A Little Alignment
In "A Little Alignment," we pour our hearts into conscious conversations about the things we love to geek out about -- psychology, philosophy, optimal health, art, science, mysticism, spirituality, success, relationships and more.
We live for those priceless "aha" moments that have the potential to awaken creativity and curiosity, and remind you of your beauty, power, and presence.
Our intention is to help you realign with your most whole and exceptional self.
Tune in as we navigate the beautiful path to self-discovery together. 🎙️🥂
A Little Alignment
Unraveling Emotional Entanglements with Compassion and Courage
Have you ever felt like a marionette, with strings taut to the whims of others' emotions? Today's episode untangles the complex web of taking ownership of our feelings while releasing the burden of others'. Navigating the delicate balance of empathy and personal accountability, we chat how liberating it can be to practice radical responsibility in our relationships.
How can I lovingly hold space for you when you're feeling triggered by me, but not allow you to feel like it's actually my fault? This is an interesting topic because in some ways, it can come off as like you can't give a shit what someone else thinks about you or how someone else responds to you. You need to show up in alignment with love and be compassionate, but you also cannot take responsibility of how somebody responds to your truth.
Speaker 2:Welcome to a little alignment. If you enjoy what you hear today, if you gained some value from our episode, please leave us a good rating and review at the end. Every single review counts. It really does make a difference. We would appreciate it with all our hearts. We're so glad y'all are here with us, helping us create a little more alignment in the world.
Speaker 1:Okay, so today's topic is really cool and I think, to start, I think I want to give myself a little acknowledgement, which is interesting.
Speaker 1:But I want to do it because this is something that I've historically really struggled with and I think that it's been a huge lesson in my life to finally come to the other side of it and be able to understand it more deeply. And it's life changing and what we're going to talk about is taking responsibility for other people's feelings and the radical responsibility that we have in owning our own. So this is like a double-sided topic and we're going to start with ourselves, because I think that's like the first really important place to turn is inward yeah it's the only place you really can begin.
Speaker 2:You can't start with going into other people's minds and hearts. You just can't do that anyway. Right, which would be?
Speaker 1:completely counterproductive for this entire conversation, actually. So we're going to dig into why we're starting with responsibility for our own feelings and then also removing the burden of feeling like you're in charge for other people's as well. So yeah, kendra, what are your thoughts when you think about taking responsibility, radical responsibility for your own feelings, emotions, all?
Speaker 2:that? Well, first of all, the word radical makes me want to like snap and like pop my hip Radical responsibility. But I think about just the cold hard truth that nobody can control your feelings but you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, nobody.
Speaker 2:So anytime you say, oh, they made me feel this way, or I feel this way because they did this, that's a big red flag for you.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Not for them, for you to just take a moment and understand what's really going on and what really is happening, because most of the time, when we get in arguments or we get into, you know what we call drama, or create the tea that we all love to hear about. Not to be in yeah, to hear about, for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not to be a part of.
Speaker 2:We're talking. We tend to argue or be really in the surface level. Shit right, Really really get into it about the surface level stuff when really it's all rooted. It's sprouting from this deeper rooted thing that we don't allow ourselves to look at when we blame other people for how we're feeling, because it's again, we're just talking about something that happened right here today or last week, but it's salting a wound that was opened a long time ago, Right, and for whatever reasons, right. So the important thing here of learning to take radical responsibility for yourself is that well, I mean, it's not just, it's like life changing. It will change your relationships, it will change the way that you move through the world.
Speaker 2:It will help you to actually heal some of those things so that you don't keep stuck in these repetitive argument situations. I mean, I have there's a girl that I went to high school with. She used to be one of my really really good friends and she stated the worst guys, just like the worst guys, right. And she's always like guys suck, guys are the worst, guys are cheaters, guys are blah, blah, blah, blah, right. I was like yeah, totally whatever. And then now you know, I, you know, once in a while you look on Facebook like I wonder how they're doing. They pop into your mind to check her, check on her, and she has, she posts the same stuff like just guys suck, guys suck. And she has babies from different dads and that's, there's nothing wrong with that. But she just can't, she's not, she's not finding herself with the right type of guy, the guy that she actually wants, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And she's blaming men. She's blaming men for sucking at being what she needs, right, instead of saying why do I keep ending up with the same guy, yeah and whatever. So it's, it can affect. It can affect your life in a lot of ways, but yeah really. I mean, I think we can all look at our own individual lives and see how this is affecting us today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, and the thing too is like well, for me, I think that it's it's really disempowering when someone else is in control of your emotions and your feelings, and so it's about taking your power back. When you are stepping into that radical responsibility. You're now becoming way more powerful and like one of my favorite things ever because it kind of goes back to like all my heart math stuff is like just becoming more resilient, and so, like the visual I like to pair with this is like having this bubble that you create around yourself that must be protected, and if you're constantly like, oh my God, somebody's going to come into my bubble or somebody's going to like interfere with my bubble, I have to protect this. I can't allow it. You're creating more work and less resilience to life by having to spend so much energy upholding this bubble, versus if you were to take your power back.
Speaker 1:Let's say, somebody like rows you up of some sort, you get hurt or some emotion comes out and you blame them. Now your power is gone and you're trying to just patch up that bubble. But you have a choice. The empowered part of you can decide. This is a signal for me about where I'm not free or where I have something unhealed, and let me explore this and let me take ownership for how I want to respond, because then it's inevitably going to happen again. Something will happen similar, maybe a little bit different, but because you went inward and you took responsibility for your feelings and did some reflection, you are going to be able to approach that situation from a place that's empowered, because now you actually allowed yourself to feel something.
Speaker 1:Now you actually allowed yourself to dig in and explore and see something from a new perspective, and the next time you could have potentially been triggered you just might not- because, now you have a better understanding of yourself and you're in an empowered place, so just becoming more resilient and powerful like hello sounds way better than just trying to like pawn off your feelings on someone else or make someone else responsible for those For sure, I think it's just a resistance piece, because I think that, well, I can think of, remember several situations where, as I've done this work to take radical responsibility for my own experience and my own perceptions and my own.
Speaker 2:Whatever you get into these conversations where people are triggered which is a word, whatever I actually like the word activated I think I've said that before Something in them is activated that's just been dormant, that's been there already and they're telling you how they're feeling. Right, they're expressing themselves and likely using language that sounds blamey, right, like you made me feel and when you did this or because of this, I'm feeling that and you can, when you do this work, you can recognize what's going on, like okay, what they're doing right now is just expressing to me what they're feeling. It has nothing to do with me, because I genuinely know that I don't have any control over how they're feeling. So let me listen to what they're experiencing, because that is real. What they're experiencing is real.
Speaker 2:The language that they're using, the things that they're trying to pin it on, isn't necessarily perfectly accurate, right, but being able to listen, that's what resilience is. Right Is being able to be in chaos or something that's high emotion or volatile and not be caught up in the storm. Right, yes, to be able to be the grounded, the safe space and I'll tell you what this is both benefits, both people in that conversation, right, right, because when you're feeling really grounded and really secure and you're not it's not so easy to be like riled up or pulled into the storm you're able to be more in love with that person with yourself and see more clearly what is going on, so you can make some progress, that you can heal together, so that you can whatever it is that you decide to work towards.
Speaker 1:But yeah, that resilience piece, it blesses blesses, all yeah, and it's also interesting too, because, as you're saying that, I'm thinking like a lot of times we're more activated with the people we love.
Speaker 1:Oh absolutely Than we are with somebody you know, an acquaintance, or somebody we don't know, and so it's interesting, because that's when we can really pull in more compassion, and the tendency, though, is to do the opposite. The tendency is to get more angry, to become more emotional and just like flip out or whatever, and that's the exact opposite of what you would actually want to do, so I think that it's just important to point that out is like this isn't like you said. This is for you and them, because if there's a relationship you actually care about, it's going to be the ones with the people that you really love, and it's just funny that this is what happens more so with the people you love than versus anyone else. That's so true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have an example that's coming to mind that has kind of made a full circle moment very recently actually for me. You know I used to. We've talked already. You know, if you've listened to any other episodes, you've probably heard a shock about, like our people pleasing tendencies we just had an episode about this and not wanting to make other people uncomfortable, not, you know, standing up for ourselves. All of that is something that started for me pretty young and I was talking to my mom about it. She was just out here talking to my mom about it and she was like I don't know what happened when you were like nine or 10 years old. She used to be like you were just a force, like no one could tell you, no, nobody could stand in your way when you wanted something. She said you turn nine, 10 and you started getting bullied and you just let people walk all over you and I was like what happened? You know, she? Because that's not how you were, that's not how you came into the world.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I was like huh and I just thought of all the times. I'm sitting here, thinking of all the times that I've blamed you know. Oh, it's because I was in this type of relationship where I didn't feel safe to stand up for myself or because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right Again. There's different ways, even like enlightened conversation, that we can use to blame other people for for our experience right, and it really was a pretty simple moment.
Speaker 2:And to my mom I was like you know, there was when I was a kid. I don't think that I felt like I was allowed to say no at home, so that might have developed this feeling like I'm not allowed to say no or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she was like well, you know, we had a great conversation around it because I was very, it was a safe space, I was honest and was like I really think that's what happened and not giving her that responsibility, but understanding for myself already understanding for myself that that is something that happened when I was younger and it wasn't her fault she was doing. I heard this quote recently that people are doing the best they can with the consciousness that they have the amount of consciousness that they're in.
Speaker 2:So I was like it's not like I was blaming her, but it was still understanding. That's what happened when I was younger and now you know, that kind of set me off on a trajectory and being able to share that with her not an anger, and I even said you know it's okay because you are doing your best. Nobody knows the best way to parent. Everybody's a first time parent when they first have a kid and I'm the oldest.
Speaker 2:You're the oldest, we were the guinea pig children. You know it was a really. It was a really healing moment, and a lot of that was because I have been able to learn to take responsibility and not blame and I used to blame my mom specifically for a lot, and I think you know the mother wound is something that is really widespread. We all experience it to some extent, and maybe not with our own mothers, but with the feminine in general. But anyway, I've talked to a lot of women. A lot of clients have this deep, you know, wound when it comes to their own relationship with their mom. So, thank you, it's, it's, there's. There is a process of grieving, I think, or a process of allowing yourself to again, like we were talking about earlier, listen to yourself and be like this is what you're feeling, and what you're feeling is real, it's not invalid, but then being able to hear it for what it really is and it's like, oh, what I hear is this girl who just Felt like she wasn't allowed to have an opinion.
Speaker 2:Yeah and that was what she learned and that's okay. And we can see now that that's just not true and it was her mom doing. Her best was that she could and we can resolve that and move forward. But that can only happen if you listen to yourself and understand what you're really feeling and not just take the easy route. Oddly enough, it's the easy route to say, oh, that's just cuz my mom didn't let me say no end of story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cuz then you're gonna be stuck in that story forever, like I was saying, that's that bubble you just patched up the bubble and you're just making it harder for yourself in the long run Because you're going to get hurt again and again and again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly, and just put a little plug in here that's, this is also what generational healing, generational trauma can look like. It's not always this, like Whatever you think it is, it's a simple conversation. My mom and I were just on a walk. It was a very simple conversation, but I felt something in that moment like a little wound close.
Speaker 2:You know just like yeah, little bippity-boppity boo right, and and just because I was able to share with her that I do see what happened and to let her know, but then also to let her know that I forgive her, and I realized that she didn't do it on purpose, she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was just you know whatever, and I just, yeah, our relationship in that moment shifted a little bit and I think that it's gonna affect Her.
Speaker 2:I mean, I watched it shift her and the way that she was talking about herself as mom, which is typically pretty defensive, and she was like at first, like well, no, I gave you options. And then she paused and Was like yeah, I might have done that when I was like, but I forget, it's okay, I understand, I Might have done that right anyway, yeah there's a little plug for healing the, which I mean actually not a plug.
Speaker 2:This whole thing can relate back to the different traumas that we experience and that's what our wounds are, and we're trying to blame other people in the moment for Waking us up to those things instead of just listening to ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think what worked so well in that scenario is because you went into that Taking responsibility for what had happened instead of being like, well, you know, it's probably because when I was little, you're always saying I had to blah, blah, blah, right, because then of course she's gonna get defensive Because she was doing the best that she could. And also keep in mind you as a little, you know, nine or ten year old, we're just perceiving something a certain way, which doesn't necessarily mean it was true, that was just your perception, you know, and again, that's like Thanks to you doing that, you know, in our work and recognizing this. But I think that Because you held compassion for your mom and where she was and just being a mom for the first time, and also for yourself, you were in your power and you took responsibility for, you know, this perception that you had and it allowed her to have her guard down enough to where she also could take responsibility for Potentially what she did as well.
Speaker 1:So I think the way that you approached it ended up actually opening the door for both of you guys to Actually just be open to that information or be open to that thought rather than getting Defensive or closing off or wanting to blame because that's part of this is that when you're not taking responsibility for your end of things and you bring it to a discussion or a conversation Without taking responsibility, this is just. That is instead opening the door for an argument. Yeah boy, does it go there fast? Sure does like very fast, sure does.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it's easier.
Speaker 2:It's easier you want to take out all of your, everything that you're feeling, and that's a really great way to do it is to say, well, this is someone, and I think too, probably part of this is we give ourselves More permission to be angry at someone else than we do to just feel like hurt and to just like feel our feelings and and yeah, I've seen that in myself and other people it's easier to be like that Want to spoil in for a bite and ready to like, really let out some anger instead of, you know, allowing yourself to say maybe I'm feeling all of this and I don't need another person to give myself permission to feel it.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, I mean yeah yeah, no, I think that it's also easier to just blame someone else than to potentially see that you could do something different. Yeah, that would require more self-awareness and probably to be like face-to-face with something that maybe isn't like great about yourself or you're gonna have to, you know, deal with some uncomfortable emotions. So, yeah, it's a whole lot easier to be like no, it's your fault. You're the one that made me feel, however, because blah, blah, blah, blah and now it's just a battle of who can.
Speaker 1:Who can make the other person believe that it's their fault or their responsibility more.
Speaker 2:How productive.
Speaker 1:Is that actually like? It literally has never Gone well for me when conversations get to that point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally Do. You know? What just popped into my mind is it's so funny because I've gotten into Um, gotten into it with Rob, with your husband before about astrology and like oh yeah, Blame me everything on mercury mercury being about to get in why he thinks, because he is a firm believer that mercury isn't Gatorade.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm like this is a great, you know, because I'm like, look, I hear you. I think that it's so. It's so tempting to blame a planet or to blame a person for how we're feeling. Yeah, and it gets us off the hook for having to, like, go deeper. I'll be like why you?
Speaker 2:know what's really going on. However, with people and with planets, anything we're in relationship with there's going to be an effect, right, but all it's doing is bringing up something that's already there. So, mercury being in retrograde, it's not the reason you're feeling what you're feeling. You're getting yelled at by somebody at the grocery store or your partner looking at you funny, like they're definitely doing that and it is salting a wound, but that's all it's doing. It's bringing up, it's activating a wound that's already there. So to just blame them, like I feel this because you looked at me funny, or I feel this because Mercury is in retrograde, so I'm just going to let it pass and then I'll feel better.
Speaker 2:That's yeah, you're giving away your power, You're not taking responsibility and responsibility can be an icky word to some people I know it has been to me in the past If you have a wounded relationship with responsibility in general but really all it's saying is like, let's just like take a moment and ask ourselves what's really going on below? Yeah, what is that song that's really going on below? Oh, it's Hallelujah, nevermind. Actually, that's a great song. I don't know, you know the Jeff Buckley version. I actually can't stand that song anymore because I've heard it so many times. We used to sing it in our family show, but the Jeff Buckley version is actually, I mean, stunning, especially if you think about it in the context of this.
Speaker 1:I have no idea what song that is yes, you do, I do. Hallelujah, oh yeah, yeah, I know that song Hallelujah JK.
Speaker 2:I know what you're talking about. There's a verse that's like and that's really going on below, but you don't have to say that. Anyway, it's really good. Yep, I know what you're talking about now. Listen to it and think about taking responsibility for yourself.
Speaker 1:Yep, anyway.
Speaker 2:I think that Everything's a song to me.
Speaker 1:It is Everything's a song to me, so sweet, I love that. Oh, I love that about you.
Speaker 1:Me too. The thing that I was thinking is that a good example of this taking responsibility is there's some days that you could be going through life and you are in such a good place and somebody does something super shitty to you, I don't know, cuts you off or tries to cut in front of you and line at the grocery store. And I know, for me, on those days when I'm feeling really good and I see somebody doing that, I'm like, eh, they probably just have a lot going on and it doesn't really bother me. For me, my favorite thing, my favorite go-to when people are acting wild on the road is I will literally be like you know what they have to poop. Really bad, I knew it, they gotta poop. I mean, because I think that's what it is. They're acting out, they are pedaling to the metal.
Speaker 2:They're pedaling to the metal because they gotta poop and you know what.
Speaker 1:We've all been there, so just let it be, I hope they make it Might as like this is my grandma.
Speaker 2:This is my grandma in front of me. She's not driving very well, but I still love her.
Speaker 1:So then on those days, I know for me I'm in a good place and I'm not activated or triggered. But then there's the days where it's like oh my God, this person did this. Oh my God, this or that or the other. Who is responsible? It's totally me, because if the same thing can happen on a day when I feel good and on a day where I'm not, but I have a completely different response based on how I'm feeling, that is 100% my responsibility and not the person who cut me off.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean, we've been hearing this since grade school. Nobody can make you feel anything. Nobody can make you feel he made me Matt teacher Nobody can make you feel anything. I mean, we've learned, we've heard this forever and yet we still try to make it other people's problems. And we heard it recently said then I love this. It's your problem or your solution because that's really what's going on here?
Speaker 2:when something comes up and you're feeling extra emotional, extra triggered, activated, salted, wound, whatever, all it is is just an opportunity, and I think that's what you said when we were talking about this is this is always an opportunity to reclaim a part of yourself, to come back into yourself more powerfully, to have more space for all of it right, and to weed out the stuff that's keeping you from being free, right, and that's all that it is. And so when you start to see, is that, then it I mean it gets easier and easier. Sometimes you gotta do it triggered, you gotta do it scared, you gotta do it not really knowing what you're doing or how to do it, but the more you practice going inward and saying, okay, just being willing to do it too, for sure.
Speaker 2:And then you start to. You get better at it, you get better. It's like any relationship the relationship you have with yourself improves the more you work on it. Right, Yep.
Speaker 1:Are you ready to go into the other side of this? Yeah, yeah, which? This is also equally as freeing, I think, because this is also something I struggled with was taking responsibility for other people's feelings. So like, obviously we have to take responsibility for our own, but that also means that other people need to do the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we have to allow them to.
Speaker 1:Yes, so there's been so many times where, because I believed I was responsible for other people's feelings, it would really push me to a point where I was creating scenarios in my head that maybe didn't even exist, like I used to have and I think we've talked about this before but I used to have like major social hangovers.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I, it was like, and it just it got worse and worse as I got older and I would literally wake up in the middle of the night after, like, having a great night out with friends or family, just being around anybody, and I would be like, oh my God, when I said X, Y and Z do like, could they have potentially thought that I meant blah, blah, blah? Or did they feel okay when I said blah, blah, blah, or how was so and so doing, because I was taking so much responsibility for other people's experience of me, and it would literally drive me crazy because I would overthink it, I would stay awake worrying about it and what like. I mean, even in some scenarios I would reach out to somebody and be like, hey, when I said blah, blah, blah, like did that make you feel blah, blah, blah? And they'd be like no, I'm like, oh my God, I literally stayed awake last night worrying about it, like I didn't think twice about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's like it would drive me to some like really crazy overthinking, like guilting myself or being afraid to approach a conversation with somebody else, because I was just, no matter how I would slice it in my mind I was going to end up hurting them, you know, or something potentially like all the things I didn't want to happen. No-transcript, that is such a disempowering place to be. But it's also just like this really big fake, false idea that I was ever in control of how someone else felt, because I like we can't make anybody else do or say or think anything, so why would we all of a sudden have all this power when we're just trying to interact and, you know, be authentic or genuine, have a good time yeah, just having a good time but all of a sudden, like I'm taking responsibility for how someone else responds.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally yeah. I this. I mean listening to talk about how you are with social hangout, how you happen with social hangovers, and like that's just sweet. Yeah, it's a sweet reflection of this. But there's also, you know, think about when you're in a conversation with your partner or a loved one, and it becomes a blame fest.
Speaker 2:Or they're like this is how I feel and you're like but you, you shouldn't feel that way, because I didn't mean it that way and this is what I really meant. And listen to me and it's like well, you're not listening to me, but nobody's getting heard, you're just defending yourselves. You're defending yourselves instead of really listening to each other. And, yeah, like, when you can first take responsibility for how you feel, then you can gift people that responsibility as well, and what that does is it gives you more space to be able to really hear right which.
Speaker 2:I said at the beginning of this like you, you know that you have. No, you're not really in trouble because you didn't do anything right.
Speaker 2:Obviously there are Boundaries that we create there are expectations that we can have for ourselves and what we want in a partner and in life and stuff, and we can be aware of those boundaries being violated and whatnot and just right. You can't get that, but especially if the response is Something that you're like wait, that's a not at all. Yeah, like it's, it's out of proportion, based on what actually happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah like okay, this is not at all about what actually happened. They are Feeling something because of this, something that is been there, and they're expressing how they're feeling, and the more you let someone talk and express Themselves, the more clarity will come from it right and honestly, I've had Like interactions with my husband where I'm like and I'm not doing this to be a bitch, by the way I'm sitting and listening for real and that energy you can't fake your energy right.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I'm genuinely in a space of hearing. I'm hearing, I'm hearing and I'm holding that space, which is what that means like you're, you're stable and your feet are planted and you're not Taking this personally and you're just really hearing. Yeah, and he talks himself through the entire argument, right, and he's like okay, now that I hear myself say that I realize that that's not totally true, and now that I hear myself say that I can see that this is something that I've been feeling for a long time that has nothing to do With us, and I can see you know what I mean. That's so.
Speaker 1:But see, he's coming around to the radical responsibility. Exactly is great.
Speaker 2:Yes but I mean people. We are all capable of it and it's funny when you hear somebody that's actually advice that I've heard from the time I was young like just let someone hear the echo of their own voice, like let someone hear themselves, yeah, and they're like, oh wait, now that I hear that out loud, you know. Yeah. So as you let somebody kind of talk through what they're feeling, and they keep going and sometimes it'll get Nassier and messier, because they're getting to the root of it, which is just really in the weeds.
Speaker 2:You know like, yeah, all the thorns and all the bushes and they're really good into it, yeah, but then that's them processing, that's them really working through what they're feeling. Right, and when you know that you have no responsibility for how they're feeling, then you're not Taking any responsibility and you're not making it about yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:This has nothing to do with me, but I can be the space that hears it, the healing witness that will hear it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's happened for me and so many of the like deepest arguments is like, all of a sudden, what you'll hear somebody do is say something that is so far removed from the truth that it is, it almost. It just doesn't. It almost doesn't make sense for the context of your Conversation. Yeah, like what brought it up? Like whoa, like it's almost like a third, fourth person walked in and you're like wait, who, what is this about? Yeah, you don't even care about me. Yeah, you don't even love me. Okay, like that's. Is that where we've landed?
Speaker 2:laughing out loud like that's not so sad that they feel that way.
Speaker 1:But it's just, but it gets to that point right, because they're trying so hard To make it your fault that, all of a sudden, the things they're saying are just so far out of reality.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And so it's like yeah, I like Let that speak for itself, because clearly it's not the truth, mm-hmm, but this is Bringing to light a belief that is deep down there that this person has right like it's coming out on you exactly, but it doesn't mean it belongs to you, because, again, you're not responsible for all of the past experiences and Perceptions from this person's past right you're not responsible for their feelings.
Speaker 2:Their trauma is Right and you're not responsible for healing their trauma. They are right and up. By the way, you same goes for you. The way you're feeling isn't because of them. It's because if you're trauma and you're the only one that can even touch that, like, you're the one that can heal that and it's up to you, that's your responsibility, right? So you're a trauma and it's Everyone else's responsibility to heal their own right. And that's how we can, you know, flip the script here instead of your. You know I need to fix somebody. I'm. This is my fault. I need to fix Whatever this situation. We're definitely all involved, right, like I was talking about this the day, like thinking about being in a dance. Do you remember that?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm like when you're in a relationship, it's a dance, and If you're so in your head about their moves and what they're gonna do and are they gonna remember the parts?
Speaker 2:and if they know what they're doing and Like you're not really able to be in your own body or flow, you're just gonna step all over each other Exactly, it's gonna mess you up. And so, on a higher level too, like, yes, there's like the deep in the weeds part of this where we're talking about like broken Hearts and healing and trauma. But also on the higher level, you just don't get to have as much freedom to express and to be yourself in relationship when you're so Focused on what's going on in their heads and like as if you have anything to do with it, because you just don't.
Speaker 2:You have nothing to Do with it. You can't control it. So stop trying to, and when you let go of that, you have so much more freedom to just be Yourself and to move freely in this dance of a relationship and let them respond accordingly and you just it might surprise you like they might do a certain step that you can follow and you're like, wow, we're really good at this, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's um, you know, allowing somebody is like that deep, dark in the weed stuff come up is also a way of holding space and allowing for this person to process those things. Because if you're Automatically gonna jump in and be like, oh wait, but I just want to make sure that you know that I just wasn't trying to blah, blah, blah, like you're actually taking away an opportunity you had said this earlier Like you're taking an opportunity away from this person to have more awareness of themselves and You're kind of like helping them patch up that bubble.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm so it's like okay, how can I lovingly hold space for you when you're feeling triggered by me, but not allow you to feel like it's actually my fault? And because this is an interesting topic, because in some ways it can come off as like you can't give a shit what someone else thinks about you or how someone else responds to you, and it's like no, it's not that. Obviously, you need to show up in alignment with love and be compassionate, but you also cannot take responsibility of how somebody responds to your truth, because it could be taken a billion different ways, and part of that is also allowing somebody to go through a process where whatever needs to come up with them comes up for them and you don't have to take responsibility for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we're all just reflecting back to each other, ourselves and our own beliefs and our own experiences. Yeah, for sure, I like that. Yeah, when you do take responsibility for how someone else is feeling, you're robbing them of the opportunity for more resilience, exactly. And who wants to do that to the people they?
Speaker 1:love. Well, it's like kind of like that overprotection that ends up just enabling somebody to become weaker.
Speaker 2:What we kind of do sometimes is the people we love, but being more conscious of how you don't want to do that you just don't For yourself, like pawning how you're feeling off on a situation or another person is robbing yourself of an opportunity for more resilience. And, girl, you can continue to lie to yourself all you want and blame other people and say that you know they have control over my feelings. You can do it. You can give away your power, you can. We're not telling you you have to do anything. But the truth of the matter is nobody can control your feelings but you, literally nobody. So the way that you're feeling, just let that settle. I'll be like what am I feeling?
Speaker 2:Just what am I feeling right now and why? Why did that make me feel this way? And I'll tell you what the more pent up it is, the smaller the triggers will be. Like I'll tell you something for me that I've healed through several times, right, because there's deeper levels that sometimes you access. The more you get into it is this feeling of not being taken care of and whatever. And so I'm like but I have to do it all right, nobody's taking care of me. I'm doing it all, and it would get to the point where my kids would like leave their socks everywhere and I'm like nobody listens to me, nobody respects me, nobody cares about the house but me, and I have to do everything by myself.
Speaker 1:And it's like clearly with all of these socks everywhere. That's what this means Exactly.
Speaker 2:And I'm like, whoo, I can always tell when I'm about to you know about to bubble baby. I'm like, okay, we need to express. We need to express some of this, like in a healthy way.
Speaker 2:Because and realize that there's something here, right, you don't always see it clearly. You almost never see it clearly as it's happening Because you're so wrapped up in the feeling of whatever it is. So give yourself time to process that and just feel it and again witness your own feelings and recognize they're valid. What are they pointing you to? To or?
Speaker 1:Yes, they're pointing you to something. This is this reminds me of a like, an example that Rob always uses of like this is bringing up your insecurities. So like, let's say, somebody walked up to you and was like Kendra, your hair is pink. You would be like, wait, what are they talking about? My hair is totally not pink, but okay, cool. And then you'd move on right, Like that wouldn't offend you.
Speaker 2:You don't believe? It's true at all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're completely unattached to the belief that your hair is pink because you know it's not. But what if somebody walked up to you and said you know what? Sometimes I think you're kind of like really rude.
Speaker 2:I don't know yeah.
Speaker 1:And you'd be like oh my God, wait, could I sometimes be like kind of rude, like I don't know, like maybe maybe I'm not when, right, but you're not attached, like, but maybe that's showing you you're a little bit more attached to how people perceive you. Yeah, right, because it's actually making you ask questions, it's actually making you feel something, and so that's showing you. Oh, I'm feeling a certain way. This is trying to highlight something for me. Why do I have this feeling?
Speaker 1:And how can I work on it? So it's like, yeah, you're gonna notice through life, there's sometimes people are gonna say things to you and you feel nothing. There's sometimes people are gonna say things to you and you're gonna feel something. It's an indicator of where you have some reflection Right totally. And if you can even just look at it that way like, hey, this is just showing me something, it can also just kind of lighten the load. Yeah, and not feeling like, oh my God, I'm just hurt again by somebody. Like no, no, no, no, like there's a little bit of something going on that needs some attention. Let's do some reflection and we can get to the bottom of it and become stronger from it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, also, on a final note, we can give ourselves permission to be human, to not get this right all the time. Well, because we can't always get it right, right exactly. And so you know you can't necessarily gatekeep your own feelings because you're like, oh, I'm not allowed to feel this because what they did isn't you know what I mean. Yeah, it, get comfortable saying sorry for barfing your, you know your shit on someone else, because it's gonna happen, we're gonna blame other people and maybe we need that space, maybe that's a process. Seeing you know that can help you process. But, as you're hearing yourself, say it like say what you're feeling and be honest about what you're feeling and then get comfortable being like okay, I see it now how I'm blaming you for this or how, whatever, how I was, you know, fooling myself into thinking this is what was going on, and you know I apologize for making it your fault.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening whatever right Like get used to saying sorry for and just for allowing yourself to be messy, you know, and we have our safe spaces for that right. Maybe it's not the person that you're having the issue with, but don't be afraid to be the friend either, like say you know say what you're feeling, girl, let it all out Also can. I reflect something back to you. Which we do to each other a lot, you and.
Speaker 1:I.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, Can I reflect something back to you about this, and when you get to a certain point, then ask for that reflection if you're open to it. Like hey, this is how I'm feeling. I can't really see past it. Reflect back to me what you're saying here. I mean, that can be really helpful too. Oh yeah, I'm just learning these what's really going on below.
Speaker 1:Boom, exactly, I actually really love that. As a last note, because I've actually been doing that a lot lately. You have, I even sent you a voice message about something like this the other day. It's like I'm perceiving this as blank. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 2:Because there's a really good chance.
Speaker 1:there's, you know, 5,000 other angles to look at this from, and right now I'm just clouded by my own thoughts and perceptions and experiences and all of that. So, can I get your take on this?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I love that because you know, hopefully you've got some really great friends that'll just give you a good reflection, or just anybody in your life that it's so cool, because sometimes you'll get a response that you never would have expected and you're like, oh my God, I really never looked at it that way. Thank you so much, and it just opens you up to another perspective, so it'd be really cool. Yeah, good, just get out there and become powerful and resilient.
Speaker 2:Amen, fist pump to the air. All right, anything else it feels complete for me. Okay.
Speaker 1:Love you, bye. Bye. If you found any of what we shared today helpful, please share this with a friend, and we would so appreciate a rating and review to help us grow and reach more people. Also, please feel free to send us any feedback and questions. You can find us on Instagram. Kendra can be found at KendraDyerCrabb K-E-N-D-R-A-D-Y-E-R-C-R-A-B-B, and you can find myself at Lauren Penyadial, and it's L-A-U-R-E-N-P-E-N-A-D-I-A-L. Thanks so much for listening and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.