Invisible Guest? Not Really.

Have you heard of the  “Invisible Guest Theory” ?

The idea is comforting: we often feel like everyone is watching and judging us, when in reality, most people are far more focused on themselves.

But I started wondering... 

Does this theory still hold up in the world we live in today?

We live in a world where we are constantly seeing, and being seen, by people who may know absolutely nothing about our story.

We think about first impressions.

We think about how we look

We observe other people

And, whether we like it or not, we form opinions.

So are we really invisible guests? Or have we simply become much more aware of being seen?

In this episode, we will explore the Invisible Guest Theory, the psychology behind it, first impressions, our increasingly observational culture, and why being seen isn't necessarily the same thing as being judged.

And by the end, I have a new theory of my own:

If we are going to be seen anyway... maybe we should get comfortable being visible.

Enjoy!

Joanne Demers

The Aging Mask- A Lifestyle Medicine Podcast

(949)236-1529

Follow along on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/theagingmask

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, welcome back to the Aging Mass Podcast, a lifestyle medicine podcast where together we explore lifestyle, wellness, and our everyday choices that shape the way we age. I am Joanne Demurs, your weekly wellness companion. I hope you're having a really, really good day today. Have you heard of the invisible guest theory? For you people in the back, have you heard of the invisible guest theory? It's been making the rounds on social media. Have you heard about it? When I first heard about it, I assumed it was just another new social media theory. But it turns out the theory is not new at all. Psychologists have been talking for decades about the tendency that we have to believe other people are paying more attention to us than they actually are. The invisible guest theory is essentially the idea that you are an invisible guest in other people's mind. Not because you don't matter, but because they're so busy thinking about themselves, their own lives, and their own insecurities. I understand why people love this theory. I get it. But I hate to be the bearer of bad news. People are seeing you, they are noticing you. It's human nature. And that's what I want to talk about today. I would love to talk about the invisible guest theory. And as I said, the idea behind the invisible guest theory isn't really new. It's just that TikTok or Instagram gave it a cuter name. The concept overlaps with the much older and more established spotlight effect, which is the idea that we tend to overestimate how much other people notice us. When you think about society decades ago, I can see why this idea made a lot of sense because there was only so much attention to go around. Probably just like today, those people were probably just thinking about themselves. What if the theory has changed because society has changed? What if the invisible guest that we're talking about today isn't living in the same world as the invisible guest of decades ago? Today, we see everyone all the time, and maybe that changes everything. I understand the theory, you're not being watched as much as you think you are, you're not at the center of everyone's attention. Most people are thinking about themselves. I get that, and I actually think there's some truth in that, but I wouldn't take it all the way to saying nobody sees you, nobody notices you, because that's just not true. People notice people. Think about the last time you walked into a social gathering. I bet you that within seconds you heard things like, oh, your dress is so pretty, nice suit, it looks great on you, you look beautiful, you look so good. Where'd you get that? I love your hair, your skin looks amazing. Have you been working out? It's comment after comment after comment. If the invisible guest theory really held up in the way that we're describing it today, none of this would happen, right? None of us would be noticing the dress, the appearance, the body language, the hair, the smile, the teeth. We would all supposedly be too wrapped up in our own heads to notice anybody else. And yet, we do. We see people. And most likely within the first 10 minutes, everyone in that room has seen you and registered you. And most of us, if not all of us, had gotten dressed that day thinking about other people, not just about ourselves. We thought about the room we were going to be walking into, who was going to be there, and who was going to see us. And to be honest, I know that I'm not exempt from any of this. I still get dressed for quote unquote them. I think about where I'm going, who I'm going to see, how I want to look, and how I want to present myself. So I have a hard time believing that we are all walking around as invisible guests. If we are invisible, why are we spending so much time getting ready to be seen? I'm not sure how an invisible guest stands much of a chance of being invisible when we are all visible all the time. And here's my question that really breaks this whole invisible guest theory for me anyway. If we are invisible guests, why do first impressions still matter? Think about that for a second. If nobody is actually seeing us or noticing us, if we are all just floating around in our own little bubbles, completely wrapped up in ourselves and too self-absorbed to notice each other, then why do first impressions still matter so much? I think it's because we're still obsessed with first impressions. Think about it job interviews, first dates, meeting your partner's family, walking into a social gathering. We've all heard it. We've all heard that saying. You never get a second chance to make a first great impression. We've all agonized, I agonized, blah, blah, blah, blah. We have all agonized over it. We've agonized over what to wear, what to say, how to say it, how to walk in. We spend time, money, and energy preparing ourselves to be seen. And this brings up another question. If nobody is paying attention, why are we preparing to be noticed? You can't really have it both ways. Either nobody is paying attention, in which case, first impressions shouldn't matter at all, or people are absolutely seeing us, paying attention, and forming impressions of us. I think deep down we already know which one is true. I don't know anyone who preps for a social engagement telling themselves, oh, it doesn't really matter how I present myself. They're all too self-absorbed to notice me. We don't think like that. We think they're going to see me, they're going to notice me, and we want them to see us in a certain way. Now, I'm not saying that people are sitting around analyzing every detail about you. They're probably not. And I think that's where the invisible guest theory gets something right. We probably do overestimate how much other people think about us. But that is very different from saying nobody sees us because they do, they see you walk into a room, they hear your voice, they notice what you're wearing, they get a feeling of your energy, they take in your overall appearance and they form an initial impression. In that moment, when you walk into a room, you are being seen. And that is what a first impression is. Those first few minutes when someone is taking in information and forming an initial read on you. We all know this because we do it too. We all do it. So maybe the issue isn't that people are looking at us. Maybe it's that we exaggerate what happens after they look at us. That's the key distinction. People do see you, they form opinions, they may even judge you, but that doesn't mean they are thinking about you all day long. They go back to their lives, and so do you. So if the invisible guest theory stood on its own, we would stop caring about first impressions altogether. But we don't, not even a little. And that to me, that's proof that we don't really believe we're invisible. We just love the idea of it. And another reason I don't think the invisible guest theory tells the whole story anymore is that I think the way we live has changed. That's decades ago, it was a community life. You may have gone to the same church every week as everyone else. You saw the same people at the store, you went to the same neighborhood block parties, your kids went to the same schools, you knew your neighbors, you saw the same faces over and over and over again. People knew you. And that matters because when people know you, they have context, they know your history, they know your story. So one awkward moment, a bad outfit or a bad hair day doesn't define you because there's a whole history behind that one awkward moment. But today, so many of our interactions are so different. A lot of people around us are strangers, one-time interactions, people we mostly know from a screen. So that one moment, that one outfit, that one thing you said, that's all they have. There's no history to soften it, and there's no context to fall back on. And I think that changes the way that we experience being seen. We really aren't being seen by people who already know us. We're constantly being reintroduced and introduced and evaluated from scratch. And maybe that's why today we care so much about how we are presenting ourselves. And maybe we've moved from a society where you were known to a society where we are constantly asking, How am I being perceived? And that's a very different experience. So maybe the invisible guest theory isn't quite so invisible anymore because we're living in a world where we are constantly being seen by people who don't know our story. So now, if we're no longer being judged against a backdrop of history and context, if every appearance is a blank slate, it makes sense that we have gotten really, really good at reading people fast. We have to. And that has turned us into something I don't think existed a few generations ago. We have become observers and not just observers, we have become professional observers, and that is not an exaggeration, it's a skill that we have built, whether we have meant to or not. Within seconds of seeing someone, we are running a full read. Their face, something has changed, their energy. Are they confident? Are they nervous? Are they overcompensating? We're not just glancing at people anymore. We are literally scanning them. And this isn't just a casual noticing, this is trained observation sharpened by years of doing exactly this on social media, in the comments section, in the group chats, after we leave a room. We have built the muscle of a professional observer, and now we can't stop flexing it. Nobody is invisible, not even for a second. Not even, excuse me, not even for a second. I get all fired up about this. I actually think there is something really liberating about accepting that we are visible. And I think I need to make an important distinction here, and that is being seen isn't the same as being judged. Someone seeing you doesn't mean they're criticizing you. We're just constantly taking in information about the people around us. That's observation. Judgment is something different, and even when someone does form a judgment about you, that doesn't automatically make their judgment true. Someone can look at you and have an opinion, and you can survive that opinion. You don't have to control it or correct it, you don't even have to know what it is. An FYI, you can do everything right, and someone will still have an opinion. That's life. That's life. And being seen isn't the problem. Sometimes the problem is believing that being seen means you have to be perfect, which you don't. So the next time that you walk into a room, really become aware of yourself. Notice what you are feeling. Maybe you are really being looked at and noticed and seen. Maybe someone is really looking at you and forming an opinion. And instead of immediately thinking, oh what are they thinking? Own it. Own yourself. Yep, I'm here. Let them see you. Let them have their opinion. And then get back to business. So what do you think? Did I make my case? Did I convince you that maybe the invisible guest theory doesn't hold up the way it used to? And here's where I've landed on all this. We're not invisible, at least not now, anyway. And most likely we never were. We are seen, we are noticed, we are evaluated, sometimes by strangers, sometimes by the people that we love, and sometimes by the people who really know us. And sometimes we're critiqued. And that's part of being human. So in my eyes, if we're going to be seen anyway, I don't think chasing invisibility is going to work. But I think there are two words that might actually help us out comfort and confidence. Because I think both of these words are contagious. And this is what I call my monkey see, monkey do effect. We take social cues from the people around us, right? Right. So think about walking into a room and seeing someone who is completely comfortable in their own skin. They're relaxed and they're confident and they're comfortable. Doesn't seeing that make you feel a little more confident and comfortable? Do you relax a little when you see that person? That one person helps everybody else feel like they are given permission to relax, feel comfortable, and feel confident also. If I'm comfortable, you're comfortable. And if you're comfortable, I'm comfortable. That's it. That's my new theory. And I'm not going to pretend that nobody's looking. I am going to decide what I want them to see. We are not invisible guests. We haven't been for ages. So let's drop the invisibility act and just show up as ourselves. Be seen, be comfortable, be confident. Just show up and be yourself. That's all. Thank you for spending time with me today. And remember, if I'm comfortable, you're comfortable. That's all I have for today. Thank you again for listening. Until next Wednesday, live in gratitude. Keep on moving and go live your best day yet. Enjoy. If you have enjoyed this episode and just can't wait to hear and learn more, don't forget to subscribe to the Aging Mask, a lifestyle medicine podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. And I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. So please leave a review on the Aging Mask Instagram. Or if you don't have socials or you're taking a break, feel free to text me at the Aging Mask 949 236 1529. We can talk about this episode or any of my prior episodes. Let's have a conversation. I love conversation. I'm here and I'm ready to listen, and I would love to help where I can. Talk to you next week.