Practicing Regulation with my Toddler

Episode 14

Today let's talk about some things I do to (A) keep myself more regulated when my kid is not and (B) some ways I’m supporting him in learning to listen to his body, understand emotions, and ultimately add regulation skills to his own toolbox that he can utilize for the rest of his life. Whether you’re a teacher, caretaker, parent or ever plan to be, a lot of what I’m going to talk about today may still be really helpful for you. Many of these same concepts applied when I was learning to reparent myself to become a more self-regulated adult in ways I didn’t learn to be in my own childhood. Hit play to learn more!

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The Regulate & Rewire podcast and content posts by Amanda Armstrong is presented solely for general informational, education, and entertainment purposes. The use of information on this podcast of materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advices of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.

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Transcript

00:00

Welcome to regulate, and rewire and anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong. And I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now let's dive in. 

00:27

Alright, so some of you know some of you may not but I am a mom to a toddler boy, he just turned three. And I am about to bring baby number two into the world. In fact, hopefully by the time this episode goes live, he will be here and we'll be in a whole new season of our lives. In fact, I heard laugh. Yesterday, my husband was on the phone with somebody and he was like, yeah, it's about to get real man. You know, baby number one, one kid feels like a hobby two kids is where it's probably gonna get really real very fast. So I don't know that one kid is just a puppy. But our life is about to change. 

01:05

But today, I want to talk about some things that I do or have done in the last couple years with my toddler to a keep myself more regulated when my kid and his marbles and be some ways that I am supporting him in learning to listen to his body, understand his emotions and nervous system and ultimately to add regulation skills to his own toolbox that he'll be able to utilize for the rest of his life. And whether you are a teacher, a caretaker, a parent, an aunt, an uncle, any and all of the above, a lot of what I'm going to talk about today is still going to be really helpful for you. 

01:49

Because a lot of the same concepts that apply to how I'm helping my toddler to regulate, also applied to when I was learning how to reparent yourself, how to become more self, a more self regulated adult in ways that I didn't learn to be in my own childhood. So here are some basic things to know. Before I dive into the specifics, self regulation, it's a skill. So right now you feel like you go from zero to 10, whether that's with anxiety, or anger or overwhelm, know that it doesn't always have to be that way. self regulation is a skill and like anything, it's going to take practice to get better at it. And it would have been amazing if the skill of self regulation was something that we all developmentally learned in a safe and stable home with a regulated and emotionally stable and intelligent present parents who made space for our big feelings without shame punishment, or placation. That that's not often people's reality. 

02:58

And so, as adults, now it is your job, it's my job, to reparent and learn how to regulate. And as you do, you can show it for yourself, for your kids and for the people around you differently in hopes that they especially in relation to how we shoot with our children, like my goal in doing all of the healing work that I've done to become a more self regulated adult, is so that my kid, and kids have less work to do when they're adults, because I have helped them to cultivate these skills. And I have modeled for them this higher capacity for self regulation. 

03:42

And so right now, my sop or my standard operating procedure for when my kid is absolutely losing his cool is I take him to his room, and I stay in there with him. Now, when I pick him up to take him to his room, it actually makes him even more dysregulated he gets pissed, he tells me he doesn't want to go, that he wants to stay outside or to stay downstairs in his play area. But when I've tried to regulate him in those spaces, for me, it feels too hard. There's too many distractions, the environment is chaotic. There's some unpredictable and so I have found that we both write because this is as much about me and my regulation as it is about facilitating has. I have found that we both need the containment and those minimizes distractions. And this is what works best for us right now. 

04:35

And the reality is when baby brother is here, we will likely have to change a lot of the ways that we do things since I can't as safely leave one kid alone to attend to the other. But as I learned to navigate what that looks like in a month or a year, I'll share that with you too. But what I'm gonna share with you here is what this has looked like for us right now. And so the thing to understand is kids do not have the ability to self regulate. They don't. 

05:00

When we send a kid away into timeout by themselves, or when we send them to their room, when they are having an outburst or having a meltdown or tantrum, they are not self regulating, they are going into their room. And they are likely either crying themselves to exhaustion, or essentially until shut down until they give up that their needs aren't going to be met. They're not being seen, they're not being heard. And this anything I share in this episode, is not to shame the way that you might be parenting. I am simply sharing what I understand about child development and nervous system capacity, etc. And then you get to filter this through what works for your family, what works for you. 

05:41

Have there been moments where I have left Cade in the house, and I stepped outside? Yeah, because if not, I was gonna lose my cool. My experience as a kid. And when I had big feelings was I was often sent to my room. And I'm seeing how being sent away with my big feelings, has created patterns in my life as an adult, that I don't want to recreate for my children. And again, this isn't to say my parents did it wrong. They did it the way that they did. And based on my personal experience, I want to do it different based on what I understand about children. 

06:16

So children do not have the capacity to self regulate, their nervous systems are dependent upon an adult, usually a parent, being able to stay calm, being able to hold space for big heart emotions. Another thing that I presume, happened a lot, I don't have a lot of like clear memories. But I think a lot of times, my big emotions were placated. It was like, Okay, you just want it here you go. And so my capacity to learn how to hold and navigate big emotions, was also stunted, because they were fixed. 

06:53

And so my goal as a parent, is that I create enough self regulation for me, that I can allow my children to have their big feelings, for me to be able to stay with them in their big feelings, and know that they are safe to work through this, that I love them, even when they're angry, even when they're honoree and that there's a way for us to, to calm down and to communicate and to and to reset the stress cycle. 

07:28

So here's kind of what this might look like. So the other day, Kade, and that's my son's name, he in subsisted on having a piece of candy at 9am. And I told him, right, because part of being a good parent is also setting boundaries with your children, teaching them the rules of the world. And I told him, You know, it's not time to eat candy right now, but that we can we can have a piece together later at lunch. And of course, he's three. No right now, no, right now, no right now. And I let him know that if he grabbed the bag of candy off the counter, I was gonna put it away on the top of the fridge. l he grabbed the bag, and I put it on top of the fridge. And that stubborn kid, he grabbed a chair to try to stand on he grabbed his stool, but it was simply out of reach and the melt down, followed. Right. He started to push his chair against the fridge. And when asked to stop, he looked me dead in the face and did it again. So I picked him up. And we went to the room together. 

08:37

And it always starts the same when I bring him into his room so that we can kind of regulate. He starts pulling on the door handle and crying for me to open the door. Like I don't want to be in a room. I don't want to be my room. And I'm going to attempt to roleplay this with maybe two different voices so that you can tell what's my toddler and what's me. We'll see how it goes. So he's there pulling on the handle in hysterics, like open the door, open my door, and I calmly respond. You want me to open the door? Yes, I will open the door once we can talk about what just happened. I don't want it. Like that's okay. I'm here for when you want to talk. Open the door. I know you're frustrated. It's okay to be frustrated. I'm here for you. Open that door and you know this goes on for like minutes right? Just whatever I say calmly open the door. I say something open the door. And I respond. 

09:41

So my tactics when this happens is a number one I have to stay regulated. I am sitting here taking my deep breaths you know kind of rubbing my own legs and fighting every urge in my body to like just want to yell at him. Tell him it's not a big deal right like our We're just come from what we experienced. And so I know for me, I'm like, Ooh, okay. I have kind of two models of parenting that are getting me through right now. And it is this motto of firm, but kind order for me to feel like I'm doing my job. It'd be firm. But I want to be kind about it. 

10:20

And the second moto hat is getting me through right now. It's just reminding myself that the parenting that I want to do is going to be unique. I am somebody who loves time management, I have a lot of things that I juggle. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time. And sometimes sitting in a room with a screaming toddler for 20 minutes. Feels like I'm wasting my time. And I have 100 Other things that I could be getting done in that moment that I could do technically, if I just like, left him in his room by himself. But that's not what I know, he needs to become a more self regulating adult sometime in the future. And so I just sit there and I remind myself like for him, but kind, they kind of stay kind. And it's okay that you're being inconvenienced, you're choosing to be a parent that you want to be is inconvenient. And for me right now, those two reframes those two models on repeat, are helping me to show up more intentionally. 

11:12

So just throwing that out there, maybe that's helpful for you. So kind of back to this example, right? So I want you to be able to see how this plays out. And if I could find the, the nursery camera footage for this, I would play that instead of role playing, but it is what it is, you know, so I just repeat calmly, like, I will open the door, when we can get come together and talk. Do you want space? Or do you need a hug, to help get calm? And this usually takes about three or four rounds of the like, I'll open the door when I understand you're frustrated? I'm here, do you want space? Or do you need a hug? Sometimes this process takes 20 minutes, and sometimes it takes five. 

11:54

But almost every single time, not almost I think every single time. Sometimes he'll request space eventually. But he eventually goes Ya mama and he'll walk over to be held. And I always do. I hold him and I typically rock or I rub his back because I know that that is soothing for nervous systems. And I'll just again state, oh, you're sad. You're frustrated. I love you. Even when you're sad and frustrated. I'm here to help you. These are big feelings. Big feelings can be hard. Like, how are you feeling now? And it's usually like I said, it's okay to be sad. Are you feeling any better with mommy holding you? Yeah. Do you want to take deep breaths? And he'll say yes. Or he'll say no. And a lot of times, even if he says no, I will model some deep breaths. And he will often take them as I do a deep inhale and a deep exhale that he can hear. Sometimes I'll have him say I'm like, do you want to blow mom's hair? So that's something we did when he was really little to help him with long exhale. So he'll, you know, blow my hair and make it move. 

13:03

And then I'll ask him, are you ready to talk? Usually says no. I say Okay, tell me when you're ready. Is when you're ready to talk is when we can. And eventually he does. He says Okay, ready. And so this particular time our conversation was something like, you know, do you know why we had to come in your room? Well, I just I just want to candies. I understand that you want candy. But it's not time for candy right now. And we don't always get what we want. But I want it. Yes. And I know. I know you want it. But we don't always get what we want. And even Mommy doesn't get what she wants sometimes. And that can feel really frustrating. Because he's three, but I want it right now. And I just take a deep breath because definitely feeling like I'm gonna lose it at this point. You know, I know. I know. But we still aren't going to have a right now. But would you like to have that piece of candy with me at lunch later? Oh, oh, okay. Okay, yeah, we have candy together later. Okay, now we have to talk about one more thing. We have to talk about you hitting the fridge with the chair. That's not something that we do when we're mad. Mommy likes her fridge. Mommy wants to keep her fridge. Nice. We don't hit it with the chair. Okay. Okay, Mama. The when we go back into the kitchen, I need you to put the chair back at the table. And then let's go outside and play with the dogs for a bit. How's that sound? Okay, Mama. Right. 

14:34

So what happened in this experience, right? I my kid requested something. I set a boundary. I was firm, but I was kind about it. And he was still pissed off. Your kids being mad your kids throwing tantrums doesn't mean you've necessarily done anything wrong as a parent. Part of our job is to do things that are going to make our kids annoyed with us and angry and disappointed. And then when it kept escalating to the point where they're was no destructive behavior, at least towards my fridge, which I don't want that sin. I said, Alright, to go and do this different way. I stayed with him in that room. At no point did I tell him it wasn't a big deal. I didn't little the experience that he was having. And there are urges in me to do all of those things. So this isn't like, wow, look at Amanda, what an amazing parent she is. Wow, look at Amanda, who has the urge to yell at her kid who has the urge to flush her kid down the toilet who wants to just send him to his room so that she can continue to be productive, and do other things. And again, like I said, I have one kid right now, I'm sure that this formula and how this works is going to look different. When I have more kids, I'm just going to have to navigate that. But I held that space for him. I was firm, but it was kind I allowed myself to be inconvenienced. You cannot, I didn't try to logically ration rationalize with my kid when he was pulling on the door handle and screaming, right, our kids don't have the capacity to be logical until they're regulated. So I knew that my job was number one to help him to get regulated. And then we could talk. And what I have loved about this is that each time we go through this full inconvenient cycle, it gives us an a new reference point. And there are times when I can see a situation going in a similar way. And I can say hey, remember last time when you hit the chair, when you got angry, and you and you hit the fridge with the chair. And we had to go to your room, and we worked together to come down. If you do insert another behavior that I'm not going to allow while he's feeling angry. If you do this, then we're gonna we're gonna do that. Again, if you're feeling angry, here's an alternative. And so each time I'm able to help him go from being super overstimulated, to completely reset. It gives us a new data point, a new level of emotional maturity to some extent, for my kid, it gives us a point of reference and its learning. The key here is that I stayed calm. And he was eventually able to meet me. And like I said, I've gotten so much better at holding the space with practice, and those mental reframes that I have made about parenting. 

17:31

And still, just in case, some of you have put me on a pedestal and are like, Man, she's just like doing it. She's just figured it out. I want to share another example of a time a few months ago that I didn't stay calm, I kind of lost my cool. And this was over him, not listening while he was riding his bike. And so I picked him up and I picked his bike up, you know, he was given his warnings like if you x and we have to go inside, we have to be all done. Like your actions have consequences. And the same thing ensued, right? We go to the room, open the door, open the door, I want to go outside, like and so on. And this meltdown was bigger, it lasted longer. And at this point in the day, like my capacity was just toast. And at one point, I yelled. I yelled his name really loud and really sharp. And it was just like Cade, and my goal in my think brain was that I was going to shock him I was going to get his attention and hopefully be able to like, direct from the team. But what happened was my dysregulation, my yelling, escalated his. He looked at me scared and he came over and he hit me. And my child had never hit, at least me before. I've never seen him hit anybody else before. And about a week later, another meltdown happened again later at night when my capacity was smoked. And I tried the same thing. I yelled his name, same reaction, he came over my escalation, my dysregulation became his escalation and his dysregulation. And I was like, okay, noted. Yes, I absolutely was like, don't hit mom. I set that boundary. I said mom's gonna move away so that she can protect her body. But also, I took responsibility. What a natural response right? He has previously felt really safe mom has been able to stay calm when he's not and now she's not nervous system went into a state of fight or flight he chose fight. And he hit me. 

19:35

Now if I was a parent who reacted to his hitting by either hitting back or yelling even more back. Likely eventually his response instead of Fight, fight or flight becomes shut down. Right his nervous system realizes I can't overpower my parents. There's no point in fighting back. I'm not safe if I do more harm comes to me. And so in this moment understanding the nervous system and the way that I do, there was actually part of me that was like, Man, I'm glad my kid feels safe enough with me to hit me. And that sounds real backwards to some of you. And like I said, we've set a boundary, that behavior has not happened again. But I didn't set that boundary in a place of fear. I set that boundary in a place that his little brain could understand. And I took responsibility. Of course, he went into a state of fight. I yelled, that was my version of fight, and he was defending himself. And the only way his little nervous system in his body knew how. 

20:39

And so in this situation, especially the second time it happened. I felt like crap, because I've made the decision that I don't want to be a mom that yells. And once we got to that complex together, I acknowledged to him. I said, Hey, Did it scare you when mom yelled, and he started to just tear up lip quiver? And he said, Yeah, Mom, I got scared. I said, I'm so sorry that I scared you. I don't like that. I yelled, either. And the next time that mommy yells, if I yell again, in the future, you can say, Mommy, please don't yell. Because another thing that I want to teach my child to do is I want to teach him how to advocate for himself, I want to teach him that he sets the rules for how people get to treat him. And in some small, tiny way, I can do that even at three. And you know what, since that happened, I haven't yelled at him. But I did holler at the dogs pretty loud. And currently, once if he goes, Mama, Mama, please don't yell. And I had this moment I was proud. He heard me he heard that he's allowed to advocate for himself, we did have a conversation around how me hollering at the dogs is not the same as me yelling at him, that I sometimes you know, yell to get attention, not because I'm mad or when Daddy can't hear me. 

22:01

But the reality is that, that we're building context. And the moral of the story for the sake of this conversation is that when I model regulation, he learns regulation. And when I escalate, he escalates. When I show up in a way that I am not proud, I can apologize, I can repair and I can empower him even at three years old, to help hold me accountable. And that also teaches him how to set boundaries for how he is or isn't willing to be taught to treat it. And something else that I want to mention is that these tools, and these things only work in the tantrums, they only work in these highly dysregulated moments because I've been really intentional to practice these with him when he and I are calm or in smaller moments of dysregulation. I've been doing deep breaths with him since he was about a year old. Now, if you have older kids, it's never too late. But like I said, I would have him blow on my hair to make it move or like a piece of string. When he was about a year and a half old, we started doing this like fun little bedtime routine with various somatic practices they even have my adult clients do. So we would do Wiggles. And that would be you know, my attempt to help him discharge any of that like leftover energy from the day, we would do a little self hug with some affirmations. He put his legs up the wall, that's mostly a practice that I need at the end of the day. And I would just have him join me. And then we would do a hug and take some deep breaths snuggle and sing, right. And so all of this, it sounds like a lot. But all of this is, you know, 10 minutes or less. And it's something that we can proactively practice so that he's familiar with deep breaths, with giving himself a hug with doing some wiggles when I need those in the moment. And I also invite him to help me regulate. 

23:50

Sometimes I'll say, hey, mommy's feeling really frustrated right now or a little stress. Like, do you want to do some wiggles with me? Mommy is sad right now. Or actually, just just two days ago at church, I started to tear up. And he looks at me and he goes, Mama sad. I said, Yeah, I'm a little sad right now. But it's okay. And he goes, Mama, I help you with your feelings. And he crawls on my lap and gives me a hug, which of course makes me start sobbing, but it's one of those moments where like, oh, oh, like it's clicking? Right. And so what I am trying so hard to do is to just model that emotions are okay to have. There are things that we can do to regulate. And it's okay to ask for help in that process. 

24:35

And there was this really incredible moment that happened just a few days ago, where he wanted to roleplay comforting each other right, kids at this age. They're role playing, they're playing. Let me make you food and let me change the baby's diaper and let me crash a truck into a wall I don't know. Right. And so I'm in the kitchen. And I'm cutting and I'm preparing to dehydrate some pears and he's on the floor with his trade. And he looks at me and he says, Mommy, I'm going to crash into you. And I just kind of laugh and I'm like, Yeah, okay, whatever. Like, I just keep on cutting my pears. And then he says, mommy, you're scared, I scared you. And I pause and I was like, what? He said, I crashed the train, and I scare you. So I buy into it. And I'm like, oh, yeah, like mommy's scared. Like, and then he looks at me, he goes, Are you sad? Mommy? Yes, Mommy, you sad, I help you feel better. Right? And he opened his arms for a hug, and then told me to take a deep breath. And then just after this happened, I like open to the voice recording on my phone to leave a quick voice note about this experience and how I wanted to share it on the podcast. And I just left it running because then he goes, mommy, your turn, you wanted to switch roles. So instead of role playing the situation, I'm actually just going to play this for you because I caught it on my phone. It's about two minutes. And the first thing you're going to hear is him wanting me to crash it into him to comfort him. And then he is going to crash it back into me for like the second or third time. 

26:04

So here is that little audio clip? Is it my turn to scare you? Hey, here comes the train. There was a train and crashed and decayed. Are you scared? Do you need a hug? You're sad. Do you need a hug to help with your sad feelings? Okay. You want to try to take some deep breaths? Yeah, yeah. How do you feel now? That you feel better? Okay. I can get you. Now. You're gonna scare me. Okay. Would you do? Oh, no, I'm scared. I I'm a little sad. I'm a lot sad. Yeah. Can you help me be less sad? When you're giving me a hug? Thank you. Is there anything else we should do to help when we're sad? They think you maybe that toy will help me? Oh, this cool toy. 

27:34

Okay. Yeah. And I loved every bit of this. I love that he sees emotions and this process of CO regulation as something that is as natural to roleplay as him making fake soup, or pretending with his other toys. And as a parent, half of the time, I feel like I am floundering. I don't know what I'm doing. I it's also messy combination of what I think worked about the way that I was parented growing up and the things that I want to do. And I'm not a parenting expert. I'm a nervous system expert. And I'm sure that there are parenting experts out there who would have opinions and suggestions on how I could do or say some of these things better. And so please combine this information with the information that you get from other places and take what works for you filter it through your personal experience and your family. 

28:27

But I do know this, our kids are dependent on CO regulation. Though instead of dismissing threatening, or rescuing them from their big feelings and disappointments, we need to teach them how to compassionately gain control over their bodies. And just like math, or reading self regulation is a skill to be learned. And for children to learn these skills, they must be taught. And it's taught through modeling through co regulation. And this involves one person staying calm and present, while the other person experiences something challenging. And this happens for our kids when we can stay calm and present for them. And this happens for my clients in sessions where I or one of my coaches is able to stay calm and present for them or in other safe relationships in our life. And this concept of CO regulation it takes to you and your little on the same team and I do not do it perfectly. But I am pretty dang proud so far of how I am trying and the capacity that I've created in me to hold space for him. And I've only been I'm only able to do that because of the healing work that I have done on my own nervous system. 

29:42

And because of the space that is held for me by my partner, my coaches and myself, and I feel like there is so so much more that I could say on this topic but I am going to end it here for time sake. And if regulated parenting is something that you want me to talk more about here on the podcast, send me an email are a DM over on Instagram with specific questions or topics that you would like me to dive into. 

30:05

So to bring this all together, the three tangible takeaways from today is number one. I sound like a broken record, but kids are dependent on you for regulation, and your healing your regulated nervous system is the greatest number two, and this one I didn't explicitly say. But it's something that I wanted to clarify, you cannot reason with your kid until you're both calm. Like the process a shared, you have to first regulate and then reason, calm down and then talk. And this goes for them in our adult relationships, our family members, with our partners, when you are escalated, you are not reasoned that we need to regulate then. And tangible takeaway number three is that practicing coping skills when you're calm is key to having access to those coping skills when you're not. And not only does this consistent practice, create more overall nervous system support and regulation, but it creates familiarity in your system. It literally builds neural pathways in your brain. And so the more often you practice these regulating tools, the more well worn these pathways become, the more of a viable option they are for you, for your kids. In those moments of dysregulation. self regulation is a skill. And if you're somebody with children, it is one that they are learning from. 

31:34

Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support and applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside Rhys, my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space or apply for our one on one anxiety and depression coaching program restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the show notes. Again, thanks so much for being here. And I'll see you next time.