Contagious Hope with Billy & Julie Melton, Juliana’s parents

The phone call changes everything. One minute you’re living a normal week, and the next you’re racing toward tests, scans, and words like “concerning” and “brain tumor.” I’m joined by Billy and Julie Melton to remember their daughter Juliana, a newlywed with a contagious laugh, a love for people, and a faith that stayed steady through a long, painful 16-month cancer fight that ended on Valentine’s Day 2018.

We talk about what happens after adult child loss, when the world keeps moving but your time feels stuck. Billy and Julie describe the raw first year, the heavier second year when reality sets in, and the very real experience of grief triggers at church, at work, and in everyday places. We also dig into what actually helps grieving parents: community that shows up with practical care, the freedom to set boundaries without guilt, and the courage to let someone else hold you up when your faith and energy run thin.

They share how hospice support, counseling, grief groups, and time with other bereaved parents helped them heal, and why surviving siblings need attention too. We also explore the hunger many Christians feel to understand heaven more clearly when someone you love is there. Finally, Billy and Julie explain how God redeemed their suffering into Restoring Hope, a Greensboro-area ministry offering biblical hope and a safe space for bereaved parents facing adult child loss.

If this conversation helps you, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review so more grieving families can find it. What’s one practical act of support that mattered most to you or someone you love?

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Well, hi everyone, and welcome. I'm Greg Bufkin, your host. And today you'll be hearing a conversation I had recently with Billy and Julie Melton. They're the co-founders of Restoring Hope, which is a ministry to bereaved parents, like all of us. We'll talk about their grief journey that started back in 2018 when they lost their beautiful daughter Juliana to a brain tumor after a valiant 16-month-long battle at the age of only 27. You'll also hear about how Juliana's faith in Jesus Christ never wavered throughout that long battle until he carried her home to heaven on Valentine's Day of 2018. Billy and Julie also share how their relationships with Jesus brought comfort, peace, and healing to their brokenness, and enabling them now to be able to help other grieving parents. And here's my conversation now with Billy and Julie. Well, Billy and Julie, welcome to our podcast. It is really great to have you guys with us today. Well, thank you so much for having us, Greg.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

We just really appreciate your the opportunity to speak with you.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Thank you, Greg. Thank you for your ministry. Look forward to having a conversation with you.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Well, thank you. I've been looking forward to it as well. And we'll also be sharing a little later on in the conversation about the ministry that you guys have as well. So I think what I'd like to do right here at the uh beginning is just to have you guys take a minute or two and share anything personal that you would like to about your family or if you guys are still working or retired and that sort of thing. So I'll just hand it over to you for a, like I said, a couple of minutes.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Okay, Greg, I'm a retired accountant and currently staying busy. We keep our grandchild, our grandson, who's about 15 months, a couple days a week. Oh. That'll keep you busy. Yeah. When he takes a nap, I take a nap. So I'll bet. He's active.

SPEAKER_03 2:58

And so precious and sweet.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

So precious and sweet.

SPEAKER_03 3:02

We are blessed to be able to do life, you know, with our daughter that that lives here in town and partner with them and you know, love on their grand, their child, our grandchild. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

And that's probably the cutest and smartest and most cuddly grandchild in on the entire planet, right?

SPEAKER_03 3:25

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

He's a day maker.

SPEAKER_03 3:29

I was a social worker for a number of decades. I retired from the as a school social worker a few years ago and have been kind of filling in some there, but also I've been the last couple of years just helping in in the faith-based community, just doing some responding to some needs there. And also, you know, just partnering with some different practices in the in the uh community. So to use my social work skills and coaching skills.

Juliana’s Life And Legacy

SPEAKER_00 4:00

So that's great. It's it's so encouraging to see people in this season of life where we we all are, to to to find that purpose where you can use those skills and use that experience that that you built up all of those years. You now you don't get paid for it necessarily, but you get to lend all of that to to helping other people. So I'm glad you guys have found that.

SPEAKER_03 4:27

And God's uh starting to open up some doors, more doors for for me for in my, you know, in my area of that I feel passionate about. So that's really cool. Just trusting him with that.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

So yeah, that's really important. And uh yeah, I think when we make ourselves available, God opens those doors. And every time we step through them, you know, we we're blessed and somebody else gets blessed in the process. Well, y'all, thank you for sharing that. And you know, what I'd like for us to do is just it's just kind of dive into your story because what what brought you guys to to our podcast as guests is that like all the rest of us, you guys are grieving parents. You you lost your beautiful sweet daughter Juliana back in, it was actually Valentine's Day of 2018, if I remember correctly.

SPEAKER_03 5:18

That's right, correct.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you guys had told me it was a geoblastoma. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

She had uh she had brain cancer. She had a history of brain tumors, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yeah. Well, let's let's talk about, let's go back a little bit because I would love for you to just share with our listeners about who Juliana is and what the impact that her life had on you guys as well as other family members and people that she did life with every day. And I know she was a she was a newlywed, if I recall.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

Well, she, you know, we were talking together about how again as we were getting ready for for you know to share with you and you know how much we our children are so easy to talk talk about, you know. God blessed us with two beautiful girls, Juliana and Jessica, who both love and follow Jesus. Juliana was actually the first child, the first grandchild, the first everything. I'd say she paved the way for all the grandchildren, and my dad said he was her number one. She set the bar high.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Wow. That's really cool. Our daughter, Whitney, is the same. First everything.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

Yeah. And so it was fun to raise two daughters together. And so, but Juliana was like, we call her, was would say she was like sunshine. She was like a joyful ambassador, she had a contagious laugh, big blue eyes that sparkled. Her sense of humor was just she was so fun. She loved lard, she had red hair, she loved adventures, she loved people. I I say that she was was the kind of girl that really lived well, loved well, and taught us how to finish well.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Sounds like she was one of those people that walked into a room and just lit it up.

SPEAKER_03 7:12

Lit it up. That's right. That I was gonna say she could light up a room. She, you know, she always excelled in school and was always looking for opportunities to reach out to women that needed encouragement. And so she she earned her Girl Scout Gold Award helping underprivileged girls, serving that them. She loved to serve. She also served in her youth group. And one of my favorite memories is getting to the opportunity to go on a mission trip with her to Guatemala. It was a family trip, and she was the interpreter.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Wow. So and so she was fluent in Spanish.

SPEAKER_03 7:50

Well, she wouldn't say that at the time. She said she said she was proficient. But he she, you know, she could communicate, you know, even well then before she even, you know, finished her her, you know, started her her undergraduate degree in Spanish and sociology. But but so and Juliana, she loved worship. She loved, was a gifted dancer. She loved deep conversation over coffee. Her one of her friends told us, you know, that she had the confidence to be herself, which put others at ease. And I mean, that just as a mother, that just touched my heart, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

What a what an incredible character characteristic.

SPEAKER_03 8:33

Just, you know. She never met a stranger, Greg. She she was comfortable in any situation, you know, whether she was speaking to the custodian in Spanish or dedicating the community center, you know, a local community center, which she did during her time. But, you know, the girl, our girls have always been my biggest fans, Billy as well, but they would cheery me on, and especially Juliana, she would like, she would say, Ma mama, she called me Java Mama because we love love coffee. All of us girls do. She'd say, You can do it, you can do it, Java. And she she had this term, which, you know, was part of her life verse in Zephaniah 3.17. She would tell me and others, the Lord rejoices over you. And that just, you know, would just touch me so.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Well, I I know that you guys miss her so much. And it sounds like she just left this big, big hole.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

She did. She did.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

She did.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Yeah. Yeah. She she loved international students. And when she was in college, she would always be bringing them home on the weekends and holidays from Chile and Mexico and Wales and Australia. And she lived in an international dorm on the cop on the campus, and she made this big group of friends from all these different cultures. And so then her senior year of college, she decided to go live in Spain the whole year. Really? She yeah, in Toledo, Spain, and she really became fluent then. And you know, one of our highlights was being able to go visit her there, and she was our tour tour guide and took us around and she knew all the shopkeepers in this small town in Toledo, and uh she would talk to them in Spanish, and their their faces would just light up, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Well, it sounds like she brought an awful lot of richness to y'all's lots. I mean, she did.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

She really was.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

No, no. Oh. And we got one extra year with her because uh after she graduated, she lived with us and she was an interpreter for the school system. And after she finished that year, she decided she wanted to go to graduate school. So she went to Virginia Beach Regent University and got in the government program, and she served as the president of the graduate students and got to speak at a lot of different things and really grew in leadership.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Wow. Wow. Well, it sounds like she was uh a natural-born leader. I mean, just from what you guys have described.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

I mean Yeah, she thank you, Greg. She was a leader and she was very humble, a humble leader, too. And after, well, she met Brian while she was at Regent's future husband, and he was a second-year law student. And after they graduated, they got married and settled in Durham, North Carolina.

unknown 11:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 11:34

And they were they were married two and a half years, uh, had beautiful years.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Let me ask you guys this. So, I mean, we all know, everybody who's listening knows, you guys know this. You know, when we lose a child, it doesn't matter whether they're a baby and stillborn or whether they're in grade school or whether they're an adult. It changes our lives in ways that we could never ever have imagined. And sometimes that it just kind of leaves us feeling like, you know, we're stuck in time and the whole world continues to revolve and move forward, and we're just right in this grief spot. And sometimes it's hard to know how to what to do, how to move forward, how to process it, how to walk, walk it out, uh, because we don't come with an instruction booklet. And we this those are conversations that we never have, either at church or through any other source. We don't come prepared for that. We don't prepare people for that, do we? And so you're left trying to figure out how to navigate it along. So let's talk a little bit about what when you guys lost Juliana. I know that it was a 16-month long, long battle, and I know she fought really hard. But I know that you guys also knew that it probably was a terminal diagnosis. So, in some respects, I would have to guess that you guys were already grieving in some ways. And so when the Lord took her home, how did you guys begin to to process that and to figure out how to do daily life again?

SPEAKER_03 13:28

Yeah, we well, you know, I think ours our uh if I can back up a little bit, yeah. You know, we we got a call that nobody really wants to get. You know, our they a little over a year into Juliana's into the marriage, she began having headaches.

unknown 13:47

Okay.

The Diagnosis And 16-Month Fight

SPEAKER_03 13:47

And she went for an MRI, and her husband, Brian, called us saying that they had found something concerning and they were heading to the emergency room at Duke. And at that time, I mean, we we began, you know, I remember the ride over. Jessica, our daughter here in town, came over and we gathered some things together. And we the ride over, we kind of had a choice to make at that time. Are we gonna we didn't know what the outcome was gonna be? Are we gonna trust Jesus through this? So over the next few days, God orchestrated the steps. She was able to have a well-renowned surgeon who did a successful brain surgery, and and you know begin immediately, he they began to do, you know, the 16-month treatment journey, you know, journey. But I don't personally, I don't know that I really started grieving. I don't know that that Billy can maybe speak to that, but we basically just responded to to Juliana because she during that time chose life, you know. They could they never when they they spoke to us at the beginning after the successful journey, they were kind of almost, you know, like they wanted she was so young and they were all looking for different, you know, methods of treatment. And they changed her treatment plan several times. So we were we just knew that she was in God's hands and she was in in con he was in control and she responded to life that she wanted to, she wanted to live life and yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

So despite the diagnosis, they weren't really I think what I'm hearing is they weren't really certain about the prognosis. They knew that, I mean, she responded well to the treatment, and it sounds like they continued to be very aggressive in their treatment, and she was fighting hard. So maybe, maybe I o overthought that, and maybe they were more hopeful, just like Juliana was, that she was going to beat it. Is that is that fairly accurate?

SPEAKER_03 15:52

We didn't really you know, you want to speak speak about that or well I think one of our doctors said there's always hope.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

And, you know, we prayed for healing, but g God eventually healed her and took her to heaven. And not the way we wanted. And, you know, the doctors, they don't I wish they did know everything about cancer, but they don't. And you know, they they did their best treatment, and Juliana wanted to use everything available and you know, fight the fight, but in the end, God made the call to bring her home.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Yeah. And as you said, he did heal her, and she is now whole, no longer in any kind of pain. She's not suffering in any way, and she gets to hang out with Jesus every day, and we have to wait.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

Yeah. Yeah, she chose life and was an inspiration during the process. We never thought about, we really didn't even think about dying. You know, we didn't really talk as much about it as we and and we don't that's not we just she kind of knew she lived life in the moment anyway. She was she was living day-to-day anyway, before any of this ever happened.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

Right.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

So, you know what I mean? Yeah, we all all ought to be ready to go to be with Jesus tomorrow or to or I mean in our next breath, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Well, you're absolutely right. And and the way that you know, even when we if we get a diagnosis like Juliana got, you know, you guys have mentioned several times that she chose life. She was already choosing life before that. And she was living it a day at a time to the very best of her ability. And that's how, that's how God designed us to live it. Sometimes we are some days we're better at doing that, and some days we're not as good. But having that kind of perspective on life, I am, I am sure gave her, gave her probably more time than she would have had for somebody who who did not have that, you know, that desire and that will to continue to live on and to live well through that, through that battle.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

And you know, like the the thing that we say, she was brought diagnosed with a brain tumor. That was the first step, you know. And again, we we we just chose life day-to-day because I think it just stumped the doctor sometimes because they were always changing, changing things. And so we didn't ever focus on that. We just focused on, okay, what what's the next step in in this process? You know, how can we support Juliana? So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:34

Yeah. And you know, she she, you know, we you know, no matter what the means is uh of death, you're never, you know, it does your alter your lives forever. We're never the same individuals, but we we saw Juliana become the individuals that we prayed for her all the years that and we saw her fulfill her calling in Christ. You know, we we call her a joyful ambassador. That's what she really was. She she really wanted to be in life an ambassador in government because she got her master's in government, you know, and she had God opened so many opportunities up for her at Regent. So, but now she truly is an ambassador in heaven, you know?

SPEAKER_00 19:14

Absolutely. When you think back to those early days uh after she went home, I don't know how much experience you guys had with grief at that point. You know, we all lose grandparents, and sometimes, you know, earlier in life we we lose parents and we lose friends. But when we lose a child, even if we're acquainted with grief already, we're never, ever prepared for that level of grief. Talk a little bit about what helped you guys in that early season, particularly, the first year or two years. I think those are probably the hardest for most people. What were some things that y'all found that helped you begin processing in a healthy way and helped you as you navigated on through that grief journey?

SPEAKER_03 20:04

Well, you know, we always say, Greg, that when you love deeply, you grieve deeply, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

And, you know, it was really difficult. Juliana was not only our daughter, but she was our friend. And I'd say the first year with the pain was so intense and raw. I mean, I would cry throughout the day. I didn't even know what wailing and crying out, really, really crying deeply was was even was was, you know, until I experienced that. Even out in public, I would start crying. But you know, that was a healthy emotion for me. And it helped me, it was part of my healing, you know, part of my healing journey. Year two for me was even more difficult for both I think for both of us in some ways. A lot of people say reality set in.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Yeah.

unknown 20:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Yeah. Yeah. I think the the shock level that first year in some ways almost insulates you from what it's like that second year, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_03 21:02

Yeah, it does. And, you know, like in the early stages of grief, we'd look at each other and we'd say, This just doesn't seem real. Like we're gonna turn around and Juliana's gonna walk in the front door and call me, hey Java mama, or hey, Mamma Cita. She had various daring nicknames for me. And so it's like the reality set in the second year. How about for you, Billy?

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Yeah, Greg, you know that ver um phrase stuck in time. I find that interesting because time really seemed to stop or just very dramatically altered for us when she left because friends are moving on with birthdays, holidays, trips, grandchildren, but your time just stops. And it's like you're it's painful to look at the past and hard to look at the future, and you're left with the present where it's just kind of memories are all you really have to hold on to. Yeah. And many of those are painful, and so grief could be very paralyzing for me early on. I'd be at work and some picture or song or memory would trigger me, and I'll say, God, just help me do the next thing. We read a a book by Elizabeth Elliott, and she talked about just doing the next thing. That was really all I could focus on.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

Yeah. Those are those are good words. For you guys, uh probably in all likelihood, because it is for most couples, you know, that level of grief affects us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. What was the hardest part for you guys?

SPEAKER_03 22:32

Well, you know, well, I mean, grief, I think it's unique, like you said, to each situation and each person. Right. You know. Yeah, I think just you know, knowing we're not gonna see her again till we be go to heaven. But then knowing that's One day closer to when we will see her again.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Right.

SPEAKER_03 22:51

You know, not being able to do life with her.

The First Two Years Of Grief

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Is that what you're am I if I'm understanding your question correctly or that's that's certainly part of it, Julie. Sometimes, I guess what I was really getting at is that very often the impact of grief shows up in our lives uh with physical symptoms that sometimes mimic depression. Sometimes we, I mean, people get f have physical ailments as a result of the stress that comes from the depression or from the grief. And certainly, you know, it affects us spiritually. Sometimes even the people with the strongest faith will talk about how it just felt like it pulled the rug out from under their faith for a while. And they have sometimes we have to borrow faith from from other people that we're we're close to who are strong in their faith. So it's just a there's a it's a multi-pronged attack on us when we go through something so traumatic. And I guess that was kind of what I was getting at.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

You know, I think friends and family were so important to us holding us up during that time. I mean, we we read books and read the Bible, but there were times where we just we just needed somebody to hold us up. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 24:13

And we're what we're holistic beings. I I would say that every single area of my being was affected, you know?

unknown 24:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

I would have been shocked if you had said anything to the contrary.

SPEAKER_03 24:25

Yeah, every everything was I was affected in every in every way. I mean, I one of the things that helped me, so I started journaling. That was something that really helped me.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

And Billy, I I like that you brought up the fact that how other people helped, whether it was family members or friends, community is just absolutely critical and and and our healing journey and being able to cope with what we're trying to process after something like this happens. So I'm really glad that you brought that up. You know, it it's that's why it's so important for us to have relationships like that in place already. Because when something like that happens, it's hard at that point to try to build those kind of that kind of community. You can you can feel very isolated, very alone trying to do something that that you just have no clue how to do. But when when you have those kind of people in your life, man, it makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_03 25:33

Well, we have that. We had that, and we do now.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Yeah, we had a small group that we'd been together with for probably 20 years and kind of did life together. And our daughter also had a group of young professionals, and it was amazing how they came around us and brought meals and just were there at times where we were low. I mean, we were just low, you know.

SPEAKER_03 25:57

And I always say that my mom and dad prayed us through. I think God allowed them to be with us for a number of years more because they prayed us through, you know. My family, our my our extended family just but they just because they love all of them love Juliana too. All of our friends and family loved her. Love her, you know. So, yeah, we we couldn't do it without community, you know.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

It's just no, I think sometimes people, you know, we're in a living in a culture now where so many people think that they can they can just live independently. You know, I don't need other people. I've got my work, you know, I've got this and I've got that. I don't, I don't need, you know, a whole bunch of people in my life. And we're not talking about acquaintances, are we? We're talking about people, as Billy referred to, that you guys have been doing life with for a long time. They knew you guys inside out, you know, as it were, and you guys knew them like that. You knew that some of them you could call at two o'clock in the morning if you needed to, and they would be there for you. And that's when you discover who those people really are that that you can count on when something like that happens, even if they've never walked through it. The fact that they know you that well, you trust them, they trust you, and you can share that th that kind of stuff with them.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

Yeah, you mentioned earlier about things that maybe weren't helpful. Some people have really good intentions. They'll they'll say, I'll do anything, just tell me what to do. I don't even know what to tell you. You know, the people that get it just show up with something. Whatever God puts on your heart, do that.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:40

That's what I would tell people. Don't ask, what can I do for you? Because they don't even know. When you're deep in grief, you don't even know what to tell them.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

And that those are good words, Billy. We experience that as well. Talking about how grief affects your physical being, and that that means that it affects our brains, and our brains just are not functioning particularly well. There is such a thing as grief brain. Billy, what you said is so incredibly accurate. We don't even know what we need or what we want. So as you said, when God, if God puts it on your heart, if you see that the grass is tall in your friend's yard, maybe just take care of it. If you see that there's a pile of dirty clothes in the house if you're visiting, you know, just take care of that. Maybe wash and dry those clothes for them because they may just not have the capacity to do it that day. And you and it's people wouldn't believe what that means when they just simply step in and do something practical for us.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

We uh I had a boss that when we were going through the memorial service and everything, and people were in and out of our house, and we had two golden retrievers, and you know, we still had to care for them, so we we knew we were gonna have to put them in the kennel, and my boss said, just tell us where you're kenneling them, and we're gonna take care of that for you. Wow. You know, I can't tell you how much that meant to me, you know, just for three or four days to have that taken care of because we didn't have the the bandwidth to do anything else, and was a huge thing, practical thing. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 29:27

Meals, people showing up and bringing meals and doing a meal train, there are just so many practical ways that the body of Christ just reached out and blessed us. There's so many things, you know.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

I'm so glad that that was Shaw's experience because it's not for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Let me ask you something. This just kind of popped into my mind, and I I'll ask this out of remembering our own journey. Was it challenging to go into places that you went to regularly, routinely, grocery store, drugstore, that sort of thing? Did y'all find it really hard to go back to places like that and just walk inside knowing that you needed uh some essentials, you know, whether it was some grocery items or something for for dinner or whatever, and you almost can't bring yourself to do it.

SPEAKER_03 30:20

Yeah, I mean that that there are things that definitely many grief triggers, you know, as I say, that I might think have a memory might pop up if I'm in a particular store. I would just start crying most of the time when I went out in public for the the first year. I don't you could you probably saw me crying more than you didn't see me crying. But um and I would still I would still talk to people though. And yeah, my our other daughter says, Mom, you can talk and you can cry and have a conversation with people. But I mean, you know, people need to see that we're real. We're not gonna out feelings and emotions. But but yes, that did you any particular place you any triggers for you on going places?

SPEAKER_01 31:01

Going back to church was really hard because I would see people across the parking lot, and there's certain people that just want to enter into discussion about details that I just didn't have the ability to just go through that again. And I would kind of veer off and you know, it's it's not easy to see people that are acquaintances and maybe not your best friends that that are interested, but sometimes it's just good just to say it's good to see you. And sometimes that would when somebody would ask a question, we'd say, It's good to see you.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Yeah.

Community Help And Healthy Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 31:38

I I could not agree more. And I I was kind of chuckling a couple of seconds ago when you were sharing that, Billy, because uh that was a very, a very similar experience for us. We were not able to go back to church for probably a couple of months. Ryan died the last week of October. And I think the first time we went back to church after that was a Christmas Eve service at another church, at a family member's church. Yeah. Because we just couldn't bring ourselves to go back to our church. And it's not because they they didn't care and they weren't kind or compassionate. I don't mean that at all. We just couldn't walk through those doors. And when we started going back to church, we would purposefully get there late and leave early so that we didn't have to engage a whole lot.

SPEAKER_03 32:30

You don't want to have to make, you know, give an excuse. We don't we shouldn't have to. No, you're right. We should give ourselves, as we always say, there were several times the first six months we said, you know, we looked at each other before we went into an a situation and we'd say, let's give ourselves grace. If we're we're not ready for this, let's leave. And so and we did that at par several parties we were invited to. We just couldn't handle it. We just couldn't handle it, you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

That's very wise. I mean, you you have to know your limits, not what somebody else's expectations are, because people will continue to have expectations of us sometimes that are so unrealistic. And and they mean well, of course, because it's new for them too. I mean, chances are the majority of people have never been through what we have. And so they don't really know how to handle it either. So you do have to be kind to yourselves and you have to set the boundaries for what you can and can't do, regardless of what you think somebody else might think or say. It's just really important to you know to guard yourselves. You know, sometimes when when people lose a child, the grief is so overwhelming. And it it can just feel like it's uh you're being uh encompassed about by a cloud. And it feels like that's where you're gonna stay. You think other people see you as that couple or that individual who lost a child and we don't know what to do with them. We don't know how to relate to them. We don't know whether to invite them over for dinner, we don't know whether to invite them out to coffee or whatever it is. And I think our focus can become so pointed to our loss. That's all we think about is what we lost. We lost our child, we lost future memories, whatever that is, and it it there's a very real danger of that grief becoming our identity, and it makes it difficult to move forward. Is that making sense at all?

SPEAKER_03 34:35

I think it is for a lot of people. I mean, I think that we really look for ways to grieve well, you know.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 34:43

Like, you know, with like those that that you know, with hope.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

And that was that was where I was going with that. So let's talk about some of the ways that that you guys chose, because sometimes we do have to make deliberate choices to do things that we don't just feel like doing. We have to choose to do something different in order to get healthy again. So, what did that look like for you guys?

SPEAKER_03 35:12

Yeah, that's a good question. You know, the last week when Juliana was discharged from the hospital, she returned home. And Brian and Jessica and Billy and I were all here with her, and and it was a real sacred time. And and so hospice came in and provided support. And then after she passed, we reached back out to them after her loss and wanted to see if we could maybe even find a good counselor there. So God just again, he we made a choice. We were never ready for anything that we've done since her passing. We just made a choice that we're gonna, we're gonna reach out, and and so we we went to this um grief I call it grief 101, but it was just a basic class on grief with of all different types of loss. And we did that with our other daughter Jessica, and that was really special. And we met a a the counselor, she was a believer, and we were like, God gave, you know, brought her our way. And so we began to go to counseling for about six months, didn't we? And that was hugely helpful. It was it was helpful to have a place to process, you know, to verbally process our grief and uh thoughts, feelings, emotional in a spa a safe space.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

At times we felt like we were so stuck. And one of the best things she did for us is she said, talk about your week. You know, you got up every day, you went to work, you took care of things in the home, you might have gone to one social thing. You're doing things, you're living life, you know, and she helped because like you said, sometimes your own mind can get focused so much on the grief that you think you're just not part of the world. But yeah, she really helped us to realize, and you know, we begin walking with our golden retrievers every day, which we had to do anyway, just getting outside and being in the sunshine and walking together. For me, it's like doing two things at once. I'm walking and talking. I'm not just sitting facing my wife and talking, which can be hard sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 37:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

Yeah, and just moving, you know, just instead of because it'd be a whole lot easier just to sit and grieve and not move. So you have to make those in a routine. Right. Those deliberate choices of moving, setting routines again. And man, there's so much wisdom in the choice that you guys made to see a counselor because somebody, other people that are trained to do that can help you see things that you can't see, even about yourselves, and they can pull things out of us that we couldn't do for ourselves and give us a perspective that we don't have. We did that too. And I and I can agree with you guys that it was so incredibly beneficial, and I would recommend it to anybody who is who is in that place where the the grief is still very intense. There is no shame whatsoever, and it is not a sign of weakness to go and talk with someone.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Greg, we we kind of pushed our counselor a little bit because we said, we're we're not content with this, this general approach. Can you introduce us to other parents that have lost children? And so she formed a group with them, and then we said, you know, Kathy, our daughter's really hurting too. Can some of these bring their si their children, remaining children, and talk about adult children that uh talk about sibling loss. Yeah. Which sometimes goes with, you know, unaddressed.

SPEAKER_00 38:53

It does. Yeah, they're actually known as the forgotten mourners. It's logical from so many standpoints, because the, you know, those adult children particularly don't want to add any more of a burden to their parents. And as parents, you're just not even in a place where you think about how this impacts anybody else, because we're the ones who lost a child. And even though those those siblings are grieving in a deeper way than than we know about, I mean, and I can speak to that too, because our daughter Whitney is almost 10 years older than Ryan. So she was like a second mom to him. But we didn't really know how deeply she was grieving until years later, uh, when our when we had done a lot of healing and she was able to share more of that. So I I get what you guys are saying. And it is important for them to be able to get counseling too, if at all possible.

Counseling Retreats And Hope Of Heaven

SPEAKER_03 39:51

Yeah, one of the when I returned, you know, it was always really trying to be proactive even when we didn't feel like it. You know, when I returned to work, I had an acquaintance that gave me a book called The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy and David Guthrie. Oh, right. Yeah. That was a book that was so meaningful. It was just raw, and they had also experienced child loss. And so through that book, I was able to, we were both able to find out about the respite retreats that they offered for people. So we, you know, applied to go to one of those, and that was so helpful for us in our grief journey. It was part of our healing journey. I mean, God just really met us there. And so we, it was so good to be with other parents that get it, you know, in a retreat setting. And so we were able to connect with some really a couple that we have really become dear friends of ours.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Oh, that that is that's really great. And what you said is so true, Julie, that when you get together with people who have lived through the same trauma and loss as we have, you don't even have to explain anything to them. We just you automatically know what they're experiencing. You you know how hard it is. And you've got this instant connection like you don't have with anybody else. And that really is incredibly helpful.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

You're right. It was it is it's just so helpful. I mean, uh even to this day. I think that really kind of helped us almost like get over the hump of being stuck. Did you want to do that?

SPEAKER_01 41:27

Yeah, I was I was just gonna say, you know, for me in the beginning, it was really hard for me to read my Bible. And many times Julie would read it out loud, and we would find these other books by authors that had loss and read those together. We started questioning what is heaven all about? You know, what is it like? And really reading books on heaven. I don't know that I'd ever thought that much about heaven before, but when you have a loved one go and several loved ones, you really want to know more. And you know, it's not gonna be long before we join them there.

SPEAKER_00 42:00

I I love that. It's so interesting because I've talked to a number of other parents along the way who have said the same thing. And Billy, Kathy, and I were so hungry for information about heaven. I mean, we thought we knew about heaven because, you know, we we both were believers and had been since we were children. But you don't, as you said, you don't learn that much in church or just through reading scripture about heaven. And we craved everything we could find out about heaven and read this incredible book by Chip Ingram called The Real Heaven. It's not a real long book. Randy Alcorn wrote one called Heaven. It's much thicker. But man, those resources, you just you can't find enough of them. And I'm so glad you shared that. Let me ask you this, because this is, I think this is something that is so different for everybody. But I think in general, it's a difficult thing to deal with. After we lose a child, if you're still of working age, it's going back to work and facing all of those people that you worked with every day, and facing clients or facing students. And you just, I don't know about y'all, but that was one of the hardest things that I had to think about was going back to work. And I was very blessed. My my company allowed me to stay out of work with full pay for a couple of months. What was that like for you guys? What was the hardest part about that?

SPEAKER_03 43:33

Well, my my job, I was a school social worker, so I did have my own office, which was so helpful. And they I started going back after taking maybe about a month off for bereavement. I started going back part-time for a few weeks. And then we had a like an Easter holiday, and then I went back full-time and just took for the remainder of the year. So I was given a lot of grace. You know, I remember my principal saying, you know, if you if you need to, you can go out and take a break out in the car or, you know, just transition however it works for you. But and it was good for me to get on into a routine and and all, but at the same time it was it was difficult. Because I remember walking down the hall one day and one of my one of the uh staff members said, Oh, I haven't had a chance to speak to you yet. And they wanted to let me know how they'd been thinking about me and praying for me. And I just burst out into tears. But you know, it it and then they said, Oh, I didn't mean to get you upset. And I said, Well, I'm already, I'm already sad. I'm already thinking about our beloved Juliana. And so you didn't make me cry. I was gonna probably cry anyway.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

Right, right, right. I think one of the challenges, and I I'm as guilty as anybody, but is to have people know but then say nothing because you want to talk about your child. You're thinking about him all the time. And I know they don't mean it this way, but as if nothing had happened. But you know, may maybe that they're so uncomfortable they don't know where to approach you, but just to be able to have conversation and you know, ask ask a question.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

I really appreciate you guys sharing that because I think that's something that's so important for people who are looking in from the outside to understand. Is as you guys said, one of our greatest fears as parents who have lost a child is that everybody's going to eventually forget about our child. They'll forget they ever lived. And we crave opportunities to talk about our child. We love to hear other people say their name or to just, as you said, to ask ask a question. And I've heard it said that sometimes people do nothing because they're afraid that if they do anything, they're going to remind us that we lost our child. So let's be real clear. We never forget that we lost our child. So you're not reminding us that we did. You're simply reminding us that you remember our child, and you remember that we're going through the hardest thing that we've ever faced in our lives, and you're not ignoring us. Right.

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Because it it's it's almost like a barrier between you until it is acknowledged. It is. And then it absolutely is. Yeah.

Turning Pain Into Restoring Hope

SPEAKER_00 46:37

Before we go, I do want to talk about something that I think anybody who is who is a believer will understand this. And if you're not, then, then maybe this is something that would would be beneficial. We know that there's a very um well-known and a very, very much loved verse, uh, and it's Romans 8.28. And it talks about how God uses everything in the life of one of his children to bring about good. And that means even things that from a human perspective only are so horrible. And when we lose a child, you know, you can't imagine anything good coming out out of it. But we know that God can redeem things that were meant for evil for good. He can redeem a death for good. And I think for you guys, you know, I've heard evidences of that in our conversations today, as well as when we talked several months ago. But you guys were able to uh out of your grief and out of how God has healed you throughout this journey over the last eight years, you guys started a ministry. And so I'd like for you just to take a couple of minutes and tell us about that, what that looks like and and and who and who it is that you guys focus on.

SPEAKER_03 48:00

Well, you know, speaking of Romans 8.28, that's my life verse. I mean, it is and it's taken on a whole new meaning with experiencing the loss. It's just it it has. I mean, we we say now that his choice and his way for our timing, for our good and his glory, you know, but that doesn't mean we really understand, but we trust. That that's what we we say about Romans 8.28. Yes. And we know that if Juliana trusted Jesus during her whole sixteen to seventeen months of of treatment, you know, during her pain and suffering, you know what? We can step out in faith and trust Jesus. Continue to trust him day to day. We know that he has a purpose and we are seeing that unfold.

SPEAKER_00 48:50

Yeah, if we're still alive, we have a purpose, Greg. Absolutely. And what's the name of the ministry, y'all? I'm trying to remember, but I'm blanking.

SPEAKER_03 48:58

Well, yeah. During COVID, we begin to hear of so many other parents that had experienced adult child loss that so in 2021 with the encouragement and support of of many people, you know, just I can't even begin to tell you everybody. We we formed a a group, ministry group called Restoring Hope.

SPEAKER_00 49:22

Right, right, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 49:23

And it's for bereaved parents. Yes, it's for bereaved parents who have experienced adult child loss. And we just want to come alongside them and let them know they're not alone, provide, you know, biblical hope and education and just a safe space for them to, you know, to tell, share their story and have discussion and you know, just be there.

SPEAKER_00 49:47

Is this something y'all do in the form of of groups where you you you get together locally in Greensboro, or is it something you guys do online or both?

SPEAKER_03 49:57

That's a great question. It's it's local. It's actually we we use the space uh at a chur a local church.

SPEAKER_00 50:03

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 50:04

We we do, yes.

SPEAKER_00 50:05

And y y'all meet together weekly or monthly?

SPEAKER_03 50:08

And we meet monthly. Monthly.

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Monthly. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 50:11

We found that people that people some people are if they're doing other like grief counseling or other things more than once a month is just too much emotionally to handle and to process. And so if they're especially in their grief, or even if they're they've been bereaved parents for a number of years. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:31

Yeah. I think that's very important to recognize that it's sometimes, as we talked about earlier, it's about setting guardrails, you know, around our grief. And sometimes once a week can be can be a bit too much. If somebody in the Greensboro, in the general Greensboro area, wanted to get in touch with you guys and talk about the possibility, how would be the best way for them to do that, Julie?

SPEAKER_03 50:57

Well, right now we don't have a website yet, but that's something I want to we want to do in the future. Okay. But they can just they can just reach out to me at my email.

SPEAKER_02 51:07

Okay. You want to do that?

SPEAKER_03 51:09

You can put that in in the notes, yes. Julie then email Julie R Melton, M-E-L-T-O-N at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 51:17

Okay. Yeah. I'll be glad to include that in your episode summary. Well, guys, thank you so much for coming and being our guest today and sharing your story and introducing us to Juliana and and and just giving us glimpses into your grief journey and your healing journey. I think it's so important for people who are in different stages, or I shouldn't say stages, because I don't really believe that, but in different seasons of grief. To hear how somebody else who's eight years into the process is doing today versus what it was like in that early season where it's so deep and acute and traumatic to see that there is there is hope. There, there is life again, and you can even find joy again. And of course, we believe that that hope is a person, it's Jesus Christ. And we believe that the joy and the the meaning and purpose in our lives comes from Him and that relationship we we have with Him. And I am just so thankful to see how well you guys are doing today. I love that you're reaching out to other people who are grieving as well and trying to help them. And, you know, I hope that your ministry continues to grow and unfold, and that at some point in the future you'll have a website and maybe who knows what God wants to do with it.

SPEAKER_03 52:49

Thanks, Greg. Thank you, Greg. We we know that you know this is not the end, and that we will see our Juliana again, and we'll see Jesus face to face, and we're really looking forward to that day when we're all reunited again.

SPEAKER_00 53:04

So Amen. Completely understand that. And I my wife and I look forward to that day as well. Sometimes it just can't come soon enough.

SPEAKER_03 53:17

Soon enough. That's right. That's right. But in the meanwhile, we we know that again, God has a purpose and a plan for each person walking through grief. And just I would say just look for ways to serve, and he will open doors for for for them.

SPEAKER_00 53:31

And He will. He absolutely will. And and He'll use that in your healing process as well.

SPEAKER_01 53:38

Serving has definitely be been a part of our healing and our journey.

SPEAKER_03 53:44

And God's opened the doors for us to be, you know, with several different organizations. Our hearts are home, and while we're waiting to to you know, be part of those groups, too.

Final Words And Contact Details

SPEAKER_00 53:54

So those are great organizations, uh great ministries. I love both. Amen. I know the folks. I know the Gary and Laura and and and Jill and Brad. Those are incredible and very godly people. And so they are.

SPEAKER_03 54:10

They're just amazing.

SPEAKER_00 54:12

They they really are. So, guys, thank you for sharing your hearts today. Thank you so much for being my guest. I have loved the conversation that we've had today and look forward to hearing more good things from you guys.

SPEAKER_03 54:27

Thank you so much, Greg.

SPEAKER_00 54:28

Thanks, Greg.