk to you next week.