“My heart no longer beats the same” with Felicia Cook, Corey’s mom

In this heartfelt conversation, I talk with Felicia Cook, a mother who lost her son Corey to a fentanyl overdose. Felicia shares her journey through grief, the impact of losing a child, and how her faith has helped her navigate this unimaginable pain. She discusses the importance of community support, the complexities of mental health and substance abuse, and her desire to honor Corey by helping others facing similar struggles. Through her story, Felicia offers hope and insight into the healing process after loss.

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Transcript

greg buffkin (00:00)
Well, hey, everybody, and welcome to our latest episode. I'm Greg Buffkin And today we're going to be talking about a subject that is sadly all too familiar to a lot of you.

In 2024, just last year, over 48,000 Americans died of a drug overdose, primarily due to fentanyl.

And today I'm going to be talking with one of those moms who recently lost her beautiful son. In July of 2023, Felicia Cook lost her son, Corey, to a tragic fentanyl overdose. And we'll be talking about the profound impact this traumatic loss has had on her life. You'll also hear hope in Felicia's story as she shares with us how God has carried her through this unimaginable pain and brokenness.

and how he's now taking those broken pieces and restoring beauty, joy and purpose to our life. And now here's my conversation with Felicia.

Well, Felicia, welcome to our podcast. It is so good to have you with us today.

Felecia Cook (01:16)
Good morning, Greg. Thank you for having me.

greg buffkin (01:19)
⁓

absolutely. I'm honored to have you as my guest. if you have ever listened to any of our episodes, Felicia, you know at the beginning of the conversation, I always give my guests just a minute or two if they would like to share anything personal.

Felecia Cook (01:34)
Okay, thank you for that opportunity. I will share that I am a woman who loves God and who loves life and who loves the opportunity to use my life experiences to help other people. I have 15 grandchildren that I love. ⁓ 15 grandchildren.

greg buffkin (01:55)
Wait a minute, 15? Wow,

what's the age range?

Felecia Cook (02:00)
from two months to 27 years old. Yes.

greg buffkin (02:06)
Really? Well, congratulations

for that two month old. Wow. So that keeps you ⁓ pretty busy and I imagine also sometimes pretty tired, right?

Felecia Cook (02:10)
Yes, brand new, brand new.

I'm pretty busy, pretty busy. I've learned to pace myself. ⁓ And luckily they're all, with the exception of the newborn, are all in the same area. So I don't have to do a lot of travel time. They travel to me. Sometimes I look up and some are getting off the bus ⁓ at my stop. Some just show up. ⁓

greg buffkin (02:21)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Felecia Cook (02:45)
So

it is a blessing to be a grandmother.

greg buffkin (02:50)
Yeah,

know. Kathy and our grandparents too. Yeah, so I get that. ⁓ I believe you shared with me when we talked a few weeks ago that you are a social worker. Is that correct?

Felecia Cook (03:06)
work in the social work field. I have worked in social work for many years, human services. I worked with foster care kids. also currently I work for a foster care agency and I am serving as their trainer. So I work for this.

greg buffkin (03:08)
Okay.

Felecia Cook (03:28)
with this high fidelity wraparound program. It's an evidence-based program and it is under the leadership of Virginia Wraparound Implementation Center.

greg buffkin (03:42)
Okay.

Felecia Cook (03:43)
And so I get to train throughout the state of Virginia on a model that helps youth and families who are going through multi-systems. So those who may be at risk of leaving their homes. So it's kids who have mental health challenges. It's kids who have ⁓ challenges with court services. And it's at a time when families are at their

most critical times. And so I get to work with providers and show them how to implement this evidence-based model to help the families.

greg buffkin (04:22)
That's some very important work. Thank you for what you're doing. One other thing that stands out from our previous conversation was that you are a Neely Whid.

Felecia Cook (04:25)
Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Yes, I am. am. God has blessed me with an amazing husband. I was blessed. It's not my first round, but I was blessed to have an amazing husband for this season of my life. And so his name is Daryl and he's a man of God. He loves the Lord, loves me, loves the children and grandchildren. So it is a blessing. Yes.

greg buffkin (05:04)
Well, a shout out to your husband.

Felecia Cook (05:06)
Thank you. Hey, how's it been? Yes.

greg buffkin (05:11)
Well, Felicia, as I said earlier, I'm so glad that you have joined us today. The subject that we're going to be talking about, of course, is a difficult one. And it's a subject that unfortunately affects an awful lot of Americans. And so I appreciate that you're willing to let us into your life and give us a glimpse of

of what it's like for a mom who suffered the kind of loss that you have. So we're here to talk about your son, Cory. And ⁓ so what I'd like for you to do is just to tell us a little bit about him as a person, about him as your sweet boy. so you just kind of take it away and then we'll just kind of move further into

to what your journey has been like for the past couple of years.

Felecia Cook (06:09)
Okay, thank you. ⁓ Just to share this, I have been blessed to have three biological children, ⁓ Ebony, Antoine, and Cory was my third baby of the family. And throughout their lives, I've referred to these children as my heartbeats. So Cory is my third heartbeat, ⁓ a breath of fresh air.

greg buffkin (06:34)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (06:34)
breath of air.

He was always so happy and had this vibrant smile that he would walk in a room and we would say just cheesing and everybody would have to laugh because he would just be cheesing, smiling. It was infectious and he had such a good heart. He loved people. Most of all, he loved his family. Very family driven.

greg buffkin (06:50)
Nyeh.

Felecia Cook (07:03)
eager to help, you know, he was the type that if he got $20, you know, he was like, here, mom, you take what you need and give me a rest. You know, he was always sharing. ⁓ I remember one time he had gotten a job and his very first check, he went and got all of his nieces and nephews, new tennis shoes, didn't buy himself anything, you know, and he was just,

greg buffkin (07:27)
Really?

Felecia Cook (07:33)
you know, he loved serving people. And I thank God for that because he had a servant's heart and a servant's spirit. ⁓ And he loved his mama. He loved his mama.

greg buffkin (07:47)
I'll bet he did because I

am looking at a mama who I can tell loves her boy.

Felecia Cook (07:54)
Yes, yes, definitely.

greg buffkin (07:56)
There's

something about those those mom and son relationships that are just special

Felecia Cook (08:04)
A different type, a different type of relationship.

greg buffkin (08:05)
It is.

I saw that in our son's relationship with my wife Kathy. We had a great relationship, but there was something about that relationship that they had that, well, I'm going to say they still have. It's just there's been a break in our fellowship until we get reunited with them in heaven one day. ⁓

Felecia Cook (08:21)
This is your hat.

Yes.

Yes.

greg buffkin (08:30)
But yeah, I appreciate you saying that because I just, know that there are moms out there today that are struggling because they've lost a son or they've lost a daughter. there is, nobody can understand the heart of a mom except another mom.

Felecia Cook (08:39)
Mm-hmm.

Yes, yes, yes. It's a very, and first let me say this, that I'm glad you said that, that my son is no longer physically here, but his spirit and his memories are forever with me and they bring me hope, they bring me joy, and I know that it is the thing that has kept me going. ⁓

But with all that said, it is a heartbreaking, heartbreaking moment when you realize one that you gave life to, one that you carry, that is a part of your DNA, your very system, right? It's no longer here with you physically in the natural. ⁓ It is something that pulls on every part of you. ⁓ My physical was impacted, my body, I...

greg buffkin (09:31)
Right.

Felecia Cook (09:44)
literally feel like my heart does not beat the same anymore. And it still feels that way. I've even went to the doctor like, hey, something's going on here. But I realized my heart does not beat the same because those three heartbeats that were a part of it that pulled on all systems of my body, something has shifted. And so I say that, that my heartbeat has changed, but it impacted everything. Yes.

greg buffkin (10:12)
Yeah, I'm glad that you shared that because the death of a child does affect every aspect of our being and it does leave this gaping hole in our hearts. you said something a minute ago that your heart never beats the same again and saying that you said that you even went to the doctor.

Felecia Cook (10:20)
Thanks.

greg buffkin (10:38)
It's interesting that you say that Felicia because you may or may not be aware of this. You probably are because you're a mom that broken heart syndrome is a very real thing. And it ⁓ a lot of times parents will show up in the ER presenting with cardiac symptoms. Sometimes it

Felecia Cook (10:53)
thing.

Thanks.

greg buffkin (11:06)
the symptoms show up as though they're having a cardiac event. And so when you hear somebody who's lost a child say that their heart is broken and it ⁓ doesn't beat the same again, as you just said, take that at face value because it is absolutely true.

Felecia Cook (11:24)
Yes.

Yes, absolutely, Craig, it's real. It's real. ⁓

greg buffkin (11:30)
Yeah.

Felicia, how did you you talked about how for you and for for most parents that that grief has an impact physically, mentally and emotionally and spiritually? Can you talk a little bit about what that looked like for you? Because I think a lot of all too many people that are looking in from the outside who have never experienced it.

Felecia Cook (11:45)
spiritually.

greg buffkin (11:58)
primarily see the emotional impact. You know, they see us cry, you know, they see us weepy and just sad. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?

Felecia Cook (12:12)
That is, it really is. ⁓

The grief for me, it was interesting because I went in as a person who's trained in grief and loss. So, you know, all of a sudden, you know, I know what grief and loss looks like, right? I know the stages of grief and loss. And so as I'm going through, I'm saying to myself, you know, I'm talking myself through, because I'm a teacher, a trainer, a coach. I'm like, hey, you know what this is. This is the bargaining. You know what this is, right?

greg buffkin (12:33)
right.

Felecia Cook (12:45)
This is the regret. You know what this is. ⁓ And so for me, I was able to identify different stages I was in ⁓ and it was helpful, but then on one aspect, it wasn't as helpful, right?

greg buffkin (13:00)
Right, would it, I guess maybe it moved from all of that that you just described, it moved from information and ⁓ training to suddenly becoming very personal.

Felecia Cook (13:17)
It was very real, right?

greg buffkin (13:18)
And that

really separates the two very distinctly, doesn't it?

Felecia Cook (13:23)
Yes,

it does. It does. It's nothing like training. It's nothing like teaching. It's nothing like coaching someone through it ⁓ until you experience it yourself. ⁓ It is a loss that, for one, I would not want anyone else to be able to understand what I'm about.

greg buffkin (13:45)
Absolutely.

Felecia Cook (13:46)
in the pain that I felt and sometimes still feel. I would not want any of my friends or siblings to be able to say, get it, right? I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to experience it. But it is something that unless you've experienced it, you can't even begin to understand all of the different levels of it.

And so for me, it was just stepping back and not being a trainer, not being a coach, not being a minister, not being the one that the helper that other people came to, but now me recognizing the helper needs help in this world. The helper needs to process all these different things. And so it was a little...

greg buffkin (14:30)
Right.

Felecia Cook (14:39)
Two-folded because because of the the way that my corey died It wasn't ⁓ it was traumatic as well as going through grief and loss. I realized that I was also Demonstrating some of the ptsd simple Because it was so tragic and so, you know had no warning and so

greg buffkin (14:46)
night.

Sure.

Felecia Cook (15:08)
We went through all these different things and in the midst of it, the thing that gave me comfort was knowing God. That's the only way I could have gotten through all of the emotions that I experienced and how I still go through. Because I want to say this, that it is a lifelong journey. It is not something that we can say in two years, in three years, you'll be okay, you'll forget.

It's a, you know, love is, you know, eternal. so that bond and that love that I have for my Corey is forever. And so I have not gone into this thinking, it's the five year anniversary. Things should get better. No, I go into this with the great love that I have for him, that great love that was obvious here with him here is just as big in him not being here. And so.

greg buffkin (15:41)
Absolutely.

Felecia Cook (16:07)
I have to learn to manage that. And I have done some different things to help myself manage, you know, certain days and certain emotions.

greg buffkin (16:18)
Talk a little bit about that, Felicia, the things that have helped you managing those days and ⁓ those seasons where grief kind of sneaks in and you feel like you're maybe making a little bit of progress and all of a sudden it's like you take a dive again.

Felecia Cook (16:35)
Yes, because we know grief is so linear, right? Like we could be going this way today, right? A good way. And then bring something, a smell, a memory, a thought, and then we start all over again. Yes, messy. ⁓ I love that you said that because it's not a clean journey. know, no, it's one of those things that you have to be

greg buffkin (16:39)
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's messy.

Uh-uh. Nope.

Felecia Cook (17:04)
And I would say this to someone, be willing to be flexible in the journey, right? Yes, yes, yes.

greg buffkin (17:10)
⁓ yeah, you definitely gotta learn flexibility without a doubt.

We talk about the mental impact. Did you ever have those days where you felt like you were losing your mind?

Felecia Cook (17:25)
⁓ Craig. ⁓ Craig. Yes. Yes, I did. I did. I felt, and I'm going tell you a story in this. So I felt like it would be some days that I would get up and I'll be like, this is a dream. This can't be happening. This is not my reality. This is not my reality that my whole son, my Corey is not here. Like this is not happening.

greg buffkin (17:36)
Yeah, I do.

Right.

Felecia Cook (17:55)
And so I would sometimes make myself go back to sleep to like go lay back down just because you get up and Corey will come smiling. Like I know it was silly, right? But in those moments I was like, this is not real. Like my whole son is not here. And so it was the hardest part. I've heard people say the hardest things for them.

was to go to sleep at night, to sleep. But the hardest part for me was getting up another day and facing that my Corey was not here.

greg buffkin (18:26)
⁓ yeah.

And that took a lot of willpower sometimes because I've heard so many people, like you just said, they have a hard time getting out of bed and they don't want to get out of bed. It would just be easier, they say, just to lay there, pull the covers up over your head and not do anything.

Felecia Cook (18:53)
Yes.

Yes, yes. These are all normal signs of grief and loss. ⁓ It's the bodies, you know, we're responding to this huge thing that has hurt us and, and, that we can't maybe handle, you know, ⁓ it's huge and it's okay to feel those things. It's okay to feel them. And one of the things I said, you know, I cried out to God.

greg buffkin (19:17)
It is.

Felecia Cook (19:25)
And I said, God, this hurts so bad, right? It hurts so bad. ⁓ But I need you to heal me. I need you to comfort me. And I said, I need total complete healing because I know that if I don't go through the process in every process of this grief and loss that I could get stuck in the middle, right? So God, right, I need to, you know,

greg buffkin (19:49)
Yeah, and some people do.

Felecia Cook (19:54)
go through it. I need to process it. I can't hide. I can't run away. And yes, it was days I wanted to hide. And it was days I wanted to run away, like just run away. It was days I did. I sat in my car and pulled the windows up and screamed at the top of my lungs. All those things, all those things, all those feelings. And so just talking to God and saying,

greg buffkin (20:06)
Right?

Felecia Cook (20:22)
You gotta help me through this. You gotta get me through this and having knowing and believing that God would. ⁓ That's what actually helped me through this process. And I'm not gonna tell you that I don't still have those moments where I'm like, this is so my goodness, this is so hard.

greg buffkin (20:40)
You don't? Well, you sound

very normal.

Felecia Cook (20:48)
normal. I don't think grief and loss is normal. It is a decision. You decide that how would Corey want me to live my life. And he wanted me to live my life to the fullest. He wanted me to be happy. Those are some of the things he said. And, you know, I'll share it with you a little later. He wanted me. He was always very proud that

I was able to do the work I did and to help the people I did. And he had that same spirit in him. He would go up to ⁓ homeless people in the street. And the very last memory I had of he and I together, which was... ⁓

greg buffkin (21:21)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (21:34)
Probably a year before he passed but something that stood out We had went shopping and he was with his girlfriend and I went in one store they went in another and the girlfriend came and she was like You won't believe what he did and I was like, oh What did he do? that's my worry. I you know, I had to expect because Cory and I don't know if I said this he was diagnosed with a mental health disorder

greg buffkin (21:56)
Peace.

Felecia Cook (22:03)
And so he was dealing with a mental health disorder as well as a dual diagnosis, which was a substance abuse disorder because most times it goes hand in hand. They try and, you know, ⁓

greg buffkin (22:12)
Yeah.

I appreciate

you sharing that Cory, Cory, I apologize, Felicia, because those two do often go hand in hand, don't they?

Felecia Cook (22:29)
They do. do. They do. And sometimes undetected. Undetected. One or the other could be undetected because one is so prominent. But most times they're together. And so I'm sorry. No.

greg buffkin (22:39)
absolutely.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt but just out

of curiosity at what age did you start discovering either the mental health challenge and or the drug abuse?

Felecia Cook (22:59)
Okay. So Greg, I will say this, that that's one of the things that I struggle with because I just was like, had I picked this up sooner? But he was young, probably about 17. And I discovered that he was using marijuana. And so, you know, I did all the, you know, education, put him in, you know, drug education classes. And, you know, because we know that

know, say that marijuana is a gateway drug. So I tried to explain that, ⁓ but it just started spiraling around that time. ⁓ And so I really thought it was the drug use. ⁓ And so what I know now is that that was actually the mental health kicking in. I thought it was the drug use, know, constantly drug testing him.

greg buffkin (23:33)
Right.

Okay.

Felecia Cook (23:58)
which he was still experimenting, but it was not. It was the mental health kicking in.

greg buffkin (24:04)
So was it clinical depression?

Felecia Cook (24:07)
No, Cory was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Yes. ⁓

greg buffkin (24:10)
Schizophrenia, okay. Okay.

And I don't mean to be too personal, but was he being, was he getting medical treatment for it?

Felecia Cook (24:16)
no.

Not early on, not in the early stages because I just didn't, you know, I just didn't think because this was my perfect child. This was my, you know, smart academic wise, you know, doing sports. I just didn't see it.

greg buffkin (24:23)
Okay.

I understand that very much, Felicia, because we had some similar issues with our son Ryan. I think what I picked up on early in our conversation is that Cory was one of those people that lit up a room when he walked in. So even having these mental health challenges that he was dealing with, most people probably would have never picked up on it.

Felecia Cook (24:56)
Yes. Yes.

greg buffkin (25:07)
not just you, but other people as well, because they have the ability to mask it so well. And I think often they see those drugs that ⁓ we see in a very different light, they see them as something that helps ⁓ provide like a balm for what they're experiencing internally.

Felecia Cook (25:09)
Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

greg buffkin (25:37)
that

a lot of times they don't even know how to express and I think especially for young men. And so they're almost using these drugs as medication.

Felecia Cook (25:42)
Yes.

Yes, that's it. They self-medicate. Yes. And they find one or they seek out to find which one does the trick of, in Cory's case, it was the silence and the noises. And he would often tell me that the noises are so loud, you know. ⁓

greg buffkin (25:52)
Yeah, absolutely.

Felecia Cook (26:08)
And so he tried some different things. So was some, couple of years later that I realized that this is not drug use. This is not just drug use, it's something. But then what happened, he became an adult, you know, at the legal age. then it's that struggle of trying to get the help that is needed. You know, but once it was identified, I began to...

pushed for advocate for him to get the help. And luckily because Corey loved me, trusted me, he listened, he listened. ⁓ and so we were able to get counseling and put some things in place.

But then it was always that they feel better. And once you feel better, you don't need the meds. And so we had a few of those, you know, then trying different meds to see which combination works. So it was definitely ⁓ a process. But what I loved about it and what is so different with a lot of the people I talk to and stories I hear.

greg buffkin (27:02)
You

Felecia Cook (27:21)
A lot of times they are not open to different things, but Cory was open to try things to help him be better. For one, he had kids that he wanted to be a parent to, so he always tried his best to make sure that he was trying the right meds. But I'm not going tell you it was easy. It was a lot of praying. was a lot of,

greg buffkin (27:48)
yeah.

Felecia Cook (27:51)
Yeah.

greg buffkin (27:51)
Well, that's a great quality for

him to have, but I totally understand what you're saying. That process, there's nothing easy about it. And as you said, when they get to be ⁓ legal adults, you can't force anything any longer as a parent. You can suggest, you can have those conversations, and you pray that they'll be open to listening to you and maybe...

Felecia Cook (27:59)
Yes.

Okay.

greg buffkin (28:21)
maybe taking your advice to heart and getting the help that they need, ⁓ thinking about it differently, but there's no guarantee there, is there?

Felecia Cook (28:24)
Yep.

Yep.

And systematically, ⁓ it becomes a problem because, and I had to struggle with this and I advocated for him and I fought and I got in people's faces and I pulled out guidelines and throughout the law and all these things because you say this is a person who has severe

mental health challenges. And this person is clearly obviously in a crisis right now. But then you say the person is allowed to make their own decisions. I don't agree. I'm sorry.

greg buffkin (29:07)
Right.

No, I think

there are a lot of us that don't agree with that.

Felecia Cook (29:15)
Yeah, I'm sorry. If they are so impacted by this, then there should be some safety things put in place. And so, you know, I realized this is what I'm gonna keep finding myself up against, you know, like I can make the call and hold him for three days. But when those three days come up.

There's something there that says he can say I'm okay and I don't need further care and I can go home. It's very hard, it's very hard, but ⁓ he and I put some safety things in place and I'm just thankful to God that I had a difficult conversation with him where he was at his best.

greg buffkin (29:44)
Yeah, it's hard to fight that system sometimes.

I'm glad that you did that and I'm glad that you said that just now because too often as parents, we want to make things as easy and as comfortable for our kids as we possibly can. Unfortunately, sometimes that means that we don't have those difficult conversations with them that you just described. ⁓

because we know that we can't control the outcome of those conversations. And so sometimes we just rather not even go there. But it is worth the risk. When it's for their own benefit, it is worth the risk.

Felecia Cook (30:36)
It is. It is.

Mm-hmm

It is it is it's worth for me I had to understand

Tell me what it's like for you. Tell me what you're experiencing when these things happen, when you're not on your meds. I need to know what you're experiencing, what are you hearing, and some of the things that you hear. I needed to know that because then I needed to know how do I respond? What safety things do I put in place? How do I know when it's that time?

greg buffkin (31:04)
right.

right.

Felecia Cook (31:16)
And so we had to have that conversation. And then because Corey would hear voices, I was like, how do I combat that? Right.

greg buffkin (31:30)
Yeah, you really

can't, can you, as a parent? As bad as you want to.

Felecia Cook (31:35)
But you could get really close and I know it sounds but I'm gonna tell you So Cory her voices and Cory's been in church all his life, right? On my knee or in church all his life. And so he knew God he was in relationship with God The way I got to him was do you know the voice of God? Do you know the voice of God?

greg buffkin (31:53)
That's, I'm so thankful.

Felecia Cook (32:03)
and he knew the voice of God. And so I would say to him, would God tell you to do that? Would God tell you to do those things? Would God say those things? Would God tell you to say those things? And so we did that. ⁓ And so it was always that. And then it was another piece that we had a safety word, right? And so it was a word that he and I sat down and talked about.

So when he was at his worst, when he couldn't hear certain things and then other voices was coming in, it was a phrase that he and I picked together that he would know nobody else knew this but me and him. it helped and it helped. And so was no weapon formed against me shall prosper. And

greg buffkin (32:48)
And that's all that mattered.

Felecia Cook (32:56)
we would say these things. And so it was little tips, you know, and I guess if someone said medically, they couldn't put any scientific proof that these things help, but they helped it for us. They helped in our life. They helped us be able to manage until he finally got to the point where he recognized the importance of the meds and he was actively on his meds.

greg buffkin (33:18)
Yeah.

And you knew your child better than anybody else. And what I'm hearing is that Cory is incredibly blessed to have a mom like you, Felicia, who was so in tune with her son that, you know, you knew a lot of things because of your training and because of the work that you do, but a lot of what you were doing for him.

was based on the fact that you knew him and you loved him better than anybody else on the planet. And you invested in him in ways that nobody else could have at that point in his life when he desperately needed that.

Felecia Cook (34:01)
Yeah, Corey had a village,

so it was not just me. I think it was his children that gave him hope ⁓ and tomorrow. So it wasn't just me. And if I will say one thing, let me just say this, Greg. It wasn't so much my training and background that got me through Corey.

greg buffkin (34:08)
here.

Felecia Cook (34:20)
taught me how to navigate through the mental health system because I hadn't had to do that. But he taught me because his desire to live life, right, and live life abundantly helped me. The more he desired to be helped and needed an answer and a solution and it just drove me to let's try this, let's try that. So

greg buffkin (34:22)
Aww.

Wow. Yeah.

Felecia Cook (34:48)
I have to say that he helped me help him. Yeah.

greg buffkin (34:52)
Wow, that

says an awful lot about Charles' relationship. ⁓ You you just said one of the words that you used a moment ago was, he had a village.

Felecia Cook (34:58)
Yeah.

greg buffkin (35:06)
You know, when a parent loses a child, one of the things that becomes so very real for us is, you know, we can walk into a room filled with people, whether it be church, whether it be the grocery store, whatever it is, we can walk in and we feel incredibly isolated and very lonely even in the midst of such a setting.

Felecia Cook (35:36)
Yes.

greg buffkin (35:36)
And other

people don't really get that. mean, it's sort of a foreign concept in some respects if you haven't been there. So we need people in our lives that we're close to, that we're comfortable with, that we...

that will step in sometimes and just simply offer the gift of their presence. ⁓ So we need community. Community is very important. God designed us after all for community. He did not design us to do life as the Lone Ranger. And when you're experiencing that kind of pain and that kind of trauma,

Felecia Cook (36:12)
Mm-mm.

greg buffkin (36:17)
It's different when you've got that small handful of people who know you and love you and who are willing to help carry some of that load. Talk a little bit about what that was like for you, Felicia.

Felecia Cook (36:30)
It was, you know, I'm glad you brought that up because I think for me that was probably one of the most difficult times ⁓ with the people trying to help. For one, I think people, some people took the position of, you are a minister. You know, God is able, you know. So those were some of the things, ⁓ you know.

greg buffkin (36:38)
Was it?

Felecia Cook (36:57)
the cliches, God is good, God only puts, he only puts the hard things on the strongest people and those things and God won't give you more than you can bear, those things. ⁓ But then we had the people who really.

greg buffkin (37:10)
you

Felecia Cook (37:15)
did not know how to deal with me because I was in a different section of loss, right? It wasn't a loss like my son had a heart trouble and died because of that, or my son was in the military and got killed in active duty. It wasn't that. My son died because he had mental health issues, he used drugs, thought he was taking cocaine and it was fentanyl and he had instant overdose. ⁓

So that's messy, right? That's more ideal, right? And so, so from their perspective. So some people didn't know how to handle me. They didn't know what to say instead of sorry for your loss or let me know if you wanna talk or I know how much you miss Corey. He was such a great guy. They don't know it was uncomfortable. ⁓

greg buffkin (37:51)
from their perspective.

We do make other people uncomfortable by just simply being around them, don't we? And I think the other aspect of this, and tell me if you agree or not, they're not dealing with the same person that they knew before our loss, right?

Felecia Cook (38:17)
Yeah

Yeah, yeah.

different. Totally different. You don't.

greg buffkin (38:38)
Yeah. So how did

you deal with, how did you deal with those things? Or maybe I should say, how did you deal with the people and the things that they said that even though we both know they met well, they wanted to help, want to put a bandaid on us, want to put a bandaid on a surgical wound.

Felecia Cook (38:47)
Okay.

Right.

Yes, yes, and quickly.

greg buffkin (39:02)
but sometimes

and quickly and sometimes it just doesn't work out so well does it? So how did you deal with that?

Felecia Cook (39:08)
It doesn't.

I just thought I would be transparent. ⁓ I'm always very real. I'm always open to share my story. so I just took it on as, me educate you. Let me help you with this process. ⁓ It was, ⁓ you know, for Corey's service, what I decided to do was just be open and honest, you know? And so I...

did his service, eulogized my son at his place. And we opened it. opened it.

greg buffkin (39:43)
⁓ man.

Hi, I'll bet

Cory was just, he was probably smiling bigger than he had ever smiled in his life.

Felecia Cook (39:54)
I believe that.

That was the, you know, who better knows him than me to stand and tell his story to the end. So that's how we did it. And we shared. opened it up and I talked about mental health and I talked about substance use disorder and I talked about it and let them know this is the call. This is what happened and this is not a one time deal. ⁓ If you look at statistics, a lot of people saw I educated throughout.

greg buffkin (40:00)
Absolutely.

Felecia Cook (40:25)
the process. But it was still.

How will I say? I won't say lonely because I have such an amazing village. ⁓ But I didn't see too many people like me, right?

greg buffkin (40:39)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (40:39)
We see too many people. know we have parents who we've lost parents, you know, we've lost a spouse. Corey's father had passed in February of 2023 and Corey was grieving that and then he passed in July of 2023. So it was a huge loss, huge time. But the difference is I've lost both my parents, friends, you know.

greg buffkin (40:55)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (41:06)
And this type of loss was different. And we couldn't compare. I couldn't even compare with my own self. I lost my mom and dad. I lost them and I loved them. They were my best advocates, fans, friends, but the loss of my son.

And so it wasn't until I was able to talk to someone else about it in detail. And it was one other person, believe it or not, who was right here, right in my circle. My sister lost a son as well about six years ago. And so she and I, my sister Ava, we were able to talk about it and realize that it is different. And yeah.

greg buffkin (41:42)
Yeah.

Yeah,

it is. And it's amazing how God connects us with that. Maybe it's just that one other person who knows what it's like up close and personal. And so they don't just sympathize with you, but they can empathize because they've walked where you're walking now and they can come alongside and help.

Felecia Cook (42:19)
Yes.

greg buffkin (42:21)
carry some of the load and when they listen, they listen with ears that ⁓ are different than somebody else's who hasn't been there before. And I think that it yields a deeper level of kindness and compassion in us, ⁓ particularly if we've lost a child and then we meet somebody else who has.

Felecia Cook (42:32)
Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

greg buffkin (42:51)
And I love what you said to Felicia that we don't compare grief, but the intensity of the grief that comes with losing a child. The intensity of the pain is very uniquely different. I've talked to too many people.

Felecia Cook (43:05)
Mm-hmm.

Yes.

greg buffkin (43:18)
who have lost children to believe that that's not true. I know it is. I've experienced it and you have and we both know lots of people who have and while we don't diminish the grief of others who have lost a mate or ⁓ a grandparent or a parent, this is still a very

Felecia Cook (43:25)
history.

Well...

greg buffkin (43:48)
unique grief and pain to have to process and walk through.

Felecia Cook (43:55)
Yes, you're right. It's not, and by no means, you know, diminishing anyone else's loss because grief and loss is, you know, unique to us in itself. know, you can't even compare if you lost a sibling versus you lost a sibling. It's always, you know, unique to the individual. I think for me what was so different for me is that it seems so unnatural, right? Because naturally we expect

greg buffkin (44:03)
Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Felecia Cook (44:25)
that parents will ⁓ leave before a child, right? Naturally, especially in healthy, you know, parent, you know, children, ⁓ we expect that the natural order of things is that children will bury their parents and not go around. And so for me, it just seems so unnatural. Like, it seems so, I felt like I was like in a Twilight Zone, really.

greg buffkin (44:43)
Yeah, very true.

Very good description. Yeah, yep. For those of us who grew up watching the Twilight Zone... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Felecia Cook (44:54)
Mm.

Yes.

watching. Right, like the different dimensions of, Yeah,

so much so. Let me tell what I did. I carried Corey's birth certificate with me. Right, because I had to, it would be in those moments with like, I gave birth to a son who's not here. you know,

greg buffkin (45:14)
Do ya?

Felecia Cook (45:24)
And so I would just pull out this birth certificate, right? And actually went and got more copies because I put it in every one of my major purses I carry. And every once in a while, I have to pull it out. Just that you did give birth. You gave birth to Cory. Cory was here. Cory lived. He loved. And okay, it was one of those Twilight moments. Right?

greg buffkin (45:47)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

so sometimes you give those copies of the birth certificates out to other people. ⁓

Felecia Cook (45:55)
No, I don't. put

them in my purses so that I have one in almost every purse that I carry.

greg buffkin (45:59)
gotcha, okay.

Including

the one that you're holding right now, correct? Yeah

Felecia Cook (46:07)
Yeah, so it's all it's

it's always there, right? But yeah, that that that helps for me. I don't know what it was. I remember the moment I couldn't remember the exact I couldn't remember the exact time of day he was born. For whatever reason, I woke up and I couldn't remember it. And I looked all over for the birth certificates and the birth certificates. It didn't have that once. I had to get a particular birth certificate.

greg buffkin (46:12)
Yeah. Yeah.

Felecia Cook (46:37)
the one that said the time on it. So I had to go to Richmond, Virginia and I got it. Cause I was like, I just need to remember. Like I couldn't remember. I had the hours like 12, but I kept saying, no, it's 12. It was 1230. was, and I just couldn't remember. And I broke down. And when I got there, was like, it was 1239 that he was born. So I wasn't so far off, but yeah, yeah.

greg buffkin (46:39)
right.

Yeah, it's that grief brain. Yeah,

it just does it. It it messes with our minds.

Felecia Cook (47:08)
Yes, yes. And why that was so important in that moment, like, I don't know, but it became so utterly important to me that I had to arrive to Richmond. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.

greg buffkin (47:18)
And that's what's important. It was important to you. Yeah.

Felicia, as our conversation is coming close to the end, I did want to ask you something because I've heard your love for the Lord come out throughout this entire conversation. I wanted to ask you this, is there anything about the Lord that you thought you knew before you lost Corey, but that you know now in a way that you didn't know before?

Felecia Cook (47:52)
Oh my goodness. I will start it off by saying this, God has been so amazingly good to me throughout my life. And I thought I knew that, right? I knew that. I said it. You know, I said, is good. We throw that out. God is good. Right. We say it. We say it.

greg buffkin (48:00)
Hmm.

It's easy to say that, it?

Felecia Cook (48:12)
But doing this moment with my son, with Corey, and the loss of Corey, it took me to another level of God is good. It took me to another level of God being a comforter. What is a comforter? Someone who makes you feel better, someone who will be there when you need them.

greg buffkin (48:22)
Amen.

Yeah.

Felecia Cook (48:37)
But for me, being my comforter was in the midnight hours when everybody else was sleeping and I was up crying and I was up, you know, not just tears, little tears, but making my bed shake. You know what I mean? When God stepped in and God just embraced me with his love and...

It was in those moments that I knew I'm going be OK. But God, the process. Can I make it through the process, right? I knew I would be OK because God promised me that. But can I make it through the process?

greg buffkin (49:07)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (49:18)
And had to lean in and God told me that just lean in don't run away because we tend to run away and then you know, it's been times in my life when things got too rough or too hard that it's easy to run away or stop or substitute it for something else. But God said this time you lean in and you experience it and you feel it and you will be healed. And so Greg, when I tell you those leaning in moments where I couldn't hide

from it and all I could do is cry and hurt and you know what I realized was that God was healing me from the inside because the inside has to be healed first not just that I can show up and look good and say the words but my inside had to be healed and so what I know about God now I've always known.

I've always known, but what he did was he showed me again, I am here. I'm not going to ever tell you, you're not going to go through some things, but I'm telling you, I'll go through them with you. And that is what God does for me. He has went through this whole time of my grief with me. ⁓

greg buffkin (50:30)
He kind of becomes more personal, doesn't he?

Felecia Cook (50:33)
more personal, more personal and more real. You know, when people say they can't see God or feel God or know God or know the voice of God, how can you not? When in our own strength, you know, and anybody else who's been through the loss of a child, the loss of anyone but the loss of a child, you feel like you, you know, like, I feel like

greg buffkin (50:37)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (51:00)
I was supposed to take care of him. I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there. I was supposed, I'm the mommy, right? I was supposed to do those things. So in a moment, I felt like I failed. I felt weak. I felt like I didn't do my job, but God was there with me. And when you feel yourself being lifted up, when you can't lift your own self up, you better know that there's, that's God.

greg buffkin (51:28)
Absolutely.

Felecia Cook (51:29)
That's the reality for me. Yeah.

greg buffkin (51:31)
Yeah,

thank you for sharing that and you know for for those of you who are listening if in hearing what Felicia just shared you're thinking I want that but I don't have that what we both would encourage you to do is go to God and tell him that and if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus

Felecia Cook (51:48)
Yes.

greg buffkin (51:59)
give him a try. ⁓ Both of us would tell you that if you will turn to him and invite him into your life, you'll wonder why did I not do this before? Because as Felicia shared, he is the ultimate comforter and he is our counselor and he is a good father.

Felecia Cook (52:01)
I'm gonna try.

greg buffkin (52:29)
So he never intended for us to carry any of this all by ourselves. So give him a shot.

One more thing that I would like for you to share with our listeners, Felicia, is you told me back a few weeks ago when we were talking that you were ⁓ trying to set up a foundation in Corey's honor. Tell us a little bit about that and where you are with that now.

Felecia Cook (52:51)
Yes.

Yes.

So Cory had asked me for, like he would say it, well, let me go back really quickly. I know we got a few more, we'll do it quick. But I was telling the story of how I was with Cory and his girlfriend and his girlfriend came telling me, won't believe what Cory did. What he did was he saw a homeless man sitting outside the store and he gave him $100. And girlfriend was like, $100, like we need certain things you need. And so when I talked to him about it,

greg buffkin (53:03)
Sure.

⁓ wow.

Felecia Cook (53:27)
And I said, Cory, I get it, you know, but I'm helping you. And why would you give this man a hundred dollars? And Cory said this to me that has helped me throughout. Cory said, Mom, I have God and I have you. He doesn't have anybody. And that thing just took me. So he had a vision of he had a name.

and he wanted me to write a grant for him, right? And so said, Cory, what is it for? Before I could write a grant, I need to know what you want to do. And so we would go back and forth, and his only thing was people helping people. He said, what better people to help other people go through things if but the people who've been through things? And that was his whole rationale with this, right? And so...

greg buffkin (54:16)
Yeah.

Felecia Cook (54:17)
Over the process, I knew in his honor I would do something. And so what I have decided to do is organization and it just will be people helping people. We will do multiple things. But one of the things I would love to do is help families who are experiencing mental health and substance abuse use with their kids or family members, be able to help them walk alongside them to help them.

navigate the system and do some tangible things, right? Because Corey showed me that, yeah, we can say we can help you, can, you know, send you here and there, but sometimes people just need that tangible touch. You need some shoes, you need a place to stay. And so that's the goal ⁓ to do some helping people within our community.

that have experienced some of the things we have as a family trying to navigate Corey. ⁓ Helping children who have lost their parents. That's another piece because Corey left behind five adorable children. ⁓ And so helping them, being able to see them have to navigate the loss of their father at such young ages. ⁓ We would like to give back and help families that are going through the same thing.

greg buffkin (55:26)
No.

Felecia Cook (55:42)
And his oldest sons he has a 15 or 14 and a 12 and I'm 10 and a 8 year old They have had an opportunity to navigate some of this and So they're doing some projects of their own and they're amping up to speak and talk to other young people They're not all the way there yet, but they're getting there

The three, the oldest ones are writing a book through our eyes only that I will, I've started with them with. And it's just, you know, talking about some things through a child's eyes. ⁓ And so we are just determined. Corey lived and he lived hard and he made some impacts in our lives. He made some impacts in our community. ⁓

And he's still with us. And so we will just continue his life of love and his legacy on by helping other people because that's what he was really about. And so as hard as it was to lose him, I'm so thankful that God gave me 32 fabulous years, some tears, some laughter.

greg buffkin (56:46)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Felecia Cook (57:00)
some regrets, but yet still 32 years with my son. I'll keep that with me and say his name over and over and over again.

greg buffkin (57:05)
⁓

Absolutely, that's so important. And what a great legacy it sounds like he's left and continues to leave and what a great advocate his mom is to try to carry on his desire to help other people. So thank you for what you're doing in setting up this foundation, Thalisha.

Felecia Cook (57:29)
Thank you.

Thank you, Greg. Thank you for

this platform that helps so many people. ⁓ Thank you for me, you know, just giving me the opportunity to share my story. Thank you for the work you've done into you and your wife. I, know, again, sorry for your loss because that was great. And that generated you to do this, to help other people. So through our kids' lives, we still have gained.

opportunities to continue to share them and this is what you're doing with this and so I thank you.

greg buffkin (58:07)
Well, thank

you for saying that, Felicia. And yeah, I'm glad that the Lord's given both of us platforms to be able to carry our children's memory into the future and gives them an opportunity to continue touching the lives of people through us that they never had the opportunity to. So it's important work. And it has been.

Felecia Cook (58:29)
Yes. Yes.

greg buffkin (58:33)
an absolute privilege to have you on our podcast today and thank you so much for giving us glimpses into the heart of a mom who's been through the worst and who is now just, it's amazing to hear the joy and to hear ⁓ just what God has done over the past couple of years with the healing and the ⁓

just restoring so much to your life in such a short period of time. So thank you for sharing that with all of us.

Felecia Cook (59:07)
Thank