EP 307 — The Best Way to Find Love in the Modern Dating World

Finding love can feel more confusing and exhausting than ever before—but what if the problem isn’t that love has become harder to find, but that we’re looking for it in the wrong ways? In this episode, we explore how modern dating has changed the way we meet people, why building a fulfilling life is one of the most powerful ways to create opportunities for genuine connection, and how to increase your chances of finding a healthy relationship without becoming consumed by the search. Learn why consistency matters more than intensity, how to recognise real compatibility, and why the goal isn’t to make every date work—it’s to create enough opportunities for the right relationship to find you.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an Awakened podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and I want to start today's episode with a question. What if finding love isn't actually the hardest part anymore? What if finding the right environment to find love is? Because if you ask most people today how dating feels, you'll hear words like exhausting, confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, disappointing. People are burnt out by dating apps, they're tired of ghosting, they're fed up with situationships, they're questioning whether genuine relationships even exist anymore. And after enough disappointing experiences, it's easy to start believing that love has somehow become impossible. But I don't think that's necessarily true. I think people are still falling in love every single day. Healthy relationships are still being built every single day. The challenge isn't that love has disappeared, the challenge is that modern dating has made it so much harder to consistently put ourselves in situations where healthy relationships can actually grow. Because here's something I think we often forget. Love isn't something we usually find by looking harder. We find it by increasing the number of opportunities for genuine connection. So today I don't want to give you clever dating tricks or conversation hacks. I want to talk about how to build a life that naturally gives love more opportunities to find you. Because if I had one piece of advice for anyone who's genuinely looking for a relationship, it's this don't just focus on finding the right person, focus on becoming someone who regularly ends up in the right places. So, firstly, you need to stop treating dating as something separate from your life. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes people make. They believe that dating only happens when they're actively dating. They think I'm gonna go on a date tonight, I'm opening a dating app, I'm looking for someone. But relationships rarely begin with the relationship, they begin with opportunity. And opportunity comes from how you live your life. Think about it, every meaningful relationship starts because two people's lives crossed paths. Sometimes through work, sometimes through friends, sometimes through a hobby, sometimes through complete chance. The point is people have to meet first. Now, of course, dating apps can absolutely help with that. I've worked with plenty of couples who met online have had wonderful relationships. So this isn't an anti-dating app episode. But I do think it's unhealthy if dating apps become your only strategy. Because then your opportunities become limited to one environment. Instead, you need to ask yourself, how many different ways am I giving life the chance to introduce me to new people? Because the more environments you're involved in, the more opportunities naturally exist. The second thing to remember, build a life that other people want to be a part of. Now here's something that often gets misunderstood. People ask, how do I become more attractive? And they usually mean physically attractive. But attraction is much bigger than appearance. One of the most attractive qualities anyone can have is a life that feels full. Not perfect, but full. Think about someone who has hobbies, sees friends, enjoys their work, laughs often, has passions, and takes care of themselves. There's an energy about that person. Not because they're pretending to be confident, but because their life doesn't completely depend on finding a relationship. And that's important because relationships tend to work best when they're in addition to your life, not the whole of your life. If all your happiness is waiting on one person arriving, that's a huge amount of pressure for any future relationship to carry. Instead, build a life that feels meaningful now. Ironically, that often is what makes people more open, relaxed, and attractive. Third, increase your surface area for luck. This is one of my favorite ideas. People often think meeting someone is all about luck, and yes, luck does play a role. You can't predict when you'll meet someone special, but you can dramatically increase the chances. Think about it like this if you never leave the house, never join anything, never meet anyone new, the odds become very small. Now compare that to someone who regularly joins clubs, goes to fitness classes, attends events, volunteers, travels, accepts invitations, says yes to new experiences. Neither person can guarantee they'll meet someone, but one person has created far more opportunities. I sometimes call this increasing your surface area for luck. You can't control when luck arrives, but you can create more places for it to find you. Fourth, stop looking for perfection. I think modern dating has quietly convinced people that somewhere out there is a perfect partner. The perfect personality, the perfect appearance, the perfect relationship. And because of that, many people have become excellent at finding reasons someone is not right. Now don't underestimate me. Standards matter, compatibility matters, shared values matter, but perfection does not exist. Real people will sometimes misunderstand you, they'll annoy you, they'll have flaws, they'll make mistakes, just as you will. The question isn't are they perfect? The better question is can we build something healthy together? Because long-term relationships aren't built by perfect people. They're built by two imperfect people who are both willing to grow. Fifth, learn to recognize consistency over excitement. This is one of the biggest lessons I've learned. Many people chase intensity, the butterflies, the uncertainty, the excitement. And while those feelings can be wonderful, they're not the same as compatibility. Sometimes the healthiest relationships begin much more quietly. You simply notice they show up, they communicate, they keep their word, they make you feel calm, they don't spend all week analysing texts. Now, if you've been used to emotionally unavailable people, that calmness can feel unfamiliar to you. You may even mistake it for boredom. But healthy love often feels different from what film, social media, and dating culture tells us to expect. Sometimes the green flag isn't that someone makes your heart race, it's that they make your nervous system relax. Sixth, don't make finding love your only goal. Here's something I genuinely believe. The people who often struggle most with dating are those who feel like every interaction has to lead somewhere. Every conversation becomes an audition, every date feels like an interview, every rejection feels like catastrophe, and that is exhausting. Instead, what if your goal wasn't I have to find my future partner? What if your goal became I'm going to meet interesting people and see what naturally develops? Immediately the pressure changes. You're no longer trying to force an outcome, you're allowing connection to develop over time. Ironically, that's often when people come across as their most authentic selves. Seventh, remember that it only has to work once. Finally, I want to leave you with something that I think people forget when they've been dating for a long period of time. After enough disappointment, it's easy to think this is never going to happen for me. But remember this: you don't need everyone to choose you. You don't need every date to become a relationship, you don't need every conversation to go somewhere. It only has to work once. One conversation, one meeting, one person. Sometimes people become so discouraged by all the relationships that didn't work that they actually forget none of those relationships were actually the goal. The goal was always to find one person with whom you could build something meaningful. Everything else was simply part of the journey. So if you take one thing from today's episode, let it be this. Two ordinary people whose paths happen to cross. So don't lose hope if it hasn't happened yet. Keep living a life that's rich, connected, and authentic. Because while you can't control when love arrives, you can absolutely create more opportunities for it to find you. As always, thank you so much for listening. If you have found this podcast useful, feel free to rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.