EP 295 — Why Your Relationship Expectations Might Be Unhelpful

Could your expectations about relationships be making dating harder than it needs to be? In this episode, we explore the difference between healthy standards and unrealistic expectations, and how social media, influencers, past relationships, and childhood experiences can quietly shape what we believe love should look like. Learn why comparing real people to imagined partners creates disappointment, how modern dating has distorted compatibility, and which expectations actually help build healthy, lasting relationships. A thoughtful look at dating, compatibility, and the gap between fantasy and reality.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to And How Does That Make You Feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today we're discussing why your relationship expectations might be unhelpful. Let's start with a question that might make some people a little bit uncomfortable. What if the thing stopping you from finding a healthy relationship isn't necessarily your standards? What if it's your expectations? Now before anyone panics, let me be very clear. This is not an episode about lowering your standards. It's not saying you should settle, it's not saying you should tolerate poor treatment, and it's not saying you should ignore red flags or convince yourself to stay in relationships that are not right for you. That's not where we're going today. What I am saying is that sometimes people confuse healthy standards with unrealistic expectations. And those are very different things. Because standards are usually about values, things like respect, honesty, communication, emotional maturity, trustworthiness, and kindness. Expectations, however, are often stories we've built about what relationships are supposed to look like. And sometimes those stories come from social media, films, influences, previous relationships, childhood experiences, our own fears, or simply spending years imagining what the perfect relationship will be like. And here's the problem: the further our expectations move away from reality, the harder it will become to recognize healthy relationships when they're actually in front of us. Because one of the biggest shifts people make in healthy relationships is moving from what should this relationship give me to what does a realistic, healthy relationship actually look like. Now let's start with an important distinction. Because whenever people hear this conversation, they often assume someone is telling them to lower their standards. And honestly, I think that's one of the biggest misunderstandings in modern dating. You should absolutely have standards. You should want respect, honesty, communication, emotional safety, and accountability. In fact, I'd argue many people don't have enough standards around those things. But where people often struggle is not with standards, it's with the fantasy. And fantasy is sneaky because it rarely announces itself as a fantasy. It usually disguises itself as I'm just being selective. Now again, selectiveness isn't inherently bad. But sometimes what people are selecting for isn't actually related to long-term relationship success. For example, someone might have a detailed picture in their mind of their ideal partner. They must look a certain way, earn a certain amount of money, have a particular lifestyle, communicate perfectly, always know what to say, never make mistakes, never trigger insecurities, never create discomfort. And when you list all of that out loud, it becomes obvious how unrealistic it sounds. But in our heads, it often feels reasonable because we're comparing real people to imagined people. And imagined people always win. Now that's important because once we start comparing human beings to a fantasy, nobody is going to stand a chance. Now there's an exercise I sometimes do with clients that I think is incredibly revealing. I'll ask them, describe your ideal partner. And they go into detail. They'll talk about personality, appearance, values, lifestyle, ambition, interests, communication style. And honestly, some people create incredibly detailed descriptions. It's almost like they've designed a character. Now here's where it gets interesting. Once they've finished, I ask a second question. What kind of partner would that person be looking for? And suddenly the conversation changes. Because now we're forced to leave fantasy and enter reality. Let's imagine someone says, I want someone who is incredibly fit, disciplined, ambitious, emotionally intelligent, adventurous, socially confident, financially successful, and deeply self-aware. Okay, fair enough. Now let's ask, what type of person is that individual likely to be attracted to? And suddenly the conversation becomes more balanced. Because relationships are not simply about what we want, they're about compatibility. And compatibility requires overlap. Now this isn't about worth. It's not saying anybody is better than anybody else. It's simply recognizing that people tend to look for alignment. If somebody spends six days a week in the gym, fitness may be important to them. If someone is deeply career driven, ambition may matter. If somebody values intellectual conversations, they may want someone who enjoys those conversations too. And what this exercise often reveals is that some people's expectations are less about compatibility and more about aspiration. They're describing what they've been told they should want and not necessarily what's genuinely going to fit them. Now let's talk about where some of these expectations actually come from. Because social media has completely changed dating. For most of human history, people compared themselves to their village, their community, their social circle. Whereas today, people compare themselves to the entire internet. And that's a very different psychological experience. Every day we're exposed to influences, celebrity couples, relationship advice creators, luxury lifestyles, and curated content. And over time we start absorbing messages about what relationships should supposedly look like. And the problem is most of what you see online is not reality, it's a performance. You're seeing highlight reels, you're seeing edited moments, and you're seeing people monetizing opinions. And because those opinions get repeated enough, they begin to sound like facts. Suddenly everybody has non-negotiables, lifts, requirements, rules. And while some of those may be useful, some create impossible expectations. Because real relationships are messy. Real people get stressed, make mistakes, communicate imperfectly, have insecurities, have flaws, and if your expectation is perfection, you'll experience disappointment repeatedly. So this is one of the most damaging expectations I see. The belief that if someone really loves me, they'll automatically know what I need. Now I understand where this idea comes from. It sounds romantic, it sounds comforting, but it's also deeply unrealistic. Because healthy relationships are built on communication and not mind reading. Think about it for a second. How many arguments begin because somebody expected their partner to know what they are feeling, to know what they needed, to know what was wrong, without ever communicating it. And then resentment builds, not because the partner didn't care, because they weren't psychic. One of the healthiest shifts people can make is realizing my partner's job is not to read my mind, my job is to communicate my needs clearly. And honestly, that expectation alone improves many relationships dramatically. Now here's another big one. A lot of people expect relationships to feel exciting all the time. They expect constant attraction, constant passion, constant certainty. But real relationships move through seasons. Sometimes you'll feel deeply connected, excited, passionate. Other times you'll likely feel stressed, distracted, tired, emotionally flat. And that is completely normal. Because relationships exist inside real life, not outside of it. Now I'm not saying chemistry does not matter. It absolutely does. But expecting the emotional intensity of month one to remain unchanged for 30 years is unrealistic. Healthy relationships are not sustained by constant excitement. They're sustained by friendship, communication, trust, emotional safety, and mutual effort. And honestly, that's a much more stable foundation. So if some expectations are unhelpful, what should we be focusing on instead? Well, some expectations are incredibly healthy. So for example, expecting respect, honesty, accountability, consistency, communication, kindness are of course helpful. Expect someone to apologize when they're wrong, take responsibility, treat you with dignity, make effort. Those expectations are not unrealistic, they're foundational. But notice how different those are from perfection, mind reading, constant chemistry, never being triggered, and never feeling uncertainty. Healthy expectations are usually rooted in values, not fantasy. So if you do take one thing from this episode, let it be this. The healthiest relationships are not usually destroyed by low standards. They're often damaged by expectations that no real human could consistently meet. Because relationships are not built between two perfect people. They're built between two imperfect people trying to understand each other. So keep your standards, protect your values, know what matters to you. But every now and then ask yourself, am I evaluating real people or comparing them to an imagined version that doesn't actually exist? Because sometimes the relationship we're looking for isn't being blocked by a lack of options, sometimes it's being blocked by an expectation that reality was never designed to meet. As always, thank you so much for listening. If you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice, or even feel free to share it with a friend. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.