49. Quality Time As Self Love In Midlife

Michele is finally back! In this episode, the duo reunites to revisit the 5 Love Languages with a specific focus on the midlife shift. We are digging into the "Why" behind our absolute favorite love language right now: Quality Time (with yourself).

After years of carrying the invisible workload of motherhood and marriage, it is time to renegotiate how we spend our energy. We share our personal solo rituals, from unapologetic 2-hour naps and morning coffee in bed, to the glorious, brain-numbing joy of watching reality TV. We also confess our best motherhood survival hacks (yes, we have faked sick just to get 10 minutes of silence in the bedroom).

Remember the airplane oxygen mask rule: taking time to recharge isn't an indulgence, it's required maintenance.

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Transcript

Welcome Back And Big Topic

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey all you spicy ladies out there, Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, The Emerald City. And we are bringing you an episode today that is going to blow your minds, right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

This is Michelle's first episode back. It's been a minute. It has, and I've missed you so much, my blonde friend. It has been a minute. Okay, don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't see her. I just haven't recorded with her. And so it's been lonely. It's been so lonely. Harlow kept me company and everything. But anyway, we are back at it. And Michelle is back with her messy, cute hair, and we are just gonna go for it. So the topic we we've gotten a lot of feedback from people and a lot of downloads on one of the episodes we did before we rebranded, which was on love languages. And so long ago.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

It was it was one of our one of our first, probably in the top three that we did. And like Julie said, so many downloads, and we thought it was high time we revisit the love languages.

Why Revisit Love Languages Now

SPEAKER_01 1:05

There's a few of these, but we're actually looking at it a little bit differently than we did then. That particular one, we actually talked about all of the love languages, so it was pretty high level. But with this one, we really want to get into the midlife love language of quality time. And Michelle actually had the idea for this episode because it's a little bit different than when you think traditionally about love languages. So maybe Michelle, you can explain a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Well, I was just, you know, the first time we did it, when you think of love languages, it's always in regard to being in a relationship and knowing what your love language is and how that plays into your partner's love language and really how to navigate and and recognize and utilize that within that relationship that you have so that you know you're both feeling great about everything. That's that's the idea behind the love languages. So I was thinking as a midlife woman, and you know, everybody is in a relationship. We have all kinds of relationships in our life, yes, but Jules and I talk a lot about the fact that the relationship you have with yourself is uno most important, right? Yes, or or import. You have to have that one cemented.

Quality Time Means Real Presence

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Yeah. We have to have that one cemented, kind of grounded, really, before you can be of value in any other relationship. And so understanding kind of what's important to you, which is a lot of what we talk about anyway. But when it comes to what kind of fills your heart, this is one of the love languages, if you will, that fills my heart, the quality time. And you know what, Michelle, I thought about this as I was kind of preparing and looking through what we were going to be talking about. And I wonder, you know, when you're talking about quality time, you talk about presence, right? I I wonder if it's really important to me because what I had experienced in the past wasn't necessarily presence, like we're talking about with, you know, quality time. I I was in situations in romantic situation, you know, being married and everything, where um the present, it was like the presence wasn't there. Like you're physically there, but you weren't mentally there. And we're talking to crave that.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Yeah, P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E. Correct. Not presence as in, can you give me a present? Because that giving gifts is, I mean, gifts, that is one of the five love languages. That's the only reason I wanted to clarify what we were talking about there.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

But it's actually just being there and being in the moment and and like paying attention to what's happening with the people around you, or in in that circumstance that I mentioned before, it's like knowing somebody is present with you. Yeah. So that is probably why this particular love language is resonates with me so much. You know. But what we're talking about today is a little bit different. Intentional time that you have kind of nurturing yourself, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:54

So well, and I I think as women that gets lost. We talk about that so much in many of our episodes, in you know, regarding the caretaking nature of women, right? The invisible workload that we take on that steals time, personal time away from us, the feeling of guilty when you're, you know, you want pleasure or rest, those kinds of things. And then, you know, you get to this midlife and your kids are older, your career is evolving, your body is changing. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Although you told me that they have a cute butt, so I'm happy with that.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Julie's got a really cute butt. She's been working her ass off, literally. Literally, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:36

But I'm not showing all you guys. Maybe I will in one of our posts. Yeah.

Midlife Renegotiation And Caretaking Load

SPEAKER_00 4:39

But our bodies are changing. Yeah. And so it's time to renegotiate. It midlife is a time to renegotiate our our priorities and what we're doing with our time. And we're we have weirdly in ironically, we have the time to do that renegotiation with what we're doing with our time.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Well, before it was super high level, right? You just kind of glanced through things or went through things. Now I think we have the ability, uh, the time, maybe the experience to get a little deeper, you know, on some of these topics that are important to us. Yeah. I believe. So um a lot of like you mentioned before, women are we are we're very conditioned, I think, like you said, to be caretakers or to take less or to be the last one that gets their their plate filled or whatever. Because we can handle it. That's what we do. Yeah. And you guys, I really want to make sure it's it's really important that we understand that a lot of the things that we talk about, we are circling back and circling back on a lot of things because there are so many points that are really simple about midlife and about really owning the time that you have. And so we talk about this stuff a lot, but I can't emphasize enough how we need to keep talking about it. Because if you don't talk about it, it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Well, because so so much of what we do is habitual. Yeah. We don't, I I think, realize that we're feeling disconnected from what our desires are because so much of what we do is habitual. Taking the time to realize where maybe some irritability and burnout is coming from. The fact that we've lost track of some of the things maybe that we enjoy doing or don't even realize or know anymore. Some of those things that bring us joy and pleasure and and uh feeling like you're on call all the time. Just like just like was talking about. That's what it was like for me, anyways. And so I love I love how this brings up the renego time to renegotiate. Yeah. Because it's really time to revisit, put some of these things out on the table and dig up and find those things and give yourself quality time to be able to do some of that. I know what some of the things are that I do now.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

But let me ask you though, do you feel like even saying this and we know we're in the places that we're in, do you feel guilty sometimes still? No. You really don't? I mean, I I really I really don't. That's good. Then you're past that. I still do feel kind of guilty sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 7:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah.

Simple Rituals That Refill You

SPEAKER_00 7:21

I'm sure there's moments. I mean, I say that somewhat lightly, but I'm sitting here thinking about some of the things that I enjoy doing to give myself that quality time and speak that love language to myself, if you will. And one, for example, is, and Julie knows this about me, on the weekends, I take the time to make my coffee and bring it into my bed and and just be, I like that that's time I like to be on my phone, whether it's mindless scrolling and and catching up on things, or if it's I have some app things that I I like to listen to some things on those, I do that. I like to write. And when I'm drinking coffee in my bed and just by myself, I'll play music and I like to write about things. I enjoy that. And I take the time to do that and I don't feel guilty about that.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

That that actually, like on a lazy Sunday, or like I've like today, I kind of took the day off, which you know, and my I feel like sometimes we don't really take days off. So there's always some so I did some work today, but I didn't like go into an office or whatever. Yeah I was up early and did exactly like what you're talking about. And the next thing I know, it's two hours have gone by, you know. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't even gotten my ass out of bed yet. Yeah. You know, I'm still sitting there with my well, except to get my coffee. Went on my coffee, sitting in my bed. I'm doing my stuff. I've got my and I just kind of crack up how fast that time goes. But it's my time. Yeah. And I hadn't done anything for anybody else yet. And it was, it felt really good. Now, every day is not like that because we've got routines and schedules and things that we have to fulfill. But when you do have that time, it's kind of cool, you know? I mean nothing better than like, and I always say Sunday because Sunday mornings usually can be a little bit slower. Yeah, Saturday mornings, not so much for me, but um Sunday mornings for sure. And I I would just encourage all of you to if you're if you're kind of lacking some of that, maybe you've got a space that you can go to, that you've got people around that you can just go and chill, you know, in the morning if that is what you like to do, or get yourself dressed and go for a morning walk with no one else. Don't take the dogs, go on your own, you know, kind of a thing. It's just nice to be able to have that time for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

And they kind of when I was looking at some ideas surrounding this on what these things can look like, there were some different categories that that came up, which I I kind of liked. Like solo rituals, that's kind of the one that I was talking about when I do my coffee thing in the morning.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Creativity. So if you're somebody that likes to paint or draw, or if you're a dancer, or if you like to do things cooking or whatever in the kitchen, the creativity things. So and then movement, which Julie was just making mention of, walking, or if you stretch, or if you like to do yoga, those kinds of things. And then there's an intentional, intentional things, which I think actually all of these things have to be intentional, but they're suggesting like taking a nap. Yeah. That's something that's hard for how often do you get to do that though? Yeah, I I've been actually doing it a little bit more lately, and I think that's just part of being in midlife, but um so yeah, taking naps and maybe just doing nothing. That has to be intentional too.

Naps And Permission In Real Life

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Yeah, right. Even like when I was just in Costa Rica, which I just got back a few weeks ago, and we were on the go a lot when we were there, and there were a couple of days where I was just like, damn, we just scaled some frickin' mountain to get to to get to a waterfall. And I was like, this lady was so funny. She was like, she wanted to do it so bad. I'm like, okay, I'm going, but if I get bitten by bugs, you are in so much trouble. But I didn't. But it was like the best nap. When we got down from there, it was hot, sweaty. I got home, I got back. It was like before dinner kind of a thing. Yeah. And took a nice shower. And oh my God, it was like the best nap ever. It was like a two-hour nap. And you know, I never ever do stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Well, and I think to your point, those intentional, intentional naps probably does feel really good. It's the ones when you're so exhausted and you lay down and crash, that's when it's like you feel groggy and it's like, oh my gosh, what's what's the matter with me? So I get that, the refreshing intentional nap.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

But it's like a lot of ladies, yeah, the lot a lot of ladies that are talking that we're talking to though, they're still in the throes of kids like, mom, get me this, you know, mom, get me that, when's dinner ready? Blah, blah, blah. And it's like the moment you start saying, I'm taking a nap, they're looking at you like you're from another planet, you know? Because it's like, who does that as a mom? They think who does that as a mom? Your your job is to make me dinner, you know, kind of a thing. Yeah. So um it it's hard. I think it's easier for us to give ourselves permission to do some of those things now.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Being in midlife, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

In midlife, yeah. And whereas before it was a real struggle. And I think the one, like you were talking about little rituals and things you do for yourself. The one thing that was a reprieve for me when I was in this chaotic time with kids and all that stuff was massage. And you know, that all that that's a quality time thing. Yeah. Uh, that it was like my way to decompress. Like I would do it on a Friday after work. So I would get home maybe a little bit later, but then I was just kind of like prepared for the evening. And we always on Fridays always did pizza and movies and stuff on on Fridays. Well, they would do pizza every day if they could have, but you know what I mean. And I was just chill, I was like relaxed, I was ready to start the weekend. So that was kind of my little treat that I had for myself that I would do once in a while. Yeah. But you know, not everybody can afford to do that either. So it's not like I did it all the time, but it was something I truly looked forward to.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

I used to pay my kids. So here you go. If you are in the throes of, you know, mother, I used to pay my kids to rub my feet. Did you really? That's a smart one. Oh, yeah. I was a waitress at the time back in the day, and I'd have a pocket full of money. Yeah, I'm like, all right, I'll pay. I would pay them if you rub my feet.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

I would pay them to match up the socks like per pair.

SPEAKER_00 13:28

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

I was I worked it. Like, there's no tomorrow. Ten cents a pair. You know, there's like a huge laundry basket full. Anyway, just an idea for you ladies out there who have kids that are, you know, motivated to earn money, you know, and kind of works.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

But even, you know, some of those things for that time in life also can be just sitting in the car alone, right? Maybe after you drop your kids off at school, or even when you get home and the kids run inside, just sit in the car for a minute and take literally a minute or two in just the quiet. Can't the car be so quiet sometimes when you're just sitting in it alone?

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Unless you're bumping your music, right?

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Close your eyes and just, you know, enjoy the stillness for a few before you go, you know. And and really those little things can really help. Just like charge you up a little bit to just keep going a little bit further.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

I think too that if we have women in our audience that are a little higher on the anxiety scale, some of the things we're talking about are they're not really even options. They're more necessities, I would say. Really kind of yeah, giving yourself the permission to indulge, if you will. When I say indulge, it sounds like it's a real extravagance. It's not an extravagance. We think it's an extravagance because we haven't done it. But if you start developing those habits and the people that are around you, your kids, your significant other, whatever, they see oh, mom's got her quality time, or you know, you're doing your thing. They know to leave you alone. I mean, you see that we see that with men, sometimes they have a lot like their man cave and stuff. They know that they're in their man cave. You know to leave them alone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

You know, I don't know or they're gaming or something. Sometimes I would just like pretend that I did not feel good. I would just fake it so that I could go lay down for a little bit. You said that before. I wonder if I ever did that.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

I mean, it's it's actually a really good idea.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

If you because you know the kids, you oh, mommy doesn't feel really I gotta go lay down, I have a headache, whatever it is. Just you know, I'm gonna go lay down for 10 minutes. And if you're not feeling good, they tend to be a little bit more compassionate and let you do it, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:39

So she's manipulating her children. That's what she's saying.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

100%. Absolutely. Are you kidding me? Yeah, why not?

SPEAKER_01 15:46

They manipulate you. So that's right. That's right. So again, not indulgent. I think a lot of it is maintenance. And if you're able to do massage or you're able to have, like Michelle said, quality time in the car or wherever. It's like take the moments you can get. If you're able to have that quality time with your significant other that you're lacking and you miss that person, you know, take that time and plan something or have them plan something that's meaningful. That's just doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't have to be extravagant.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Just it could be a walk around the park. Julie's being nice and taking the partner into consideration. I'm just being selfish and thinking about quality time for yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Well, I'm I'm for your own self. I'm expanding it to other things. I mean, I'm obviously really good at well, I should say I've gotten a lot better at the quality time for myself. I don't I still feel guilty sometimes. And I think it's just the Catholic guilt I grew up with, you know? You just do.

Quality Time Beyond Typical Self Care

SPEAKER_00 16:41

I think the reason, and back to kind of what we were talking about in the beginning, is that quality time for yourself is so important so that you can give quality time to other people. Like I said, give it gives you that recharge. And I think a lot of times for women, when it comes to spending quality time, self-care comes into play a lot. And that is super important. And I'm not saying it's not, but I think there are some other things that I want to suggest that we think about when it comes to, you know, what quality time can be that doesn't look like self-care, right? You know, you got the face mask and the eye patches, and now they have lip masks and side note. Do you know they have mouth tape that have call that has collagen? Are you serious? Yeah, so while you so like poofs them up or something, totally side note, but it's pretty cool. Anyways, of course she knows about that. Self-care, yeah. So self-care is super important, but what about just this is I know Julie will totally resonate with this watching trash TV.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

I love my 90-day fiance. Or or love is blind. I know, and I'm I can't believe I'm even admitting this because I am admitting it and I I love it, and it's kind of something I yeah, I love that. That's like my mindless TV, especially when I'm stressed. Yeah. You know, you know how when you sometimes you get stressed out, you just like shut down. You can't do anything.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

You turn your brain off and just yeah, and just watch and or read, you know, reading too.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

It's like depending upon what you like to read. But no, I I think that's I think that's wonderful. And it's great to be able to have something that you can like watch an episode or whatever while you're winding down. Why not? If you're if you're a TV watcher, some people aren't TV watchers at all.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

And I think too, something else when we're talking about mindless TV. You and I have we talked more and more about us doing this at this point in life, but saying no.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

To to plans, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:38

Because how often have I done that? I was just like saying, Is it last weekend?

SPEAKER_00 18:42

I don't want to do anything but be home. I'm telling you, I've really noticed over the last year how how much more and more just staying home and it's not even Netflix and chill, it's just like laying in bed and you know, the trash TV or the mindless whatever, or watching a movie, or just wanting to be inside and being comfortable and not go out. But um, that quality time piece about that scenario is the fact that you are choosing to cancel plans and to say no because you're gonna do what you want to do and what is gonna be good for you.

Staying Home Versus Staying Engaged

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Okay, and spend some quality time. I agree with you because I I do it myself, but the one caveat to that would be if you're canceling plans all the time, it becomes a pattern and you're not experiencing anything else either. So you got to kind of balance it out. I mean, I noticed that I was out with some people last night and they they were all probably around these women were all kind of around the same age as I was, I suppose, maybe a little bit younger, but there was a lot of discussion about that, you know, and it was it's just kind of interesting sometimes, you know. I just would rather stay home. I come home from work, I just would rather stay home and I don't go which, you know, is great to a certain extent. And everybody is different, you know. We've got extroverts, we've got introverts, we've got ambiverts, you know. We have people who I would classify myself maybe more now as an ambivert, where I'm a very outgoing person, but I need time to recharge, whereas I never used to be that way before. So your your personality changes, how you look at things kind of changes. But what my and this is just my concern for me. I mean, maybe it's a concern that resonates with some of you as well, but I don't want to get to the point where I'm canceling everything and not wanting to do anything. And that's what you start seeing, you know, people that are just like, no, I don't want to do that. There's people there, it's it's too crowded, or it's this and it's like it's like a stage you're stepping into that's like old people stage. And I don't want to ever be in that stage. So I sure I cancel plans. Sure, sometimes I just want to be home, but I want to do other stuff too. That's also the way I spend my time is quality time. So just saying that there's a balance.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

There is a balance. I mean, I say pay attention would stay home every fucking day if she could. I I just say pay attention to what feels good because if it just don't make the plans then, so you don't have to cancel them. Right. Or maybe not even about balance, but maybe you give yourself one weekend night a month or something where you do make plans and you stick to them. That way you can you don't have to be breaking plans all the time and you can stick to that and whatever it is. Because if you're gonna just go out and sit there and think about being at home in your pajamas, well it's gotta be it's gotta be something you're looking forward to.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

It's not like some rando thing, but yeah, like I like going like this is kind of a great way to do it. It's like I love to connect with with my friends and get updates, and I don't see pe some of these people all the time, but you know how you can just kind of pick up where you left off with people? Yeah. I love going to a happy hour. It's like happy hours like you go after work, you know, you're maybe there at like 4 35 o'clock. You're there, you have a little snack, you have maybe a drink, maybe not, and then you're home by like seven, seven thirty, and you've got your whole evening to do whatever you're doing. I love that. That's perfect. I have um I have a friend who's a very, very outgoing person. And very spontaneous and really doesn't have a lot of rules. And I get teased constantly about how you have so many rules. There's so many rules you have. It's like you just you're not very spontaneous about going out and it's like, well, it's ten o'clock on a Wednesday. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm home. I don't want to go anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

So yeah, everybody it's so I guess it's to each other. I mean, there's gonna be yeah, there's gonna be to each his own. There's there's all those things to take into consideration of personalities and and people and the things you got going on in life. But what's what's interesting is, you know, it's it's kind of funny the weird things that count as self-care in midlife, right? Yeah. Because it's definitely different. I think going uh you taking time to go out on a solo date, too. Yeah, I think is something that can be considered, you know, spending quality time. Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Ten Minute Challenge And Closing

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Or you want to go to a movie to get, you know, you don't have to have somebody you don't have to write to them when you go anyway, you know. Why don't you just go? But no, I 100% agree with you. And I think it's good for us to have time on our own, good for reflection time, good when you're not always having to have conversations with other people, you know, you're having them with yourself. You're you know, so quality time can be looked at in a lot of different ways. So, what's the what's the thing that you're planning to do this week? Let's challenge everybody. It's like if you have 10 minutes in the next week to do something that's just for you that you haven't done before, what would it be? Any idea? Yeah, what would you do? Well, I know what you're gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Yeah, I mean, like coffee. Yeah, that's kind of a ritual for me. But I think too, it's important for everybody listening. Think of it as it's kind of like maintenance for yourself, too. Spending that time. It's not being indulgent, it's it's maintenance. So, so keep that in mind. And also, you are not abandoning anyone when you choose yourself.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Well, that's the thing you are not you're better for other people when you are taking care of yourself. So you've and I think I've said this before, you know, when you're on the plane and they say, put your mask on yourself and then help the person next to you. Yeah. Because you're not gonna do anybody any good if you're passed out. It's kind of the same concept, you know. Take care of yourself and you're gonna have a much better feeling about doing things for other people or spending time with other people because you've been able to kind of regroup and get a little bit grounded and just be in your own thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

There's another thing. I love it. Or your trashy TV thoughts, whatever you want to do.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Yeah, trashy TV thoughts in bed doing, you know, whatever. There's that kind of quality time you spend with yourself too. That's also quality time.

SPEAKER_01 24:38

Nudge nudge. Well, uh, I would love to hear what some of our listeners' midlife quality time rituals might be. And maybe maybe we can uh put something out there on the socials about that. But please DM us and let us know. We would love to hear what you guys are doing to help take care of yourself when you're looking at this particular love language of quality time. So quality time on yourself.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

And you can find us out on all the socials Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. We love us some TikTok. It's that's a fun playground that we like to dance and throw our podcasting stuff out there. Oh, yeah, we're great dancers on TikTok. So go check it out. And you can also uh find us on YouTube. So on any of those, subscribe if it's YouTube, follow us on all the others. Uh, we'd love to have you as, you know, part of our community. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

And until next week, ladies, stay spicy. Stay spicy. I'm so glad to be back. And we're so glad to have you back, my spicy friend. Okay, guys. All right, everybody. Next week. See you later. Bye.