35. Who Benefits When You Stay The Same?

We challenge the comfort of staying the same and ask who benefits when a midlife woman stops evolving. We unpack resentment, boundaries, and the myth of the midlife crisis while sharing prompts to start honest, sustainable change.

• change, growth and evolution as distinct yet related choices
• costs of staying the same including resentment and mental fatigue
• the “I’m fine” script and the invisible woman effect
• boundaries as clarity rather than conflict
• letting partners and friends adjust to your growth
• small experiments to act on curiosity and desire
• reflection prompts to identify rewards for sameness
• a sobriety story that reframes loyalty vs self-abandonment
• growth as an act of self-respect, not betrayal

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Transcript

Welcome And Framing The Big Question

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hey, all you spicy midlife women out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, The Emerald City, coming to you with all kinds of real life stories and nobious conversations. Ain't that right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_01 0:42

That is so right. Here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, stitch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time, which is what we're gonna do right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:54

That's right, my sister. Yeah.

Change, Growth, And Evolution In Midlife

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Diving in. Okay, girl, what are we talking about today? We're gonna talk about who is it that benefits when you stay the same.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Are you talking about like when you're wearing the same clothes or when you are like your personality is staying the same?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Personality.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Or your feedback or your all of it. All the things, as Michelle says.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

When you stay the same. And it could be like wearing the same outfit every day.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

That would be kind of boring, don't you think? It would be unless they're really, really nice pieces and they're statement pieces. And they're probably black because that's pretty pretty much what we wear. Um, so let me let me ask you something. Have you ever noticed how everyone loved you? Like in a different, just think of like a circumstance out there when you were even younger or when you were, I don't know, married, whatever, where people just loved you. They loved being around you, they loved everything that you did. And then all of a sudden you started to change and they think there's there's something wrong with you. Like, what's up with her?

SPEAKER_01 1:56

I mean, I don't, I don't think it was that, you know, stark difference, like all of a sudden I was feeling like people thought something was wrong with me. Uh, because I think sometimes as changes happen, it's a process, right? Um, and it probably depends on the intention behind the changes, but yes, because when you, you know, when I went from church going housewife y uh mother, and and this is maybe some of those slow changes, and you I started working and and I kind of had to juggle things a little bit more and figure things out. But I was always well received in the workplace, well received at church, well received at home. And when life circumstances are such where you feel the need to start making some changes, whether at that time I don't think I was intentionally thinking about, oh, I have to do this, but you just start, you just start doing stuff because you know you're making things happen and you're moving through life. And and yeah, and and you know, then all of a sudden I wasn't making it to church every Sunday. And I was maybe working on Sunday when I wasn't but, you know, so it's this evolution over time. And then I think you start realizing some things that you have wanted to let go, but didn't, because of we just talked about this in another episode, because of the expectations that go with it, that kind of stuff. And so you do this little juggle act, maybe a little bit, and you're kind of you know staying the same, but then in your mind wanting to do some things different. And so it's it's a process. That's that's a really actually multifaceted question, as you can tell, because I'm talking about a lot of different facets.

The Cost Of Staying The Same

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yeah, but that's okay. So I think when you we were talking before the episode started about the words uh change, growth, and evolve, change, grow, evolve. And if they are one and synonymous, if they're synonymous, you know, if you look at chain, growth, and evolution the same way as a woman who is in midlife, or you know, anybody, I suppose, as they're going through whatever changes that they're making in their lives. And I think what I've found is that when I have made a decision consciously, subconsciously, probably more consciously, but maybe not outwardly, to make an adjustment or change for myself that I felt was better, I could always tell when it would affect someone else. It would make someone else maybe uncomfortable. And so then I'd start asking myself, is this change for me or is this change hurting them? Because it's like they don't like the change, they want things to be the same, you know, and we're talking family members or what's very relationships, you know, that sort of thing. Or but like if you're in a if you're in a long-term relationship, for example, if or marriage, if you don't evolve, change, grow together, then you grow apart, right? Together is the key word on that one. Yeah, and when you're in midlife, you can always people call that like midlife crisis. They say, Oh, they're in a midlife crisis, they're you know, buying the Corvette and you know, dyeing their hair, you know, whatever that they're doing, they're acting differently, they're acting like children. And maybe they are because they didn't experience that when they were younger or whatever has happened in their life, but their partner might be a little bit uncomfortable with the changes that they're making. Like all of a sudden they start going to the gym. Everybody thinks, oh, they're probably cheating, you know, unless it's first a year, and it'll last for a couple weeks and then be done.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Um, anyway, so the uncomfortable question is what is the purpose of the change that you would want to make? And if you didn't make it, who benefits? Do you benefit?

SPEAKER_01 5:47

If you didn't make it, yeah. No, no, and as you were just that last part that you were talking about, I was thinking to myself, I think this is what part of what makes us spicy midlife women is we know what that was like early on. There were these other things in our minds that we had ideas of, other stuff that we would think about that maybe we wanted to do, how we wanted to be. And uh circumstances are such that, you know, at that point in life it's a little more difficult, but that's always there. So then as time goes on and you're growing as a person, you might start to make some of those changes because they're more appropriate at that time. And and acting on those, I think, is really important and and not burying them because if it's in your thought process, if it's in your mind, if you're curious about these things, and what if I did this, what if I did that in a lot of different things, you are not gonna know unless you act on those things. If you're curious about them and you want them to be part of your life, you want to experience them to see how it will be for you as a person because you feel like it's part of you as a person, you should definitely explore those things and and do it.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

Well, there's a level of fear, I think, that goes along with that because you know, when you have enough noticeable change in your demeanor, your boundaries that you start putting into place, or just the way you're approaching things, it is very noticeable to the people that are in your daily life. And so if you don't do it all, if that's not how you are as a person, it becomes extremely noticeable. It's kind of like, oh, what's happening? And that's where that whole midlife crisis, you know, thing comes from when people talk about that. And they say it more as a joke, you know, midlife crisis, oh, going through midlife crisis. But really, when you think about it, it's because you you've been in this place where you've done the same thing, you know, like Groundhog's Day, maybe over and over again. You have not expressed your opinions on things, or you've put yourself in a place where you you've made yourself smaller just to avoid conflict, you know. And inside you're building this resentment. You can tell I'm talking about myself, right? I know we both are. I think we are, but it's like a lot of this. I really want the women who are listening to us to really think about what we're saying and saying are those things that I've done, because we're not, we haven't all turned into these all mighty, powerful people, you know. And it's and it's not to say, even if you are this person who is a lot stronger, quote unquote, than you used to be, you're still a person. You still have feelings, you still have doubts, you still have uh hesitations about things, and it's the gumption, if you will, that gets you moving to do the things that you want to do. It takes courage, yeah, in a lot of ways to make the changes that you want to make.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

Yeah. So and I think sometimes some of the the poking or prodding that might come to fruition in some of your relationships are gonna be some things that I'm sure our listeners might recognize the guilt trips that people might put on you in regard to maybe some of the things that you've changed, or comments, or minimizing some of the things that you might need as a result, or even just like, you know, people saying you've changed.

SPEAKER_00 9:16

Or even joking about it. It's like, boy, you change much more. I don't think I'll want to be around you. That's a very passive aggressive thing, but you might have a husband or a boyfriend or something that is that says something like that to you, and it's like because you're making them super uncomfortable with whatever you're whatever you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

And it's not to say that it's a bad thing, because maybe it's something that you feel like you should have been doing all along. I try to stay away from that should word, so I just used it though. But you get you get what I'm saying. So I I guess when you think about growth, evolution, change, it doesn't really require a consensus. It's not like you have to get permission to do these. Or validation, yeah. I mean, you have your girlfriends around that will cheer you on. You might have uh honestly, you might have a partner, a significant other that is in your court being your cheerleader too, because even though those changes are happening, they love seeing you evolve, they love seeing you change, they love seeing you have more depth to you as a person as you learn more. And that sounds like a pretty amazing partner. And there's plenty of them out there. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, let's let's let's really be clear about that. This isn't all about you changing and um trying to like mitigate any problems that are happening in your life that way. It's it could be a good thing too. It could be about good things.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

I mean, I I think of I think about it and I of course reflect on myself, and it's it's acting on those things that make you more yourself.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

I think. But what if you don't know who yourself is? Well, that's that's a process, and and that's gonna cause ref yeah that's gonna um that will need reflection and intention, action, yeah, awareness, and really going within to think about some of those things that you're you are wanting and desiring that maybe you aren't putting into play in your life, right?

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Well, again, as we talk about um the the midlife mindset that we have been speaking about now with the messages and the podcast that we have, I can say, and I think we both said it's like we didn't really know who we were when we came out of the relationships that we were in. Now, that's not to say there's other women out there that have not, they've been in great relationships, but they still didn't necessarily know who they were, you know, because they didn't do the work on trying to figure that out, or they didn't need to. Or they or they were already naturally in a place where they were doing well and really understanding who they were. I would say the bulk of women, the bulk of people that I know, that's not really the case, but you don't hear about it. We don't talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

I would agree. Yeah, we don't because we don't want to think about it.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

Well, I think a lot of it's putting on a facade. That's that's what I mean. Kind of like the the 2.5 kids and the dog and the great house and the suburbs, and oh god, I just described myself. You you put on this facade because that you're just going through life, you're trying to figure things out, you're doing things from one end to the next, and a lot of the stuff that you do is done to just keep things flowing the way they need to. Yeah, living the lie.

Authenticity, Joy, And Letting Others Adjust

SPEAKER_01 12:30

Yeah. I was gonna say, I know that sounds really harsh. Um, you know, I have a wonderful family, you know. I had a a husband that, you know, we did all these things together, and you know, but life happens, shit happens, and it can be a fucking mess sometimes and horrible emotionally can be very heavy, some of the things that that couples can go through with figuring a lot of this stuff out. And so much of it is held internally. Again, I will say like Julie did earlier, I'm speaking about myself now, but so much of it is held internally because we don't talk about it, right? And we're trying to figure it out on our own. And for me, I know back in the 90s, you know, we weren't talking about going to therapy, and it was, you know, there was none of that stuff. And so I would just silently try to figure my own shit out all the time. And so it wasn't until later when, you know, I you all know, listening to other episodes, I divorced. So then I'm on my my own, yeah, trying to figure out who I am now. And uh, you know, what are my own desires? I think and it would take me down to earlier years. So a lot of the things that I had wished for or that I wanted to be able to do for myself or be able to live out loud about myself, right? All that kind of stuff, you know. You then are shifting and changing to your point, evolving, growing, and you have to give yourself permission to do some of those things, and it's gonna be messy sometimes. Yeah. That's how you're gonna figure the shit out. You gotta make some messes so you can clean them up and figure out how to do it better next time and do it authentically.

Reflection Prompts And A Sobriety Story

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Well, I think I think it it does boil down to living authentically, and it's not to say that you're not going to have, but you're going to have all the answers because you certainly don't. And that's part of this whole messy process that you're talking about. But I think we we have had a tendency, not you and me in general, I'm just saying women, generally speaking, have a tendency to kind of suck it up, buttercup, to make things happen for other people. That's just kind of our nature, yeah, in a lot of ways. And so along with that comes the losing yourself, comes not really knowing what is important to you, or you know, like giving up on learning about pleasure as an example. It's like you just go with the flow because that's what you got to do. You don't even, I mean, honestly, didn't think about that kind of stuff when I was younger. I think about it all the time now, but I didn't think about it when I was younger, you know. It's just like I didn't, I didn't care. I really didn't care, which I think I look back on that now and I'm kind of like, oh my God, that was that's kind of like not sad, but it's kind of like what a waste. No, it's a lot of time. And it is wasted what a waste of of orgasms I could have had. For God's sake. Well, you put it that way. I know I gotta make up for old time now, I guess, you know. So anyway, so hidden costs. So we're talking about motivating self-honesty, you know, between you, yourself, and you. And me, myself, and I. Yeah, just I mean, because nobody else is going to do that but you, you know, really kind of getting to the core of if you really want to grow, change, evolve, whatever the hell word you want to call it, it's like, what does that look like for you? And how does that impact the people around you? And again, understanding that that secondary question isn't the most important one. The primary question is the most important one. How does that impact you? What is it that you want to do to yourself to live more freely, you know, and more enjoyably?

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Because some of the stuff that that comes from maybe not acting on some of the changes that you're wanting as far as staying the same. Yeah, some of that heaviness, I think, that I was referring to is is the resentment that can build from your life the way it is. That's huge. Yeah, huge. So that it that is really heavy and can cause a lot of emotional tiredness, fatigue, and mental exhaustion. Yes, mental exhaustion. You can maybe even a loss of self-trust in some aspects and feeling invisible in your very own life. Because, like, you know, you kind of lose this sense of self, I think, when you're wanting, but not really living in that way that you want to be.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Have you heard that? Um, I don't know if it's a phrase or saying or if it's just a thought process where women in midlife or women that get to be like say over over 40 or any age really after that, they kind of become invisible. Yeah. And I and I see that over and over and over again with women who have lost their uh self-confidence or have have no idea what they're capable of. Uh, and they're they're the person that's waiting at the counter that everybody keeps going around them and they don't say anything or it's excuse me, that's my turn next. They don't they haven't given themselves permission to really step up for themselves. There are so many of us out there that are like that, yeah, that really are so longing to figure this shit out. So anyway, with that in mind, I think it's uh it's really important to say it's okay to say it's not okay. You know, instead of saying it's fine, everything's fine, saying no, it's really not fine. Um, you'd probably surprise the hell out of the people you're talking to. But yeah, because they expect it's the fine, the fine answer. And you know, women, it's like we say, it's fine, but you know that really doesn't mean it's fine. I'm fine. It's fine. Yeah, everything's fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

That word because I think we're trying to uh convince ourselves that it is.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

It's fine is a four-letter word, literally and figuratively, a four-letter word, because it really means I don't want to talk about it, or I just want to let it go or stop asking me.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Are you guys listening to this? Yeah, if you're if you had a woman in your life and she's saying everything's fine, it probably isn't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

No, it isn't.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

If you're having to ask and she's saying it's fine.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

And you know, longing for reciprocity, you know, like when you when you give to someone else, not physically, but like when you're giving your time or you're giving, you know, your anything to them, you know, and don't receive any kind of acknowledgement, not like you're doing it for that reason, but it's like you don't ever receive anything back. It's kind of feels very empty. It's kind of like, do I have any value with that person? Why am I wasting my time doing this if they don't, if there's no reciprocation? I don't know. I I've noticed that too.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

You know, there's a saying that when we were looking at some of the highlights on this topic, there's this there was this saying that we came across, and it is staying the same is often sold as loyalty, but it can become what, Jules? Self-abandonment, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Self-abandonment.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

And that goes that goes back to that whole who the hell am I question. You know, and you and you don't even realize you're at that question until you literally hit it and you're like, this whole time I've been basically not being true to myself. Who am I? And that is what self-abandonment is. And I think that there's a lot of that that happens in order to make life work for all the people that are in your life, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

And it's not like you're gonna say, you know, to everybody in your life, fuck you, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want. This is what I want, this is how I am, and I don't care what you think. I mean, we're not saying that.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

No. Although that would be really fun.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

I mean, that feels fun, but it, you know, it's just about doing if you're doing things authentically and really living your life the way that brings you joy, and doing things that bring you joy, and listening to music that brings you joy and makes you happy, and wearing clothes that you feel good in, and doing activities that bring you joy. It it it's Like you're not going to be a curmudgeon weird person that people are like, you've changed.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

Well, you draw people more to you when you have that way of looking at things.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Especially when you're doing it. I I I know we're using this word a lot, but it when you're doing it authentically and you're not just trying to be somebody that you're not. Do the things do you boo. I mean, that's just that just coming to my head, you know.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

And you know, I think you can allow others to adjust to the modifications that you're making. Because you're not gonna do things, you're not gonna do things that are detrimental to people, like physically detrimental and things like that. You, you know, you wouldn't necessarily be that person, but be the person who is like, you know, these little adjustments, which honestly kind of turn into boundaries, I would say, because you're making adjustments or changes to how you're approaching things, it affects other people. Let them adjust, just let them adjust.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

I have definitely changed over the last 15 years. Definitely have changed. And it's only because I have been and it and it's subtle. There's subtle changes, but things that have come about over the course of those 15 years, just living a more here it is again. Guess what word? Living more yeah, living a more authentic life and doing those things that I was just talking about and being okay with wearing outfits that maybe other other people wouldn't. I I don't know, but I do because it feels good to me.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Yeah. And you can totally pull it off too. You can. We were just talking about that before we got on here. I'm just like, okay, I wear all black and white. Michelle's got every color under the sun. I was like, I have to put something on that's not my white t-shirt or my black top, you know. I swear. You know, if you saw her closet, you'd know what I'm talking about, though.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

We don't need to talk about that. We're not doing a closet audit anytime soon.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Yeah, so let's let's talk about a few little reflections that maybe our listeners can walk away with, you know, just listening to this.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

So here's a couple things to reflect on. Where am I being rewarded for staying the same? Where does it, where does it add value for me to stay the same when I'm yearning to make a change in my life?

SPEAKER_01 22:41

And this could be something that's part of key when I'm yearning to make a change. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Yeah. You don't necessarily know what the change is, but you know something is coming. It's like, where does it benefit me to stay the same? Now I've done this for myself just recently too. And I staying the same is comfortable. Making adjustments for changes is uncomfortable. And the only time you are going to make really good progress is when you're freaking uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Not to say you want to be uncomfortable all the time. You want to get there and enjoy it, then be uncomfortable again.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

So true though. I I won't dive into what, but even just since this new year happened, some of the things that I'm consistently trying to make changes with are making me uncomfortable. But you just have to move through them because I know it's there are things that I'm desiring and that are better for me. And so you just keep on that path and you you move through it. And then the other stuff kicks in.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

What else? What are some other things? Who benefits besides myself from this new version of me? That's another question. Do your kids well here, let me give you an example. It's like I um I have a a woman that I know, we're not really friends or more acquaintances, and she's one of those life of the party people that everybody loves. She's super positive, but very, very like a really big personality, and came to learn, came to decide, or come to the conclusion that she was using alcohol really to kind of mask a lot of the things that were happening with her. And so she quit drinking. And, you know, she's she's still the life at the party, but in a very different way. She her skin has cleared up, her her activities have cleared up, her family relationships have cleared up, all these things that were directly related to something that she was doing that was really hard, obviously, to give up. But you go back to these questions, where am I being rewarded for staying the same?

unknown 24:35

Yeah.

Closing Thoughts And Community Invite

SPEAKER_00 24:35

She wouldn't have been rewarded to stay the same. Who benefits from that version of nobody was benefiting from that version of her except the people that didn't really know her, you know? And then what does it cost her to give it to keep it up? Well, it costs her sobriety, it's a constant battle to be sober, you know. And then one small way I can shift this dynamic. Okay. Stop. Um so those things that I'm talking about, but this just one little example. This one is a big example, actually, when we're talking about um acknowledging, yeah, acknowledging the changes that she was making. All of those changes were obviously very well supported by the people that loved her, and they're all benefiting from it. And she's so much happier. You know, I love that. Yeah, I do too. And again, she's not, she's I know her, I know her, and she's very nice and friendly. I know I know her more from a distance, but I've seen a lot of the um changes that have happened with her, and they're very obvious, and she just seems so much more grounded and happy, and I'm just I'm thrilled for her. But that was huge. I mean, that's years and years and years of basically masking whatever and being the life of the party, and it was always involving something that you know probably turned into a hangover the next day.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

I know we can we can sit here and and talk about all these things uh based on our life experiences and the things that we've gone through, somebody we know that's been through some things. Please understand that we know that it this is easy stuff to sit here and talk about. Sure. They're they're hard to do. And we see that. We understand that we've been through that. Uh hopefully, some of the stuff that we brought to light today uh is is helpful for you or can at least spark some uh thought-provoking you know intention or you know, action on on some things. To Julie's point, just just those last few questions that she was asking, just really think about that and um you know, see what those answers are and just reflect and kind of do some soul searching. Yeah. And uh kind of go from there.

SPEAKER_00 26:47

Because your growth, you guys, is not betrayal, is not betrayal to anybody that's in your world. The people that love you and understand that you're making an adjustment or change for your own well-being are the people that are gonna show up for you.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Yeah, even if that's just you looking in the mirror.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Yeah, that would be it. Or me looking at Michelle. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Yeah, anyway. So that's all I have on this for now. I'm off my shellbox.

unknown 27:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Just want to direct you all to our our uh socials, check us out on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram. And if you would please take a little trip over on YouTube, see the spicy midlife women there, and hit that subscribe button. And we would love it, love it for you to do.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Yeah. And until next week, we are gonna sign off and say, Hey, we appreciate you guys and our community that we're developing. And we'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

Stay spicy, ladies.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Peace out.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Bye. Bye.