Fit & Healthy - Sioux Falls
Fit & Healthy Sioux Falls is hosted by CJ Wehrkamp, Owner of the Sioux Falls Fit Body Boot Camp locations. Each podcast episode will include interviews with local fitness professionals, feature local fitness related products and services along with health and fitness tips and techniques.
Fit & Healthy - Sioux Falls
Building Healthier Relationships with Tom Henderson of ResGen
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After meeting Tom Henderson from ResGen back in 2016, I had no idea how much his insights would impact my marriage, faith, and friendships. Tom shares his wisdom on enhancing connections through intentional actions and meaningful communication, revealing how these practices can transform the quality of our relationships with partners, friends, and even ourselves.
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Healthy Relationships for a Healthy Life
Speaker 1Welcome to the Fit and Healthy Sioux Falls show, and today's episode is not about health or fitness in any aspect that you would think of, but it is about having a fit and healthy relationship and being able to dive into ways that you can make the relationships in your life more meaningful. I get the awesome pleasure of sitting down with my good friend, Tom Henderson from ResGen, and he is just going to help us be able to unpack some amazing wisdom on how we can make our relationships more meaningful and have a more fit and healthy relationship in our life. So let's dive in to today's episode. Well, Tom, welcome to the show. My friend, this has been a long time coming and I just tell you what I'm so grateful to have you on the show. How are you doing today?
Speaker 2Bro, I'm good Listen anytime I get to spend a few moments with you and especially like in an extended period of time, like this. I'm the better man for it, so I love this time that we're going to spend together.
Speaker 1Yeah, no, this is great. I feel that it's crazy to think that our relationship started like back in I think it was 2016. I was listening to you at a luncheon that I got invited to at Plains Commerce Bank and it just so happened that there was a speaker, and the speaker's name at this luncheon was Tom Henderson, and man, I was like not even a year, just in my first year of business, and that's where our relationship started. So, 2016,. Where does that put you in your realm of things? 2016.
Speaker 2Well, I mean so in 2016,. That was probably about the halfway point of ResGen, because we no, yeah, yeah, about halfway through when we started, you know, because we started in 2010. Yeah, so you know, we're now almost 15 years old, so we were just coming up, you know, to that halfway point. And that was that was interesting, because back then I wasn't even doing corporate events. Yeah, that was just Chris Vinson had asked me to come in and said hey, I just want you to come and speak to my team. And I'm like, bro, I I'm not sure what. I would even say yeah, what do you want me to say? And he's like I just want you to come in and just talk about relationships and being a healthy human being and just, you know, focusing not just on your work but on just what does that look like for your marriage, your relationship, your kids, your friendships, just your own personal health, all those kinds of things. And so he actually did that a couple of times for planes and it was awesome.
Speaker 1Yeah, it was. It definitely left an impact on me enough to hey, I'm going to stick around Luncheon's over, I want to meet this guy. So I remember meeting you that day and then I think from there it just was a casual connection.
Speaker 2Yeah Well, and it usually translates to having some bagels at Bagel Boy, which I know that that's what that transitioned into it did.
Speaker 1And a lot of magic happens there, yes, yes.
Speaker 1So, hey, before we get like real into it and diving in, I just kind of want to let our audience know, man, one of the main reasons I mean this is the Fit and Healthy Sioux Falls show, and why do I want to have Tom on the show?
Speaker 1And, man, I just want to let you know that when I think fit and healthy, I definitely don't just think health and fitness, I don't think food and working out, I think how can you have a fit and healthy life, from your marriage to your relationships, to your finances, to your nutrition and your fitness?
Speaker 1But when I think of fit and health, tom Henderson, what comes to mind for me it is relationship. I feel like my relationships in my life, by getting to know you better, have gotten better. My relationship with myself, to be honest, has gotten better. My relationship with my faith in Christ has gotten better. My relationship with my wife has gotten better and it has made me more intentional about seeking out relationships with like-minded men that are willing to be brutal, honest in the face of whatever I might be going through and help keep me on the right path. And so I just wanted to make sure that our audience was able to really understand like hey, health and fitness, fit and Healthy Sioux Falls like Tom Henderson, resgen, men's Summit, the main event. Where does that fall into Fit and Healthy? And it falls into relationships, and so I want to dive into that.
Speaker 2Well, first of all, and we're going to- and I'm so excited about that. It's an honor to be invited to come and share time and share with your listeners and viewers and so forth, but you know, uh, that that uh was. That was so encouraging to me, so so thank you, you know, and.
Speaker 2I just my whole path, my just my passion is is pouring my life out into the, to the lives of others so that they can do that for other people. And you know, and I see you do that day in and day out, um, not just with clients here at Fit Body Bootcamp, but I mean obviously through the podcast, but then just in general, you know and and you can't, you can't teach that One of my, uh, one of my best mentors in my life he's my first boss ever CJ yeah, um, you know he, I remember when he hired me at the age of 23 years old to be a youth pastor in Portland, oregon, and and after we went through all the paperwork and you know I actually share this a little bit in a couple of talks but I just asked him. I said hey, chris, this is my first day. I said, chris, can I just ask you a question? He's like yeah, of course.
Speaker 2And I said what, what made, what made you hire me? I mean like, why did you choose me? And he said, you know that's a really good question, because here's the deal you don't know how to teach, you don't know how to preach, you don't know how to manage a budget, you don't know how to work with students, parents or really a staff, and so immediately, I'm regretting asking this question because I wasn't feeling very encouraged.
Speaker 2But he said but here's the deal, I can teach you all that. What I can't teach you is heart, and that's what you do have. And so that's that was. I did not realize that that would be such a formative statement in my life, and so that's been. My life is just, is just pour my heart into the others. And so there's just certain people that I feel like that's what they have. When you look at them, they're like man, they are all heart, and that's who you are, that's who I try to surround myself with, because when you are with like-minded, like-hearted people, that's how things change, both personally as well as collectively, as a community, as a business, in your homes, all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1Yeah, I love that and I had the pleasure and the honor of having you come talk with our team not too long ago and it was so cool. And that's actually just in the room right over the other way and there's a box and it still sits there today because I won that box.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1A box of life cereal and really the key takeaway from your talk with the team was you find life-giving success by giving life to others. That's right, and I tell you what. Right now, you and I, we're getting just as much out of this as anybody watching or listening later. This gives me life speaking with other like-minded individuals. But we don't know where our viewers are at, we don't know what's going on in their life. We don't know what struggle they may be dealing with, what adversity might be showing up in their day, and right now we have the opportunity to have a casual conversation that our viewers, our listeners, could go away and be like. You know what? Whatever the nugget was that I took away from that talk is going to help me move forward in my day, and it all starts with the conversation.
Speaker 2Yeah, you know, yeah, and here's the reality. You know this as well as I do, cj, like everybody, ourselves included. Right, we're all fighting battles that no one knows anything about.
Speaker 2And so it's every single person that we come in contact with. And what's interesting is that when you begin to just show interest in other people, when we take the focus off of ourselves and place it on other people, it's amazing what kind of conversations and I mean it may just it may seem like something that's not a big deal to you, but it could absolutely mean the world to someone else. And if that's what, if that's what our day was about that makes us feel successful is having conversations with other people, then that's how I feel like we should define success, because at the end of the day, when we lay our head on the pillow, is it nice to have money in the bank account? Of course. Is it nice to have a vehicle that you know is going to get you from point A to point B? Of course, you know, is it nice to know that we've got a house? And I mean yes.
Speaker 2But at the end of the day, what makes us feel successful is the impact that we've had on other people and, hopefully, through the way we've lived our lives, through the way that we've used our words, the temperature that we set in whatever room we're in, we talk a lot about that. You had a lot of great conversations about that. It's like what temperature are we setting? Yeah, if that has had a positive impact on people, then that's what I feel like allows us to sleep well at night.
Intentional Relationships for Healthy Living
Speaker 1Yeah, that's so true because, to that point, your good day could be just what someone needs when they're going through a bad day. And so if you're having that good day and you're being intentional about seeking out great conversations, about just learning about other people and about being able to show up for them in a way that maybe no one else has ever showed up for them for, you never know what that will lead to. You know, I asked someone like when's the last time you made a friend? When's the last time you have made a new friend? And for so many people it's a new friend and for so many people it's a long time. We don't do it as kids, though, like man, every other day I'm picking up my son. He's like Dad, I made a new friend.
Speaker 2I'm like awesome, like I've never jumped in the car with my wife and then her and I are talking like, hey, I made another new friend Right, Like we're not even saying how many people we friended on Facebook that day.
Speaker 1No, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2No, guess what? I gained 13 new friends today. Yeah, that's right. How many do you know? Not too many.
Speaker 1Yeah, and so I just think that the friendship that you and I have been able to build when we talk about being healthy in our relationships, you know, we we not too long ago, a couple months ago now, we were able to go on a very awesome retreat out to Culture Cove. With what was there? 20 other guys. Yeah, 17 of us total.
Speaker 2Yeah 17.
Speaker 1And just connect and I tell you I don't think I've shared with you, but and I know that you knew this but Nate Welch and I, we ended up on Dancing with the Stars together. So we randomly met that way, and then we show up at Culture Cove and it just so happened that not only are we competing in Dancing with the Stars, we're also now roommates for the night, and so we made the funny you know hey you better sleep with your eyes open, because I'm going to bust your leg because I'm trying to beat you.
Speaker 1But that relationship that sparked out of honestly, totally random meetup at Dancing with the Stars, then meeting him there A couple weeks ago, him and I were in my office just talking. He's actually going to jump on the show and be on the podcast. Oh, cool, cool. It's just awesome to create, though, but I feel like you're very intentional about seeking positive relationships.
Speaker 2Yeah, I just I think I think that's a great word is the intentionality.
Speaker 2And listen, nobody does it perfect, right?
Speaker 2But one of the things that I try to enter each day with, in all honesty and I just got done being at two different events, one in Atlanta and then one in Austin and one of my prayers each day is just God, put me in front of people that you'd like me to have a meaningful conversation with.
Speaker 2Yeah, because I think that when we have meaningful conversations, it's obviously right there in the word. Like it is, they mean a lot, and they mean a lot to the person, to the people that are part of it, both to the, to the person that's the, maybe the initiator, to the person that is just like you know, that's brought into it or whatever. So, um, and as if we enter with that kind of mindset each day, yeah, and again, that's that's part of being healthy too, having a healthy mindset. Yeah, when we answer in and saying like, listen, I'm going to go and I'm going to bring light into every room that I enter, I'm going to warm up every room, the whole thermostat idea, and I'm going to give life to all I encounter, yeah, that mindset will compel us to be intentional.
Speaker 1And seek that out. Correct, you're going to seek that out and you're preconditioning your mind to know that. Okay, I told myself when I woke up that this is what I'm going to do. So now, when I'm entering this room, I told myself I'm going to warm it up. I told myself I'm going to be light. I'm going to warm it up. I told myself I'm going to be light, I'm going to bring my positivity and my energy.
Speaker 2So now you enter that room already preconditioned to know that I have a mission, and it isn't just to exist in this room, it's to contribute to this room, yeah, and I think that that really translates CJ to so I mean, all of our spaces right, obviously, as we, as we enter our workplaces during the day. And, and for me, one of the things that really changed the game in my home life was when I began to begin thinking that way as I was on my drive home from a busy day at work whether it was a challenging day or a very successful day, however you would define that, or whatever but thinking about okay, how am I going to reenter my home space so that I can be fully present for my wife and my two boys? Now, my boys now are ages 20 and 23, so they're older and they're out of the house and all that kind of thing. But even though they're out of the house, I still have to think about okay, how am I going to go and give my best to laura when I arrive home?
Speaker 2yeah, um so one of the commitments I made years ago was it was that I was not going to enter the, enter my home on the phone. Yeah, because basically what that does is it tells the people that I'm going home to that I, you know that the person on the phone was more important than who was standing in front of me, and so I remember many times having to park, you know, at the end of the block. Yep, um, not when my kids were little, not even in the in the garage, because they would hear the garage door open and they want to come out and I'd be like, oh sorry, buds, I can't talk right now, but parking at the end of the block and finishing that conversation, doing whatever I needed to do to prepare myself to to be, you know, fully dad, when I got home Is it possible all the time?
Speaker 2No, not possible all the times. I mean the way that our life bleeds together. Sometimes we do need to bring work home, do different things that need to be done. Time sensitive, wise, but as best we can, can we fully show up?
Speaker 1You know, and to that point I heard you talk about that a while ago and it doesn't happen at all if you're not first intentional about it, because I didn't even realize. I actually I knew that I would enter the home quite often on my phone talking to whoever. But then when you, when you shared that, I remember, kind of doing a self-check like man, I wonder two things. Kind of doing a self-check like man, I wonder two things. I wonder number one do I do that and how often do I do it? Yeah, and number two, like what, what does that do to my family? Like how do they feel?
The Art of Being Present
Speaker 1And so I remember, when you shared that with me, originally thinking that and first is like I'm going to change it, I'm going to stop and change this, but this habits happen and they continue to happen without, you know, real intentionality. You'll continue on the same habit. And so I just continued going home and I'm on the phone, but I already pulled up, I'm just going in, you know I. You said like yeah, garage is open, they know I'm home, uh, so I'm going in, but realizing and putting more intentionality on it, I have tried to get better and I have gotten better, but to that point, before you even talked on that, I wasn't even like aware of how often I was doing it. That man, could this be a way that I could intentionally show up at home for that relationship with my wife, my family, my kids, in a more positive light and absolutely?
Speaker 2I think that's one of the most important things we can do, like for a relationship, cj for sure is just this whole idea of what does it mean to be fully present. Yeah, because it's so easy to just be in it in the same space but be so distracted that we're not even we're sharing space but we're not sharing experience, we're not sharing just ourself, yeah. And so there are certain things, like I remember a buddy of mine. He got a new Apple watch. Yeah, and I have this. I just I have it's a normal watch, it's just digital. It just just tells me at the time it's weird.
Speaker 2Yeah, this would say fossil.
Speaker 1but at any rate, but the.
Speaker 2But I remember he asked me. He said, hey, would you? I got a new Apple watch, do you want my old one? And I'm like man, a free Apple watch, yeah, that sounds amazing and whatever Right. But I said you know I don't want it. And he's like what, why wouldn't you want this Apple Watch? And I said, well, because here's the deal. I don't need one more thing buzzing, vibrating, doing whatever that's taking my attention away from the people I'm with.
Speaker 2Because how many of us like being in a meeting or in a conversation with someone and then they're constantly looking at their phone or they're looking at their wrist, or they're looking around the room wondering is there anybody else here? That's maybe a little bit more important, that would maybe do a little bit more for me personally in my career or whatever. None of us like that. There's not one person that would say man, sign me up for that conversation. So why am I going to, knowing who I am?
Speaker 2Now, I'm easily distractible. Okay, I can be distracted with the best of them. I'm not saying I'm Doug in the whole up cartoon movie, but I am easily distractible. And so I'm like why do I want to put something on my wrist. That's going to cause me to take my attention off the person that I'm with. Okay, do I make mistakes? Do I look at my phone? Do I? Yes, I, I do, but as best I can. It's, it's on silent, it's over here, it's in my bag, it's on the it's, you know, turned upside down yeah, at meetings, because I don't need it. Lighting up, yeah, and the same thing as as as a watch. So it's those kind of intentional pieces it also makes me free, because that's.
Speaker 2That's the other thing, bro. Like we're just. We're just like chained to stuff all the time. Yeah, you know, yeah. So how do we just simplify our life a little?
Speaker 1bit more. We were talking before we hit the record button and you had a great point. So many times when you're shooting a podcast, the gold tends to always happen pre or post show. Right, we do our best to make sure some of it makes the show, but so much of it is pre and post, and so we almost have to always have the record going so we can put the gold in there and all the B-roll the comedic things.
Speaker 2I know Some of that stuff was comedic gold bro. I don't know, I know.
Speaker 1We'll have to see if somewhere you have this AI around us, or I don't know maybe the meta got it, I don't know, but we were talking about so many times the things that we do. They literally are done whether knowingly or not, but done in a way of like, how is this going to have me show up? Like, what are other people going to think when I show up driving X or wearing X or looking like like so much of it is we we put so much heavy emphasis on how are others going to see me if I, you know, have X, y or Z? And then you were saying that you know, we do these things to impress other people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, and then we're chained to them, we get stuck and it's like, well, now, what we were actually talking about? That? Just about, like, these podcasts and stuff. We didn't know how the heck to start a podcast. When you first started the ResGen podcast, did you know how to do it?
Speaker 2No, ResGen podcast. Did you know how to do it? No, no, didn't have a clue. Me either. When I started ResGen, I didn't know how to do it. To be clear, I still don't know how to do it.
Speaker 1No, 100%, 100%, and we don't even know if it's working, but we're here, we're here. But to that point, like man, I get these things that go on the wall and it's like I get these things and these headsets and it's like, well, now it's just how I do it. So I mean, there's like I can't go back right like but the truth is like we could if we decided that we wanted to switch it up and and change and not wear these things yeah, and it's, it's and it is.
Letting Go of False Identities
Speaker 2It is something that can be simpler than we think it needs to be. Yeah, I remember when we first canceled our well, number one, I remember I think first it was maybe cable, okay, and just the thought of, well, how how can I deal without cable? Yeah, you know. And then it's like, well, okay, we'll get. You know, we'll get Netflix, yeah. And then all of a sudden, now we have, you know, seven streaming services, yeah, and, and I'm like I don't even watch that television that much, but we have all these streaming services. And then it's like you know what, we're going to let these things expire or we're going to counsel them or whatever. And the crazy thing is is that oftentimes, when we do, we don't miss them. No, I remember cutting our home phone, the landline, and going just to cell phones. That's how old I am. Hey, wait, what is a landline? And going just to cell phones. That's how old I am. Wait, what is a landline? Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1Yeah, that's how old I am, I mean I'm, I'm 49 now bro.
Speaker 2So, like I'm, you're doing great, fit and healthy. That's right. So, but the thing is is like I remember just cutting that, cutting the cord and and having this feeling of, well, what happens if, if somebody calls our landline and they can't get ahold of us, or you know, now we can't leave our? What happens if you go into, if you leave your phone at home on your way to work? Yeah, we panic. What happens if we go into the bathroom without our phone? Yeah, we panic.
Speaker 1Yeah, absolutely, I can't sit here without my phone and, yeah, it's wild. But we struggle letting go, and I think that there's that quote out there I don't know who said it but you have to let go of being good to get to great, and so many times, these things that are holding us back they're good, they're good, we feel good about them, and so letting them go can be so difficult. A real personal one that hits home for me. We had just a hard financial period in 2024. It was a rough year business-wise, but you know, I look back at it and even going through it now I look at it and it's like it was okay. It was definitely okay, but we had to make some changes.
Speaker 1I remember, ever since the Ford Raptor came out, you know it, originally this truck came out as a just a two-door, didn't even have a four-door, but I don't even know what it was, just this cool truck that had more power than you ever needed, and I wanted one. I wanted one and I kind of had my mind set of like one day I'm going to get one. Well, we finally got to a spot where I felt, you know, that I could afford it, and I looked at the numbers and I could I could you know afford to to purchase this thing, or so I thought, right, predicting that the future doesn't change in a negative way, we should be able to afford this. So I had purchased a Ford Raptor, felt great. And, man, when we hit that financial hiccup having to make the decision to let that go, financial hiccup, having to make the decision to let that go one of the first things was what are people going to think? Like that was literally one of the first things is what are people going to think? And why is there so much weight on that? Does what I drive? Does what I drive change who I am? Like I could still show up the way I wanted to, the way that I always have, and unless you've seen what I pulled up in and got out of, you would have never known what I actually arrived in, right, but so letting that go and one of the biggest of the the the biggest things was like oh my goodness, what are people going to think?
Speaker 1And it was very hard. From that aspect, it was actually an easy I just I did my best to just like hey, I'm just going to go do this. I just went and did it and got rid of it, and it was actually a lot harder of a situation to go through than I think I realized it would be, because then it brought on this feeling of failure. It brought on this feeling of I'm not good enough. It brought on this feeling of maybe I'm not worthy, maybe I'm not deserving, maybe I really don't have what it takes to be able to hold it together enough to afford that, and really all it was was a bunch of negative self-talk that I just had to silence and realize that none of it was true. But it does pop up. It absolutely pops up.
Speaker 2Yeah, and so often it's about stuff that at the end of the day, doesn't really matter. And for you it was a Raptor, yeah, right, which became a symbol of success at some. You know, figment of your imagination when you got like this is this is something that I feel good about, yeah, but then, when that wasn't something that you could no longer afford and it wasn't wise to keep, yeah, then it became a symbol of your failure. Yeah, and I think that for so many of us, myself included we all have raptors. So the question is like what's our raptor? Yeah, what's the raptor? What if you know, what, if something was taken from you? Yeah, what has become something that you have maybe cleaved onto so much that it has become a piece of your identity? Yeah, when, at the end of the day, it's not who you are, no, it's just what you drive, yep.
Speaker 2That's why one of the biggest things that I try to communicate in my newest corporate talk that I'm really excited about sharing actually out in Houston with the Fit Body crew yeah, me too In February is you know, what you do matters, because what you do does matter, yeah, but how you do it matters more. But who you are matters most, yeah, and who you are is just again, it's about your heart, yep, and so who are you? And so then, I think what we really need to ask ourselves, the question is what? What fills our heart? What kind of motivations, what kind of emotions, what kind of messages are written on our hearts? Because, at the end of the day, cj, what fills our heart rules our life. And so the question is what are we filling our heart with? And so, when you think about the power of relationships for me, I mean at the end of the day, I mean, like I changed the way that I introduced myself, I mean you know this because I say listen.
Speaker 2My name is Tom Henderson. I'm a follower of Jesus, I'm a husband to Laura, I'm a dad to Isaiah and Chase and I'm the founder of ResGen. So the reality is is the first three things that I mentioned. Those things will never change. Yeah, I'm always going to be a follower of Jesus, I'm always going to be a husband to Laura and I'm going to always be a dad to Isaiah and Chase.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Someday res gen, you know, hopefully not for a very, very long time. Yeah, but it may cease to be around. Yeah, but if it ceases to be around tomorrow, I'm still Tom Henderson. I'm still Tom Henderson, I'm still a follower of Jesus. I'm a husband to Laura and I'm a dad to Isaiah and Chase. And so when we understand that our identity is in those kinds of things and not in the things of the world. That's why 1 Samuel 16, 7 talks about like do not look at the things that you know. The world judges by a certain standard. The Lord doesn't look at the things that the world looks at. The Lord looks at the heart.
Speaker 2And so for each of us to be able to put our heart under the microscope and say you know what is my motivation for that? And obviously we can fine tooth comb that and we can and it's okay to say, hey, I just want it because it's fun, that's okay, that's totally okay. If you can afford it, you can do. I mean, whatever it is, it doesn't have to be some big old truck, it's just, it's anything, yeah. But if it's, if it's simply to impress, if it's simply to just put on this, you know.
Speaker 1I've got to look successful.
Speaker 2So, I feel successful, I get all of it, but at the end of the day, it's not going to make us be more us. Yep. So how? How do we help ourselves be more of our authentic self, which I think begins with obviously our own, obviously our our own, you know, personality. But then surrounding ourselves with people that that will encourage us, that speak the truth to us, uh, that will tell us the things that we don't want to hear. Um, because those kinds show me your friends, I'll show you your future, kind of a vibe. We become the average of the top five people we spend, we spend time with. Those are all great tweets, those are all great little sayings, but there's truth to them.
Speaker 1Yeah, there is. I was actually just reading, oh no, I was listening to a podcast, another podcast, and it said those little sayings that become cliche. There's more truth in the cliches than you can ever realize because they get repeated so often and become cliche because they're so true, like, because they're so true, right, and? And to that point I was just thinking, like you don't have to have anything different to start doing something different. So many times it's like, well, man, if my relationship was just better, then I would love this person more. Like, if our wait a minute, what if you just started loving this person more, your relationship would probably get better.
Speaker 1But it's like we always put the carriage in front of the horse and it's just backwards, right, I don't have to for me, holy moly, and I think I probably still struggle this more with this, more than I really really willing to even admit. But it's like fit body, like I put my identity in fit body Like. Like to your point, if fit body changes, goes away, becomes something different, does what happens to CJ? Well, the truth is CJ still does CJ. Cj still shows up, loving people, motivating others and bringing the energy into every room that I go into, because that's me and I can still do that, no matter what change, without a raptor. I can do it without a raptor.
Speaker 1And so what things are you and I, and our viewers and listeners, what things are we waiting to do because something else needs to happen first? And what if we just decided, you know what, no, today I'm going to start making time for this certain relationship. Or today I'm going to turn my phone off when I go into my house and be intentional about how I show up for my marriage. Right, because we all want better things. Yeah, relationships, family, friendships. We want those things to be better. But it's like, are we willing to do what it's going to take to get there?
Speaker 2Yeah, are we willing to? Are we willing to have it start with us? One of my favorite questions. That really was a game changer for really my my relationship with my boys first, and then it began to transfer into my relationship with Laura, then relationship with in just the business world and with friendships, and it was a question that I just began asking them when, specifically when we'd be talking or they're telling me about issues or something, this is what happened to me and blah, blah, blah. My temptation, like, I think, a lot of guys or whatever, but my temptation is to say, well, here's what you should have done, yeah, or here's what, or here's how, or I'm going to fix it.
Speaker 1I'm going to step in.
Speaker 2I'm going to take care of this problem, whatever it is. But one of the questions I started asking them that has since bled into every other relationship is you know? So what do you need from me right now? Yeah, because what I've found is that what most people don't need is they don't need another motivational talk, they don't need another. You know, hey, here's, you know, steps one, two, three to you know, overcome your problem. This is how I would have done it. They don't need anything like that. What they really need is they just need someone to listen and to seek to understand.
Speaker 2Yeah, and if that is our again our mindset, if that is the posture in which we enter conversations with that type of servant-hearted and servant-minded attitude, will do nothing but help our relationships, because it places the focus more on them than it does ourselves.
Speaker 2But the problem is, is that because we're selfish human beings that's who we are and so our temptation is to just put the focus on ourself. And if I fix this problem, then I just, really just that makes me feel good because I did that problem If I tell you hey, this is what I would have done. Well, that makes me feel smarter. Yep, just come in and just, you know, just tell you that, that you know you made a big mistake and you shouldn't have done it, well then that makes me feel more powerful, or whatever. But if we come in and say, you know what would be what's the most helpful to you right now, yeah, and then listen and respond in that way, now there'll be times when, when, when, maybe they'll ask to have some things fixed, which, by the way, happens so much more after they realize that, man, you really do just care enough that you just want to meet me where I'm at.
Speaker 1Yep, but then they're open to receiving it because you asked them what is it that you need from me right now? Because you asked them what is it that you need from me right now? And if your sons are just like Dad, I don't know what I need right now, but what would you do? Well, now they invited. They invited you to let them know what you would do, and now they're all ears because they wanted your input. But if they tell you something and then you're like well, son, here's what I would do, they're like now the exact same advice, but you got to it through their permission.
Building Strong Relationships Through Intentional Communication
Speaker 2Now they're willing to receive and of course, uh, the opposite can be true too, where, if they, if, if they don't want the advice at that moment, you got to be okay with that too. You have to, yeah, right. And so I mean, that's probably one of my favorite questions to ask, because it's such a great relationship building question and skill. But then the other is just to ask the question of well, how much have you prayed about that? Yeah, and what do you think the Lord's? Well, how much have you prayed about that? Yeah, and what do you think the Lord's trying to teach or share with you? Because then it calls them to think about what's ultimately important as well is you know God's leading in their life.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And so that maybe works a little better with your kids than maybe your wife Sometimes.
Speaker 1like well honey you know what does the Lord say about the purchase. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, better with your kids than maybe your wife sometimes like well, honey, you know what is? What does the lord say about yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that doesn't always go over. Yeah, I'm teasing, but but those, those types of I've, that's what I think, um, for so many of our relationships, if we become better question askers, yeah, instead of uh, sermon gi, yeah, or whatever you want to call them. They're not service message givers or whatever Our relationships usually benefit.
Speaker 1Yeah, you know something that actually, before you even just said what you just said was going through my mind was you know, every year at the ResGen Men's Summit, we then get invited, or it's actually the day before, usually. This year it's different, but we get invited to the date night comedy. And you know, just, the awful statistics of the fact of the matter is that most couples don't date and then when they do, maybe have the opportunity to go on date night, like they don't even know what questions to ask, and so I've always appreciated how, at the event, you know, hey, and we've given you a list of 20 questions, 35, actually 35.
Speaker 1We're writing more right now. Perfect Of questions that you can ask, and what's so crazy is that we should be able. It feels like we should be able to just know what to ask, or questions that could spark great conversation, but the truth of the matter is like we're not, because we're so ingrained in the busyness of life that we don't even know like what to ask. My kids and I, we were at Perkins the other night. I had the opportunity. Mel was at a Little Wings team night, so they had a team meeting and they went out for dinner and so I had the opportunity to take my oldest and youngest. My middle child was with her mom.
Speaker 2Well, and let me change one word there you took the opportunity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we have opportunities all the time, but we have to take them.
Speaker 1We have to take them.
Speaker 2So you were intentional and you took the opportunity. So, first of all, kudos for you for taking the opportunity to take your kids perkins.
Speaker 1Hopefully you got them some pie, but anyway continue. Yeah, unfortunately sorry to burst that bubble no pie, but pancakes, pancakes, okay, which are great breakfast for dinner.
Speaker 1I love it, yes um, and so when we were sitting there and, uh, the kids and I were talking for a little while and it's like, oh, what do you guys want to talk about? And, honestly, like they shared a couple things, I shared a couple things, then we kind of like we reached a stalemate. We were sitting there and we're like man, what are we talking about? Covered it all? No, so we we actually go on, uh to, to the app store and we looked up like questions, uh for families, kids questions and we found some dumb little app thing that I downloaded. But my goodness it was. You just click this little button and a new card would flip over on your phone. But we had so much fun because we didn't know what the question was going to be. And then it was like it was like who in your family is most likely to get in trouble for breaking something and not telling that they did it.
Speaker 1And, on the count of three, point at them One, two, three, and we point at whoever we thought it was. But man, just the question without the question. We reached the stalemate. But then, when we had the question and entered in this conversation based on questions, it brought new life to our dinner and finally we got to a point where we kind of like we're sitting there and we look at you like mom's probably home by now Like we should go home.
Speaker 1We're just sitting there and we're laughing, we're having fun and just talking, and, man, we don't get those opportunities and we don't make the time for enough.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah. Well, that's one of the reasons why we even put those on cards, because, again, you can. There's apps, there's, you know, Pinterest things, I mean all the you know this is not earth shattering type stuff that we do, but it's. But the goal is is that if we're giving you a card and, like, all the questions are on those cards, then we're not on our phones.
Speaker 2No, leave the phone away Because the reality is is that with the notifications and I just encourage like I don't have any notifications on my phone, yeah, I text and email and that's it and then, and my phone's on silent when I go home and then, and then I choose to to you know when I want to go and grab that and yeah, and even things like establishing no phone zones for our house. Yeah, you know, there was when you take the time to have dinner together by the dinner table. I'm just, I am just adamant about it. I just feel like that needs to be a no phone zone, because that's the family time. We had once a week game nights in our home where we would. We would just put the phones away and say you know, and that is a big deal, especially to teenagers, because they want to be connected all the time.
Speaker 2Yeah, and so you know that didn't always go over really well, but the actually became something that they looked forward to and, to be honest, I did too, because I'm not I'm not exempt from the cell phone addiction camp. Yeah, so I want to. I want to share that Like. I'm not exempt from that. I'm tied to my phone, tethered to my phone, just like, so I have to. But, knowing me, same thing with the watch. I have to be intentional about that so that I'm not just tooling around checking Twitter like, oh, what's on sale at Amazon? What's doing all so? All that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1It just it really takes discipline to do it and you know, I always I like to say, when we're talking about this type of stuff, if maybe someone is similar to both of us and struggles with being tied to their phone, it's not like you heard this. And now it's going to be a light switch where you bing, you hit that light switch and it's like, oh man, I've got no phone zones established. I never walk in my house on the phone talking to whoever. Like I'm just great, it's going to be a dimmer switch. Right, you're going to slowly move that thing.
Speaker 1And, man, like I remember when you first told me about the whole showing up at home without your phone, like I struggled right away, like getting into a routine of not. And then I do remember for a time I was like really doing well, like I was making sure I was going home without it. But to be honest, tom, like we hadn't talked about that for a while and you just brought that up again to me, but it actually like made a couple like flags pop up in my mind. Like man, I need to get better at that Because, thinking back just to this last month specifically, actually last night, man, I was allowing my phone to hijack my relationship and when we think about it that way, it's like we're allowing this electronic device to hijack our relationship. And I was talking to Mel, my wife. I'm like you know. We actually just started doing this devotional. A guy in our men's group got it for us. It's written off of Duck Commander or Duck Dynasty.
Speaker 2I'm not a hunter. I'm not a hunter.
Speaker 1But him and his wife wrote a devotional and one of the guys in our men's group said it's been such a powerful devotional. He was so kind enough he bought all of us guys one of these devotionals and my wife and I we just started it together and so we had some intentional time being together and I was like you know, I just love that, mel, you and I like we get to pick whoever like. We have the ability to pick whoever we want to to be our partner in life. Like that is a choice that we get to make and I'm just thankful that we chose each other and we get to have this relationship. But then you know, and that's very like, especially when you're, you know, just getting married and then honeymoon stage, like that's real stuff right there, and you feel that heavily and you just feel like this is, there's nothing that could pull us apart.
Speaker 1And now here we are, almost 10 years later from when we got married. And you know, if you go back and listen to the podcast that you and I shot on your podcast I talk about how Mel and I almost didn't make it, you know, and to realize like, or to think that that could possibly even be a thing Like I would have never thought and you get through it. And then now that you realize, like man, I'm allowing this digital device to hijack the most precious person, like the most human being, she's who I decided I want to do life with. Yeah, she's my human and, and so I don't want to let this digital device get between us. Yeah, and there's a lot and, and so I don't want to let this digital device get between us.
Speaker 2Yeah, and there's a lot of great things about phones and all this stuff, and obviously when we even started this convo we didn't even know where it was going to go. We just let it go. But here's the deal, like one of the most freeing statements that was said to me, um, that maybe this will set some people free on just connection to the phone and feeling like they're always maybe letting people down. But I'm a, I'm a people pleaser by nature. It's just kind of who I am. And so one of the statements that I used to make all the time whether it be via email, text messages, phone call returns, whatever was especially on texting was when I would say hey, sorry for the late reply. Yeah, and I remembered saying that, excuse me, saying that one time to a guy on the phone hey man, I'm really sorry about it, it took me so long to get get your call back and he said why I said I don't know Cause.
Speaker 2I just it seemed like a lot of time went by and he said, tom, here's the deal your phone is there for your convenience, not mine. Yeah, and that statement set me free from so much bondage and feeling like I'm at everybody else's beck and call. Now, do I still love people 100%? Do I still want to get back to people in a timely fashion? Yes, be professional 100%. But the reality is, is that I'm doing the best I can, and how do we make sure that we keep our life as best we can, in balance, to where it's?
Speaker 2We're not necessarily serving all these other people and leaving those that are the most important people in our life being our families. You know, I call them my casket carriers. You know people that, that, um, they're the ones that are going to be carrying my casket down. Um, how do I make sure that I'm I'm not shirking responsibilities and not caring for other people, but how do I make sure that I'm giving my best and not giving everybody else my leftovers? Yeah, um, you know, like, and there was a lot of years siege where, like, um, I mean laura and I, we just hit 29 years of marriage. Congrats on that and there, thanks, man. There's that, and oh, congrats to her. She's the one stuck with this wow, he's up with you but.
Speaker 2But there was a lot of uh years where, like I, I just I was so focused on, on you know the audience.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2And I don't mean that as, like you know where I usually am on a stage speaking to people, but I'm just talking about just the audience of whoever was there and giving my family, specifically my leftovers. And so, being mindful of how do I make sure that when I come home, when we're, when we're with each other, um, you know, utilizing the phones for, for check-ins, and Laura and I will check in throughout the day. Um, I'll check in with the boys how they're doing now again, they're young adults now, so it's different. But but, um, with Laura specifically, um, it wasn't always positive when I would go home and we hadn't connected all day long, because now, all of a sudden, she wants to unload a bunch of stuff, I need to unload a bunch of stuff, whatever, and there's just stress. So there's times where we'll text her in the day and or I'll say, hey, listen, I'm going to go.
Speaker 2So I did this this morning. I said, hey, just so you know I've got a lunch meeting, Then I'm going to be recording a podcast with CJ and won't be able to connect with you until four o'clock. So is there anything you need from me right now? Just putting that out there at the front end. So that way, if she does need something, I've provided that opportunity for her. And then vice versa, I could say hey, you know what? Actually, if you could, I mean I'd love to just text her and say can you just be praying for me in this?
Building Strong Relationships Through Consistent Communication
Speaker 1way. Yeah, as I go into this or whatever, that's a, that's a 29 years of marriage pro tip, like you weren't. You weren't doing that year one Marriage hack. Like you know what I mean. You know, like that you develop these communication hacks and these things that really truly work into your point. Like I'm sure you're not always perfect at it, you know, like there's there's so many times where it and and I did a podcast on this, just it was a solo episode a while back like we have to get rid of that all or nothing mindset. Like you're not gonna always do it perfect, but can you do it a little better than than you've been doing?
Speaker 2well, and you touched on that. You know like saying, okay, I'm gonna do this with the phone, no phone zones, you know, not gonna to. So it's it's what's? What's one step. The case is, what's one step? It's the same thing Like if you're going to work out, it's like okay, I'm going to get in there, I'm going to be, you know, every day, one hour a day. I'm killing it. But one of my favorite statements, one of my favorite statements and I love saying this because I think it's so applicable in pretty much every area of our life is that long-term consistency beats short-term intensity. Yeah, and I mean that's obvious in a workout situation. Um, but it but it's it's so much in as we're trying to develop disciplines, as we're trying to just take steps and being, you know, healthier as individuals in our relationships. Um, even in, even in our faith, man, I mean it's just like okay that's it.
Speaker 2I'm going to read nothing but the Bible for 24 hours a day. Okay, that's good. What if you read a little bit every day in increments? Because then that's going to be sustainable.
Speaker 2So how are we creating sustainable change Because, at the end of the day, that's what's going to make the long-term difference and that's what we want. That's what we want. Yeah, that's what we want. Yeah, by no means is our marriage perfect there's no such thing as a perfect marriage but it's a marriage with 29 years of experiences, both good and bad things that we've had to travel through.
Speaker 2You know, when we started the whole conversation, I'm like texting, texting in the day. Sorry, I'm going to talk with my hands, it was. She came out because she's like I feel disconnected with you in the day. Sorry, I talk with my hands. It came out because she's like I feel disconnected with you throughout the day because you're out there killing it, you're doing your thing, all of this, and then you come home and then you unload it all and I haven't been able to even just talk to you about what's going on in my life or with the kids, or whatever. And I realized, man, I got to do a better job of staying connected, because the reality is is relationships grow through continuous connection. And so how do I do a better?
Speaker 1again, it starts with intentionality of staying connected, because connection, continued connection, is what's going to cause growth, depth, ongoing understanding of who the person is all of that kind of stuff, and we are both you and Laura, me and Mel we're all going through our own journey, right, and so what our connection was yesterday, and then life happens. So now we need to connect again and, and that's the thing so many times like we almost, we almost put it as like a checkbox. So, yep, connected this month, yeah, and and it's like no daily daily.
Speaker 2Yeah, ted cunningham, who's a great friend of mine. He'll be a speaker at the men's summit this year. He's coming back for date night comedy. He he says that one of his mentors and I've taken this and put it into, implemented it into my life. Yeah, I love sharing it with others. Is he talks about the daily delay?
Speaker 2Yeah, so it's that 15 to 20 minutes of no technology, just connection time that you can call it. I mean, call it a little business meeting, whatever you want, but it's just that understanding that we need to communicate daily. And but it's just that understanding that we need to communicate daily. Yep, and let's just say that you're not married. Okay, and let's just say that you're a single parent, well, you're doing those things. You're connecting with your kids daily.
Speaker 1Yep.
Speaker 2So that there's that ongoing communication and relationship building. Same thing with friendships, Yep. Same things with our employees at work. Yeah, how are we connecting on an ongoing basis? Second thing weekly withdrawal. So that's the once a week date night, because then if we're only doing it once a month, then the problem is is that it's just so?
Speaker 1much time.
Speaker 2But but also understanding that finances don't and there's seasons of life. But if finances don't allow, that doesn't mean it's gotta be some big Wahoo deal. It doesn't mean that you gotta go out for you know all night long, you know whatever. But but there's a reality of saying how do we take a couple hours each week? So when our kids were little, we would just tell the boys when they were old enough to you know not, not get themselves in too much trouble.
Speaker 2I'd say hey, mom and dad are going to go downstairs for a couple hours and, unless your hair is on fire or something, we just need mom and dad to be down there. And the reason is is because we want to model for our kids the importance of our marriage. Yeah, because the second highest rate of divorce is in that 20-year marker and it's when kids begin to get older they start leaving the home. And then the husbands and the wives, they look at each other and say who are you?
Speaker 1What are we doing?
Speaker 2Yeah, because we haven't had that time to connect, yeah. And then the last thing would be the annual abandon, where you say, okay, I'm going to take a weekend, you're going to take a week, whatever you can to get away for an extended period of time together, to kind of rekindle just a lot of those unplug and rekindle, and that's almost like a formula right there to just better your communication.
Speaker 1And again like maybe you can't do all of them right now, but what can you? What can you do? I want to. I want to get rid of always diving into like, well, this won't work because we could always do that. We could always do that, but how can we make it work and what steps can we take? And you said that was from Ted at the Men's Summit and Date Night Comedy. Let's dive into that as we kind of come to a close. Tom, we could talk All day and this happened you know, last time we were shooting mine.
Speaker 1Man, there's just there isn't enough time. Yeah, which, by the way.
Speaker 2I don't know what episode number that was, but you know, for any listeners out there, viewers, you could go and you could check out. This is not a plug just for the ResGen Giving Life podcast, but it is a plug for you. Yeah, yeah, because it really was a great conversation, a lot of transparency and, yeah and uh, it was a meaningful conversation and a very helpful conversation from a lot of listeners, from what they shared with me, but if you want a little bit more of uh, it like in in, uh, in-depth look into the life of cj.
Speaker 2You can go and listen to that, um and uh. So, anyway, but, uh, yeah. So the res gen men's summit, bro, so excited, uh, the, uh. It's the ninth year of doing this. We've seen guys just grow this thing, uh, from 123 dudes the first year to now. You know, last year we had over 1150 men sold, you know, sold out here in sioux falls, 19 simulcast sites. Uh, this year we're expecting, you know, obviously the same sellout crowd here in sioux falls and uh, and then, um, adding even more simulcast sites this year. So we're very, very excited about just bringing guys together again. Ages, really 17. Last year our oldest guy was 84. And it's a level, it's just a level playing field.
Speaker 2It's just a field where guys from all different walks of life, all different types of jobs, styles of dudes, come we say how do we be better men, how do we love God, love our wives, love our kids and live out our light in the workplace? And so it's been so fun and I'm so grateful that I mean you always come and you always bring dudes with you.
Speaker 1And then I love it.
Speaker 2And so that's February 1, saturday, february 1 coming up and just I don't know about three weeks from now. So so very excited about that. I would highly recommend that, if you're a dude out there listening, that you grab that ticket sooner rather than later, because it was sold out over a week in advance last year. If you're a gal out there listening, if you have a husband, if you have an uncle, if you have a son, if you have a coworker, this would be something that we make it super inexpensive. 40 bucks for half a Saturday.
Speaker 2Give me 8 am to 1 pm and I promise you you will not be bummed out with the way that you invested those five hours and you know tickets are resgenorg R-E-S-G-E-Norg.
Speaker 1Yeah, I'll make sure I drop that link in the description down below as well. But, man, I'm just looking forward to that. You know I, like you said, I always bring some buddies and we go together and it's just such an awesome. And I love too that it's always like the beginning of the year because it does just really set the stage, get your mind right, get set Like man, I want to just show up this year a little better than I did last year. I want to show up just in a way, a little more meaningful, and you always have awesome speakers lined up, so I'm excited about that as well. And then, and then the great little workbook you can take your notes and be able to then to. It's encouraged to then even get together with those guys and talk later about that.
Speaker 1And I've had relationships from that, you know, that have sparked and are still going from. You know, I think I've been going to it for four years and it's just awesome. So, absolutely. And then, so that's coming up. Yeah, in about three weeks we'll drop the link for that.
Speaker 2And then you can hit that same link, because that's then February 27 and 28 is date night comedy, and that's that's such a great time of just bringing couples together, cou, couples that are engaged, married for a lot of years, just getting going on the dating scene, whatever, but we just bring couples together to laugh.
Speaker 2One of the things that we don't do enough in our culture today, in our busy schedules, is laugh, yeah, and so we just want to bring couples together to laugh, have a good time, and then, of course, we want to help them just grow in their relationship as well. So we we throw out some of those relational tips and tools and hacks and different things like that to help you continue to grow your marriage and, and you know, build that foundation and your marriage and faith and and so yeah, that that's great too, and I feel like too.
Speaker 1The ResGen Men's Summit is just such an awesome place. You know for for any ladies listening, you know for any ladies listening, you know you might hear ResGen Men's. When you hear Men's Summit, you turn your ears off. But to your point, like you said, man, if you've got any guy in your life, send them. Send them, because this thing I didn't even realize what it would spark into and you know, obviously you know you too, like you say, back in in the day you didn't even know if this was going to be something that would take off and become what it is, but it has turned into to a connection ground for me to really find some meaningful relationships in my life. That's awesome for for me to find mentors in my life to. Then I'm having coffee with these guys I met through resgen and and they're just helping me, uh. And so, yeah, I just I'm so appreciative, tom, of the work that you do. I'm so looking forward to uh hanging out with you in houston yeah um, and then and then catching that flight back.
Speaker 1So that we can get to the, to the date night, um, but hey, thank you for your time.
Speaker 2Yeah, dude, so many knowledge, nuggets knowledge nuggets, maybe a couple, but yeah, and I would just tell you like so a lot of the stuff that that like the relationships, like at resgenorg, there'sa whole resources section that you can download for free. A lot of your conversation starters for your next date night. Here's a bunch of ideas for fun ideas for your next date night, conversation starters with your teenagers, scriptures that can help you in difficult times in your life. All those different kinds of things are all there at resgenorg, in addition to you know grabbing and hopefully that you can come out and be a part of the date night and the men's summit and all of that so anyway, bro, I I'm appreciative of you, your friendship, yeah, uh, allow me to jump on here with you.
Speaker 2yeah and uh, these sharpen you and I, like you mentioned earlier, and hopefully it was a little bit beneficial for others too.
Speaker 1Absolutely. I mean, I know that I got some stuff that just kind of re-sparked in my life. I'm going to be able to leave today and implement with my wife and my kids and my family, so I appreciate that. Tom man, you guys thank you so much for spending time with tom and I. Uh, we just about hit that hour mark, which is just awesome. I love it. You guys have so many things you could be doing, but you decided to spend time with us. My hope is that your life is is able to get more fit and more healthy in the relationship areas after what we talked about today. Go out, be great today. Do us a huge favor like, subscribe and share this episode, and I'll put the links in the comments below. But you guys, go out and be great today, tom. Thank you, buddy, thank you, brother, everyone else. Have an awesome day. Bye, you guys.
