41. Embrace Your Evolving Midlife Identity

'Midlife isn't a destination; it's a recalibration. In this episode, Julee and Michele explore the shifting identities of women in their 40s and 50s.

We discuss:

• The Reset: Why midlife is the perfect time to reintroduce yourself to yourself.
• Communication 101: How Julee ditched her passive-aggressive "snark" for direct honesty.
• Urgency & Authenticity: Michele’s realization about having more years behind than ahead.
• The Guilt Factor: Why we struggle to make ourselves a priority and how to stop. 
• The Empty Nest: Navigating the transition when the house (finally) gets quiet.

Watch the full video version on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Spicymidlifewomen-jandm

Connect with us: 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@spicy_midlife_women 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/spicy_midlife_women 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/share/1KU6N5SdMH/

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?! 

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life. 

Transcript

Welcome From Seattle & Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hey all you spicy life women out there, Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City where the Seahawks reign, bringing you all kinds of stories and obs conversations. And uh yeah, that's what we're doing. What are you doing, Michelle? Oh, we're doing it.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

We're coming in hot doing it too.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Yes, girl.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

That's right, Jules. So we're here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, stitch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time. So let's do that now.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

All right. Well, we're we're on our 40th episode here. Yeah. Isn't that awesome? It is awesome. I love it. And we continue to talk about things that are really they resonate with us, but they also seem to be resonating with our audience quite a bit, some of the feedback that we've been getting. So we're kind of excited about that.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

I think what's interesting about a lot of the stuff we talk about too is how overarching it is and how intertwined it is, and how many really like offshoots there are with regard to even some of the same things, but there's so many facets to it.

Midlife As Recalibration

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah. Yeah. So well, there's there's been a couple of women that I know that I think I'd mentioned this to you, Michelle, who had just started listening and they're both going through very interesting times in their lives, you know, one through a really bad breakup, and it's been super helpful for her to kind of, you know, listen to some of these things to get herself grounded again. And the other one, just trying to figure out the single life, you know, as a woman who's in her early 50s and what that looks like. And uh so anyway, just a lot of really good stuff. I'm excited about it. Anyway, what are we talking about today?

SPEAKER_02 2:07

With that, some more good stuff. And what we're gonna dive in today is all about midlife and kind of the evolving identity that shifts for us, right? And I think it's important to remember that midlife is really a time for what? Recalibration. It's like a reset, and you don't even realize it. That's the thing, is like you don't even realize that you're either thinking about all the things that would require you to do that, or you're doing some of them without even realizing, you know.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

You realize that, oh my gosh, it's like I don't really need to be worrying about that or doing that anymore. I don't really should anymore. I'm not doing it. And that's kind of the evolution I think that things happen. I think we were talking about this before getting started too. And one of the one of the things we had been chatting about was the changes that we are seeing in ourselves. Really, it's not even anything very specific, but it's just more along along the lines of that recalibration or evolution of your thought process. And it just shows up. And so for all of you ladies out there listening, it's like we want you to understand this is not like a black and white thing. It's a very thing, you know. And it's something that everybody does a little bit differently and approaches things a little bit differently and um and at different stages, frankly, of your your midlife experience because you may be looking at it much later at the midlife or much, much earlier. Uh, you know, everybody's different.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

So and again, it's not a number. I'll just bring you back to that. Midlife is just about the mindset and it's not about the number. Everybody has, to Julie's point, different things going on based on all the circumstances of their journey. But the identity thing, some of some of what I think we evolve through are all very we have we have a lot of them in common, right? As as midlife women, whether it be career changes or shifts that happen with parenting, I mean the empty nest stuff that starts happening, how we're aging, our aging bodies, so many things that would cause shifts and changes in what our priorities are. Right, right.

Identity Shifts And Priorities

SPEAKER_00 4:26

Well, I mean, it's priorities, but it's also, you know, looking at um these changes is like we said before, not being black and white, but being more transitional and in gray areas. There are some things that I think are a little black and white, like the empty nesting thing we're talking about, unless you've got them coming and going, you know, like we kind of do in in the Northwest, a lot of it has to do with the housing costs and you know, just the cost to live and everything. So you start seeing, you see a lot of people with kids that are in their early mid-20s that are still kind of in the revolving door a little bit. Yeah. I don't know that's everywhere, but I I definitely noticed that here, um, kind of helping, helping out a little bit more maybe than it's happened in the past. But yeah, that's the one area that I think I can recall going into this thought process of being, quote, an empty nester and going, Holy shit, what does that mean? I mean, I was actually kind of frightened by it because to me it felt like it was this chapter that I was being forced into, you know, like when you're an empty nester, and all of a sudden you're like doing other things, like being a pickleball or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

I know. There's so many things that we hear about it. And I think until you actually are experiencing it, it's a whole other thing because it's gonna be different for everybody in regarding identity and how it evolves through midlife. I think a lot of it happens naturally.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Do you think there's tension that kind of correlates with that transition that we experience? Like we well, is it a struggle internally or is it a struggle externally? I think both. Yeah, I think so too. I think both. Because you're not only making adjustments and changes like we've talked about with your standards and expectations, stuff like that, and other episodes, where people are looking and you're going, okay, that's different than I'm accustomed to from her. Um to you know, just being okay with things and going with the flow with things, you know. I'm finding myself being a lot more a lot less, I should say, like overthinking on some of these things. Like I'm such an overthinker, and there's some topics that I will definitely overthink on, and it's just naturally that I do that for whatever reason, whatever baggage I'm carrying with me. But um some things I just don't. I thought I would, or I uh I just kind of don't give things a lot of energy that I maybe would have 10 years ago, you know.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

So I I think when I think of 10 years ago, I think there were more circumstances to consider when it came to making some of those decisions. Yeah. I know we're not talking about specific decisions, but I'm just thinking 10 years ago, some of the decisions I was making, a lot more things to consider at that time than there are now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

Well, you have just basically yourself to consider.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Well, that that's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Well, and Rick, I mean, and your guy.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

You have your guy to consider too. Yeah. With the decisions you're making. But it's like really, I mean, I make I'm making decisions for myself. And as much as I don't want to, I do think about how my kids are going to be affected. Now, do I act upon that? Not all the time, because yeah, damn it, it's not their life anymore. They've sucked the life out of me for so long. Now it's my turn, you know? So just joking, they really don't suck the life out of me. No, I don't think they do. No, I don't think they do.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

There's times. Just there's times.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Yeah. Sorry, guys. I think we all have that. Yeah. Maybe I suck the life out of them. I don't know. Um, I'll never be that mom. I'll never be that mom. But anyway, do you feel like there's a part of yourself that you've outgrown in these last several years, like in your midlife time frame that you haven't really acknowledged or admitted to yet? That I haven't admitted to yet. Or acknowledged. Same thing, kinda. Yeah, kind of. There's things you probably have less tolerance for that you've outgrown.

SPEAKER_02 8:19

Yeah, there there are. I'm I'm not as quiet and silent as I used to be.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Mm-mm.

Empty Nest Fears And Reality

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Is there a part of you that has kind of outgrown something that or grown matured in it, maybe, or become less tolerant of that you haven't really acknowledged yet, that you're just starting to figure out?

SPEAKER_02 8:40

I would say that I have become more vocal than I used to be. And I really just in the last year have started to realize that, if you want to call it realization or admitting to it, whatever it might be. But I think my siblings in my the family I grew up in have probably seen some of that as well as my kids and in with my own family, that I'm not just quietly going about things like I used to. I used to do that a lot. Yeah. And I've had to learn how to navigate a lot of different personalities because we're all getting older. Yeah. Right? My kids are getting older. They have significant others. My siblings were we're all getting older and going through these evolutions, if you will, in midlife, whether you're a man or a woman. So um I think I have become more vocal and yeah, I think it's been a good thing though. I think it's been a a really good thing for me and for them.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Yeah, I would say so. I would say kind of the same thing. Um I was always very uh, I wouldn't say rigid, but a little bit more conservative about things that had to do with like sensuality or sexuality. I just didn't talk about them. Didn't really, you know, just didn't really like had a vibrator, but you know, just like hid it kind of a thing, you know. But now I hid it or hid it. Hid it. Hid it. I thought you were hitting it, girl. Well, no, no. Well, probably yeah, that too. But I'm just saying it's like it was something that it was like I didn't even bring around my husband or anything like that. Now I'm just like, I don't even care. You know, it's like I have a completely different look or feel on those things, and it's a kind of liberating feel on those things. I'm telling you, the words that you're using to just sell as a horndog. Fuck, feel on those things, anyways. Yeah, she needs to take a trip to the toy store.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

I got you though. I I understand. That's actually a really good one because I could say the same. Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

I could say nobody does it better.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

That's her favorite line. But it's it's true, because yeah, that's definitely been an evolution, and we've talked about that in many, well, more than a few episodes. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

But an evolution that has been very, uh, I think pretty healthy for me anyway. I mean, I think it scares the hell out of my kids. They're like, oh my god, I am not listening to that, you know. And I'm just like, then don't listen to it. I don't care, you know. But it's, you know, one of those things where they maybe I didn't talk about it enough with them either. So I just kinda or it's just was not, it was not, you know, it's not stuff that wasn't discussed. You didn't talk about it. We're a Catholic girl that you know, just like, you know, the whole the whole nine yards. And so as an older woman now or as a more mature woman, I just feel like it's important to be who you are in that regard and even talk about it, talk about what you need. We've talked about that before. Talk about what you want, and it's not about being like overly sexual. It's not I'm not really meaning that, it's more just being more direct, you know, and ideas and things.

Tolerance, Boundaries, And Voice

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Well, and I think at this point also in life, as we are here in midlife, it becomes there's more of a sense of urgency for those things. And I'm not talking about the vibrators and all that shit. I just mean in general, those those things for you to be able to feel joy and really be authentic to to who you are and to act on those things. Because I tell you, it's really kind of strange. I don't know why I've more lately than before been thinking about the fact that I have less years ahead of me. Stop, I know, right? Than I have behind me, but it's it's it's kind of like nothing's promised, Michelle.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

I mean, it's like I know you can be 34 years old and dead, you know, and you haven't lived half your life. I know. So I I understand what you're saying.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

And that's why the sense of urgency, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

It's like I have to hurry up and have more orgasms.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

So you just have to hurry up and get them all in, right? Is that what you're saying? Act on act on what brings you joy and do those things and be authentic and figure that shit out because you you don't have a lot of time. To Julie's point, tomorrow is never promised. So I mean, jump on that.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

And I feel like there's definitely some additional living that we have wanted to do because I've I I wouldn't say I led a repressed life, but it's like I led a very, I wouldn't say conservative. It was more just like it wasn't for me. I mean, meaning it wasn't for But we didn't know. Well, I I didn't know what I didn't know, right? And there's a lot of women out there that are like that, but I'm saying I lived to take care of other people. And I'm not trying to be a martyr, I'm not saying it for that reason. It's like I tried to be selfish and I was probably very selfish at different times, you know. But but the reality was it's like that was I didn't put me as a priority. I just really didn't. You know, like I it was if I got a massage, I was thinking I was putting myself as a priority, but really I wasn't it's hard, I know, and it it's hard to do that.

SPEAKER_02 13:38

I mean, let's let's be real. Let's be real. And and during those times, it's hard not to feel that way. So I I I I can understand why people, why women feel that way when they are getting time for themselves. This is why we're spicy midlife women though, because we're here to tell you to do it and not feel guilty. Right. We did it and felt guilty. So here we are to, you know, help you do a better job than we did and know that it's okay to step away and do those things.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

There are feelings that are thrown at women for doing exactly what we're talking about and having them be categorized as selfish. And so when you get into this whole midlife thing, you may still have your children around. You may, you know, you're 40 years old or whatever. You've got your kids around, you've got a house, you're in the middle of the shit. I'm telling you, it's like those years are such a blur to me. And I don't, I it's like you have to kind of go back and say, what would I have done differently? I don't know that I would have done anything differently because I wouldn't have known any better to do it. Now that I knowing what I know, I would have probably restructured a lot of things to look differently so I could have remembered more, could have enjoyed more. And I'm not regretting all those things. It's just is what it is at this point, where I just don't want other people to have that same type of experience. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

So let's talk about uh because this is, you know, our evolving identities in general, overarching, big picture. With that, an evolution, part of that definitely is is being self-expressive, I would say. So why do you think it's so important to do that, especially when it comes to relationships? And I'm talking, I'm I'm talking all of them, you know, romantic partnerships, there's the family relationships, you know, friendships, all those things, workplace relationships, like to be true to self-expression.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

Well, because otherwise it's like you're wearing a mask, you know, you're around these people, you put on a you put on kind of the like you were saying, the show.

SPEAKER_02 15:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

You know, you're doing what you need to do to get through the day. And I'm not saying that every day is like that. I mean, there's some days obviously we all do that. We've all done it. Definitely. We've all do it. You know, you you do obligatory things because you're supposed to, and you don't necessarily always enjoy them, or you know, you you you take on more sometimes as a woman in with a family in particular, or someone who's got a really, really big job. Maybe they don't have a family, but their job is their family, or you know, whatever they've got going on. And you put on your game face. I say you have your game face on most all the time when you're out in the public eye, or if you're in your work, because you take that off. You can tell when you come home, you're exhausted. You're just wanting to put your feet up and you're wanting to chill. And then the people at home don't get the same energy that the people at work got, you know, because you've exhausted everything that you've had. And it's like now you and your people at home are supposed to be the ones that understand, but there's a point in time where they're being like, Well, where do I fit in? You know, I want a piece of that too. I want to spend that kind of time with you too, but you just are you're just out, your bucket's empty, you know. And that's what we need to try to figure out how to avoid or help people figure out how to avoid.

Sexual Self-Expression And Liberation

SPEAKER_02 16:54

Yeah, and and that's where that the the self-expression, being self-expressive and being able to communicate with in your relationships, I think is super super important because if you don't, that's where resentment starts to happen. Yeah, you start feeling emotionally drained because if you just shut down and and you know keep it all within and you don't express some of the things, the needs, wants, and desires, or some of the stuff that you need to get back, that's that's where that will start to build up and then eventually explodes.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Yeah. I think the res resentment is probably one of the biggest relationships you'll see out there, whether it be romantic relationships in particular, I think, because people will harbor things, especially women. We keep score a lot of the time. It's like they're it's not Do we? Yeah. I mean, I'm joking. I'm much better at that than I used to be. I was very much a keeper score person, which is not healthy at all to do. But if you're feeling like you're the one giving all the time and you're never receiving, or there's no reciprocation, no reciprocity whatsoever, it's like of course you're gonna get, you know, you're gonna get resentful. You're gonna feel like, why the hell should I continue to do this? Why should I like, you know, fuck this guy, whatever. What your husband or boyfriend or whatever, when he's like, you know, not giving me the time of day. It's like, this is why these things happen, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:17

Well, I and I just wanted to bring up for maybe some of you that are newer to our audience, we do have an episode. I I don't know the number. I apologize because it's just coming to me right now that I should talk about this. But we did do an episode on love languages. It's one of our very first, yeah. It's it's like one of our very first episodes. So you should, if you're not familiar with that, or if you are and you want a refresher, you should go check that out and and listen to that because a lot of that even has to do with what we're talking about and being able to express within your relationships how to keep your cup full, if you will.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah. Understanding what makes your partner's cup full. It's not necessarily always the same thing as yours. That was when we were a blonde, Burnett, and a mic before we had rebranded to the current podcast. And I want to say it was like episode like three or four. It was very early on. It was very early on. But I think we're probably gonna be revisiting that because we went pretty high level on it, and there is so much there, there's so much good information there that can help you kind of understand and get to know a little bit more about the person that you're supposed to be in love with and care about or something you want to get to know better, you know?

SPEAKER_02 19:29

So yeah. Do you have um a time where you did express a new, I don't know, truth or something that strengthened you or challenged you within a relationship? Can you can you think of a time where you shared something like that? And what was the result? Well, that's a great question.

Urgency, Joy, And Owning Desire

SPEAKER_00 19:50

I would say there has been, so this is going back a little ways, but I can recall this. This is not a good thing really, but it's something that I think is but was very helpful to me. What like to your evolution, right? Yeah, to how they reacted. Yeah. Um, was I had a very difficult time expressing what I wanted or what I was bothered by or what I was feeling resentful about. And so my way of expressing those things would come across as passive aggressive. And I never had really understood that, you know, I had never nobody had ever said that to me until this one person said that to me, and I'm kind of like, huh? And I never really acknowledged that before, right? And so it really made me take a look at the way that I was communicating those things because instead of instead of like really saying what was on my mind in a kind way or in a way that was getting the right attention, I was snarky. I'd be snarky about something, or I'd make a joke, but it wasn't really a joke. You know, there's always some truth behind every joke.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

I'm I am like I'm I'm taking taking it, I'm admitting it. I I still do that. You do not that much. I do. I do that really mostly in the workplace. But yes, I I do but same, same. I had somebody point that out to me uh and they were just made that comment. They actually just came out and said, Well, that was really passive aggressive.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

But see, it's and it's like when you hear that, it's a very negative connotation.

SPEAKER_02 21:14

Totally caught me off guard.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

But yeah, but in a way, and it's and this had been and it was said to me in love. It wasn't said to me in a way to be mean to me or anything like that. It was more like I was being hurtful by not being direct and by being snarky. And so I had to step back from that and go, ooh, you know, okay. I guess that okay, I guess I'm doing that.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

I think it's so interesting because in with this midlife journey that we have with paramenopause, menopause, all the things and all the hormones that are going off the charts and crazy and causing all kinds of chaos within us. You know, I I think to your point, some of those things you really have to be cognizant about because I I know I have been, even just recently, I'm like, okay, is this just me overreacting? Or do I just need to chill out and you know, step back and reassess?

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Yeah. Oh yeah. I didn't realize there's been some interesting conversations lately with some different people. It's like I am actually much more emotional than I have given myself credit for, or given my acknowledged, I should say. Because I try not to be so. I try to keep things objective and try to speak with, you know, without emotion or whatever, just because I want to be, you know, I don't want to be that. emotional girl kind of a thing. You know, where because it I really think that people don't necessarily take you as seriously when you speak from emotion. You know, if you have uh the ability to articulate your thoughts in a way where you're not using the words feel all the time, you know, you you probably will get your point across a little bit better or maybe in a way where people are not taking it in an offensive way.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

Yeah. I was going to say, but is it as understood? Because I'm totally emotional communicator.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

I'm a total emotional communicator.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Man, when she gets going, I'm telling you, I've no I have only seen her mad maybe once or twice. And I'm like, you do not want to be in the room. She's, you know, and and and the bombs are starting and the neck is going and the whole bit. But honestly, it's like when you know her, you would just be like that cannot be coming from her. So I understand what you're saying. But yeah, it's uh it's something that so and going back to the original question, it's like I think that was an evolution for me. Um because it was something I got called out on and it was definitely a negative way that I was communicating. And I mean don't get me wrong it's not like I don't slip once in a while probably and do it, but I definitely try to catch myself. Yeah. You know?

SPEAKER_02 23:36

Yeah. So I mean that's the the cool thing about all of this is that who we are now and dur you know as we evolve it's not like the set in stone fixed things, fixed mold that we have to fit into. And I think the people in our lives that really love us can handle what what those changes evolve to.

From Martyrdom To Self-Priority

SPEAKER_00 24:00

I think because we're still who we are. Yeah the thing the thing that's kind of important to point out there too is as we've kind of gotten into a different space in our lives, I think we're much more accepting of these faults that we have and and you're not like beating yourself up over it in the same way that you did when you were younger.

SPEAKER_02 24:20

This is very true.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Because it's like you know everybody's got 'em yeah everybody's got these issues whatever they are and it's like if you don't acknowledge that within yourself, it's like you're not doing yourself any favors. But not everybody's really ready to do that. No? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:34

I think that's like really high level, just like all the things that we've been talking about. And um you know there's there's uh more than a few episodes that we've done already um with regard to the midlife woman and the identity shifts and who benefits you know when you stay the same all of those things. But you know so just a reminder here give yourself permission to experiment yeah with hobbies with your style with so many things that that you have open to you at this time in life you know um it's like Julie traveling solo just different things that you you have thought about you've desired within your mind and in your heart act on some of those things.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Yeah even if there's something you're crazy or you're going through a midlife crisis do it. Yeah. Just do it. Just do it. Yeah. And then I want to talk a little bit about uh what's coming. We've mentioned this in a couple of our episodes so far and we've mentioned it here and there about our community but um it's pretty exciting you guys we will be rolling this out beginning of March and there will be a lot more in the next episode that will speak to it in the link where people can go and look at the information and sign up to a part of our our collective and we're really excited about what this is going to entail. There's so many women out there that are just waiting for it to come out. I cannot wait.

SPEAKER_02 25:56

Yeah it's gonna be a lot of fun it's a a membership community it's gonna be called the spicy collectives yeah next episode we'll talk a little bit more what all that will entail because y'all are gonna want to be a part of it.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

That's right. This is like our big tribe our big tribe that's like throughout the US and all other parts of the world so we're pretty jazzed about it. Tribin and vibing tribin and vibin there she goes finding something else to rhyme anyway. Well with that in mind Michelle I think we are on the socials right YouTube.

SPEAKER_02 26:25

Oh yes all the socials we we're over at YouTube if you check us out there please uh hit that button and subscribe Instagram please follow TikTok the same and we're on Facebook as well so go check us out we have a lot of fun over there and we know you will too yeah and take care everybody thanks so much for listening and we will be back with you next week with a little more information about the collective and another good topic. Until then though stay spicy spicy bye