Feel Like You Can't Rest Until Everything Gets Done? Hit Play

Episode 72

If you feel like you can't rest until everything is done - this conversation is for you. I also talk about functional freeze and how this do do do without knowing how or when to allow yourself proactive rest creates overwhelm and overloads the system into a state of freeze. Hit play for more!

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Here's the 3 takeaways:

1.  Catch: Notice this week the urge to do more, when you decline your brain or body's request for rest because you feel like you can't until you get it "all" done.
2.  Challenge: Notice the urge of, "I can't sit down until X, Y, Z is done" and respond with, "but what if I can? What if I can take a moment to rest and just be?" & if you're feeling spicy - "what if I can just leave that task undone? Or at least undone until tomorrow?"
3.  Change: Do differently, take that 1 or 10 or 15 minutes to rest & let yourself be uncomfortable in that rest.

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Transcript

Welcome to regulate, and rewire and anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong. And I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now let's dive in. 

Welcome back, friends. Today's conversation is a natural extension of last week's conversation on urgency. We talked about how we all have these default patterns, these default ways of being in the world showing up in situations based on our past lived experience based on the way of being and showing up in the world that helped us to get our needs met to feel more safe, more seen. And for me, there is a huge and repetitive pattern of rushing when I don't actually need to be in a rush. One of the things I shared that our clients struggle with a lot, and it's something I've heard, written in and gotten DMs on Instagram, from a lot of podcast listeners as well is feeling like you cannot rest until everything is done. or feeling like the minute you sit down, you feel like you have to get back up struggling with the thing that you feel like you need the very most. 

And I shared last week how I had three clients, three of our clients in one day, need support with this. And one of those was a stay at home mom, who was really struggling with using her kids naptime as a time to rest or a time to get things done. And her default was to always get things done. And this was leaving her feeling really resentful really burned out. And in that conversation together, we worked through navigating the balance of both things being true, there are things that she wanted to get done. And she's in desperate need for more rest more intentional self care time, she knows that getting in her 20 or 30 minute workout considerably decreases her anxiety symptoms, and her kids, naptime is usually the most feasible time to get that done. And we worked through the unique circumstances of her life to create a plan on how both of those needs could be better met. But the majority of this conversation was spent adding context to how the rest and the self care won't feel good at first, because her default story, her core belief is that her value and worth comes from doing it comes from the productivity. 

So part of this work is in shifting the narrative cognitively logically around our needs. And rest being as important as the things we can check off a to do list the things that other people might see or praise us for, while also working through this in a felt and experiential way, which is the language of the nervous system, the language of the body. And last week, we talked a little bit more about re patterning and rewiring from both a top down a mind to body a thought work mindset place. And through bottom up, our nervous system speaks the language of show me, don't tell me show me, I can still be safe, I can still be loved, I can still be enough, even if the dishes go and done. Even if I choose to take a nap, or to read on my Kindle, or to do my workout. And it takes a couple extra days to get through the laundry. 

Another conversation that I had about this that day was in a discovery call with a new client who was expressing how they always tell themselves that they can chill when everything gets done. But then everything never gets done. And then they walk around the rest of the day, angry that they didn't get the time to chill in the morning that they wanted or that they needed. It's what's also interesting here is to see the different places that these default patterns lead us. Both of them fall into this pattern of doing doing doing doing doing and neglecting self. One of them that creates shame, self loathing the other one it creates anger. But in this particular conversation, she mentioned that this is something that she's talked about in therapy 100 times, she understands why she does this. She even knows what she's supposed to do that looks different. But she can't get herself to actually do it to take the time to get the rest that she needs even though things in her house aren't perfect. And this illustrates the difference. between knowing better and doing better, I want to reiterate, your nervous system is shaped by experience, not thought. It is shaped by feeling safe or unsafe. And we attach ourselves to patterns, roles, thoughts, emotions, and these adaptive responses that were necessary for safety, for survival or for early attachment. 

And the third conversation I had that day around this is an individual who was mentioning how going outside is really beneficial for their mental health, but they live on a farm. And so anytime they go outside, they immediately see something else that needs to be done. And so outside, while theoretically, should be this restful and rejuvenating place, for them, it just adds to their to do list. And this is where I want to elaborate on this process. So there's this catch. And this is built through that mindfulness, being able to catch yourself in this pattern of I feel like I want to rest. But my default pattern is to do more and more and more and more into put off rest. And the challenge and change is where so much of this repatterning work lies. And I want to walk you through the conversation that I had with this client in hopes that it allows you to challenge and change if this is something that you struggle with, as well. 

So what is explaining to them is, what if the next time you go outside, and you sit down and you see an animal that needs to be fed or tools that need to get put away, you tell yourself, it can get done in five minutes. And if five minutes feels too long, you tell yourself, it can get done. In three breaths, I'm going to take three deep breaths, and then I'm going to go or this is a client that I know vision therapy drills work really well. Okay, I'm going to do one minute of color spotting. And then I can go what we are trying to do with this is we are trying to put off the immediate, that impulsive, that instinctual feel the urge go and do feel the urge go into because what this does is this just reinforces the pattern. You can't rest until it's all done. You can't take care of yourself until it's all done. But what if that's not true? And what I told them was, if you set that timer for five minutes, it is not going to actually feel restful, it is not going to feel good. Not for a while, you are going to sit there and you are going to feel antsy, you're going to feel tension, you're going to feel annoyed, you're going to wonder what's the point? What's the point in sitting on my porch for five minutes, if I can't even enjoy sitting on my porch for five minutes, because I'm looking at the animal that needs to be fed. I'm looking at those tools that need to get put away. This is a practice. And when we are trying to repattern we want to stretch not stress the system. So five minutes is too long. Like I said, What does three breaths feel like? Because what will happen over time is you will get out to the porch. See the thing, Take three breaths and go do the thing. And your nervous system goes. Okay, we survived. You come out to the porch the next day, you see the thing and you go, we should take three breaths this time, there's less resistance because your nervous system and your brain are like, Yeah, we have evidence that we can take three breaths, go do the thing. And that works out, we can wait a little while we can rest a little bit, and then go do more. And then it's the five minutes and you sit in the five minutes. You let it be uncomfortable. And then you go do the thing. And you take that moment to pause at the end of doing that thing. And you go Oh, no one yelled at me. My house didn't burn down. Nothing bad happened. I was able to do both. And when we do this enough times over and over and over maybe stretching in duration, shifting our experience of it, we can learn that both can exist. 

There can be times of doing and times of being with that first client I was working with with that mom, it was the exact same conversation just in a different setting. After the baby goes down for their nap. On some days, you may be like, Yeah, let's go. Let's get into it. But on the days where your system says all right. That is your system. Calling for a reset that is your system expressing a need that dread of the thing that you're going to is your body saying, hey, we need a minute we need a reset. What does it look like? For you to catch that challenge the narrative that says I have to go start laundry now. And you change by choosing differently, can you sit on your couch, set a timer for five minutes, because at the end of the day, if the laundry doesn't get done till tomorrow, or the next day or the next day, it will be okay. I know because I have tested that theory, many times down to my kids last pair of underwear in his drawer. 

And with today's conversation, I want to keep it a little bit more of a short and sweet episode, to really just call attention to this default pattern that I know many of you struggle with this poll to go go go Busy, busy, busy, do do more often at the expense of what you need most. And so what I want to offer now are a couple tools that can support this. 

Number one is a top down reframing of your thoughts. When you feel that urge to get up and complete that task. pause and ask yourself, what works for me is sometimes to ask myself in a tone of kind of just a teasing tone of like, what's the worst that could happen? If I rest right now? What is the worst that could happen if I go sit on my porch and read a book for 15 minutes. And oftentimes, our mind is going to exaggerate the consequence of not being productive. But remind yourself that you are on a journey to heal, anxiety and depression, you are on a journey to regulate your nervous system. And I promise you that the most productive thing that you can do often is rest. Because it is essential for your well being and for your ability to be productive in the long run. 

Because many of you listening are in what's called functional freeze. Where the story inside your head is often I have to right now I have to right now. But I can't. I'm so overwhelmed. There's so much to do, but I can't. And so not only are you sitting there stressed out about all of the doing. But oftentimes you find yourself so overwhelmed with the need to do that you don't do and you just dissociative ly scroll on social media. And then you have the self loathing because 30 minutes later, you haven't done anything but you don't actually feel rested. 

And so reframing these thoughts around the value of rest, what if that was on your to do list, as importantly, as anything else. Jokingly kind of toy with your brain and your nervous system, what's the worst thing that could happen? If I took 15 minutes, put it to the test. Start small. Start by integrating small moments of catch, challenge and change small moments of rest into your day setting that timer for five minutes taking those three deep breaths. If you're one of the many listeners who's inside my rise membership, pausing and doing one of your reactive regulation tools that you know, work really well for your system. Your system is asking for a reset. Lateral eyes stretches diaphragmatic breathing is there a vagal toning practice that you can insert and over time your nervous system will learn that it is safe to rest, or at least safer to rest than maybe it was at one point in your life. 

It can also be helpful to use positive affirmations to practice building those into your daily routine. Phrases like it's safe for me to rest now, I deserve to relax even if everything isn't done. These affirmations can help to rewire your brain over time when practiced with intention, not just mute repetition, hopefully helping rest to feel like a more natural and acceptable thing to do. 

And one thing I've shared a number of times on the podcast is that what our system needs to repattern and rewire is repetition, reinforcement and reward. We've talked a lot about repetition, these small moments of change over time. reinforcement is looking for evidence that this new way of being can be okay. 

And reward. This is the last thing I want to talk about today. celebrate, celebrate these micro moments of change no matter how small because every time you choose to rest over completing just another task and other tasks and other tasks. You are teaching your nervous system a new pattern and when you can follow it up with Oh yeah, look at me go. I totally hated every minute of that five minutes sitting on my porch staring at the tools I needed to get put away, but I did it. What that's gonna do is that's gonna give you a little extra dose of dopamine. And your brain is gonna be like, Oh, we liked it. I wasn't sure that we liked that. But we liked that maybe we'll try that again, or we're more willing to try that again. So this repetition, reinforcement, and reward, celebrate the small moments of progress. repatterning, your default nervous system responses takes time. 

Last week, we talked about the default response of urgency. This week, we talked about the default response that is resistant to rest until you've done done, done done and done more. There are so many default responses out there, like we talked about last week, there can be a default response towards judgment towards avoidance. If there is a another pattern that you have that you'd like me to unpack or talk about here on the podcast, please send me an email. And this goes for any conversations that you would like me to have on the podcast, I love hearing from you, we have a couple of upcoming episodes that are in direct response to email requests that have been sent my way. I also link a form in the show notes of many of our episodes. And there's a simple Google form that you can fill out what are you struggling with? What do you want me to unpack what science do want to learn more about in regards to healing anxiety and depression through a nervous system lens. 

Now let's bring today's conversation together with our three takeaways. 

Number one, catch, it's this awareness phase. Last week was an invitation to notice the urge to move faster. This week is an invitation to notice the urge to do more to declining rest, because you feel like you can't until it's all done. And with that awareness. 

Takeaway number two, is to challenge to notice that urge of I can't I can't sit down I can't do that workout until X, Y or Z. But what if you can? What if you can take a moment to rest? What if you can take a moment to sit on the phone with a friend? What if you can take a moment to work out what if you can take a moment to insert anything that is not more work projects, or emails, or dishes or laundry are the things that you feel like you have to but instead choose something that you want to what if you can not just put off a task for five minutes What if you can leave a task and done take that moment to challenge. 

And then takeaway number three is to change. Take that moment, the five minutes, the 15 minutes or 24 hours, and let yourself be uncomfortable in the rest. Let yourself be uncomfortable until you're not using both top down mindset tools to support you and bottom up nervous system regulation tools to help you repattern and feel safer in rest. 

Alright friends, if this spoke to you today, that's my invitation. This is the way I invite you to step into your healing this week. And if you find yourself listening to this podcast week after week after week, gaining new insights, and then finding yourself stuck in how to put it into action in your everyday life. This is the work that we do every single day with our one on one coaching clients as well as those inside our membership. These are places I would love to support you, I would love to serve you, I would love to take these general concepts that we talked about in the podcast and apply it to the unique circumstances of your life. 

So if you're ever listening to these episodes and thinking, Oh, but like what about this, or I think my my circumstances unique. Those are the places where you can bring that and get personalized support and applying this to your very real, everyday life. And if you're curious about what that looks like there's links in the show notes. My DMs my inbox is always open for a pressure free conversation exploring whether our coaching might be the right fit for you. All right, until next time, I'm sending so much hope and healing your way. Take care.

Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support and applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside Rhys, my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space or apply for our one on one anxiety and depression coaching program restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the shownotes. Again, thanks so much for being here. And I'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai