#104 This Is Why You Eat When You’re Not Hungry (And It’s NOT Willpower)

You don’t lack discipline.
 You’re just trying to solve the wrong problem.

If you:

•  eat when you’re not hungry 
•  feel out of control around food 
•  start again every Monday 
•  and keep blaming yourself 

This episode will change how you see everything.

Because the issue isn’t willpower.

It’s your nervous system.

Inside this episode, I break down:

•  why “trying harder” is actually keeping you stuck 
•  what’s really happening when “something takes over” 
•  how stress, overwhelm, and pressure drive overeating 
•  the 3 states your body cycles through (and how each one affects your behavior) 
•  why diets fail the moment life gets hard 

And most importantly…

Why this is not your fault but it is your responsibility to fix it differently.

Once you understand this, you stop fighting yourself.

And that’s when everything starts to change.

Watch my The Cravings & Fat-Burning Masterclass:  https://www.neverdietagainmethod.uk/register-podcast

Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/max.lowery/

Book a Food Freedom Breakthrough Call: https://www.neverdietagainmethod.uk/call-ig

Transcript

The Real Reason You Overeat

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Most women think they're overeating because they lack discipline, that they need more control, more consistency, more willpower. But that's not what actually is going on. Because the women I speak to, they know what they need to do. They've done the diets, they've had results before, but they still find themselves eating when they're not physically hungry. But not just that, they do things they said they wouldn't do and they feel completely out of control in the moment. So in this episode, we're gonna break down what's really driving that behavior and why trying harder is the exact thing keeping them stuck. How do you create a life that allows you to lose weight, eat the foods that you love, and sustain the results? Over the last 10 years, I've helped thousands of people do exactly that. I'm Max Lowry. I'm an author, personal trainer, and weight loss coach. In this podcast, I'm gonna share my top tips and tricks from within my one-on-one coaching program. It's my goal to give you the tools and the understanding so that you never diet again. So I speak to over 50 women every single month about their weight loss goals. These women are smart, they're successful, they're often leading teams, running businesses, and raising families. And women who on paper have their life together. But when it comes to the relationship with food and their weight, they feel completely out of control. In fact, I just had a conversation the other day with a woman who said something that I hear all the time. She said, I just don't understand what's wrong with me. And I asked her what she meant. She said, I know what I need to do. I've done all the diets, I've read all the books, I know I should be eating more protein, I know I shouldn't be snacking at night. I just can't stop myself. And then she paused and she said, It's like something takes over. I asked her to tell me what that looks like. And she said, I'll be standing in the kitchen, I've already eaten, I'm not even hungry. And there's a voice in my head saying, Don't do it. You don't need to eat. You said you wouldn't do this again, but then I just eat it anyway. And the worst part is I'm fully aware that I'm doing it. And then she said something that hit hard. She said, I feel like I can't trust myself. And this is the part that people don't talk about because from the outside, this looks like a discipline problem. It looks like a motivation problem. But inside, it feels very different. It feels like a loss of control, it feels frustrating, and it feels confusing. Because how can you be so capable in every other area of your life and then feel completely powerless around food? And what most women do at this point is they turn the blame inward. They tell themselves, I just need to try harder, I just need more discipline, I need to be more strict. So they start again with a new plan, new rules, and more pressure. And for a short period of time, that might work. They manage to hold it together, they're good, they stay in control until life happens. Work gets stressful, the children need you, you're tired, you're overwhelmed, and suddenly you're right back in the same moment. Standing in the kitchen, not hungry, telling yourself not to do it and doing it anyway. But now the guilt gets even worse because now it's not just frustration, now it's what's wrong with me. And this is where the cycle gets worse. Because the more you blame yourself, the more pressure you put on yourself, the worse this behavior becomes. And this is where you've been completely misled because everything you've been told about weight loss up until this point is focused on the surface. You've been told you just need more discipline, you just need to stay consistent, you just need to stick to the plan. And if you can't, then it must be you. And that's the message. And then you've got fad diets, cut this out, track everything, weigh everything, be perfect, all built on control, all built on pressure. And yes, you can lose weight, but only when life is easy, only when life is calm, only when you've got the energy, only when nothing is going wrong. Because the moment life gets hard, the whole system collapses. And then you blame yourself again. Even the sensible approaches, the one that talk about habits, routines, structure, eat more protein, do strength training, they're still missing the point. Because they're still focused on behavior. Change what you do, build better habits, be more consistent. But they never stop and ask, why are you doing it in the first place? Why, in that moment, when you're not hungry, when you know better, do you still eat? Because if you don't understand that, you will keep trying to fix the symptom while the real root cause stays untouched. And this is why you feel stuck, because you've been trying to solve this with logic, with rules, with discipline. When in fact, the real issue has nothing to do with any of those things. This is not a willpower problem. And until you see that, you will keep going around in the same cycle again and again and again. So if it's not willpower, what is it? This is where we need to look at your body, not just your brain, because your behavior around food is not just driven by thoughts, it's driven by your nervous system. So I'm gonna keep this very simple. There's a model that we use called polyvagal theory. You don't need to understand all the science, all the technical terms, but I'm gonna explain it. Your body is constantly shifting between different nervous system states, and each state changes how you think, how you feel, and how you behave. And at the center of this is something called the vagus nerve. And this is where it starts to make sense because the word vagus actually means wandering, because the nerve literally wanders throughout your body. It runs from your brain down through your face, your throat, your heart, your lungs, your digestive system. It's everywhere. And it's constantly sending information between your body and your brain, not the other way around. Your body is talking to your brain. And that's important because it means how you feel physically and emotionally is not a choice. It's being driven by signals coming from your body, which you are unconscious of. So what does this nerve actually control? Quite a lot. Your heart rate, your breathing, your digestion, your stress response, your immune system, your emotional regulation, your blood sugar regulation. It's basically your body's safety system. It's constantly asking one question Am I safe or am I under threat? And based on the answer to that question, it shifts your entire state. So when you feel calm, present, and in control, that's your vagus nerve working in a regulated, safe state. When you feel stressed, on edge, and overwhelmed, that's your system detecting threat. And when you feel shut down, flat and numb, that's your system trying to protect you in a different way. And here's the part most people don't understand. This system is very, very old. It existed long before the thinking brain. We're talking hundreds of million years, which means it will always override logic. So when you're standing in the kitchen and your brain is saying, don't eat, you're not hungry, but your body is stressed or dysregulated, your body will win every single time. From your nervous system's perspective, this is not about food. This is about survival. This is about regulation. This is about getting you back to a state that feels safe. So instead of asking, why can't I just stop eating? We need to start asking a different question. What state am I in when this is happening? Because once you understand that, everything starts to make sense. So let's talk about the three nervous system states. So firstly, we have the ventral vagal, which is basically feeling safe and connected. This is the state your body is trying to get back to. This is the part of your nervous system linked to safety, connection, and regulation. This is where your body feels like it can finally relax. And when you're in this state, everything works better. Not just your eating, your entire life. You feel calm but not tired. Clear, but not overthinking. Grounded, not rushed, present, not distracted. There's a sense of ease. You're not forcing yourself throughout the day. You're just in it. You're present. And your thinking changes completely here. It slows down, it becomes more balanced, more rational, more compassionate. Your thoughts sound like, I've got this, I can handle that later. That's enough for now. I don't need to rush. There's no urgency, no pressure, no panic. And it impacts how you show up everywhere. At work, you're more focused, you make better decisions, you're productive without burning out. You're not constantly jumping between tasks and you can actually finish things. In your relationships, you're patient, you're more present, you're more connected, you listen better, you don't snap as quickly and you feel like yourself. Your energy is stable, you're not wired and tired, you don't need constant stimulation, you don't feel like you're running on empty. And in your body, your digestion works properly, your breathing is slower and deeper, your heart rate is steady, your body feels safe. And when your body feels safe, it doesn't need to seek relief or hold on to fat stores. So your relationship with food becomes simple. You can eat and stop. You don't feel pulled towards the cupboard, you don't obsess about what's next, you don't need to finish everything on your plate, you don't need something sweet after every meal. Your thoughts around food sound like I'm satisfied, I'll eat later if I'm hungry, I don't really need that. There's no internal argument, no back and forth, no, I shouldn't, but I will anyway. All that noise disappears. And this is really important because most people are trying to create this behavior whilst living in a completely different state. They're trying to be calm with food whilst their body feels under threat. They're trying to be better in control of their food while their system is dysregulated. And then when they can't do it, they blame themselves when this doesn't work. In this state, ventral vagal, safe and connected, this is where consistency becomes easy. This is where discipline feels natural. This is where food stops being a constant battle, and this is what your body is trying to get back to. And the second state, most of you probably would have heard of, which is sympathetic fight or flight. This is where most of the clients I work with are living. Not occasionally, but all day, every day. And to be honest, this is where I often spend quite a lot of time, and I've had to really work on myself for this. This is where your body is detecting threat. And the important thing to understand is this it doesn't have to be a physical threat. It's deadlines at work, constant emails, kids needing you all day, lack of sleep, trying to do everything perfectly. But also the way that you speak to yourself. I need to do better. I've messed up again. Why can't I get this right? I'm behind. What's wrong with me? Your body does not separate these. It reads all of these as pressure and danger and threats. So what happens? The system speeds up. You feel a tight chest, shallow breathing, tension in your shoulders, restlessness, that wired feeling. Even when you're doing nothing and trying to rest and relax, you cannot fully relax. Even when you sit down, you still feel on. And in your mind, everything becomes urgent, everything feels important. Your thoughts speed up, they become more reactive, less logical, more emotional. You say things like, I need something now, I can't deal with this, I deserve a break. It'll just have to be something I start again tomorrow. It doesn't matter right now. You're not thinking long term, you're thinking about relief. At work, you like to be very busy but not effective, jumping between tasks, struggling to focus. You feel behind even when you're not. In relationships, you're more reactive, more irritable, you snap quicker, you have less patience, you feel like you have less capacity. Your energy is wired but tired. You rely on coffee, sugar, and constant stimulation. You're pushing through the day. In your relationship with food, well, your body is looking for relief. In this state, you don't want a balanced meal and to enjoy it slowly. You want something that changes how you feel quickly. So you start craving sugar, crisps, chocolate, snacks, anything high reward, anything that gives you a shift. And when you eat it, it works for a moment. You feel calmer, you feel better, the edge comes off. So your body learns this works. It also impacts your behavior. You eat faster, you eat more, you don't really taste it. You're already thinking about the next meal. And this is the key point. This is not a calm, conscious decision. This is not you sitting there thinking, I've weighed up the pros and cons. I'll go ahead and eat this. This is a reaction, a fast, automatic response from a nervous system that is trying to protect you. So when you say, I don't know why I did it, that's actually true because you didn't do it from a calm, logical state. You did it from a stressed, reactive one. And trying to control this state with discipline, with rules, with restriction is like trying to put out a fire by shouting at it. It doesn't work because you're trying to address the behavior instead of the state that's driving it. So here's where it gets really important because once you start to understand this, you can stop blaming yourself. These systems were designed to keep you alive. Your nervous system evolved for physical threats. Think thousands of years ago, you're being chased, you're in danger, your body goes into fight or flight, your heart rate increases, your focus sharpens, your body prepares to survive. And then the threat passes. You're safe again, and your system calms back down. The stress is short, it has a clear end. But today the threats look very different. And this is where the problem starts. Because the women I speak to, they're not dealing with one stress, they're dealing with layers. They're being pulled in every direction. They've got demanding jobs, constant emails, deadlines, pressure to perform. They've got children needing them, a partner, a home to run. And for many, they've got elderly parents, more responsibilities, and more emotional load. And that alone is enough to keep your system switched on. But then we layer something else on top, something even more constant. And that's the way they speak to themselves. I need to lose weight. I hate how I look. I've let myself go. I need to get back in control. Why can't I just stick to something? This voice doesn't switch off. It follows you everywhere. So now it's not just external pressure, it's internal pressure as well. And then you try and lose weight. So you start a diet, you restrict, you cut things out, you try and be perfect. And for a few days, you hold it together. But what you're actually doing is adding more stress to an already stressed system. Women over the age of 40 are more sensitive to physical stress. Restriction and deprivation and dieting adds stress onto your already stressed system. So now your body's dealing with external stress, internal pressure, and physical restriction and hunger. And this is a recipe for disaster because your nervous system doesn't know the difference between a physical threat, a work deadline, your child screaming, an argument, looking in the mirror and criticizing yourself, or starving yourself on a restrictive diet. It all gets processed the same way as a threat. And the problem is these threats don't switch off. They're constant, day after day, week after week. So instead of short bursts of stress, you live in it. Your baseline becomes busy, pressured, on edge. And your body is constantly trying to regulate itself. It's trying to bring you back to safety, trying to calm things down. And one of the fastest and most effective ways it knows how to do that is with food. Because food works, it changes your state, it gives you relief, it slows things down, even if just for a moment. It takes the edge off stress. And that's why it feels so hard to stop. Because it's not just about eating, it's about what that food does for you. So when you find yourself eating when you're not hungry, this is not you being weak. It's not you lacking discipline. This is your body saying, I need relief, I need safety, I need to feel better. And food for many people happens to be the quickest way to get there. And there's big problems to staying in this state for too long. There are consequences. And it's not just with food. It can impact everything because your body is not designed to live in constant stress. It's designed for short bursts, not a lifestyle. So what happens? Slowly, over time, things start to break down. Your mood, you become more reactive. Small things feel big, you snap quicker, you feel more on edge. There's a constant underlying tension. You feel anxious even when nothing is actually wrong. And then you beat yourself up for that as well. Your energy, you feel tired, but you can't switch off. You wake up already feeling behind. Your thinking is where things really start to spiral. You become more negative, more critical, more extreme. You start thinking, I've ruined it. I always do this, I'll never change. What's the point? The more you think like this, the more stress you create. So the cycle feeds itself. When it comes to your physical health, it's not just in your head. Your digestion slows down, you feel bloated, uncomfortable, food doesn't sit well, your blood sugar becomes unstable, you get spikes and then crashes, which ultimately drives more cravings, more hunger, and more need for quick energy. There's also a whole host of evidence to suggest that living in fight or flight state, being constantly stressed, has a fundamental impact on your long-term health. And when it comes to weight loss, weight loss becomes harder. Not just because you're eating more, but because your body does not feel safe. And when your body doesn't feel safe, it will resist change. It will hold on. It will prioritize survival over fat loss. So now you're trying to force weight loss in a system that is working against you. You're restricting food, adding more pressure, being harder on yourself, which just increases the stress. And this is why it feels like a battle, because it is. And here's the part that most people don't understand. Your system cannot stay in a high stress state forever. Eventually it burns out. And when it does, it shifts into something else. Not fight or flight, but shut down. And this is what we call dorsal vagal. This is the freeze or disassociation response. And this is where things feel very different. Less urgency, but also less care. And this is something I have personally dealt with. I didn't realize that I was in a state of constant stress. Really quick one for me, guys. I don't run ads on this podcast, and I do aim to give you as many high-value tips and tricks as I can for free. All I ask in return is that you help me spread the word. That way I can help as many people as I can to never die again. The way to do that is to rate, review, and share this podcast. A review will only take 30 seconds, but it would mean the world to me, but more importantly, it could help change the life of someone else. I didn't realize that I had these thoughts, which were essentially putting me in a state of constant urgency. Everything had to be done quickly. I would put these arbitrary time limits on things that had to be done. I was putting a ton of pressure on myself. And this happened at work, but it also happened when we were renovating a house. I then had a death in the family. My grandfather passed away, who I was very close with. And essentially I had a complete breakdown and dealt with something called derealization, depersonalization, panic attacks. All these things I had never experienced before. I'd never had any issues with mental health. And when people explained these kinds of things to me, I just couldn't relate. I did not understand. But then this happened to me. And I went through a journey of therapy and mindfulness and understanding the nervous system and understanding what led to that situation. And I realized I was in a constant state of fight or flight. And this impacted my mood, my mental health, my happiness, my relationships. It caused me a lot of problems. But now I have that awareness. And this is ultimately why I'm talking about this today. And this is why we incorporate this with our clients, because I see the women that we work with are very much stuck in that fight or flight response. Then we have the third state, which is called dorsal vagal. And this is where things change again because your body can't stay in that high stress fight or flight state forever. It's too exhausting. So eventually it downshifts. And this is what we call dorsal vagal, the freeze response. And this feels very different, not intense, not urgent, flat. It feels heavy, sluggish, low energy, and hard to get going. Everything feels like effort, even simple things. You can feel disconnected from yourself, from your goals, from your motivation, from the drive you had before. It's all gone. Your thoughts aren't urgent anymore. They're passive, almost defeated. You start thinking, what's the point? I don't care anymore. I'll deal with it later. It doesn't really matter. I've already messed it up anyway. And this is where people get confused because in fight or flight, you feel out of control. But here you feel like you've given up. And this can lead to procrastination, struggling to focus, doing the bare minimum, even though you're capable of doing more. In relationships, you can withdraw, you're less present, less engaged, you might avoid conversations, avoid social situations, and you just don't have the energy. You feel drained, tired, flat, like you've got nothing less to give. And food can play a big role here again, because it's not about urgency or relief. It's often about escape. This is where you can eat without thinking, sit on the sofa and snack, pick up food all evening, etc. And you're not even fully aware of it. You're zoned out, distracted, scrolling, watches something, and you keep going, even when a part of you knows you actually don't want to. Because in this state, you're not connected to your body. You're not checking in, you're not present, you're just going through the motion. So let's step back for a second. Because as you've been listening to this and thinking, this is me, then this is the part I really want you to hear. The situation you're in is not your fault. You have not failed. You are not broken. You do not lack discipline. You've just been trying to solve this with the wrong tools. You've been told all you need to do is eat less. You just need to try harder, be more consistent, have more willpower. But no one has explained to you what's actually happening inside your body. No one has shown you that your behavior is being driven by your state. So of course it feels hard. Of course, it feels like a battle because you've been trying to override a system. And that system is designed to keep you alive. It's over 500 million years old. The system will always win. So if you've been stuck in this cycle, eating when you're not hungry, starting again, beating yourself up, this is not a personal failure. This is a predictable outcome of a dysregulated nervous system. So although it's not your fault, I am going to challenge you here. It is your responsibility to do something different. Because no one else is going to fix this for you. No diet is going to fix this. No plan, no app, no quick fix is going to solve this. Because the problem isn't food. The food is the symptom of the problem. The real problem is the state that you're in when you're making these decisions. And until you take responsibility for that, nothing changes. Changes. And that doesn't mean blame. It doesn't mean pressure. It means ownership. It means stepping out of what's wrong with me and stepping into what's actually going on here. What can I do differently? Because once you see this clearly, you've got two choices. You can keep doing what you've always done, more rules, more restriction, more pressure, and stay stuck in the same cycle. Or you can start addressing the real problem. You can start learning what state you're in, what triggers it, how to regulate it. You can start creating a body and another system that actually feels safe. Because when your body feels safe, you don't need to fight yourself anymore. You don't need to rely on discipline to get through the day. You don't need to constantly start again. The behavior starts to change because the state driving it has changed. And this is the shift. Weight loss is not just about what you eat, it's about the state your body is in every single day. And this is just one piece of the puzzle. This is one of the core things we work on with our clients. Not just what they eat, but why they eat in the first place. Because when you address the root cause, everything changes. You're not fighting yourself anymore. You're not relying on willpower. You're not constantly starting again. And that's why we get the results that we do. You know, you can go and listen to this podcast. I think there's around 30 one-on-one conversations with our clients at the moment. Because we're not just giving you another plan, we're helping you understand the root causes and the patterns, how to regulate your nervous system, how to feel in control around food again. So over the next few weeks, I'm going to start breaking down this even further. I'm going to show you simple, practical ways you can start to regulate your nervous system and take back control. But if you're listening to this right now and you know this is you, and you're at the point where you're ready to be honest with yourself that doing this on your own is not working, then don't wait. Because the longer you stay in this cycle, the harder it becomes. If you want help, if you want support, if you want a clear plan that actually addresses the root cause, then book in for a food freedom breakthrough call. We'll talk you through exactly what's going on for you, what's been keeping you stuck, what are your root causes, what needs to change. And if we can help you, I'll explain exactly what that looks like. Just click that link below. I'll see you on the next one.