# 156 - Learning to Be Alone: The Psychology of Internal Validation

In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores a psychological skill that quietly shapes the quality of our relationships and our sense of self: the ability to be alone in a healthy way.

Many people assume relationship struggles are about love. Often, they are actually about validation. When our sense of worth depends on someone else’s attention, approval, or reassurance, our emotional center begins to live outside of us. This can create cycles of anxiety, dependency, and fear of rejection that feel like connection but are actually rooted in insecurity.

In Learning to Be Alone: The Psychology of Internal Validation, we explore why humans crave validation, why some people struggle deeply with being alone, and how developing internal validation can change the way we experience relationships.

Drawing from psychological research and the work of scholars such as Roy Baumeister, Nathaniel Branden, John Bowlby, Donald Winnicott, Kristin Neff, and Erich Fromm, this episode examines the difference between external approval and internal stability.

You will also learn how attachment patterns shape our need for reassurance, why modern culture makes solitude harder than ever, and how building internal validation allows relationships to become healthier, calmer, and more authentic.

The healthiest relationships are not built on emotional survival.
They are built on two people who already know their worth.

Learning to be alone is not about isolation.
It is about becoming whole enough that love becomes a choice rather than a necessity.

📚 Savory Reader Stack (Book Recommendations)
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem - Nathaniel Branden
• The Need to Belong - Roy Baumeister & Mark Leary
• Attached - Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
• Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff
• The Art of Loving - Erich Fromm
• Reclaiming Conversation - Sherry Turkle
• The Power of Attachment - Diane Poole Heller

🌿 Connect with The Lemon Tree Community
Instagram: @thelemontreecoaching
Educational resources: The Lemon Tree by AKS on Teachers Pay Teachers

Support Resources

This podcast is for educational and reflective purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health care.

If you or someone you know is struggling or experiencing a crisis, help is available.
In the United States, you can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day.
You deserve support, and you do not have to go through difficult moments alone.

Thank you for listening to The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast. 🌿

Transcript

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Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where psychology, storytelling, and personal growth intertwine. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli, and this is a space where we explore the deeper patterns that shape our relationships, our healing, and our sense of self. Today's episode is about a psychological skill that almost no one teaches us directly, but that quietly shapes the health of every relationship we enter. And that skill is this: the ability to be alone in a healthy way. Not isolated, not emotionally shut down, not pretending you don't need people, but learning how to feel whole within yourself rather than needing someone else to make you feel complete. Because the truth is, many of the most painful relationship dynamics people experience are not actually about love. They are about external validation. They are about needing someone else to confirm that we matter, that we are worthy, and that we are lovable. And when our sense of worth becomes dependent on someone else's attention, affection, or approval, we lose something incredibly important. Our psychological center. Before we begin, a quick reminder: this podcast is for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you are struggling with your mental health or experiencing a crisis, please reach out for support. In the United States, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Okay, let's get into this week's episode. So let's start with an important truth. The desire for validation is completely human. Humans are social beings. Our brains literally evolved around the need for connection. Psychologist Roy Baumeister, author of The Need to Belong, explains that belonging is one of the most fundamental human motivations. Our brains are wired to seek acceptance because historically being rejected by the group meant something very serious. It meant survival risk. So when we feel validated by others, when someone listens to us, understands us, or values us, our brain releases dopamine and oxytocin. Connection literally feels good neurologically. But the problem begins when validation becomes our primary source of identity. And psychologist Nathaniel Brandon, author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, wrote extensively about the difference between self-esteem that comes from within and self-esteem that depends on outside approval. External validation says, tell me I'm worthy. Internal validation says, I already know I am. When someone has not developed internal validation, they often unconsciously outsource their self-worth. They look for partners, friends, bosses, or even social media audiences to confirm their value. And when that validation disappears, so does their sense of self. And this is where things start to affect relationships. When someone needs another person to feel emotionally complete, the relationship becomes psychologically loaded. Suddenly, the relationship is no longer just about love, it becomes about identity maintenance. And research and attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowby and later explained by Mary Ainsworth, shows that individuals with anxious attachment styles often rely heavily on others for emotional regulation. They feel stable when the relationship feels secure. But when attention decreases or distance appears, their nervous system experiences significant distress. Why? Because their sense of safety lives outside themselves. And this can lead to overanalyzing communication, emotional hypervigilance, fear of rejection, and needing constant reassurance. And when validation becomes the emotional fuel of the relationship, it can create cycles of dependency that feel like love but are actually anxiety. Healthy relationships are not built on emotional survival, they are built on mutual connection between two psychologically stable individuals. And psychological stability requires the ability to sit with yourself. And there's a big difference between loneliness and healthy solitude. Loneliness is the painful feeling of being disconnected. Solitude is the ability to be alone without feeling abandoned. And psychiatrist Donald Winnicott described this ability as the capacity to be alone in the presence of oneself. And Winnicott believed this was one of the most important psychological developments in adulthood. And because when someone can tolerate their own internal experience, their thoughts, their feelings, their quiet moments, they no longer need another person to constantly regulate their emotional state. They can be in a relationship by choice, not by survival. And another researcher who studied this is Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation. She warns that modern culture has actually weakened our ability to tolerate solitude. And we fill every quiet moment with phones, messages, notifications, and social media validation, which means we rarely sit with ourselves long enough to develop internal stability. When the mind never learns to self-soothe, it becomes dependent on external stimulation to feel okay. And that dependency often shows up in relationships. So why does external validation feel so addictive? External validation is powerful because it temporarily regulates emotional insecurity. Like when someone compliments us, when someone texts us, when someone chooses us, we feel relief. But here's the psychological catch. Relief is not the same as self-worth. Relief is temporary. Self-worth is stable. And psychologist Edward Dessey, that's D E C I, known for self-determination theory, found that people who rely primarily on external rewards and approval often experience lower long-term well-being compared to those who develop intrinsic motivation. And intrinsic motivation means you value yourself because of your internal standards and identity, not because someone else approves. And when external validation becomes the main source of worth, the brain becomes conditioned to seek it repeatedly. And this is why some people feel intense emotional highs when receiving attention and intense emotional lows when that attention disappears. It becomes a psychological roller coaster, and relationships become the ride. Before we continue today's conversation, I want to take a moment to thank those of you who are part of the Lemon Tree Coaching community online. If these episodes resonate with you, you can find more reflection, psychology insights, and visual storytelling over on Instagram at the Lemon Tree Coaching. That space has become a beautiful little corner of the internet where psychology, emotional growth, and symbolic storytelling meet. And for those of you who are educators, counselors, or lifelong learners, many of the psychological film studies, classroom resources, and reflective activities discussed on this podcast are available in my Teachers Pay Teacher shop, The Lemon Tree by AKS. Those resources are designed to help students explore literature, film, identity, emotional intelligence, and psychological insight in meaningful ways. You can find the link to both Instagram and Teachers Pay Teachers in the show notes. Okay, let's return to today's conversation. So, what does internal validation actually look like? Internal validation doesn't mean you never appreciate praise. It means praise is not necessary for you to feel valuable. Internal validation sounds like, I know I did my best, I know my intentions were honest, I know my worth even if someone misunderstands me. Psychologist Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion, explains that individuals who practice self-compassion develop a more stable emotional identity because their sense of worth does not fluctuate as dramatically with external circumstances. Self-compassion includes three components. First, self-kindness, second, recognition of shared humanity, and third, mindful awareness of emotional experiences. And when people learn to validate themselves internally, something interesting happens in relationships. They become less reactive. They do not interpret every delay in communication as rejection. They do not chase approval. They can tolerate disagreement because their self-worth does not collapse when someone else is disappointed or distant. And ironically, this often makes relationships healthier because people who feel internally stable are not trying to extract identity from the relationship. They are simply participating in it. And for many people, being alone activates deeper psychological wounds. Sometimes solitude triggers childhood neglect memories, attachment trauma, feelings of abandonment, identity uncertainty. And research on attachment trauma by Dr. Diane Poole Heller, the author of The Power of Attachment, shows that individuals who experienced inconsistent caregiving may develop a deep fear of emotional disconnection. When those individuals are alone, their nervous system can interpret it as danger, which means learning healthy solitude is not always easy. It may require healing earlier experiences where being alone actually did feel unsafe. But when people gradually learn that they can hold themselves emotionally, that they can comfort their own internal world, something powerful happens. They stop searching for someone else to complete them. And instead, they meet others as two complete people. And here's one of the quiet paradoxes of love. The people who are most capable of deep, secure relationships are often the ones who are not afraid of being alone because they are choosing the relationship, not clinging to it. And psychologist Eric Fromm, author of The Art of Loving, wrote that mature love involves two individuals who remain psychologically whole while connecting deeply with one another. He wrote, Love is the active concern for the life and growth of that which we love. But growth cannot occur when someone feels responsible for maintaining another person's entire emotional identity. When someone learns to internally validate themselves, relationships become lighter, more authentic, less desperate because love is no longer filling an emotional void. It is expanding an already stable life. So, how do we actually develop this ability? It usually begins with small practices of self-reflection and emotional awareness. And this might include journaling your internal experiences, spending intentional time alone without distraction, learning to self-soothe during emotional discomfort, developing personal goals independent of relationships, or building identity through creativity, learning, and purpose. And psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, believed that individuals grow most when they learn to trust their internal experiences. He called this organismic trust, and it means listening inward rather than constantly looking outward for approval. And when someone begins trusting their internal compass, they no longer need constant confirmation from others. They know who they are. And learning to be alone in a healthy way is not about rejecting relationships. It is about entering relationships from a place of wholeness rather than hunger. Because when we rely on others to confirm our worth, we often accept relationships that do not actually nourish us. But when we know our worth internally, something shifts. We become more discerning, more peaceful, more emotionally stable, and we no longer need someone else to make us feel full. We bring our fullness with us. Okay, so there you have it. Thank you for spending this time with me today on the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need this reminder. You can also connect with the Lemon Tree Coaching community on Instagram at the Lemon TreeCoaching, where we continue many of these conversations. And a kind reminder that this podcast is intended for educational and reflective purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you or someone you love is struggling or experiencing a crisis, please reach out for help. In the United States, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. Support is available and you deserve care. And until next time, this is Dr. Allison Sukamelli. Take care of your mind, take care of your heart, and keep growing. I'll see you next week.