EP 273 — How to Communicate With Someone Who Is Autistic (Without Misunderstanding Each Other)

Ever feel like you’re talking but not fully understanding each other? This episode breaks down why communication differences happen in autism — from literal interpretation to processing time and directness. Learn how to reduce miscommunication, stop relying on hints, and communicate more clearly and effectively so both people feel heard, understood, and respected.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to And How Does That Make You Feel an Awaken podcast. I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're going to discuss how you can communicate with someone who is autistic without misunderstanding each other. Let's start with something a lot of people experience but don't always understand. I feel like we're talking but not fully understanding each other. Maybe you've noticed you say something and it's taken very literally. You expect a hint to be picked up and it isn't. You feel like your tone or intention gets missed, or even you feel like the other person is being blunt, distant, or hard to read. And over time that can turn into frustration, misunderstanding, feeling unheard, or even conflict. And if the person you're communicating with is autistic, there's a high chance that what you're both experiencing is not a lack of care. It's a difference in how communication is processed. So today we're going to discuss the murky middle of how we can communicate most effectively with someone with autism, and if you are autistic, how you can communicate with others most effectively too. So firstly, let's start with the core difference. It's implicit versus explicit communication. This is the foundation. Most communication falls into the following categories. Implicit communication. This is what most people tend to use. It relies on hints, tone, body language, and reading between the lines. And then there's the second form, which is explicit communication. This is far more direct. It relies on clear wording, literal meaning, and saying exactly what you mean. And the key difference is this. Most neurotypical communication is implicit, and most autistic communication is explicit. So what tends to happen is one person says, I'm a bit tired today. Meaning I don't want to go out, and the autistic person may hear they're tired and nothing more. And this is exactly where the misunderstandings start to happen. So why do these misunderstandings happen? Autistic brains tend to process language more literally and more precisely. And that tends to mean words matter more than tone, meaning is taken at face value, and assumptions are less automatic. But an important reframe might be this this is not a lack of intelligence or even awareness, it's a different processing style. So here are some common communication breakdowns. Firstly, you should know what I mean. This is one of the biggest problems. The neurotypical expectation is if I hint at something, they'll understand. Whereas the reality of someone who has autism is it's not said clearly, it's not going to register. So an example might be you say it would be nice if this was done, you mean please do this, and they're gonna hear a general comment. The result, nothing is gonna happen and likely frustration is going to build. The second thing is tone versus words. Neurotypical communication might often rely on tone carrying meaning. Whereas autistic processing, words carry far more weight than tone. So you might say fine, meaning I'm not fine, and they're gonna hear fine. This is not ignoring, it's just a literal interpretation of what you're saying. Third, directness being misinterpreted. Autistic communication is often clear, direct, and honest, which can be misinterpreted as rude, blunt, and cold. But the reality is it's clarity and it's not disrespect. Fourth, there's processing time. Autistic individuals may need more time to process and actually more time to respond to. But this can again be misread as disinterest or avoidance when actually they're just thinking about the appropriate answer. And beyond this, there's an emotional layer. So let's address a common myth. Autistic people don't care emotionally. This is completely wrong. What's actually true is emotions are often deeply felt, but expression may look different and processing may take that little bit longer. So you might see less visible reaction, a delayed response, or even a different expression, but underneath it all, there's often a lot happening. So what's actually going to help? Here are some practical tools that might be useful. Firstly, say what you mean clearly. This is the biggest one. Instead of it would be nice if you did this, say can you do this today. Instead of I'm fine, say I'm actually a bit upset about this. This might seem blunt and direct, but clarity is going to reduce confusion. Secondly, don't rely on hints. Hints create guesswork. So you need to be replacing these subtle signals and indirect comments with direct requests and clear statements. Because again, clarity is kinder than ambiguity. Third, be patient with processing. If someone pauses, let them pause. Don't rush. Silence doesn't necessarily mean disengagement, it often just means they're thinking about something more in depth. Fourth, ask instead of assuming. If something feels off, say, can I check what you meant by that? Or how are you feeling about this? Instead of assuming the intention. Fifth, respect direct communication. So if someone is direct, don't immediately interpret it as rudeness or insensitivity. Consider the fact that they might be being clear, not harsh. Sixth, be explicit about expectations, and this is a key one. Some examples might be instead of we should spend more time together, say can we plan something for Saturday? Because specific is actually actionable for that person. Seventh, use written communication when helpful. Sometimes writing is going to be super, super helpful. So it's going to help clarify thoughts, reduce pressure, and avoid misinterpretation. So that's what to do. Here's what not to do. So do your best to avoid sentences like you should just know this, everyone understands this, why you like this. Everyone's done it, it's easier said than done, but these phrases are really impactful because they create shame, confusion, and disconnection. And this might be the most important point. Remember, communication is two-way by nature. It's not about one person changing, it's about both people understanding differences, adjusting slightly, and hopefully meeting in the middle. Because good communication has to be shared and is going to be the most impactful thing in your relationships. So here's what most people don't realize. Miscommunication is absolutely not a failure, it's usually a misalignment or a mismatch. And when you are able to understand that more effectively, you're going to help stop blaming, judging, and personalizing, and you're going to start clarifying, understanding, and being able to adapt more effectively. So if you do take one thing from this episode, let it be this. Clear communication is not just helpful with autism, it's essential. So say what you mean, ask when ensure, give space to process and avoid assumptions. Because when communication becomes clearer, everything else is going to become way, way easier. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you on the next one.