Own Your Past, Break Your Limits and Achieve Your Dreams

Ever wondered how your past could be shaping your present and holding you back from future success? Join us in a compelling conversation with licensed therapist Jason VanRuler, the insightful mind behind "Get Past Your Past," as we uncover the hidden barriers of self-limiting beliefs and past traumas. Jason passionately discusses the intricacies of building healthier relationships not just with people, but with everyday elements like food and finances.

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Transcript

Get Past Your Past

CJ Wehrkamp 0:00

What if we could get past our past, break self-limiting beliefs, embrace our uniqueness and finally achieve the goals, the desires and the dreams that we have? Well, friend, the truth is that you can, and in today's episode I sit down with a good friend of mine. Jason Van Ruler, who is a licensed therapist, wrote the book Get Past your Past, and he is helping us understand how you can do exactly that. Let's dive in to today's episode. Well, jason, welcome to the show my friend.

Jason Van Ruler 0:58

This has been so good. I've been looking forward to this conversation, so thanks for having me on.

CJ Wehrkamp 1:02

Yeah, that's good. I feel like just certain circumstances have aligned where it's allowed us to really connect in a way where this is going to be more impactful than if it just been. Hey, I've seen Jason do amazing work. I'd love to get him on my show, but I feel like we've been able to have some conversations leading up to this where we're going to really be able to help a lot of people, because what I've learned about you is your heart is gold, you want to do it for the right reasons and you truly want to make an impact so that people can live just a better, more meaningful life, and so I really appreciate that about you.

Jason Van Ruler 1:38

Oh well, thank you so much, and I feel the same way about you. I mean, getting to know you better has just shown me you're passionate about people and your vision, and not only that, but about relationships, which is something I'm passionate about.

CJ Wehrkamp 1:51

So it's been a good connection. Yeah, absolutely Real quick. I guess, jason, for maybe anyone that doesn't know, you go ahead and just give us a quick one to two minute overview what do you do and why do you do it?

Jason Van Ruler 2:02

if you would, yeah, well, that's a great question and some days it's hard to answer. The short answer is I'm a therapist, but I also speak and I've written a book and love to write and do social media, and so I do a lot of different things, but at the end of the day, I think the thing I try to do most is just help people have healthier relationships. Yeah, and that's something I've been passionate about my whole entire life. Yeah, ever since being a little kid, I just felt like boy, if I could help people have better relationships, that'd be great and then have them on my own. Yeah, so I was the kid in middle school where everyone's like I don't know what to tell this girl, jason what am I supposed to say?

CJ Wehrkamp 2:43

And I'm like write this in the note.

Jason Van Ruler 2:45

You know, I don't know, but that's just been something on my heart for a long time, and so, whatever I do, I think I do it around this idea that healthier relationships could change the world, and so that drives my activity.

CJ Wehrkamp 2:56

Yeah, I love that and I I've said this multiple times and it kind of ends up being something that I say more than I probably even realize. But I feel that life is meant to be a team sport. I feel that you need amazing people in your life to help you through life, because life can be challenging, right, and I'm sure in the work you do, you hear the gamut of it, you hear all the different things that people are going through, and so it's navigating those relationships, obviously, yes, with humans, but then our relationship with all the things, our relationship with food, our relationship with finances, our relationship with you name it and relationships I feel are so much more controlling in our lives, or can be, than we even realize Totally, yeah, I mean our whole life is relationship?

Jason Van Ruler 3:46

Yeah, and it's. I think we don't know how to do that well, or we haven't had a good role model. We just replicate where we come from. And if you want to talk about what is hard to do, it is hard to be different if you don't have people that support you. Yeah, right, I mean, especially around fitness. If you're surrounded by people who don't care about fitness, good luck, right, because you're swimming upstream and that's really hard to do when people aren't helping you. And so, whether it's fitness or it's emotional health or wellness or relationships, I think at the end of the day, like what's always said and it's cliche, but it's true is we become the people we spend time with, and I think sometimes, if we're not careful, we forget that.

CJ Wehrkamp 4:22

Yeah, absolutely. Your surrounding is so important and, speaking of that, one thing I really wanted to dive into with you today is something about past traumas. Your book Get Past your Past is helping people understand that your past doesn't have to be your future and that you really are in control of writing your story, doesn't have to be your future and that you really are in control of writing your story. And I feel, though and I'm not the expert in this area, but even for me is my belief of who I am has had to change so many times for me to become who I am today, and I have had imposter syndrome, and I have had these different limiting beliefs that I've dealt with. But in the field that you work with past traumas past anything I guess that people go through that kind of helped that set the tone for their life. What have you been able to find, as do people really have these past traumas that then even make it hard for them to navigate health and fitness.

Jason Van Ruler 5:27

Yeah, definitely, definitely, because I think it becomes who we are and it becomes the thing that guides us, whether we acknowledge that or not. Right, if you can imagine if you broke your leg as a kid but you never had it set, you never fixed it, you never had a cast, how would that impact you as an adult? Yeah Right, well, running would be really hard, right, you'd probably be in constant pain, you'd have all these issues because you never really dealt with it. And trauma and wounding as a kid is a lot the same. Right, it's sort of like these are the broken bones.

Recognizing and Overcoming Past Patterns

Jason Van Ruler 5:56

But I think when it comes to, like, our emotional health, we tend to say just just walk it off. Yeah Right, you're like my leg is broken, hey, just walk it off. And so we get so used to walking it off that it becomes a part of who we are, yeah, and then we don't even realize it's broken, yeah Right. And so we get into these places where we struggle because the life we're leading isn't the one we're called to, sure, but it's the only one we can live if we don't deal with our stuff.

CJ Wehrkamp 6:19

Yeah, where do you think the get past your past, your whole book, the whole everything that you wrote about? Why was that what you were? Because you told me you got some more books coming that you're working on, but why was that kind of what you wrote about first?

Jason Van Ruler 6:38

Yeah, because I think that's the origin of all of it, right? So often I would work with people and they would tell me a story about their childhood, or they'd tell me a story about past hurt and they'd never dealt with it. And then, wouldn't you know it, they'd tell me a story about today and it would be the exact same thing, right?

CJ Wehrkamp 6:50

They'd say like I don't know.

Jason Van Ruler 6:51

It's the weirdest thing. I grew up in a broken home and now I'm in a broken relationship. Yeah, like I wonder where that came from. And so part of the reason I wanted to talk about that is because if we don't change that, it just impacts and influences everything else. Right, I can teach you all the communication skills and conflict skills, but if what's underpinning that is broken, you're going to go back to it and really, kind of selfishly, this was all the result of my own work too, because I lived it right. So not only professionally am I passionate about it, but I had my own brokenness, and so I looked at what's made the biggest impact for me, and it's been dealing with the things that made an impact on me when I was younger.

CJ Wehrkamp 7:29

Sure, you know. I think that that's super impactful to just recognize. We have to recognize when there are past issues that we need to deal with. But how does a person do that if they don't? Because if we knew what we needed to fix, you would assume that we'd fix it. So I'm somewhat led to believe that so many of us, we get into these cycles of life where we keep seeing the same behaviors and the same patterns, but somehow we're not seeing it. So how can we start to recognize? When do we realize when? Oh hey, there's something I should probably dig into how can you recognize?

Jason Van Ruler 8:09

that. Yeah, that's a really good question and I mean, I think people want to change. They just don't know how. Yeah, but I think the first place we look is where am I stuck? Okay. And then to really just ask a deeper question of why do I think I'm stuck? Yeah, so many people have problem awareness. They question of why do I think I'm stuck? Yeah, so many people have problem awareness. Like, this is the problem and I'm sticking with the problem. But my question is always what's underneath that? Sure, right, so look under that and say, like, what do I think that's really about? And you can talk to a friend or a trusted mentor or therapist or anybody, but it's starting. To ask a different question is usually the first step. Yeah, right, just acknowledging the problem doesn't fix anything, right?

Jason Van Ruler 8:45

If you say hey, my leg's broken. Like that doesn't heal your leg, it just tells us you have an issue, right, and so I think, at the end of the day, like asking asking better questions, asking questions about where it comes from is really the start of that process.

CJ Wehrkamp 8:58

Yeah, asking questions can be difficult, yeah, right, especially the questions to someone that can help you. And you know, I feel like for a while, and maybe even still to this day, there is something like a negative kind of weight that goes along with, like seeing a mental health therapist. Like there's this negative kind of feeling of like oh, you are seeing a mental health therapist, like you must be messed up. But I of like, oh, you are seeing a mental health therapist, like you must be messed up. But I feel like that's totally not the truth and, if I'm being honest, I think all of us, you know, should have somebody that we're going to that's helping us navigate through the issues. So how do we help? How do we help someone realize it's okay to ask questions and get the help.

Jason Van Ruler 9:46

Yeah, and that's tough because, again, it kind of depends on where we grew up and what we've been taught you know as a midwesterner my whole life.

Jason Van Ruler 9:53

You know we don't ask for help. That's sort of against the rules. You just do it yourself, and so it can feel like you're doing the wrong thing. To tell someone you're struggling, yeah, but here's what I know just in my work and work with lots of different people, is people connect on struggles. Yeah, I wish it were different. Right, but people don't really connect on success, they connect on struggles.

Jason Van Ruler 10:13

If you think about people in your life in moments where you felt most deeply connected. It was probably over a struggle, yeah, right. And what we do instead is we say, well, I'll only tell the success. Yeah, and it makes it hard to get close to people and so I don't think you have to walk around telling everybody your problems.

Jason Van Ruler 10:29

Right, that's not my suggestion, but, but I think you have to tell people who care, who could help you about what's really going on. Yeah, and sometimes it's an easy fix. You know, the thing that I would say is like, yes, I am kind of the dentist of the mental health world. Right, nobody's excited to see me. They're not like, oh, I can't wait to see Jason. It's more like I got a cavity I got to work on and I get it. But here's the question I'd ask If you dealt with the cavity and it saved your marriage, would it be worth it? Yeah, yeah, if you dealt with the cavity and you achieve your goal, would it be worth it? And so I think at the end of the day, like, if you're trying a bunch of stuff that hasn't worked, why not try something new?

CJ Wehrkamp 11:08

Yeah, I think to that point. I would love to drive home the facts for people, everybody watching or listening I can't say everybody, I don't want to talk in absolutes but so many people have tried something for their health and their fitness and they've tried this program or they've tried that program and holy smokes, jason. You know as well as I do you. You go on the internet and you can find a different diet for any different way to live. You can find a different exercise. You can stand on a shaking plate and lose weight. You can do.

Jason Van Ruler 11:38

That Doesn't work. That works. It works for somebody. It had to work. It works for somebody somewhere, yeah.

CJ Wehrkamp 11:43

And so if somebody's tried a one of these other things and it hasn't worked to your point, what you just said is try something else, right, right, and so I don't know if fit body is going to be the solution, I don't know if yoga, if whatever, but we need to be willing to try new things. How do you encourage someone that is so against, like I've tried all the things and and they haven't, I'm done trying. How do you encourage someone to reset that mindset?

Jason Van Ruler 12:13

Yeah, I mean, I think the decision at that point is just change or accept the circumstance.

CJ Wehrkamp 12:18

Yeah Right, so I just say like hey, that's no problem.

Jason Van Ruler 12:20

Does that mean we're accepting where you're at? Yeah, right, well, yes, I am Okay. Well, then I mean it's not a whole lot to talk about, right. But if they say, well, I've tried everything and I refuse to accept it, all we can really do is try one more thing, try something else, and I think, at the end of the day, that's actually the beauty of life is trying new things. That's where you meet new people, you have new relationships. But a lot of people are afraid of that. And so when someone says to me, well, I've tried everything, my knee-jerk response is usually well, show me the list. Yeah, is usually well, show me the list, yeah. Okay, show me the list. How many things are there? And I gotta tell you, not many people ever have a list Right. They have one thing or two things and I just like, maybe those are great efforts, but now let's try another thing, yeah, and you never know.

CJ Wehrkamp 12:59

also, too, the different circumstances in life. You may finally try one of the same things you've already tried, but just the different circumstances and where you're at in life play out different. And this time it might work. Yeah Right, because sometimes I'm sure you've even in your business, have talked with somebody and they just weren't ready to to make that change. And then life, and they come back and maybe now it's like wow, here we are, a couple of years later and you are just doing amazing and and it was because the circumstances and they weren't ready to make that change. And so how do we get ready to make a change? How do we know when we're ready?

Jason Van Ruler 13:40

Well, that's a good question. You're tired of living how you've been living, yeah, yeah, that's the start, and I think I love what you brought up, because not many people talk about that is, we're not always going to get the result we want. Yeah, sometimes it's just not going to be for us at that time. But to your point, sometimes people come back and they say, jason, you know, we spoke, I wasn't ready, I'm ready now and everything's different. Yep, and I go. I'm still the same guy, like my jokes are still the same. I think we all have that. You know, I've been that person where I've gone. Man, I hear it, it's true, I just not really willing to listen to it yet, and so I think just the willingness to keep trying is really the core thing, and then openness and being willing to be curious is really helpful too.

CJ Wehrkamp 14:28

Yeah, absolutely, and I think that's such good advice to people is, as long as you're willing to keep trying, you will eventually get there.

CJ Wehrkamp 14:38

Yep, you know, when I was talking with Nate I don't know if you know Nate Welch, I mean you know him, but I don't know how well you know him he was at the ResGen men's retreat that we got to be on a few months back now men's retreat that we got to be on a few months back now. But we were talking about so many times. We all see the success of everything, because that's what life is anymore. Like you just said, everybody highlights their success. We don't see what it took for that person to get there, and so if you're not at the success that you want to be at, then guess what? You're somewhere in that journey that no one's sharing, and so you keep going and eventually you're going to be able to tell that story of how you finally reached the relationship that you're after reached the weight loss that you're after reached that insert any goal, and you'll get to share that as long as you don't give up. Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 15:27

Right, yeah, most people talk about the beginning or the end. Yeah, they don't talk about the messy middle. Yeah, right. Yeah, most people talk about the beginning or the end. Yeah, they don't talk about the messy middle.

Jason Van Ruler 15:32

Yeah, and the messy middle is so lonely because you're seemingly in there all on your own right. It's like I'm in the place where I'm doing the pushups and I'm not losing weight or I'm eating better, but it's not changing a whole lot. People don't talk about that because the best time to talk about a problem is when you've solved it already. Yeah, hey, here's a problem I've got. I solved it like a year ago, but I want to tell you that's kind of what we do, yeah, or we just talk about the problem, yeah, not. A lot of people say I've got a problem, I'm like halfway through working through it and man, it's kind of messy right now. It's not my favorite. That conversation doesn't happen, but if it did, we'd get the encouragement we needed.

CJ Wehrkamp 16:08

Absolutely, and when you surround yourself by people that want to see the best in you, they want to like be like encouraging you that you know what it's messy right now, yeah, but you're keeping your head up, you're keeping on going, and that is what's needed, and so that's why it's really good to talk about that stuff when you're in the middle of it.

Jason Van Ruler 16:25

Yeah, definitely.

CJ Wehrkamp 16:30

And I feel like, for you, probably more than most, you get to talk about the messy middle, because people come to you to talk about that right, and so you're able to help see all the mess that people go through, and then you're also able to see where they come out on the other side. You know, one thing I'd love to talk about, jason, is you talk about relationships and how. It's always, since you were young, something that led you in a positive direction that you really wanted to focus more on. When did you decide that you wanted to go into the field that you're in now?

Jason Van Ruler 17:03

Wow. Well, I decided I want to be a therapist when I was eight. For real.

Jason Van Ruler 17:07

For real. I have a journal because I journaled at eight, which should have been my first clue I'm probably going to be a therapist, but I literally journaled. I want to be a therapist, I want to help people. I journaled about what I want my office to look like. I want to write a book Like I. I really did it and I always joke with people. It's cause I dress like a therapist already, so I was already in the field and I was an overthinker.

Journey to Mental Health Therapist

Jason Van Ruler 17:28

So I was like, if I could get paid to do what I do, naturally this is, oh, this is gonna be such a good fit, but I think I always want to do that. I had a business for a while and so I pursued a different path, but I just felt called, and I think it was really when I just surrendered to the life I was called to that it led me back to therapy. Therapy has been really impactful in my own life and so you know, a thing is, when you work through a hard thing, you want to help other people work through it. Yeah, there's something really redeeming about you. Know I I'm a guy. I've I've gained a lot of weight. I've lost a lot of weight.

Jason Van Ruler 17:59

I love to see people lose weight, you probably do too Right Cause I know what it feels like, yeah, and so I think therapy was like that for me where I go. Oh, it could be easier, and let me help.

CJ Wehrkamp 18:09

Yeah, absolutely. So you kind of like felt that calling when you were eight. Yeah, you said you led on to having a different business. It sounds like, yeah, can I ask what was that business?

Jason Van Ruler 18:20

Yeah, yeah, I was in recruiting, so I was connecting people with jobs, so it was still relational it was just a little bit different.

Jason Van Ruler 18:27

So I love that and that was great. But for me I just thought, like I'm a big origin guy. So I go what is the origin of this and how do I get to the heart of the matter? And so recruiting was great, but it wasn't really the heart of the matter, sure, and so I think I became kind of a therapeutic recruiter where I go well, tell me about why you want the new job, and we'd have these really deep conversations and I just felt like that's actually what I want. Yeah, I don't care about the job part so much, I just want to help you get better.

Jason Van Ruler 18:54

And so that led me back to it.

CJ Wehrkamp 18:56

Yeah, that's awesome. So when did you go into business for yourself?

Jason Van Ruler 19:02

Yeah, so that was in my twenties. And then I got married. And shortly after getting married I went to my wife and I just said, hey, wouldn't it be so cool if I became a therapist? And I made like half of what I make now. And I remember she's loved me so much and she's like, oh yeah, that sounds really cool. And I was like, but what if I spend a lot of money on college tuition first? And she's like, this is you're really selling me on this? And so at that time it just seemed like a big dream. But I went to school, I finished my bachelor's, I got my master's, I got another master's. Like I just kept taking the next step. Yeah, and here I am today. Yeah, but I can't say I knew I'd be here today. Yeah Right, I might have visualized being a therapist and fitness journey, because to me, what that sounds like is like you want to lose a hundred pounds.

CJ Wehrkamp 20:00

You don't know that you'll actually be there, but you visualized it. So you visualized that you wanted to be a mental health therapist or a therapist, and then you just kept taking the next step. So how do you, how could we help somebody watching or listening that wants to make a big change in their health or fitness? How can we help them understand that that big goal needs to happen? But that can't be the only thing we fixate on. What would be your advice on that?

Jason Van Ruler 20:24

That's a really good question, cause I think, especially around weight loss, we get so focused on a number, right, it's I want to lose X amount of pounds and I'm unhappy until I get there. And I think for a lot of us, maybe you lose 110, maybe you lose 90, maybe you know, I don't know what is success, right? So I think it's good to have the larger goal, but then just to say, like, life is actually the process. Yeah, the goal is great, life is the process. And so if you're looking to do something big, the challenge is you don't know what you don't know. Yep, so I have encountered problems and obstacles to get here today. I never could have expected, yeah, I just not like I could not have planned on having them, but I just had them and I worked through them. Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 21:03

So I think what I tell a lot of people whether it's fitness or whatever it is, you just take the next right step. Yeah, if fitness or whatever it is, you just take the next right step. And if you don't know what it is, ask. And you ask somebody who's likely to know, right? So if I were, you know, wanting to lose a hundred pounds and I didn't know what to do. I'd call you and I'd say, hey, what's the next step I should take? And then I do it. And so I tell a lot of people I'm actually a pretty simple guy. I feel like, how'd you do all this thing? And I had people to tell me what to do along the way. Yeah, yeah, and that's, that's really it. It's that simple if you want it to be.

CJ Wehrkamp 21:33

Yeah, just keep on taking one step, asking for help. You know, when I think about kind of where I'm at with Fit Body and and where we've been able to to grow to, I think that I've been able to get there because I just ask for help, like I don't know, I don't know what to do, and I'm okay with that, but I'm going to find someone that'll help me and I'll just ask, and I almost think that my uh, unknowledge, if that's a word it is now.

Jason Van Ruler 22:00

Okay, it is now market my unknowledge.

CJ Wehrkamp 22:03

So me not knowing what to do, has actually been a superpower to me. It's like I don't know what to do, so I'm going to ask anybody, and when that person tells me something, does it feel right, I'll try it. And if it doesn't work, I don't mean stop, I go find someone else like, hey, what would you do? And. And we just keep on asking that question. So I love that and I think that, like you said, you wanted to be where you're at today. Wanted to be where you're at today years ago. If it happened, sweet, awesome. If it didn't happen, hey, life is the process and I can enjoy the journey. Can you help speak to, though?

Jason Van Ruler 22:47

how can we enjoy the journey when the journey isn't?

CJ Wehrkamp 22:48

enjoyable. Why isn't enjoyable? What is what is not enjoyable about it? We're hitting walls, we're getting setbacks, we feel that we're trying what people are telling us and it isn't clicking. I'm not happy with eating the food that my coach is telling me to eat. It just feels like we're hitting all these roadblocks because people get into slums, right yeah. So how do we help them enjoy that when, in their mind, it's not enjoyable?

Jason Van Ruler 23:16

Yeah, I think you have to redefine that. So I think we tell ourselves what to think about what we're doing and so if you go, I'm going to hate this you probably will.

Jason Van Ruler 23:25

I'm going to be miserable. Okay, you probably will. I think the other thing that's really been a life changer for me is I see new things, especially hard things, as just data. Yeah, so I go, I'm just collecting data, I'm going to try this thing. I have no idea if it's going to work, probably it's not going to be my favorite, but it's data to see if it worked or not. Yeah, so I'm going to go do this thing, I'm going to eat this thing and I'm going to see what happens. Yeah. And so what I tell myself is, instead of I have to do this to get a specific outcome, I say what I'm actually doing is research. Yeah, so it's just research to see what works, trying and some things will work and some things won't work, but it's all just good data. No-transcript. I only, I can only be happy, yep, and if something doesn't make me happy, I can't do it. Yeah, all right. Well, that's not going to last long, right.

Jason Van Ruler 24:26

We're soon going to be really uncomfortable and unhappy, and so what I'll say to people is there are places where your emotions should drive right. There are places where you should say, like how I feel about something matters the most Yep, then there are places where how you feel about things shouldn't matter the most, okay. Okay, how I feel about eating ice cream is I love it, totally want to do it.

CJ Wehrkamp 24:47

Yeah, I love that too.

Jason Van Ruler 24:48

But if I want to lose weight, how I feel doesn't matter, right, okay, cause what matters more is it's not going to help me do that, yeah, yeah. And so what happens is sometimes we have to say it's okay to have a feeling I don't act on, yeah, right, sometimes, how I feel doesn't matter. If you think about, like, when you go to the doctor and you're going to have surgery, do you care how your surgeon feels?

CJ Wehrkamp 25:08

Nope, no, nobody's going like hey how are you doing?

Jason Van Ruler 25:10

I want to talk about your feelings. Right, you just go. Hey, can you do your job or not? Right, right. And so some things in our life are just can you do your job or not? Yeah, if this is the plan and I need to run or I need to lift, can you do it? Yeah. And the feeling part. I mean, it's not that your feelings don't matter, but they don't need to guide us here, absolutely.

CJ Wehrkamp 25:28

Where did that come from? Where did the fact that we allow our feelings to dictate our level of happiness, like, where do you think that comes from? Because I do think that it is way more apparent in everybody's life than we even realize, because I do it in my own life. If I'm going through a difficult period with my wife, man, now we're just arguing and we're not happy and it's like well, why, we just have difference of opinions.

CJ Wehrkamp 25:54

It doesn't mean that we need to argue, it doesn't mean we need to not be happy. So where is this logic coming from? Where we think we need to let our feelings dictate our level of happiness?

Jason Van Ruler 26:06

Yeah, I mean, I think it comes from being comfortable. You know a lot of us in these generations now we've had it, so that we have some sense of comfort and stability. Yeah, and so when you have some sense of comfort and stability and I know story's different for everybody Some people would say, well, I have it, jason, but just generally speaking, when you have that, you can start to think about feelings. Yeah, right, if you think about, like in the world wars, no one was asking how you felt, yeah, they're just trying to get by, right, Nobody was like hey, do you feel good about this, or how do you feel Didn't matter, right?

Jason Van Ruler 26:35

So we get to this place now, where we go, hey, our feelings matter, and we did the thing we always do, which is we go a little too far and we say, now our feelings are everything. Yeah, and the problem with that? Is what we recognize is like the opposite of one extreme is another, and so now we find ourself in a place where we go man, if I just only make decisions based off my feelings.

CJ Wehrkamp 26:59

I'm unhappy with that too, and so really the gold is learning how to discern when to switch. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's understanding how to navigate that, because it's not always bad, no, but it's not always good.

Jason Van Ruler 27:07

And and can you, can you feel uncomfortable and do it anyway? Yeah, so that's always the question I'm asking myself. So I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this, I don't like it, I'm uncomfortable. And the question is am I allowed to feel uncomfortable and do it anyway, because I know it's right?

CJ Wehrkamp 27:20

Yeah, and who allows you? Right, you said am I allowed to? Who's that person? That's me, that's you, yeah, that's me. It's so important to understand that. Um, you know, I, I, I feel that feelings are huge. Um, how does a person start to accept who they are? Because the world we live in, social media oh my goodness, man, like everything, is you need to be this way or that way, or dress this way or dress that way. So how can a person become confident in who they are to then be able to truly achieve their goals? Because I feel like one thing and it isn't talked about a ton, but I feel like we're so many of us are trying to achieve somebody else's success. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah. How do we learn that we need to define our own success and that that's what needs to be what we're after? Yeah, how can we learn?

Building Confidence Through Change and Friendships

Jason Van Ruler 28:18

Yeah, well, it's the difference between looking at it as a, as a map, or a blueprint, right? A blueprint tells us exactly what to do to build something. A lot of people find somebody else's blueprint and they try to build what they built. We're looking just for a map. We're just saying how do I get to that general area and I'll figure out what that looks like.

Jason Van Ruler 28:33

So I think for a lot of people, confidence is just keeping your word to yourself. The easiest way to build confidence is to just keep your word with yourself. If you say you're going to do it, do it, stick to it or don't say it. And as we do that, we get confident who we are. I think the other thing is just recognizing.

Jason Van Ruler 28:50

One of the beautiful things about who we are is we're not for everybody, and so trying to be everybody is always going to fail because we're unique, yep. And so you just say who am I really and what do I actually want to do? That fits me, yeah, because there's nothing worse than building somebody else's goal and even getting it and then being lonely. Yeah, I talked to so many people who go. I did all the things somebody told me to do and now I've got everything and I hate it because it's not me, yeah. And so you have to recognize, like, even if you pull it off, which is unlikely probably you're not going to love it because it's not you. It's not you, yeah. And so it's okay to want it to be different, but to use other people's ideas to help you get there but get in the general area.

CJ Wehrkamp 29:31

Yeah, absolutely, I love that. I absolutely love that and I mean I feel like we could keep talking, you know? I mean how long we've been talking for I don't know 25, 30 minutes, or so. I'd love to be able to talk to someone with you, someone listening. All right, I've decided I want to make a change. I've decided I'm going to take the next steps. Now, what, what, what do I do? Like I've decided I want to make a change. I've decided I'm going to take the next steps. Now, what, what do I do? Like you said, are you going to accept the circumstances or are you going to make a change? That's kind of when you said, like that's where that feeling comes from and that's where you then decide it's time to do something. Let's help them lay out a blueprint that can be adapted to them. So, really, like you said, a blueprint or a map. It is a map, but it's going to be a blueprint that you can then tailor to yourself. So let's talk through that. You've decided you're ready to change. Now, what, what?

Jason Van Ruler 30:23

does the person do? Now? The first step should be stupid, easy to do. It should be so easy. You're like, of course, right. So if you let's say, you want to lose weight, you want to get in, do, okay, it should be so easy. You're like, of course, right.

Jason Van Ruler 30:33

So if you let's say, you want to lose weight, you want to get in shape, okay, how easy is it to submit a form online? Yeah, well, I don't know, I'll take about 20 seconds. Okay, can you do that? That's your one task today. Yeah, and you go. Yeah, I can do that. Okay, well, great, you did it. Yep, that's it. Can you do the smallest thing? So what I'm always challenging people to do that want to change is to make the easiest smallest change over and over again, so we get more confidence. Yeah, right, because what a lot of people do is they aim too high or too far out and then they miss it right off the bat. Sure, confidence is just blown up. Yeah, and so I'd say what's just the next very, very easy thing you can do, which is an easy yes? Yeah. If it's not an easy yes, don't start there. Sure, because the easy yes will lead to the harder yes, which will lead to the difficult yes, and then that'll lead to change.

CJ Wehrkamp 31:18

Okay, yeah, okay, I love that. So we're, we're building the confidence by just doing the easiest thing, and I love that because you're right, so many people are like they need to change everything. So let's start with the small change. What about the you've decided you're going to change? And we've already talked about it and people know you are like who you surround yourself with, so it's like oh man, let's just obviously health and fitness podcast. Yeah, I own the gyms. Let's talk about that. Let's keep that as our, as our North star. Yeah, all right, I want to make a change. None of them do. What do I do? What do I do there? How do I make that change? Change all your friends, obviously.

CJ Wehrkamp 31:58

Right now, today. Is that too much to ask? Group text.

Jason Van Ruler 32:03

We're done. No, I mean, I think it's. Who can I surround myself with? That's going to make it easy for me to do this, and if it's not my present friend group, that's fine. Maybe that'll change down the road. But where do I go to find the people who will? Yeah, and so you would go to a fitness gym or to a community of people who are like-minded and you just say I've kind of got this big goal dream and you want to find people who go. That's awesome, I want to help you with that, let's go. If you're saying that and the people around you are like that's stupid, don't do it. Yeah, probably not your. And it's okay to have more than one friend? Yeah, right. So it's okay to have some friends who go. I don't really get it and then have a lot of other friends who go. I love this about you, like we can live in both places. Yeah, I've got some good friends who run ultra marathons and I mean I would like to do it, but I don't really get it. Yeah, Right.

Jason Van Ruler 32:52

I was like that's go, they're really helpful. So I think it's just sort of find the people who make it easy for you to be that person. Yeah, yeah, cause any resistance when we want to make change is going to slow us down.

CJ Wehrkamp 33:02

Yeah, can you help dive into? I've heard this statement and I've I've been able to do it well, uh, I think. But how can you edit or eliminate relationships and do you have any good advice on that? Because, let's say, the friend group that you have, like that's all you've had and that's like what you really feel, like is where you're your most self at, but you know that's not the group that's going to get you to where you want to go. And maybe some of those people are friends, that maybe they're family, maybe maybe you live with them or you see them often. So what advice do you have with that? You're talking about changing your friend group and you can have both, but what are some good advice you have on how you could edit and or eliminate relationships to move you closer to the direction that you want to go?

Jason Van Ruler 33:46

Yeah, it's just basically will they tolerate you being different? Okay, Right. So if I say suddenly I'm really interested in fitness and I want to lose weight and get healthy, and my friend group goes okay that's cool for you.

CJ Wehrkamp 33:56

We don't we?

Jason Van Ruler 33:56

don't really care, but that's great for you. Yep, fine, that works. If they say we hate that about you and you're not allowed, yep, yeah, that's difficult, right? I think at that point it just becomes a question of is this what our relationship's about? Yeah, right, is my getting healthy a threat to you? And if it is, what do we do with that? I think, a lot of times, though, people will tolerate it. You know they might say, oh, are you going to talk about the thing again? Oh, you can talk about whey protein today. Yeah, I guess. But. But I think, really, it's just looking to the people in our life and saying can they tolerate me being different? Can they respect that it's important to me, and can I have boundaries? And then, if the answer to that is no, then my question is so these are your friends, right?

CJ Wehrkamp 34:35

Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 34:35

Yeah, okay, these are your friends. It doesn't sound like it.

CJ Wehrkamp 34:38

So what do we do with that? Yeah, absolutely so. You're editing, you're eliminating the relationships and, more likely than not, you're keeping them. You're keeping them, you're just. They're not the ones that are going to be your go-to when you have the questions about that goal Correct Right, that goal Correct Right. And so maybe you're not able to go out with them as often, Okay, so now, how about this, though? Let's talk about that person that has made a change and now, all of a sudden, they have found a new group that's accepting of them, that helps them, that does motivate and push them, but now they're actually getting like a lot of kind of grief from the other group because they feel like, now what, we're not good enough for you. How do you navigate that?

Jason Van Ruler 35:20

Yeah, so good, good question, very good question. My answer to that is always invite people along. Okay. So I would just say, cj, I've gotten a lot healthier, and that is probably weird for you if that's not important to you, but why don't you come to the gym with me, sure? So what I do is I just always say like I want you along for the ride, do you not want to go? Yeah, and then I let that person decide.

CJ Wehrkamp 35:42

So they go.

Jason Van Ruler 35:42

Yeah, you've really changed and I don't want to go with you to the new place, so I quit. Well, that's your decision, not mine, but I'm inviting you there, yeah, and so I think that really helps us identify, kind of, who our friends are. Is we just say, yeah, I want to spend time with you too? It just looks like this now, and I mean, you've got good friends, real friends. Most of them would come with right, they might say this is kind of weird, I don't really get it, but I really love them. So I'm going to go, I'll try it out or I'll see, or so I think it's just kind of discerning, like are you willing to come along, like, are you willing to help them too?

Empowerment Through Self-Belief

CJ Wehrkamp 36:22

Yeah, I love that. So, yeah, taking them along, okay. So we've kind of navigated that a little bit. So now we've made the decision, we're taking the easy yeses. We've talked a little bit about how we can navigate the friend groups. What do we do to? Then you said, celebrate the small wins. What does that look like? How do you celebrate small wins to make sure that you keep on doing it? Like, what are some of your best practices for ways to celebrate that are very practical, that anybody can do?

Jason Van Ruler 36:48

Yeah, I think it's different for everybody and it's different depending on the thing you're doing. Right? If you go, I'm trying to lose a lot of weight and I want to celebrate with an ice cream cake. Yes, okay, maybe it's a little counter to our goal.

Jason Van Ruler 37:01

So I think it's what? What way can I celebrate? That actually empowers me to feel better about myself. Yeah, and some of it sometimes is just telling somebody who cares and and asking them for affirmation. Yeah, Just saying like, hey, I hit a weight loss goal and this is really important. I want to tell you about it. Yeah, and you go cool. I see that you guys do a really cool thing where you celebrate the sessions.

Jason Van Ruler 37:23

I always love that you celebrate sessions or sometimes I think weight loss or things like that, but find people who go hey, I see you, yeah. Yeah, I mean I think celebration, you can do all the party favors and all. It doesn't have to be that complicated. A lot of times it's just do you see me trying? And then how do people see that? And then I think for you, what matters, what matters to you, to celebrate this.

CJ Wehrkamp 37:47

Yeah, absolutely Okay. And again, it goes back to different for you than it is for me, and it doesn't have to be the same, but so many times we do think like, oh well, they're celebrating this way. Well, I am not financially able to do that or I'm not in a position to do that my favorite celebration is a private jet to Mexico, yeah, so okay.

Jason Van Ruler 38:07

Well, I don't get to celebrate very often right, it's like every decade maybe. But you know. So it's kind of like is it accessible?

CJ Wehrkamp 38:12

Right yeah accessible.

Jason Van Ruler 38:13

Yeah, is it for me.

CJ Wehrkamp 38:14

You know how does that work.

CJ Wehrkamp 38:15

Yeah, I love that. I think that that's great, just great advice. You know, I really do feel that you've given some awesome, practical, you know tips to helping people understand that they're on their own journey. They don't have to let their feelings dictate what they do. You know what else. What else would you say is, as we've been talking, is there any other area that's popped up in your mind of like you know? I just really want someone to know this. Is there anything popped up in your mind right now?

Jason Van Ruler 38:41

Yeah, I mean, I think the thing we don't talk about a lot is just you have permission to reach your potential, and some people never hear that. They just they're held down or they've got these limiting beliefs, and so what I just say is like, if you're hearing this and you go well, I don't know if that's me you have permission. Yeah, yeah, it's a weird job that I have, but I spend a lot of time just giving people permission to be better.

CJ Wehrkamp 39:03

They come in and they go like.

Jason Van Ruler 39:04

I don't know. I've had these experiences, I don't know if I deserve it and I just go. I think you do.

CJ Wehrkamp 39:18

Yeah thing. I love that, you know. That actually leads me to one more thing I want to touch on, and we were talking about it before we hit the record button, which is, honestly, when most of the magic happens. But we were talking about you. You said that these kind of self-limiting beliefs happen so much when we're a child and you just happen to use we were just talking and you just happen to use the one like what if somebody says you're a fat kid and next thing you know that narrative is playing in your head? Well, now you actually end up growing up and you start acting like that. So how how can we identify self-limiting, self-limiting beliefs? So, number one, let's start there. How can we identify self-limiting beliefs? So, number one, let's start there. How can we identify self-limiting beliefs? And then how can we overcome them?

Jason Van Ruler 40:02

Yeah, yeah. So the question is is what I'm telling myself helpful, okay? And if the answer is no, then we got to look at it a little bit. So it's kind of like, well, I'm the fat kid, okay, is that helpful to me? Not really, right, that's not helpful, okay. So then my question to people usually is where did that come from? If you always go, what are you talking about? I'm like, well, who told you that? First, was that a thing you decided? Was it something somebody said to you? Was it an experience you had? But kind of go back to the origin and then, is it true, yeah, right. And a lot of times what happens is there was maybe some truth in the moment and maybe not. But is there was maybe some truth in the moment and maybe not?

Jason Van Ruler 40:39

but sometimes we just take away from that experience that we are that person, because what kids do is everything's about them. If you have kids and there's a problem, they assume it's to do with them. One of my favorite things to say like, hey, there's this issue and all my kids are like, well, I didn't do it. Why did they say that? Because they just imagine if there's an issue, they must be responsible.

CJ Wehrkamp 40:56

Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 40:56

So what we do as kids is, when we hear a problem, we just believe it must be us.

CJ Wehrkamp 41:01

Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 41:01

And so if the problem is, you know, I'm the fat kid, we go well, I'm the fat kid, right? We don't think, well, maybe that person's just mean, or maybe that person's got a problem with their own weight, or we don't ask those questions, we just assume it's us Sure, and so it's really helpful to just say, like is it helpful, is it true, whose voice is that, and do I want it to be the same going forward? Yeah, so if I don't like this about myself, what is a more helpful thing to say, right? Well, it's, maybe I've struggled my way in the past, but I don't have to. Maybe that's the more helpful thing thing.

CJ Wehrkamp 41:39

Or I'm changing that, or we have to just look at like what we tell ourself becomes true because we make it true. So do you have any awesome ninja therapist tricks that help a person redefine their self-belief? What? What helps a person? Okay? Okay, cool, I've now recognized that what I'm telling myself isn't helping me. I've now recognized that I should probably change that narrative, but I'm just struggling. I still. I tell myself you know, yeah, I don't need to be the fat kid. I've always felt like I was and I've allowed that to be a belief of mine. I heard Jason say I don't need that to be, but I'm just struggling to believe that I'm anything else.

Jason Van Ruler 42:14

Yeah, what's a ninja therapist trick? Oh, I don't know if it's ninja, but I'll tell you this what evidence do you have to prove that wrong? Okay, so sometimes the challenge we have is it's hard to change a limiting belief if we're not doing anything to change it. Okay, so, if you go, I've always felt like I'm out of shape and I go okay, well, when's the last time you worked out? You're like well, I don't work out. Okay, I might be kind of accurate then. So part of it is we need to counter that belief with fact, and that's the easiest way to fix it. Yeah, is you go? Well, I'm not that person, because here's five things that I'm doing to try to work through it.

Jason Van Ruler 42:51

The other thing is a friend of mine, john Acuff, wrote a book called Soundtracks and it talks a lot about this. So reading that book could really help you. But I think it's just recognizing like you have the ability to set what's true about yourself as an adult. You didn't as a kid, you just had to believe it. But as an adult, you get to choose. You're the architect, and so you get to choose that. And what do you choose it to be? And I think too, if you're a faith person, you might say what is God telling you about this, you know, is that a message from God that I'm this bad thing? Probably not right. So then that's probably not helpful to me.

CJ Wehrkamp 43:24

Yeah, I love that, you know. Just tying it back to what does God say this? It was a while back and I was standing over and we kind of showed you the little conference area that I have in this building. But I was standing over there and I had this thought of man, you know, I actually didn't choose to be born. My parents wanted to have a baby and they ended up having me.

The Power of Showing Up

CJ Wehrkamp 43:50

And obviously, if you have faith and if you're a believer in Christ, you know that God is our heavenly father. And so then I had this thought of, like man, my kids also did not choose to be born. I wanted to have children and my wife and I we had these kids and me as their father. Like I want the best for them, like I want the absolute best for my children. So then I almost had this like overwhelming feeling of like, wow, if I'm a father and I want that for my kids, how much amazing greatness does God, my heavenly father, want for me? Right, and I'm like whoa, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to go try to. Like, what else can I do? Yeah, like what? What he's made me so unique? And Holy smokes, I am absolutely unique and that's okay. Yeah, kind of weird I don't think you're that weird.

Jason Van Ruler 44:43

I mean, you're a little weird, but not that weird, but I mean I think it's. I think it's just that, uh, your love, no matter what, yeah, and and some of us miss that we have childhoods or experiences that definitely don't communicate that, but it's still true.

Jason Van Ruler 44:56

We're always loved, no matter what, and so if we know that, what can we do? It's kind of that classic coaching question of like, if you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do? And people go well, but it's still kind of true you can't fail if you just show up as yourself. Failure really occurs when we pretend to be somebody else and we don't nail it because we're not going to being yourself, living your own life like there's no real failure there.

CJ Wehrkamp 45:19

You'll just end where you end.

Jason Van Ruler 45:20

Yeah Right, this life of mine has been better than I could have planned it, and I'm really happy with that. Yeah, I'm sure there'll be hard seasons and there have been but at the same time, it's just great, Jason.

CJ Wehrkamp 45:38

I just appreciate you taking the time. It's been just absolutely fun getting to know you. It's been a couple of years now, you know. Originally, I think and correct me if I'm wrong, but originally I think you somehow stumbled upon FitBody and you, you, you came in as a client and then we started like attending a couple of the same sessions. So we were kind of like working out together and it started off as like a lobby conversation at the gym. We just had a lobby conversation and next thing, you know, that led to us grabbing lunch and then led to us kind of staying connected through the socials and the next thing, you know, here we are.

CJ Wehrkamp 46:09

And so it's just crazy to me that you never know where your next relationship is going to come from.

CJ Wehrkamp 46:15

You never know when you're going to get connected with that next person. That's truly going to help you and honestly, man, I don't know that I've ever told you this, but your quick little relational advices that you put on the IG, on Instagram, they've helped me through some difficult times, even with my own relationships, like with my wife or with my friend, my family, and so you know, in case you need to hear this, which maybe you do, maybe you don't, but keep doing what you're doing because your work is helping so many people. I think it's an honor to be able to say hey, not only do I know Jason, I get to call Jason a friend and I just look forward to connecting more. And, man, I tell you what I'd love to. What I'm going to do is I'm going to go ahead and get some copies of your book, because I'd love to be able to give some of those away, but I'd also love for our viewers to find your book. So I'll drop a link.

Jason Van Ruler 47:14

But where can people find your book yeah, anywhere books are sold, so it's yeah, it's available most every place. Really, yeah, but just to comment on what you said, it does mean a lot, um and, and I think, uh, when I joined your gym, I didn't know what to expect. Yeah, uh, I know what I'd experienced, but I didn't know what to expect and it was a game changer for me and it was a game changer for me.

Jason Van Ruler 47:35

Yeah, but a lot of that has to do with the community that you have and the culture you have, and so you should just know that forever. How much I'm doing to change the world, you're doing it too. Appreciate that, and I think that's what connects us well is we both have a heart for helping people be better. Yeah, and I just saw that from you early on, and so I think if people are listening to this, they're like not familiar with you. They should be.

Jason Van Ruler 47:55

Yeah, because you've been a game changer in my life, um, and in the same way, maybe the reels help you. Um, sometimes, when you're screaming at me to do pushups, that was the thing I needed. I'm serious, yeah, uh, but I left those and I go someone cares, and they're pushing, yep, and sometimes that's what we need, yeah, so, so I think to your point. It's like we don't know where we find that, but the common theme for both of us is we just showed up. Yeah, I didn't know what to expect. You didn't know, we didn't know we'd sit here today, but we just showed up.

CJ Wehrkamp 48:23

Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 48:24

And I think that's the start.

CJ Wehrkamp 48:25

Yeah, and I think that's the biggest thing too and we talked about that, you touched on that earlier is like I could have never known that when you walked through the doors of Fit Body, that we would have gotten connected.

CJ Wehrkamp 48:36

Many clients walk through the door and some relationships happen, and sometimes I never meet them, right. But we got connected and then life has brought us together in some different circumstances, and that is the theme. We showed up. Yeah, you just showed up. We showed up and we're enjoying every day that we've been given, yep, and doing the best we can, not even knowing exactly what that is to do. But I'm going to show up today and so if you're watching, listening, I don't know what you're going through, I don't know anything that's going on in your life, but I do know that you have the ability today to show up and do the best you can.

Jason Van Ruler 49:15

That's all we've given. That's all you got, and I think if you know someone that knows what they're doing and they tell you what to do, just do it. Yep yeah, it's not that complicated, just do it and see what happens.

CJ Wehrkamp 49:25

Yeah, let the guard down a little bit. Yeah, let the guard down.

Jason Van Ruler 49:27

Try it out. Yeah, people like that person.

CJ Wehrkamp 49:29

Yeah.

Jason Van Ruler 49:30

Yeah, we're all bad actors. Everyone's like hey, I'm not perfect. They're always like I know, I know I've known you Right, and so we have to recognize like we're not good actors anyway. So just let people love you. Yeah, People see you.

CJ Wehrkamp 49:40

Yeah, and show up the way you can and love the way that you can love, because, however you might show up for that person might be the way that they need you to show up, and you didn't even know it. Totally, I love that. Well, hey, this has been awesome. Um, I appreciate it. I do want to drop the link down below for your book and then I'd love I'm going to I want to grab five copies of your book, cause I want to be able to do some fun giveaways at the gym forum. And I just tell you what you guys do us a huge favor. Go ahead like, comment and share this episode, because that helps Jason and myself be able to just keep on doing what we're doing and get exposed to more people, just to help more people. And so thank you, guys for taking the time to spend with Jason and I and Jason have an amazing day and all of you watching, listening, viewing you guys have an amazing day as well.