33: Red Flags You Should Never Ignore - Part 1

Do you find yourself questioning the red flags in your dating life? Maybe you've experienced confusing behaviors and are looking for clarity. Dating is an exciting journey of getting to know someone and discovering if you're compatible for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. However, it's equally important to be vigilant about potential red flags that may hint at underlying issues. In this two-part series, we will explore various red flags in relationships, shedding light on crucial signs that can help you make informed decisions and protect your emotional well-being. If you're ready to gain insights into recognizing warning signs and protecting your heart in the dating world, this episode is for you.

In this episode, you will:

1. Discover key red flags to watch out for when dating, highlighting signs that something might not be quite right in a relationship.
2. Understand how a person's behavior towards boundaries, jealousy, isolation, and respect for time can be potential red flags in a relationship.
3. Learn the subtle but significant signs, including how a person treats wait staff and animals, that could indicate potential issues in a relationship.

Mentioned Resources

Ep 2: Build Your Village

Ep 6: Spring Cleaning - Toxic Relationships

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Transcript

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In today's episode, we're going to dive into key red flags you should watch out for when dating. You know, that dating is all about getting to know someone and seeing if you're interested in building a healthy, quality relationship with that person. So it's really crucial for us to be aware of any signs that something might not be quite right. So listen up, the heart you save may be your own. Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home, repeat just isn't working for you anymore, and you know there's gotta be more to life than this, then girl, you've come to the right place. I'm Kimberly Knight, and this is the Position Podcast. As a certified coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life, love, and business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation, coaching, and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Welcome to the Position Podcast. I am your host, Kimberly Knight, and today we are going to talk about red flags you should never ignore. Now, you know, when you're dating or you're in a relationship, it is all about seeing if you're interested in building an even deeper relationship, learning who they are, and whether or not they're compatible for who you are and where you're going in your life, right? So when you spot a red flag, I have always said this. And listen, anyone who has coached with me, anyone who has been in my position for love group, I always say, we don't wait until a flag is red to pay attention. When that flag goes to yellow, that's the time you better keep your eyes open and your ears attentive. So here's one of the things I want you to look out for. When a man doesn't respect your boundaries, he's actually saying he doesn't respect you. When someone pushes your boundaries in an unhealthy way, when they're pressuring you or trying to coerce you to do things you're not comfortable with, it is a red flag. And that doesn't just have to be sexual boundaries. It could be about asking too many personal questions or not respecting your time or proximity, right? So proximity is how close you stand to someone. So he may be wanting some public displays of affection that make you feel uncomfortable. So if you say, no, I'm not comfortable with that, and he continues to try to coerce you or pressure you, that's a no, that's a red flag. Let's look at another one. This is a biggie. He's jealous. Jealousy is a combination of anxiety, insecurity, fear, and anger, right? It's a big ball of toxic emotion and no good can come out of it. And usually people who are insecure. So you're dealing with a lot of toxic emotion here. And jealousy just leads down a road sometimes to violence and out-of-control emotions and behavior. You are no one's possession. So that whole jealousy thing is a no-go, definitely a red flag. Here's one trying to isolate you from your friends and family. Now, of course, when you're in a relationship, especially when it's new, you're going to spend more time with that person. You might curtail some other activities or change around some other activities. However, if they are consistently trying to distance you from your friends and family and they only want you to be with them, be very, very careful because isolation is one of those first signs of an abusive relationship. Because abuse is about control. It's about power and control. And to get control over you, I'm going to put on that nice mask that can hide a serious issue, right, with isolation and abuse, so that I can dominate you. And now anyone you would have reached out to for help is no longer in your life. So be very aware of that. Isolation is definitely a red flag. Here's one many people might not think is a red flag, but for me, the underlining, the underpinnings of it tell me that there's something going on here. And that is people who are consistently late. Now, being late for a date is rude to begin with, but I mean things happen, right? It could be traffic, there could be an accident or something, or you know, they just got behind in time. And I mean, that happens to everybody every once in a while. However, if they are consistently and constantly late, or if they make a joke about it, or their family is always making a joke about how late they're going to be. I remember one person who said they're going to be late for their own funeral. I also paid attention. I laughed, but I paid attention. I also remember attending a wedding where the couple told people that the wedding was actually going to start an hour earlier than their real wedding because they knew that their family was going to come late. So they told them it was an hour earlier than it actually was, so that they would be on time. This is a true story. Okay. So if someone is constantly late when they're coming to meet you, it's a red flag. It tells me that they don't respect you or your time. And they don't care as much about the relationship as you do because they made you wait. And I'm not talking about once in a while, girls, because it will happen. I am talking about this is their habit and their lifestyle. See, it may not be that big a deal when you're just meeting to go, you know, have coffee, but it's going to be a big deal later on if you, you know, take this to a more serious level and get married. And now you're missing out on opportunities as a family because this person has a problem with time. Okay, here's another red flag. They're involved in shady business. Now, when I say shady business, it includes, but it is not limited to criminal activity, fraud, having this get over spirit. I call it a get over spirit where they're always trying to find an angle, they're always looking for a loophole, they always want, you know, somebody to hook them up with something. They run from get rich quick scheme to the next one, right? It's always something with them. Listen, this could have some legal and some moral consequences and implications, and they might even drag you into it. And I heard a story about this young lady who was on a date, and she didn't realize that she had become part of a like a drug exchange until they were driving and uh he stopped and handed someone something out of the window and they handed him some money. Don't not stay away from shady business. You don't want to get caught up in that. And if that's their lifestyle and you see that, that's two red flags, honey. That's two red flags. Yeah. Get out. Quick, run, don't look back. Here's another red flag that you want to be aware of. And if you see it, you need to pay deep attention. They ask you for money. Now, if you're dating and this man asks you for money to pay his rent, to pay his bills, or to do something else, that's a no. No. If he cannot handle his own finances to the extent that he can take care of his own needs, he does not need to be in a relationship. He needs a second job. So if he is asking you for money, it is either that he is mismanaging his money or he's scamming you. Either way, you don't need this in your life. That's a red flag. Get out as soon as you can. Oh boy. Okay. I have so many of these. This just may take a second show because I have seen this happen so many times. And ladies, I need you to listen to me. A lot of times what's said in a joke is actually serious, and people are saying it in a joking way to get away with it. When people make fun of you, it is a red flag. If a man is making fun of you, even if he says he's joking, if he makes some kind of off-handed comment about you, whether it's about your choice in clothing, your choice in music, your career, where you live, your family, your friends, or whatever, he makes some kind of off-handed comment, even if it's said in a joke, it's a red flag. If he says something to hurt you, even if it's the smallest thing and you feel like you can't say to them that that hurt me, that's also a red flag. Because being in a healthy relationship means that, listen, we're human, we're going to hurt each other sooner or later, right? You're going to say something hurtful or you're not going to be as sensitive as you could have been to something that means something more significant to the other person. And then we apologize and we find out what was it that hurt you so that I don't do this again intentionally. I will be more aware to support you in that area rather than poking the bear, right? And if they can't do that, red flag. So here's the other thing, because I don't want us hypersensitive, right? So there's a difference between your opinion and an offensive comment. So it's okay for him to have a difference in opinion. He can give his opinion and it can be different from yours. But offensive comments means that I am uncaring about your feelings, I don't care about your beliefs, I don't just have a different opinion for you, but there's something attached to what I am saying that brings shame into the equation. That's a red flag. And again, ladies, if you encounter a man who makes fun of you or gives you these offhanded comments and you feel uncomfortable, it's a red flag. It is a red flag. All right, here's one that is a pet peeve for me. So I'm gonna try to keep it together while I share it. But lying on any level is a red flag. I mean, there's nothing worse than lying to me because how can you trust someone who doesn't tell you the truth? How can you build a relationship on lies? You can't, you can't trust anything about them, right? And I hate this that people say, oh, it's just a little white lie. There's no such thing. A lie is a lie, is a lie, is a lie. So you pay close attention because here's the other piece to this, right? So it's a red flag, we've settled that. But I want you to pay close attention because if they're lying about small things, they're going to lie about the big things. It's tight, but it's right. So when you encounter a liar, the people who habitually lie about anything, or even if they're not habitually lying, red flag. Here's another red flag you need to pay attention to. If you encounter someone who says that all of their exes are crazy, all of their exes did them wrong, and they had no part of it, they're playing the victim. Oh, that's a red flag. Whenever they talk about their past relationships, they always make themselves seem like the victim. And it was always the ex's bad behavior. It was never anything that they did. You know, maybe the ex did have some bad behavior, but what did they contribute to that? What did they learn from that? Red flag, flag on the play. Because here's the thing: if everyone they encountered was crazy, what's your picking skill? Like that means that you never learned anything, you never grew. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. It's a red flag for me. The common denominator in all those transactions is that person. So if you keep encountering the same types of bad behaviors in relationships and they break you up, oh, the problem may be you, sir, and not your exes. Just saying, red flag for me. Here's a biggie. You know that I've always advocated for having a village when you are in a relationship, because the village can see things in your relationship that you don't, because they are not wearing those rose-colored glasses that makes everything the object of your love do be like, oh my gosh, it's so wonderful. Did you see the way he chews with his mouth open? Oh my gosh, I just love him. Sit down in two seats and be quiet, dear heart. If your friends do not like him, or your friends warn you about him, your friends are your friends for a reason. If they are in your village and they're part of your accountability and they tell you, I just don't like this one, you need to pay attention. Now, some people, you know, I guess I have to qualify this one because some people are haters. They're genuinely haters. They shouldn't be in your circle anyway. We've talked about that. You need to go back and listen to my Build a Village episode because you don't need haters in your village. Like, oh my gosh, you got enough to deal with in your life. You don't need haters in your village. So if you're bringing this person around your friends or you're sharing about your relationships with your accountability partners or your friends and they're telling you they don't like it, you got to pay attention to that. That's a red flag because a true friend is going to tell you how they truly feel because your relationship should be solid enough to handle the truth. Here's another piece to that. If the man that you're seeing or in relationship with is mean, disrespectful, or rude to your friends, that's a sign for me. That is a red flag for me. A red flag. I am telling you, I have seen it a thousand times. And you know what usually happens in these relationships? If a woman is so in love with him that she can't see what her friends and accountability partners are seeing, oh, they just hate him. They don't understand him. Like I understand him. Fast forward two years after he's broken your heart and distanced you and isolated you from all of your friends and family. Now you see what they were saying. And you've now lost two years because you wouldn't consider what they said might have been truth. I am telling you, I have seen this happen a multiplicity of times. Don't let it happen to you. It is definitely a red flag. Now, along the same lines with the rudeness angle, watch how he deals with wait staff and those in the service industry. I am telling you, that is going to tell you a lot about a man. When you're on that date, when you're out, pay attention. How do they treat the people that are serving you? How do they treat the other people they encounter? If he's ignoring them, being dismissive or rude, that's a red flag for me because it would make me wonder how he's going to behave towards me later on. Right? Right now he has an ulterior motive. He wants to impress you so he can stay in your life. That's the premise of dating. What about when it gets past the I have to impress you stage? Are you going to be rude and disrespectful to me? Because if that's the way you practice with weight staff, that's part of your life. You need to know that. Pay attention, ladies. It's a red flag for me. While we're on the topic of being unkind or being rude, let's talk about how he treats animals. Now, he may not need to own an animal or necessarily like all of them, right? Everybody may have a preference. They may like dogs over cats or they have a lizard or, you know, a pet rat. Yes, I do know people with pet rats. I haven't figured that out yet. Oh, that's a no for me. Okay. But just because they don't like them or they don't have them doesn't mean that they should be intentionally hurting them. As a matter of fact, people who intentionally hurt or injure animals, that is actually a sign of antisocial behavior disorders, like psychopathy and sociopathy. Uh ladies, I'm not going to get deep because that's outside of my wheelhouse, but I can tell you this. If he will hurt a defenseless animal, you're next. It is a black flag. You need to run fast, the other direction. Change your number, change your locks. I am not saying that to exaggerate. That is some scary behavior. Yeah. Do not pass go. Do not collect the$200. Do not wait and see. This is a black flag, not even a red. Okay. Here's one that's not as obvious, but again, I've seen this a lot. And girls, I gotta tell you, you're working too hard. And this is a red flag for me because there are some relationships where the man never initiates a date or conversation. Are you serious right now? So do you have to press him to talk to you or to go out on a date? That's a red flag. And over the course of the last, like, let's say you've been dating someone six months, reflect on how many times you had to initiate the conversation or you had to initiate the date. And I am not saying we stand back and we don't take any initiative at all. But what I am saying is if you are doing 90% of the calling, 90% of the planning, something's wrong here. That's a red flag. You both should be excited about this relationship. You both should be reaching out to talk to each other and to communicate. This should not be one-sided. It is definitely indicative of a one-sided relationship and a man not wanting to put in an effort to do what it takes to be in a relationship with you. Ladies, it is a red flag. Pay attention. Ah, here's another one. Kind of related to it. He's hot and cold. Now, you know, scripture says that, you know, because you're neither hot nor cold, I'll spew you out of my mouth. Pay attention to that because it kind of applies here. So that hot and cold, wishy-washy, one day on, one day off, it's a no-go for me. Or they bench you. Okay, so benching happens when uh someone you're dating stops seeing you in person, but they continue to contact you through like text and social media. So they don't want to be in your presence, red flag, but they also don't want to release you. Red flag. There's also ghosting, and everybody kind of knows what ghosting is, but it's that sudden and abrupt cutting off of all communication without any explanation, without any warning, right? So they just like disappear from your life. And it typically occurs when like you've been dating someone and he decides he wants to end the relationship, but he's afraid, because this is usually what it is. He's afraid that if he shares it with you, he's afraid of how you're going to handle it or what you're going to say. So a lot of times he'll just ghost you so he doesn't have to deal with the emotions that you might emote. So he'll actually just like poof, disappear from your life. Just no texts, no calls, no messages, no dates, no contact. And sometimes, like we'll start off very, very angry and we go through those stages of grief and we start, well, maybe he got into an accident. Maybe somebody died. Maybe if he ghosted you, let him go. Let him go. It is definitely a red flag. And I think the hardest part about ghosting is that you're left without any closure. You're left wondering what went wrong and what did you do. This behavior is so disrespectful and so out of order. It is a red flag. And I will tell you this, ladies, it is his way of indirectly saying to you that he doesn't want you, that he doesn't respect you, and that he doesn't love you. Don't let a man tell you that twice, whether it's directly or indirectly. This is a double red flag for me. There's also bread crumbing, right? So bread crumbing is when they lead you on, but they have no intention of ever meeting you in person or building a relationship. And I have seen this with online dating. So I've actually seen it where people have gone six months, seven months, almost a year communicating through text and email and never met up, even though they lived in the same city. Make this make sense. Or, you know, they met online and they've been conversing through the app, but you know, we're one month in, two months in, and they're not making any movement towards meeting in person or moving their relationship forward or letting it go. So they keep you in that kind of limbo, but they have no intentions, they're just leading you on. They have no intentions of going any deeper, but they don't let you know that. That's a red flag. Oh, that's a red flag, a big one. Ladies, whether um they're ghosting you, breadcrumbing you, benching you, they're just wishy-washy all over the place. One day they're in, one day they're out, it's a red flag. Release yourself. And I know not having that closure is very, very difficult, but sometimes you have to give yourself the closure because when you're waiting for someone else to give you closure, you're actually giving them the power over your ability to move on. They've moved on and they're living their lives, and you're still stuck because you're waiting for them to give you an explanation. And that explanation may never come. Give yourself the gift of closure. You close it. And the first thing you need to do is close the door to connecting with you by blocking your numbers, blocking their communication channels. Because I will tell you, and I have seen this a multiplicity of times, that people ghost you and breadcrumb you and all that kind of stuff. They're wishy-washy in and out. They're coming back. Oh, they're coming back. And sometimes the reason that they've done it is that they're curious about someone else or something else, and they just want to hold you on the side just in case I am telling you what I know for sure. They're coming back. If they did it once, they'll do it again. If you allow it, don't allow it the second time. Personal opinion doesn't make it right for you, but I think I'm right anyway. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Position Podcast. We've delved into some stories and discussed numerous red flags, and these tips and strategies were just the tip of the iceberg. There is no way I could have possibly covered everything in a single episode. So fear not. I've got some fantastic news. There's so much more to cover that I'm going to do a part two to this episode. So, in part two, we're going to continue to explore more stories and delve even deeper into red flags. I'll even share some more cautionary tales. We'll dissect some behaviors and what to look out for. Also, going to offer you more real good girlfriend wisdom to help you stay ahead of the users and the losers. So I want you to mark your calendars. Be sure to share this and subscribe to the position podcast so you don't miss this episode coming up. And ladies, please share this with a friend. Some of you know that somebody you love needs to hear this. You have shared some of this very same information with them, but they didn't receive it. Sometimes, if it comes from someone else's voice, they're more likely to listen to it. So share it with a good friend who needs it. And I also want to hear from you. If you have a story to share, a question to ask, or even a topic you'd like us to cover in part two or in general, please reach out to us on our social media channels or by email. The link is in the show notes. Thanks for being part of our journey as we uncover more red flags that you should never ignore. Until then, pray attention and pay attention. Be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. That's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.