How to Prep Your Nervous System for a Triggering Life Event

Episode 11

This conversation takes a bit of a personal turn as I share with you the 3 ways I'm preparing myself and my nervous system for the birth of my son. Even if you won't ever find yourself in a similar situation what I share in this conversation will give you a framework for how you can also prepare yourself for any big or potentially triggering event in your own life. Hit play to learn more!

CLICK HERE for the full show notes, resources, and 3 tangible takeaways!

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Transcript

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Amanda, welcome to regulate and rewire an anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong, and I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now let's dive in.

Hey everyone, today's conversation is going to feel a little bit different than some of our previous chats that are more educational. Today's gonna get a little bit more personal as I'm gonna talk you through how I am preparing my nervous system, my mind, my heart, my body, to birth another tiny human into the world. Now, even if you don't think, or you know for sure, that you're never going to find yourself in a similar situation where you are bringing a tiny human into the world, I still think there is going to be a lot of value into these conversation, because really, what I'm going to give you is the formula that I'm using to prepare for a big, hard and likely triggering event in my life. So that's what this is for me. Bringing a tiny human into the world is a big event. It's going to be challenging. It's going to put stress load on my nervous system, and because of the journey that I've walked to get here with this specific baby, I know that there are going to be a lot of potential triggers. So for those of you who have not been following my story, I do want to issue a little bit of a content warning for today's episode. I am going to mention miscarriage, that's been part of my journey. My first son came via an unplanned C section, and we'll talk just very candidly about grief and loss and birth. So if any of those are sensitive topics for you, please take care of yourself and
just just proceed with awareness. So like I said, I'm going to be applying this conversation in context for the big life event coming up for me, which is birthing this tiny human into the world. But as I go through some of the things I'm doing, I want you to filter it through. How can I apply this to something coming up in my life that I know feels really big and hard, or that I know might be potentially triggering, because there's going to be elements of that event that feel familiar to a time in my past when things were overwhelming or hard, and if you can't come up with a specific situation right now, this could be good information, because, you know, in the future you will, there will be some predictable, challenging event in all of our lives, because that's just part of the pesky human experience. So there are three primary things that I am doing to prepare for this big life event. Number one is to increase
the three safety determinants. So in any given moment, our nervous system is sourcing for context, choice and connection to determine how safe we are in a situation. The second thing I'm doing is I am doing a lot of proactive work and practices to create a more regulated baseline for myself. I want to go into
this event and experience feeling as stable and in control and regulated and capable as possible. The third thing I'm doing is to very intentionally cultivate some awareness and make space for self compassion that honors the story that I've lived to get here, I'm increasing my awareness for potential triggers, things that might show up for me and I have access, or I'm creating access to the tools and the resources to help me anchor likely, not if likely, when those show up for me. So I want to expand on each one of these and what they mean and what it looks like for me and what it might look like for you. So number one, I am increasing the scope of those three safety determinants for my nervous system, context, choice and connection. And I'm going to define each and talk a little bit about what I'm doing to cultivate more of them. So context is just answering the questions of, who, what, why, where, how
around this event. And so for me, some specifics like I mentioned, had an unplanned C section with my son, and at least with the physicians and midwives practice that I am a part of, there are kind of some rules around what's called a VBAC. So a VBAC, which is my goal for this delivery, just means that I'm going for a vaginal delivery after I've had a previous C section. And so I.
To provide some context around the situation, I've had to get really clear on, what are the hospital policies, what are the practice policies around a VBAC? And so I know that they won't induce. And so for those of you who aren't very familiar with birthing terms, if your baby doesn't come, usually by a week or two after their due date, they will do something called an induction, where it's basically medication that they give you to jump start going in to labor. So for me, I know that they won't induce for VBAC. So unless I go into labor naturally, on my own by usually you're having your baby around 40 weeks. But if I don't go into labor by 41 weeks, they're going to want to schedule my C section because they won't induce their certain hospital policies around repeated C sections, etc. So I am just educating myself preemptively, proactively
with the
facts of this situation as much as possible so I can understand where I have some element of choice, where I maybe don't. I'm also looking at the science and the statistics around VBACs. I'm gathering information for my ultrasounds around size of baby, etc. So I am answering as many of these questions, who, what, where, when, why and how as possible around this specific situation. And another thing to consider when it comes to context is, like I said, I delivered my first son in the same hospital that I'm going to deliver the baby I'm growing right now, part of my story has also been loss. So the only other birthing experience that I had was in an emergency room when I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks to another really beautiful baby boy. And so being in a hospital setting, delivering a baby is going to feel familiar to my nervous system, to a time when I did bring a healthy, thriving baby boy into the world, but not the way that I wanted, right? I didn't want that C section, and I had to navigate a lot of disappointment, and, you know, grief and a lot of things that come up just when things don't go according to plan in big life events, and then also it's going to feel familiar to the hardest day of my life, when I lost my second son, and what that experience was like. And so providing context around this specific, unique birthing experience is also going to help my nervous system to differentiate between then and now, because when something feels familiar to our nervous system in the present moment to a time in the past when we felt overwhelmed, we experienced trauma, etc,
we get disoriented. We don't know if we're there or here. We don't know if what we're experiencing is then or now. And so providing context as much as possible around this specific experience is going to help my nervous system to sort out and to realize, hey, we're here and not there. These are the choices. These are the options you have here. This is the experience that you're creating here. So just answering proactively for you, whether your big life event is a a big
presentation that you have to give at work, maybe it is seeing a parent for the first time in five years. And you know, this could be potentially triggering for me. There's a lot of this is an emotionally loaded situation. How can you answer those questions and provide as much context for your brain and your body as possible around it? Now, the second thing is choice. So when choice is restricted, we don't feel safe. And like I said, there are certain situations around this birthing experience for me, where, if I'm choosing to birth in a hospital, if I'm choosing to stick with this, physicians and midwives practice, they have rules, they have guidelines. They have ways that they do things that they won't budge on. And so I could sit here and write a story around how little choice I have in terms of this VBAC or induction. Basically, I get almost everything that I want from this birthing experience, as long as this baby comes on his own
by about 40 and a half to 41 weeks is the longest they'll stretch me for a number of reasons, and so I can sit here
and spiral out into anxiety around all of the ways that I might not get what I want from this birthing experience, all of the things that might go wrong, especially navigating a pregnancy and birth after loss,
or I can do my best to stay regulated and to write a narrative around how much choice I do have, and to take.
Radical accountability for the things that I have chosen. I have chosen that I am going to be in a hospital setting. I don't have to. I could birth right here in my bathtub if I wanted to, right? So I'm choosing that. I'm choosing to stay with this physicians and midwives practice, even though there are certain policies that I'm like, Oh, I mean, I wish those were different. And even if it comes down to another C section. Nobody is going to impose on my bodily autonomy and roll me into an or without my permission. So even ending up with a birth story that wasn't my first choice can still be a choice. And so that's what I'm focusing on, is creating as much choice around this experience as possible, and what this could look like for you again. You don't have to give a big work presentation, you don't have to show up. You could get fired, you could any and all of the above, right? Same thing maybe this big life event is seeing a parent you've maybe been estranged from for a while, or a sister or a friend or anything, right? You don't have to show up. You're choosing to show up. And then how can you also provide choice there? And so let's say maybe this big life event for you is simply going to a restaurant that you experienced a tough breakup, and now you are going to this restaurant for the next time because it's your friend's birthday and you want to be there to support your friend, but you know that this restaurant could be potentially triggering for you. Well, can you drive yourself there? Can you give yourself choice in how and when and where you show up and when you leave? And so this is all just about creating a sense of control and choice as much as possible in this situation that you have coming up for you. And then that third determinant for safety is connection. So the sense of connection to yourself, having connection and support from somebody else, being able to have a co regulator in an event with you. And so for me, this is building a sense of trust and mutual respect for the providers that I'm working with myself the baby, but most importantly for me in this specific event is my husband. Right? If you are somebody who's been married, you know that in marriage, there are seasons where you feel more connected to your partner, and seasons where you maybe feel a little less connected to your partner. You're on kind of some funky, different paths, and it ebbs and it flows. So one of the ways that I am preparing my nervous system for this is my husband and I are being really intentional about cultivating connection,
having conversations that are meaningful, making sure that he is aware and knows how to advocate for me throughout this event. And so that could be the same in your event. Do you have somebody who can be a safe person for you, who can maybe be at this event with you, or maybe they can't? Maybe it's just somebody that you need to be available for you afterwards to process some of the anxiety that comes up or what happened or before, to help you just know that you're capable and confident so having a sense of connection outside of you is
incredibly resourceful for your nervous system. So that's number one, increasing the scope of those three safety determinants, context, choice and connection. I'm doing this around this birthing experience, but you can also do this around whatever big life event you have coming up for you. Now, the second thing that I'm doing is really focusing on creating a more regulated baseline for my nervous system now, so that I can go into this event as regulated as possible. Right? The key to nervous system regulation is practicing your coping skills when you're calm, so that you have access to them when you are in crisis, when you are escalated, dysregulated. And so how am I doing this? I'm doing this in three primary ways. Way, number one is I am spending the next few weeks before my due date, minimizing my stress load as much as possible. And the way that I am minimizing my stress load is by asking for help, which is not usually super easy for me, but I am getting better at it. I am not working relentlessly up to the second I leave for the hospital like I did with my first son. It was almost a joke during my pregnancy with my first son, my husband has an entire folder full of pictures of me laptop open, either on my belly or near my belly. Me passed out like I was working consistently to the point of falling asleep on the couch with my laptop open because I was in a place in my business where I didn't have the support that I have now. And so I in preparing for this pregnancy, I have incredible humans on my team now who can support me, and I have the wonderful gift of being able to step back from a lot of my workload to prepare for this big event. And so looking at your life and your.
Event, are there things that you can step back from in your life to give you a little bit more capacity to prepare for the event that you have coming up? And that part of that is making a hard decision of like, what really matters and what doesn't, and so minimizing my stress load, I'm asking for help. I'm not working to the last second. I'm giving creating space in my life, and I'm also not exposing myself to other people's birth traumas, or hearing what has gone wrong for other people in their experience, in bringing tiny humans into the world. It's part it's my job to hold space for people's hard stories. And I absolutely when I get to the other side of this. Want to hold space for your hard stories, and want to hear about the grief, and I want to support and I have supported so so many women in navigating anxiety after loss, especially miscarriage and getting pregnant again and all of that. But right now, for the next month, I will not be holding space for those stories. I can direct you to other people who can hold can hold space for those stories if you need it, but I need to make sure that I am exposing myself to
as minimal what possibly could go wrong scenarios. So the second thing that I'm doing to create a more regulated baseline is daily practices that promote regulation. So even though being really round and really pregnant means that your quality of sleep decreases because you're also waking up a million times in the middle of the night to pee, I know that sleep is a huge determinant for how capable and regulated I feel, and so I'm making a priority of getting the highest quality sleep I can under my current conditions,
getting morning sunlight in my eyeballs is a non negotiable. So for anywhere from five to 15 minutes. It's usually close to 10. I'm out on my porch. I'm doing some breath work, some vision therapy drills, all things that I know help my nervous system to stay regulated, movement in various forms. I'm stretching my body lots of squats. I'm also, in a minute, gonna talk about some more intense workouts that I'm doing, not necessarily intense, intense, but intense for the stage of pregnancy and why so movement. I have a specific practice that I love, love, love, and it's Mala meditation. And for you, those of you those of you don't know, a mala is just a bracelet with beads on it, and I'll typically just take one breath per bead. And what I love about this is it's something I can do now, but it's also a tool that I can bring into the hospital with me. And so when I birthed my first son, I had a mala that helped to keep me really grounded. I held it. I use it for some breath. And so these daily regulation practices are unique to me. These are things I know that help me to stay regulated, sleep, morning, sunlight, movement, breath, work, this Mala meditation, I'm doing some visualization of what I want this experience to look like and to feel like and like I said. Not hearing other people's birth trauma is another way that I am stealing staying regulated on a daily basis. So asking yourself, what are the things that I can do more consistently leading up to this event in my life that are just going to help me feel more regulated, more calm and more capable? And if you're like, well, like, I don't know, this is exactly what we help people identify in our coaching programs at rise as we are the unique regulation practices that support their nervous system. And then the third thing that I'm doing, to go into this with a more regulated baseline, and I would even maybe say a more capable baseline, is I'm doing some daily practices to increase my capacity for stress. So not only am I trying to kind of limit the load on my nervous system, but I'm also trying to increase my capacity to carry load. Because guess what? Birthing a tiny human
the hardest workout you're ever going to do. It's it's intense, knowing that this is potentially going to hold a lot of triggers for me that's going to be psychologically intense. And so two things that I am doing to increase my capacity for stress in my physiology, within my psychology, is a I've decided to start going back to a CrossFit gym
in the last month of my pregnancy. It's been a long time since worked out at home for for the last few years, I used to basically live in a gym. I was a personal trainer and a crossfit coach, lots of things, but I said I want the community. I want the no brainer. I want to just show up and be told what to do. I know that I'm going to be able to have a healthy level of competition. Right? Being in this community is going to feel empowering for me. I'm going to push myself a little bit harder than I would lifting weights in my sunroom, but I also trust myself to not push myself beyond what my body is currently capable of doing. So I'm preparing my body's physiology by challenging myself physically to increase that capacity. And then I'm also doing cold exposure. So I'm doing that either by face Immersions in cold water or cold showers. So I.
In the last you know, two to three minutes of my shower cold that's something that also creates more resilience in my nervous system, regulates my nervous system, and we'll have a whole other episode in chat about the benefits of cold exposure. But those are the three things that I'm doing to create a more regulated baseline and to prep my nervous system for this actual experience. Is I'm minimizing my daily stress load. I am doing daily practices to promote nervous system regulation, and then I'm also being really intentional right now to have certain practices that increase my capacity for stress. So essentially, the idea is that it's going to take way more stress to dysregulate me. So if I was going to get dysregulated at a stress level four. With this work, it's going to take a stress level 678, or nine before I'm actually moving outside my window of tolerance into a state of dysregulation.
And the third thing that I'm doing is finding really quiet, tender moments to honor my story
and to be aware of the potential triggers that might show up for me.
Cultivating this awareness and this self compassion is such an important part of this because the truth is this experience
is gonna hold a lot of nuance for me. Again,
for those of you who don't know, this journey to get here has been tough.
I got pregnant pretty quick with my first son, normal pregnancy like I shared that birthing experience didn't go according to plan, but it went good enough, and a year later, we decided we were going to start trying for baby number two. And that became four subsequent miscarriages. Three of them were pretty early, and like I said, that one little boy that we lost at 16 weeks shattered both simultaneously shattered my world and has put it together in a really intentional and beautiful way since.
But the reality is,
part of me would give anything to have that little boy, to have not lost him, and there's another part of me that wouldn't give anything to not get the opportunity to hold and raise the little boy that's currently in my body. And both of those things are contradictory, because if I wouldn't have lost my second son,
I wouldn't be about ready to meet this little boy, my third son here in my body,
and so looking at this experience and knowing
that what's going to come up for me is both hope and excitement love as well as loss and grief and fear, and that there has been an element Of all of those things, every day of this pregnancy, there hasn't been a day of this pregnancy that I haven't wondered if I might lose him too after four miscarriages. Of course, right? Of course, my brain goes there. Of course, I'm afraid of that,
and I have been really, really intentional and gotten a lot of support in making sure that I have stayed in the head space and in the heart space, that also has the capacity to have held hope every day of this pregnancy, that continues to hold hope going into this experience, that I just might get everything that I want out of this birthing experience, that I just might have the healthiest baby boy and come home and create a beautiful life with him in it.
And in addition to all of that,
right, like it needs another layer. Last year, we lost my sister in law to colon cancer.
She was somebody who had also struggled a little bit with infertility. So quick side story, part of that was after those four losses, we did decide to do IVF. So that's been part of my journey as well. And IVF takes an incredible toll on your mind and your body and your heart, but that's what brought this beautiful boy into our family, and so we're grateful for it. But in losing my sister in law, as she knew she was getting to the end of her battle with cancer and
probably wasn't going to make it, one of the last exchanges that we had was essentially her saying, Please hold my baby's Earth side, and when I get to heaven, I will send I'll basically point your next baby in the right direction and make sure that they keep coming. And so there's an element of loss and grief that I'm going to have feeling her in that room with me. And so a huge part for me
in preparing my nervous system and my heart and my mind and my body for the six.
Experience is not expecting that there's any amount of preparatory work that I can do that is going to make me exempt from being triggered, that is going to make me exempt from also feeling deep grief and sadness alongside joy and hope and love.
And instead, I am trying not to
decrease the likelihood of those things happening, but to increase my capacity to hold them when they do. And
an analogy I often use, you know, when we're talking about, you know trauma healing or recovering from a trigger, right? If you go into a gym, 50 pounds is 50 pounds. My grief, my life experience, the trauma that we've been through as a family, collectively in the last couple years. Like it's 50 pounds. There's not much I can do to make it not 50 pounds, but there are things that I can do to increase my capacity to carry that, and maybe I get to a point where I can carry 50 pounds in one hand and a little baby in the other, and I can make space for both. I often define anxiety as an overestimation of threat paired with an underestimation of your ability to manage the threat. And I think throughout this entire pregnancy, I've been really, really intentional about
not overestimating the threat. Of course, there's been the fears and I've had the thought spirals, and those moments have come up. But what can I do to intentionally
cultivate confidence in my ability to manage threat, my ability to manage whatever this situation, the circumstance holds. Who do I need? What do I need? What is the resourcing and the support
that this event and this situation calls for in my life?
And so again, reflecting this back on the circumstances and the situations, if you've made it this far in this episode, if you continue to come back to my podcast, you've walked through really hard things in your life,
or things that felt hard for you. And we're not comparing our hard to anybody else's hard.
Your journey holds hard, and there are going to be situations, there are going to be events in your future. Maybe some of them are already on your calendar, maybe not yet, that you know are going to to carry and reflect some of the hard you've experienced back to you. And so what can you
do to prepare yourself to walk through those events with as much capacity and regulation as possible?
And so the three tangible takeaways from our conversation today is one, just this awareness and this framework
for how you can prepare your nervous system ahead of time for these big and or potentially triggering events in your life.
How can you proactively get regulated, find the support exploring the questions like, what does this event entail for me? What might come up for me? What will I need to feel supported and capable as I navigate this
tangible takeaway number two is that your autonomic nervous system is always sourcing and searching for context, choice and connection, and lack of these cues is what activates or exasperates our stress response. So looking at this, and again, this is all about predictable life events that you know are coming up and could be potentially triggering for you. What can you do to proactively create more context around this situation, choice, connection. And then number three is,
what are you doing right now on a daily basis? What coping skills are you practicing when you're calm that you know are going to support you when you maybe feel like you're in crisis? What are you doing on a daily basis? And what you do on a daily basis now is what is going to carry you through these bigger life moments, it is what creates a more regulated baseline and gives you access to those tools when you're in heightened states of stress.
So ask yourself right now, what is one thing that I can do daily that I know is going to be supportive to me in the moments that I need it most? And then part of that is also being intentional about cultivating awareness and deep self compassion for
what it is that you've walked through that is going to make this event potentially challenging.
And as you do these things, you are going to increase your capacity for nuance, for both being excited about something and scared about something, for feeling both grief and joy.
And for me, the reality is bringing a tiny human into the world.
It's tough. It's tough. Physics.
It's going to be tough psychologically. It's going to be tough on my heart for a number of reasons that I've shared with you in this conversation. It's going to be especially tough after loss, after things not going according to plan in the past. And I just want to remind you that you are not meant to walk through these events and these experiences on your own, and if grief or hardship or trauma, loss has been part of your journey like mine, I want to assure you that you do have the capacity to hold it all when you learn to