EP 242 — The Biggest Dating Mistakes People Make Early On

Most dating mistakes don’t happen at the end — they happen right at the beginning. In this episode, we break down the most common ways people unknowingly set themselves up for the wrong relationship, why these patterns feel normal in the moment, and how to slow things down so you can choose better — not just feel better.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to And How Does That Make You Feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing the biggest dating mistakes people make early on. Because although dating can be confusing, the biggest mistake people make is seeing the same mistakes over and over again. Say, for example, you meet someone new, they're exciting, there's chemistry, there's potential, and before you even realize it, you're already emotionally invested, ignoring certain things, overthinking small details, and trying to make it work. And then later you look back and you think, why did I get into that? Why didn't I see it sooner? How did I end up here again? But the reality is this most dating mistakes don't happen at the end. They happen at the beginning when everything feels good. And that's exactly why they're so hard to spot and what we'll be exploring today. So, firstly, the real question you should be asking, are you choosing or reacting? Before you get into the mistakes, I want you to ask yourself something. When you're dating someone new, are you choosing them or are you just reacting to how they make you feel? Because most people think they're being intentional, but actually they're being pulled into attention, attraction, validation, and novelty. And those things feel powerful, but they don't always lead to the right decision. So keep this in mind as we go through this. Dating isn't just about connection, it's also about discernment. So what are the biggest dating mistakes that people make? Firstly, getting emotionally invested too quickly. This is one of the most common mistakes I see. You meet someone and within a short space of time, you're thinking about them constantly. You're imagining the future, you're prioritizing them, and you're attaching meaning to everything they do. And it feels exciting, but here's the problem. Your emotional investment is moving faster than your actual knowledge of them. You don't really know their patterns, their consistency, their values, and how they handle stress or conflict. But your brain is filling in the gaps. And once you're emotionally invested, you tend to stop seeing clearly. Secondly, confusing chemistry with compatibility. Chemistry, of course, feels powerful. It's fast, intense, exciting, and addictive. But chemistry is not the same as compatibility. Chemistry is how I feel with you right now. Compatibility is does this actually work long term? And the mistake people make is this they prioritize how it feels over how it functions. You can have strong chemistry with someone who is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, not aligned with your values. And that doesn't make it right, it just makes it intense. Third, ignoring early discomfort. This one is subtle but really important. Early on, you'll often notice small things. Like something feels slightly off, like you feel a bit unsure, that you question a behavior, and you feel a little bit anxious. And instead of listening to this feeling inside you, you override it. You tell yourself it's nothing, I'm overthinking, it's early days. But the truth is this, your intuition often speaks quietly at the start, not loudly. And if you ignore it early on, it's gonna get louder later down the line. Fourth, trying to be easygoing instead of honest. A lot of people do this. You don't want to come across as difficult. You don't want to scare them away, you don't want to create tension. So you downplay your needs, you avoid bringing things up, and you go along with things you're unsure about. And it looks like I'm just being chill, but underneath it, you're not showing up as your real self. And that's going to create a problem because now they're getting used to a version of you that isn't being fully honest. Fifth, overvaluing potential. This is one of the biggest traps that people get into. You see what they could become, what they might be capable of, the version of them in the future. And of course you're going to attach to that. But dating is not about potential, it's about reality. Who are they consistently right now? Because potential keeps people in situations that don't actually meet their needs. 6. Letting words override behavior. Early on, people say all the right things. I really like you, I want something serious, I've never felt like this before. And of course it feels reassuring. But what matters is this. Do their actions actually match their words? Because consistency is not what someone says once, it's what they do repeatedly. Seventh, rushing exclusivity without clarity. This happens a lot. You move quickly into seeing each other regularly, acting like a couple, emotional exclusivity, without actually discussing intentions, expectations, and alignment. And now you're in something that feels like a relationship without the clarity of one. Eighth, ignoring how you feel and focusing on how they feel. You start asking, do they like me? Where do I stand with them? What are they thinking? But you forget to ask, do I actually like them? Does this feel right for me? And this flips the dynamic. You move from choosing to being chosen. Ninth, trying to win them over. This is subtle. You feel like you need to prove your value, be more interesting, be more understanding, be more accommodating, and you start performing. But relationships are not meant to be earned through performance. They're meant to be built through alignment. If you have to convince someone to choose you, that's already a problem. And tenth, staying too long once you see the signs. This is the final mistake that people often make. You do see the signs, but you stay anyway. Because you're invested time, you've built connection, you don't want to start again, and you hope it will change. And this is where the real cost comes in. Because the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. So why do these mistakes keep on happening? Let's be honest, these mistakes don't happen because people are unaware. They happen because attention feels good, connection feels rare, and being chosen feels validating. So people prioritize comfort in the short term over clarity in the long term. So what can you do instead of this? Firstly, slow the pace down. You don't need to rush. Take time to observe their patterns, consistency, and behavior over a period of time. Clarity is going to come from time, not the intensity of time you spend with them. Secondly, pay attention to patterns, not moments. Anyone can be great sometimes. What matters is who are they consistently. Third, prioritize how it feels over time, not just in special moments. You should not be thinking about how do I feel when I'm with them, but how do I feel after? How do I feel over a period of time? Is it calm, secure, and clear? Or is it anxious, confused, and uncertain? The answer to that is going to be really important. Fourth, be honest early, even if it's uncomfortable. It's better to address something early than build something on avoidance. And fifth, and this is the important one, remember you're choosing to. You're not being chosen, you're deciding, does this actually work for me? So here's a bigger perspective on it all. Dating is not about finding someone who feels good in the moment. It's about finding someone who is consistent, is aligned, handle things well over a period of time, allows you to be yourself fully. And that requires patience, awareness, and honesty. So if you keep ending up in the wrong situations, it's not just bad luck. It tends to be patterns. And those patterns often start early. So slow things down, pay attention, ask better questions, and most importantly, be honest with yourself sooner. Because the earlier you can see clearly, the easier it is to choose differently. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you on the next one.