EP 310 — Why Dating Apps Don’t Work for “Average” People

Why can dating apps make perfectly attractive, interesting, relationship-ready people feel invisible? In this episode, we explore why dating apps often reward immediate visual impact and strong profiles more than the qualities that actually create healthy long-term relationships. Learn how endless comparison, quick judgments, algorithms, and repeated rejection can quietly damage confidence, why many people are far more attractive in real life than they appear on an app, and why struggling to get matches is not an objective measure of your value. A grounded look at modern dating, online attraction, and why apps should be one way of meeting people—not the system you use to decide whether you’re desirable or lovable.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to and how does that make you feel an Awaken podcast? I'm Jack, therapist and founder of Awaken Online Therapy, and today I want to start with a statement that might sound controversial. I don't think dating apps work particularly well for the average person. Now before anyone gets angry, let me explain what I mean. I'm not saying nobody finds love on dating apps, of course they do. I've worked with couples who met online and have fantastic relationships. I'm also not saying you should delete every dating app on your phone. That's not the point of this episode. What I am saying is that I think dating apps are built around a system that naturally works better for some people than others. And if you're someone who would describe yourself as fairly average, average looking, average confidence, average social life, you've probably had moments where you've thought, why does this feel so unbelievably difficult? Maybe you've spent weeks swiping with very few matches, maybe conversations never go anywhere, maybe you've gone on dates that felt promising only to get ghosted afterwards. Or maybe you've reached the point where opening the app just makes you feel tired. If that's you, I want you to know something. It doesn't necessarily mean you're unattractive, it doesn't necessarily mean you're boring, and it certainly doesn't mean you're unlovable. I actually think a lot of the frustration people experience come from misunderstanding what dating apps are designed to do. So today I want to explore why dating apps can feel so difficult for ordinary people, what they're actually optimized for, and how you can stop letting an algorithm become a measure of your worth. Because I think that's one of the biggest mistakes people are making. So let's start with something obvious that we often forget. Dating apps don't introduce your personality first, they introduce your profile. And those two things are not the same. When someone sees your profile, they're making a decision in seconds. They're looking at your photos, your bio, maybe your height, maybe your job, maybe one or two prompts. And then they're deciding whether to swipe. Now ask yourself this. Can you genuinely know whether someone would make an amazing partner from a handful of photos? Of course not. You can't see kindness, emotional maturity, humor, loyalty, patience, and how they make people feel. Those are the qualities that sustain relationships, but they're also the qualities that apps struggle to show. So the people who naturally do well are often those who make the strongest first impression, not necessarily the strongest long-term partner. And those are two very different things. Now, here's something I think many people don't fully appreciate. Imagine walking into a room with 100 single people. You'd probably have a conversation, get to know someone, notice their personality, see how they interact with other people. Now compare that with a dating app. Instead of meeting one person at a time, you're effectively competing with hundreds or thousands of profiles that someone can stroll through in a single evening. That changes behavior. Because people stop asking, can I build something meaningful with this person? And they start asking, is there someone slightly more interesting one swipe away? That's not because people are bad, it's because the environment encourages comparison, and comparison makes commitment a lot harder. Now, to be fair, we all do it to some extent, but the structure of dating apps amplifies it in a way that simply doesn't happen when you meet someone naturally. Next is probably the biggest point I want to make today. Some people are brilliant on dating apps, they're photogenic, they know exactly how to market themselves, their personality comes across well in short messages. Others don't. And that doesn't make them less attractive, it just means their strengths are different. Think about someone who is warm, funny, easy to talk to, kind, charismatic once you get to know them. Those qualities often come alive in person. They're difficult to capture in six photos and a short bio. I've met so many people who are ten times more attractive after 20 minutes of conversation than they are in a dating profile. Unfortunately, dating apps rarely give people those 20 minutes. They ask you to make the decision first. And that's why many perfectly lovely people struggle online while doing much better meeting people through work, hobbies, friends, or everyday life. Now let's talk about something that worries me. I've worked with clients who have gradually started believing they're unattractive because of their dating app experience. They think I'm not getting matches so nobody wants me. But that's a huge leap. Not getting matches doesn't necessarily mean people wouldn't like you. It often means the algorithm didn't show your profile much, your photos weren't particularly strong, your target audience wasn't seeing you, and people made quick decisions based on limited information. Yet our brains naturally personalize this. We start treating app performance as though it's an objective measure of our value. Imagine if you're judged by your intelligence based on one exam, or your fitness based on one workout. You'd probably recognise how unfair that would be. Dating apps are no different. They're one environment, not the whole world. And one thing I've noticed over the years is that many healthy relationships don't begin with instant fireworks. They begin with familiarity, shared experiences, repeated conversations, seeing someone in different situations, watching how they treat other people. Trust grows gradually. Attraction often grows gradually too. The problem is that dating apps encourage immediate decisions. They're expected to decide whether someone is worth your attention almost instantly. But in real life, many people become more attractive the longer you know them. Think about someone you've worked with or studied with or met through friends. Sometimes your opinion of them changes completely over a few months. Dating apps don't naturally create that opportunity. And I think that's one reason they can miss people who would actually make wonderful partners. Now, after everything I've said, you might expect me to tell you to delete them. I'm not going to do that. I think dating apps are exactly what they should be. One way of meeting people, not the only way. The mistake is putting all your hope into one system. If dating apps are your entire dating strategy, you're relying on an environment that naturally favors quick judgments and first impressions. Instead, widen your opportunities. Join clubs, accept invitations, travel, try new hobbies, meet friends of friends, talk to people. The goal isn't to abandon dating apps, it's to stop expecting them to carry your entire dating life. Because the more environments you place yourself in, the more opportunities you create for someone to experience the real version of you. And I genuinely believe that's where many average people become exceptional. Not on a screen, but in real life. So if you take one thing from today's episode, let it be this. Dating apps don't always struggle because average people have less to offer, they struggle because they're designed to reward qualities that don't always predict great relationships. Your value cannot be measured by matches, likes, replies, or an algorithm. The qualities that make someone a wonderful long-term partner, their kindness, humor, consistency, empathy, and emotional maturity, are qualities that often reveal themselves over time. So if dating apps have left you feeling discouraged, don't let them become your definition of yourself. Use them if they work for you, put them down if they don't. But remember that some of the strongest relationships begin in places where people get the chance to know the real you. And that's something no dating profile can ever fully capture. As always, thank you so much for listening. And if you have found this podcast useful, feel free to share it with a friend or even rate us five stars on your streaming platform of choice. It really does help us reach more people, and we do post every single day. I've been Jack, and this has been And How Does That Make You Feel an Awakened Podcast, and I'll see you at the next one.