Productivity Based Self Worth

Episode 9

 Do you constantly feel like you need to prove your worth? Do you feel overwhelmed by an endless to-do list and guilty for not doing enough? “Productivity based self worth” is a belief that your worth is directly tied to your productivity - it's something I've struggled with most my life. In today's chat we dive into productivity-based self-worth, how it impacts your mental health, and how to begin to untangle from this. Hit play to learn more!

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Transcript

00:00

Today we are going to talk all about productivity based self worth. So this is a term that I used in a random coaching call, I don't know if I made this term up, or if I heard it somewhere. productivity based self worth is something that resonates with almost every single client we work with. It's some of the posts that get the most engagement and shares on social media. And I think it's something that almost all of us if we have grown up in a modern world have had to face at some point. 

00:31

So first of all, what is it what is productivity based self worth, and I have defined this as essentially belief that your worth is directly tied to your productivity. And like I said, this comes up a lot in our coaching this idea that the more you accomplish, the more things that get checked off your to do list, the more you do for other people, the better you can feel about yourself. And this can be incredibly dysregulated nervous system, right? Because this leaves us always chasing more doing more looking for our value and worth and other things or other people. And when we pile more and more and more and more and more, that increases our stress response, which can lead to dysregulation. 

01:14

I have struggled with productivity based self worth, for as much of my life as I can remember. I don't know if you remember, but there was this trend going around on social media. It was like to the teenage dirtbag song. Well, I wasn't a teenage dirtbag. I was a pleasure to have in class. Mostly minus my incessant talking because my mouth runs faster than my feet. I have always overcommitted I have said yes. When I've wanted to say no, I've set huge, unrealistic goals for myself. And I have just go, go, go, go go. In fact, my boyfriend for my freshman year in college, got me an energizer bunny as a gift as kind of a joke. He's like, I don't know how you do at all. Like, you must just like wake up in the morning and like change your batteries and just go Go, go, go, go, go go. And I have always been that way. And I've also probably continued to be that way, or continue to be that way for so long. Because I was praised for it. Right? 

02:14

I was always praised for the good grades and how I was in drama and an athlete and an honor student and I was able to be the supportive friend. And and so again, what does that do? This reinforces that like, this is my role in society. And this kept me and this maybe keeps you to on again, that hamster wheel of trying to do more and more and more, creating these patterns of chronic stress. And I truly believe that most of what I came to experience as anxiety and depression was rooted in productivity based self worth this need to do more and more and more until it ultimately became crushing and shut down my system. And like I've already mentioned, right? I was the girl that everyone could count on who could juggle so many things. In high school, I took a full load of classes, many of which were honors, I was on the track team, I did performing arts, I also had a part time job, I was active in my church. And again, not because I had to, but because I chose to do all of these things. 

03:34

And then there was a particular semester of grad school. Oh, friends, this is bananas. I was taking 22 units of grad school credit, like I think the normal is 12 while doing my thesis research, working at a gym, and I maintained status as being the president of my university's Habitat for Humanity club. Cool, how did I do that? Well, I probably just didn't ever sleep. And then one night in my mid 20s. And this is important cuz I think this is where a switch flipped. For me. This is where I think I finally started to turn the corner and realize that this was not sustainable. This was not going to work for me. 

04:19

So I remember this one night in my 20s where I was looking at my to do list at the end of a really long day. And I thought to myself, someone busier than you is doing better than you. I'm gonna repeat that. Looking at my to do list what crossed my mind was someone busier than you is doing better than you. Meanwhile, at this point in my life, I am working full time at Google part time at a CrossFit gym. I am completing my master's thesis. I am serving pretty actively in my church. I have a dog. I'm attempting a social life. And I'm also doing almost daily check ins with one of my sisters whose mental health was in a really, really dark place. And I had the audacity to think to myself, that someone busier than you is doing better than you. 

05:24

And the truth is, I'm sure that I told myself this a million times. And the only reason that I remember this night specifically, was because this was the first time that I ever stood up for myself, to myself. This was the first time I ever stood up for myself to myself. After hearing this thought, I like immediately turned back and targeted my thoughts. And I was like, yeah, and there's also somebody else out there doing a fraction of what you're doing right now, and they are not a total jerk to themselves. Bingo. 

06:00

This was the night that I started to untangle my productivity based self worth. This was the night that eventually led me to asking some of the really hard questions of why. Why do I always over commit? Why do I always say yes? When sometimes I want to say no? Why are everybody else's needs more of a priority than my own? Do I even know what my needs are? What does it even look like to start living differently? And so I started to untangle, right, this question of like, why do we tie our self worth to our productivity? And I started to see a lot of personal reasons why I did and I'll share those in a minute. But the reality is, we have learned to tie your self worth to our productivity because we've been taught to modern society, especially American society, which is where I live and I've grown up is built around productivity. And there's this rhetoric that if you work hard you can be and do and have anything that you want. And it's coupled with this incessant messaging that tells you what you should want. And what you should want is always more, more money, more time, a better job title, bigger house, a thinner body. 

07:24

And this unconscious messaging, I realized was echoed in my own home. So my dad owned and operated his own business with his brothers. And my mom is and was a superhero of a stay at home mom of four kids, of which I'm the oldest, who all almost always had us involved in so many activities, and did so many fun things in the home as well. I remember as a joke when Christmas we got her a pillow for her car that said like mom's taxi. I don't know when my mom left her car toting us all around to all of our different things. For once and and she went above and beyond with everything, right? 

08:03

Like one summer she rented an incubator so that we could hatch ducks. And another summer I remember, she got this full setup. So we could watch caterpillars go into cocoons and turn into butterflies. We had tadpoles turning into frogs, like I had an incredible childhood. But one thing I don't ever remember from my childhood, was my mom just sitting down to enjoy herself. I don't ever remember my mom telling us No. In order to say yes to something for herself. I don't remember very many, if any times where help was asked for. And when it comes to what I saw from my dad, right for most of my childhood, he left before the sun was out and came home after dark Monday through Friday. Long hours and weekend emails were normal for him, right? He's running a business and my child brain, what I came to realize is that my child brain created this narrative, that this is what it takes to be successful. And that it's important to be successful. That long days, and always being at least a little stressed to help my work is what it takes. I don't know. 

08:49

And again, at the risk of of making my parents feel a little uncomfortable sharing this. I love you both dearly. You gave me an incredible childhood. And I'm not saying anything here that I haven't said to you already. Right. But looking back, I can't really remember my dad ever totally disconnecting from work. And I also it also feels important that I balance this out with my dad and my mom both are incredibly loving and supportive. And it doesn't have to be one or the other. My dad was a bit of a workaholic. And he was an incredibly supportive dad. He prioritized being at dance recitals, track meats, football games, etc. For me and my three other siblings. 

10:09

And so as I started to untangle this productivity based self worth, I did see try to find the roots like, where did this come from. And I'm not faulting my upbringing for anything. I am a lucky one who had to involved parents, I always knew they loved each other, that they loved me. I know that's not the case for many of you, listeners. But maybe for others of you it was you don't have to blame your upbringing, your parents, your environment, your society to acknowledge that the way that you were raised and those experiences impact you today. And even the most well meaning parents model what was modeled for them in some way? And it is your job now as an adult to decide what serves you and what doesn't. 

10:55

It became my job when I noticed this pattern of productivity to be self worth to decide if that was serving me or not? And if not, what was I going to do about it. And so with some of the context of these things, essentially, right, my childlike brain internalized from a lot of what I saw from my parents. That success and worth is measured by how many hours you're working, how stressed out you are, how many different things and activities you can juggle, and by how little support you need to ask for from other people. And if you pair that, with me being the oldest child, and constantly wanting to set a good example for my siblings, and meet their needs, like it's not some big mystery, how I began to equate my worth, by how much I was accomplishing, or how much I was able to help other people like this entanglement of my worth with productivity. 

11:52

Like I said, I have come to understand as a major contributor to what later became anxiety and depression for me, we have this obsession with productivity. And what comes with that is things like burnout, or chronic stress, even anxiety and depression becoming commonplace. Because the natural result of more and more more and more and more so that I can feel good about myself is burnout, chronic stress, anxiety, depression. And when you come to understand that stress, physiology and anxiety and depression through this nervous system lens, it makes so much sense. Anxiety is the warning. And depression is the shutdown, anxiety symptoms, or your nervous system saying the load is too heavy, there's too much. And depression is your nervous system saying the load lasted too long and got even bigger, you didn't heed the warning. The only way we can survive is to shut down. Right stress is the warning. Burnout is the shutdown. 

13:03

And there is a sobering truth that comes from realizing that you cannot do it all by someone else's standards. And so for me, I shared with you that one example, you know, that was that was one turning point for me. And a lot of times it takes more than one catalyst to untangle patterns that don't serve you. Another one for me was I was feeling really overwhelmed again in my mid 20s. And a friend looked at me and was like, Well, what are you doing to meet your needs? And she said, I looked at her like a deer in the headlights. And she followed up with Do you even know what your needs are? And I like bursted into tears. Like, oh my gosh, like, No, I don't have a clue. I've never slowed down enough to ask. 

13:57

Another huge turning point for me, I was on a really beautiful kind of Mindfulness Based humanitarian trip in Zambia. And one of the activities that we were doing on one of those days was we went to a center that basically opens its doors in the morning for st children to come in and have a meal and a safe place to be during the day. And so as volunteers, we were just there to have lunch with the kids play with the kids just be safe humans for them for the day. And I remember having this group of kids follow me around again, I'm in Zambia, I have orange hair if you didn't know. Kids were obsessed and mesmerized by my hair. 

14:39

So I have I have a group of kids I'm in general pretty good with kids. But I remember being a little bit apprehensive like what's the right thing to do? Do I play with them to read them a book like for me, again, when our nervous is when we're struggling with anxiety. We get stuck in rigidity patterns. We think that there is a right and a wrong and I was like oh like I'm gonna I'm gonna read a book right there's a right way to be Read a book. So I read these kids a book and one of them's like, I want to play Duck, duck goose. I'm like, Cool, I know how to do that. So we're playing Duck, duck goose, and I hear one of the other volunteers off in the distance, say, hey, we need a few more people to come over and wash dishes. When I tell you, I jumped up so fast. I jumped up so fast. And it wasn't until an hour or two later, when I like reflected back on this, I started to sob realizing I was so much more comfortable with work, aka doing the dishes. And the like black and whiteness of that task than playing with children. I saw so much more value in productivity and work than I did in play. That I walked away from children who have nothing, and no one instinctively, and it took me a while before I could find compassion for the fact that I did that instead of anger. But again, that for me was another thing that flipped the switch of you are so much more can like attached to and a meshed with work. overplay, you value work overplay. 

16:12

And then, as a mom, right, so my oldest son's name is Kade. And I was having a conversation around like not doing enough at work or something. And a friend said, you know, at one point, again, this is this is a good friend, this was a verbal slap. She goes at what point is Cade going to have to start earning his worth to. And I looked at her and I was like, what? And she said, You won't allow yourself to see how much you're doing. Or how incredible you are, regardless of how much you're doing. Because you feel like you always have to do more to be good enough. At what point is Kade going to have to start earning his worth to be good enough. Right? At what point is my son at what point is my child going to have to start earning his worth? Hole? Never, never right? My child has worth that is non negotiable. I don't care if you get F he gets F's in school or A's in school, he is still valuable and worthy just because he exists, he has worth whether he is upset or whether he is happy, whether he is listening or not listening, right? Why was I having such a hard time recognizing that truth for myself. 

17:38

And so again, I have been untangling my productivity based self worth for the better part of a decade. And it is likely that this is work that I will be doing for the rest of my life. Coming back to these questions, right of why do I overcome it? What's it gonna take for me to feel good enough? How can I learn to say, No, when I need to say no? How can I learn to value my needs? At least as much as other people's if not even above them? How can I become more intimately acquainted with what my needs are? What matters most to me, right? Because if everything for every one is the most important than nothing really is. And I started to really explore and I continue to explore, like, How can I live differently? If I truly believed that my worth was non negotiable? If I truly believed that I didn't have more value or worth, based on how many things I checked off my to do list, or how many people were pleased with me? What would I do differently? And in order to answer some of these questions, I've had to do a lot of work to figure out who me is I've had to do a lot of work to recognize what my voice sounds like in my head instead of other people's voices and conditioning in my head telling me what I should do. What I should be what I should want. And I think that that is that's been a powerful recognition as well that any time throughout my day where I'm like, Oh man, like I should do the dishes or oh man, like I should call someone back or Oh man, I should have more clients than I do or whatever. US using that word "should" as a red flag for something that's potentially contributing and coming from this productivity base work based self worth. 

19:42

Right, "should" is the ultimate shame word it should is the word that signifies that we are living by somebody else's instruction manual in our life and not our own. And so now when I hear the word should I kind of Chuck when I say says who? Right you should do the dishes says who? Well actually, I want I'm going to do the dish just not that I want to do the dishes, but I'm choosing to do the dishes because I want a clean kitchen. Right? And so shifting that narrative from should to some level of choice or accountability, or you know what? And I actually did this, this was probably, and maybe this is something that will serve you to untangle my shoulds. I decided this was one of my experiments in untangling productivity be self worth, that for a couple days or a week, I was going to question why I did everything that I did. And I remember, I'm folding laundry and I'm like folding a fitted sheet like tried to match up the corners and whatever. And I'm like, Ah, this shouldn't be this hard. Like, this is how you should fold it. And I was like, well says who? And I kind of chuckled and I was like, I don't even know who told me that like, I should work this hard to fold a fitted sheet. So do you know how I fold fitted sheets now. I wrap it over my fists, and I swirl them, and then I shove it on the shelf or in a drawer. Because, again, if everything matters, that nothing matters, I had to get clear on what mattered most of my life and it is not worth it to me it might be to you to fold a fitted sheet, and so maybe try that what does it look like to go throughout the next couple of days, the next couple of weeks of your life? And any time you're like, oh, I should I should I should like says who? Can I come up with a good reason why it feels aligned and authentic for me to make this choice? Or am I just making this choice so that someone else isn't mad at me, or so that I can you know, where this busyness or this checked off to do lists is a badge of honor. 

21:40

And like I said, I am still actively most days in at least some way untangling my worth from productivity. This is something that has or is this work is not something that has or is passively happening in my life. I am constantly noticing the urge in my body to do more. And using that instead of a cue or impulse to jump into something as a moment to pause to check in and just ask myself like is this what I really want? Do I have the capacity for this? Like at what cost? Right? If you only have a limited amount of like time, money and energy? What do you want to choose what matters most. And I have had to stop wearing busy like a badge of honor. I have had to learn to choose to value my needs as much as I value and meet the needs of others. 

22:47

I have had to let so many things go. I've had to learn how to set boundaries. Well, that's uncomfortable, that's a cheat, maybe we'll have a whole conversation around that. I've had to cultivate self compassion. I've had to learn how to have fun. I forgot how to play friends. I have had my parents both describe me as a loud, rambunctious, hyper playful child. And from about 13 or 14 on basically from a lot of what I can remember on anything I did had to feel in some way productive or pleasing to somebody else. I in my adult life, like I said, primarily with that experience in Zambia, I realized I forgot how to play. And one of the most healing things for me about becoming a mom is that I'm learning to play again. I'm learning to play with, with my kid with my kids. And and also noticing the dichotomy of sometimes when my kids asking me to play and I have laundry to fold or some work emails to do or whatever like, oh, oh right there scratchiness. Sometimes I do need to get those things done. And it's okay that he plays by himself. But other times is my resistance to playing with him because I value the play so much less than the accomplishment in the work. 

24:18

Oh, you better believe it is that out every day, every day. I've had to learn that I get to take breaks and I get to rest without earning it. I have had to do a lot of inner work with the support of a coach to see all the ways that I was living my life based on shoulds that I learned from other people, consciously or unconsciously, versus what actually mattered most to me. I've had to figure out what actually matters most to me. And so much of this work of untangling productivity based self worth is not only seeing all of the places that this was showing up for me but in actually taking the action, making the changes, setting the boundaries, letting the to do list go undone, because other things mattered more. 

25:14

So many of us are trying to carry a load that was simply never meant to be carried. We have lost our villages of support. And we have been handed unrealistic expectations about how we should be using our life and our time. What if we shifted our mindset from? How much work can I possibly get done? To how little work can I do to maximize the amount of my life that feels playful, that feels joyful, that feels restful. 

25:55

And again, I am somebody who's a very high achieving high energy person, I love to get into the grip of working really hard on my business, I think the work that I do is changing the world. It's healing people, it's important work to do. And I'm learning to also value sitting in a hammock without my phone, throwing the ball for my dog and watching my kid play in the dirt. And there is a past version of me that would have looked at Amanda in that hammock and been like, Well, why aren't you at least on your phone responding to emails? You can do more with this time? I have shifted my priorities, I have shifted my perspective. I've shifted my mindset from how much right? How much can I work to be successful, to how little can I do for it to be enough to give me the capacity to rest without feeling guilty to play with my son without feeling irritated or like it's a waste of time to just be instead of feeling like I constantly need to do all the time. 

27:06

Untangling you're worth as a human from productivity is a process and a practice. And one, like I've said so many times that I will likely be actively choosing for the rest of my life. It is really hard to shift this belief, especially when it is shoved in your face every time you open Instagram or your inbox. But it is totally possible to come back to yourself with this truth that you are worthy based on nothing more than your existence. You don't have to accomplish anything to deserve love, respect and acceptance. First from yourself, you are already already worthy. 

27:52

And so the three takeaways I want to leave you with from this conversation is that the bottom line, your worth is not earned. You could make a million dollars today, clean your entire house. Or you could simply sit on your porch, read a book and enjoy the weather and your value and worth as a human has not changed. Takeaway number two is I have come to find that productivity based self worth was a major contributor to what created anxiety and depression for me. When you are constantly trying to earn your worth, it is inevitable that you add more and more and more onto your plate. Often sacrificing your own needs in the name of somebody else's or in the name of productivity. And this creates chronic patterns of stress that not just impact your emotional state but also your physical state as well. And you can only operate in overdrive for so long before it starts to break you down. You cannot create or live a regulated life when you are constantly stacking on more and more and more and more and more. So an action step from this takeaway is to sit down and to do nothing at some point this week, and just see what comes up for you. Sit on the couch without your phone, stare at the wall or try reading a book something analog. See what comes up for you? How quickly does your brain offer up 10 things that you should be doing instead? Notice what it feels like in your body to rest. Right does it feel antsy or uncomfortable? And if it does, there's likely some work for you to do here. If you cannot rest with ease, you are living in that sympathetic activated state and likely have some productivity based self worth to untangle and take away number three is that this untangling work? It has to happen intentionally. It's it's some Tough work, you ask yourself some tough questions. And you might need support in this work. But I invite you to find quiet moments to explore some of these questions on your own with a friend with a partner with a therapist or with a coach. So taking a moment to journal, why do I always overcommit? What would it look like? If I didn't? Why do I always say yes? When I want to say no? What would it look like? If I didn't? What am I afraid would happen? If I did? Why are everybody else's needs more of a priority than my own? Do I even know what my own needs are? And if I didn't know, what might they be? How can I start to live differently? What matters most to me? And is that what I'm spending the most time money and energy on right now? How do I choose what matters most to me more often? What does it look like for me to truly rest? Or play? What would it look like to build more of that into my life. And as you start to first acknowledge that productivity based self worth might be there for you as a driver. And then step into the work of untangling and becoming less a meshed with that.

31:44

That's where we give ourselves the space to breathe deeper. We allow our nervous system to not continuously be overloaded. And there is so much healing that can come from letting go of the shoulds from our childhood, other people or society and get a lot more clear on what matters most to us and how we can make sure that rest and play are at least just as if not more important than productivity.