A Little Alignment
In "A Little Alignment," we pour our hearts into conscious conversations about the things we love to geek out about -- psychology, philosophy, optimal health, art, science, mysticism, spirituality, success, relationships and more.
We live for those priceless "aha" moments that have the potential to awaken creativity and curiosity, and remind you of your beauty, power, and presence.
Our intention is to help you realign with your most whole and exceptional self.
Tune in as we navigate the beautiful path to self-discovery together. 🎙️🥂
A Little Alignment
People Pleasers Anonymous
Ever find yourself saying 'yes' when every fiber of your being is screaming 'no'? This episode is for anyone who's ever felt the weight of pleasing others at the expense of their own joy. Learning to voice your needs is as much about self-discovery as it is about transforming your relationships.
Breaking free from the compulsion to please can lead to astonishing breakthroughs in how we connect with others and view ourselves.
There is so much magnetism that is a part of somebody's aura, a part of their field, when they're just so themselves. It's not about getting what you want, doing what you want. It's about being in integrity and just being honest and being completely yourself in expressing what you need, in expressing what you love, in doing the things that you love and not doing the things that you don't love. Really making those things a priority is going to bring you more power into your life and attract more of what you want into your life. And we think the opposite. We think if we can just be everybody's cup of tea, then everything will be easier.
Speaker 1:Welcome to A Little Alignment. If you enjoy what you hear today, if you gain some value from our episode, please leave us a good rating and review at the end. Every single review counts. It really does make a difference. We would appreciate it with all our hearts. We're so glad y'all are here with us, helping us create a little more alignment in the world. Lauren and I are going to do a little People Pleasers Anonymous check-in for ourselves and for any of you who are recovering. People Pleasers, something that I think I mean there's so much to dig into. We've talked about it before, but we're like we could talk about this again.
Speaker 2:Well, I feel like we've talked about it like in little sprinkles here and there, but we've never actually just dove right in specifically on People Pleasing, you're right, so it serves Today's the day At least one episode talking about it and especially, you know, like I said, coming from us.
Speaker 1:This is something to keep us. We need the reminder and check in just as much as anybody, because we are recovering forever.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, I feel like I've definitely gotten a lot better at it Me too Because I have more awareness around what's actually going on, which is what we are going to dive into today because I feel like once you have more information about how it develops and like how it actually impacts you and the people around you, then you're like whoa, okay, we've got to do something about this, right, exactly, yeah, so that's what we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 1:We're just going to talk a little bit, dive into People Pleasing Specifically. I think some insight is sometimes helpful. Like you said, something that's helpful to us is understanding it a little bit better where it comes from, the motivations, and then also just for a little bit of a cold shower, wake up call. Oh yeah, really, talk about some of the ways that, if you continue to allow people pleasing to rule you, how it's holding you back, how it's robbing you in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, and the relationships you're in and all of that. Yeah, yeah, I actually want to start by quoting you. Okay, that's fun. Yes, as we were talking about this, kendra said people pleasing is like the true counterfeit to taking care of people.
Speaker 1:I was like what?
Speaker 2:Yes, that's actually so accurate, because you really cannot fully support others if you're not supporting yourself first.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there's an element to people pleasing where you're like I'm taking care of other people, but you're doing it to make yourself feel better, validated, whatever it is, you know, to make yourself not feel uncomfortable in some way. So are you really taking care of other people? Are you taking care of yourself, your fears or whatever the shadow self, versus deeply taking care of yourself and your evolution so that you can be more of a lighthouse in a lot of different ways and a greater capacity as well to the people that you care about the most Right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's important. So I think a good place to start is just to talk about, like, how these things, how the tendency of people pleasing develops, and there's a whole lot that can go into it. It's obviously going to be a little different for everybody, but I'll speak for myself.
Speaker 2:I think that there were a lot of sort of like patterns built in from childhood, based on exposure to, like my family and my friends, but there was also like a lack of boundaries, like I really did not know what a boundary was until I was probably in my 30s, to be honest, right, yeah, it just wasn't really taught a whole lot about boundaries, and so that just paved the way for me to I really I mean, I think that something that's a little tricky about people pleasing is it can be mistaken for just like, oh just, I'm being so kind and considerate of others, but it's so unkind and unconsiderate of yourself that there's so much that you lose in the process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know it doesn't so nice to think about like oh, I wasn't taught boundaries, there were no boundaries in my home growing up and it sounds so toxic. But it isn't always a toxic thing. It's just maybe your parents and your family also were never taught boundaries and you just have to be the one to shift things and it may be uncomfortable. I mean, it will be uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for people pleasers to set boundaries and to say like I have needs and wants that are important.
Speaker 1:Even if they don't align with what works for you right now. And what's really interesting and kind of hilarious actually is that a lot of the time we think that you know it doesn't align with what they want or what they need, when in reality we're just we're kind of like deciding for them what they need and what they want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because there's been so many times when I've been so worried and like, okay, I gotta set this boundary, which is really just another way of saying like I need to like have my own back, right, yeah, and just be honest about what I need and what works and what doesn't work for me. And when I voice it, oftentimes the response is like, okay, I had no idea. Like how can I support you? Or oh, I can totally pick up the slack this way. Or you know what I mean. And I'm like, oh, they didn't care, it wasn't like oh, this is what I need from Kendra, Even though that's what I assumed they were. Just like, I just thought you were cool with it.
Speaker 2:A big part of people pleasing to comes from the desire to maintain harmony, versus like making anybody uncomfortable, really not wanting to like challenge other people. Cause that's where I've really found myself and I think actually like, if I'm being honest with myself, if there's any lingering people pleasing tendencies which obviously there is it really comes from. Oh my God, I hate making other people feel uncomfortable. I would so rather feel uncomfortable myself than someone else feel any discomfort, especially due to any of my own doing.
Speaker 1:Right. I remember I used to say I think I've even said this in the podcast before I used to say, when it came to like eating somewhere or going and doing an activity with a group, I'm like I would have more fun or enjoy what we're doing even more knowing that everybody else is getting what they want more than I would if we went somewhere that I wanted to go. Which I don't feel that way anymore.
Speaker 2:I want to do what I want to do and it's my way, or the highway.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I've realized that it actually matters what I want and me getting what I want, and out of life, out of just eating, like what I put in my body, that's important, that my needs are filled, and what I want is also an option and an important option, right it is, and so anyway, but yeah, I used to feel like really uncomfortable. So I think that that's wanting to take care of other people is a motivation, like we talked about Wanting to make sure everybody's accounted for, taken care of, that everybody's comfortable, wanting to keep the peace, create harmony that's a huge motivation for people. Pleasing and not knowing how to set boundaries, like you said, is a big one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's another big one, and it's validation Steaking validation in that, like I only bring value when everyone else is happy, right, like that's how I get validated is just by doing what everybody else wants, right.
Speaker 1:Well, if you feel like caretaking and taking care of people is what makes you lovable and valuable, then yeah, that's the valuation you're gonna see, because, yeah, I take really good care of people and it's almost like that victimized. Take one for the team martyr is a better word. The martyr is like.
Speaker 1:You wear it like a badge of honor. I'm a martyr. I take over the team, I'll be the one to carry the load, I'll be the one to lug the burden around, and it's you want to be seen as somebody who takes care of other people, and that matters to you more than anything else. So that validation is what you're after.
Speaker 2:You know? What's funny, though, is like I have run across more, I guess, extreme versions of martyrs I don't know if I can say extreme versions of them, but I might be picking up on it differently now, because I used to just think, oh my gosh, this person is just so sweet, always doing things for others. But there's actually a little bit of a different energy that brings in more of like that martyr vibe, and you can tell, because there is an energetic difference between somebody who really takes care of themselves and is honoring themselves, but also truly wants to honor you, versus somebody who's just depleted and they're constantly just doing, doing, doing, doing, doing and going, going, going, because they feel like they have to, as if, again, that's the value they bring. And so there's a very different energy behind that, and you can tell that's just straight people Like you can sniff that from a mile away.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that doesn't actually feel good, as the person who's the recipient, like, of that deed or whatever it is that they're doing for you, like I actually start to feel bad and I'm like, okay, no, like this person is doing this because they feel like they have to.
Speaker 1:It's like you lose some trust in that relationship because you don't trust them to say no, be honest, yeah, if they say no. And you're like okay, I know, if I ask them, they're going to say yes.
Speaker 2:And I don't want them to say yes if they can't handle it, and so it makes you less inclined to ask for help, because you know they're telling me one thing, but I can sense it's really not that, and so that's part of what really tarnishes relationships about people pleasing is that there's a little bit of sincerity that gets questioned in the process.
Speaker 1:And likely. If this is sounding like you, you probably attract people who will just leech.
Speaker 2:People will totally take advantage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they know you're going to say yes. They know you're going to bend over backwards for them. You know that your number one objective in life is to please other people. You know and I mean obviously unconsciously this is something we learn about each other and pick up from each other, and that's the type of friendships and relationships that you're going to attract. And if that's not the type of relationships that you want, then you know you can't change other people. All you can do is change yourself in the dance and the dance will change.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think the tricky thing about people pleasing is that and Kendra highlighted this before is that there's like the light in the dark side to everything. So I mean, there's a lot of beauty and really wanting to take care of other people, you know, and wanting other people to be happy, but when it's coming at the cost of your own needs and it's like obviously like the sincerity is then going, it's not the same right. That's when it turns into the shadow side, and so I think that's where you really want to pay attention to yourself and what your pattern actually is around. Am I showing up for myself and others or am I just purely driven to just show up for others, regardless of what happens to me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think, no matter what, eventually you'll feel resentment, yes, and then that totally I mean yeah, if you're resenting the people that you love the most, then I mean that's really poisonous to your relationships, Right totally, which I think can take us into the next part of the conversation, which is like the effects of people pleasing. I just want to highlight one other thing that I've seen really common among people pleasing and people pleasers is oldest children tend to be people pleasers and perfectionists.
Speaker 1:And those two things tend to go hand in hand yes and yes, and I think it's yeah, exactly Me too. Yeah, that's probably. It's not funny. There's like this, and it's kind of the perfectionism shows up in your environment as well and in your relationships. It's like I need them to be perfect, and so I'm going to make sure that everybody feels good. I'm going to make sure everybody gets what they need.
Speaker 1:I'm going to make sure that and, of course, if that's your role, that's nearly impossible to make sure that everybody is happy all the time, but definitely not if you put yourself into the mix, because it's so much harder to please people when there's multiple desires, you know, and when you include yours, then it makes it so much more difficult to hyper focus on the needs of other people and then you just absolutely hanging yourself out to dry, absolutely not getting what you want out of life. And I'll tell you, as a work of bringing people please there and a friend and a, you know I have some very close relationships with people who are this way. I'm like I want you to get what you want out of life, you know, I want you to be happy, I want you to take care of yourself, and you can't force, nobody can force you to do that, but that is something that your loved ones want for you 100% For sure.
Speaker 2:One of the things that I've been able to reflect upon that was probably the biggest injustice I did to myself through all of it is it pulled me away from being my true self because I was more concerned with what others needed than what I needed.
Speaker 2:And what I mean by that, too, is that I just didn't even know who I really was based on. The things like what do I really want Because I wasn't ever asking myself that question. I was more concerned with just like going with whatever was happening around me, which leads to sort of that victim mentality, Because at that point I wasn't in control anymore of what I did or what happened. I was more just getting carried away with whatever it is everybody else wanted. So that's taking me out of my power. And then everything you know through that perspective is happening to me, right? Instead of me taking empowered action and making things happen for me, I was just kind of like, oh my gosh, this is happening, that's happening. You know I'm trying to make everybody happy, but this is what's happening to me, right? Because you just find yourself in a place that's completely out of your power.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this is also part of like perfectionism, too, when it comes to like your image. And you're like in order to have the perfect image, I have to please everybody. And so it might even not be about taking care of them At this point. It might be more about your perfect image and wanting everyone to like you.
Speaker 2:And cause.
Speaker 1:That's part of having a perfect image, right, I mean, you may not have think to yourself I need a perfect image, but you might be operating as if you do. So the only way to even maybe get a lot of people not even everybody, to get a lot of people to like you and to not rub people, the wrong way is to just totally water yourself down.
Speaker 1:You know to not be strong in your personality in any sense to not be yourself, right yeah. And who's to say that if you're more yourself, that less people are gonna like you?
Speaker 2:People have that belief, though which is the wildest thing, but it's very prominent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you do put. When you put yourself out there, you open yourself up to being liked or not liked, and if you're being yourself, then that could hurt more. If you're like, oh well, that's not really who I am anyway.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly. But at the end of the day, like you said, you're stepping out of your power. There is so much magnetism that is a part of somebody's aura, a part of their field, when they're just so themselves, right, authentic. It's not about getting what you want or doing what you want. It's about being in integrity and just being honest and being completely yourself and in expressing what you need, in expressing what you love, in doing the things that you love and not doing the things that you don't love. I mean, obviously there's always exceptions, but you know, because life happens. But generally speaking, like really making those things a priority is going to bring you more power into your life and attract more of what you want into your life. And we think the opposite. We think if we can just be everybody's cup of tea, then everything will be easier.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the other, what goes hand in hand with that is like, with the people pleasing, you're assuming that you know what others need and that takes away the ability to share what they actually want or need, what they need, what they like, with all of it.
Speaker 2:Right. So it's like a lose lose, because then you're putting energy into the wrong thing and it's just so depleting for you and then for them too, because they're not getting what they need either. So it's a crazy little like storm that can just brew out of like what you believed initially was a good intention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm sitting here thinking about just how different we all are, right, we have different desires, we have different strengths all of it right, just very unique, I should say A unique collection of all of it. And it's so valuable to have a little bit of everything right, and I just I mean, we're here the way that we are, the time that we are, with an opportunity to make everything that we've been given even better, right, yeah, and when we fall into people pleasing and trying to be something that we're not necessarily, I mean, we're just robbing the world of our, of ourselves, of our unique collection of who we are and what we have to offer.
Speaker 1:Not to mention robbing ourselves of just being able to live your own life. Like, let's talk about the physiological effects. So you think about your nervous system and how much that's shifted. As we've kind of let go more and more of people pleasing, I'm way more at ease. I'm not constantly hyper-vigilant making sure who's looking at me, who looks like they're approving, who's not. Where am I going to be? How do I need to show up Constantly monitoring yourself? Yes, it's exhausting and it's so exhausting Literally bad for your health. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think that, like I, yeah, this points directly at why I think I've had thyroid issues, like that throat chakra has literally shut down because I wasn't able to vocalize what I needed, or I didn't feel safe to say the things that I felt or thought or whatever.
Speaker 2:So I just shut it down, shut it down, shut it down. Oh wild. Now my thyroid is underactive. Well, hello yeah, cause for years and years and years I was shutting it down. I wouldn't allow energy through desires or how I felt, or what I felt needed to be said actually flow through that area. I stopped it over and over and over and again, so that created a pattern. It was, you know, stuck energy that created dis-ease in my body.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Makes sense huh, it does. Perhaps it's worthwhile to repeat something that's been said many times that you have no control over other people's experience of you.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. And so when you pour energy and time, effort, any, all of the energy, any, any energy into it time, effort, money, into trying to control the people's experience of you, it's wasted. Oh my gosh, it's so true. And on top of that, I mean when you're showing up in a crap like you've crafted a specific way that you're showing up around people, there's a part of you that wonders if they actually like you, for you, uh-huh, if they actually love you, if you're actually accepted deeply, I mean I feel like, yeah, there was part of me that put we've talked about this before, but it's worth repeating again that there was a part of me that felt like my worth was inherently tied to how I physically was showing up, like how I looked.
Speaker 1:And that was part of what pleased people about me, yeah, and so I put a lot of effort into that, yeah. But there was this whisper always present in my mind that was like, if you know, if I looked in the mirror one time and I looked, you know where, I just woke up and to me I looked terrible, or if I were to go bald, or if I were to all this stuff?
Speaker 1:would my friends still wanna be friends with me? Would the people that are attracted to me still be attracted to me Like my husband or my boyfriends at the time, or whatever?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know what I mean. Like it was just always there. I do know exactly what it would be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I know I've said this before too, like back in the beauty series, but there was a lot of what I felt the worth or value was that I brought to the world was like I have to look a certain way, and if I don't, then that part of me, that that value would be gone. Right, yeah. So then there's a lot of control around that and trying to make sure that I'm pleasing to the eyes, because that was part of my identity and what I needed to maintain in order for other people to be happy Right, and then get the validation that would then make me happy.
Speaker 1:So that's what I thought, that's exhausting, oh so exhausting. And there's a part of you that doesn't actually ever feel totally accepted.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because you're like, I'm not actually being myself, I'm hiding, I'm keeping so much of myself to myself in order to please people, and so I always wondered do they actually love me for me, or do they love the me that I've shown them?
Speaker 1:Yep 100% let that go. I mean, I've let that go in a lot of ways and I'm like wow, like yeah, it's hard to explain because it is so experiential, like a lot of things, but just going through it was so settling, like I feel like so settled in myself more than I ever have, to the point where I'm like I don't even I used to obsess over so many things that I'm like I actually don't need those things. And there's something to be said about. I think there's many quotes out there from you know, wise leaders that have said like the pinnacle of life is being able to live with less you know what?
Speaker 1:I mean To be able to survive and be happy with less. And there's so many things that I would hold on to, because I thought that those things like showing up a certain way, having certain things all of it, my life being a certain way, my beliefs, all of it were why people loved me and why I was able to be successful, and all of that, and, yeah, I needed it when the more you need, I feel like, the less freedom you have.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, cause it's reliant on something external. There was a huge shift that happened for me when I opened up communication about what I needed for the first time and allowed the people that I thought that I was, you know, just living my life, for that I was trying so hard to people, please, when I actually allowed them the chance to speak Like, for example. This goes back to like so, rob and I, before we got married, we had a weekend where we intentionally planned what we wanted marriage to mean for us and I got into a job. Then what was my role? What was his role? What do I not want my role to be? What do I, you know, in saying for him?
Speaker 2:And it's wild how much our relationship shifted instantly Because I yeah instantly because I actually vocalized what I needed and I actually had clarity on what it was that he needed and wanted as well, and there was so much relief in that conversation.
Speaker 2:I broke down emotionally because it was like a full body release of just like, oh my God, I don't have to carry this anymore, and I didn't realize that I was carrying it to such an extent that it was weighing on me so heavily and affecting our relationship. This is where I think people pleasing is just so dangerous, not just for you but for the people around you too, because I was really holding Rob back in a lot of ways that I was completely unconscious of and it was unnecessary. We were talking about energetically depleting and all of that. I mean it was all of that. And you know, this is my relationship and somebody that I care deeply about, and it's wild. We'd already been together at that point like, I think, like nine years, and it was the first time that I was crystal clear on what my role was and what his role was, and it felt really freaking good Like about what you wanted your role to be Like.
Speaker 1:This is what I want.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's the key too is what I wanted it to be. Not just what I thought it had to be because, those were actually two different things.
Speaker 2:I had been going along with what I thought it needed to be before that and then, once I finally shared what I wanted it to be and it's funny, it was in alignment with what he wanted. And then you know, of course there's some places where you know we need a compromise or whatever. But you always end up feeling good because you're really clear on where the other person stands. You're not making assumptions about what you know they needed, therefore overstepping, and then feeling like, oh, you know, I have to do this again or whatever, like no, you know. So it kind of goes back to like. What you're saying is like just releasing this expectation we put on ourselves of how we show up and instead getting to the facts of like what it actually is and being clear about what that is for you too and what you need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's yeah. I think that knowing what you want is probably an uncomfortable topic to broach for people who are deep into people pleasing still, because if you know, if you're first of all, if you're clear on what you want, then you're clear. It's more clear when you're not.
Speaker 1:Getting it yeah exactly when you're acting out of alignment with that, but then also giving yourself permission to even have things that you want, like giving yourself permission to you know, it's like what I see in my mind's eye when I picture the energy of people pleasing is it's just shrinking you your light just shrinking yourselves to be as small as possible so you don't bump up against people.
Speaker 1:You don't require anything from other people. You just as small and as convenient and as whatever is possible. But I mean, even if your desires challenge to the people that you love, I mean, if they really are, if they really do love you, they will be first of all up for the challenge.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Second of all, we're here to be challenged right. And it's a challenge to speak up. It's a challenge to accommodate or to just see someone else's perspective. But I think honestly in my experience, more often than not, when we just are able to speak up like you said, your example when you just say this is what works for me and this is what doesn't, typically what we're met with if we're in healthy relationships is to some degree just like okay, let's talk about it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:If not like oh, I had no idea you felt that way, that's no problem at all.
Speaker 2:That happens so often with my clients too Crazy how much smaller of a deal it is when it's out there and you're talking about it, versus in your head, Right? Oh, because people have this tendency too is to say, oh, I already know what he's gonna say when I say this. He's gonna say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right, we already run through the story that we believe is true Before we even give them an opportunity to say how they feel right.
Speaker 1:We let the story lead that and the inherent belief that we're only valuable because we're easy.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So allowing yourself to be big, to take up some space to have needs yeah, I know that can be really really challenging, Really scary, oh for sure.
Speaker 2:And it definitely is. At first, yeah, but I think this is another reminder where just because it feels challenging doesn't mean it's wrong.
Speaker 1:No, not at all. So I remember when I first got married and for those of you who maybe this is your first time listening, I have I married into four children or so I have four step kids and I, just historically speaking, especially up to that point, was the kind of personality where I would just dive in head first, like not looking back as soon as I made a decision. It was like all or nothing, like I was all in and so I did not use into that role whatsoever and I you know that was something also that was part of my people pleasing Like this is what I sign up for and I'm gonna be the best of everything for everyone.
Speaker 2:So intense.
Speaker 1:It was so, so intense and I there were many, many occasions where I really wanted a break. I wanted a break. I no, I needed a break. I mean I was breaking down, which to me is a signal Like if you're breaking down, it's because you're not giving yourself to breaks intentionally. So I was not giving myself breaks intentionally, and so I would get to burnout or break down in another set of words and it finally got to the point where I I mean this was years later, where I was in the bathroom sobbing and dead came and found me and he was like what's wrong? And I was so just threadbare as far as, like my energy and my heart and my body and everything that I was, I was finally, finally opened up. I was like I'm tired of taking care of people. I just want to be taken care of. I just want to be taken care of for once.
Speaker 2:You just spoke. Your truth, yeah, and that's all I said, and he was like what?
Speaker 1:I had no idea you felt this way. How could he?
Speaker 2:I was going around with a smile on my face like, nope, this is easy, I'm fine.
Speaker 1:Everything's good. Don't worry about me, I am not important, you know, I'm just here to please and do my best. No-transcript. Things really shifted at that point and it was really difficult at first to let go and feel not guilty about Sitting on the couch. But luckily I have a partner who's very supportive and he was like don't get up, you stay on that couch, I will do the dishes, I will take care of this. I've got it. But he had to kind of force me because it was so difficult to watch and not feel guilty. Now, different story. Now I'm like am I being selfish? Oh, could I be more helpful? Like I have to have that conversation more often than I ever have, because that was never even an option.
Speaker 1:Selfishness was never even Possible to be part of the conversation. But anyway, although I thought it was, I thought that anything was selfish, that was for me, and now I'm like, how far can I push this? Yeah, not really, but anyway, it's just amazing to see that when you open up and you allow yourself to have needs and yep also dreams and desires, mm-hmm, I mean, that's when a the people in your life can come through to support you in that right, they actually want that for you.
Speaker 2:They do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if they're worth having around. Honestly, mm-hmm, because that's I'm just, that's my opinion, yeah. And your angels in the universe like how can we get what we want out of life unless we're Allowing ourselves to know what we want and to have wants to have?
Speaker 2:desires. Yeah, like, actually take the time to ask yourself what that is I feel like, and ask for it. Yeah, like I. It's so funny because I've done this with a lot of clients and I was the same way when I first asked myself this. But I Sometimes just come back to the simple question Okay, well, what, what do you want? Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's a powerful question and it's so crazy how we can freeze up Because we have such a deep people-placing tendency that we just Like don't have the practice in actually considering those things right. You know so to some people this might sound completely foreign because you have a good practice of checking in with yourself and staying in tune with it. For me, at this point I've gotten a lot better at it, but I really remember like doing some journaling and asking myself, okay, what do I want? And I it was. It was really challenging To come up with what that was.
Speaker 2:Yeah if there's any place to start, it would be right there. Just ask yourself like what do I want? And give yourself some categories. Maybe it's like what do I want within my you know career? What do I want from a relationship? What do I want from you know my spirituality, whatever. But just have that conversation with yourself and then it's gonna be about figuring out how to set up the boundaries and communicating that with the people around you to help you start making the shifts. You need to to actually support yourself First so that you can show up as the full version of you to support the people you care about. Yeah, yeah, baby steps.
Speaker 1:Right, baby steps that are just uncomfortable enough. Right, because it is, it's, it's. We both know that it's difficult to say, well, this is what I want and I'm totally allowed to want it. That's a baby step in and of itself. That is uncomfortable. To believe that you deserve to get what you want, even if it doesn't align with the people around you, and that's, I mean, that's where you have the conversations and you find how to make it possible. You don't just say, well, f you, I'm gonna give it what you could. You don't have to, though. I mean you could, still, like, make it work with the people that you love, if you value relationship above getting what you want.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, there's, there's so much that people pleasing rob from us and it's just kind of, I mean, looking back. I hate to say this because it's such a Such a wound, such a painful thing, but it is so silly to spend so much of our lives Trying to please people when we a have no control over that and be part of what serves the world and the planet is getting exactly what we want and being exactly who we are right, profoundly. And yet we waste so much time and energy, literally just waste it just throw it away. Trying to be something that we're not Trying to make something happen, that's impossible. It's just all based on a story too.
Speaker 2:It's not even based in the truth Most of the time. Yeah, crazy, crazy.
Speaker 1:Anyway, we could leave this here for now, I suppose. Yeah, this is probably something we can revisit for a people pleasing Anonymous people please in part. Two people please is anonymous. Yeah, just random tech ends like so. This is how we're doing. How are you guys? It's a process, just like everything. It's a fun one, though I'm really loving coming home to myself and just I love that.
Speaker 2:I love that you just said that, yeah, yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, it's so much more fulfilling. There's so much more of you to share what you want to share, much more of you to share when you are actually supporting yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so true. I love the way you just said that.
Speaker 2:Well, love y'all. Yeah, I love you. Have a great day. If you found any of what we shared today helpful, please share this with a friend, and we would so appreciate a rating and review to help us grow and reach more people. Also, please feel free to send us any feedback and questions. You can find us on Instagram. Kendra can be found at Kendra dire crab, ken, dra, dyer, cra, bb, and you can find myself at Lauren penia dial, and it's la you are in. Thank you so much for listening and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.