37. You Deserve To Feel Wanted, Even When Life Gets Lifey

We unpack the gap between being needed and being genuinely desired, especially in midlife when routines, stress, and body changes can mute intimacy. We share scripts, tiny gestures, and a story about rejection that turned into a lesson on timing, expectations, and self-trust.

• difference between need and desire in long-term relationships
• how midlife changes and fatigue affect intimacy
• generational silence around women naming wants
• why vulnerability feels risky and how to handle rejection
• practical micro-cues to spark desire without pressure
• clear language for asking for what you want
• building desire from within before seeking validation
• resetting expectations and using humor to repair

Find us on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube. Please go ahead and hit that subscribe button. We would love to have you in our spicy community, launching soon—an online space for midlife women to share ideas and get into the nitty-gritty of being spicy in midlife.

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?! 

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Hey, all you spicy ladies out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City, bringing you all kinds of real life stories and no BS conversations about a variety of topics that you are going to love to listen to, right, Michelle?

Desired Versus Needed Introduced

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Oh, yes, that is right. We are here to help all you good life women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time. That's right. That's what we're gonna do right now. Okay, Michelle, what are we doing today? Diving into Do you desire to be desired?

SPEAKER_01 1:08

I like this. It is a little bit spicy. Oh my gosh. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you when was the last time you truly felt desired, not needed, not relied upon, but wanted?

SPEAKER_00 1:23

That's that's such a tricky question.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Okay, well, she just came back from seeing her man, so I'm sure she felt very desired at that point.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

I did, but there's a lot of crossover. This actually really made me think about the differences there. And I think it's something that we typically don't think about. Right. Because so much of what we do is habitual, yeah, you know, with regard to some of these things.

How Habit And Life Dull Intimacy

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Well, that's what we want to talk about today because I think women, as we have gone through the uh romantic stages of our relationships, uh, you know, when you're getting to know somebody and everything's like hot and bothered and da-da-da-da-da, and then you get married or you're living together, or you have kids and work and da-da-da-da-da. You guys all know what I'm talking about, right? It's like all of a sudden, it's like some things become kind of, I wouldn't say transactional, but the really important stuff that got you there in terms of the connection and that level of intimacy and you know, the looks you give each other, all those things kind of go by the wayside. Um, I know, I know it that's part of it. But I think too, it's like I can say for myself, you got so overwhelmed with all the shit that's in front of you that you are required to do that, and this is not a good way to look at it. I'm just gonna put this out here right now, that the those things that kind of keep that relationship going and keeping it the way you would have loved it to be kind of go by the wayside. You think, you know, sometimes when things are the strongest in your life, you think, okay, they don't, that doesn't need me. I need to be over here. I need to be dealing with this. I've got a sick kid, I'm doing whatever. And the relationship piece kind of puts on the shelf. People put it on the shelf, or they lose desire because of their body changing. There's a lot of different components to it. And men and women both. It's we're not talking just women, of course. Men as well.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Well, and I think that's uh especially true in midlife when you say it hits differently. I think that's especially true in midlife because of all the things that are going on physically that affect us emotionally as well. And that's why it's it's super important to be grounded and to have the confidence in those things within yourself.

Midlife Changes And Confidence

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Don't you think though, over you know, decades, or we're just talking about women and how women are perceived in general, having overtly overtly talking about desire or about what it is that turns you on, or about what you know makes you feel close to your partner is not something that has come naturally to people, especially in I think in early in your earlier ages. You don't really talk about that kind of stuff. What do you mean? I feel like what do you mean? I think women are more silent about their desires, more silent about what they yeah, what they want from their partners. And if they're too vocal about it, then it becomes something kind of different. Like, you know, maybe they're perceived as selfish, or maybe they're perceived as, you know, being a nympho, or maybe they're perceived as being demanding, you know, because they're not getting their you know what they want. So, but and that's not necessarily true, especially when you're talking about a long-term partner or someone that you're working on becoming a long-term partner for. I mean, this is such a basic fundamental of a relationship, really. That's how things get started typically.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

That's I mean, I've said it before and I will say it again. Nobody does it better.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

Yeah, but it's more fun sometimes when someone else is doing it, you know? That's all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

So the last time over here, over here, do you guys have a lot of things? You know, was the last time I got it all with myself, girl.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Just well, you got a little bit of a different circumstance too. So I know, you know. But going back to this, I think we do normalize the silence around this as women. I think as as we've moved into these newer generations, women are much more comfortable with their sexuality or becoming more comfortable. And women in midlife or people that are going into this, a lot of us were raised in households where this stuff wasn't discussed, or you were thought to be loose if you had any curiosity about it. I mean, it's I feel like it's a very different thing now.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

So crazy.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Just just just thinking about that. I think you're looking at me with loving eyes.

Generational Silence Around Desire

SPEAKER_00 5:49

You're so crazy. It's just so crazy. This listening to what you just said, and it could because it's so true. Yeah. I mean, we're Gen X women, right? Uh us Gen Xers that grew up 70s, and you're exactly right. Those things weren't discussed in in the home, and you were considered loose. God forbid that you had any curiosity about really what sex was about or what our bodies do and what gives us pleasure, just all those things. It's just kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Yeah. Well, and and if you kind of flip that over to we're speaking about from a woman's perspective, what men understand and know about what we desire. Yeah. That is that's kind of an an unknown for a lot of men too, because they've never really been taught how to determine what makes their person happy. They just think if they knock one out and roll over, they're good.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

And I'm telling you, we need more. I don't, yeah, I was gonna say, I think that's weirdly our generation, just like I was just talking about, I I think that's more our generation than what it is now. And I also think it's pretty situational and person-dependent.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

It can be, but I but to your point, I think that uh maybe it's generational to some degree, but I mean, there are still a lot of men out there that really haven't paid attention. It's like if a woman's going through menopause, then you know you're gonna have issues with dryness, you're gonna need blue, you're gonna need patience. You're gonna need patience. People have patience. Unless you have the unless you have the pellet, then you don't need patience. That's a whole nother topic. Anyway, so what this is what we want to talk about with you guys. We want to set this intention with all of you about the level of curiosity on this topic about being desired and not judged, because I think we place way too much judgment even on ourselves and women to women, women to women, do it as well. I mean, reality check here. But there's so much curiosity around this topic. And part of the issue, I think, is that we're in some respects afraid to be vulnerable, which we'll get into, and because that opens us up to a whole nother thing. And really, it's like when you're spicy and you are midlife, it's like, by golly, you are gonna probably be in a position once you're finished with us to be able to articulate exactly what you want, exactly what you need, not me teaching you. I'm just gonna give you some ideas. But you know what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

You know, I think this is why um uh there seems to be, I don't want to call it a trend, but I don't know if because I'm an older midlife woman and notice the uh maybe it is a trend, but of younger men that are really vibing on older women. There are a few of those out there. Just like listening to what you were just saying is is what was making me think of that. You know, younger men, they are definitely loving an older woman. And I think that is much more common than it used to be. And I think it's because of some of the things that you were just saying.

What Men Don’t Know About Women’s Desire

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Yeah. Yeah, I definitely think, and that's a whole nother episode topic. That is a whole nother episode topic. We'll have to do that, right? Yeah. They're maybe we'll do that one next or something. But yeah. On that note, though, let's talk about being desired versus being needed. And I think there are huge differences between that. And when we again going back into relationships, we are in positions where we might have to be caretakers for our children, might have to be caretakers for our significant other in some respects. There's nothing really sexy about that if you're not looking at it from a love perspective, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

You also have to be a problem solver. You might be dealing with all kinds of crap with your kids that is taking away from the essence of your coupledness.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Yeah, and those are the you're talking about being needed, right? Yeah. Those are the things. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

I mean, I think there's something, I know this is gonna sound really strange, but when it's like you're in this position, I I can think of a couple times when in my lifetime where I was like, I just needed like I needed a big old fat hug, and I'm just like, everything's gonna be okay, and it was gonna be taken care of. And I trusted that it was, and it was the best feeling ever when you knew someone had whatever the situation was and had your back. You knew it was the most comforting feeling. And part of that to me is about that's about intimacy and about desire in that part of the desire is to take care of you as their person. It's like there's nothing that kind of comes close to that feeling, right? But we're not talking about we're just talking about everyday stuff, like your life as you live it during the day. Think about your schedule, think about getting up in the morning, feeding the dogs, getting your shower, getting your coffee, getting the kids ready for school, making sure their lunches are packed. I mean, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Yeah. And it's like, God forbid you give your husband a quickie in the morning, you know? Yeah, those, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Oh, yeah. Those are needs. Lushing? No, but uh you're you're talking about all those things, and I'm like, that's so true. And those are all needs. But as you say those things, I think as you carry out those responsibilities and the way that things are needed, whether it's pets, it's kids, it's your husband, it's life in general, all those life, life gets really lifey. And as you're doing those things, I think that those needs, depending on how you do it, can really bring on some of those desires as as a woman, even in midlife. It can you, you know, how you carry that out can really um impact how you're being desired. If you're doing it as, you know, oh fuck, it like, you know, if you're doing it with this big, like, is this heavy chore and you don't like doing it, you're not enjoying it. And it's it's this. Is this what is all about? You know, then uh that can affect that desirability, I think, to a certain degree. Does that mean we have to fake you know, everyday life? No, I I I don't think so, but it's just I don't know, as you were saying that, I just kind of made that um alignment there with how some of the some of the ways that we carry carry out those needs can affect how we're seen as, you know, when it comes to being desirable. Yeah.

Curiosity, Judgment, And Vulnerability

SPEAKER_01 12:27

So think two separate things and needed. You're the caretaker, you're the problem solver, like I mentioned before. You are you're the partner, but you're you're dealing with, like you said, life stuff, right? Whereas being desired is kind of a different thing. It's you're being seen, you're being chosen, you're being wanted, you know, those things go a long way. And it might just be something really, really simple, you know, that your partner's able to do to make you realize how much they do feel about you or do desire about you. But a lot of that stuff just like I said before, it's like it kind of goes by the wayside when other things come in and everybody just assumes, oh, it's there, they know, you know, yeah, they know how I feel. And it's and it's with women, I think too, we have a lot of body dysmorphia in our world. And it comes from a lot of different factors, you know, how we were raised, the media, what we see, and having to think that we always have to be this skinny, perfect little thing with perfect little boobs and perfect little buttons, you know, all these kinds of things because that I know, but that's what I'm saying. It's like they think, okay, I put up weight because I had a kid, and now all of a sudden my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I mean, these are the kinds of things we're talking about here. Right. You know, or I I don't feel like I want to have sex with my husband, and so he's not feeling desired. It has nothing really to do with him, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

It has to do with the fact that I'm going through body changes, confidence shifts, invisible exhaustion, the way we carry these things out is, you know, that's going to have an effect on losing desire for others if others are losing their desire within you. And I think because, you know, there's that numbness that comes with those everyday monotonous things that come with needs that everybody has that we're doing, you know, it's kind of exhausting.

Younger Men, Older Women: Why It Clicks

SPEAKER_01 14:15

And when you think about coming home from work and, you know, you've been dealing all day with a bunch of bullshit, probably, or high-level stress stuff. And it's like you're supposed to come home to your home safe haven, and then you come home and you're making dinner and you're doing homework, and then you do all these things, and it's like everybody needs a piece of you, except you know, you can figure he'll get his piece later, or she'll get his her piece later because and then later you're tired and everybody falls asleep. And that's kind of the the whole thing about desire that you have to really it's really a lot of how you articulate.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

It well, and it can be risky, yeah. How well I I think the vulnerability that is involved with being wanted, desiring, you know, hence what this episode is all about, desiring to be desired can feel risky and sometimes maybe even selfish for the reasons you were just saying, because there can be that after all those exhausting things, there is the possibility that lies there, the the fear of being rejected, right? Or making, you know, being made to feel like it's inconvenient or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

And I'm talking about ever want that to feel that way.

Needed Roles Versus Feeling Wanted

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Right. So I I I I kind of appreciate the fact, like I'm saying, there's that risk that is involved. So as I don't know, as women, if you're going into that, it's it's take it, take it as risky. And you know, if if rejection is there or um, you know, disappointment comes in in those moments, um, it just, you know, it has to be with that overall big picture of all the pieces of this puzzle of life, right? That have to do with what is happening there. And it doesn't have any reflection on whether you're desirable or not desirable, right? Well, but how do they really know that? You don't really know that, but you know what? It's it's however you will go about the outcome of that and what you're feeling in that moment. You know what? If I get rejected, it's not because I am not a desirable woman. Let me know.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

What if you're getting rejected like over and over again? Well, I mean, what if you're trying to like trying to do some foreplay or trying to like give them compliments, slap them on the ass, whatever, you know, and you're not getting anything back.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Well, then we're just not gonna do anything for a while and see where that takes us.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

She's gonna hold off sex. That's what she's gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

We're gonna hold it hostage. My God, we're holding that hostage, man. Yeah. I I I mean, again, nobody does it.

Daily Chores And The Desire Drain

SPEAKER_01 17:01

I I think those kinds of things, it's like when you feel like you're rejected, especially in in an in a space we I feel like we're vulnerable. Like after you've had kids and stuff, your body changes, all these kinds of things, and you make an effort to like I'll give you an example. I'm gonna give this example. This is kind of like I can't believe I'm doing this, but there was a period of time where I had gotten this. One of the gals I worked with, we got these this book, right? From the the toy store. And the book was like a regular, looked like a notebook kind of a thing, but inside of it were all of 50 different pages. The pages were sealed. And this was for you to have with your partner. And then when you unsealed the pages, that was whatever fantasy or whatever activity you were going to do that just kind of brought a little spice back into your life. And so I'm thinking I'm all that and a bag of chips, you know. I'm going, oh I'm gonna give this a try. And so I've got my little book and I'm coming home and I'm gonna, I'm gonna interject a little bit of like something, something into all this, right? And my husband at the time was well, it's the only husband I had, but he was the only one I've ever had. Yeah. Plus his little heart. Yeah. He was he's a he's a type A dude, right? I don't know how else to say it. And he was studying for a very, very important exam. And so we're not talking like leisure studying. It was literally like I go to work, I come home, I study for the rest of the night. And I've got all of these, I've got these kids I'm dealing with, I'm working full-time, all this kind of stuff. There's literally no time left for anything else. We weren't making the time for it. So I had gotten the kids to a sitter. He knew nothing about this. He's in the den studying with the door closed, and I'm like, hey, do you think maybe you could take a little break in a little while? And he looks, he gets up from looking at his books, he looks at me. I'm totally, I'm totally interrupting him, clearly. But I'm like, it's okay, he'll be happy about it, right? And uh, yeah, sure, that's fine. So I went and I went and followed all the things with the book, right? All the little things you do to preempt all of these things. I'm like, okay, take your break. He was not in, he was not into it at all. His head was so focused on what he was doing, and I really took it like I was the problem. Like he just didn't want to have anything to do with me. I was so devastated and so hurt by this that I literally put the major this major wall up. It had never really happened to me before. But I'm like, what the fuck? I'm basically lining this shit up, and he'd rather go study. Hello, you're not getting any from now on.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

But is isn't it crazy to think about that now? Because looking back, do you feel differently? Just listening to that. I'm I wasn't thinking about what was going on with him. Exactly, exactly. Like in in that time and moment. And as you move on through life and and move on through different experiences that help you realize that that I mean, that's not the end all be all. But in my mind at the time, I thought it was the time. I know. At the time.

SPEAKER_01 20:00

So who's gonna resist me doing all this shit for them, right? Oh okay. I was being funny. I mean, I mean kind of. Yeah. But no, seriously, it's like it was like an effort. It's like if if a man did that for me. That's very disappointing. Yeah, very disappointing. I would pointing. I would stop studying. That's just me though. I'd be like, yeah, I gotta get back to it in a half hour, but let's go, you know, kind of a thing. Yeah. Anyway, so I I think that there's a lot of things that we Anticipate might happen in terms of being rejected and they won't happen, but you're very hesitant about what you will do to what no, I was just it's making me think about the an an episode that we just recently did about expectations.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Yeah. Because I think there's a lot of expectations surrounded by that and and what we want that outcome to be. So I'm I mean, case in point, what we were talking about, you know, if you go into it with just a fun, flirty attitude, it is what it is.

Rejection, Risk, And Expectations

SPEAKER_01 21:02

But a lot of a lot of it with desire too, as I as you're talking about that, just to point out, is that it's also the way your person looks at you and you know, the little text message about hey, what you wearing, kind of a thing. You know, little things like that. They I'm telling you, make the huge difference.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Going going into a no pressure. You know, you know what I like to do is every once in a while I'll take a picture, like especially if I'm wearing a dress.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

Oh girl.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

No, and it's just it's a little something. I take a picture when I'm in my car, I I do like an aerial shot of of what I'm looking like sitting in the car seat with. Oh, that's not what I thought you were gonna be taking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. It is like weighted, coachy, but yeah, but you know, it's just like, you know, my dress and my legs, and you know, you got the steering wheel, and it's just a little, just a you know, just a little something, something. And and it's surprise, surprise. Yeah, surprise, surprise. But you know, just a little just a little something. But going into it without the expectations, I think, and and and just having a mindset of fun, flirty, whatever the outcome is, those expectations are huge. I know that's not what we're talking about in this episode, but I think that's a huge part of what some of these circumstances I think are in light of that too.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

It's like women, we all need to be a lot more clear on what we want. Oh, and we we're very hesitant because it's like, oh gosh, I don't want to say what I want. It's like I really would love to hear you tell me that I'm beautiful more. Or I would really love to have you be more spontaneous about blah, blah, blah. I mean, it's like if they don't know, I mean, men are kind of dense sometimes, you know.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

I mean, that's why it's so important that's why it's so important that you know.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Girl, but if you know and they don't know, it's not really fair to them, you know. If they're if they're you're ex going back to the expectation, if you're expecting that they're gonna know because you're, you know, that's that's what I'm saying. It ain't happening. I know. Thomas you just gotta lay it out. And then they're like, oh, sweet, I had no idea, you know, kind of a thing. So anyway.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

What are what are some ways then that you can maybe reclaim if you know, kind some of the stuff we're talking about, if it's not happening, what are what are some ways you think that you can reclaim that desire without pressure? I think gentle ways to reconnect, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

Mixing things up a little bit. Um, you know, maybe try something new to wear and wear it to bed. Like backdoor kind of stuff, crotches kind of shit, whatever. You know, it's like you could you could just, you know, something that's they're gonna go, oh, oh, hi, you know, that nothing that they were expecting, right? Which is kind of cool because you just love catching up. Yeah. Um, and also kind of thinking about what what turns them on. It's like, you know, you could do the there's this guy on Instagram that I listened to. He's like, I don't know if he's a sex coach or what he is. He's just like he's hilariously funny because he gets into it. And that the end he always says, save this, do this. He tells you exactly what to do, when to do, how to do it. And it's like if you want anyway, so I kind of watch that one. I I like that guy. Um, but think about it, it's like you know, drawing your finger down his chest all the way down to his, you know, like band on his shorts or his pants, and then just back up, just give him the look.

The “Sealed Pages” Story And Insight

SPEAKER_00 24:28

And then slowly putting your pointer finger in just a little bit. Pulling the band there.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah. So anyway, that would be kind of an example. I think little sweet things too that have, you know, a little bit of nib double entendres with them, or little things that are kind of they can take different ways, like with text messages, or you can put a little note in their pocket, or you can put something on their steering wheel, or you know, there's just yeah so many different things to keep that energy going.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

I think too, desire is something that has to start within, right? Something that is in internal and not with the other person. Right. If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

Well, you have to feel desirable. I mean, I I feel like you need to feel desirable in order to identify what it looks like.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Well, and you have to want more and something new and and different things like that. So but it's not necessarily equated to validation.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

You're not looking for validation.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

This is all with it.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Yep, nope.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Uh-uh.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

This is yeah, I 100% agree with that. And frankly, honoring yourself because you know what makes you feel desirable. Yeah. And you don't always, you don't need someone else to tell you what makes you feel desirable. You know.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

You know, you know.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

We've talked about these things before.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

So anyway. Well, I just uh like I said, if there's if there's uh anything, you know, you're questioning about whether uh with regard to needs and desires, and you know, the needs are gonna be there on the daily, right? Those are gonna be on the daily because they habitually happen. So the desire factor, you know, just like dive within if you know you're desirable and you you gotta go on on just like we were just talking about, it's having fun, being flirty with it, and knowing that you are and having the confidence to proceed with the things in your relationship that are making you feel just that.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

A lot of the things that we're talking about here are desires that you may have had with your person, the desires you have for yourself. Maybe you disconnected from some of those things because life got lifey, and now you got to figure out how to reconnect those things. And really the most important piece is reconnecting to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Well, and I think you have to allow yourself, you have to allow yourself to be desirable. Right. And you might have to open yourself up to things in in regard to reciprocation with your partner.

SPEAKER_01 27:15

So yeah, absolutely. You know, just take off the granny panties and try something different or you know, whatever the case may be. I I I know how hard it is when you just feel like not yourself. And I think a lot of us women go through that desirable. Because it's not going to necessarily be the same today as it was when you know you were younger.

Flirt Without Pressure: Micro-Cues

SPEAKER_00 27:34

Yeah, definitely transitions. So on that note, I just want to remind everybody that they can find us out on all the socials. Really? Yes, you really can. Uh, Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. That's where we have a lot of our fun. But also, if you want to watch our episodes, you can see us over on YouTube. And if you do choose to do that, please go ahead and hit that subscribe button. And we would love to have you in our spicy community, which I also want to say, yeah, we we have a uh community that you will start hearing more about because it's coming in the next probably month and a half, two months, uh, something like that. And it's definitely something that you can choose to be a part of. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be an online community with uh a lot of spicy midlife women where we can, you know, share ideas. Yeah, getting the nitty-gritty of what it means to be spicy in midlife. So looking forward to that.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it too. We're gonna have a lot of fun. We have a lot of amazing women that are following us and listening, and we're really excited to kind of get to know them better too. So on that note, we uh leave all of you and uh we look forward to chatting with you again next week. Until next time, ladies, peace out. Stay spicy and oh yeah, stay spicy. Stay spicy. It just kind of goes the territory. Okay, later. All right, bye, bye.