A Little Alignment
In "A Little Alignment," we pour our hearts into conscious conversations about the things we love to geek out about -- psychology, philosophy, optimal health, art, science, mysticism, spirituality, success, relationships and more.
We live for those priceless "aha" moments that have the potential to awaken creativity and curiosity, and remind you of your beauty, power, and presence.
Our intention is to help you realign with your most whole and exceptional self.
Tune in as we navigate the beautiful path to self-discovery together. 🎙️🥂
A Little Alignment
Navigating Self-Discovery Within Relationships
In a relationship, as one partner bravely charts a course towards self-improvement, the other may grapple with the pace of change. Our conversation in this episode addresses the delicate art of encouragement over expectation, and the profound beauty found in the dance of autonomy and unity.
This episode is an invitation to those yearning for a relationship that thrives alongside personal ambitions, health goals, and the relentless quest for self-improvement.
We can get really caught up in holding expectations for our partners, and that's going to get us in trouble every single time. If somebody's not ready for something, they're just not ready for it and you cannot push them, and that's going to only drive you guys apart.
Speaker 2:Welcome to A Little Alignment. If you enjoy what you hear today, if you gain some value from our episode, please leave us a good rating and review at the end. Every single review counts. It really does make a difference. We would appreciate it with all our hearts. We're so glad y'all are here with us, helping us create a little more alignment in the world.
Speaker 1:Today is something fun for us to talk about, because we get questions about this so often. It's come up at different events that we've done for work things, or I have clients who have been on a big growth journey, but their partners aren't. It's such a good question and it's something that I experienced myself and Kendra has also experienced. The fun thing is we've experienced this in two different ways, like we've been on opposite sides of the coin with this, and so this is a really cool thing for us to be able to share two different perspectives on. But basically, what we're going to be diving into is how to remain autonomous in your relationship and like navigate when one of you, let's say, is on like a really big personal growth journey or you're into something that maybe your partner just is not.
Speaker 2:Or even like a weight loss journey.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right yeah, if you or your partner is experiencing growth or development in any way and feel like you're doing it alone because your partner isn't, doesn't necessarily have the same vision right or they're just like their focus is somewhere else right now.
Speaker 1:So how do you work together but still have your own separate things going on? Yes, and that's a really great question. It is a good question. I'm going to kind of speak to mine kind of my experience. Luckily it's been interesting.
Speaker 1:So Rob and I have been together for 10 years and I would say the second half of our relationship. Luckily we've been like surprisingly and pretty close lockstep in our path together. But it was very different before the first five years we were probably not probably we were on completely different pages with like where we were in our career. Rob was already going into doing his own thing, but I was still very much like working for a company in the corporate world and like climbing that ladder and that was my focus and but he was like okay, how do I grow something on my own and get more freedom and build something sustainable, right? So like that in itself was big, but he had also been working on himself for years. So he was really really into personal development since like a pretty young age I would say he was like probably about like 18 when he was first introduced to more of like the personal development world with tony rob. Well, actually, I mean, his mom was into tony robbins back in the day.
Speaker 1:So he grew up with little he grew up with it little golden nuggets being showered right, so maybe I shouldn't even say 18, but only personally like his personal experience, where he became more interested in personal development right where he was like actively pursuing it yeah, probably like on his 18, but it was in his like field of awareness, whereas, like, if you would have asked me at any point in time before I met Rob, who Tony Robbins was, I would have been like no, like I just didn't know.
Speaker 1:Um, so he was really deep into personal development and was putting in tons of work and doing lots of cool practices, but I just felt like they weren't for me. And I think I've kind of talked about this before. But I knew Rob's story and everything he'd been through, and so it made sense to me why he was turning to certain practices and things to improve himself, because he'd been through a lot. And then I would look at myself and think, oh my God, like I hadn't experienced anything to that extent, so maybe I'm not the right fit for this. And so I kind of like avoided and I don't know if I avoided, but I just didn't think it was for me to get into personal development. It didn't click, it didn't make sense, I didn't see why I needed to do it.
Speaker 2:So this is interesting to dig into because, because there are people my, my side of the coin rate is more on the other end where I am digging into personal development, or I have been more so than my partner and I think a lot of people experience I mean, people experience both sides of this, right. So tell me, because I'm really interested to hear when Rob is like gung-ho in personal development.
Speaker 2:He's growing yeah you're around, it was it? You weren't interested in it and you had mentioned. You said a little something about um, maybe a little, I don't know if it's which, if you'd call it an insecurity but something came up there of like, oh, I just haven't had about enough to need this, or this isn't for me anyway, I'm just okay. Dig into that a little bit more. Like your experience while you were watching him grow like, was there any maybe? Uh, I'll say negative feelings?
Speaker 1:that you had about it. I don't think I had any negative feelings towards it, but I didn't. It didn't like. I guess the best way to kind of, I'm gonna try to do better. But the first thing that comes to mind for me is it just didn't click like I. I observed him and what he was doing and it felt like I saw the value in it for him. But I think what it was is I wasn't going deep into my own stuff, right. I wasn't actually taking a deeper look into myself and where I could be better. I just didn't have a whole lot of self-awareness. To be honest, I think that's probably why I cut myself off from personal development was because I hadn't dug deep enough to see the real use for it in my life. Because the second that I did then I was like oh, oh, now I see. And then it was like like all the things, yeah.
Speaker 2:So when I mean, did he ever push it on you? I mean not push it like hard, but was he ever like inviting you into it with him and you were just like I'm not really interested, or yeah, Like what was that dynamic between you two?
Speaker 1:He would like give me little tastes of it. I remember he would show me like um the Tony Robbins and I keep just talking about Tony Robbins because that's like who he really enjoyed at the beginning.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, so he would put on that documentary I'm not your guru and I would see the things happening for other people and I was like Whoa, this is mind blowing, so it would pique my interest. I was never negative around it, but I still didn't have enough self-awareness to see that I needed to do it for myself. The other thing where I feel like I might have had some resistance was in the practices that were hard. So like if Rob, you know, would say you know, I want to be really disciplined and I want to take X amount of time to read every day and I want to spend you know X amount of time working out every day and I'm going to set a goal and write like all those things that you put in place to create, you know, sustainability and like discipline, I was like, oh, that's just so much effort. I'd rather be more like flexible with it. So that's the only place where I really like kind of felt resistance was in like the taking action and what felt like at that point in time.
Speaker 1:And Rob is a pretty extreme guy, like when he wants something, he goes for it 100%. Yeah, you've seen that. Yeah, he's like go big or go home with it, everything. So I always I'm much more like the feminine flowy, like allow, and I was like, oh, that just seems so rigid and like intense and that's not how I want to be. So I started to kind of lump that sort of action in with personal development and that's what I think ended up creating a little bit of resistance in me, because I was, it just wasn't my, my jam, it wasn't how I was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the way that you wanted to live your life.
Speaker 1:Right? Well, because I think that when you take action in that way, it has to be like heavily matched with purpose and the drive to want it. Matched with purpose and the drive to want it. You know, and I was yeah, and I just didn't, I didn't have that yet because I hadn't done enough reflection and diving into myself to have a really strong why to put behind those kinds of things, to do those. So what eventually?
Speaker 2:like what did it, what pushed you over the edge, or what woke you up and and ignited that little flame within you to say wait, maybe this is for me. Yeah, and I do want to start down this path of self-discovery and self-improvement.
Speaker 1:So this is where it gets good, and this is what I always tell other people who are at that point. Where their partner was me was Lauren, who is just like not into it. And yes, rob tried to show me things. Yes, rob tried to buy me books, but he never, like you know, jammed it down my throat about like you have to do this, though, or else we're going to break up Like it was nothing wild like that, up like it was nothing wild like that.
Speaker 1:What ended up working was that he became the lighthouse. Right, I love this analogy I use it all the time the lighthouse versus the tugboat. The tugboat is trying to pull the ships in and it's just so like inefficient, whereas the lighthouse is just shining and guiding boats in being what it is. And so he became the lighthouse, and I started to see the changes in the things that he was doing and what it was creating in his life, and that was over time, and so I got to see that as an example, but also, I think one of the things that really kind of like just added fuel to the fire for me was actually doing psychedelics.
Speaker 2:Okay so, you just jumped straight in. Yeah, like I'll do that, we're just curious. Well, I've been learning about it for a few years. So what was the draw for you? Just because you know, as you're learning about it, I'm sure there's things like oh, it helps you tap into the, the subconscious and the unconscious and your hidden fears. So you're like okay, I'm sure there's some there.
Speaker 1:I mean I was curious and I saw the benefits and I mean I'm hearing about people who were really able to cope with things like PTSD and anxiety and overcome huge things by safely using psychedelics, and so I was like okay and I, but for I mean I was like okay, like years after hearing about it, because at first I was like hell, no.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That looks terrifying. I don't do that Like I've never done that. I don't do that like I've never done that. I don't think that's for me again. It was like something that I felt was really intense and I didn't feel like I don't know. I just it didn't feel aligned at first for me at all well, and, to be fair, it is really intense, right.
Speaker 2:I mean, usually people don't. I wouldn't recommend someone to start with psychedelics, but that was your journey, yeah. Yeah, that was my journey and that might be someone else's journey as well, but it's not. If I'm having a candid conversation with someone, I'm not going to say, yeah, probably just start your personal development by sitting with some ayahuasca. So, to be fair, it was really intense and and you weren't ready, everything is in divine timing, right. So that's something just to note here. If there is hesitation from the other side to honor that, just as you want to be honored, which we can get into that more but yeah, yeah, no, I didn't.
Speaker 1:I mean, as I tell the story, it sounds like you know, one day I just decided to do psychedelics. But no, that's not the way it was at all. I had heard about them, learned about them for years and years and years. Finally, what ended up kind of leaning me in the direction of doing it was that one of my best friends was killed and it was really a challenging time coping with her loss, and then also my best friends had also been hearing about psychedelics and learning about the benefits.
Speaker 1:We all decided that this would be a really good time for all of us to go together. So we went to a medically licensed facility in Costa Rica where we would be monitored literally by a medical team, and everything was legal and we felt really safe and comfortable. So, like there was a lot of intention that went into this, like I didn't just show up at some dude's place and do like a ceremony with like some shaman Right Like I, we went and made sure that we were really comfortable with everything and, again, it was a medically licensed facility. So I felt good about it and, yeah, it totally changed the trajectory of my entire life. Easily I can say that confidently? Yeah, because when I talk about the fact that I didn't have awareness around myself and that's why I kept pushing away the whole concept of me diving into personal development flipped, like I now had a lot of awareness handed to me through psychedelics, a really clear picture, very, very clear.
Speaker 2:So, yes exactly Interesting. Okay, so I am really interested to hear your perspective about what you would say rob, your partner did. Well, yeah, feel supportive, to feel like the lighthouse and maybe some things that turned you off, whether it was from rob or from other people, or that just maybe pushed you from it. You know, like the, in your experience, what, what was good, what was helpful and supportive and encouraging versus what maybe was off-putting, if there is anything?
Speaker 1:yeah, well, I mean the thing is, is that with personal development specifically right, and so that's like what we're diving into for me and where me and Rob were on different pages, but specifically with personal, I mean with a lot of things, but very much here, when you're trying to grow and work on yourself, you have to want to, like you really have to want to. You can't make somebody do it, you know, and so what I think worked well about Rob's approach was that he was showing me and giving me an example that ended up leading to me making the decision on my own when I wanted to do things to work on myself and what things I wanted to do to facilitate that process, and he would support me and give me like feedback and I mean, he's always the guy that will hold you accountable, like you, whether you want him to or not.
Speaker 2:He's gonna tell you the truth.
Speaker 1:We love him for it, yeah, so I think most of the time yes most of the time, so then that was good, right, but then most of the time it's very true, because there's the other side of it where it's like, and he really didn't do this very much and but every once in a while I was like, well, you should do this or this would be better, or whatever, and then that would create resistance, because I'm like I don't want like nobody likes being told what to do. Yeah and and and, especially like if you are trying to grow, sometimes like being overly pushy will make somebody close up and become defensive, and so there were little things that I was just like, no, I'm not ready for it, and then I would just like become defensive. So I think the best things that he did was just be an example and support me in allowing me to take my time and do things the way that I, that I wanted to do them.
Speaker 2:Letting you. It sounds like he really let you be where you were. Yes. Honored where you were, while also independently being where he was and and not needing you to meet him where he was at as far as being in the same place right you guys met each other where you were at from different parts of the path yeah, you just respected each other, being where you were right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's wild because I I've told him multiple times since then. Before I turned the corner or after I turned the corner on everything, I was like I don't know how you dealt with me because I was just so unaware of my patterns and the things that were holding me back where I could see like I don't know if I would have been as patient with somebody. So I think that's another thing is just his patience was incredible.
Speaker 2:What did he say to you when you were like how did you deal with me? He would giggle, or did he give you like actual?
Speaker 1:this is how, Lauren well, I think that he, what he says is that he was just hopeful and positive that it would shift, but he, I mean, but he also couldn't expect me to do anything, you know, and I think that's also where people get really caught. And I'm glad that you asked me this, because it's like we can get really caught up and holding expectations for our partners and that's going to get us in trouble every single time. It's like if somebody is not ready for something, they're just not ready for it and you cannot push, push them, and that's going to only drive you guys apart, you know, and so, um, yeah, and to your point, it doesn't you?
Speaker 2:nobody's going to really do what needs to be done until they really are ready and want it for themselves, right, yeah, um yeah, it is a that's a sticky spot to be in, because it's. I'm a big believer in being allowing yourself, giving yourself permission to get your hopes up.
Speaker 2:I think, that that's a beautiful thing to live your life with your hopes up, but how do you live your life with high hopes without also having high expectations, because those are two different things. That's such a good question, and so I think what you are describing to us is a good balance of a good example of that, like I was hopeful, I always wanted it, cause that's all hopes are is just acknowledging what you want, what you deeply want in your heart, and hoping that you get it and just like, yeah, I would. I hoped that it would happen and I wanted it to, and I was thought positively, but also, while accepting what truly was and accepting you where you really were Right, honoring that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and the other thing too is that Rob and I took it really slow at the beginning of our relationship. I mean, we didn't get engaged until we were like already eight years in, so there was never any rush. And I think like, if we're being honest, honest about this whole thing, he knew okay, well, if it's not meant to be, it's not going to be, you know. And so there wasn't. Luckily he didn't apply any pressure to the relationship, thinking, oh my God, like you have to be in this place by X amount of time, for whatever reason. I guess I was, you know still, you're cool enough, still cool enough to make it past.
Speaker 1:She's a babe. Things still worked, she's cleaned.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're awesome.
Speaker 1:I mean still had enough good you know attributes to carry me through. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it was like she's clean, clean.
Speaker 1:I don't know why that was. I'm glad it was, though, because I appreciate cleanliness.
Speaker 1:Yay, I'm like kendra thinks I'm clean she's clean, um for sure, but yeah like I think he real talk was like okay, well, if it's not gonna work, it's not gonna work and it's just not gonna be us, you know. So that's the reality of the situation, and if I had never turned the corner and maybe just continue to stay completely oblivious of the things that were holding me back and things that were hurting our relationship, then, no, he probably wouldn't be sitting here today yeah, he probably at some point would have outgrown you for sure, and you know what?
Speaker 1:There wouldn't have been anything wrong with that, because he would have continued on his path, which is perfectly crafted and meant for him, and I would have continued on mine and everything would have been just fine, like, obviously that's not what I want and I'm so glad that it didn't go that way, but that's just what happens sometimes you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean you would have just wanted different things at that point Exactly, it does happen. Yeah, it's so interesting. So I my experience I have had my own experience on the other end of the spectrum.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And as we were talking, I was I'm actually going to take a different approach, instead of the exact opposite, um, with personal development and things like that. I'm going to I'm going to dive more into my experience with health, because I have experienced being on the other end of the spectrum from so many people. Being the first one in my family to really um, achieve extreme levels of health is what I'll call it, or even just a physical fitness, yeah, um, and the sacrifices and the otherness, and like the separateness that I had to put myself in a position to be okay with. And then also, you know, moving into a life with a partner who didn't have the same physical goals as me fitness goals and then also raising kids who obviously are totally different in their, you know, nutrition and fitness, and anyway, this has been, this has definitely been something in my life where I've experienced being the one working towards something alone.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Even in my relationships, and this is a big thing, and I'm so glad you're going in this route too. And this is a big thing, and I'm so glad you're going in this route too, because it's hard to change what you're eating or change the time you wake up to go to the gym or say, no, I can't.
Speaker 2:Is going to be so helpful for people to hear about. Yeah, and really it. It applies to personal development too, because there's just one version of personal development.
Speaker 1:It's just the fitness side of things.
Speaker 2:But yeah, to change at all and to be willing to show up differently and and just say I'm different, different now, or I'm doing things different now. Yeah, it freaks people out sometimes and they respond differently. Everybody responds differently. But I mean when I first started um bodybuilding, even when I first started running, it was more so I think there was more of a response from other people when I started bodybuilding because it was like 24, seven, my whole lifestyle had to shift the way that I ate, when I ate, when I worked out and I had to be really committed to it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I only had a free meal once a week and it was just one. That actually was kind of fun. All my friends participated, like I had a great group of friends that were really supportive, and so we made it a whole event when I had a free meal, right, nice. But I so one thing that I feel like I did to set myself up for success here is I communicated really clearly with my inner circle exactly why I was excited about it. I mean, that was one thing, that's one thing I've always done really well. If I'm going to be honest with you all about that is I've I've been very, um, transparent about what I'm excited about and lit up about whether you want to hear it or not.
Speaker 2:I'm like I'm doing this thing and I'm so excited, and so I think being really forward and transparent and communicative with my people about why I was so excited about it automatically made them more want to be more supportive right, because they care about me and they're like, oh, she really wants to do this and again apply this in whatever change growth area that you're participating in yourself, because I think that that can be incredibly helpful to the relationship just really telling them your why and yes and why you're so excited about it, even if they don't agree.
Speaker 2:And it is hard sometimes to be forward. Be so excited to people who are like cool, who maybe don't get it Right.
Speaker 1:That's okay, it doesn't mean that you're not excited just because they're not excited said that you're bringing this in because there's um, I think there's a tendency that people will have to feel like, oh, they're not going to understand, or they're going to judge me, or they're going to think I'm weird, or my mom's going to tell me I can't do it, or whatever right, people will come up with stories around why they're not comfortable sharing why they're doing things that they're doing. But I think that there's so much possibility and more opportunity for connection when you bring the people that you love in on what it is that means so much to you, because they can become your biggest cheerleaders and advocates. And even if they don't understand the first time, you tell them the second time, you tell them the third time, fourth time. And even if they don't understand the first time, you tell them the second time, you tell them the third time, fourth, time, or want to participate?
Speaker 2:Yeah, they don't have to necessarily do it with you, right, and they might not want to.
Speaker 1:But they'll hear you, they'll have the opportunity to become excited for you. When they hear that excitement in your voice or when they see the changes in you that you've been working for, then that gives them an opportunity to be excited about it with you. So I think that this is so, so important, because it's like you're either building up a wall and it can that right there can be hurtful for the other people that maybe might feel left out, yeah, for the relationship as a whole.
Speaker 2:Like right and just know that that would be you choosing that, choosing to be hyper independent and do it alone and that's an option, but there's just another option as well yeah, to let people in on it.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad that you are very vocal about your excitement, because that will rally the troops. Yeah, so that's it.
Speaker 2:That's a really good like pro tip right there totally and, I gotta say, backtracking a little bit with the marathon stuff I just, literally on my own, was like I'm gonna run a marathon and I did it on my own the first half.
Speaker 2:Um, I think halfway through the training I was again just like chit-chatting, telling everyone what I'm up to, and I had a friend that had run one before that decided to to train with me the last half and we ran it together. So that was really fun. But I loved it so much and I just kept talking and I believed if I could do it, anyone could do it. And I had so much enthusiasm around it that by the end of my marathon running career which was like a solid four and a half five years, something like that that's a solid amount of time the last marathon that I ran I mean I have a picture of it somewhere, but there was like 12 people that we brought from Branson to Kansas City that participated either in a full or a half or a 5k and I was like this is so cool. My brother was like you know, like this is because of you, right? No, it's not, because they all did the training themselves. And that's true, they were there because of them.
Speaker 2:But that's what just being open about what you're doing and why you're doing it and how good it makes you feel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, and so being the lighthouse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a hundred percent. And to, to, just for a second, cross this over with personal development. I found myself in my current relationship being a little bit secretive because I don't want to ruffle feathers, because maybe some of the things that I believe or I'm excited about as far as my own personal development journey might, might ruffle feathers. We'll say it that way, and it has before. And so I've, you know, gotten to a point where I've historically kept a lot to myself and it does affect the relationship. It becomes very separating, you know, and isolating, right, right, right. So that's one thing. And I'll tell you the friends that I let in on the body building stuff, they were never. They never got into it, they never wanted to body build themselves. But they all came to my first show, yeah, and at first they were like this is so weird, because it kind of is, I mean, everybody's spray painted like hot dog color and there's like just lots of body, and if you're not comfortable with body then it could be kind of abrasive right.
Speaker 1:I've never heard anybody say spray painted hot dog color yeah, that one is.
Speaker 2:That's what one of my friends said. She's like they all look y'all look like hot dogs. I'm like you're right, that is it. And but by the by the time I was on stage, which was near the end, they were really um, they were able to pick up on what the judges were saying and it was just fantastic. I mean, they were good friends, right, like they were supportive without being there with me, and so I think that we can remember that there's room for that, right, it doesn't have to be like we're either doing this together or I'm doing this alone. Um, there's, it can look different, the relationship being autonomous in a relationship can. There's a lot of different ways that that can look. Yeah, that said, I did have to get comfortable being different.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right and people who weren't necessarily in our circle not being supportive, like going out to eat, and I would either not eat like if we went to a restaurant, depending on how close I was to my show, I would either not eat or I would literally bring a Tupperware of food and like dump it onto my plate or get. It was super weird Right, but those are the things. I was willing to be weird in order to get what I wanted and to grow.
Speaker 2:Sacrifices Exactly. And some people were like why would you do it Like judgmental or like, oh, come on, can you just have one by, or I could never do that you know obviously the way I'm telling it was not my favorite thing to encounter.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, go Thanks. You know, yeah, it didn't feel good, but I had to get comfortable with that right, with standing apart in a sense and not necessarily participating with everybody all the time in what they were doing, and it can't. That could feel really lonely. But what happened was I got to the show, which is the show, the race day it's. It's a different type of development because there's actually a celebration like a set in stone celebration for all of the hard work. Yeah, and, man, we gotta figure out a way to build that into the personal development system yeah interesting yeah, interesting thought experiment there.
Speaker 2:How can we celebrate our progress? But anyway, and I was backstage thinking, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be around all these starving skinny bitches. We're all gonna hate each other because we're literally here to be judged up against each other's bodies and how we look yeah, but it was the opposite experience. We were like there was an immediate kinship because we realized we've all been doing the same thing alone. You know how it feels. Yes, we understand each other on a really honest.
Speaker 2:You know, and intimately in that way, what we've been putting ourselves through and bodybuilding is not for the faint of heart. I'll tell you that right now. It was a lot of commitment and yeah day in, day out, 24, 7 commitment. So anyway, that was really cool and I've met some of my still some of my closest friends through bodybuilding, because of the caliber of person that it helps you to become, but also that you meet in the process, Cause it's not again, not for the noncommittal or whatnot.
Speaker 2:However you want to put that, yeah, I'm curious.
Speaker 1:So, being the person who is making the change and you're the one standing out and doing things differently whether it's with, you know, your friend who might be freaked out that you won't order, you know, at the restaurant and you put your food out of your Tupperware on your plate, or my mom, who's like you're too skinny, right?
Speaker 2:Or you're healthy, healthy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, somebody giving you like negative feedback, right, um, or like in your relationship, when you felt like feathers were ruffled, like in those moments because it does, you know, take a lot to stand out and be different and make those decisions. How do you like, how do you come back from that feedback from those other people? How do you like, how do you come back from that feedback from those other people? Hmm, how do you keep pushing through? You know?
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, it's a good question. I think it was different. Every every situation is different. Like there was a part of me that just realized, recognized that, um, some people just didn't understand why I was doing it, didn't understand what was actually going on, like my mom, for example. Being like this is not healthy and she's not wrong the last few weeks of something like that isn't healthy. But I had a handle on what I was doing. I knew how much time I was going to be in this deficit and that I was going to reverse out of it.
Speaker 2:So I had confidence in my own knowledge and awareness and my own presence within the process, to be able to say you're, you're right, but also not so to all, I guess. Hold space for her. And in that and ruffling feathers, I don't know if I have great advice for that, other than what not to do. I don't know if I have great advice for that, other than what not to do, because I feel like I made some mistakes. I think that I tend to when I feel hurt or unseen, which really is hurtful, when I don't feel seen or understood, because in my heart.
Speaker 2:I'm like I know that this is just something I'm so excited about, yeah, and it makes me feel so good. How can this person not see that? Yeah, yeah, you know I would tend to isolate. Just well, then I will just not share anymore, and I've seen that hurt my relationship. And and then, on the other side of it, when I allow myself to take that risk, which it really truly feels like a risk to be like, yeah, like.
Speaker 2:To just be open and honest about what I'm learning and what I'm experiencing and what I want, what I want to do and how I want to grow. Um, I actually was have been pleasantly surprised, um, because at first it can be a lot right.
Speaker 1:Change is scary.
Speaker 2:Yeah, change is scary for everyone and and I think that there's a fear that people have and I've seen this with couples in weight loss journeys and personal development journeys where the partner may not be supportive at first, but it's really coming from a place of fear, of not wanting to lose them, not wanting to grow apart.
Speaker 2:Like we're going to be different if you do that, and what if you don't love me anymore? Or what if we change away from each other. And it's a it's a valid fear, but it doesn't have to be that way to be able to recognize that they're not not supporting you likely because they just don't support you and they're just assholes. There's probably some real fear under there of and and also probably I mean it's likely they could see that they have some improvements to make that they're just not ready to, and it makes them feel insecure.
Speaker 2:What if I don't want to do that anyway? So, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, the first part is always the most difficult for you and for your relationship, right? But just continuing to be honest and authentic and talk through it needs to be talked through. It's been um a different situation, that my relationship is different when I'm open versus when I'm overly independent and go more outside of my relationship. Yeah, Right, because I've always been open with some people, like some friends.
Speaker 1:And I would find myself.
Speaker 2:If I needed, if I wanted to get excited about it, I would go talk to my friends. Yeah, so I always had an outlet, but it was not healthy for my facilitating a healthy relationship anyway yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's like it's challenging, for sure, and it's okay that it's challenging, but it sounds like it's always worth taking that leap because, surprisingly, sometimes you're met with like a much more like loving or maybe accepting response than you would have anticipated.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some people just need time, and honestly time, to see that it's not really as threatening as they might be feeling like their body might be sensing or feeling, you know, in their body, in their minds, they might be sensing danger.
Speaker 2:that doesn't actually exist and to give it time for them to see oh, this is actually like and that's again why showing your true, you know your experience, like reflecting that to them. They'll see how happy it makes you, how good you feel which a sidebar there. Sometimes that's been confusing too, because when it comes to personal development, something that I have really leaned into is embracing emotion, yeah, which I didn't used to do. I used to bottle a lot of things up.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so Doug would come home and I'd be like puffy eyes. I'm like I just cried all day today and he's like oh. So he's like why are you doing this to yourself? You know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that took some time too, but then we've had conversations where I'm feeling really emotionally stable and he's literally called it out. He's like I can see the difference in you today than a couple of years ago when we were having a similar conversation. I can tell that you're more present with me and you're hearing me better and you're more grounded, and it was really nice to hear, because you don't always get that reflection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, again, we don't have that celebration of all the hard work we've done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was one moment where he was able to see it for himself, and so, yeah, again, that's a that's more of a lighthouse situation where they see see the work coming to fruition, I suppose. Yeah, and another sidebar. I just want to say that I I also kind of chose to go the fitness route because Doug's kind of back and forth, my husband is kind of back and forth with diving into personal development and not, so I don't feel completely alone in it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But, um, I have had moments where I have, and I acknowledged that a portion of that was my own, of my own doing, because I made myself alone in the relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when it comes to that and for, to be fair that's, at first there was a lot of fear because of past experiences that both of us have had. There's a lot of fear and so the first, the initial shift was really difficult and I didn't necessarily allow the time for the healing and trust the process as well as I could have. You'll learn, you have to grow as you go, you know.
Speaker 2:So, I can look back now and see that and so grateful we have this platform so that I can tell anybody who's starting any kind of a growth journey or changing, wanting to change in any way, whether that's your religious beliefs, your fitness and your level of health and wellness, your mindset, your mindfulness, any of it. If you're met with resistance at first, don't immediately retreat into yourself or into a different relationship. Give it time, because the first part can be really threatening and scary and they may just need time. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean the thing is is like it's always going to be worth it for you to share your truth and to honor yourself in whatever your truth is Right, because we always talk about, too, like, how you can manifest sickness and disease, like within your body, whenever you trap energy and if there's something that you're really believing in, but you're trapping that energy within you and you're just not being open or honest or sharing, that's how things build up, and then it builds up within you and then it builds up within relationships, and so it's not actually doing anybody any favors whenever you, you know, retreat or hold back or divide.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, and, and it's worth it when it comes to showing up 100% honestly in your relationship. If you don't, there will always be a part of you that wonders if they really love you or if they just love the you that you've you're showing them.
Speaker 2:Yeah that you're presenting them so you have to let yourself truly be seen to know deeply that that you're chosen by your partner. Your partner wants to be with you and love you. Because I'll tell you what if you don't let yourself be seen, then that will be always in the back of your mind. Yeah, they love me, even when they say it and they show it. Yeah, they love me, but would they love me if they really knew me?
Speaker 2:yeah so it's a good uh filter. I guess that's probably a little insensitive to say about relationships, but it's kind of like you rob was like it's either going to work or it's not.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And to give it a fair chance to see if it's real or not. You have to be real.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and I think too, like the capacity for where your relationship could go when you really allow yourself to be your fullest expression and it's met with love. How freaking exciting is that and how much more deeply in love could you be? Or how much more, let's say, this is just a relationship with a friend or family member. How much more depth can there be in that relationship when you know that this person is accepting you for your complete and total fullness of the biggest and best expression of who you truly are, right Versus when you feel like you're presenting a certain version of yourself, like Kendra saying, then it's like you really have to question like, well, you know, is it only because of this or that or whatever? But on the other side of that, is this complete acceptance that can feel so good because you don't have to change who you are around them? Yeah, I saw. Edit yourself.
Speaker 2:I think I said this to you recently that, uh, I heard a quote that said the authenticity was the best. I think it was filter for friendships, because it will weed out anybody. If you're just being 100% yourself and people don't like it, then you'll just know they're not for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is totally fine, cause you're not meant to be everyone's cup of tea.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then the people who love that, then you know it's like a lighthouse in and of itself. You're like just authentic self is your own personal lighthouse.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so yeah, it's not always easy. It can be scary because you're becoming vulnerable by sharing all of the real parts of you. But especially when it comes to navigating relationships and what we're talking about with, just like navigating when you and your partner are maybe not exactly on the same page, it's still important to communicate where you are and why, so that you can give the other person the opportunity to understand, even if it's not for them. That's totally cool. You never know. You know y'all's paths could link up. It just might not be the right time yet for y'all to be on the same path, um, and maybe also, like their path supports yours indirectly and you know vice versa, like who knows? But I think it seems like kind of one of the biggest takeaways from this conversation is that you just communicate with each other and also allow the other person to be in their journey and honor them for that. And, and if it's meant to be, it will be, it will work out. If it's not, then that's okay.
Speaker 2:You'll just both continue on your own different journeys, and that's cool too yeah, I think that, um, a lot of people just assume that what they need is somebody who is on the exact same page as them, but an important question to ask is what do you? What do you really need? Do you really actually just need someone who supports you completely, whether they're on the exact same page or not, whether they are doing the exact same things as you?
Speaker 2:Because I'll tell you what I have lived with four, five different people who don't eat the same way that I do. They don't work out the same way that I do. Yeah, and it's fine. I don't need them to, right? I mean, of course there would be, it'd be easier.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, I would only have to make one meal instead of my own meal sometimes Right, yeah, so you don't need your partner to be doing the same things as you and and excited about the same things as you. In fact, sometimes having somebody who's maybe not on the same path could be really supportive to keep you like here on earth. You know, because some people get really intense and want to go all out and whatever, and having somebody to ground you in a from a different perspective can be helpful. So just remember that you don't need your partner to be doing the same things as you. What you really need is just a partner that supports you, whether they're totally right there with you or not, is just a partner that supports you, whether they're totally right there with you or not. I agree with that, and obviously the other side of that is that's what your partner needs from you is for you to support them Right, even when they're doing life different than you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I always love when people say like we're just all doing our best with what we have, or we're all doing the best that we can from where we are, you know. So it's like we're just all doing our best with what we have, or we're all doing the best that we can from where we are, you know. So it's like if you can just hold compassion and love for other people, then you can really honor their journey and wherever they are so much more deeply because it's coming from a place of love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, wayne Dyer Uncle.
Speaker 1:Wayne.
Speaker 2:I love his quote where he says see the light in others and treat them as if that is all you see.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and.
Speaker 2:I think that we can apply that to this, to our relationships in this situation when we're on maybe two different paths, can we still see the light in each other and then treat each other as if that's all we can see, because that's gonna, that's gonna build them the very most and build us the very most, and be really just lead to the best possible outcome?
Speaker 1:for show. That's beautiful. I love that. All right cheers if you found any of what we shared today helpful, please share this with a friend, and we would so appreciate a rating and review to help us grow and reach more people. Also, please feel free to send us any feedback and questions. You can find us on Instagram. Kendra can be found at Kendra Dyer Crabb, k-e-n-d-r-a-d-y-e-r-c-r-a-b-b, and you can find myself at Lauren Pena Dial, and it's L-A-U-R-E-N-P-E-N-A-D-I-A-L. Thanks so much for listening and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.