42. The Unspoken Truth about Midlife Desires

Are you feeling restless? Good. It's not a midlife crisis—it's a midlife awakening.

In this episode, Jules and Michele tackle the unspoken truth about midlife desires. We discuss the wants and needs we often push down or judge ourselves for having, from craving deep emotional intimacy to simply wanting six hours of uninterrupted alone time.

If you've spent the last two decades shrinking your desires to "keep the peace" and make everyone else comfortable, it’s time to recognize how that silence breeds resentment. We talk about the guilt women carry when they try to put themselves first and share strategies for communicating your shifting needs to your partner.

Your next evolution is knocking at the door. Are you going to answer it?

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Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:29

Hey, all you spicy midlife women out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City. And we are your two Spicy Midlife women bringing you all kinds of real life stories and no BS conversations, right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Oh, yes, that is right. We are here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time.

Restlessness As A Wake-Up Call

SPEAKER_00 0:54

So let's get into it. We've got a good topic today, Duel. Right? Yeah, we do. Yes. The unspoken truth about midlife desires. Ooh. Yeah. See? It sounds really juicy.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

So if we could say out loud, we have got a good episode this week, don't we, Jules? Yes, we do. Yes, we do. And it's the unspoken truth about midlife desires. And that's going to talk about a whole lot of things. But can we just talk about one thing that nobody warned us about? Yes. Please. Well, I think that midlife doesn't kill us, right? I I think we always get this thing in our head where midlife is just miserable, right? And and really what it's doing is it is it's exposing us. Wouldn't you agree with that?

SPEAKER_00 1:49

I would say so. Yeah. I think it's definitely exposing us to things that we um really have maybe avoided thinking about or have been super busy that day and didn't want to deal with, you know?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

That's the thing that nobody warned us about. Right. So that that's what I that's what I mean when I say that. Um and I think typically when we feel restlessness, it's it's because we think something's wrong. Okay. And really when it comes to midlife, I think it's because it's waking us up. Yeah. It's not because something's wrong.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Well, I and we have to pay attention to that. We want we we might want more than what we have. We want to be more revitalized. We want to have more depth, you know, to our lives. And so yeah, that and the desires that correspond with that we've kind of gotten away from, you know, earlier on when we're really catering to a lot of other people, perhaps in our lives, our children, whatever, husband, wife, whatever. So yeah, no, I think it's definitely something that we need to just kind of scream from the rooftops, you know. There are a lot of desires in midlife that we maybe just put on the back burner because we think, oh, it's too late, we're too old, or we've got too many other responsibilities. There's too many people that are relying upon us. And that just really doesn't necessarily have to play into the narrative.

Desire Matures And Deepens

SPEAKER_01 3:06

Yeah. So that's the this episode. This is what we're talking about, right? It's gonna be about the desires that we want, but we don't say them out loud. Right. Hence the unspoken truth, right? We we don't say them out loud. We the ones we minimize, yeah, we we push down, we repress, the ones we judge because we think we shouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Or the ones are, oh my gosh, that's just way too much. Yeah, like that's gonna send my world into an orbit because it's so different than what I've normally done, that people are gonna scratch their head that love me and go, what the hell's wrong with you? You know, yeah. Can you tell that's happened to me? Anyway. Um, so yeah, we're gonna just uh focus on that. And I think what's important to note as we have kind of gone through a big portion of our lives at this point is that our desires don't really go away. You know, they might change. We might mature more into what our desires are than what they were before. They might have more depth to them because we've we need more, you know, we might want more in our lives. So it does pay, it does fade. I think uh passion cools in relationships, stability, you know, in our daily lives replaces excitement. All of these things, gratitude, being happy and grateful for what we have replaces wanting more or desiring more. It's kind of different. It shifts. Yeah. It's a shift that's my corner. My like this is where I'm gonna be, this is where I'm at, this is what I've created for myself. And I think what we're trying to get across to everybody is it doesn't really have to be that way. There's no reason to think that you can't desire more out of life just because you have uh raised your kids or because you are in the process of making a job change, or you know, that your life is too complicated because you only get one. And I think that's where we have to really talk about the desires that we have and trying to fulfill as much of that as we possibly can in our lifetime so we need a good, you know, full-bodied, wonderful life. And it's gonna look different for everybody, you know, obviously.

From Approval To Freedom

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Well, it it does look different for everybody. We need to talk about too how if if you think about it, it kind of I I already used the word shift, so I'm gonna use that word again. The desires, uh, the way that we want and have those, it shifts. I think as you maturity too. As you move on, yeah, and you get into midlife because there's more emotional depth now in midlife, whereas before there was a lot more surface traction and you know lust, lust, if you will, uh, but surface attraction about a lot of things. And in this stage in life, there's more authentic connection that we have because we recognize the build less connections, but more authentic, more authentic ones. I would agree. Because I think a lot of times earlier on in life, you're doing a lot of performative roles in many situations, and now there's more intimacy as opposed to obligation, and that can be in relationship, that can be it with your family, your children, a lot of things. Intimacy just doesn't mean sex. Had many, you know, discussions about that in past episodes. But and then it can be sex. I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't mean solidation. No, we are spicy middle life women. I guess I will. Yeah, you know, yeah. You know, I think more now in in midlife the the desire has shifted to um freedom as opposed to, you know, not having the freedom because you're concerned about approval. Right, right. And uh yeah, there's there's just shift that happens. And I I actually kind of love that. Yeah, all of that really made makes sense to me.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Yeah, I would say in in midlife, we need to really discuss how our desires, they're not smaller necessarily at all. They're just maybe a little bit more specific. There's more intention behind it, and it's more honest. We've really kind of probably done a lot of soul searching about the things that are really important to us that we want out of our life. And so making those shifts so we can kind of enjoy things from a different perspective is really what I think is happening in midlife. Because you don't really think about these things when you're in the midst of the throes of raising a really young family or big career shifts and things like that. Most people do not have the capacity to do all of it at the same time. Or if they do their, you know, kind of Wonder Woman, I guess. And I always thought of myself as Wonder Woman, but I was so far from that it wasn't even funny. I was just trying to keep my head above water. So I understand where that's coming from. But I think more importantly is we're just less willing to fake it or to just go through the motions. That is definitely something that I have found for myself for sure.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yeah. Well, and I I think with that comes a lot. You mentioned being more honest about things. And I think we have to, it's important to be honest about the desires as well that uh we don't admit to, if that makes sense.

Naming The Unspoken Wants

SPEAKER_00 8:26

100%. That that's where I think we get stuck. You know, it's like, like for example, you know, you're in midlife, you're going through different changes with your body, you've had children, so your body has kind of some battle scars and things. And that might directly impact the ability that you have to feel desired, you know, or if the person that's in your life doesn't show you the type of desire that they had 10 years ago, you know, those are the things that are really probably on your list of wonderful things to have happen. So as an example, um, I think in midlife we those things kind of go by the wayside a little bit, or people just assume everything's fine and so they don't get into it. Whereas I've noticed more now as I've gotten older, it's like it is definitely more of a conversation, definitely more something that we talk about because we've gotten to the point where we're we're just not gonna settle for some of the things, you know, like even talking about sex or talking about what your needs are or what you want to have or want to see. I think that throws people off sometimes because they're not used to that. Conversation happening. It's just more like people don't really talk about it, you know. And so when you start talking about it and it and I think it maybe turns ahead or two, you know, when you're they're like, uh, you know, your partner or whatever, it's like, okay, well, I guess she has an opinion about this. That was there's more discussion and things that go along with that to make sure that intimacy and things are more pleasurable, that they have more depth to them. Because I mean, sex is sex, we can all have it, it's fun and whatever, but it's like intimacy is a whole different realm, you know, it's it takes everything to a whole different level, which if you haven't experienced it before, you don't know what you're missing because it's pretty amazing, you know, when that does happen. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

So I think what I was talking about in regard to the diet desires that we don't admit that we have, Julie uh just mentioned a couple of them, but the desire to be desired again because of the things we go through with our bodies. I think too, wanting sex that feels good and alive and not so habitual and routine. I think that can tend to happen. Yeah, right. And it it, you know, we don't like admitting to these things, just to drive my point there, or wanting more emotional intimacy is one as well.

Alone Time, Load, And Gratitude

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Which would mean just like having conversations, you know, emotional intimacy might be just it might be a touch, it might be a look, it might be having conversations about things that are important to you. It's like with someone who you love and care about, or someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with, you know. So it's like people don't really think about it that way. It's like you kind of start getting into your routine, your daily routine, and a lot of these things just kind of get checked on the shelf. And that's why we have so many issues and problems with people in relationships and getting divorces and things like that, because we don't really talk about a lot of this stuff. So wanting adventure, you know, wanting career shifts, you know, those kinds of things are unspoken a lot of the time because you feel guilty. You feel like you're putting yourself first. And that's not necessarily what's happening. It's like, yeah, I remember saying, you know, when kids were little, it's like I needed to do a lot of the things that I did for myself because ultimately I was going to be a better mom because I felt like I had a little more balance. Now it was constantly a struggle to get that balance. But when I did have it, when I did feel like I was able to invest time and things that were not surrounding my kids and my family, I feel like I was so much more appreciative of what was happening with them. It wasn't becoming so routine, you know. Yeah. I mean, yeah, obviously far from being a perfect mom, but those were the things that I remember very vividly, you know, that I just kind of didn't acknowledge right away.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

So I can think of times when I I desired to have less responsibility. Yeah. And it right and more time alone, right? I totally can't remember wanting that.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

And how many women are out there right now living in a house with a another person, their significant other, their loved one, whatever, and they feel alone, you know, they feel alone because they want some sort of attention from that person that is supposed to be their person, but maybe they're not getting it or they're feeling guilty about it because their person has got their head wrapped around something else. I mean, there are so many things about our bodies, for example. We would just want to feel vibrant and want to feel like people are noticing and paying attention to the work that we're doing on ourselves, you know, that it just kind of reaffirms a lot of the things that we're already doing. And yeah, you're absolutely right about the responsibility. It's like so much so sometimes that you literally can't plan it all into a day. And it would be nice to have alone time. Yeah, just like just to be. I remember having those days and I'd be like, I have six hours. I have six hours to do whatever I want. Oh my God, what am I gonna do? You know, because six hours is very long in the big scope of things.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

I can remember times when I would pretend to not feel well so I could just go in my room and be alone. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Because I'm knocking on the floor or is dinner ready, you know. That's okay.

Wanting More Isn’t Ungrateful

SPEAKER_01 13:49

But it, you know, I think I want to say this really clearly, listeners, so that you hear and understand this. Wanting more does not mean that you are ungrateful. No, it does not mean that you're ungrateful. And we're human, yeah, right? We're we're just human. And there's nothing wrong with the the desires that we have.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

Yeah. And when you listen to your desires, I think you communicate a little bit differently about things, maybe with a little bit more thought placed into how you are conveying what your needs are, what your desires are to the people that are around you, so they could support, you know, maybe that direction. It's information. Yeah, we we gotta talk about these things. Otherwise, resentment starts happening.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Well, that's a big one.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

That's a huge one. You know, when there is not a lot of conversation that takes place, that is a huge one.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Why do you think it is that that women tend to silence themselves, Julie? I mean, look why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 14:45

That's well, I can speak for myself. It's like it's to keep the peace, it's to not fight, is to have, you know, but every single time you do that, you're like losing a little piece of yourself. And it's not to say that you want to fight all the time or anything like that. It's just more that's what we have a tendency to do, to make things run smoothly.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

I I think too, especially our generation, uh, it it's almost like we've been socialized to shrink our desires. 100%. Oh my gosh, that's so true. To keep to keep peace with the masses. We want to keep everybody comfortable. We don't want to, you know, upset the apple cart, whatever those some of those sayings are. That yeah, there's there's a lot of facets we could go into and we have in past episodes, so we won't hear definitely that that is the case. And I think that's a huge reason as to why we tend to silence ourselves.

Why We Silence Ourselves

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Yeah. It just I think it's with our with what we and the more silence that comes forward, I think to your point earlier, the more resentment we start to feel because we're the ones silencing ourselves. That's the R word. Yeah. What did you say? The R word? The R word. Resentment. Resentment. Oh, yeah. It because it will build definitely destroys relationships, it destroys them. So if it's not something that's being discussed, or you're taking one for the team, or you're being a martyr, you're not doing yourself any favors, you're not doing your partner any favors.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

Well, and I think sometimes too, when we let that happen, when we silence ourselves and the resentment builds, then there's some numbness that might tend to creep in. There's the inability. You you just like it just what is the word I'm trying to say? It debilitates you. I don't know why that was so hard, but it it really can debilitate you. And then it starts showing up and coming to fruition in other ways, right? We might be a little more argumentative than we normally are. We might start thinking more about or fantasizing about, you know, escaping and doing other things, which might not be the best for some of the relationships you're in. But it's because of this, the this whole path that we were just talking about. This is why these things, if you're if you don't verbalize, if you keep these desires unspoken, these are some of the things that can start happening, anyways, affairs and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

That uh, you know, the thinking is like when you don't feel like you're getting the acknowledgement or the reaffirmation from your partner, it's like, you know, that's why people start going to look for it somewhere else. Every slope. Yeah, they're missing something, something is very empty or wrong, you know. And so they're the validation's coming from somewhere else. So that's how that kind of stuff ends up creeping into relationships, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Emotionally, we can start being emotionally withdrawn. Uh those it's just like not good things. And you know, just being restless. Yeah. And and doing it in secret. I know.

The Cost: Resentment And Numbness

SPEAKER_00 17:30

It doesn't feel good. Doesn't feel feel good. So anyway, I guess a lot of women are probably thinking, you know, as we're talking about this whole topic, it's like, oh, I thought it was just me. Yeah I thought maybe it was just me like feeling this way. But I mean, you are in really good company because there's a lot of women who are out there in this time of their life going, what the hell is next? What needs to happen in order for me to really wake up and, you know, enjoy my life and put myself first and not feel horrible about it, you know? Yeah. And so you're in good company, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. We've been there, we're still there. It's an it's an evolution. You know, you're always looking for ways to improve your life and your relationships and everything. And Lord knows we are not experts at a lot of that because we make mistakes along the way, too. But I think the important part is just being able to really talk about it or having a group of people that you can actually converse with and talk about it because there's so many of us that are going through a lot of the same things, you know?

SPEAKER_01 18:32

Well, I think we were just talking about some of those things that happen if when we ignore our desires. Let's just really quick, because I think it's super important because this is the empowerment piece, what happens when you when you honor that and when you acknowledge these desires and you listen to what those are. Um, I think you'll find yourself communicating differently, just the opposite, really, of the cost of ignoring them.

SPEAKER_00 18:56

And I think maybe I I know this sounds kind of funny, but like kind of sitting up a little taller or awake a little bit like with your chin maybe more held high because you are really acknowledging that you are trying to put yourself first. And again, I say that and I know that is something that people just automatically think of as being a selfish thing to say. But it's like we as women don't put ourselves first a lot of the time. And when it comes to your happiness or the desires that you have, it's you're the only one that's gonna make those things happen for yourself, you know. Yeah, you're gonna be better for the people that are in your life if you feel happy and fulfilled, like you're getting what you want out of life too.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

And you might have to uh set a boundary or two, yeah, right? Communicate differently, maybe than you have, prioritize your pleasure and the things that you want, prioritizing and putting them higher up on that list. Okay. And uh just being more honest and open about your needs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

So what if you have a partner who's just not really receptive to hearing about any of this?

SPEAKER_01 19:59

You know, you're you're gonna have to knowing your partner like you do, it's not like you can sit down and and and maybe there are those that you can, but I I think every situation is different and and you might have to be creative a little bit and and come up with different ways of uh presenting some of these things. Might might be very subtle. It's not just gonna meet it's not like you have to blow everything up and and you know, vomit it all out on the table and say, here it is, right? That'd be a big mess to probably have to clean up. Yeah. So but you know, if you just go about your way and and again get creative and setting some some boundaries, you might have to set boundaries that people don't even know that you're setting. Right. That's such a common term now that's thrown about boundary, yeah. Boundary setting and setting boundaries. And I I don't mean to make light of that because it is important, but it might be that you're gonna have to do it in a way that doesn't seem like you're setting a boundary.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Well, and I I mean, I I guess a lot of those things when you think about boundaries in in general, it's like you're protecting your peace, really.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Yeah.

When We Honor Desire

SPEAKER_00 21:01

And I think we talk about, quote, protecting our peace, unquote, more now than I have ever talked about that before. And it really does relate to a lot of the things that we're talking about here, you know, because if we if we allow people to to kind of govern what we're doing or what is directed as our happiness, it's like you're really kind of giving that huge responsibility to someone else. And why would you do that? Nobody has no better than you are what what you want and what you need, you know. Right. Because bottom line, you guys, it's like midlife is a time for us to be able to evolve. There is nothing inappropriate about wanting more. There is nothing embarrassing about wanting more, and it isn't a freaky crisis. You're not going through a midlife crisis, you know? It's your next evolution, knocking on your door, going, What's next for me? And goddamn it, I'm gonna check it out. Right? Did it girl be? Oh, I guess that was are you are you willing to answer? Are you willing to answer when that knock comes at the door? So we will see. There will be a link in the show notes. We are thrilled to be with you guys today. Please follow us on YouTube, subscribe and like, as well as uh Instagram, TikTok is our fave these days, and of course, Facebook. And uh thank you for spending time with us today. All right, everybody, until next time. Spicy. Stay spicy, spicy. We gotta be spicy, then you can stay spicy.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

All right, bye guys.