# 159 - The Psychology of Playing Victim, Avoiding Direct Conversation, & Going Behind Someone’s Back

In this episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores the psychology behind a frustrating and often painful dynamic: when someone plays the victim, talks behind your back, and avoids addressing issues directly. Through a deeper lens, this behavior is unpacked as a mix of avoidance, image management, and triangulation - patterns that distort communication and shift focus away from true resolution.

If you’ve ever felt misrepresented, excluded from your own narrative, or caught in indirect conflict, this episode helps you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface. More importantly, it offers a grounded perspective on how to respond - without over-explaining, internalizing, or losing your sense of self.

This conversation is a reminder that not all conflict is meant to be resolved - some reveals capacity. And recognizing that can be the moment you stop chasing clarity and start anchoring in your own truth. 

Disclaimer:
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, diagnosis, or medical advice.

Mental Health Resources:
If this topic brings up difficult emotions, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Consider reaching out to a licensed therapist or counselor for support. If you are in the U.S., you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7. You can also chat via 988lifeline.org. If you are outside the U.S., local crisis lines and mental health services are available in most countries—please seek support in your area.

Transcript

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Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where psychology, storytelling, and personal growth intertwine. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli. And today we're talking about a question that recently pumped into my head again due to personal interactions and history, and also something that is incredibly common, deeply frustrating, and honestly quietly damaging in relationships. That question is what is someone doing when they play victim and go behind someone's back and not address what they are claiming the problem is? And if this has happened to you before, it's easy for people to tell you or for you to think, well, I can just ignore this person. But depending on who they are and what role they play in your life, it may not be so easy to accomplish just ignoring them, especially if it affects opportunities or your livelihood. And if you're feeling like this world is insane, you're not alone because it is. And I fell in love with a song this week that I was not familiar with before. You've probably heard it, but it's Morgan Wallen's I'm a Little Crazy. And the lyric that grabbed my attention is I'm a little crazy, but the world's insane. And I first heard this lyric on American Idol by a female artist, Bella Emery. And I'll leave a link to the segment in the episode bio, but it spoke to me, and I'm glad that that song came into my world. And of course, the song has its own narrative, but that line really stood out to me and offers a variety of interpretations to the listener. But returning to this week's question, what is someone doing when they play the victim? And go behind someone's back and not address what they are claiming the problem is. What I'm asking or describing just isn't about playing the victim, it's actually a combination of indirect communication, avoidance, and image management. And underneath the confusion that accompanies a situation for person B, there's often something deeper. And to clarify, person A talks to person C about person B, if that makes sense. But person B experiences a sense of being misrepresented, a sense of their voice being removed from their own story. So today we're going to examine what's actually happening psychologically when someone behaves in this way. So not just on the surface, but underneath it. Because once you understand the why, you stop internalizing what was never yours to carry in the first place. And as always, a quick reminder that this podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If you are struggling, please consider reaching out to a licensed professional. And if you are in the United States, you can contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for support. Okay, let's get into this week's episode. So at the core of this pattern is avoidance of direct accountability. Direct communication requires something many people are not comfortable with. It requires vulnerability, clarity, and the willingness to be challenged or even wrong. To say something like, hey, this hurt me is to risk discomfort. So instead of stepping into that discomfort, some people avoid it entirely. They process the issue everywhere except where it actually belongs, which is with you. But once they begin talking to others instead of you, another layer forms, control of the narrative. And when someone goes behind your back, they are often shaping how others perceive the situation before you ever have a chance to speak. They may share a one-sided version of events, omit their own role, and position themselves as the hurt or misunderstood one. And this is where playing the victim becomes functional. It serves to protect their image and influence perception. And from there, the dynamic expands into something even more destabilizing, triangulation. And instead of a direct exchange between two people, a third person is pulled in. Communication shifts from person A speaking to person B into person A speaking to person C about person B. And this creates distortion. It invites bias, misinterpretation, and emotional layering that complicates the original issue. It may feel safer in the moment, offering validation and support, but it prevents actual resolution and often fuels unnecessary conflict. And it's important to acknowledge that not all of this behavior is consciously manipulative. For some individuals, this reflects emotional immaturity or a lack of communication skills. They may not have learned how to express discomfort directly or navigate conflict in a healthy way. Confrontation can feel threatening, so they default to what feels safer, venting, complaining, or gossiping, even when it causes harm. And understanding this adds context, but it does not make the behavior healthy. And another key layer here is the self-protective victim identity. And another key layer here is the self-protective victim identity. When someone consistently positions themselves as the victim, it allows them to avoid examining their own role in the situation. If they are the one who was wronged, they don't have to ask, how did I contribute to this? Accountability requires self-reflection, and a self-reflection often brings discomfort. So instead, the narrative protects them. And alongside this is a strong pull toward validation without contradiction. When someone goes to others instead of coming to you, they are often seeking agreement, not understanding. They want reassurance that they are right, that they were wronged, and that their perspective is justified. And while that validation may soothe them temporarily, it does not resolve anything. It simply reinforces the story. And what often emerges from all of this is passive-aggressive behavior. The conflict is still present, but it is expressed indirectly through side conversations, subtle comments, or shifts in behavior. It creates an emotional undercurrent that you can feel even when nothing is being addressed directly. And that can leave you feeling confused, off balance, and questioning yourself. So, what does this mean for you if you are not on the receiving end? It means this dynamic is not a reflection of your worth or your ability to communicate. It is a reflection of their capacity. It often indicates that they are not operating from an emotional clarity or readiness for direct adult-level communication. It also means that resolution may not be their goal, perception is. And that distinction is important. Because when someone is invested in being seen as right, rather than actually resolving the issue, you are no longer participating in a conversation. You are being placed into a narrative. So here is the grounded truth I want you to take with you. Someone who talks about you instead of to you, who builds a case instead of a conversation, who seeks agreement instead of understanding, is not trying to solve a problem. They are trying to feel justified. And when you understand that, something shifts. You stop chasing clarity from someone who is not offering it. You stop over-explaining yourself to people who were never part of the actual conversation. And you stop trying to fix something that was never brought to you in the first place. Instead, you anchor. You can say if there's an issue, I'm open to talking about it directly. And then you step back because healthy communication requires participation from both people. You cannot create directness with someone committed to indirectness. And this is where boundaries become powerful. Not reactive or dramatic boundaries, but clear, grounded ones. Boundaries that remove you from triangulation and protect your energy. Boundaries that reinforce that you engage in direct, respectful communication, not second-hand narratives. And I also want to acknowledge the emotional impact of this. Being talked about instead of talked to can feel deeply invalidating. It can bring up frustration, hurt, anger, and even self-doubt. You may find yourself questioning what you did or whether you missed something. But here's where you come back to yourself. You can ask, did I act in alignment with my values? Was I open to communication? Did I show up with integrity? And if the answer is yes, then you are not the problem. You are simply in proximity to someone who is not communicating directly. And that distinction matters. And one requires self-work. The other requires discernment. And as we begin to close today's episode, I want to leave you with this. Not every conflict is meant to be resolved through conversation. Some conflicts reveal something more important. They reveal capacity, someone's capacity for honesty, accountability, emotional maturity, and directness. And when someone shows you that they cannot meet you in those spaces, the answer is not to shrink yourself to meet them there. The answer is to recognize it, stay grounded in your truth, and decide what kind of communication you are willing to participate in. And you are allowed to exist outside of narratives you were never invited into. You are allowed to trust what you see clearly, even when others are telling a different story. And you are allowed to choose relationships where communication is direct, respectful, and real. Okay, so there you have it. Thank you for being here with me today. And if this episode resonated with you, you can follow along on Instagram at the Lemon Tree Coaching and explore classroom resources at the Lemon Tree by AKS on Teachers Pay Teachers. And if you're enjoying this podcast, sharing or leaving a review helps this message reach more people who might need it. And until next time, this is Dr. Allison Sukamelli. Stay with yourself, trust what you see clearly, and remember, not everything that's said about you deserves your response. I'll see you next week.