Is This a Setback or a Step Forward in Healing?

In this episode, we explore whether intense emotional moments—like panic attacks or big cries—are setbacks or signs of progress. Learn what happens in your nervous system during big emotional releases, why healing can feel harder before it gets better, and how to support yourself through these experiences.

Click here to see the photo of story #3 moments before my friend helped get my shoulder back in place.

Takeaways:

1. What feels like a setback might actually be progress - when you begin regulation work, intense emotional releases often mean your system finally feels safe enough to process stored tension.
2. Healing doesn't have to feel overwhelming & it’s often not when you have context (understanding what’s happening), choice (the ability to engage at your own pace), and connection (support from others or yourself).
3. Regulation and resourcing is a skill that gets easier over time. Just like learning to reset my dislocated shoulder became easier with experience, navigating emotional releases becomes more manageable as you practice supporting yourself and build your capacity for regulation.

Next Week:
We’ll explore the connection between a parent’s healing and their child’s emotional well-being, tackling parental guilt and co-regulation.

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Transcript

0:00  
Welcome to regulate and rewire an anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong, and I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here.

Oftentimes, in our healing journeys, we have experiences that feel and look more like setbacks that might actually be signs of progress. So some examples that we've seen with our clients are things like increased emotional sensitivity. They come into a session, they express that they are feeling emotions more intensely. They're crying more often than before. Why is this happening when they've been doing all of this work, and while this might feel frustrating, it might feel overwhelming, oftentimes, what we find is that this means that they are no longer suppressing emotions, and they're actually starting to process them. They're learning how to be with them. And this is one of those things where it's uncomfortable in that learning process, so that in the future, you can have more capacity, so that it feels easier to be with emotion and not need to distract and suppress. 

Another example of something that might feel like a setback, that could actually be a sign of progress, is feeling more frequently triggered. So situations that maybe didn't bother you before suddenly feel harder to navigate, and this is because you're now navigating them with a little bit more awareness, maybe with more connection to self, and so it's more obvious the things that don't fit into the more healed version of the life that you want to live. This could also indicate that you're becoming more aware of your nervous system patterns, and all of this awareness is that first step to creating change in your life. 

Another thing we hear a lot from clients is general exhaustion, especially for somebody who has been in a highly activated state for a long time, there is this season where they just feel tired. I am exhausted, and two things are often at play here. Number one is they maybe are just more tuned in to their body's cues of exhaustion and tired, where before they'd grab another cup of coffee, they would get a little deeper into that stress response, more adrenaline, more cortisol into their system, and just power through. And oftentimes, what we see is as you start to create more safety in your life, you start to regulate your nervous system. There is this season of recalibrating of your body feeling safe enough to actually get restorative rest to repair what has often been done in states of long term chronic stress.

Now today, we're going to talk more about this, this concept of something that looks or feels like a setback, but might actually be progress in your healing journey through a real life experience that one of you listeners wrote in and shared with me with this question of, is this a step forward or a step back? 

So for context, here's her message. It read quote, I'm slowly delving into your book, writing things down and really trying to apply it for the first time, I've also been doing some of the polyvagal calming exercises in the last few days. Now, this morning, my six year old son was dysregulated for school drop off. He often has a hard time and gets anxious. I usually bounce back from dropping him off, but this morning, I got back home and had a panic attack, and then ugly cried for 30 minutes. This hasn't happened to me before. I was even making groaning noises while I was crying, it felt like I was trying to release so much emotion. Is this a step back or a step forward? I'm doing all of this to help with my constant feeling of being activated and restless this morning has been really hard, and I'm scared that I have taken a step back.

My hope for today is that I hope you better understand some of these messy moments, what they might mean and how you can support yourself through them. Let's start by looking at what could be happening here. Why didn't experience that she can usually bounce back from spiral into a panic attack. And my first thought is that it was likely one of two things, either number one, maybe there was just an above average stress load on her system already, and so this thing that she usually has capacity for just put her over the edge. If you're familiar with the stress bucket analogy that I've talked about a lot on the podcast, sometimes we talk about when we have a disproportionate reaction to something or a bigger reaction to something than we normally do, either it is because it points towards past pain, or it was just the last drop in our stress bucket before it over flowed. So possibly that there was just an above average stress load drop off, just center system over the edge. Or it could be that in working to regulate her nervous system, she has made more room for her emotions to be experienced, instead of just suppressed or disconnected from or distracted away and feeling your feelings, especially at first, can feel foreign and uncomfortable to the point of overwhelm. 

And the second possibility is what I want to expand on today. This experience is so common for our clients in wondering whether feeling things more intensely is a step back or a step forward. And what this person described this panic attack, intense crying and then accompanying physical and emotional sensations. Might have been an emotional release. It might have been an emotional release that came too big, too fast, overwhelming the system, because maybe this person hasn't explored the tools that help them anchor and resource and reset.

But nonetheless, without working with this person, one on one, my thoughts are, you are stepping into exploring your nervous system, building awareness. You've started to practice some of these regulatory tools that communicate safety to your nervous system, potentially create capacity. And it's possible that you are inviting your body to process what it has been holding, what it has been storing, or what it has been suppressing for years. Think about it this way. Think about your nervous system like a pressure cooker. For a long time, you have likely been operating with the lid sealed tight, managing your daily stressors while just trying to maintain function, starting somatic healing. Different exercises can be like slowly releasing the pressure valve and sometimes, hopefully, most of the time, what comes out is just this gentle steam, but other times it might be more like an intense burst of stored emotion, that 30 minute cry, those involuntary sounds that might have been your body saying, finally, finally, it is safe enough to let this out. And while this kind of release can be scary or confusing, it might be your body saying, I am ready. I'm ready to process some of this. I'm ready to let this go. 

but I want to remind you, like we talked about in episode 87 this letting go, this releasing, this dipping into heart, emotions, experiences, needs to happen in a titrated way, little by little and often with support. Because here's what's happening when we've been chronically activated, like this person mentioned, I am here because I feel restless and activated so much of the time, our nervous system is holding a lot of tension and stored energy, like we've talked about many times, stress is either processed or it's stored as this survival energy in our body, and when you begin working towards more regulated living using different regulation and somatic practices, what oftentimes happens is that you create capacity. You create a greater felt sense of safety in your system to start processing what it's been holding. And it often follows in line with this concept of it might things might feel a little worse before it feels better, but what I want and need you to know is that it shouldn't feel that much worse before it starts to feel better. Trauma trained, trauma informed support and care means that we help our clients resource themselves, know how to have different regulatory resources, to have the body awareness to see when things are becoming maybe too big, too fast, and how to pull back from that or lean into different support systems for that far.

Far too often, I hear stories of people working with practitioners who jump directly into trauma, into talking about the worst of their experiences, or going even somatically, into things too big, too fast, before a client has a firm foundation of resources of these things to anchor us while we face our storms. These could be different tools and practices, people, context for our experience, and when we jump into our trauma, without these anchors, it can be a setback. And so this is why the answer to this question isn't black and white. It isn't yes this was absolutely progress or no, this was absolutely a setback. It overwhelmed your system. Was there anchoring for you to come back to how did you feel afterwards, and I will have some filtering questions towards the end of our conversation for you to help figure out and determine whether some of these experiences are moving you forward or maybe a step backwards and how to take that information and do something helpful. 

But the point I want to make with this is that trauma happens in experiences that overwhelm the nervous system, causing it to become stuck in these chronic states of survival. Healing needs to happen in experiences that are not overwhelming, that feel supportive and safe most of the time, and don't confuse this for healing should be comfortable and good, as you likely know. This journey is not always that there are going to be moments of discomfort, seasons of discomfort, but we want to work to minimize overwhelm. And there's a difference. Healing is confronting mentally and physically in so many ways, but just like a workout that improves, your fitness is going to be uncomfortable. You expect that, but too much can cause injury in healing. Same thing, it is going to be uncomfortable. We should expect that, but too much can cause setbacks. So the question now becomes, what makes it possible to face some of these harder things without overwhelm? And support is obviously one of those things. But I want to bring this back to a conversation around context, choice and connection. These are the things that our nervous system looks for to determine safety. Overwhelming experiences oftentimes happen when there's a lack of context, a lack of sense of choice, a lack of connection, and when we can cultivate more of these in any circumstance or around any experience, it can help us feel more anchored as we navigate, as we re pattern, as we rewire those hard things and understanding this will directly tie back to the fundamental question that this person asked of was it this panic attack, a setback or a step forward? Because the answer is, it depends. And what it depends on is understanding and assessing that experience through a lens of context, choice and connection. 

And I want to expand on this conversation through a lens of physical healing and a personal experience. I have dislocated my shoulder 11 times now my hope is that many of you haven't shared this experience. So here's a little bit more information. A dislocated shoulder happens when your upper arm bone kind of pops out of the socket, often due to physical trauma. It is terribly painful when your shoulder is dislocated, but as soon as soon as it is reset, there is an immediate relief, but the resetting process really sucks, and you are healing likely because you want to reset a part of your mind, your body, your life, your past that feels out of place, and part of the process to reset that thing for you, it's going to suck. It's going to be hard. It's likely going to be painful at times. Some of it you'll be able to do on your own, some of it you won't. And this isn't dissimilar to my shoulder dislocations, so I want to tell you about four of my 11 dislocations to illustrate. I know this seems like a little strange analogy, I promise I won't be graphic, and I hope that a it's entertaining and just a different way for you to understand these concepts and the process of healing from a supported place to being able to do some of this resetting and this healing work from a more independent place. And how this ties back to context, choice and connection, and whether certain experiences that we have in our healing journey become steps forward or steps back. It'll illustrate how with more experience with these things, you become better equipped to support yourself in this resetting. 

Now it makes sense to start at the beginning. So dislocation Story number one is the very first time this happened, and it was while I was snowboarding in my early 20s. I took a really, really hard fall, and it popped out of place. I immediately knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, and the person that I was snowboarding with was ahead of me and didn't see me fall. So now I feel overwhelmed. I'm in pain alone, kind of helpless. I don't feel like I can really move. I barely got myself into a seated position. And luckily, that sense of alone and helplessness didn't last too long, because while my friend was gone, there was a stranger who was ahead of me, saw my fall, saw that I didn't get up, came over, yelled to someone on the ski lift. They sent down a first aid snowmobile, and I rode down to the first aid kit in a sled behind a snowmobile, awful painful. Don't ever want to do it again. And they said, what you've done is you've dislocated your shoulder. You need to go to the hospital to have it reset. At the hospital, they put me to sleep, which I now know is weird to do for a dislocated shoulder, but they fixed it. They put my shoulder back into place, gave me some pain meds, and sent me on my merry way. Now, in this first experience, somebody told me what was happening and they fixed it for me. This was a very supported experience. I didn't know what was happening without help. I didn't know how to fix it without help.

Now, the second dislocation story happened in my university weight room. So I was on my college track team, and a couple times a week after practice, we would go and lift weights. I don't have a clue. I don't remember what particular exercise I was doing, I just looked at my teammate and eyes wide. I just dislocated my shoulder. You need to go get the athletic trainer. So they came up, they reset it right there on the spot. Like I said, you don't need to usually be put to sleep first dislocated shoulder to get fixed in this experience, I knew what was happening, but I still needed a professional there to fix it for me. 

Dislocation story number three, that happened soon after this was in the middle of nowhere in college. I had some friends with these awesome like, built out jeeps, and we would go four wheeling in the mountains, and I think I was like getting out of the Jeep and I jumped down. Ooh, okay. Shoulders dislocated again this time. I have the context to know what's just happened. I also have a concept of how to reset it on my own, because I was conscious and present when the athletic trainers did it. I also now No, this is super, super painful. The resetting is super super painful, but there's immediate relief once it's reset. But I can't I can't do it alone. So I looked at my friend and said, I don't want to stay in pain. I can talk you through what you need to do. Can you help me? I remembered how the athletic trainer had positioned my arm over the weightlifting bench, and I did a similar thing just over the Jeep tire. I actually think there's a picture of it, and I talked him through. I think it took like two tries, but we did it, we got it back into a place, and again, I experienced that immediate relief. So in this third example, I knew what was happening, and I knew enough about what needed to happen to reset my shoulder to guide my friend through it. 

And the last one I will share happened as I was going down a water slide of sorts in Costa Rica, I hit the water, and I immediately knew this time, I just slung my arm over the edge of something, and I managed to get it back into place myself. This time, I knew what had happened. I knew how to reset it myself. It was still uncomfortable, it was still painful, it still sucked, but I had the context to know this is what you need to do, to help yourself, to support yourself and to move to the other side of this pain. And there are so many parallels I can make with the story and our healing journey, one being that these different resources and regulatory tools are not to scapegoat or get out of the discomfort of feeling activated, shut down different emotions. It's to give us the tools to feel more confident in navigating ourself to that reset, to returning to a place of regulation. 

And the other parallel I want to expand on, specifically today is that hopefully this illustrated a path to how resetting your nervous system can look over time. At first it's going to feel disorienting. You're not going to know what's happening, and when you do finally become more aware of the activation or shutdown going on in your body, you might need somebody there to support you to tell you what's happening, and this happens in our coaching sessions when we help our clients map out their nervous systems, their unique experiences in the different states, to give them context for those experiences in the future. Early on in your healing, you might need a trained professional to support you in that resetting to not only go into hard things in session, but to help you come out and down from and reset from those challenging experiences. And we do this in session by guiding our clients through different practices, somatic experiences, to help them regulate they gain experience in session in a supported way, and through that more context and a sense of choice, so that the next time they experience activation or shut down on their own, they're not helpless and alone, but they go, oh yeah. I remember when I experienced this in session. This was a tool or practice that I turned to that felt supportive. Do I want to use that now and then over time, with enough exposure or practice with holding space for and resetting your nervous system, you gain capacity and ability to do it on your own, to understand the cause of your pain, the purpose for potentially opting into more of it or Just being with it, knowing that the reset comes afterwards. 

And we've talked about what that looks like with my shoulder. But what does this look like with anxiety or high activation like this person shared in their message, if this hasn't happened to you before, it makes sense to be confused. It makes sense to not know if this is a step forward or a step backward. For you to wonder, like, what is happening? How do I fix it? Many of our clients start there, but where they eventually get to is a place that sounds a little bit more like, Oh, I'm feeling a lot of activation right now. Maybe it's because of drop off. Maybe there's something deeper going on here. I can look at that later, but right now, I am really activated, and want to support my body in processing and resetting from this. So it's okay. I'm gonna cry. It's okay if my body is shaking, it's okay if there's some some moaning or some releasing. This is what happens when that pressure valve releases. And I'm going to make space for it. I have the context for it's okay, all right. I feel like my body is ready to settle. Now I've let some of that go. Some of the pressure has been released. I am going to walk a little bit. I'm going to deepen my breath, I'm going to use any other regulatory tools that I know are supportive for me. Oh, okay, yeah, I I feel better now. I'm still feeling tender, so I'm going to keep supporting myself for the next couple hours, maybe the rest of the day, in little ways, is needed. Who? Okay? And just like, even after resetting my shoulder, there was still tenderness, there was still soreness. Still typically use it pretty gingerly, maybe ice throughout the day. 

After these big releases, we need to set our expectations not to be that. Like, okay, we're reset perfectly on the other side, there may still be some residual tenderness, some care that you need to give your mind and your body throughout the day. And I want, I want to be clear, it is unlikely that you are going to have this like calm narration during high anxiety, because our nervous system speaks and understands an experiential language. This is why we have to have so many experiences of practicing regulation, either on our own or with the support of a trauma informed practitioner. This is what we do in session, titrating into activation, resourcing yourself down, titrating into shutdown, resourcing yourself back up over time. And with this experience, your nervous system learns, and it builds the capacity to have that narration on a body based level as you support yourself through it. 

So coming back to this message just one more time. Amanda, I usually can bounce back from dropping him off, but this morning, I spiraled into a panic attack. What was this?

Now, some questions I might ask if we were going to explore this personally for you was, What do you mean by bounce back? Let's explore that a little more. Is it that you truly reset, or is it that you disconnect or distract from the discomfort that you feel around an activating drop off on a regular basis with your son. Now no answer to these questions is right or wrong. They all simply provide more information. I might ask, do you think that the panic happened specifically related to this event or simply because of other overwhelming life experiences, tell me more about that. How did you feel after this high activation and crying and releasing? Does the information that you've heard in this podcast give you new context for your experience? Does that feel helpful or supportive in what ways, yes and what ways, no? All of this provides more helpful information to what might uniquely be going on for this person. 

Questions that you might be able to filter some of these experiences through on your own to determine whether they might be setbacks or steps forward. They shine light on certain ways of coping that might have worked for you in the past but aren't serving you in the present. What do you want to do about it? They might point towards support that you need in the present, or deeper healing work that you want to step into. 

And what I hope you take away from today's exploration is primarily this that when we begin healing work, what feels like chaos is often your system finally trusting enough to release what it's been holding. Just like resetting a dislocated joint, it might feel more uncomfortable before that relief comes. I reiterated here the importance of context, choice and connection in navigating these experiences. And at first, you might need somebody else to guide you through them, but it is with practice and support that you can build the capacity to handle more of these moments on your own context. Helps you to understand what's happening. Choice empowers you to move through your healing and these experiences in your own way and at your own pace and connection, whether it is with a professional, a friend, or your own internal wisdom, this provides the safety that we need for healing and an invitation for those of you who are listening as you navigate tough moments in your life, this week, this month, maybe ask yourself, Am I truly resetting or am I simply disconnecting and moving forward? And neither answer is right or wrong, but understanding your patterns can offer really powerful insight into your journey healing. It's not about perfection. It's about learning how your mind body system works and how to work with it, how to support yourself through the messy moments, and to create enough safety for your nervous system to release what is no longer needed. 

Like I mentioned at the beginning, next week, we are going to explore the parent child dynamic, those challenging thoughts of maybe not being good enough, how your anxiety or your healing journey is impacting your kids with that second part of what this same person wrote in. But for now, I want you just to remember that your healing journey isn't about being perfect. It is about building capacity, little by little, to hold space for all parts of your experience, and sometimes what feels like falling apart is actually you falling together in a new way.

Now today's three takeaways are that, number one, what feels like a setback might actually be progress when you begin regulation work intense emotional releases might mean that your system is finally feeling safe enough to process this stored survival energy. 

Number two is that healing doesn't have to feel so overwhelming, and it's often not when you have context, choice and connection, when you first build a foundation of resources and anchors before jumping into the deep end.

And number three is that regulation and resourcing is a skill that gets easier over Time, just like learning to reset my dislocated shoulder became easier with experience, navigating emotional releases becomes more manageable as you practice supporting yourself and you build your capacity for regulation.

All right, until next time I'm sending so much hope and healing your way. Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support and applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside rise my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space, or apply for our one on one anxiety and depression coaching program, restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the show notes, again, thanks so much for being here, and I'll see you next time you

Transcribed by https://otter.ai