Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

34. Breaking Up With Relationship Expectations

• Jules and Michele: Midlife Mentors • Episode 34

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We unpack how expectations quietly drain romance, family, friendships, and work while showing a simple shift to standards that returns clarity and calm. Stories, scripts, and a no-expectations holiday invite model how to set boundaries without guilt and trust what you’ve taught your kids.

• defining expectations versus standards
• identifying other people’s asks versus self-imposed pressure
• communicating needs without mind-reading
• romantic roles, planning fatigue, and emotional labor
• misaligned dating paces and opting out with grace
• friendship rhythms that don’t breed resentment
• family expectations across generations
• trusting your adult kids and releasing control
• when work expectations are justified and why
• a practical “no-expectations” gathering playbook

By the way, if you haven’t checked us out on the socials, you should probably do that. We are on all of them Instagram, Facebook, and we are over there on TikTok. And if you subscribed over on YouTube, that would be and we won’t be resentful if you don’t. But we would love it if you did.


Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, all you spicy midlife women out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City from the West Coast, bringing you all kinds of real life stories and nobius conversations. And we're doing it together and we're doing it with style. That's right.

SPEAKER_01:

We sure are Jules. And we are here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time, which is what we're gonna do right now. Let's get into it. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We are gonna get into a really good topic. And actually, we've talked about this one before. We had in our old episode or old podcast before we rebranded, it was a blonde, a brunette, and a mic. And we had an episode, and it was number 104, I believe. You can also pick it up on uh any of your podcast platforms, but we're kind of getting into this a little bit deeper now, and it is in regard to breaking up with relationship expectations. So when I say relationship, what do you think?

SPEAKER_01:

I immediately think of a partnership, a romantic, other marriage, whatever it is, you know, in a partnership with somebody else type of relationship.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but it can also be friendships, it can be family, familial relationships, things of that nature where you have standards, expectations that are daunting or growing on you.

SPEAKER_01:

Relationships in the workplace.

SPEAKER_00:

But I think, I mean, truthfully, everybody probably listening to this when I just asked that question was probably saying to themselves, Oh, hell yeah, I need some information on how to break up with so and so, you know, or break up with the expectations they have placed upon me. Do I sound like I'm a placed upon me? Is the like in the medieval whatever that show is handmaid's tale. Yeah. As I sit here with my little bonnet. No, I'm just joking, no bonnet. Anyway, so Michelle, what do you think about this? Do you think that there are more than one kind of expectation out there?

SPEAKER_01:

Uh yeah, there's there's I think a lot of expectations that we don't even realize, that we don't even think about. And I think that there are also expectations which are their expectations. And then there's the expectations that we put on ourselves, right? Too. So those are you know things to differentiate and how we feel about them. For I mean, example, maybe one of what their expectations might be is wanting you to be agreeable, for example, or to be available.

SPEAKER_00:

That's huge, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So that that's what I'm talking about, being grateful. These are things that come up in conversations, I think, with relationships with people, and where those expectations land that you don't even realize. So because there's gonna be the relationships that others have on us in those relationships, so their expectations, and then there are the expectations that we put on ourselves. Right.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you think one or the other is more or less important or more or less damaging? Do you think? I don't know the answer, that's why I'm asking.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I don't I don't know that I I think it's the awareness that needs to go around both of those uh topics, their expectations and our own expectations that we put on ourselves and being aware of what some of those things are. I think that either way, any of them can be damaging. And not so much damaging, you just need to be really careful with expectations because when we have them, I mean, we, you know, personally, I'm just thinking of myself, you know, when we tend to have expectations ourselves that we put on others. So really diving in and looking into, you know, how expectations that other people put on us make us feel. We need to really be aware of that, that we might be doing that to somebody else.

SPEAKER_03:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

And it's not like we're never gonna like have expectations or just throw them all out the window. That's uh not saying that because there are expectations or things like that that are important in relationships. But I mean, I do think of the letdown that that can I know I can have when I put expect when I have these expectations in all different kinds of relationships that you were talking about, you know, when we started the working relationships. I can think of situations like that, partnership relationships, family relationships. When you put these expectations and then it doesn't turn out the way that you want, it's a big letdown. So you really have to be careful how you're thinking about some of these things.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I agree. I um I'm thinking this through as as you've been talking, and I I can speak for myself, right? Because this is something that you know, without we I think women in general, yeah, and especially when you are really starting to learn how to convey your message or convey how you're feeling or feeling comfortable, you know, doing those things, you sometimes just assume people are gonna know what you expect of them. And then when they so then they don't follow through or they quote fail whatever it is that you are expecting of them, and then you're upset, but they never really knew what you expected to begin with. And so that's something that I've I mean, truthfully, I've run across that myself where I'm let me think of an example. Like, let's just say you have um, you know, family get together, and you expect that your family's gonna show up, but your family doesn't show up, and so your feelings are hurt, and you are mad or bummed out or whatever because you had made all this food and all this kind of stuff, but nobody ever really gave you the answer that they were gonna be there. They actually have a life and have other things going on, you know. Or, you know, I can use my mom as an example. Bless my mom, she's darling, and she's but she's very has very high expectations. She says she appreciates things a lot, but she has very, very high expectations for how her family is. And so when she doesn't get those needs met, if you will, or she doesn't uh we don't meet her expectations, we hear it. We kind of get the tail end of it, and it's it can be not very fun sometimes, you know. So those are the things that I'm I'm kind of thinking about when we are talking about this topic. I've really myself gone back to what my standards are. Okay, so we've talked about this before, and we're gonna talk about it again because I think it's so, so, so important. Um, the standards that you have are what you place on yourself, those are what you want to live by. The expectations that you have in this scenario are what you place on others. Now, whether those are reasonable or unreasonable are are, you know, for you to decide or for the person who you're putting those expectations on to decide. But the point is that you're doing it. So the only time I can really think that it would be appropriate to have expectations of people without their input, I would say, is in a work environment. Like if you have a job and the job is this is what the job description is, this is what the expectation is for you to complete. If you're not doing it, you're not meeting those expectations. You're getting paid for that though. Exactly. That's my point. It's like you're not getting paid on all this other stuff, but it's like you're getting paid on something like that. So if you're not meeting the expectations of the company you're working for, then you're probably not gonna have a job. So it's not the same kind of thing when you're thinking about a relationship that you're having with your husband or your significant other, you know, or your girlfriend or whatever.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, something I did this past holiday season, and it was the best thing that I that I have ever done. And it kind of has to do with the expectation factor, right? So for both Thanksgiving and for Christmas, I had family get-togethers prior to the actual holiday so that my family could go about their business on the actual day. I I have grown kids, they have you know significant others so that they could go do their own thing when they needed to and not feel stretched thin. So Christmas particularly, I I had a family gathering prior to Christmas, and when I put the invite out there, you know, I said this, that, or the other, and it's at the you know, and and it's a busy time. So then people started, you know, well, we have this and we might not be able to get there till this time, and this, that, and the other. So I responded and I said, This is a no expectations, guilt-free gathering. Six o'clock. Yeah, six o'clock is just it's not a starting time. It's just, you know, the the the time that you can show up anytime after that. And it was great. Like because I I removed and released the expectations of everybody, so they felt like they could show up whenever they got there. I was able to release those, you know, expectations from myself on what I was, you know, not expecting from them.

SPEAKER_00:

And it was it wasn't a trick. I mean, there can people people can say, oh, there's no expectation, but truly, you know, they didn't say they didn't show up, say one of the kids had something else going on. Yeah, there's a lot of moms out there that would have gone, what the hell?

SPEAKER_01:

And I just and I decided that either way, whatever if whoever showed up, whenever they showed up, I was kind of joking for a little while that it was just gonna be me and my son's girlfriend drinking wine because you know, everybody else had things going on, but everybody eventually was there and it was amazing. Yeah, it was awesome. They, you know, so they just got there when they could. We did whatever we wanted, we just went with the flow and it was great. So, you know, you can you can take that and and use it in other circumstances. That is something that I'm gonna really try to focus on this year, actually, when it comes to my word is consistent, consistency with that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Because it felt so much better. But to your point, in with the expectations, there's always gonna be other people's expectations and the expectations we put on ourselves. That's why I kind of shared that because it released, you know, some what other would be otherwise anxious feelings on both parties. Um, it just released that.

SPEAKER_00:

So, because we've all got those things. I know. I well, and and we're thinking about what other people have of us and then what we have of our own. And if you think about it, you might just the expectations you place on yourself are what's given to you. If a lot of this is familial, I think it's like if there's this perceived, you know, well, Michelle's always the one that does X, so we're expecting her to do that. And maybe Michelle's not going to be bringing the turkey or whatever, you know, so but there's this expectation, so you feel kind of stressed that you've got to provide whatever everybody's expecting of you. Yeah. And that's a lot of the things that we've been talking about recently because I think as women in particular, we have a really difficult time giving ourselves that ability to say, you know what, I don't know. I don't think that's gonna work for me. Or I I just don't feel like this is where I want to be right now. And they feel like they're gonna hurt people's feelings or they're gonna disappoint people. Yeah. Wow. And uh, and we don't like to do that, you know, and nobody likes to disappoint other people.

SPEAKER_01:

It's it's it's hard to at in this midlife juncture, you know, giving yourself permission to be okay with some of these things. Let's let's talk about some of just just a couple different things in each one of the categories that you were talking about, you know, romantic, relationship, familiar, all the different types of relationships and giving up expectations, but what some of those expectations might be in in a romantic relationship. For example, always being the emotional manager of everything, right? I think sometimes partners can tend to put that on one way or the other. Being in you're always counting on that person to be the emotional manager in that relationship. That can be very difficult.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, it can be daunting, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And heavy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And and I think too, in when people are in relationships, they know, okay, that's my strength. That's not really my strength, you know. So, like planning vacations and things like that. Well, someone might be more of a planner, and so they end up taking on all of the responsibility when, you know what, maybe they just want to like be surprised, yeah, and not be the person that's having to plan everything and coordinate everything. But with romantic relationships in particular, I think that this is a very uh kind of a gray area because it depends on how comfortable the couple is communicating those things. It's almost like you know, the communication word. And I have been chatting because we just had this, I just had this interesting experience that was involving a potentially romantic. And I'm gonna share, share a little bit about it because there were so many things about this communication that just made me go, huh? You know, just really kind of made me scratch my head because it was so different than I was accustomed to. And the expectations in getting to know this person were that we would sit and apparently have these very deep conversations and kind of learn more about our communication styles and if you're an attachment person or you know, all these different things. And my expectations were I just want to have fun and kind of see if we vibe and get to know each other, right? Yeah and so it turned into something very different than I had anticipated, which made me really uncomfortable. And I couldn't quite figure out what it was that was making me uncomfortable. I just knew I was, and as the time progressed, I realized it's because there was this expectation that had been, I think, kind of placed on me without really me understanding or knowing exactly what was expected. And I was failing miserably because it was not where I was, you know, it wasn't what I wanted or what I wanted to do. And so I just came to realize that it's like clearly this person and I were not aligning, and it's okay. We're not aligning, we look at things differently or through a quote, different lens, but it made me really step back and go, okay, do I am I clear about what I'm asking of people or what I'm projecting toward people, or am I asking the right questions about them? And so all of these things surrounding expectations, I think um it just makes you think, you know, because it's like, who are we to put our our wants and needs on someone else?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and and hence the the name of this episode breaking up with some of these relationship expectations and being aware, like I mentioned earlier, what some of these expectations are and how they can affect us, right? So what about friendships? Some of the expectations that can be uh in in friendships, do you think I can think of it?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh gosh, that's a whole nother one. You know, there's different, like we've talked about before different circles of friendships, and some are right or dies and they're gonna be there no matter what. And if they're not, they'll just tell you and they'll tell you why. It's not a big deal. What I think is cool about friendships is that for the most part, really true deep ones that are consistent will um you can just pick up where you left off. Yeah, you know, it's not something where there has to be this constant nurturing, like you see with romantic relationships, which I believe need nurturing constantly to stay healthy. Friendships are different, you know, you can be not near somebody and be able to pick up where you left off, catch up on your life, and nobody's feeling resentful about it or feeling like you're not spending the time. So I think there's also expectations, though, where friendships can be concerned that may not be conveyed, just like anything else, you know, and not necessarily discussed either. So it's it's tough. I think it can be really tough if you have someone in your life that you feel like you're not really interacting with the way you want to. Maybe it's because they're really not the person should be in your life anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, I'm just sitting here thinking of sometimes in our life where I'm just thinking of showing up, feeling like we have to show up perfectly in everything, in in family things, with family relationships, with friendships and friends, you know, those types of relationships, romantic relationships. I think sometimes we tend to do that at work and outside of work, the those other categories that I mentioned, and even with ourselves, we should be able to show up just as we are. Just we should be able to be messy in all of those relationships and not have those yeah, and be accepted and not have those expectations put on us because I would want people to feel that way. So I I don't know, I just keep coming up with this word awareness, I think is super important with what we're talking about. What about family relationships? Some of the expectations, some that's a tougher one, huh?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, like I mentioned about my mom earlier.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, pretty situational.

SPEAKER_00:

Susan, I love you. We call her we call her Daisy. Daisy, I love driving as Daisy. We love Daisy, but Daisy's got some fierce expectations, you know. And it's like it comes from what she perceives her family to be there for her, no matter what, in every circumstance, or or we're not doing what we're supposed to be doing. That's kind of how she's all she's always been that way, really. Yeah, and in turn, she deserves that because she has given us all of her life. So this is very much a generational thing, and so now I'm starting to look at it very differently because she's kind of slowing down so much that it's like none of that in my mind really is mattering anymore as much as it did before. And it's like she's not gonna change, I'm not gonna have a conversation with her about it anymore because what's the point? I just gonna love her up the way she is. That's how I look at it. But I haven't always been that way. She's as Michelle knows, that woman has sent me over the edge several times. Sent my kids over the edge several times. You know, her intentions I think are good, but intentions are not necessarily the best way to approach things, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

I would imagine a lot of our listeners out there go through this too in some way or another, some way, shape, or form with parents, you know, especially when we're at we're in midlife and we're able to understand more. You know, we're headed in that direction and kind of reflecting again. This word aware is coming up in my mind and being aware of how we're making our kids feel.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, there you go. That was the other thing that I was gonna mention because our children are grown now. But think about when they were, you know, 10 years old or eight years old or whatever. It's like, of course, we have expectations of them. That's how they're learning, that's how they're being taught. You know, it's like that's but we once they get to that point where they are supposed to be kind of making those decisions for themselves, where do those expectations go? It's like you hope that they have picked up on and learned the things that you need them to learn to be able to go out into the world and present themselves in the way that you hope that they're going to, like good people making good decisions, you know, whatever. And um, you don't have any control over it anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, you have to somebody very dear to me told me this a long time ago. You have to trust what you've done. Yes, trust what you've done. And that's how and and I mean it's so hard. It is so hard and can be in certain situations because sometimes some of the effing things that these that my kids have done or some of the decisions that they've made, you know, it's it it's it's like but it's you know, again, because we put all those expectations on them when they were younger, you are expecting them to the outcome to be a certain way, and it that's not always the way it is. They're not us. They're not like us. They're not like us. God's not to say that we wouldn't do it all right either, right? Yeah, and that that's right. I know I didn't. I'm I'm sure I crushed many of my parents' expectations of me. I know I did.

SPEAKER_00:

But it's so funny, it's like Jerry, my youngest, right? He is in this relationship now and he was Out to meet the parents. It's like, and um, so he was a little nervous about meeting the parents, but um, he was like, Yeah, it's like I said, Well, you know what? I said, I cracked myself up now a few days later, going, I can't believe I just said this to him. I was like, You just look him in the eye and you shake his hand and you make sure that you have a firm handshake talking about the dad and answer his questions, perhaps have a little bit of he goes, Mom, mom, you've taught me all of these things. It's good. And it's like, and I've seen how he interacts with other people, and I'm like, damn, that's my kid. He knows what he's doing, you know. Yeah, but I just started laughing because all of a sudden I'm like sitting here trying to coach him on exactly what he needs to do and say, and I'm like, dude, I've already done all that with him. If he doesn't do it by now, forget it.

SPEAKER_01:

That's such a great reminder. He did that for you. Yeah, because that's what that's what I'm talking about, trusting what you've done, right? Um, yeah. So anyway, yeah, and uh workplace. I don't really want to get into that because I think we make ourselves endlessly available there. Say yes, all that. I mean, to your point, because those expectations are different, we're getting paid to meet those expectations, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think there's a completely justifiable um uh reason why a manager or a supervisor or something would have those. It's just part of the work environment. But when you start getting into the squishiness of family relationships or romantic relationships or or um anything like that, friendships, I think it is a it's a very gray area because everybody has different interpretations on how they look at things. Yeah. And and it isn't necessarily fair to place those kinds of expectations or responsibilities on someone, especially if they don't know. You know, it's like they don't understand that that's how you how you roll. They don't understand what you do or how you roll. So all of a sudden it's like they're kind of in the doghouse and they haven't even done anything, you know. So anyway, I just I think this is a really important topic as we are rolling into this new year, and people are kind of thinking about how they want to redirect their attention. And women in particular, the women who are in our audience, are thinking about how they want to show up for themselves. And this is one of those tough topics that I feel needs to be really kind of analyzed to some degree internally, so you can really give yourself uh I don't say a grade, but you can give yourself an overview of how you're showing up for other people, like the expectation part of it. How you do for yourself, that's one thing. But you know, what you're doing with other people, it might um it might preclude you from getting involved in different things or being invited to different things, or you know, if you have so many expectations about a uh social function, people might not want you to come because you're gonna be disappointed and ticked off if things don't go the way you want them to. I I don't know. It's it seems to be that it's something we have to really pay attention to.

SPEAKER_01:

Break up with that shit.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Break up with it. Can we merit condo that shit too? I suppose we could. Yeah. Especially like with the expectations that we put on, but just before we wrap up here, I just want to point out the expectations that we put on ourselves. Really evaluate those and maybe do an audit on that. And what are some of the expectations that maybe you can start to slowly and subtly let go? You know, the expectations that we had on ourselves when we were younger are different now. We don't we don't need to keep holding that bar so high. We don't need to think that we've earned something, you know. I have to do all this to earn this, right? Right? Those expectations. I gotta do this, this, this, this. Okay, now I can do this. You are at the point in midlife where you have earned a lot, and I think we have to remind ourselves that it's okay to maybe let some of those expectations go and just you know, be a little wild child every once in a while. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, like if your expectation is to have sex three times a day with your partner, I think it probably would be helpful for them to know. Maybe, well, there's that. And but you know, usually they're fine. Three times a day is a lot, though. Just saying it's a lot. But if it's the other way around, get it, girl. And they're like, you know, my expectation is that you are having sex with me three times a day. I'd be like, oh hell no, you can go have sex with yourself. I'm not gonna be doing that three times a day. Just when I want to, just for a surprise you.

SPEAKER_01:

By the way, if you haven't checked us out on the socials, you should probably do that. We are on all of them Instagram, Facebook, and we are over there on TikTok. So go take a look-see on those platforms and um even more.

SPEAKER_00:

We have over expectations of you looking at those things. However, we would be honored if you did.

SPEAKER_01:

And if you subscribed over on YouTube, that would be and we won't be resentful if you don't. No, no, no. But we would love it if you did.

SPEAKER_00:

What's wrong with you? Why didn't you? I'm just kidding. Oh, I think that's all for today. We appreciate your time, ladies, and we are looking forward to chatting with you again next week.

SPEAKER_01:

All right, signing off.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Say next time.

SPEAKER_01:

Peace out.

SPEAKER_00:

Stay spicy, stay spicy.