Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40
Spicy Midlife Women is the ultimate podcast for women over 40 who are rewriting the rules of midlife, breaking free from relationship drama, and leaving toxic patterns behind.
It’s all about embracing authenticity, building meaningful connections, and living unapologetically through candid conversations, hard-earned wisdom, and raw truth.
Hosted by Jules and Michele, two midlife women with real stories and no-BS advice, the Spicy MidLife Women Podcast will guide you in redefining relationships, breaking free from what's holding you back, and reclaiming your power—one episode at a time!
Prepare to get clear on what you really want in your relationships—whether it’s romance, family, or friendships, let go of past baggage and open yourself up to the possibility of fresh, exciting connections.
You’ll also gain the wisdom and confidence to approach dating and relationships with confidence and zero judgment, and feel empowered to ditch outdated expectations, creating a life that truly feels good on your own terms.
Plus, find a supportive sisterhood along the way—because you don’t have to do this alone!
Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40
12. Redefining Romantic Relationships after Divorce
In this episode, Jules and Michele dive into what it really takes to navigate romance after divorce. From rediscovering your identity to avoiding old toxic cycles, they share the messy, beautiful, and often surprising truths about dating in midlife.
They open up about their own post-divorce journeys—the survival years, the transition into thriving solo, and the importance of self-love before jumping into a new relationship. You’ll hear real talk on compatibility vs. codependency, making peace with your past, and why taking time for yourself is not just healthy...it’s essential.
Whether you’re fresh out of a relationship, curious about dating again, or just here for the sisterhood, this episode offers perspective, laughter, and a reminder that you’re not alone.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- Why the dating world feels so different after a long-term marriage
- The emotional phases women often go through post-divorce
- How to avoid slipping back into old toxic relationship patterns
- The difference between surviving single and thriving solo
- Why compatibility matters more than codependency
- The role self-love plays in building future healthy relationships
- Making peace with your past before opening your heart again
Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!
Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.
Hey everyone, it's Jules and Michelle, and we are here, your two spicy midlife women from the Pacific Northwest, seattle, washington, sharing our real-life stories and having no-BS conversations with each other, but mostly with all of you, Right, michelle?
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely. That's 100% right here. To help all you midlife women redefine relationships, ditch toxic cycles and reclaim your power. One episode at a time. Let's get into it, jules. What are we going to be conversating about today?
Speaker 1:Conversating. Yeah, all right, we are conversating. So this is a good one, because it's something that I have kind of near and dear to my heart. But we're going to talk about redefining romantic relationships after divorce, because it's something that people don't really think about too much. They just go OK, I'm tired, it's time to go out there and see what's, what's out there and what I you know who might be there that might be compatible with me, if in fact that's even what they're wanting to do might be there that might be compatible with me, if in fact that's even what they're wanting to do. But nobody really thinks about what you need to do in advance of that, whether it be kind of determining what your standards are, your expectations, some of the things we've talked about, and how not to get back into those toxic cycles that you might have been in before when you were married and you don't want to just like have Groundhog's Day and redo everything.
Speaker 2:Or even after you were married. Yeah, like, even if you've gone through some of this already, you know just some of the stuff we want to talk about.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I can speak from my own experience that not having zero understanding of really what the dating world was like after being married for a really long time. So I'm sure a lot of women out there can identify with that and thinking no big deal, I got this. This is not a big deal, right? It's a lot bigger deal than I thought it was, because you're on a mission, you're like starting this whole new venture.
Speaker 2:It's been this very intentional decision that you've made to move on in your life and, honestly, I just am remembering for me, when you actually move through all of that, all the highs and the lows and the dynamics and the drama and everything that is surrounding that time, and then you're like I was kind of lost. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:Quite honestly. Well, you think you know what you're doing but you really don't yeah right, and I think going into that I mean for all you women out there who are recently out of relationships or out of relationships and haven't quite figured out what your next step is, if it's even to go back into a relationship. You know, depending upon where you're at in your life, and you know whether that's even something that's important to you, and we'll talk about that a little bit later.
Speaker 1:Just a conversation I had with somebody that was very poignant, it was interesting for me to hear what she had to say, but for myself it was like I was just thinking no big deal. I mean, I think I'm a relationship person, or at least I thought I was a relationship person, and so I just thought it would be easy to be out there, and what I found was that I wasn't necessarily. Well, first of all, a lot of the dating and stuff these days is through the online channels and you meet someone in person, like you used to not as nearly as often, I think, as one might think and there's ways to go about doing that which we can talk about as well. But I came to realize that I just really had a shitty picker, a shitty picker.
Speaker 1:A shitty picker think is good. But then I kind of got to the point where I was like, okay, clearly I am not picking like people that are individuals that I would even be interested in long term. So then I just decided I was going to have fun.
Speaker 2:I think, looking, looking back, for me it's almost like I recognize kind of the phases now, but it took me longer then to realize what those were. So, first and foremost, recognizing who I was without what I had been doing for so long in my marriage, yeah Right.
Speaker 1:You mean the habits that you had developed were more survival habits in marriage? Well, yeah, in marriage.
Speaker 2:And then you know when, when that's over with and you're moving through and you're divorced and you're on your own, it's like OK, now I have to navigate.
Speaker 1:in a way, it's like this identity loss right, and even if it wasn't a even, it wasn't something that you felt really great about 100.
Speaker 2:yeah, that's who you were for the. For me it was, you know, 26 years and uh, it's. It's this rediscovery and reconnection with really what your desires are. Okay, so I knew this wasn't what needed to be for my life. And you intentionally go through all the dynamics are different for everybody, but you go through this whole process and make the decision to move on in life and then it's like, okay, I did this, now what? Now, what do I do Now? What do I do?
Speaker 1:But, Michelle, to your point, the first time you were going through all of this meaning hadn't been married, you were just dating or whatever. You were just young, we were both young, yeah, I mean now women, I think, are waiting a little while longer to really kind of get into relationships that are quote committed relationships or marriages. But the person that you were when you were 21, is a very the experiences to refer back to.
Speaker 1:In some respects, I mean obviously from your marriage. There are going to be good times, otherwise why would you get married right? But you know, you don't. You just know what you, you don't know what you don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like this whole new chapter Right and moving on and kind of grieving the loss of of all of those years and and the person that I was and still am I'm still a mom, you know. It's not like that identity goes away, it's just different.
Speaker 1:Well, do you feel like during the course of a very long relationship, you have, like you said, kind of lost your identity? And this is something that I think a lot of women can identify with, because everything that we do we don't put ourselves really first. If you've got a family or you've got career, you've got all that stuff, we've got that whole mindset that we got it, we can handle it, we're strong, you know we will be there for everybody else, but then there's really not a lot left. And so then, all of a sudden, you've got the time, you know, to really reflect on that and evaluate what is it that I want? And you don't even have an answer for yourself. You just know it's not what you had. You know, you know you want it to be better. You know that the feeling that you had, you know, is what you don't want to continue to experience. You want to get into something that is going to be more fulfilling.
Speaker 2:Well, and before you even do that, I think, then comes this period of a self-romance, right yeah? And learning how to thrive solo, not necessarily just surviving as single. I was surviving married and that whole thing for a long time, yeah. And now here I am, whole new set of circumstances and that difference. Looking back, I can see that there is a difference between what it means to thrive solo or just surviving single, because I was surviving single for probably three years after I decided to, you know, move on and and so when you say surviving single, do you mean you were just trying to like not the single part, but just trying to navigate, being independent, just navigating, being a single mom because I had kids, navigating, you know, that work-life balance with new things I had to I didn't have another person to you know somewhat count on, if you will, and figuring it all out on my own.
Speaker 2:That's kind of the survival part, right. But then there comes the thriving, and that didn't come until I was, you know, getting through the survival part for a couple of years and then I found that I was kind of getting a grips on what it was. It's not perfect, but I was figuring things out, still surviving. But then there's this thriving piece and that's really when you start identifying who you are and the wants, needs and desires that you have for yourself and really creating joy and the consistency of rituals, even if you will, of what self-love is, and that whole discovery and starting to rewrite your own personal love story from the inside out.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, no, that makes complete sense, but it doesn't come right away. No, how could it? No, how could it?
Speaker 1:Because you don't necessarily know, I mean, I think, going into the whole idea of singlehood, like you were saying, being single, having a child, like you had more than one child to deal with, I had one that was, you know, a teenager which is probably, you know, one of the worst times, and they you don't realize how much everything is affecting them just as much as if not more is affecting you because they're not really involved in some of the conversations that are around things no-transcript, and so you know, jumping into that was very naive for me, I think, Like I thought I knew what I was doing but really I had no business getting into a serious relationship and I didn't I didn't really even date, and so I just go back to some of that stuff.
Speaker 2:I was just talking about really creating a self-love, you know, and understanding what it is to create joy for yourself and starting to tap into that from the inside out. I think really, until you do that, you know, going into what would be, I guess, a healthy relationship after a divorce, I just think it takes some time yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, and do you think you can go right into a healthy relationship?
Speaker 2:I don't. I personally don't think so, not a healthy one right away. This is just me, my own perception, my opinion. I think you've got to take time for yourself, coming out of something like that and really come to identify some of those key things within, before you can just step in and think that everything's going to be groovy going forward with an amicable divorce, even when a situation where there aren't any kids you know, where you are just parting ways, there's still this you give yourself time.
Speaker 1:I know there's this feeling of loss even though it's what you wanted, even though it wasn't maybe good when you ended up. There's still this feeling of loss, and to me it seems very difficult to kind of set that aside so easily.
Speaker 2:There's so many things that are really unresolved, and it's not Even when it's hard, where there's all those dynamics. Whether it's amicable or not, there is, I believe, going to be a sense of loss, that feeling, and yet it's really going to be something you have to move through and get over and come to an understanding before you can put time and energy until you're whole kind of you know Well, and you can go into things and not be whole and you don't even know it. You know Sure sure.
Speaker 1:Let me ask you a question. This has kind of come up recently where I was talking just different people, nothing specific. But I've noticed, and I don't know if this is a female thing or a male thing, you know, predominantly a male thing. But I've noticed, and I don't know if this is a female thing or a male thing, you know predominantly a male thing. But I've noticed, with men in particular, that they have difficulty being alone, at least, and that's a general statement. I get it. Not every man is like that. I think women are like that too. I think that's just. But I mean to the point of where I mean I've really noticed it. It's kind of like they've moved on so fast because they really can't be alone, and it's like really, I mean it's like how are you supposed to even be in present with someone when you're still grieving divorce? That's where you know, I think focusing more on compatibility.
Speaker 2:I think what you're talking about, jules, is codependency. That's where you know they've lived their whole life to become dependent on that other person and they don't really know what to do without them. So I mean men and women. That's why I say, ladies, you know, really taking time for yourself and not jumping right into something I think is super important after a divorce, yeah.
Speaker 1:So there's that whole period of time, too, where you're reflecting and you're trying to determine what your next steps are. But you know girls got needs. So then what do you do?
Speaker 1:Well that's where friends with benefits comes in, you guys, and that's a whole nother topic to chat about. But anyway, I thought about that a lot because I'm like it's so easy. I, I see I had this one girl one time tell me that she was a serial monogamist, like she would be in these relationships, and she was, oh my gosh, I'm so in love and I'm, and then they break up and they hated each other. Literally a week later, moving on, she'd be in another relationship, yeah, and I'd be like you just were with so-and-so. Well, I mean, I'm a serial monogamous.
Speaker 2:You know We've talked about these things in the past and you know exploring yourself, and there is self-satisfaction and there are ways of you know Michelle's talking about masturbation, just so you guys know there are ways of you know, michelle's talking about masturbation, just so you guys know, there are ways of taking care of those needs. You know, even when you're in a relationship I'm just saying, though, it doesn't always have to be with somebody else, no, so?
Speaker 1:That is true. You know yeah because there's all the other. Nobody does it better than yourself. I'm just saying, and there's so many other things that correspond with letting someone else get that close, physically close to you, not necessarily mentally close to you, but physically close to you Because there's a whole thing about where the heck has that person been and is this really what I want?
Speaker 1:And do I feel good about this? And you know, everybody's a little bit different and some people are okay with it, some people aren't. I mean, I've dabbled in all of that stuff just because it's more I'm more curious than anything else, and it's fun. But you just have to understand that you you're not in a position where you're catching feelings for any of these people. They're just like you know, someone that you're going to play with.
Speaker 2:I mean, I love what we just said a few minutes ago and I think redefining a relationship after a divorce is really based around the compatibility versus the codependency. And that's where that time for take take time for yourself and really come to recognize what brings you joy those kinds of things that we've been talking about I think are really important in regard to redefining and coming to know yourself in those ways are going to make a difference with what you do in a relationship going forward. It might take you longer.
Speaker 1:Well, and it's not about whether you're a confident woman or not.
Speaker 2:Not at all. It has nothing to do with confidence.
Speaker 1:No, Because you might be a very confident woman. That could actually be a detriment in some ways, because you think kind of like I did, like I've got this, this is no big deal you know when I'm ready, when I want to, it'll be fine, and it really was not at all what I had anticipated.
Speaker 2:Because you have different expectations, yeah, and things in mind that you know you don't want to do again yeah and again no, we're not throwing shade to our ex-husbands or anything like that, but these are just things for me that I came to know through the process Right, this identifying who I really was, and it's really a beautiful thing and once you do that and and you know it's always a journey, but it definitely makes it a more enjoyable journey. It kind of when you have those, those standards, which I know we just talked about in a recent episode. We do have those standards. Within that, you know, matter, you know that you're not going to- they matter to you.
Speaker 1:They might not matter to other people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I mean, for who else? What does it matter? Who else they matter to? Yeah, you know. So, mattering to yourself, ladies, that I mean that's, that's the most important thing.
Speaker 1:So I think sometimes the jumping into things is also a form of validation. You know that someone needs that type of validation. Maybe that's the type of relationship that they had had with their ex. It's kind of how it got started. Who knows? I mean, all of you guys out there, you know exactly what I'm talking about, you know what you've tolerated, you know what you've put up with and you know, of course you're not angels either. We're not all. It takes two right To make a relationship work or to fail. So I'm not blaming the men on all of this stuff, of course. But you know we have to kind of define and own whatever our contribution was and make the steps or take the steps to do it differently in the future so we don't repeat the same toxic cycles like we've been discussing.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think, too, part of that is making peace with your past. Yeah, whatever that, whatever that is, every situation is different and that takes time as well. It does take time, you. So, before you can move move on into your future, making peace with your past, being able to let go and move on, I think that's really key.
Speaker 1:Have you found that it's has taken you like? Just think of your own circumstances so we can share this. It's like has it taken you time to get through things that you have felt resentful about, or have you, I mean, did you ever get through things that you felt resentful about, or did you let them just let them go? You know?
Speaker 2:what Letting it go is what helped me to do that, because there's no other way. There was no other way for me but to let it go, because so it's forgive, not forget Forgiving. Yeah, you just gotta forgive. Let it go whatever it is, and I'm sure it was the same for my ex-husband. Forgiving, letting go whatever it is, it goes both ways. But for me I can only speak to that. That's what I had to do, and because there's stuff I could have held resentment, I could still hold resentment for I that's what I had to do, and because there's stuff I could have held resentment, I could still hold resentment for.
Speaker 1:I think that's what that's what eats people, but it doesn't it does not do me any good.
Speaker 2:It weighs heavy and honestly just makes you older than you need to be. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Really I think that's been. That was a really hard thing for me.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's taken time to really have that shift in my mindset. Not that I think the resentment came from a lot of things that I maybe was harboring, you know, while I was married, because I wasn't dealing with them, I was just letting them build up and build up and build up, if you think about that, and then certainly something is going to happen where everything's going to come tumbling down. If you don't deal with those kinds of feelings, then they will carry on into other places where you may have resentment for different things with another person or the same type of things.
Speaker 1:You know, if you don't allow yourself to deal with, it.
Speaker 2:We talked about that a couple episodes ago too. Right, that baggage, that is. The last thing you want to do is bring it into a new relationship. So until you can let that go and find joy within yourself, really, Well, let's stop there for a second, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, because I agree with you about Is there a but? I agree about letting things go, but I also think that it's unrealistic to think that you're not going to take whatever it is that you've learned and it's sitting in the back of your mind, so maybe you've let it go, but have you really let it go, if you're like watching for that in other people? Or in other circumstances to protect yourself.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, here we go.
Speaker 2:This could be a whole other episode, because that's where communication comes in and you can share those things once you do start to move through, become a little more confident in yourself, finding that joy and really spending time intentionally with who you are, who you're becoming, which will be different, coming out of that Right, which will be different.
Speaker 2:Coming out of that Right and bringing you know when you do start to get into another relationship. Then it's the communication piece with some of those things, because, yes, of course it will matter the way you might respond to different things, the way you could have let them go with this other person, but there is still those things that come to fruition as you deal with situations in a new relationship. So, the communication that you have based around, maybe, what a reaction has come from I mean, I experienced that recently with the relationship that I'm in now the way I responded to something and I really had to explain myself, you know, based on I'm used to just taking care of things and what I have to do, and I do it scrappily and it's the survival thing that I do and recognizing that it doesn't have to be that way because I have this person now that loves me and is willing to help with things and take care of, and that's hard for me because of where I came from.
Speaker 1:Because you're like, really, are you really taking care of me? Is he really taking?
Speaker 2:care of me. Sure Like being able to communicate that with what you got going on, and then you put it on the table and it's like OK, I see that, I recognize it, I understand it, and here's where we are. So, you know there's all different facets, but yeah.
Speaker 1:Why do you think that community is so important for us? As we have gone through some of this and, you know, experienced relationships and things like that, like having I can say for myself, it's like having my very close friends to hear me rant or you know, just let me download on and not judge me was really, really important.
Speaker 2:I think that you know I mean, we're midlife women. That's who we are and having a community of people that understand what we're going through, because people are going through it and you don't even know. So being able to have people that you can lean on that have gone through or understand what they're going through because they've been through it already, or they may be planning to go through it, or, you know, they see what's going on with you.
Speaker 2:Haven't even made those steps forward yet. Just being able to have that support and somewhere where you can talk through and ask questions and things like that. I mean, I did not have that and so navigating a lot of that myself. That's why I can look back and go. Oh, you know, I kind of did a lot of this stuff and it took me a lot longer, probably than when you have a supported community of of women that are there to help help you go through that right.
Speaker 1:I mean, I had obviously had mary, and she was very close to me but there there's a. There's a balance between having somebody to help you walk through things and then just continuing to talk about the same thing over and over again and not doing anything about it. Yeah, that was me Like venting you know, yeah.
Speaker 1:So there's that period of time where you're like am I saying too much? Am I talking too much about what's going on? Am I not making any solutions? Because I start, I mean, I hear people sometimes and they're and I'm the sounding board, right, and this isn't just women, but men too, just friends or whatever, but it's like they're complaining, they're upset, they're angry, and it's like my first inclination is to try and help them find a solution. And that's not necessarily what they're wanting right?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's, and so you have to define what is it that you want from you? Know, bending your friend's ear Is it just a friendly you know someone to give you encouragement and to let you know you're on the right path? Or are you asking someone to help you solve your problems? You know, and I think that sometimes we will solve our problems just by sheer conversation with people and learning about what other people are doing.
Speaker 1:It helps us formulate, maybe, our opinion or our direction. And it's not to say that you're going to copy someone else's decision making or path or process or anything like that. It's just trying to figure out what works for you. And so, anyway, I say all that to say it's like is there a period of time where you just become kind of silent when you're making decisions?
Speaker 2:I think so. Yeah, there was for me. Yeah, different for everybody, but I think there was for me for all the reasons you just talked about. Yeah, I found myself talking about it and talking about it and I was like, girlfriend, you gotta shit or get off the pot, that's exactly. Quit talking about it. Yeah, make some decisions, but's scary. And then I kind of went within. I started making those decisions when I decided to divorce and move on and yeah, so, and again, I think a good chunk of time redefining who you are coming to recognize things about yourself, looking for that joy and what really brings that to you, is really going to help to redefine any relationships that you have going forward and what you bring into that because of the stability that you have created within your own self since that time if that makes sense, it makes actually pretty darn good sense.
Speaker 1:Pretty good darn sense. Pretty good darn sense. Pretty good darn sense.
Speaker 2:And the sisterhood and community. We've got that for you here, ladies. You know spicy midlife women. We're just trying to share our own experiences with any of you out there that are going through it now. Yeah, and maybe just with anything that we do share, save you some, some time and how you go about things. So just knowing that you're not alone, that's, that's huge, that's the big part.
Speaker 1:One thing I wanted to mention that I that was actually very helpful for me when I feel like I was going through a super, super dark time and I just went back and reread this stuff, maybe a couple months ago, as I had this really silly little journal. It was just a silly little journal, but it was like I forced myself to do it and it was what I was. It was the three things that day that I was grateful for.
Speaker 2:Super simple yeah.
Speaker 1:And I went back and looked at the things that I had written down when I was going through this super dark time and it was this basic, basic, basic stuff. Like I was excited to come home and see my dogs Right, I mean little things that it's like. I mean I didn't, I wasn't asking for these big, you know huge signs from anything. I was trying to keep my head above water.
Speaker 2:I was trying to say there is joy.
Speaker 1:That was my way of saying you know, there are really good things out there in this world. For me, it's like right now is really tough, yeah, but I know that there's good stuff coming in the future. So I just wanted to share that because even and I'm, you know, I'm one that will start something and I won't necessarily continue to do it yeah, I didn't continue to do it, probably after a couple months, I think, maybe two or three months, and then I felt like I didn't need to do it anymore. But it was kind of enlightening because, going back to look at it now, I know what the feelings were that I had during that period of time and how I just was so out of sorts, yeah, and I clearly conveyed it on paper. I like that.
Speaker 1:Say all that to say the ladies who are out there experiencing, like you said, the beginnings of or the endings of, you know, trauma in a relationship or sadness. Or you know, maybe it's not divorce, maybe you become a widow, there's lots of different things that could happen. Or you've been betrayed, you know, by your significant other and they've stepped out when you know it's a bad time in your marriage and whatever the power is that you want in a partnership.
Speaker 2:Knowing those things will help you to be able to do it on your own terms. So I guess I would just encourage everyone to live loud, mm, hmm, okay, love intentionally and just never shrink.
Speaker 1:Yeah Again, whatever, whatever, that looks like for you, yeah, yeah, just. I mean doesn't mean you have to be like crazy, like all over everything, but you know it's like your inner peace is there and you know what your value and your worth is right. So, that's where you remain.
Speaker 2:So just want to remind everybody. We are out there on the socials, so go check us out. Spicy Midlife Women, and we're on Instagram. Facebook might even see us on TikTok, occasionally on YouTube as well, but, like I said, just go take a look. Please follow us, like us, share us with your friends if you like what you're hearing, and we just like spending time with all of you every week I know and I get to spend time with Shelly when we record.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I miss her.
Speaker 1:Even though we live in the same basic place, we don't see each other, sometimes for like a week or two at a time. Yeah, yeah anyway, stay spicy, ladies. Yep, that's what it's all about. Have a good one.
Speaker 2:We'll be back next week. Yep, all right, take care, bye, bye.