Regulate & Rewire: An Anxiety & Depression Podcast

Regulation or Avoidance? How to Tell the Difference

• Amanda Armstrong • Season 1 • Episode 138

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We all bump into the blurry line between regulating and avoiding. In this episode, Amanda unpacks the difference between soothing your nervous system and emotionally bypassing—using a real client story to show how even “healthy” tools can become numbing when the intention and impact are off. Learn how to choose between regulation and resourcing, and try a simple check-in to turn coping back into connection.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The clear definitions of regulation (state-shifting) vs avoidance/numbing (state-escaping)
  • Why the same behavior (TV, scrolling, exercise, breathwork) can heal or hide depending on intention & impact
  • The difference between regulating and resourcing—and when each is appropriate
  • How “pop healing” can unintentionally promote bypassing (and what to do instead)
  • A quick two-question experiment to notice whether you’re shifting away from or expanding capacity for what you feel

3 Takeaways:

  1. The same behavior can heal or hide, intention & impact are the tells.
    Regulation restores presence and energy; avoidance suppresses and disconnects. Ask: Does this make me more present or less present?
  2. We need both regulating and resourcing tools. Use regulation when a state feels too big or inaccurate to the moment; use resourcing to expand your ability to be with what’s here safely.
  3. Awareness is the work. Before you reach for a tool, pause: What am I feeling? What’s my intention? That tiny check-in turns numbing into nourishment and coping into true regulation.

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Website: https://www.regulatedliving.com/podcast

Email: amanda@regulatedliving.com

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Amanda Armstrong  0:00  
Amanda, welcome to regulate and rewire an anxiety and depression podcast where we discuss the things I wish someone would have taught me earlier in my healing journey. I'm your host, Amanda Armstrong, and I'll be sharing my steps, my missteps, client experiences and tangible research based tools to help you regulate your nervous system, rewire your mind and reclaim your life. Thanks for being here. Now let's dive in. 

Amanda Armstrong  0:28  
Hello, hello. All right, today we are talking about another thing that I think we all bump up against in our healing journey, and it is that fine line between regulating and avoiding, between healing and hiding. How do you know when a regulation tool or practice or coping strategy is actually emotional bypassing or dissociation? So let's start first with some definitions. 

Amanda Armstrong  1:03  
So regulation is anything that helps your nervous system come back towards balance, towards safety, it restores energy connection or presence. 

Amanda Armstrong  1:13  
And then we have avoidance or numbing or emotional bypassing, and this is when we use behaviors to help us to not feel, to suppress or to escape emotions like anger or sadness or grief instead of addressing them. 

Amanda Armstrong  1:31  
And the tricky part is that they can look exactly the same from the outside. Scrolling on your phone could be a quick pause to down regulate, or an hour long escape from your emotions. Exercise can be an outlet for stress or a way to outrun what you don't want to feel. Even breath work can become a bypass if you are only using it to get calm instead of using it to create space to get curious. So the key difference is the intention and the impact. And I think a lot of the conversations around nervous system regulation, and here's this tool and vagal toning and yada yada yada yada yada, especially for like high achieving folk, is just giving us a new way to control and suppress our our emotions when really they need some spaciousness, some attention, some holding. 

Amanda Armstrong  2:24  
Now let me expand on this conversation by actually expanding on the sharing of a conversation that I recently had with one of our clients that I started to introduce to you last week. So refresher, this particular client shared that she has been using TV to numb out almost every single night, classic avoidance during what for her is a really brutal custody battle and a lot of other just it's a heavy season. It's a hard season for her right now, so she has started to do the work, and at first she replaced TV with breathwork, and we're talking like 30 to 90 minute intensive breathwork sessions. And she shared on a recent call the realization that she had simply moved from one vice to another, that instead of avoiding her feelings with TV, she she was now avoiding them with breath work, and that at the end of them, she actually didn't feel restored or rejuvenated. She felt just as kind of numbed out and depleted. So boom, she had replaced one numbing strategy with another. It just had better PR, right? When you tell somebody I watched hours of TV, they're like, Oh girl, are you okay? And then when they're like, Oh, I did a 90 minute breath work session last night, they're like, oh, girl, good for you. 

Amanda Armstrong  3:47  
For her, she realized that they were just different versions of the same thing, trying to avoid what she's experiencing right now. And that's one of the sneakiest things about avoidance. It often hides inside behaviors that look healthy on the surface, sometimes it definitely doesn't. Sometimes our behaviors that we use to avoid are not healthy looking at all, but sometimes they can be. I also want to add the caveat here that sometimes avoidance is absolutely appropriate. So ask yourself in any moment, like, what is my actual capacity right now, if your life is on fire, maybe you need the Netflix. Maybe regulation, even if it is avoiding, is the medicine for that moment. But we do not want to be chronically reaching for regulation that takes us out of our reality. Eventually we have to do the work to be with the stuff that sucks. I think I should print that on a t shirt. Like, eventually you've got to do the work to be with the stuff that sucks. You just do like, that's part of healing. 

Amanda Armstrong  4:52  
Now I want to again reiterate the distinction between two terms that I frequently use, the term regulation. And the term resourcing. So regulation or reactive, regulation is about shifting, is about changing. Regulation says this emotion or sensation feels like too much. How can I shift it? How can I change it? I feel anxious. I'm going to do a breathing exercise to calm down. I feel overwhelmed. So I'm going to watch TV to zone out. And then we have resourcing. Resourcing says, Oh, this emotion is here. This sensation is here. How can I support myself in being with it? How can I expand my capacity to hold it again, again, again, again. 

Amanda Armstrong  5:35  
Reactive regulation is sometimes the exact right move, shifting your state, minimizing or stepping away from an emotion can make sense. If it is too big, you don't have the current capacity or tools to be with it, that can absolutely be the right move to try to shift or change or soften this state, if you are able to recognize that it is a inaccurate response to the current situation. 

Amanda Armstrong  5:58  
So for example, the other day, I was absolutely speed walking. You'll notice the theme I speed walk a lot when I am not actually late to things. I was activated based on a past pattern, not my present day reality. I was not running late to get lunch with my friend, so I used a couple of down regulating tools to help my system change, regulate, shift out of so much regulation and rush. I was like, okay, my current state inappropriate for my current reality. Let's do something to change that very, very appropriate time to move towards trying to change in regulation. And also, I know, hey, this is a deeper pattern that's gonna take some additional holding and work and practice so that it's not always my default pattern to be in a rush places I don't need to be in a rush to again. 

Amanda Armstrong  6:49  
I could give you 100 of examples around when doing some reactive regulation might absolutely be the right move. But also, I think much of again, pop healing culture talk about regulating tools actually just gives you another avenue to bypass actually being with or getting curious about your experience. 

Amanda Armstrong  7:11  
So that's where I use the other term, the term resourcing. This is about expanding your capacity to be with your state. It sounds like I'm feeling anxious. Let me breathe deeply so that I can hold this feeling more spaciously. Or I'm feeling overwhelmed. Let me create some internal stability so that I can be present and curious about this overwhelm. Resourcing says this feeling is here. How do I increase my ability to be with it again? Oftentimes same tools, totally different purpose. One shifts you out and the other grows your capacity to stay in. 

Amanda Armstrong  7:49  
And I want to acknowledge that I understand today's conversation is quite redundant. It's quite redundant because what I just want to give you is a paradigm shift. Is a moment to pause and look at the way that you have been using your regulation tools, maybe the ones that you've even learned here on this podcast, are you using breathwork, vision therapy, any of the tools that you've learned as a way to increase your capacity, as a way to rewire and re pattern nervous system, or is it a way to turn off the anxiety? Because I can't feel the anxiety and I'm anxious about my anxiety, so I need to stop feeling the anxiety and use this regulation tool right now so that I don't have to feel anxiety. And I know there are some of you who are like, Oh crap, she caught me. That is the filter that I am trying to provide for you here. 

Amanda Armstrong  8:39  
So I am going to reiterate, because there's again, we learn through repetition. So I'm reiterating for the umpteenth time, we need both. If you're having a panic attack, you do not need to sit with it. You need to do whatever you need to do to settle that panic attack, to create some sense of safety for yourself. But if every uncomfortable feeling triggers for you this, I gotta fix it. I gotta fix it with a regulation tool. If you are constantly trying to shift out of your experience instead of expanding your capacity to be in it, that's not healing. You're not getting more healed. You're getting better at avoiding you're getting better at bypassing and controlling and moving around uncomfortable experiences. So the tools are not the problem. The problem is when we use the tools to bypass the actual work of feeling our feelings and facing our reality. 

Amanda Armstrong  9:41  
So how do you know the difference? How do you know if you are regulating in a way that is supportive or avoidant? So some signs that you might be avoiding Are you always reach for the tool when uncomfortable feelings arise, or maybe you never actually feel your feelings. You just try to manage. Them again. Let me change it. Let me change it. Let me fix this. Let me stop this. Or if you've been using the same practice in the same situation for a really, really long time, or after you practice the same issues, just keep coming up, keep coming up, keep coming up. That's going to point you to I need a little bit more capacity. Or there's some deeper work, deeper patterns to look at here. Now, maybe a sign that you are resourcing or using regulation in a way that is moving you towards re patterning and healing is that you can name what you're feeling. You can name where you are on that nervous system ladder and be with it and not have this urgency to shift it. You're like, okay, yep, I'm here. I can name this before I respond. Do you sometimes use tools and do you sometimes sit with what's there? Okay, that's probably a fine balance. Are you again, sometimes gaining insight, what's this pattern? What triggers it? Where's it where is it coming from? Instead of just trying to escape it right away. So this has felt resonant to you in any way. 

Amanda Armstrong  11:07  
Here is your experiment. Here's an invitation. The next time you reach for your regulation tool, I want to invite you to pause and ask, What am I feeling right now, and what would happen if I sat with this for just two more minutes, and oftentimes the intensity settles itself when we make space for it. But if it hasn't in those two minutes, use your regulation tool. But can you sometime this week when you want to breathe or shake or whatever your go to is, what am I feeling right now? And what would happen if I just sat with this for two more minutes? And again, if sitting with it feels unbearable, you might genuinely need to distract yourself for a bit. Do that with compassion. But if you can sit with it and you just don't want to, that's some good information, and it may also be helpful to know maybe you're willing to be with it, but you just don't know how that is a skill and a capacity that can be taught and learned and built over time. Now, as we wrap up, I want to remind you that your healing journey, regulating your nervous system is not about perfect presence or never avoiding. It is about slowly expanding your window of tolerance for your own human experience, for your own reality, past lived experiences, current life circumstances. And so for the member that I mentioned, we found that middle path, instead of a 90 minute avoidance breathwork session or TV binge, can she take a five minute walk outside not to feel better, not to shift her state, but to be in gentle motion with whatever she's feeling. That is resourcing and regulating, that is expanding capacity, that is the slow, unsexy work of actually healing. And so the next time you're reaching for a coping tool, I invite you to just notice. Are you trying to shift away from something? Is there a way that you could potentially create space to just be with it for even a moment more? The next time you reach for a regulation tool, what is the intention and the impact of of that? Is it to simply turn something off, or to create a skill or capacity that's going to support you in the future, and that awareness alone is the beginning of change. The regulation we're looking for is about connection to your body, to your needs, to your life. All right, our three takeaways from today. Number one, it's not about the behavior itself. It is about the intention and the impact. The same behavior can be used to resource and regulate in a really helpful way. That same behavior can also be used to bypass, avoid, distract. Number two, we need both regulating and resourcing tools. We need regulation tools to help us shift our state when something is too big or unsafe. We also need to be practicing resourcing to expand our ability to be with our emotions, our experiences as they show up. And number three, really simple awareness is the first step in this work. Can you just start to pay attention to how and when and why you're reaching for regulation tools and what their impact is for your system? All right, as always, if you've got questions, you know where to find me. If you want to do this work in community, we've got the membership. And if this is work that you want to take a deeper, more personal dive into that is something that we help our clients do every single day inside our restore program. And for those of you listening, who I may never see in those spaces, you may never join the membership or reach out about restore, I want you to know how wholeheartedly grateful I am. That you're here, that you were tuning in week after week, that you were hitting play, that you are taking the things from this podcast that serve you, applying them to your healing. Let go of any of the things that don't, and if there is something that has been particularly resonant for you, or if this podcast has impacted your healing in any way, I would love to hear from you. Send me an email. Send me a DM that really helps me to connect what I am doing here oftentimes, which is staring into and talking into a microphone alone in my basement, to the impact that it's having for real humans in the real world. So I'd love to hear from any of you who are willing to just send me a little note. Who are you? Where are you? Where are you in the world? Why are you tuning in? How has it impacted you? And also in my show notes, every single week, I have a link if you have a particular question or something you'd like support on. Most of the time, it's something I'd like to do an episode on so I can create as much of a personal connection to all of you as possible. All right, thank you for being here, and I am sending so much hope and healing your way.

Amanda Armstrong  16:08  
Thanks for listening to another episode of The regulate and rewire podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please subscribe and leave a five star review to help us get these powerful tools out to even more people who need them. And if you yourself are looking for more personalized support in applying what you've learned today, consider joining me inside rise my monthly mental health membership and nervous system healing space, or apply for our one on one anxiety and depression coaching program, restore. I've shared a link for more information to both in the show notes, again, thanks so much for being here, and I'll see you next time you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai