53 Resentment: The Silent Relationship Killer

Letting Go of Resentment: The Silent Relationship Killer and How to Overcome It | Spicy MIdlife Women

Are you carrying resentment in your marriage, family, or relationships that’s slowly destroying your happiness? In this raw and honest episode, Jules and Michelle from Seattle discuss how resentment quietly builds up and share practical ways to release it so you can reclaim your power in midlife.
This episode is perfect for women who feel unappreciated, over giving, and stuck in toxic patterns. Learn how to set boundaries, communicate better, and finally let go of resentment.

What You’ll Learn:

How resentment becomes the silent killer in relationships
Why unspoken expectations and people pleasing create resentment
The role of boundaries and communication in overcoming resentment
How to stop keeping score in relationships
Real life examples from marriage, family, and workplace
The difference between temporary imbalance and one-sided relationships
How to choose yourself without guilt and stop feeling bitter


Timestamps:

00:00 - Introduction & Why We’re Talking About Resentment
01:16 - How Unchecked Resentment Can Ruin Your Life
02:35 - Resentment in Marriage and Workplace
04:28 - Family Resentment: When Siblings Don’t Share the Load
05:19 - The Power of Setting Boundaries
07:57 - Why “Just Let It Go” Isn’t Always Easy
09:34 - Unspoken Expectations That Destroy Relationships
11:05 - Passive-Aggressive Behavior & Sarcasm
13:54 - Communication Breakdown in Marriage & Divorce
16:14 - When Small Things Like Dishes Turn Into Big Fights
18:24 - Resentment as a Mom & Perfectionism
21:29 - Taking Accountability & Stopping Score-Keeping
24:56 - Temporary Imbalance vs One Sided Relationships
28:01 - The 30/70 Relationship Check In Method
30:33 - Modern Work Life Balance to Prevent Resentment
32:41 - Choosing Yourself Without Guilt
34:04 - Final Advice + Coaching Program


If resentment is weighing you down, this episode will help you feel lighter and stronger.
💬 Comment below: In which area of your life do you feel the most resentment right now Marriage, Family, or Work?

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Transcript

Why Resentment Shows Up

SPEAKER_03 0:30

There are only three spots available ladies don't have to identify now. It's getting to be out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington. And we are the also called the Emerald City, just so you know. Here to bring you all kinds of no BS shenanigans and conversations and spicy truth bombs. Right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Oh, yeah, that's right. Here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power one episode at a time.

SPEAKER_03 1:05

So let's get into it, Miss Michelle.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_03 1:08

Yeah. How are you doing today? I'm doing good. Yeah? Yeah. Are you ready to talk about resentment?

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Uh resentment. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Don't resent me for talking about this.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

I I won't. There's plenty of that elsewhere in my life.

SPEAKER_03 1:21

I know, right? Yeah. So we were talking about resentment being the silent relationship killer, but really wanted to, I don't know, focus on this from a more positive perspective. Uh, and just see how you can let it go because we all have it probably in some capacity in our lives and relationships.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

So is it possible to have a positive aspect in regard to resentment?

SPEAKER_03 1:45

I think positive would be that you are recognizing that you have it and that you're not letting it fester.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Yeah, that's what we've learned as we've gone through midlife, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:54

Well, I had mentioned to you when we were getting started that uh there's a an older woman that was in my life, she's gone now, but um in my life who had uh I've never seen anybody with so much resentment.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Really?

SPEAKER_03 2:07

It was uh crippling, I would say, because she really never found a

When Resentment Becomes A Life

SPEAKER_03 2:12

way to deal with it. And so it carried into everything she did literally until the day she died. It was really very sad. Now, I don't think we're in those places really, but if you don't deal with this stuff up front or you deal with it in a toxic manner, uh, which has to do with avoidance and all that kind of stuff, then uh it doesn't really go away. It just kind of sits there and grows and grows and grows.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

And not only does it make you miserable, but everybody around you.

SPEAKER_03 2:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Everybody around you.

SPEAKER_03 2:42

Well, it just it really does impact your ability to be positive, you know. It's like it's kind of a it's like a wet blanket or a negative downer kind of thing. So where have you run across that in uh your lifetime?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

I've run across resentment. I mean, realistically, in my marriage, okay, there was resentment. I have run into resentment in the workplace. I think most people do in some fashion.

SPEAKER_03 3:13

So tell me a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Well, like you're the one working your ass off.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

And there's others just sliding by and getting praise because they know how to play a game, right?

SPEAKER_03 3:26

Are they taking credit for things that are yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

So that definitely can can cause resentment.

SPEAKER_03 3:33

So what in those scenarios like what you're talking about, what could you do or could you do anything to try to alleviate that in the workplace and not you know harbor that against the person that you know it's it's just like anything else, and you you just have to let it go.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

I you really do.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

But do you I mean you don't you don't harbor it towards that person?

SPEAKER_00 3:57

I actually have run into this and you do harbor, I do harbor it against that person for a while. I it's like something you gotta work through just like anything else. You gotta work through the ish of it and do some self-reflection, really, and just know that what that person is doing doesn't affect what I'm doing. I mean, it does. It does. But as far as the outcomes go,

Work And Family Resentment Traps

SPEAKER_00 4:24

uh if I just focus and and not let that, you know, kind of run my attitude or what I got going on, it makes for a much better day.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

It's not easy.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

That you know, when you when you hear like you hear something about like you in families, for example, you know, you've got like we've got elder, let this is a great example. You've got elder parents, right? And there's siblings that are trying to take care of these elder parents, but some are doing more than others.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

Or I mean, I know we've got a friend that doesn't that lives out of state who has a sibling that doesn't live in the same area as one of the parents that's left, but they really aren't interactive at all. So one person ends up taking on a lot of the responsibility, financial responsibility, even, and how you know how this person's being cared for and everything. It's a lot. And so I could see how that could become a very uh a circumstance where you would be incredibly resentful because it's like you're not someone's not picking up their own slack when it comes to responsibilities within the family.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

I I think that's where, and really in any of these scenarios, uh what I've learned personally, that's where boundaries come into play. Right. And that's really difficult in in the situation. It can be. And it I can talk about that now because I have gotten on in years and I have the hindsight now to know you've gotten on in years. Yeah, gotten on in years, but I have the hindsight now to be able to look back and see some of that, and that's where boundaries come into play, which make a huge difference.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

And it's not like you're, you know, drawing a hard line and setting a hard boundary. There's a lot of different ways you got to go about it.

SPEAKER_03 6:12

I think sometimes it's like just not letting these other people get away with shit.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

You know, and it's when you're talking about like that scenario with the family thing, it's like, you know, some people just slide, you know, like my friend Mary, she's got a her family brothers, and she's got sister, you know, that kind of thing, and she's the baby. But the brothers really, she's kind of dictated what's taken place with her parents when they were here because uh she seemed to have the most wherewithal, and then they start relying on her and just assume she's gonna take care of things. So all of a sudden the entire load is on one person's shoulders.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

Is she the oldest?

SPEAKER_03 6:49

She's the baby.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Oh, she's the baby, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

Okay, but the boys are like, you know, well, we're boys. Well, they if they're if you tell them to do something, they'll do it, right? But it's not like they are thinking about what needs to be taken care of, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

So many times that happens with the oldest person in the family.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

Well, they the oldest is the one that takes on a lot of stuff in this particular case. It didn't, but you could see, you know, earlier on resentment kind of building up, but then it was like this epiphany moment where she was just like, I just I can't let this stuff, you know, wear me down, so to speak. And so she just kind of decided to meet them where they're at, you know, just was like, this is this is the way these people are. Yeah, yes, they're related to me. This is the way these people are, they are not gonna change, and I'm not gonna put all this effort in to try to make quote make them change. So what's most important is that these parents are taken care of and taken care of well. And so that was kind of the the way she solved the problem for herself. She just let it go, like you were saying, you know, just like really literally let it go. Yeah. And just kind of was like, I just I can't live in their brain. I'm not gonna try to figure out why they're like this or why they're not having that same level of uh attention. I'm just gonna do what I gotta do.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

And and that's that's on them. I mean, that situation, whatever the situation might be, and I know that whole let it go thing because of Mel Robbins is like huge and has been uh in recent that's like this last year. Uh, but it's so true. It was talked about way before that.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

And that was, you know, let that shit go, let it go, let it go. Um, but it's very true.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

It's but it's like if you let everything go, then you're kind of a freaking doormat.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

No, so there's a balance. I no, I disagree.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Okay, so tell me where you tell me why you think differently.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

I tend to be that way. I it it's like you it you you're doing things in the background and people don't necessarily know. You're setting boundaries without people knowing it. You are letting things go without people knowing it. If you make a big bad deal about everything, you're gonna be miserable all the time.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

And so I am able to move on. It's not easy all the time. Julie knows. I'm I'm you know, crying to her a lot of a lot of times when I got things going on. It's it's not like I'm skippity-doo-daw through life and everything's dandy, you know. But um when you were, it's kind of like forgiveness, that whole forgiveness thing. When when you're able to forgive somebody else, that's that's freedom for you. Yeah, what whatever the scenario is on their end, doesn't matter. It's freedom for you. So same, same thing when when you let things go. It's actually very freeing.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

It is very freeing, and and and the forgiveness thing kind of guess goes along with that. Yeah, like you're saying. Um I would say uh resentment, at least in my experience, has been that uh there's these maybe under quote understood expectations, uh, expectations in general, you know, but if you've not really shared what those expectations are, you pr you just assume there's a lot of assuming going on that someone's going to meet them and they don't, and then they're frustrated and you feel like you're, you know, kind of getting the short end of the sticker, you're picking up all of the slack and whatever, you know, if it's a romantic relationship or whatever, that starts to add up, you know, and if you don't talk about things, which I would say I've not been very good about that in the past, um just saying, you know, what's on my mind, yeah, or saying, hey, I'm feeling kind of blah blah blah about something, um, you just drop these passive aggressive comments, or it ends up turning into sarcasm, or it turns into the other these other things are really toxic traits and ways of communicating. And that's how it kind of starts. Yeah, I think, you know. And the people that are around, they're oblivious. Like if it's your husband or it's a boyfriend or something like that. Honestly, it's like I was married, he was he was freaking oblivious, probably. You know, I would do the silent treatment, I did all that kind of stuff. I'm just like, I'm so fucking done. I don't wanna, I just I'm not dealing with this. I'm just gonna do what I need to do. But in all fairness, I never really said anything. Right. I just figured he was supposed to know.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

You're expecting him to pick up on all the cues. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_03 11:18

And it's like, and that's that's really not fair because if you turn around and look at it from the other perspective, yeah, I if someone was doing that to me, I'd say, Will you just open your mouth and tell me what's on your mind? Now, a lot of this comes from experience and you know, obviously having been through a lot of these circumstances. And so now I will stop myself and I'll be like, if I start behaving in that way, if I start making a comment or something here and there because I want someone to pick up that they're going in the wrong direction, I have to really look at the way I'm communicating.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

And is that the best

Letting Go Without Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_03 11:52

way to approach it? Because I'm hoping they're gonna pick up on what I'm saying. I'm hoping they're gonna pick up what I'm putting down, if you know me. You know, yeah. And they're not necessarily going to, and you're not holding them accountable for picking it up. So it just continues on in the same way.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

You know? And and I think that's where we end up building this wall of when when you talk about frustration, it goes into uh like these expectations that haven't been met that you have that someone else might not even know about. And then you build these walls of resentment and you're just and then you're just feeling unappreciated in so many ways.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

So yeah, there's the unspoken expectations are killer, man.

SPEAKER_03 12:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:34

I just want to like kind of go over some of the things we because we just kind of went through a lot in a short period of time about some of the things that cause resentment. So unspoken uh expectations, um, overgiving and people pleasing, right? Um, lack of boundaries if we're not setting those boundaries, feeling, you know, and all these things brings that to the forefront, that feeling of unappreciate, you know, being unappreciated. Right. And then that's when it's like probably too about here, you know, uh uh almost, you know, boiling over.

SPEAKER_03 13:08

Right. Um do you know, do you know people that are like extreme people pleasers?

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yeah, yeah. I do.

SPEAKER_03 13:15

I mean, I have those tendencies, I know.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

I mean, I do too. My my whole family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:19

My whole family is like but extreme ones. It's like they're very uh people I know a c one woman I'm thinking about in particular, extreme people pleaser. Extreme, great lady, but I'm telling you, her feelings get hurt really bad if you don't acknowledge every single thing.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Then we're doing it for the wrong reason. Right. That's a whole other episode.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Yeah, you just you want to make sure that yeah, you want to make sure that you're acknowledging it because if you don't, then she will get kind of snappy, you know, like feeling unappreciated. Right. And you know, you don't I don't want anybody to feel under unappreciated, especially if they're doing, you know, things for you work-wise or whatever, but um, I'm very careful about it. Sure. You know, and like you said, it I guess maybe I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, or um, you know, it's something that maybe I I need to be doing more of naturally, yeah. As opposed to saying, oh God, I gotta, you know, like make sure she's feeling that way or she's gonna get butthurt, you know, kind of a thing. Um, I think when you look at relationships like uh romantic relationships is where a lot of this festers and then you know, we get people think about it, there's people in our audience that are starting out the divorce process, going through the divorce process, going through counseling, yeah, trying to figure out all of it really boils down to this uh breakdown in communication, really. And so the resentment piece of it comes from, I would say, the breakdown in that communication, right? And so if you're not acknowledging or touch uh talking about it, then pretty soon you're in a situation where you've been married for 10 years and you come home, hey, how's it going? Oh, good, how's your day? Fine, and then that's all you guys talk about.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

I think too in relationships, though, some of that can be um old hurt, maybe some past situations maybe that were never addressed, or we forgave them and moved on and didn't really process our emotions through some of that.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

That's a good point.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Um, I I think there's resentment. There can be resentment in those situations too.

SPEAKER_03 15:25

What about like resentment around um, and again, this is going to any kind of relationship, but like around addiction issues or things. Like if you've got a significant other that is an alcoholic, let's say, you know, it's like the I would say that the resentment would build and build and build if they're not addressing whatever it is. And to the point where, you know, you're just like, what am I doing? Why am I here? I'm unhappy. I we're not talking, we're not accomplishing anything.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

Anything that maybe we don't approve of ourselves that maybe our significant other is doing.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

And that could be a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Um, to your point, you're talking about addiction. But I mean, I was sitting here thinking of things in my own marriage that didn't have anything to do with addiction. And I'm not talking about keeping the toilet seat up, nothing trivial like that. But I mean, you know, truly some habitual things. And, you know, what whatever those things are, if we're not setting boundaries, if we're not communicating about them and really putting it out there on how we're feeling, then I mean, the resentment is definitely gonna build and it just doesn't do anybody. And then we're like putting each other down. Yeah, we're saying derogatory things because that's our way of you know, you're being snarky, yeah, snarky and you know, feeling better about yourself and trying to put your spouse down, or you know, so it's well, and have you seen that happening in front of other people?

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Like you've seen uh spouses that it's uncomfortable, it's super uncomfortable, super uncomfortable, you know, and it's like regardless of what's happening, you know, behind the scenes, it's like I mean, you always should have a your person's back, I would say. And then you can tell them you really were out of pocket later, you know. Um, it's funny, I have a friend who uh we were just talking about this the other day because she she and her husband have, you know, you were talking about the toilet seat thing. They uh had gotten into this argument about the dishes, you know, and it really wasn't about the dishes, right? It was like it was like the a culmination of frustrations that the husband probably was having about things from not being heard, and uh it just blew up.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:42

And it was about the dishes not being done in the sink. And I'm like, she's telling me this, and I'm like, is it really about the dishes? I mean, there's a lot more going on here than just the dishes. It's not about the dishes, right? It's about all of the other stuff that he probably feels like she doesn't acknowledge enough, you know, kind of a thing. And so how do you fix that? It's not about doing the dishes.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

I'm thinking about the love language episode too. I mean, that is a whole aspect or can be of this if we're understanding what our significant other's love language is, we're gonna be able to. I mean, I don't want to sound like uh, but you can play that, it works, it really works.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

We're gonna have another couple episodes coming up on the love languages too, right? Because we need

Marriage Patterns That Fuel Resentment

SPEAKER_03 18:26

to talk about those a little bit more. But what you're saying makes complete sense. Yeah, you know, but if if this person's uh love language is acts of service and they're doing acts of service because that's their love language for you, and you're not acknowledging or appreciating or whatever, because your love language is something completely different, you know, maybe it's gifts, yeah, you know, or something else. Yeah, you know, look at it like it's a gift that is doing the dishes, right? You know, but anyway, it's it's these little tiny things that really in the big scope of thing probably don't mean much. You leave your socks on the floor or you know, the toilet seat up.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

I think that happens too in with uh families when there's children. Yeah. The resentment can fold as a mom. I mean, truly, if we're you know, and then you find I would, anyways, I would find myself, you know, yelling at my kids for you know, whatever, because I didn't set boundaries, you know, the way I needed to, leading up to and right with whatever chores or and so you're basically taking it out on them.

SPEAKER_03 19:27

Yeah, you know, yeah, because you're pissed off that you come home and things aren't done right.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

And if there's frustration between you and your spouse, oh, family dynamics, there's a whole lot of rabbit holes with this subject.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

The other thing too, just on a side note for that is that you know, we have this, I have this tendency to want things done a certain way. And so I've had to kind of let that go because I'm like, if I'm going to uh provide or give someone the responsibility to do something and just you know, kind of explain what I'm looking for, I have to be okay with the fact that it might not be exactly what I wanted. Yeah, that I need to be appreciative of the fact that they did it, you know. Yeah, I mean, unless it's half-assed.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

No, I well, yeah. I I learned that long ago. I I my kids, my boys, I remember when I started working after being a stay-at-home mom.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

And uh, you know, I would ask them, I just remember this one time to fold the towels and put them in the cupboard. And when I got home, they were in the cupboard that barely pulled it. You know, they tried, uh, that did probably half ass to your point. But I I almost I just remember that moment because I almost got really upset about it. But then I was like, uh, you know what, I don't have to do it. They're in the cupboard.

SPEAKER_03 20:38

Did you take them out and refold them?

SPEAKER_00 20:40

No, I didn't be nope, I didn't. My dad would do stuff like that, and then it makes you feel like you're not doing it good enough.

SPEAKER_03 20:47

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:48

So, anyways, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:50

Especially when you're talking about kids, you know, they they notice that. Yeah, you know, if you're if you're redoing the work that they're doing, or if what you did isn't good enough. Like you wash the dishes, but you didn't do it well enough, and they redo the stuff. It's like that's kind of to me, that's kind of what hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

Yeah, and you know, I wish it when you're a grandma, none of that shit matters. I know it really they can do whatever they want. It's true, it's true. Um, it's it's very interesting, but yeah. We need to have the grandma mentality in all aspects of our life.

SPEAKER_03 21:20

Really?

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Yeah, yeah. I think it would be helpful.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

I mean, I never had grandmas that were like really nurturing.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Oh, yeah, okay. Well, I guess, yeah, I guess it would depend. It would depend.

SPEAKER_03 21:30

And no grandpas.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

But my mom was very nurturing with my children, but my grandma, uh my dad, not a nurturing woman as a general rule. As a matter of fact, it was like you needed to nurture her. Yeah. That's a whole nother conversation. But um, um, so we're saying like resentment honestly is kind of like this bill that comes due, you know, um, when you have abandoned your boundaries. Like you're saying, it's like, okay, this is what's happening because I didn't. speak up and say what I needed to say. So who owns that?

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Um yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

Yeah. I'm really I think that's the hard part for people to acknowledge.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

It is a hard part and it's it's still hard. I mean I don't do that perfectly but I have learned that it it comes back to me. You know, these these are choices that I make and how I handle them.

SPEAKER_02 22:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

What I'm gonna do. Sometimes we figure it out while we're doing it and then we might know better next time.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

Yeah. Or or you know you give yourself a little bit of um grace on how you handle sure things, you know. Yeah. I've found for myself that and and really it's like I I don't really have a lot of relationships right now where I feel like that is uh prevalent because I've done a pretty good job of eliminating a lot of that stuff. Yeah I mean it's not to say that it won't come up or what have you but when I see those things festering it's like I don't like the person that I am when I feel that way. And I'm probably not the best for other people either.

SPEAKER_00 23:04

Well and that's that's a huge indicator. Yeah I I remember feeling that way in my marriage and uh I didn't like the person that I was becoming and that I became yeah uh through the through all the the things that you know went on. That's a whole other story. But you know I and so then that was a lot of reflection on my own self. Okay, like where does that come back to? Honestly it was coming back to me.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:32

Really well and it's like and what are you going to do about it? I mean that's that's the whole thing because you know I I know what you're saying. It's like I I was the queen of and I'm saying I'm totally tattling on myself about this because I feel like I'm okay to talk about it. I I've acknowledged where where I was and how I was and what I was doing and it was a a complete lack of being able to communicate and I I take accountability for my portion but I wasn't really having someone to communicate with either. Yeah you know it wasn't it was you know I'd try but then I wouldn't try that hard because it was like you then you're kind of like almost gaslit a little bit like what's the problem kind of a thing. So I would just kind of let things go. But then I would end up I mean I was snarky so snarky and honestly probably in hindsight rather disrespectful yeah you know in how I approach things or you know I'd make sarcastic comments or I'd roll my eyes or I would do things like that which you should never do with your spouse you know and my he never did that he didn't at least that I knew as far as I know he didn't roll his eyes at me or whatever makes he really didn't do any of that stuff. It was almost kind of like I was maybe trying to get him to wake up say something you know but um anyway

Parenting, Perfectionism, And Control

SPEAKER_03 24:46

I I just didn't like the person that I was becoming so if you're uh listening to this and you are in a situation where you feel like that resentment's taking over who you are you really have to step back and ask yourself you know what do I need to do differently because I'm better than this I'm better at a lot of things.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

One of the first things is being able to release the need to keep score. Yeah I think that happens a lot um in relationships 100% family relationships romantic relationships marriage relationships all of them and uh you know that's you know healthy relationships aren't transactional like that right so there's really no need to be doing that so if if you are I mean balance balance matters it does um but I think being able to let that go there's that phrase again um you know that's gonna be one of the first steps to being able to recognize and acknowledging if we're keeping tally keeping score okay set that aside okay what are we looking at here it's almost like you know a next step okay now what next and what next and you're gonna move through it like that it's not gonna happen overnight right it's gonna take some time it's gonna take some thought a lot of thought and uh different ways of of working through things well if the person you're talking to or that you're having that issue with is checked out so to speak or has become kind of emotionally unavailable they just like it's kind of like you're now wah wah wah wah your voices because it probably comes across like nagging.

SPEAKER_03 26:29

Yeah I I hate to say that because I think women get a bad rap. Men do it too I mean obviously but women kind of get a bad rap but the nagging thing comes from them having to constantly be asking or saying can you take out the garbage? Can you you know we can we have some quiet time together whatever and it not happening yeah you know asking for something and not receiving the resentment kicks in.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:52

So something to think about.

SPEAKER_00 26:53

Well there's a difference between temporary imbalance yeah and like complete one-sidedness.

SPEAKER_03 27:00

So there's a good point. Yeah so if you've got a so it let's talk romantic relationship for a second. It's like there are periods of time it's like if you look at it like a a a whole of a hundred percent there's gonna be times when one person's 70 the other person's 30 and vice versa you know there's gonna be people that are going to pick up things uh more often than not yeah but if it maintains that imbalance it's like there's something wrong.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

You know I saw I can't think of where it was I saw it. I did see um a like a scene between a couple about exactly what you're just you talked about that percentage and a couple that you know every night when they would come together depending not like how was your day it was like what percentage are you at? Right? And you know if one said 40 or maybe 30 it was like it was rough today 30%. So when you say when you're saying percentage is it how their day was or how their resentment level is I mean no how how how are things how are you doing okay did you have a shitty day on a one from 10.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

Okay I get it.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Like so that percentage so that it gives you you know and then the other person might be damn you know like me too and really knowing what to do together or if the other person was totally man I had a hundred percent I got you don't worry about what you don't have right now. You know do you want me to make whatever make dinner or let's go let's do this instead of that that's actually a really great way to approach it. But but being able to communicate in that way with each other uh and and understanding and really like you were saying I got your back you know I I got you don't even worry about it.

SPEAKER_03 28:44

But what if it's the same every day that well I mean well that's where that's where you have to kind of she's asking the hard questions but that goes to the imbalance you know because it's like if you're say you you know your person is in a really shitty job they hate yeah and they come home every day and they've gotten brow beaten or they feel inadequate or whatever every day is going to be like that. So are you picking up those pieces every day?

SPEAKER_00 29:07

That's the temporary imbalance and that comes to the communication and you're gonna nothing is going to be cookie cutter and even and the same all the time.

SPEAKER_03 29:15

And you're gonna have to be flexible um understanding yeah that you're gonna have to step up maybe sometimes more than your spouse not all the time but those are the things that come into play when you can can communicate I think too yeah that actually is a great point because if in fact that is a consistent or a constant I should say um it would be my responsibility to say hey I'm noticing like a really big pattern here yeah of you being unhappy on a pretty consistent basis. So maybe we need to think about how do you find a new job. Well it might be that you need to evaluate where you're working what you're doing the schedule you have if it's affecting you know your life that way there's so many so many aspects of life that that affect the relationship right all the the outside things when you come together is that nucleus core of the two people or even yourself yeah you know uh it's it's

Stop Keeping Score Start Talking

SPEAKER_03 30:14

it's a lot. I think we would take on and generationally when you're talking about Gen X's and you know people that are kind of in our age group it's like we took on more it's like it's just like you work harder we weren't necessarily always working smarter and you know you that's where you see like these workaholics developed and stuff. What I see now is different and I think it alleviates some of the potential for the um the feeling unappreciated or the resentment that's there. I can give you an example um my daughter when she was when they were looking for their house they've just got their house and they were trying to determine the commute levels and where uh where would be like the the area that they would live that would give them uh a a decent commute right one had a much longer commute than the other well clearly they they needed to find a house that was within their budget and so they're as we're going further north to get what they needed. Well the further north you go the longer the commute was going to be for one of them. And so my daughter was so cute. She's like you know what it's like I just worry with that amount of commute time and how miserable he is when he's commuting because he's in traffic and he comes home and he's gonna be home later and then he's in a bad mood and then we don't have our time together because it's more commute. And she's thinking about it from a completely different perspective you know as opposed to no we're gonna get this house at a killer price and the commute is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 31:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 31:43

You know I would be like commute is what it is well that but when you think about it that was bad. I mean like we lived 25 miles out of the city yeah kids were commuting into the city jobs were in the city we're in traffic constantly you know getting home late it makes complete sense yeah so it's like we lived our lives around what our jobs were as opposed to living our lives around what our lives needed to be and adjusting. So moving in closer doing a different job those trade-offs yeah yeah yeah yeah so I I feel like people are becoming more aware of the ramifications of some of those decisions and and trying to avoid it from the very onset which I think is so cool.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

You know so it it's interesting too because some of the the growth things in regard to resentment um are some of the things that we talk about all the time and that is speaking up sooner.

SPEAKER_03 32:40

Yeah uh you know so that that resentment doesn't fester ask for help if it's needed ask for help I know that's hard that is it's almost kind of cliched these are such easy things to say and not necessarily to easy say hard do I know yeah you know yeah um because it's like the it's resentment isn't proof that you're bitter it's proof that you need to make a change yeah and whatever that change is if it's the job change or if it's the way you communicate or whatever it's just it's proof to you that you need to make a change or you or you stay the same which is in that case not great.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

Yeah we did an episode on that nobody benefits from that no right when you stay the same. But also choosing yourself being able to choose yourself without feeling guilty about it. That's super important.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

And letting things fester honestly if you let them fester for too long like I was mentioning about that elderly woman that's no longer with us it's like I shudder when I think of how she chose to live the remaining part of her life. Probably from 45 or so on after her divorce which was a nasty divorce but it she never recovered from any of that you know and um and it it carried on into her death.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:02

And it's just sad yeah because it's like there's just this really wonderful woman that just turned into a a prune that was like sucking on a lemon it was horrible.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

And and part of that is is not that specifically what you're talking about but being able to let go of perfectionism. Yeah. I mean we are human nobody is perfect. Cliche phrase that we've heard all the time throughout life but it's true. It's true. Nobody's perfect. Yeah so we gotta let that go and it you know things feel a lot lighter if you can come to that understanding right I'm certainly not perfect. Really? And you know usually when you're pointing the finger you know when you're pointing the finger pointing the other ones back at you got three three three pointing back at you.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

The point the point is is I think that all this this topic of resentment definitely grows in silence and the silence that you have so as women who are taking responsibility for their uh spiciness and when we say spicy we don't mean like sexual spicy we just mean their courage to be stronger their courage to speak up um the healing starts with being honest and that honesty starts with ourselves yeah so yeah I love that yeah

Coaching, Merch, And Staying Spicy

SPEAKER_03 35:12

so this is some of the stuff that we talk about in our coaching program.

SPEAKER_00 35:15

In our coaching program we have a a one-on-one coaching program step into spicy confidence and I mean I would say communication that's that's a big one that that we go into and uh this has to do with all of it. All of it yeah um you know communication is key another little phrase that we hear a lot but true true true yeah um if you want to know more uh about uh that one-on-one coaching program the link to apply for that is in our show notes it's on uh it's in the bio on all of our socials so you can find it there we also have it's you'll see it it's a stand store link and we've got spicy merchandise now that's available we got t-shirts hats a lot of fun um uh fun merchandise you know I like the one it's a t-shirt that says um done raising kids now raising hell yeah or true true uh spicy ah we've got a few really fun ones yeah so so we just go check that out and uh but yeah the one on one coaching our stand store link is show notes and all the socials and uh just can't wait for you to like subscribe YouTube all those good places that we're at yeah um and uh you can also just DM us spicy if you want to talk to us yeah dm we would be happy to DM you back yeah yeah we're happy to give more information if you have questions anything like that so all right well um until next week until next time we're gonna all we're you're you and I are gonna stay spicy oh yeah so and we're and we're not gonna build any resentment and we are gonna talk to each other all right everybody all right peace out people see you later