Standing Up To Grief and Drunk Driving with Michael Gershe

Michael Gershe, comedian and author, was just a baby when his life was changed forever by a drunk driver. We discuss the long lasting impacts of the accident and the ways grief has continued to show up in his life. Michael shares with us how he is a comedian and a public speaker against drunk driving, and how he has processed his grief over his lifetime.

To follow or get in touch with Michael, find him on Facebook @MichaelGershe, on Instagram @GershePix, or at his website www.themagicoflife.org

His book, "The Magic of Life: A Son's Story of Hope after Tragedy, Grief, and a Speedo" can be found on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. 

Transcript

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0:01

Hello, and welcome back to the grief trails podcast. I'm your host, Amanda. Kernaghan from remember grams. A small business dedicated to helping you support those in your life. Experiencing grief. I hope you'll consider sending someone a personalized card or a grape support box shipping within the us as a waste free. We treat each order with special care paying attention to every detail. Today on the podcast, we'll be talking about something we've all heard about. Maybe we remember the assemblies and high school that taught us about the dangerous of drinking and driving. Or we know someone who's gotten behind the wheel while intoxicated. We see the accidents on the side of the road or on the evening news, or we know someone who's been personally impacted by a drunk driver. The statistics, even now after educational campaigns and stretch laws are still staggering. On average 37 people die every day in the U S as a result of impaired driving. Now think back to the 1970s. Back to when cars were not made to the same intense safety regulations that we require today. Back before seatbelt laws and car seats. Our guests today, Michael Gersh, Comedian and author of the book, the magic of life, a son story of hope after tragedy, grief, and a Speedo. I was just a baby. When an accident caused by a drunk driver, changed his life forever. Let's take a lesson.

Mandy 1:26

So your story starts long ago and probably before your memory even is there, but tell me. However you would start your story of your life and what happened to you.

Michael 1:39

Sometimes I think my memory back then might be better than it is now. I was I was eight weeks old when grief and trauma hit our family. My father was driving his home from Long Island. And when I say us as my brother, who was three, my mom, who was the front middle seat. And I was next to my mom and a little baby carrier next to her. There weren't any car seats. 1970, like the word, like the 80s. Right. And we were less than a mile away from our house when a drunk driver plowed through the intersection and t boned the car. Because we were going through the intersection. We had the green light and the drunk driver plowed through the red light on his side. T boned the car, the force of the impact totaled the cars. It pushed our car into a telephone pole and split it all the way up to the dashboard. So when the first responders arrived, they found my Mother, father, and brother. They didn't find me until like 10, 15 minutes later. And someone's a family sandwich between the door and the dash of the car. And then the four of us were taken to the hospital. My brother didn't have a scratch on them at all, which is pretty much of a miracle. But you hear about drunk drivers who walk away. Sometimes they run away, but no injuries, but also people who are sleeping and you know, in. They can't tense up, right? So my brother had no idea. My dad had to get stitches on his face from the windshield breaking and hitting him. My mom was taken into surgery. As for me, all my bones were nearly broken. My skull was completely fractured from one side of my head to the other. So the fact I'm 53 years old and talking to you today is nothing short of a miracle as well.

Mandy 3:11

Wow. And just to think about the fact that we didn't have car seats the way we do today. Yeah, exactly. And the fact that you were able to survive without that kind of safety that we now rely on is. Yeah. That's

Michael 3:23

crazy. Yeah. And I was like, if I didn't know the hospital and the doctors were telling my dad, well, I was touching go, they had no idea if I was going to survive and, and I had to get numerous blood transfusions and they had to put me on a special board. They couldn't, you know Put me in a cast because I was all cartilage, so it was sort of a wait and see type of thing. And then I had to go back for months afterwards, make sure I didn't have any brain damage. I think I'm fine. My friends would say maybe not, but they're not here on this interview. So I think I'm okay. But with all my injuries, I grew up to be a competitive swimmer. I went to college on a swimming scholarship. I chased my dream of being a comedian. I wrote a book about my life, a little memoir, a photographer. So knowing how blessed I am to be here on a daily basis, even on the dark days, you still kind of go, well, I'm sort of lucky to be here. Now, my mom unfortunately died the next morning due to her injuries and she was 28 years old. So I'm a mother's child who never knew his mom because of a drunk driver, you know, I mean, I never heard my mom's laugh her name, her voice, you know, that memory, no recognition of it at all. So it's been one of those journeys of a lot of what ifs in terms of, of your life, you know, what happened and that would. Go crazy in their brain for a long time, but swimming helped having a sense of humor helped as a defense mechanism, I would swim angry in college, I wasn't like an angry person, but I was angry at Harvey Dennison who killed my mom angry at God, angry at my father for never talking about it, it was a good, healthy outlet to deal with grief and trauma, even growing up. It was swimming. It was Spider Man. It was Star Wars. It was books. It was reading to escape, you know, whatever it was, and then the older you get, you realize you really can't escape from that. And then it starts to hit more and more in terms of you start questioning things about why are you alive and, and my mother's death and the grief in terms of the trauma. Even though my brother and I were raised by a Jamaican woman, along with my dad. So, this woman named Dolly, she answered an ad my grandmother put in the newspaper for part time help. You know, Dolly is originally from Jamaica. She was in England at the time, working in Scotland Yard. And she was visiting her sister in New York for three months. Saw the ad, figured let me find a job while I'm here. It's only part time, right? Well, what was supposed to be a part time job turned into a lifetime. So she raised me, my brother as her own flesh and blood. And, you know, she's 92 years old, lives in South Florida, not too far away from my brother. And you know, she, she stepped into a horrible situation of us losing her mom and it became a motherhood role for us. So we got lucky with her. Because she taught me about unconditional love and human spirit and all those wonderful qualities we should have in life. So along with her, my dad, they raised us. And my dad was never the same person ever again, obviously, never talked about it, you know, and it was a different era in terms of dealing with grief and trauma. For

Mandy 6:33

sure. Yeah, I think it's definitely changed rapidly over the decades. How people are willing to open up and talk about things that have happened. I know like my grandmother, so my father's mother died very young and his dad refused to talk about it. And like, it was just very secretive and quiet and everything. So I think that is a positive change in our culture. We're getting there, right? We have this whole podcast and many others that talk about grief. So that's a step in the right direction. But for you, Knowing that like you had no memory of this happening and no memory of your mom, what, do you, do you remember how old you were when you learned about what had happened and, and figured out that she had died and how that had

Michael 7:13

happened? I was really young. It had to be grade school because on every school's form, you had to write mother's name. And it was. You know, deceased. I remember, I recall my dad's handwriting for deceased. Then after a while, you know, you start, I start writing in as well. And no one ever asked why or how, but it was early on in my life. And then of course you realize something's a little bit different when, you know, it's three white guys and a black woman, right? And there was no, so, you know, your family dynamic is different. And that's all I knew that was, you know, normal. Dolly would spend, the job was Monday through Friday and she would stay in my room. So I would, you know, play hide and seek with her through the crib bars and stuff, and so that's all I knew, but I can't really pinpoint a specific age, but I know it was early on and in my youth I guess you could say that I knew that my mother was dead and I didn't know it was drunk driving to high school though, because I went into my dad's room to get his wallet, and next to the wallet was the press release. And that's how I found out I was drunk driving, and that's what put me into Students Against Drunk Driving. That's what it was called back then, and it kind of put me on the path to share my story to, to make a difference. And that's

Mandy 8:25

right around the age when we start having like assemblies at school, right? And learning about drunk driving and, you know, as kids are preparing to be drivers themselves. So it's interesting that that's when you learned the cause and where you immediately felt called to get involved in those organizations. And Yeah, I did.

Michael 8:45

I remember doing something in high school. We would do these plays to the junior high about drugs and stuff. And I grew up in Miami, Florida. So we're talking Scarface, Miami Vice era, where drugs were, you know, part of the Miami culture. And I still remember Mercury Morse coming to my high school. Not too soon after Miami Dolphins wide receiver Murphy Morris, who got busted for cocaine, and he was bitter and angry and scared the crap out of me to like, no, no, I'm never going to do drugs. And so, yeah, back then it was those scared straight programs right where it wasn't like my program involves comedy and audience participation and in, you know, to inspire them I don't want to, you know, it's not doom and gloom, where a lot of programs are I don't think it works for students but back then. 80s, you know, it was, I was all doom and gloom, you know, for those things and, and that had an impact, but also for me, going out with my friends, you know, knowing, even though my dad would say, you know, I don't care what time it is, just call, but I never wanted to disappoint them. And he wouldn't answer anyway, because he was fast asleep in a lazy boy chair anyway. So, you know, just resting his eyes as he would like to say. Oh, yeah. Right. But yeah, it was just you're right around that pivotal time of 15, you know, 16, where I think for me, I discovered purpose, and it was not wanting other families to go through this and knowing that and then in college, it was become a peer educator and then. campus activities board and know that you could be a speaker for those type of things. And then, then grad school for higher education and, you know, being a part of that atmosphere and an environment. So it all kind of blended together after a while about purpose and what I could do with my story and, and try to save some lives.

Mandy 10:31

So I know you said your dad didn't openly talk about what had happened with you. Did you and your brother talk about it openly? And did your brother ever get involved in these types of things? Or has he handled it differently and not wanted to speak on it?

Michael 10:44

No, we really don't. He remembers bits and pieces of the car crash. And he had some memories of my mom and his adjustment. Afterwards was really tough as a three year old because when my dad would go to work, he would cry. He would throw a fit because, you know, one day mom didn't come home. So he had that separation anxiety. So they had to do different stuff for him. Even he had to get adjusted to Dolly. One time, I think it finally happened when it was his turn to go to bed and Dolly was on the phone. And she said to Jeff, your grandmother will put you to bed. And he sat down on the floor and he said, I'll, I'll wait for you. And you know, Dolly was talking about tennis. She would never get off the phone anyway. So it was probably a long wait knowing her, but he had that hard of adjustment, but we never really talked about it because of, you know, memories and those types of things. And, and my brother is, if he hears this, probably to say something, but he was like, my father hides it, you know, doesn't want to talk about it. Even when my father passed away, my aunt passed away 90 days apart. Where I ended up in grief counseling, six, seven months later, he still had a hard time with it. And my brother, my dad had a stronger bond. I think my brother, my aunt had a stronger bond because I live in Ohio, they live in South Florida. So it was, you know, they got together more, but I think my brother maybe channeled his. grief and trauma a different way than me, but he's, he teaches kids how to swim. So we're both doing something to save lives just in a different way. So, you know, we were both swimmers and then just like, I get tired of reading my articles, people dying, my drunk driving, he does the same thing, kids drowning and stuff. So, you know, we're, we're both doing something that's impacting the world, hopefully on a better pace, not hopefully it is. Yeah, for sure. He never talked about it. I know he, one time he talked about having memories of the car crash, but that's as far as it went. And you don't want to push and prod, right? Because you push and prod, as you know, you don't know what that reaction will be like with that person, especially if they're not ready to process it.

Mandy 12:49

Yeah, I know. I think this young age, it makes me think about, often I talk with guests about when we lose a loved one and you may experience this with your dad because I know you said you lost your dad also, but sometimes when the anniversary is coming up or their birthday is coming up, it's almost like, even if you consciously forget that it's coming, your body sometimes knows it's coming and like, it's, yeah. It's almost as if grief has settled in your body and it remembers things that have happened even if you don't and it makes me think about you being so young and just a baby and this is sort of how your life began was this, this big loss of your mom and how much probably did impact the trajectory of your life in ways that you maybe still don't even fully understand or grasp how Different you are from that, like how much of that settles in your body. You know what I mean?

Michael 13:45

Right? I've done a lot of, I wouldn't say a lot of reading, but some books about that. There was, I was in a book club and we did, did Oprah's book, you know, what happened to you and, and reading about. Childhood and infant trauma like that and not having my mother's touch how that and not being, you know, excited to be picked up in a pillow for months afterwards. So I didn't have that connection with a human book, a human, but it wasn't even if it was Dolly or my dad, it still wasn't my mom and reading that and how that could impact relationships down as an adult. Was an eye opener because I went, well, now here's cause and effect. Maybe it's not all me. Well, maybe it still is me, but, but I can understand it in terms of stuff. And that was really fascinating because you realize there's a science behind that and the trauma and how that can, as early as being an infant, because all the way the brain soaks in everything. And then the long lasting impact was really fascinating to read not only that, but also your parents trauma, how that trickles down to us. So my dad's grief and trauma was passed down to my brother and myself. Cause my dad never did anything about it. So that was just another layer and I emulated what he did when he died, never talked about it until there was one day where I had that plan and I'm done and, I couldn't do it because I couldn't send my brother and Dolly and other family members back to the cemetery three times within six months and my friends as well. And along with I, you know, my mother didn't sacrifice her life so I can live, you know, and I really believe that she did something in that split second to save my life. So no car seats. But I think it was mother's intervention then, or, you know, just how quality of cars were built back in 1970, you know, for that, but there was something in that area, but yeah, it's amazing. And being a swimmer now that I'm a little bit older and I hurt, I think it's just trauma. It's not my bones just aching from the weather or all the swimming or I'm just old. It's, it was the car crash for that, but you're, it's amazing. How much the body has towards that trauma. I'm a little bit more aware of it within the last five years of going to counseling and just doing some research about it where I never was. And that's refreshing too, because also I know when my serotonin levels dropped, the anniversaries, the birthdays, my mom's birthday is July 21st, mine's July 24th. So you have the birthdays. And those eight weeks up to the car crash, where you go back and what was life like, you know, and those types of things. So you do slide down a little bit, but then grief counseling gave me the tools to try to find balance where I never really had that before. And that's been a lifesaver. Yeah. And

Mandy 16:38

so your dad died, you said five years ago

Michael 16:42

now. And he died in January of 2018. And then my aunt died 90 days later. That was his sister.

Mandy 16:50

And so, did those losses like bring up unresolved grief about your mom that you hadn't realized or what made you decide to go to counseling and did it stir up things?

Michael 17:03

Turn about my mom not until you just said that, but Well, the counseling part, it was just, I was doing a fundraiser for our nonprofit and my friend was taking pictures for new pictures. And and even that day I had a plan I had, it was the same week that, kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain kill themselves. And, and it was a bad week. I was like, I'm not going to see the end of this week. And I had the plan and everything. And I had lunch with my counselor, who's a dear friend of mine and another friend, because we were talking about doing a stand up to grief type of thing. Three, three men comedians doing comedy, but also sharing their stories of, of grief. And we're having lunch. It goes, you don't look like yourself. And I'm trying to do the best job to hide myself. Right. And the eyes don't lie. Cause even my friend said, we can't use these pictures because your eyes are sad. And it's like you try. And so I went home that day from that lunch and I went onto the website and I filled up, you know, everything was yes, except for being pregnant. And we, we met. And the first question my counselor said was, let's talk about your mom's death and how that impacted all your relationships. And I was like, I'm not here to talk about my mom. I'm here to talk about my dad and aunt. She's like, Oh no, we're not budging off of this. And I was 47 years old and finally processing and working through my mom's death. And, and for so long, I thought I identified as a victim and survivor of a drunk driving crash, you know, 100%. That was, that's who I am. And I realized that's not who I am. It's a part of me, but it's not all of me. So we worked my mom's death and then moved to my dad's death and then my aunts and because I, you know, I was hiding all that pain. And again, I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. And I wasn't going to self medicate because we both know how, how well that goes. So, you know, I just couldn't get out of that hole. And then counseling was a hard six months. You put the work in and, and my counselor said, after that time, she goes, you look like a different person. I feel like a different person. That was 2000 18. I went back again in 2020 around the 50th anniversary, and I don't know if it's because of turning 50 car crashed 50. I went back and then we did EMDR and my counselor was like, are you willing to do this? I'm willing to do whatever it takes and. It was, you know, again, hard to do, but I had to fix, I was the problem and I had to fix myself. I couldn't, you know, blame anyone else. I couldn't live like that anymore. And even when you get to the darkest days, I still thought of my friends and my brother and Dolly and family members, not going back to that, you know, cemetery. So I had to do whatever it had to, to find peace and happiness as much as possible. I

Mandy 19:45

mean, I give your friend so much credit for saying something to you in that moment of saying, like, you don't look okay or you don't look like yourself. And Sort of reflecting back to you that other people can see it. I think that's so important because sometimes people are afraid to say anything if they see a friend who's not themselves, who's off. I think it's an awkward conversation. It can be hard to say something like that. And so I'm so grateful that that person, A, said that, but then also you were willing to go home and take a step towards finding help and being willing. To go to therapy. And also, it sounds like you had a great therapist since they, she, you know, brought you back to your mother's death. Yeah. Yeah. She

Michael 20:28

knows what she knew what buttons to push right away, even though I didn't want to, she wasn't budging from the belly. No, I don't want to do that. Cause even though I spoke in front of audiences, talk about the car crash and stuff, it was never about. depression and suicide and coming face to face with that. And through the grief process of that time, I read a lot of Brene Brown's books, vulnerability and, and, you know, shame. And it was interesting because it was like, instead of depression owning me, I flipped that script a little bit and talking about it. is refreshing, you know, and talking with other men about it who aren't afraid, you know, if we talk about, like, we talk about sports, then everything is okay, but it's just, and you know, there's still that stigma about men not talking about it and stuff, but there's really nothing to be afraid of again, prior to 2018, I probably wouldn't have done something like this, you know, like, no, I'm fine, right? I'm a guy, you know, whatever. But when you realize how close you are to ending your life, and I thought about it, In my 20s, you know, and I remember having a dream. When my mom said, you know, because I would think about my mom and wanting to be with her and, and sort of doing something stupid the next morning. And I remember coming to me in a dream. And she said, Michael, stop worrying about me. I'm fine. And she gave me a hug in the dream. And I woke up face down in the pillow with my arms crossed and. You know, I was in my mid twenties at that point. And, you know, that was a lifesaver as well, and every time I get in that depressive, you know, that, that depressing type of state, you think back to those type of things about, you know, what saved you and why you're still here and that purpose and trying to fulfill that purpose.

Mandy 22:09

Yeah. You know, you have such a great point about men and the stigma that's out there that you have to have the stronger persona and You're not expected to show emotion and to admit that you're struggling and to be experiencing grief, even though it's like totally normal for every human, regardless of gender. And so I just give you so much credit for being willing now to step out and talk about it and make it more normalized. Like you said, just like we talk about sports. I mean, that is. So important and not enough people are there yet. And so I'm so grateful to have, you know, your perspective here on the podcast. And so the other men can listen and be like, okay, yeah, you know, it's not just me because I think a lot of people get to those dark places, but they're not sure that they can talk about it. So, so

Michael 22:57

important. Yeah. And I joke, I joke, I go men only cry two times in their lives at the end of field of dreams, when father and son are playing catch and when our sport teams wins a championship, that's about it. That's, that's, that's the two times, but yeah, it was you know, what, what, what was I afraid of? Right. Vulnerability asking for help, which is all signs of strength, you know, I think, and, and thinking about the loved ones left behind and, and we both know suicide happens too much. Cause people are afraid to ask for help. And I think that's, that's the end solution. And I go back to as dark as I get, or as low as like, okay, I just want, just want the pain to stop. What can I do to level out my brain chemistry? What can I do to feel better? You know, go for a hike, photography, workout see a movie, play a game, call a friend. It was amazing after my book came out. So many friends were like, if you ever get in that state again, call. And that's refreshing. A lot of people don't think they have that. And I think they do. They just have to trust another person. Right.

Mandy 24:05

Yeah. Let's talk about your book. When did you decide that you were going to write a book?

Michael 24:10

I didn't decide that. My friend decided it for me. So my friend, Greg Morton, who's, who was on America's Got Talent as a semifinalist a few years ago, when we first met in late nineties, at Hilarity's Comedy Club in Akron, Cuyahoga Falls. He heard about my story and we're getting ready to do the show in the sound room. And he said, promise me to write a book about your life. And he stuck out his hand and we're shaking on it, but I wouldn't say I promise. He wasn't going to let go until I said, I promise. And meanwhile, I should be on stage, mind you. So I said, I promise just to get on stage, it took me 20 years to write it. Cause I would start stop nine 11 hit stop again. You know, who cares about my story? You know, blah, blah, blah. And then, and then I wrote it about, you know, the car crash. I wrote about my friend, John, who died as a result of being a drunk driver. One of my best friends. I wrote about college, and then when my dad and my aunt passed away, when I got into counseling, now here's an ending to it. So I kind of finished it, sent it to a company for them to review it, and they liked it, and they were going to work with me on, you know, a writing coach. Because one of the things she said was you wrote it as a speaker, now you have to write it as a writer. I was like, well, what the heck does that mean? So it was like, so every Monday for six months I had homework to do and we met and, and Mariana even though she's a Philadelphia Eagles fan and I lost to her last night with the Dolphins, she helped me Make this book to what it is. It was always paint the scene, put in dialogue and God bless this woman for really helped me make it to what it is. I mean, the foundation was there and all those things. So it was really Greg Morton who made me promise to write it. And then I finished it in January of 2019. And Greg and I were working together again. We have many times over the years and I, and I could finally look my friend in the eye and said, I fulfilled my promise to you. And he, and he's very what's the word cautious, but now I'm gonna say cautious, but he's very protective of the book and he loves it. And, and I remember his comments were like, you know, you made me cry and laugh like on the same page. And, it was a lot of humor in it. It's just like some people said it's like a campfire discussion. Just having a conversation with me and that's awesome. But to have a great compliment. Yeah, it was really cool. And people I don't even know who who read it and they'll. Send me a message on how much it helped or, or other people, even my own, even people I've known for so long knew some details they never knew about and it helped them as well. And, you know, what do you say to that when you, when your own story or whatever can help other people or inspire them to get help for what it is. And then it was well worth the 20 years of agony of delaying it for so long. But time means everything, I guess. And if I wrote it when Greg told me to, it would have been a little bit different. I wasn't ready for And some people said it could have been two books, but I put it all together in one. And now people are like, hey, when's your second book? I'm like, it took me 20 years to write this one. It's been five years, but I have an outline for it, trying to figure out stuff. I'm a procrastinator. I'll be honest with you. I like my naps. And so we'll see what happens with this book too, but. It's, it's called you know, the magic of life, a son's story of hope after tragedy, grief, and a speedo. Cause I was a swimmer, you know, that you're gonna still gonna put humor in the title of the book, right? Yeah. So it's yeah, lots of humor. You'll, you'll cry, but at the end, I think maybe inspired. As well, because as we alluded to at the beginning of this interview, how different my life is, knowing that I almost died at eight weeks old and to be here 53 years later is, is sort of a blessing.

Mandy 28:00

And I just love that, you know, you may not have been here and it's almost like you've had this second opportunity, like this whole life that almost was taken away and you're using so much of it to. Inspire others or to offer hope to other people who might be going through something difficult by, I know that you do speaking and that you do comedy and you wrote this book. And so it's like, in different ways, you're kind of getting in there to different people's lives and touching, you know, all sorts of people that you probably don't even realize.

Michael 28:31

Right. And that's the cool thing about it. You never know the extension of your, your story and other people. And I'll show those on stage, wherever. Anyone's story can inspire someone else, you know, your trials and tribulations, right? And I think that's pretty powerful. And I think we owe that to society. Do help as many people, especially now, we look at, you know, what's going on in the world and in the communities where sure you may not be able to donate a million dollars, but you can donate your time. You could help someone for a better life. And, and I think between my dad and Dolly, raising me about, you know giving back. It is nice, but again, it go back to when I was 15 and that purpose and never wanting another family to go through this same type of trauma grief. Look, I've been doing for 53 years. It's not a life I want for anyone. And I shared that with the DUI offenders. I'm trying to prevent that, you know, tell them be a source of someone's happiness, not the source of someone's pain and agony. Because it's not a good life, but if you go back, yeah, what I want my mother, to be here at the same time. I was at Dolly, right? So it's very hard to do that because I know how lucky I am in her life and how her impact was to so many people too, you know, from former summers and, and, you know, just people through life and people who read the book. Every one of them says, I want to meet Dolly, you know, they pushed me, they pushed me to the side. They don't want to meet me. They want to push Dolly, which is fine. But also beginning, when I started to write the book, she's like, don't use my name. So I still embarrass her. Apparently uh, but yeah, I, but my story wouldn't be, the book wouldn't be the same. It wasn't, you know, with her in there. So of course I had to include it, but she's so. I think one of the reasons why she didn't want her name, she didn't think, she doesn't think what she did deserves any recognition, right? And she doesn't think it was a big deal. That's why it has to be in the book. That's why people have to know who you are. That's you know, that's just her because she just thought it was no big deal. Oh, it was a big deal.

Mandy 30:35

Yeah, and that's one of those things that you can be so extremely grateful for this gift that you were given in life that came in the form of Dolly. Yeah. And at the same time be really, you know, hurt that, that your mom was taken away. I mean, that's like this relationship that we all cherish and hope that is going to be, you know, super long lasting in our lives. And you had it so briefly. I Do want to ask a little bit about, you mentioned you do work with DUI offenders and that you also had a friend who died driving drunk. What is, what is that emotion like for you? As someone who has lost a family member to drunk driving and also was in the accident herself, like, is there mixed emotion there? Do you feel any anger or animosity towards people who have made that mistake or do you just look at it as like, I am coming here and I'm going to hope to help things going

Michael 31:28

forward? Good, good question. And it's, I'll take one of those at a time, but when big, big John died, I'd say big John, cause he was six, five, 300 pounds. A lot of anger because he knew my story for 15 years and he still did it. He went to three bars that night and they let him leave and there was another customer who saw him stumble to his truck. That other customer called the police on John and he was being pulled over on a side street, lost control, hit up, went up on a curb and hit a tree and broke his neck. So then I had to call my other four best friends up and tell them this is what happened. But for him to die as a result of being a drunk driver. It was like, wow, you just stabbed me in the front and back. It was like, how dare you do this to me? And so a lot of anger until the anger is probably there all the way up until 2020 when we did the MDR. And I had to focus on John and that anger because it was wasted negative energy. And I had to forgive him, you know, for that. Cause I, as soon as he died that year was 2000, it was May 2004. And I, and I put him into my program. Later that August when I was doing the orientation at Kent State and that was, it was gut wrenching to do that. And for him it was hard because the last time I talked to him was the week before, the week before he died was the NFL draft and he called me right after the the Browns drafted to Kevin Winslow. And I remember his big booming voice and I won't use the language he used. And so it was hard for me to watch the draft after that. Last time I saw him was at the comedy club in Cleveland, Pickwick and Frolic, on my birthday in 2003. It took me two years to walk back in that showroom. I just couldn't do it. So anger towards John because of he should have known better and that would have been his first DOI. The Drunk Drivers is an audience I never thought I would ever speak in front of in my entire life. And I had an audition, I had a meeting with the judge and then a year later, so I auditioned with the other judges and some didn't think it was going to work, but I've been, we've been doing it for 10 years now. And after the first one, when a 19 year old girl stopped me on the way to the parking lot and she said, thank you for making me realize my son needs me more than alcohol. And I came, but the perspective of, I'm going to do my regular stuff, there's going to be comedy, there's going to be some audience participation, I'm not going to yell at them, they've already been yelled at by the judge. It's going to come from my heart, soul, compassion, you know, and inspire them and hope for the best. And it's been the most rewarding audience of almost, almost my 30 year career, because you can watch them change in that hour and a half. I make them laugh when they're leaning forward in their chairs when they first starts. They're sitting like this. They don't want to be there. I remember one guy was coming into the courtroom and I held the door open for him and I was wearing my kiss shirt like I usually do. So he didn't know who I was. And he walks in all grumpy, goes, Oh, this is going to be BS. And I went, I hope not. I'm your speaker. And then afterwards he was the first one to come to me, shake my hand, you know, to donate to the thing. And those are the people you want to change. You're not going to get everyone, but man, those, when you inspire them, uh, cause it's very easy to go up and you can yell on them. They're not going to pay any attention to that, but since it's so different, if you make them laugh and you get rid of their, their defenses. And yeah, the first 20 minutes is a little bit of a playtime before I get into the serious part. And then by that time, they know about my humor, my personality. So I talk about role models and Tigger and Spider Man and James Bond and how they impacted my lives. And you get in the story and then when they're leaning forward and they're asking questions and their heads are nodding or they're crying, whatever it is, it's beautiful because you know you have them and they're going to be impacted. And you talk to them as people. They didn't do anything to me. I shouldn't be mad at them. Harvey Dennis isn't the one who did something to me, but you know, their, their mothers, their fathers or grandfathers, whatever it is, and they made a bad decision, but they also didn't kill anyone. Now's their chance. To walk out of that courtroom with a mindset of making better decisions, not only for themselves, but for the, all the innocent drivers out there too. They have a second chance at that. A lot of people don't, you know, so it's been fun and very, very rewarding.

Mandy 35:47

And, you know, you said that you, you're not going to reach everyone, but think about each person that you do reach could be saving potentially. So many different lives. I mean, not just lives if they were to hit someone and kill someone, but also their own life and their immediate family because addiction is It's not easy to go through either. And so even if they're not hurting anyone, and even if they're not choosing to get behind the wheel of if, you know, your speech is what inspires them to get help in that respect is, it's a huge impact. So I commend you for doing that for sure. Thanks.

Michael 36:25

It's fun. In fact, comedy helped do that because the judges bailiff was a server at the comedy club when I first started. So that connection through comedy kind of helped. And we give a, you know, this is all audio. I've, I've wristbands and say the magic of life. I pledge not to drive impaired and it has three sets of initials on there. Has BG for my mom, has AM on there for Andrew Moncheck and his mom, Andrew was killed by a drunk driver and his mom, Christine. speaks to the court with me in the court program too. I met her, gosh, I think nine years ago, and it took me a year and a half to convince her to speak. But her story is so powerful. And then JK for John Kelly, it says, I pledge not to drive impaired. And we give these out. And when they take them, I've had people through Facebook, we've been through the program. You know, still have it on for like six, seven years, and it's a good reminder. Sometimes I remember one, one woman said, I'm going to take like five or six for my kids or whatever, and, and, and I'm out. So when they take the wristband, you know, as a reminder, again, it's evidence that they paid attention and they want to make a change, or they come and they say, I'm six months sober or a year sober. Or, you know, they give you that hug or whatever it is. It's, you know, and I tell them we were brought together by fate. And the fate is no different than like Dolly coming into our house because, you know, and our family, because the first time she answered the ad, my grandmother, she didn't show up to the interview. She she said she couldn't find a ride. I said she blew it off, but whatever. And then she saw the same ad a few weeks later, and then she came to the house. It was an hour away, so fate. And I tell her, we're brought together by fate, and if you don't believe it, well, I'll prove it. And, yeah, it's just, I feel blessed. There's days where I... I feel tired. I'm grumpy. I don't want to do the program. And I get that and I get there to the court and I hear the first laugh. And then afterwards when, you know, it's an hour and a half later and when you fulfill your purpose, that's a good day. And then that re energizes me as well. And it's, it's pretty cool when, when you could do that for someone and not somebody, no, a stranger. And I think that's even better. But then we become like friends or whatever, because again, we talk from the heart and soul and, and it's, it's a beautiful thing.

Mandy 38:38

It's amazing. I have one more question that I think might be a difficult question to ask. So you talked about many years later, having to find forgiveness for John, for the anger that you carried for him and what he did despite knowing your story. Have you, what, well, A, what happened to the man who was driving and hit your mom and killed her did he survive and go to prison, is he out now, is he still in prison, and how have you handled the anger in that situation, and have you ever found forgiveness?

Michael 39:15

Yeah, tough question. I'm not going to answer it. And no, it's valid. And it's been asked before, even by myself. So the man that killed my mother couldn't, he lied to the police at the scene. His license was suspended in 1967. So he shouldn't have been driving. And he said his friend who was in the back seat was the one driving. That's a crappy friend for you. So when he got to the hospital, another officer noticed his eyes were bloodshot because he lied and he was very combative so we got to the hospital another officer noticed his eyes were bloodshot he smelled alcohol he was combative and then he finally confessed to driving and to drinking at least a six pack. So his blood alcohol content was like 0. 10, like three hours afterwards. I, when I was in my mid thirties, I contracted the police department and got the police report because my dad wasn't talking. So I have all, I've got all this information from the police department. He couldn't pay his bail of like 3, 000. So when the court case came up in 1971, he was sentenced to three years with time served my friend, Christine, who lost her son. And like nine years ago, that guy was sentenced to five years in jail and got out. Early. So you think about justice. Wow.

Mandy 40:28

Is that common for such short sentences?

Michael 40:31

Yeah. Or they don't serve their entire sentence, right? They get on good behavior and the guy that killed Christine's son was supposed to get a lifetime ban on the driver's license. They give it back to him. So again, another slap in the face on this side of the fence of justice, you know, we already had the death that's never going to change, but you're talking about anger and stuff like that stuff happens that just gives that just makes us even more mad. Yeah. Or Harvey Dennison. people go, you know, you I'm like, no, I don't. A because he took some of t not only for me, for my b this one to get someone e a lot. Now it's coming my, you know, my grandparent's daughter, my aunt's sister, he took away something so precious. I can't give that forgiveness and I don't think that's ever going to happen because there's a life that I never knew about at eight weeks old. And And that hurts and I don't think he deserves that because and it fuels my motivation to keep doing what I'm doing even though I get frustrated there's gonna be a day where I'm gonna stop I'll go live in a mountain in a cabin somewhere and just do photography and be you know happy but I'm happy now don't get me wrong you know but but yeah I think because he destroyed so much. You know, I'm okay by not doing that. And the people that say you have to forgive them, no, that's for them to say, right? Because we both know people say things to make their grief feel better. Not just for us. Natural, I get it. Shouldn't be said, but I guess that's just the way humans are, right? When people say, oh, you should be over by now. Well, you're saying that for you to feel better, not for me. This is 24 7. I live with this day in and day out. I

Mandy 42:20

think we should never say should for anyone else. You can't expect anything. You know, everybody's going through their own you know, everybody's got their own story and you can't put yourself in that position if you haven't lived it and you haven't. So I absolutely respect that that's your take on it. And I thank you so much for sharing that because I think, I'm sure it's something you've grappled with in your life of how do you handle these emotions and what do you do with them? And, you know, I, I love that you have an answer for yourself and you feel very confident and secure in that. And that's what. That's what's important.

Michael 42:53

Yeah. The John one took a while and then you know, negative energy and you, you love him like a brother and, and it was just hard because you stayed mad at him for so long and he was so lovable. It's just one of those things where I wish I could just smack him in the back of the head again. And that was tough, especially for someone who knew you story for 15 years and you kind of go, really? You know, my mom died, you know, my mom's died, and then you go ahead and do this too. But his story resonates with those drunk drivers so much, because I put up his picture of him graduating from college, which took him six years to do, and they have, and there's a picture of him with medals, and, and I said, look, that would have been John's first DUI, and it cost him his life. If you keep doing what you're doing, you could end up like John, and I don't want that for you. I know that pain. I know that hurt. We're trying to stop that today. And they have, and you know, they have that ability to make that decision. And it really comes down to choices and consequences. You make good choices in life, you get good consequences in life. You make horrible, you know, choices, it's going to be horrible consequences. And, you know, and that's really what it comes down to. And You have my story health or John's, you know, especially the DUI offenders or pristine mom checks for her son, then, then it's a good day at the office and trying to stop them from taking away someone else's loved one. But it's all preventable. Yeah. It's preventable.

Mandy 44:17

I know. Wow. I mean, you're definitely making an impact and you're doing so much in that space. We're better off for you being out there doing that work because it's definitely saving lives that you don't know you're saving.

Michael 44:31

I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Mandy 44:34

Oh, I so appreciate having you on here today. Is there anything else you would want to leave people with? Anything from your story that we didn't touch on or words of wisdom you have for people?

Michael 44:44

Anything I am a huge fan, but they don't they don't need to know that. I mean, but I think for people if they're listening, you know, get that help and and have no shame at that Your your life means something it means I don't even know you and it means something to myself Knowing that i've been in that dark place and knowing I hate to say because other a lot of other speakers say well if I could do it, you could do it, too But I am going to do that So if I could get myself out of that dark hole that i've been in for that time is 47 years You could do that too. Little by little. There's are, there are people to help you out. You just have to find that strength to do it. And it, it's a blessing when you could, come outta that, that hole a little bit, you know, whether it's a combination of meds and therapy, but meds won't do it alone. Therapy definitely helps. So yeah, if anyone out there, I would say, you know, get, get that help. 'cause your life means a lot to a lot of people. Thank you.

Mandy 45:37

Can you just share the name of your book one more time and where people can find you if they want to get in touch and connect with you.

Michael 45:44

People can find me on Facebook or Instagram. Facebook, it's Michael Gersh, G E R S H E. On Instagram, it's G E R S H E P I X. So it's GershPix. I thought I was very creative in that. The book you can find on Amazon again, you can look me up, Michael Gersh, or The Magic of Life, A Son's Story of Hope After Tragedy, Grief, and Espito. The website for the foundation is themagicoflife. org. So there's, there's multiple ways, but yeah, come and find me. I mean, I try to post funny things on a daily basis on, on Facebook if I can. And or, you know, other, other fun things. It's not all kiss pictures on, on Facebook. I

Mandy 46:27

can tell you have definitely a great energy, so I'm sure people will want to follow along because, you know, it's so nice when people can talk about serious topics, but also keep it, you know, sort of light and fun and show that you have this whole range of human emotion and it's all, it's all

Michael 46:41

good. Well, I'm also in denial. So that helps humor. Look, humor saved my life many times and having that you know, is that defense mechanism. I go back to my role models, Tigger, very, you know, bouncing around, making sure people are people having a good time. Spider Man used humor as a defense mechanism. James Bond used humor as a defense mechanism. So I was blessed with a sense of humor and that's really helped. That was a good natural way. Thank you. to combat trauma and grief. And there's nothing better than staying on stage and making an audience of strangers laugh, but also when you could do it on a daily basis. So I have two goals on a daily basis. It's make, make someone laugh and make a difference in someone's life. I can come home and do that. That was a good day for me.

47:28

Michael's story is one that spans his entire lifetime. A thread that weaves through everything. In the episode we spoke about the complex topic of forgiveness. Of the forgiveness he found for his friend, big John. And his contemplation and acceptance that he does not forgive the man who perpetuated the sorrow on his family. For today's journal prompt, write about forgiveness. The forgiveness you have given and the forgiveness you can not. Let the writing lead you in whatever direction it takes. Thank you so much for listening, please make sure you subscribe, share this episode with anyone who could benefit from it. And as always. Does it remember grams? Anytime you need to send a little love to someone who is grieving. Thank you and have a wonderful day.