Finding Safety in Unsafe Places: Supporting Nervous System Regulation

In this episode, we tackle the challenging but vital question: How can we support nervous system regulation when someone isn't in a safe environment? Drawing from Deb Dana's Polyvagal Theory expertise and current research, we explore practical strategies for both practitioners and individuals navigating unsafe circumstances.

In this episode you'll learn:

• How to identify small touch points that can activate brief ventral vagal states
• Specific techniques practitioners & individuals can use to support clients/themselves in unsafe environments
• Micro-practices for self-regulation during ongoing stress or threat

Three Takeaways:

1. Even in unsafe environments, small "safety or regulating anchors" (objects, memories, connections) can provide crucial moments of regulation. The goal isn't permanent regulation in unsafe circumstances, but creating brief reminders that another state exists.
2. Oftentimes the first step in healing is acknowledging the reality of one's situation, not minimizing or denying it. Whether you’re a practitioner or the individual going through it, remember that your struggle makes sense, your survival responses make sense.
3. Recognizing and savoring these micro-moments of "safe enough" builds neural pathways that support resilience over time.

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Resources/Citations:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• "Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection" by Deb Dana
• "Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory" by Deb Dana
• Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
• Kearney, D. J., McDermott, K., Malte, C., Martinez, M., & Simpson, T. L. (2012). Association of participation in a mindfulness program with measures of PTSD, depression and quality of life in a veteran sample. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 68(1), 101-116.
• Price, M., Spinazzola, J., Musicaro, R., Turner, J., Suvak, M., Emerson, D., & van der Kolk, B. (2017). Effectiveness of an 8-week yoga program for women with chronic PTSD. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 30(2), 173-180.
• West, J., Liang, B., & Spinazzola, J. (2017). Trauma sensitive yoga as a complementary treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder: A qualitative descriptive analysis. International Journal of Stress Management, 24(2), 173–195.
• Brom, D., Stokar, Y., Lawi, C., Nuriel-Porat, V., Ziv, Y., Lerner, K., & Ross, G. (2017). Somatic Experiencing for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Randomized Controlled Outcome Study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 30(3), 304-312.
• Fredrickson, B. L. (2001). The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions. American Psychologist, 56(3), 218–226.

Website: https://www.riseaswe.com/podcast

Email: amanda@riseaswe.com

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Transcript

Amanda Armstrong  0:00  
Amanda, welcome to regulate and rewire an anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong, and I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now, let's dive in. 

Amanda Armstrong  0:28  
Hey friend, welcome back today. We're diving into a tricky, but in my opinion, profoundly important, conversation about how to find safety in unsafe spaces. Some version of this is something that I have received a lot of questions about lately from listeners here, clients inside my practice, as well as from other therapists or practitioners who oftentimes support people who find themselves currently in really difficult situations. So the question I'm going to do my best to answer today is, "how do we support nervous system regulation when someone isn't in a safe environment?" 

Amanda Armstrong  1:06  
This could be someone living with an abusive partner, working in a toxic workplace, experiencing housing insecurity, living in a conflict zone, any number of genuinely unsafe circumstances, but this could also be somebody who isn't physically unsafe. So this could be somebody who is physically safe, but whose nervous system is constantly signaling danger due to past trauma or overwhelming life experiences. I also recently attended a live discussion with Deb Danna, who's one of the foremost experts on the polyvagal theory and nervous system work. And this is a question that came up again in that live Q and A with her, and her response was both compassionate and practical, and I will be sharing some of that with you today, as well as my own thoughts, because here's the reality, while we often talk about how creating safety is the foundational piece for nervous system healing, there are many people, maybe even some of you listening, that simply do not have that luxury within their current situation, their current reality right now, and yet, you or they deserve and need access to regulation tools as much, if not more so than anyone else. 

Amanda Armstrong  2:23  
And so today, we're going to explore how to find moments of quote, safe enough within unsafe environments or within unsafe relationships. This is a concept of creating something that Deb Danner refers to as ventral anchors or ventral touchstones. And for those of you who might not be as familiar with polyvagal theory, the term ventral vagal, or your ventral state, is just another word for being in that regulated green zone that we talk about here on the podcast. So to keep language as accessible as possible, what Deb refers to as ventral anchors or ventral touchstones. I am going to refer to as regulating or safety anchors or touchstones, things that we can return to when the world doesn't feel safe, but we might still need a flicker of regulation or groundedness or safety inside, and I am going to discuss specific strategies for both therapists who support clients as well as individuals who support themselves throughout challenging and potentially unsafe circumstances. 

Amanda Armstrong  3:35  
And before we dive into strategies, let's take a few minutes and acknowledge why this is so challenging from a nervous system perspective. Our nervous system's priority job is to detect safety and danger in our environments that could be internally, externally, relationally. And so when there are genuine threats present, our system naturally shifts into protective states, either a sympathetic activated state that fight or flight response, or a dorsal shutdown response that red zone, these states are appropriate and adaptive responses to danger. This is something I cannot make clear enough. I think a lot of times we assume or we label being in that yellow or red zone as being dysregulated and that being in that state somehow something has gone wrong or it's dysfunctional. But these states are often appropriate and adaptive responses to our current circumstances and in genuinely unsafe environments. These protective states serve a very real purpose. They are keeping us vigilant, alert to threats, and in some cases, even in that shutdown state, helping us to conserve energy when fighting or fleeing isn't possible or they provide for us some disconnection, mentally or emotionally even physically, to prevent further. Pain from being experienced, and the problem arises when we are chronically stuck in these states with no relief, with no moments of regulation, no opportunities for our system to reset and restore. And this type of chronic dysregulation takes a very real and tremendous toll on both physical and mental health over time. 

Amanda Armstrong  5:25  
Now, a part of the polyvagal theory that's worth mentioning here explains that our nervous systems need something called neuroception of safety. So neuroception is something that our nervous system is doing behind the scenes with our unconscious awareness. 24/7, neuroception is this unconscious detection of safety or danger cues what we need to access a state of regulation, what we need to access that green zone is neuroception of safety, this unconscious detection of safety signals, and obviously signals of safety are often lacking in unsafe environments or circumstances. So here's the key insight that I want to make here, we do not need permanent, complete safety to benefit from brief moments of regulation, brief moments of a felt sense of safety, even small, temporary experiences of safe enough, can be a critical resource to a really taxed nervous system.

Amanda Armstrong  6:38  
And it's not about staying regulated all the time. It's not about trying to get to a place where you feel great in a really crappy situation. It is about being able to access regulation or felt safety, even briefly, and to be able to return to it after periods of activation or shutdown are necessary, and this is again, especially crucial when someone's environment contains ongoing threats or stressors. 

Amanda Armstrong  7:06  
Now, like I mentioned, one of the most powerful concepts that Deb Danna shared in this recent discussion that I attended was this idea of regulating anchors or touchstones, and these are predictable elements that can bring you a sense of ventral vagal or regulated energy. These are predictable elements that can help you source for a momentary felt sense of safety, even in unsafe environments. So these anchors or touchstones serve as brief reminders to our nervous system that regulation is possible, that even amidst chaos or stress or threat, that safety, even a little bit, still exists, and that you can access it again, even if just for a moment, and because, if you've been around for even an episode or two, you know that I love to teach in analogies. 

Amanda Armstrong  8:05  
Think about these regulating anchors as a life raft in a turbulent sea. This life raft does not calm the ocean, honestly, not even a little bit. It doesn't impact the ocean whatsoever, but it gives you something to hold on to. It can give you a moment of respite, a chance to catch your breath before continuing to navigate really choppy, dark waters. The key is that these anchors need to be within reach in the moment, accessible even during stress. Again, think about a life raft. It's not helpful if it's not within reach. It's not helpful if it's not accessible. In the storm, these anchors need to be small enough to be manageable, something that doesn't require very complex action. They need to be reliable, something that is consistently able to offer you a sense of safety, and that means that they also need to be personally meaningful. So what works as an anchor is going to vary greatly from person to person. 

Amanda Armstrong  9:10  
So some examples of these regulating anchors, safety anchors might include a physical object that holds special meaning. And I want to actually offer, as I go through, I'm going to list out, I think, eight ish, different categories of what these regulating anchors might look like. And as I do, I want to invite you to reflect on if there's any thing that comes to mind as I share these categorical examples that could be identified as one of your regulating or safety anchors or touchstones. And maybe you want to pull out the Notes app on your phone and write them down and kind of create a toolbox, if you will, of your anchors. 

Amanda Armstrong  9:56  
So these might be physical objects that hold special. Meaning it could be a smooth stone from a beach where you once felt safe, a small photo, a particular piece of jewelry that connects you to a positive memory or relationship, really anything. Think physical object. 

Amanda Armstrong  10:14  
This could also be connections to supportive people, whether these are individuals who are physically present for you. It could also be just people who are available to you through memory. So is there anybody who feels supportive when you're with them, when you think about them? 

Amanda Armstrong  10:31  
It could be a brief practice, a particular vagal toning, breathing pattern, hand position, any kind of specific tool or practice that helps you to feel more calm or regulated grounded here.

Amanda Armstrong  10:47  
These anchors could be places in your environment where you might even just feel slightly safer, a specific chair, a corner of a room, a bathroom where you can have a moment of privacy. 

Amanda Armstrong  10:58  
This could also be, maybe not an actual place for you, but even just a memory of a place. So what places could provide us safety or regulating angers for you? 

Amanda Armstrong  11:08  
It could be a memory of a time when you did feel safe and regulated.

Amanda Armstrong  11:13  
It could be a connection to your ancestors, to spiritual guides, to God, to some belief system. 

Amanda Armstrong  11:21  
It could be a relationship with a pet or animals. 

Amanda Armstrong  11:26  
For many of our clients, it is often found in natural elements, things like plants or sunlight or the sight of the sky or the feeling of the wind on their skin, reminding you that these can be really simple, really small, but personally meaningful anchors to safety or regulation, and the research really supports this approach. 

Amanda Armstrong  11:49  
Studies have found that trauma survivors who could identify and access even brief moments of felt safety or things that help them to feel more safe or supported, showed greater resilience and recovery outcomes than those who couldn't identify any safe moments or objects or resources in their life. And similarly, research done by Dr Bessel van der Kolk emphasizes the importance of something called islands of safety. So again, this is just another approach to ventral anchors, safety anchors. He defines these islands of safety as specific resources, internal or external, that individuals can utilize to regulate their nervous systems to restore a sense of security when they feel overwhelmed or triggered by experiences or traumatic memories. So these are physical, emotional or relational experiences that offer momentary regulation, especially when working with or treating complex trauma. And this is something that I actually will expand on a little bit more next week when we talk about why it can feel so uncomfortable to feel regulated, especially if you've experienced trauma, and we'll also talk about something called the safety danger equation, all about reorienting to safety and regulation after trauma. 

Amanda Armstrong  13:17  
But for this week, we're not talking about people who are on the other side of their unsafe but who are still finding themselves in it. And when working with these individuals in actively unsafe environments, one of the most crucial therapeutic interventions that we can provide is helping them to identify and strengthen these regulating anchors. So for the next few minutes, I am going to speak specifically to practitioners, and then I'm going to shift gears and talk specifically to individuals who are in these situations. 

Amanda Armstrong  13:52  
So if you are a therapist, a coach, a healthcare provider, I even know many folks in the nonprofit world right now who are regularly working with, engaging with in relationship with individuals in actively unsafe situations. So here are six specific approaches or things to consider when working with or interacting with these folks, and the first is to acknowledge the reality of their situation. One thing I see or hear about happening, in my opinion, far too often, is well meaning practitioners or individuals jumping straight into the well, how can we get you out of there? How can we get you out and away from this situation without recognizing that sometimes immediate escape is impossible, or that in doing so, it can create different threats, dangers or stressors. One of the things that can be really helpful is to start by validating that their nervous system response makes complete sense given their circumstance. And oftentimes, the first step in healing is acknowledging the reality. Of one situation, and not by minimizing or denying it, or trying to immediately look for the escape route or the escape path, but by saying this is hard, this is real, this is heavy, this is dark, and this validation also helps to reduce the additional burden of shame that can come when someone feels like they shouldn't be struggling, or that they should just be able to get over it, or it should be fine, when we can reiterate, Hey, your nervous system is responding exactly as it should. This makes sense given the circumstance. 

Amanda Armstrong  15:39  
The second thing is to recognize and name the protective function of their current state. So if they are hyper vigilant, acknowledge how that vigilance is trying to keep them safe. If they are shut down or numb, recognize and maybe help them recognize how that withdrawal is protecting them from overwhelming pain or danger, and this can help the individual shift from pathologizing their response to honoring its protective intent again, pulling back the unnecessary burden of shame or judgment that often comes from how We show up in unsafe or overwhelming circumstances. 

Amanda Armstrong  16:22  
The third thing is to potentially collaborate to identify potential safety anchors or touchstones. And you can do this by asking questions like, hey, is there any person, place or moment in your day when you feel even slightly safer? What objects might you keep with you? Maybe a small object that you could keep with you that connects you to a sense of self or comfort. Are there any brief practices that have helped you feel more grounded in the past? When was the last time you felt even a moment of calm? What was present there, what gave you the ability to access that felt sense, remembering that these anchors are deeply, deeply personal. What works for one person might not work for another. The key is helping individuals find what resonates with their specific experience and nervous system. 

Amanda Armstrong  17:19  
A fourth thing to consider is helping them practice noticing and savoring the moments of safe enough or even the moments of neutral. Research in neuroscience shows that intentionally focusing on positive or and positive is a spectrum, right? It could simply be just more positive or less negative experiences for them, even brief ones, helps to strengthen their impact on our neural pathways. This is something that neuropsychologist and author of the book hard wiring happiness, Dr Rick Hanson calls taking in the good. So as a practitioner, you might guide them through exercises like noticing where in their body they feel a slight sense of ease when connecting to their anchor, describing the sensation associated with momentary regulation, extending these moments by just a few breaths when possible, maybe inviting them to mentally return to these anchors during a session when they feel dysregulated. 

Amanda Armstrong  18:24  
And the fifth thing I want to mention is to help them develop what I sometimes call their nervous system emergency kit. And what I love so much about this is that it can feel really tangible. It can feel like something they have even a tiny bit of control over when the reality is when we find ourselves in unsafe, unpredictable circumstances, so much feels out of our control, and so a nervous system emergency kit is a collection of portable anchors or practices that they can access during particularly difficult moments. So this could be phone numbers of safe people that they can contact a small object in their pocket. They can touch a phrase or a mantra they can repeat silently. Maybe it's a specific somatic tool, breathing practice or body movement, a sensory tool, like a strong mint in their purse or a scented oil. What are the things that you can help them put pen to paper and create a nervous system emergency kit, something that makes them feel like in the moments of turmoil, chaos out of control. There is something that they can turn to, to ground, to anchor, to touch into, for even just the element of control in that moment. 

Amanda Armstrong  19:39  
And finally, the sixth thing I want to notice is to be realistic. Be realistic about expectations. The goal with this work and supporting clients in these really tricky situations is not to achieve sustained regulation in an unsafe environment that is simply not physiologically possible in. Instead, what we are aiming for are brief moments of resource, brief moments of relief, and then gradually building their capacity to access regulation more frequently and return to it more quickly after moments of activation or shutdown, you are looking to help them create small and simple touchstones to safety that are within reach in the moments that they need it most, because even micro moments of regulation can help to interrupt traumatic activation patterns and can create a foundation for increased resilience over Time over time, over time, over time. 

Amanda Armstrong  20:42  
Now I want to shift more to talking specifically to individuals. If you are listening to this and you are currently in an unsafe or threatening environment, I want to start by first acknowledging your reality this could be a mentally, physically, relationally, there's no rules. If it feels unsafe or threatening for you, could be home, could be work, could even be the internal replay of past traumatic experiences. I want to reiterate to you that your nervous system responses, whether it's anxiety, hyper vigilance, numbness, exhaustion, rapid mood, swifts. It all makes complete sense. This is not a sign of weakness. It's not a sign of failure. It is actually your body's attempt to protect you in these challenging circumstances. And I now want to offer you six approaches that might help you find small moments of regulation. 

Amanda Armstrong  21:46  
First is to try to identify your personal safety anchors. If you have access to a trauma informed therapist or coach, this could be an amazing thing to bring into session, but some of you don't have access to any of that. For some of you, this podcast is the thing that you have access to. And so even on your own, can you reflect? Can you spend a moment? What are the small touch points that bring you even a momentary sense of safer or a little more? Okay? Again, some other examples. It could be a photo of someone you love or loved, a meaningful quote or text, a specific memory you can return to, a comfy sensory experience. It could be a smell or a texture. There might be a specific spot in your home or workplace, the feeling of your feet on the ground or breath in your body, a connection to something larger than you that could be nature, God, spirituality, community, remembering that we don't want these anchors to be anything big or dramatic. Sometimes the most effective anchors the smallest things, the warmth of sunlight through a window, the texture of a sweater, the sound of your favorite song, can activate regulating energy, even briefly. 

Amanda Armstrong  23:11  
The second thing I want to share with you is when you notice one of these anchors, can you slow down and really take it in. This is the practice of something called Conscious embodiment, of noticing how safety feels in your body, and this helps strengthen the neural pathways, those pathways in your brain that support regulation. So you might try to take three deep breaths while focusing on your safety or regulating anchor, you might try to notice where in your body you feel a slight ease of relief. So how do you actually even know that this is a regulating anchor for you? What shifts? Where does it shift? How does it shift? You might try silently naming what you're experiencing. Could be something as simple as quote, this is a moment of safety. This is a regulating anger. You could try placing a hand on your heart or in another soothing touch point on your body. The goal is, can we take that small anger, that moment of noticing, and can we stretch it to be two moments or three moments? Can we take that inch of safety we got and deepen it to maybe two or three inches, just just slightly? 

Amanda Armstrong  24:30  
The third thing is to recognize that in unsafe environments, your protective responses are appropriate. So this comes back to validating. While a practitioner can offer validation. We can also self validate. So instead of fighting against the anxiety or shutdown, can you acknowledge or even thank these states for trying to keep you safe? And this subtle shift from resistance to acknowledgement to some validation can oftentimes create a little bit more. More internal space. 

Amanda Armstrong  25:02  
The fourth thing is creating micro practices that you can use throughout your day. So when we are in unsafe, unpredictable circumstances, a lot of things can feel out of our control. Oftentimes there's not any semblance of routine or predictability. These micro practices can provide some of that structure. So these could include a 32nd focus on your breathing when you go to the bathroom, feeling your feet on the ground while you wait in line, a brief moment of connection with a pet, touching an object in your pocket that feels anchoring mentally, stepping into a memory of safety after a difficult conversation. 

Amanda Armstrong  25:40  
This leads to the fifth thing, which is to take some of these things and try to create small rituals that signal to your nervous system when you are entering a slightly safer space or time. So this could be a specific way that you close the door to your room that basically says I'm moving from an unsafe or less safe place, into my more safe place. This could be a ritual on how you arrange objects on your desk or your bedside table, a brief practice when you first wake up in the morning, or something that you do to close out the day before you go to sleep, how you prepare your morning cup of coffee or tea a specific way that you put on or remove certain pieces of clothing, research has shown us that predictable, rhythmic activities can help to regulate the nervous system, even in and maybe even especially in highly traumatic or stressful circumstances. So these things do not need to be elaborate, even the rhythm of your own breathing or tapping in a specific pattern with your fingers can activate some of the regulatory pathways in your brain. So what are the micro practices? What are the tiny rituals that you might be able to build into your daily life to just touch into an anchor of safety. And finally, I want to remind you to remember that you do not need to achieve perfect regulation or complete safety. You should not expect yourself to be good in not good circumstances. Each of these small moments of a little safer or a little more regulated is so valuable and contributes to your overall nervous system's resilience. 

Amanda Armstrong  27:32  
Over time, our nervous system learns best through repeated small experiences of safety and regulation, not through grand gestures or permanent solutions or big shifts and changes. In fact, sometimes the big shift in change that gets you out of an unsafe circumstance or situation can feel even more disorienting and dysregulating than being in the predictable, unsafe or stressful situation. And so wherever you find yourself, remember small, simple things repeated over time. These small experiences of safety and regulation lead to more long term nervous system resilience. 

Amanda Armstrong  28:18  
So now I am shifting to talking to anyone, any of you who are still here listening, whether you are supporting somebody else or navigating unsafe circumstances yourself. The key insight, the key takeaway I want you to have is that ventral vagal energy, the state of regulation, connection and safety, does not require perfect external circumstances to be accessed. And by identifying and strengthening your unique safety anchors, you can create the possibility of brief, small, but really crucial moments of regulation, even in challenging environments. And these moments, these micro moments, matter profoundly in the moment, and as they layer and build into your experience over time, they remind our nervous systems that another state exists. They provide essential physiological rest and restoration. They strengthen our capacity to return to regulation when more safety becomes available. They optimize the neural pathways of safety in our brain, and they help us to maintain connection to ourselves and others during adversity, during really, really hard times and sometimes even harmful situations. So if you are a practitioner, remember that helping clients find these anchors might be the most important work you can do when external safety is not immediately possible for them, and if you are navigating unsafe circumstances yourself, remember that your nervous system is doing exactly what it's evolved to do. It's protecting you in the best way. It's learned how and in ways that it's hardwired to do these moments. 

Amanda Armstrong  30:00  
Reasons when you can touch into even brief regulation, are precious resources that are worth noticing and nurturing to the best of your ability right now. And if you know someone in an unsafe situation, one of the most powerful gifts that you can offer them is you yourself being a consistent regulating anchor in their life, being a predictable source of safety, connection and CO regulation when they interact with you. I have been in situations where I have watched people that I love deeply be in unsafe and harmful situations, and as much as I wanted to step in and remove and fix, that's not always something that we can do. And so the thing that we can do is to work on our own regulation and to present ourselves as a safe place for validation, for connection, and that might be the desperate lifeline that eventually gives them the capacity to shift or change what they need to in their life. 

Amanda Armstrong  31:08  
One of the things that debdana said in that discussion that I attended recently, that I thought was so beautifully put, was quote, When ventral vagal energy is alive, we have access to all of the things that come along with it, things like safety, connection, possibility, even if just for a moment. And I can't think of anything that an individual needs more in stressful or harmful circumstances than to find the respite of a moment of safety, a moment of felt connection, a moment of possibility, and these moments matter more than we can possibly measure 

Amanda Armstrong  31:50  
now, bringing it all together, the three takeaways from today's conversation is number 

Amanda Armstrong  31:55  
one, in unsafe environments, small safety or regulating anchors, these could be objects, memories or connections, can provide crucial moments of regulation. The goal is not permanent regulation in unsafe circumstances, but instead to create these brief reminders that another state exists. 

Amanda Armstrong  32:15  
Number two, oftentimes, the first step in healing is acknowledging the reality of one situation. Quit minimizing, quit denying. So whether you're a practitioner or the individual going through it, remember your struggle makes sense. Your survival responses make sense. 

Amanda Armstrong  32:35  
And number three, recognizing and savoring these micro moments of safe enough of neutral even build neural pathways that support resilience over time. 

Amanda Armstrong  32:48  
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. If you found this helpful, consider sharing it with somebody who might also benefit. And until next time I am sending so much gentle hope and healing your way. 

Amanda Armstrong  33:03  
Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support and applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside rise my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space, or apply for our one on one anxiety and depression coaching program, restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the show notes. Again, thanks so much for being here, and I'll see you next time you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai