Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

36. Dismantling Outdated Intimacy

• Jules and Michele: Midlife Mentors • Episode 36

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We challenge the narrow idea that intimacy equals sex and show how connection grows through attention, honesty, and everyday touch. From midlife body confidence to evolving desire and nonverbal signals, we share practical ways to build closeness with partners, kids, and self.

• dismantling myths that equate intimacy with sex
• nonverbal cues such as eye contact and touch
• intimacy across relationships beyond romance
• midlife body image and personal agency
• how desire evolves in long‑term bonds
• learning what you want through curiosity
• small weekly dares to practice closeness

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Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.

SPEAKER_01:

Having no BS conversations with all of you about midlife topics, right, Michelle? That's right, Julie. Here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And this episode is going to be the beginning of a few that we're going to have on this topic from different perspectives. Right, Michelle? What are we talking about today?

SPEAKER_01:

Intimacy. Intimacy. But we're going to be talking about dismantling and taking apart all the outdated ideas about that. Dissecting. Dissecting, pulling apart, putting it under a microscope, however you want to think about it. But we are going to kind of pick it apart and talk about some of these things because I think they're super relevant, especially when we get to midlife and we're understanding more about how intimacy impacts us in our relationships. And that is all relationships, really. The word intimacy, right?

SPEAKER_00:

I think what I've I've learned over the course of my years is that there's definitely stereotypes or or uh categories, I would say, that we just automatically have assumed over time are topics that would be just considered intimacy without even or considered a part of intimacy that aren't really necessarily. And that was what we were talking about, Michelle's mentioning about dismantling. It's like before we get into every aspect of intimacy, which is going to probably be in some other episodes, there's, you know, emotional, there's physical, there's all different kinds of intimacy that you can have with another person, with your friends, with yourself, with your family, all of these different relationships. But there are certainly ideas out there that people who don't understand necessarily what intimacy entails would just assume it's a part of. So for example, there's a lot of people out there that think if you have sex with somebody that that's an intimate experience. And I mean, yeah, you're, you know, slapping cheeks with someone who you're, you know, it's pretty intimate that way, right? Yeah. But is it intimate? Because you don't really know maybe this person very well, or you don't really have that love connection with that person. So it might just be a quick fuck. It might just be like a roll in the hay.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So when you're having a roll in the hay with someone you don't really know and you have no real intention of getting to know, there's no intimacy.

SPEAKER_01:

There's no intimacy. I hate to break it to you, but there's not.

SPEAKER_00:

No. I mean, it could still be fun, but it's but it's it's different kind of fun.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Wouldn't you say?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, it's complete opposite of what intimacy is.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Truly.

SPEAKER_00:

Why don't you share with us what your thought process is on intimacy as it relates to physical connection?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I think the physical connection within because what you just described, there is physicality there, right? Right. But when you are in an intimate relationship and that physicality is there, it can just be truly that the intimate, very vulnerable moments. It could just be lying next to your person in bed or on the couch, right? And and spooning, you know, or whatever that looks like. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? I'm probably oh, I'm the little spoon. You're the little spoon. So think about that for a second. Or just, you know, you know, if they're sitting at a chair at the kitchen table, walking up behind them and putting your arms around their neck, and just so that's not sexual. And just touch it. It's not sexual. And it's yeah, it's it's just it's it's physical touch, but it's a very intimate way of doing it, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's that's what I but when we're talking about sex, it's like there's different aspects of sex where intimacy is involved, and it really depends on who the person is you're with and the time that's taken if they're kind of you know making sure you're doing okay. If you're honestly, a lot of it is that it's your eyes, I think. Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I see where you're going with your question. Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you have anything else to add to that? Well, just without a disclaimer, it it can be your eyes and it is something that I've I've actually had discussions with different people about because not everybody looks at it the same way. Right. And I feel like you could have sex with anybody and sure it'd be fun, but really it's like kind of more empty, in my opinion, if it is something that you're doing without having that kind of connection with a person, you know, because you're giving yourself to that person, it is just done in a more transactional way. That is the difference in my mind. Does that kind of resonate?

SPEAKER_01:

That, yep, that you describe that pretty perfectly. Okay. And when you're back to the eyes thing, I I know in retail you talk about how you can smile with your eyes, right? Raising the eyebrows, smiling with your eyes, the tone of your voice. And I think all that can fit into this category as well, to your point. Right. You could look at somebody and yeah, be undressing them. You've heard that, undress dress me with your eyes, undress me with your eyes, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

There's so much nonverbal communication that you can have with a we're just talking partner here for a sec.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That nonverbal communication is way more intense sometimes than verbal communication. I mean, it's like we've talked in different episodes. I remember one episode in particular where we're talking about you just looking at your person across the room, going, give them in a little nod, you know, yeah, to the powder room or or wherever, you know, during a dinner party or you know, when you're at a restaurant. Okay, now I'm getting all freaky. I that's not what I meant. It's just more, but you can do that with a person who you're more intimate with because they know that you know, you you're really into them and you're so it's like foreplay and all the stuff comes later.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, but I mean, and and think about that. We do uh outside of romantic relationships, we do that with I I mean, for those of us that have had children, we do that with our kids. Yeah. I mean, you can give them the evil eye when they are misbehaving, you don't have to say a thing, right? They know the look from mom. I mean, my mine did anyways, and or at work. I mean, you just the the death stare of whatever is so there's the nonverbal that's a bit huge communicator, the the the eyeballs can be.

SPEAKER_00:

But that's not an intimate communication with your kids, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, not intimate, but um, yeah, just the communicate.

SPEAKER_00:

But on on that note, let's talk about your kids. We've got a lot of listeners who have little kids, right? It's like it can be a very intimate moment to be sitting with your child reading a book.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Or like what I would do with my youngest when he was younger, a lot of the time, is like we would just pull up a topic, or like he would say, I want to, I want to learn about I remember this one, hot air balloons. So I just Googled hot air balloons and we learned about hot air balloons, just little things that we did together that he wasn't doing with other people. Yeah, they're little moments. So that obviously doesn't relate to sex with intimacy, but there are lots of different components to it.

SPEAKER_01:

So, like all these examples, you know, when we're talking about what this topic is, and that is dismantling the outdated ideas of intimacy. Um, and that would be like just what we're talking about, because when you think of intimacy, automatically most people go to sex, and you know, based on the things that we just talked about, that's it is that can be true, but it's it's not always true.

SPEAKER_00:

I think the difference is your heart is more into it, like when we're talking about sex, your your heart is more invested in what's happening. You're more care, you care about that person, you're you're wanting to make sure that person's good. Whereas with just straight up sex, it's like, of course, if you're a nice person, you're gonna want to make sure that person's good. But at the same time, it's like you're probably not even spending the night. Or if you're spending the night, you're going home the next day, you might be seeing other people. Who knows? You know, there's so many different aspects to it. So anyway, and well, here's one midlife bodies need to be fixed. You know, it's like, well, think about it, especially from a woman's perspective, it's like there is so much that goes into our appearance, whether we like it or not. Um, how how we're how much we weigh, it's like what kind of clothes we wear, what our hair looks like, you know, all those sorts of things, but really more from a body perspective. It's like we really do put a lot of pressure on ourselves where our bodies are concerned and we want to feel good in our bodies. But there are people who think that our bodies are like washed up, you know, or not necessarily attractive.

SPEAKER_01:

I think that I mean, truth be told, I think that is more so now ever true because of the internet, right, and social media and all the things that there are now. I saw a post the other day actually on social media, and it was somebody that posted a picture of a woman standing in front of an old school car in a bikini, right? Body not but but this from the 70s, yeah. You know, body not perfect, hair not perfect, but but really good looking gal.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, well, and I think everybody too has a different interpretation of what is good looking for sure. I see some of these things on like TikTok or or whatever, and it's like some of these guys they like thick women, or you see them talking about they like thick women, they like thick thighs, thick booties, all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, and there's plenty of women out there who are skinny, but there's guys that really are into that. So I think it really just depends on you and what you're comfortable with in your body. And at our age, it's like, of course, we're gonna I call them battle scars. We're gonna have battle scars. I've had three cesareans, I'm gonna have battle scars, you know. But I've got these amazing kids to, and you know, I'm not I'm not not proud of them. They are my scars, they are what they are. And to think that you are gonna be, you know, at our age and not have some of those things that your body's been through, we've been through a lot with our bodies, you know. So, and and here's the other funny thing about that. It's like, and we're not just talking about women, we're talking about men too. I find that um I've run across where men are very critical of women's physical appearance when they themselves need to be more critical of their own physical appearance before they start pointing fingers at others, you know, like they got the big old belly or they've got, you know, the receding hairline or the yellow teeth or whatever. I mean, it's like why who do they get off saying, you know, she is not good looking or she's not pretty? It's like, dude, take a look in the mirror.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, and it it's just reality. This is the way midlife goes. And you know, there's there's people that are way more health conscious, I think, now than what it used to be. And that's great from a health perspective. And and the bottom line is we just we just need to be confident with what we've got. We've gotta own it, we live in it, we have to feel good about it, and whatever it takes to be able to do that, which we talk about in all of our episodes. There's so many aspects about midlife that had to have to do with how we're feeling in our own skin. So, you know, you got what you got, work with it, feel good about it, try different things so that you feel better about it. These bodies are not problems to be fixed, right? They're wonderful vehicles to be living in.

SPEAKER_00:

But I am of the opinion that if there is something that you want to do to make you feel more comfortable in your body, I always feel like people should do it if that's what they want to do. I'm like, go for it. But then I've seen, like, okay, you know how I am about my my reality TV shows. I'm watching this reality TV show the other day, and this woman, this it's a thruple, first of all, which you know was I was so just this one portion of this program that I'm watching, it's like they're a threple. And this guy, I don't know how he managed to get these two incredibly hot women and he's you know, he's not a prize or whatever, but he's obviously very sweet. His wife is like stunning. She this woman is stunning, she's she's gorgeous. I mean, uh I could have a girl crush on her, she's so gorgeous, right? And they do they come to the very end of the season and they do this thing called a tell-all, which is probably like a year later, where people come on and they talk about their relationships and stuff. It's crazy. I can't even believe I like this stuff, but it's very interesting. She's had uh facelift, including a nose uh lift or nose uh job. She's had her boobs redone, she's had a mommy makeover, she's had a Brazilian butt lift. And I swear to God, this woman, it made me sad because she was, I felt so beautiful before she did all of these things. And so they were talking about it on this show, and they're going, Why did you why did you do this? And she was saying, you know, I just felt a lot of pressure to, you know, you people were saying, My husband, this other girl were saying, Oh, you've got a flat ass, oh da da da da da. Oh, your nose is and so she changed all of this stuff. And it was like, I'm looking at her and going, and it made me sad because she's she looks so different. She doesn't look like herself anymore, like a maybe a more refined even version of herself. Knock yourself out. But it's like, girl, your nose was so cute. So I don't know. I think there's I think there's uh some things that you know I I personally wouldn't probably do, but I don't I don't judge. It's more kind of like I'm always so curious as to why someone wants to do something the way that they do it. And if it makes them feel better and they've got the money to do it, go for it. But I just I'm very curious about that stuff.

SPEAKER_01:

Get it, sister.

SPEAKER_00:

Get it, sister. Yeah, I don't know. But anyway, so our bodies, our bodies do not need to be fixed. If we choose to do something to them because it makes us feel better, as I said before, I think we need to get it, sister, as Michelle said. Yeah. What's another thing about intimacy that you feel like we can touch on today that's not a specific topic? There's a couple more that I'm thinking of.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I think in regard to midlife, and I'm not sure that this is what you're thinking about when you're asking that question, but I think there is when we're talking about dismantling, which is uh the topic here, it it's that desire in midlife starts to decline. Right. And I'm sure for some people, maybe it does, right? But that's not always true. You know, it's do you think I mean I think that relationship is out there?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I think when we have we're in relationships, uh, this is I'm thinking more romantic relationships, really, when we're talking about this, because think about the the trajectory of a relationship, right? It's like typically in the olden days, like back in the you know, 1700s, 1800s, whatever, people were married as part, they were more business contracts. And you know, they had expectations to have babies or do whatever, but they didn't even know each other a lot of the time. So how do you so there's no intimacy developed when they're getting married, and when you see things like that. Um I think in our uh society today, people typically will get married or be together because they have this intense love for each other, and that is something without constant nurturing is going to fade over time in the way that you knew it. It's like stage people go through stages in relationships. So if you've been married 20 years, you have a different level of intimacy than you did when you were been married for six months. You're you're probably knocking boots like all the time when you've when you've been married for six months, you know. Yeah, you've been six years, whatever. But that kind of starts to fade over time. So something else is going to be replacing it. Or if there is a a medical problem with one person, or you know, someone gets sick or things like that, you're taking care of that person that you love is an intimate for yeah, definitely. Yeah, so it's not always about sex, it's about different levels of intimacy that people can have. So, yes, I do think that physical desire does fade over time. Um, it evolves and changes, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

It's different, just yeah, it is different, and I'm I'm listening to some of the things that you were just talking about. I I mean that just was kind of prompting my thought on that as far as you know, the physical desire. It may, I just think that it's it's different and it evolves and that intimacy changes, just like to your point. You you are gonna be caring for somebody, not just when they're sick, but in different ways, you know, with based on different things that they're going through in life, things that couples go through with their children, and and that brings a kind of intimacy, you know, within um a relationship, just different things like that. So I think that it almost in my mind when I think about some of these things, it grows. Intimacy tends to be more within a relationship than just the physical stuff. It turns into a lot of other things within that.

SPEAKER_00:

So I think the physical thing is absolutely 100% critical. I mean, and I think to develop some of these levels of intimacy we're talking about with a couple, they have to have had that base. It doesn't mean it's the same, you know, rabbit kind of stuff all the time, but over time it's like maybe it's not as often, but maybe it's just as intense, you know, or it you're in a place where you mix it up a little bit, and so there's nothing that's routine and it makes it more fun. I mean, there's a lot of ways to go about doing that, but to be with that person and adore that person for the rest of your life or for a long period of time, there has to be all this other stuff that's been developed through the course of your interaction, you know. So, um, and I do believe that like you see older couples, like couples that have been together for a long time and yes, love seeing that.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, so do I like holding handing hands, walking down the street, yeah, opening the door for yeah, I know, or just the way they talk about their sweetheart or whatever.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, you see, I mean, it just absolutely warms my heart when I have run across that because honestly, I don't think that that is something that people really see that often. Yeah, so when you do see it, it's kind of precious, you know, and it's and you can also tell, you know, with couples who have that mindset, you can kind of see it, you know, it's like they've grown up that way or they've grown together that way. So, anyway, just another thought on that. Anything else that you can think of on that topic?

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe another outdated idea would be that uh people think that we know what we want at this juncture in life, right? Are you talking about physically? You should already know what you yeah, like in in regard to intimacy, um, we should at this age know what we want. And sometimes I think that can be very situational. That's not always true based on our experiences that we've had in a relationship to this point in midlife, and whether we're with somebody or not with somebody to this point in midlife. So it could be that we've experienced a lot of different things and we really don't know what we want because we haven't experienced the thing that resonates with us.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, you maybe start to exposed to it or we're too afraid to experiment, you know, with things. I 100% agree with you on that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And having honestly, you know, and I'm just talking from a sex perspective here. It's like having been married at such an early age and living, you know, like the Catholic lifestyle where I was, you know, too afraid to do anything anyway. I didn't I was pretty innocent. Missionary only? Well, probably. I mean, it really was not very creative when you think about it from that perspective, right? Got the job done, but you know, it was not, I just didn't know any better. Yeah, you know, and so, and honestly, we didn't, you know, we were young, we were both young, so we didn't really both probably didn't know any better. Right. Um, and so as you get older, you start discovering things that you didn't necessarily know about before, and you're like, Oh hell, I had no idea that was going on out there. And it's like, oh, that would be something so cool to do with my partner, you know, or whomever. I wouldn't waste those things. on people that are you know not people that are committed in my life right I would I would save those for the the special people you know so special people are also special person how many special people you have in your life at one time right joking girl no I'm totally joking on that you know that no I know I'm an angel anyway um so that that's kind of what I was thinking about we you I don't think we as women necessarily know all the things that are that bring us pleasure and joy we don't and sometimes you have to be exposed to those things I think where we're starting to see with this spicy community is that women are way more open to learning about some of those things and if they're with a partner or not you know they're they're wanting to get to know and understand a little bit more about their bodies and what makes them tick and what brings them pleasure. And I think that's amazing because even saying it out loud it's like God I probably would have gone to jail 50 years ago for saying that out loud you know 20 years ago. Uh ho, you go to jail you know anyway. So we just wanted to cover a few of these things with all of you um and just kind of put them out there because there will be further discussion on intimacy. It's a it's really a very brilliant topic. It kind of is a really great topic and it's intimacy is something that just brings such incredible joy to your life when you understand what it's all about and you understand when it's happening, you know, and I know that sounds very fundamental, but we're not just talking relationships. We're talking or romantic relationships. I'm thinking about like we mentioned earlier the relationship with your children or the relationship with your family or your friends.

SPEAKER_01:

Intimacy can be uncomfortable too I mean it can be uncomfortable for some people depending on what their family relationships were you know somebody that grew up with maybe parents that weren't very loving and intimate and so that cycle will continue. So you know if you're struggling with intimacy in whatever kind of relationship that is you're thinking about think about something that you can step out of your comfort zone and maybe try this week whether it be with your partner maybe it is that uh you know connection with your eyes and and you know just patting them on the ass when you walk by them just something small that maybe you wouldn't normally do but that grabs their attention if you're uncomfortable with intimacy maybe just just try something or with your your children too you know taking a moment we we get so busy and caught up in life there's so many things that we're doing to keep all at the same time you know just take a moment and pause and have an intimate moment with your children if you've got them just just try something if it's out of the norm and and you know I dare you to be intimate this week.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah like an and just like a having a conversation with your little one about something that they're asking about because they haven't determined what they're not supposed to ask about yet you know right I just I think back on those days and I'm like oh my gosh it's like those were the best when they just have those wide-eyed looks at you and you have all the answers you know be very careful about how you convey them so anyway well thank you for your time everybody today this was kind of a fun one to get started on we will definitely be talking more about this and uh with our community and the women that are out there may probably get into a little bit more rough and tumble shit with this too because we really want to get down into the nitty gritty you know yeah get down and dirty get down on it anyway have a wonderful uh time talking to Michelle about what Michelle I was just gonna say really quick before we let you go check us out on all the socials we're on Facebook Instagram TikTok we have a lot of fun out there and take a little visit over to YouTube as well listen to us there you can also watch us over on YouTube and if you take the time to do that you might as well press the button and subscribe that's right just a friendly reminder.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah well we appreciate all of you and being with us and we will see you next week. Until then stay spicy bye people bye