A Note on Grief & The New Year

Episode 45

I had a really curated “regulated reflection” planned for this episode but that was until I almost had a panic attack in a pizza place while on a family vacation last week and decided, let’s talk about that instead. Join me for a conversation on grief, hope, and why I’d really love to have you join me on Thursday for my annual NYE Circle event.

This is my largest community event of the year, over 100 people have signed up so far and I’d love for you to be there too!

CLICK HERE to learn more & save your spot! (Ps. It’s free)

I also mentioned my book in this conversation which is finally available for pre-order, CLICK HERE for that!

Website: https://www.riseaswe.com/podcast

Email: amanda@riseaswe.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amandaontherise/

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@amandaontherise

Transcript

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Welcome to regulate, and rewire and anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong. And I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now let's dive in.

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So where to start? Maybe we'll just maybe we'll just jump right in December 17. Two years ago, I had a late miscarriage. I delivered a tiny little boy at just over 16 weeks and the grief was unimaginable. That day, that experience unraveled me in what has come to be some really beautiful ways. And it was hard. It's one of those things that rocked me to my core. And when planning this 10 Day family trip to Puerto Rico this year, I knew that his second birthday was going to fall towards the end of this trip. So it was on my radar. And as we do, I just had this very idealistic plan, I figured I would wake up early, walk to the beach, have a good cry, and then just get on with whatever the plans were for our vacation that day. And things rarely work out. feelings don't often get felt in convenient ways. So the day came, it was a Sunday, and I woke up. I was very aware of the day I kind of checked in and I was like I'm actually feeling I'm feeling fine. Like I'm feeling good. It's like okay, like, maybe I'm off the hook this year. So I got up started making breakfast. We were talking about the plans for the day. And it made me feel helpful to note it or to note that the significance of this day was not on anybody else's radar, but mine. And I didn't mention it. I was just holding that to be whatever it needed to be for me that day. 

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So we had breakfast, got in the car, we went to church and then decided we were going to spend the day in Old San Juan. So it's part of San Juan that has this amazing fort that was built by the Spanish it took them like 250 years to build. All of the rows of homes there are like these bright colors. It's just if you're ever in Puerto Rico, make sure that you spend a day in Old San Juan. It's a really fun place. So we decided we were gonna go to this pizza place that came highly recommended for lunch. So we're walking up the street, we get to the restaurant we go upstairs we get seated and my three year old just does what three year olds do. He spills a whole glass of water, and it just happens to fall in my lap. Like, okay, like annoying. Sure, but okay. And then he's in this phase where he just repeats the same I want, I want, I want, I want I want I want Are you annoyed because I'm annoyed that I've said that so many times. And it's one of those things, it just grinds my gears. I think we all have a thing that our kids do that just gets to us. And for me, it's this like, repetitive, same statement over and over and over again. So something about like his drink or his water, or I think he wanted lemonade. And so I'm like, feeling myself getting irritated with him. Like, okay, but like, yeah, moms get irritated with their kids. And then he starts hitting his fork on the table. And I'm like, oh, like bout to go to have a have probably not my fine parenting moment. But luckily, he's like, Mom, I gotta poop. And I was like, Okay, let's go to the bathroom. Which is good for me. Because I know when I am starting to feel really activated inside, like moving is one of the bet we'll talk more about that in a minute. But getting your body into motion is one of the best things having some distraction point. So I look to my parents who are on this trip with us, and I give them my order. And I take my son to the bathroom. And I come back, and we're sitting at the table, and then they bring what's supposed to be mine on my husband's pizza. And it's the wrong order. And so I'm trying to figure out like, did my parents Miss order did the waitress misunderstand. And I'm like, kind of making a big deal about the fact that this pizza is wrong. Now mind you, I am not a picky eater. If you label it pizza, I'm going to eat it in my brain. And I think a lot of you can probably relate to this experience. Like I'm kind of making a big deal out of something that I know isn't a big deal. And I know that I don't want to be making a big deal out of it. And there's part of me inside that's like, I just wanted what I wanted. There's another part of me that's like, Yeah, but like you're totally fine with what showed up that actually looks amazing. Like, why are you making such a big deal about this right now. And I can feel my body just like getting tighter, my like, chest is getting really heavy. And it's starting to come up into my throat. Right now this whatever's going on in my body right now feels like a volcano and it is about to erupt. And I take one deep breath. That's about all the space I could give myself. And I just turned to my husband. I bluntly slay there's no sugarcoating here. I just look at him, and I say I'm about to have a panic attack. I gotta go for a walk. And I leave. And I walked. And I walked and I walked, and I walked. And I want okay, we'll finish the story in a minute. But I want to talk about the walking for a minute. Because here's where I think we sometimes go wrong. Too often. We feel this bubbling, we feel our system activate. And we stay put. And I used to do this all the time, I'd feel anxiety creeping in. And I would do whatever it took to just stay where I was to pretend like I was fine to pretend like nothing was happening. And sometimes I got away with it. But eventually, it always found a way to come out. And I also think that there's this misunderstanding of nervous system regulation work sometimes. It's not about always being able to get calm. It's about understanding your different Nervous System States being able to recognize the state that you're in and to know what that state means. Anxiety is an activation of your physiology. Anxiety requires some kind of physical movement to have it expressed. This is your body in a state of sympathetic activation. It changes your physiology in real ways. This is your fight or flight response and our nervous system when it perceives a threat or a stressor, which can be a pesky toddler and just overstimulation. It also can be emotions inside and I just happen to have both this day. Our nervous systems preferred response is usually to flee is just to avoid the stressor altogether. When that's not an option. It'll usually opt for fight. And if that doesn't seem like an option, that's when our system will just shut down. It'll numb it'll dissociate, it'll disconnect. And so as I'm feeling all of this come up for me, I realize I have about a split Second,

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to flee before I choose fight in a bigger way than I was fighting because really wasn't what I was trying to do by figuring out well, who messed up with the pizza and why wasn't right. It's because I was trying to control something external because I, my insides felt so out of control. And I couldn't articulate that clearly in the moment. But in hindsight, like, that's exactly what was happening. It was like, let me try to dig my claws in and fight this situation. Because my insights feel really out of control right now. And nervous system regulation. work isn't about getting calm. So much as it is about creating capacity and connection, connection with self to know what you need in those moments and capacity to hold the heart. Not if but when it shows up. So I left and I will acknowledge that I had the privilege to walk away. If I was at lunch with my kids by myself, I couldn't have done that we're not always in situations, we don't always have a circumstance that we can walk away from. But this time I did. And so I walked and I walked and I walked and I walked until I found this little nuk where I could be kind of off the street where it felt private. And it was overlooking the ocean. And I just sat there. And I sat and I felt and cried and remembered and I wrote and I'm not somebody who journals regularly, but when I need to do it, I do and when I write it is and always has been very, very cathartic for me. And on this day, for the past couple years, I've made a point to write and I just seek to find words for this day, the anniversary of the hardest, man, the hardest, but what's also come to be one of the most sacred days of my life up to this point. And I put some words together and I shared them on the 18th. So the day after on Instagram, and I think I'm going to just share that with you here too. And I titled this writing a note on grief. And it read grief is often inconvenient. Well out to lunch yesterday, my son was pushing buttons water spilt and then they brought their own pizza order to the table. Most other days. I could have brushed that off, but yesterday. Nope. I felt it bubbling up like a volcano I caught just before erupting. I have to go. I'm about to panic. I left my family sitting at the table and walked outside. I kept walking and walking and walking a few blocks away. I text my husband. I won't be coming back. It wasn't about the pizza. I'm overtired, and it's been it's birthday today. walking up the street in Old San Juan. I felt the emotion building tears building one blink away from showering my cheeks. There was a moment I tried to stifle them. Naturally, there were people around, what would they think of me? Then I heard a whisper from within. It doesn't matter. Let them come. They came. I decided it was okay for me to be the girl in their stories that they saw walking up the street in tears. It was more important for me to have my own back to hold my own heart and what I was feeling than to suppress it for the sake of other people's comfort. For a moment I thought I might cry forever. And then just as quickly as it came on, it would settle. It seemed every other block I walked came with a new wave, crash and then come have a motion. Part of me hated the emotion for coming at all. And then another part of me felt guilty when it settled. Like somehow it only counted if it was bigger, louder or longer. Another block and the rain began to fall. I felt ready to settle into my senses. I noticed the wind on my skin. The difference between the cold rain hitting my face and the warm tears rolling down it. How my breath moved through my body, the sound of the ocean rumbling just ahead of me. Here's the thing. Grief doesn't have a timestamp. It doesn't matter how long it's been or how much healing you've done. with grief, more rain will always fall, more waves will always come. What's different is I'm better at letting it come and knowing it will settle. The work we do to heal, it doesn't prevent the heart are heavy. It simply gives us the capacity for their intensity. We learn to stop trying to calm the storms. And instead to calm ourselves, knowing the storm will pass. Grief is one of the hardest parts of being human. I see you and your hard as I walk through my own. I also carry a light of hope in that darkness that I hope you'll see too. There's a beautiful life to build around what you've lost, while still holding it tenderly. Let the waves come and let it be okay when they come to happy heavenly birthday, sweet boy. Oh, another part of the story was that just before standing up to go meet back with my family, I felt like I was in a much more settled place and could take on whatever my three year old was ready to ready to hand me. And I just kind of turned to the ocean, I turned to the sky and I asked for a little something assigned from the other side of this life. And within the hour, I looked up to see the not only the brightest rainbow that I have ever seen in my life. But it was a just crisp and clear double rainbow. And not only that, but I've never been able to see the full arch of a rainbow like where it hits the earth in both places. And it had a start in the ocean. And then the other end just on the shore. And I wish all of you could have been there it was it was just really special. It was just really, really special. And the most magical thing that I've ever seen the healing work that I have done. And I do every day. And the work that I now guide others in it does not prevent the storms. But this work this nervous system work gives you greater capacity to weather them. And I know it might seem weird to segue this conversation into who me inviting you to join me in just two days for my annual New Year's Eve circle event. But let me tell you why it's not such a weird segue. Two years ago, after my last mid December, I cancelled every single coaching call work, meeting, project, social, everything. Everything that I had, for the next I think three to four weeks through that first week in January for sure just to make space for whatever this grieving process needed to look like for me, I canceled everything. Everything except for my new year's eve circle event. And it wasn't because I didn't want to let people down. It was because I knew that I needed to be lifted up and held by that community. And I needed the experience of that event. And it was profoundly healing. And I know some of you listening to this podcast, were there with me a couple years ago. And it was healing not just for me, but for so many people who were there as well who messaged me afterwards sharing the things that they had moved through the things that they had processed and felt settled for them as well. Community is medicine. And one of the things that I often have to chuckle about is that when talking about my coaching programs, I talk about how

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both my rice membership and our one on one coaching like these are the programs these are the tools that I wish I would have had in my healing journey and I couldn't find them. And so when I got to a place where I was healed enough, I decided to create them. And I've created these programs and rises we thinking that I was creating them for other people not realizing until much later. How much I too was going to need to Lean into the community part of this from time to time. And so here's my invitation to you. Whether this has been your best year, your worst year, or something in between, I promise there is something for you in this event. This is the fourth year I will be hosting this event, it is my largest community event of the year, we have over 100 people signed up already. And it's absolutely free. So that's happening in just two days on December 28. At 8pm. It's about a 90 minute guided event where you will learn more about your nervous system, you're going to experience guided regulation practices, there's going to be music and journaling and breathing and even our tradition of burning your fears. If you decide to sign up, I'll send you an email with more details about what that entails. And every year this event is a little bit different. But each time it powerfully combines ritual and tradition with nervous system regulation and release. It's going to be an opportunity for you to deeply connect with your body and regulate your nervous system. Release things from this year that are no longer serving you, I'm going to offer a place for you to set some regulated intentions for your life and for your healing will also hold space to celebrate. Because even if this has been a hard year for you, there is so much to celebrate how far you've come the way that you have held yourself tenderly resiliently the way that you're still showing up. And what I think this event does more than anything is it offers you a place to feel safely and transformational held in community. And this in and of itself ignites a deep sense of hope for healing. So like I said, whether this has been best year worst year, something in between, there's something for you here, this is a fully guided event, no need to prepare to have ever been to any of my anything's ever before. Just come as you are where you are. And I'll drop the link in the show notes where you can learn more and save your seat. One other thing I think I'll share is, I remember a handful of months after our loss, which just happened to also be followed six months later by the loss of my sister in law to colon cancer 2021 and 2022. Were real tough, real tough years on our family. But I remember someone sending me a message saying something like I've been following you for a while. And I think it's finally time I reached out for support. And I replied asking, I'd love that I'm so proud of you. I'm curious, like why now what makes me or my programs, and right now feel like the right fit for you. And I'll never forget her response. It is something that I hold really tenderly. She said, I have watched you walk through the unimaginable over the past year and stay standing. I don't know how you've done it. But if you can, it must be possible. And I'd like to learn how to. And the very last thing in my book that we'll publish next year is the acknowledgments. And part of it reads to my clients, I've learned so much from and with each of you. It's an absolute honor to be invited into your healing journey. And to my husband, and our three sons, the one Earth side, the one we lost, and the one on the way. You are the loves of my life and my deepest inspiration. You have been the catalyst for so much of my own healing, and are my most dedicated and enthusiastic fans. Thanks for your unwavering support, the reminders of just how capable I am. And the shared enthusiasm for how important the work I do in the world is I believe wholeheartedly in everybody's ability to heal. And I believe even more wholeheartedly in the role that community has as part of that healing. I would love. First of all, thank you for being here. Thanks for letting me share this part of my story. Thanks for showing up week after week and this has just been fun. This is I think we've spent over 24 ours together in podcasts since this launched, and I am just grateful for each and every one of you in being part of this community. And I would love for you to come and be a part of that with us on Thursday. I would love to support you in resetting from the holidays and just moving into 2024 as your year to create more connection, more calm, more community and more healing. So alright, that's it for today. The link to join this event is in the show notes and I'll see you there. Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support and applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside Rhys, my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space or apply for our one on one anxiety depression coaching program restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the show notes. Again, thanks so much for being here. And I'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai