In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about the scale of highly sensitive to narcissism and my own take on it, what I've seen to be true working with clients over the last sort of cracking nearly four years now, and the differences between the two things. If you want to read a different perspective on this, elaine Aron has got a great blog post. I'll put the link in the show notes that you can go in and read up on that as well. This was something that came up in our Mindset Monday, which we do every week in the Facebook group, which is also called Sensitive Changemakers. We were talking about that scale of why it's important for highly sensitive people to actually look at what they want and what they desire and how that isn't. If you imagine a scale, on one end you've got the people police and tendencies they're doing everything for everybody else but never considering yourself on the one end. Then on the other end you've got that narcissistic tendencies of everything's about me and that kind of yeah, everything's about me For highly sensitive people, for the majority of the people that I've worked with and with myself included. So I can't obviously speak for everybody here, but my experiences are that most highly sensitive people are more on the people-pleasing side of the scale. They're very much aware of what other people are feeling and trying to put everybody else at ease. They don't like confrontations. They're very much in that just make everybody happy. They may struggle with making small decisions. I feel that my gut feeling and my experiences have told me that highly sensitive people are just as good as anybody else at making big decisions. They get very passionate when they get their heart set on something. They're very good at moving things forward. It doesn't mean that they don't take into consideration the people, but big things they tend to make decisions about.
Micro-decisions is something else. I feel like micro-decisions are one of those things that, because highly sensitive people and again I am generalising here. There are always going to be differences, but my experiences are that and myself included here because we don't see the huge importance of tiny little decisions, we're quite happy for other people to make decisions for us. So I'm thinking of, like, what do you want for dinner, or where do you want to go for a walk, or what film do you want to watch? And obviously if those things hit on a passion of ours, then that's something different, but if it doesn't, then we're quite happy to kind of go into that. I'm going to just call it kind of people please, and tend to say well, we go whatever you want, you know, whatever you would like to do. And so those micro decisions I always find that we do kind of fall into making sure that other people are happy. We don't like confrontation and we want to make sure that everybody's got what they need and that they're all okay. And so most highly sensitive people are very much on that end of the scale.
And what I really was kind of getting my point across in Mindset Monday today and what I really want you to take away from this episode, is how important it is for highly sensitive people to get into that middle, to get into that balance. So we're not on the narcissistic kind of extreme, but we're sort of bringing ourselves into that balance, bringing ourselves into the middle of the scale where we are thinking about ourselves every so often, where we are thinking about what our wants and desires are, where we are thinking what do I want to give my energy to, what do I want to give, want to give my time to, rather than defaulting to that people pleasing that let's avoid confrontation, let's make sure everybody else is happy, which you know has got its own beautiful kind of gifts in that. There's so many nuggets of real beauty that we can pull out of that. You know, making sure that people are happy and understanding how other people are feeling, and that empathy and that understanding and that compassion, those are all such beautiful gifts. But as my dad always said, everything in moderation. And I, that is something that has kind of travelled with me throughout my life and I keep coming back to it because he's so right everything in moderation. So, yes, that's such a beautiful thing to be able to offer people, but what point does it become? It sort of moves away from kindness into people pleasing and not putting ourselves first at all.
And so I think it's really important, when we are highly sensitive, that we do bring ourselves however that may look like for us, but bringing ourselves back into that centre of that scale, that balance of that scale. So there are opportunities for us to think about what we want and desire. And on the back of that, something else that really comes up for me here is the sort of pull away that people do when I talk about wants and desires. Five, six years ago I would have been one of those people. When I'm talking to people about this, you can physically see it in them. They kind of pull back physically and sort of verbally from the conversation. Ooh, you can tell that they're doing that. Ooh, no, I can't talk about what I want. That's selfish. I can't talk about what I desire. That's mean I've got to think about other people and, yes, we live in a society. You have got friends and families and of course, there has to be consideration for other people.
So again, going back to that scale, where are you on that scale? Do you default to other people all the time? Are you down on that people pleasing scale where you very rarely think about yourself, you very rarely think about what you want and desire, because you're always preempting what other people need and what they desire. If so, I really would invite you to ask yourself some different questions, to get to what it is that you would really like, and to normalize that wanting and desiring things doesn't make you selfish or mean, and I know I've said this before, but I truly believe it.
The more that you step into what lights you up, the more you step into what you truly want and what really gets you excited, the more you're going to inspire those around you to do the same and the more energy you will have, because those things are lighting you up, they're energizing you. You've got more energy to do that. That means you have that. You have that kind of that store of excess energy and extra oomph if you like to help and support those people around you, more so than you would do if you were doing the kind of day to day grind that you hate and that zaps your energy and you've got nothing left to give to your kids at the end of the day and all you do is kind of you've got very little patience and so you're doing something you hate or do you go home. You then have very little patience. When your kids ask you for something, you bite back you, you kind of maybe not shout, but your responses to things might be really short, your understanding maybe. You kind of really dampened, you may not have that, those stores of energy to give to your family because you are zapped from what you've done that day.
And I think if more people did what they actually truly enjoyed and lit them up, then we would actually find that kindness expanded it didn't reduce it expanded because we had that store of energy to be there for other people, you know, to understand what they're going through and to really enjoy that empathy side of ourselves, especially as highly sensitive people, which is always there. But there's two sides to empathy isn't there. There can be the kind of draining side. That the side that is that kind of link to the people, pleasing that I don't really want to upset them or I don't want to confront them about this because that's going to be really tough for them and I don't want to put them through. That is opposed to empathy, where you want to be there for somebody else because you've got the energy to, you've got the time to sit down with people and support them. Those two things are incredibly different and they come from how you approach life and how you want to be and how you want your future to look, and I think it's really important for us to really think about what we like and what we want and what we desire for our future, and so I'm hoping that makes sense. So far, so we've kind of talked about the scale from narcissism to sort of people pleasing and where highly sensitive people fall in that, and I've also touched on that kind of highly sensitive people not wanting to look at what they want in desire and thinking that selfish, and I'm kind of hoping that I supported you in seeing a different perspective there.
And the last thing I really want to talk about is how to bring ourselves back into that balance, and one of the ways that we can do this is by going inward. So a lot of people look externally for support and absolutely you know there is a time and place for that, but you have all the answers inside you and this is why I love coaching, because that's what coaching does. It asks the questions that you need to be asked to draw out those negative information, and so I really want to invite you to turn inward and to first of all look at the inner dialogue that's going on inside your head. Everybody has an inner dialogue. It's one of the most important conversations relationships you will have ever have is with yourself, because your inner dialogue, your thoughts, they then have an impact on your emotions and how you're feeling. They impact your behaviors, they impact on your actions. You're taking all the actions you're not taking, and so everything really comes down to the relationship of the conversation you're having with yourself, that inner dialogue.
And one of the things I really loved about learning about neuro linguistic programming was the importance of language. Now, I'm, you know, a linguist anyway. I love languages, but in terms of the language that we use to talk to ourselves, that's so important, and one of the ways that we can kind of highlight how much we are people pleasing or how much we are not looking at what we want in desire is the word should. How many times do you use the word should? How many times do you have that in a dialogue where you're going to should do that, I've got to get up because I've got to go and do this, or I have to do this, or should do this.
Should is a great word, because it really allows you to think about whose voice that is, because for the most part, when you've got a should in, it's not a want or a desire, it is somebody else's voice, it's somebody else's expectations, and you may not be consciously aware of it. It might not be something that is clear cut. It might be a voice that was consistently there when you were a child and you've kind of internalised it, thinking that it's your own. And that's why that awareness around the word should can be really handy here, because it enables us to dig a bit deeper. Okay, so that's, I'm telling myself I should do that.
So you know, why is that there? Whose voice is that? Where's that expectation coming from? What if I didn't do it? What would that look like if I didn't do that? And just kind of getting really curious about it. No judgement here. There's no blame or judgement, just curiosity around the should, like, where is that coming from?
Do I really want to give my time and energy to that should? Is it in alignment with who I am? Is it in alignment with my values and my strengths? And if you're not sure what your values and strengths are, again, no worries about that. You know it wasn't something I was aware of for a long time. Please do reach out. I've got a wonderful strengths intensive where we actually do look at what your five top strengths are and how they play out in your life and how we can embrace those more on a daily basis. So do reach out if that is something you're not sure about, if that's not something you've considered. But going back to these should like do I want to give my time and energy to this? Is it important to who I am, to whom up, to what my values are, to what my strengths are? And if it is okay, that's great. You can kind of work it, what that would look like for you.
If it isn't, which is the most part of it? If it isn't, then that comes up again around boundaries and around having difficult conversations, and difficult conversations for all of us are difficult, it's uncomfortable, it's not nice, and I think that goes doubly for highly sensitive people. We will do anything to avoid confrontation or upsetting people or having those difficult conversations, and I definitely include myself in this and it's been one of those things where, okay, so I don't like difficult conversations, I don't like confrontation, so how can I have those conversations? Let's remove the word difficult, let's remove the word confrontation. How can I have compassionate conversations, how can I have conversations where people are talking about what is right for them and their values and that includes me, but it includes the other person as well and just being okay with knowing that if things don't go according to plan or how you've got them in your head, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you've, you know yourself, we show that you mean, or any of those other words.
And okay, something that really comes up for me here is is that kind of self-trust and that self-belief in yourself as you're navigating through these conversations, these conversations with compassion, whatever you want to rename them, is it all comes down to having that trust and that belief that you are okay just as you are, that you don't need that external validation from people, that who you are right now is okay and it's beautiful and you have everything you need inside you to make things work. And, yes, that might mean that things don't go according to plan, do they ever? But again, that's okay Having that internal, that internal kind of reassurance that it is working out for you. And I think those things combined and I know I've talked. I've hit on quite a lot there in terms of inner dialogue, in terms of looking at your shoulds, in terms of boundaries, in terms of difficult conversations. You know that's a lot there.
That's a huge amount of stickiness for a lot of us and it will take some kind of prizing apart, like taking the bits apart and kind of making some small steps in the direction that you want to go in and navigating through these bits as you do take those steps. So what I really want to leave you with today and I realise this is quite a short, sharp one is number one get clear on your values and your strengths and if you don't know what those are, please do ask for help. I would love to support you. It's a one-off session. Get in touch for prices and things like that. It's quite reasonable. So if you want that, please do ask.
And once you've got your values and strengths in place and you know you can use that as kind of a foundation in thinking about okay, I know these are my values and my strengths. What do I really want in life, what do I really desire? Okay, so how can I take steps towards that? And, as I'm taking steps towards that, how can I navigate this stickiness that comes up, this confrontation that I might have to have, these conversations that I might have to have, these shoulds that might pop up? How can I navigate through those? And so I really want you to show yourself some compassion, to think about things in terms of small steps rather than huge jumps, and think about how you can navigate through that while you're showing compassion to yourself and to those around you, so it removes that kind of icky difficultness that you might find through other people who are quite.
I'm sure we've all met somebody who's really blunt on. I'm not doing this. This is what I think and for most of us listening to this, we're not those kinds of people. We are more of the. This is what I think, but I'm not sure. Are you okay with this? What would you like? You know there's a huge amount of that within all of us and, as I said before, that is beautiful.
But I really want to encourage you today is to think about your wants and your desires and how you can take those small steps, navigate through what might be sticky for you while showing yourself and other people compassion, and so let me know what comes up for you. Like I said, I know that I've gone over a huge amount there and I could probably spend an episode on each individual strand. Maybe I'll do that. If that's something you would like to do, let me know, but I'm hoping that kind of makes sense. What I really, one of the aims that I think I have in life the more I do this, is encouraging people to look at their wants and desires, to actually normalize that and to know that it's not selfish or mean. And I think for highly sensitive people, as I said before, that can feel even more. It can feel even tougher. So see what comes up for you, go slowly, compassionately, and if you need any support as you're going through this, please do give me a shout. I would love to kind of support you through this this time. I know it can be tough and I know a lot of different things come up for you.
But the last thing I'm going to say to you is what if you did have what you wanted and desired, how would that shift how you're feeling every day? How would it shift your inner dialogue and remember what I said earlier your inner dialogue that impacts your emotions, that impacts your behaviors, that impacts your action. So just by changing our inner dialogue and thinking about what we want and desire has an impact on the way that we feel, has an impact on the behavior and the way that we act, and it has an impact on the decisions that we take, and so our lives could be transformed in months time. If we just shift that thinking into desiring and wanting is selfish to what do I want, what do I desire, and then what comes up for me around that, what's the stickiness? What are the things that I'm going to have to navigate through?
How can I do that compassionately? Where do I need support if things feel too tough or I'm struggling too much? And just let me know what comes up for you. And I'm sending you so much love because I've been here and I still go through it from time to time. This is not a checklist, it is a journey, so please do let me know what comes up for you. Give me a shout if you need anything and I'll be back next week for another episode. Okay, lots of love, bye.