Bonus Episode: What Do You Know, & What Are You Assuming?

In this bonus episode of The Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, Dr. Allison Sucamele explores one of the most common thinking traps we all fall into: confusing facts with assumptions. Our brains naturally fill in missing information, but the stories we create aren't always reality. Learn why assumptions form, how past experiences influence our interpretations, the psychology behind jumping to conclusions and self-fulfilling prophecies, and simple questions that can help you think more clearly. Sometimes greater peace begins with a single pause: What do I know, and what am I assuming?

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, psychological treatment, or medical advice. If you're experiencing significant anxiety, depression, or relationship difficulties, consider speaking with a licensed mental health professional.

If you are in the United States or Canada and are experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are elsewhere, contact your local emergency services or local crisis resources.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast, where inner work meets everyday life. I'm your host, Dr. Allison Sukamelli, and today we're going to talk about something that quietly shapes nearly every relationship we have, and that's the difference between facts and assumptions. Our minds are remarkable storytellers. Every day our brains receive thousands of pieces of information, facial expressions, text messages, pauses in conversation, changes in tone, social media posts, and unanswered emails. And very rarely do we have the complete picture. Our brains don't like incomplete pictures, they like certainty. So when information is missing, the mind often fills in the blanks, and that's where assumptions are born. And this can be dangerous for many reasons. And here's the important distinction: a fact is something that can be observed or verified. An assumption is the meaning we attach to that fact. For example, imagine you send a text message and don't receive a reply for several hours. The simple fact is they haven't responded. Everything else is a story, and sometimes, probably more often than not, our minds begin to write the narrative of the why they haven't responded. Our brain starts to say things like, they're upset with me, they're ignoring me, I must have done something wrong. They don't care about our friendship. And those aren't facts, they're assumptions. And sometimes they're accurate and many times they aren't. And I'm not just talking about teenagers here. Adults do this too, probably more often than not. And it probably sounds immature and unhealthy for any age. And in a lot of cases, especially when there is no reason grounded in fact to make these assumptions, it is. And you've commonly heard psychologists refer to this tendency as jumping to conclusions, one of several common cognitive distortions. Our brains are constantly making predictions based on past experiences because prediction helped our ancestors survive. If the bushes rustled, assuming danger was often safer than waiting for proof. But times have changed and our modern relationships aren't ancient forests. Not every silence is rejection, not every disagreement is abandonment, and not every change is a threat. Our past experiences also influence our assumptions. And if you've experienced betrayal, and most of us have, you may assume people are hiding something. And if you've often felt excluded, you may assume you're being left out again. And if you've been criticized frequently, you may assume neutral feedback is another attack. And the brain isn't trying to make you miserable, it's trying to protect you using old data. But the problem is sometimes that data is outdated and needs some updating, perhaps even some healing. And one of the healthiest habits we can develop is learning to ask ourselves two simple questions. What do I know? And what am I assuming? And that small pause creates space between reality and interpretation. For example, my coworker walked past me without saying hello, that's the fact. They're angry with me, that's the assumption. Perhaps they were distracted, perhaps they were late, perhaps they didn't even see me. And honestly, usually they have their face and their phone, so that answers that. But the truth is, until we have more information, we simply don't know. And this doesn't mean ignoring your intuition. Intuition and assumptions are not the same thing, though. Healthy intuition develops over time through consistent patterns and lived experience. Assumptions often arise quickly, are fueled by uncertainty, fear, or incomplete information. And don't even get me started on people who enjoy gossiping incessantly and often in a feeble attempt to win friends. Healthy intuition invites curiosity. Assumptions rush towards certainty. And there's another reason this matters. Assumptions don't just shape how we think, they shape how we behave. And again, the example of the workplace gossip who spreads misinformation like confetti on New Year's Eve. Sure, it's sparkly, it's everywhere, and it's also very, very messy. And if I assume someone doesn't like me, I may become distant. And my distance may cause them to become distant in return. And suddenly my assumption appears to have been true, even though my behavior helped create the outcome. And psychologists, of course, call this a self-fulfilling prophecy. And the story we believe can influence the reality we eventually experience. So, how do we become better thinkers? Well, to start, practice curiosity before certainty. Instead of saying, I know what they meant, try asking, what are the other possible explanations? Instead of assuming motives, gather information. And instead of filling in the blanks, leave a few blanks unfulfilled until you have evidence. And I'm also going to caution you here, as we've learned from Othello, things may not always be what they seem, especially if there's a Niago in the mix. And life becomes much lighter when we stop treating every thought as a fact, because thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are valuable sources of information, but they are not proof. Facts are the foundation. Assumptions are the stories we build on top of them. And the wiser we become, the more carefully we choose our stories. Okay, so there you have it. Thank you for spending these few minutes with me today. And until next time, this is Dr. Allison Sukamelli. And remember, not everything your mind tells you is reality. Sometimes the greatest act of wisdom is simply asking Do I know this or am I assuming it? Take good care of yourself, and I'll see you next time on the Lemon Tree Coaching Podcast.