54. The Courage to Be Fully Seen in Midlife: Embracing Authenticity and Bold Choices

Midlife isn’t about hiding anymore it’s about finally being fully seen for who you really are.

In this raw, funny, and deeply relatable episode, Michele and Julie spill the truth about the “perfect persona” we’ve all been performing for years the people-pleasing, the filtering, the “I’m fine” lies, and that secret corner of ourselves we’ve been hiding because we’re scared of being “too much.”
From pretending you don’t have an opinion about dinner to fearing you’ll be seen as selfish for choosing yourself they’re calling it all out. This is your permission slip to stop editing yourself, set boundaries, speak your truth, and live unapologetically in midlife.

What You’ll Learn:

Why women especially become experts at wearing a mask
The fear of being seen as “too much,” needy, or selfish
How to stop people-pleasing and start living authentically
The liberating power of losing the filter in midlife
Dealing with pushback from family & friends when you change
Why midlife is the perfect time to be bold, spicy, and fully expressed

If you’re tired of performing and ready to be seen as the real you this episode is for you.

🎧 Watch till the end for the most powerful takeaway about living fully expressed!

⏰ Timestamps:

00:00 - What does it really mean to be Fully Seen in Midlife?
00:36 - The hot mess behind the “perfect” persona
01:27 - The Mexican food story (relatable people-pleasing)
02:06 - What if people could hear your unfiltered thoughts?
03:10 - Why women are masters at managing perception
04:33 - That hidden corner of yourself you don’t show anyone
06:19 - Losing the filter & the freedom of midlife
08:18 - Why being fully seen feels terrifying
09:16 - New boundaries, new opinions, new you
11:30 - The fear of being called selfish
13:46 - Not everyone will love the real you (and that’s okay)
17:13 - Would you live differently if you stopped caring what people think?
20:15 - The most powerful realization about being fully seen

#MidlifeWomen #MidlifeCrisis #MidlifeGlowUp #SpicyMidlife #WomenOver40 #WomenOver50 #AuthenticLiving #StopPeoplePleasing #BeYourself #InnerWork #SelfWorth #MidlifeMotivation #BoldWomen #Unapologetic #FemaleEmpowerment #HealingJourney #PersonalGrowth #HotMessExpress #FullySeen #RealTalk

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?! 

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and DM the word "spicy" to get more info about the online 1:1 coaching program called Step into Spicy Confidence - 

See the links below👇 

Step Into Spicy Confidence 1:1 Coaching Application/Waitlist Form

Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

Discover Our Exclusive Range at Spicy Midlife Women

Transcript

One On One Coaching Invitation

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey all you midlife women out there, are you ready to step into spicy confidence?

SPEAKER_00 0:04

If the answer is yes, then we have some exciting news to share. We are launching a one-on-one coaching program for midlife women who want to start showing up as the most confident version of themselves and who aren't afraid to go after what they really want.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

This coaching program will help you discover your voice, embrace your desires, and develop your inner confidence so that you can truly live the authentic life you want without holding back.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

There are only three spots available, ladies, so head to the link in the show notes and apply now. Now let's get into the episode.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Hey

What Being Fully Seen Really Means

SPEAKER_01 0:38

everybody, we are diving in today talking about what it means to be fully seen in midlife. And uh we're not talking about, you know, how you're looking on the outside. It's all about your persona of who you really are. And uh we're gonna dive into a few topics um relating to this and as, you know, things that we move through in midlife, right, Jules? Um the stuff that we kind of uh we're we're putting on a show, I think a lot of the a lot of the time as we're moving through different situations. Uh, what are some of those things do you think?

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Well, I think it's kind of beautiful and cool to think about being fully seen in midlife until you realize that um people might discover that you have actually been super nice about a lot of things and organized and emotionally available and evolved when in reality you're a fucking hot mess and you're just putting on a good show.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

And they didn't really give a shit. No. Uh, but we're putting on the good face, aren't we? Yeah. We all do it. We all do it. That's the funny part about it. Especially as women, though. Yeah. I I think especially as women, because we are taking charge of so many things in life, whether it's family in the career, we that's just the nature of who we are. And so uh there is gonna be some persona that happens when it's really not what we're thinking or feeling on the inside.

The Dinner Choice You Never Say

SPEAKER_01 2:05

I mean, here's an example.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Think about like you're with a group of people. This happened to me last week when I was on a trip with my family. It's everybody's like, where do you want to eat? What do you want? And I'm always like, you know what? I'm good, whatever you guys want. But when reality, I really wanted Mexican food. Yeah. But I knew that one of us, one of the people in the group, doesn't like Mexican food. And so I wanted to make everybody happy. Yeah. When I really just wanted Mexican food, but I didn't say that. Yeah. I got it the next day instead, you know. Yeah. But um, you just say whatever you're you try to keep at peace. Yeah, you know, and in some circ circumstances, I think that is kind of the rise above it thing to do. Uh, but in others, you know, it's kind of a thing here, you just feel like, God damn it, I want my Mexican question, question. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Uh what do you think if your if your friends are family, right? Or even your coworkers could have access to your unfiltered thoughts for a day. What what do you think would be the outcome of that? Do you think I think they'd do a 72-hour hold on me? Dude, there was a movie. I cannot think of what the name of the movie was, but there was a movie where that happened. The guy, like everybody could hear what he was really thinking.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah, and it probably wasn't great. You know, it's not great. I mean, that's the whole thing. We we filter ourselves. I guess the point of that is we do filter ourselves, and there's things we're saying on the inside, like our inside thoughts. We've done a couple funny videos about inside thoughts on TikTok. But uh, yeah, I mean, there are so many times when I'm inside my head going, Oh my god, what a raging nightmare this person is. But I am being very professional and pleasant on the outside.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

You can imagine if they heard those thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yeah. It was like, bitch, you need to just go do something else. Or maybe you need to retire.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

But that's like women, that's what I'm saying is women become really good at uh perception. Yes,

Inside Thoughts And People Pleasing

SPEAKER_01 3:54

right? Yeah, managing that, managing the perception of of who we are. And I think we've spent so many years doing that. Um, not wanting to be needy. Right. We don't want to seem that way when we really kind of are, can be, right? And uh we don't want to seem difficult, we don't want to seem selfish. So we're very uh we don't want to seem like we're too much. Well, it's like the whole people pleasing thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

Yeah, yeah, it's the the whole thing about being too much. I was I saw this, uh, I was watching this program the other day. This is a great example. And these people, this girl in particular, was probably 30. She wasn't, she wasn't, you know, she wasn't in her midlife yet, but this was something she was already dealing with. Headed that way. Yeah. And having uh a very vulnerable conversation with someone else. And I thought it was so interesting to hear her say, you know, I always have kind of reserved a little small corner of myself that I don't let anybody else see. And the other person that was talking with her was saying, Well, why is that? And she goes, Because I just I feel like I'm gonna get rejected, or I feel like I'm too much, and that person's not gonna want to be around me. And it's like, those are the inside thoughts. I have those thoughts. I've certainly had those things before we probably all have that little corner. Yeah. And there are people who are just like, oh, she's too much for me, or whatever, when you really kind of let your inner self out or you let your voice out or whatever. But you know what? Maybe they're not your people. They're not the people that you really care about being around, nor do you care what they think. Yeah. You know, and that's the that's the the kind of spicy truth about midlife, is that we are getting to the point where we're evolving past being concerned about what everybody else is thinking. And I think we temper what we choose to temper, or at least that's where I'm kind of becoming. I'm getting in that place. But oh my God, there are so many circumstances that I can think of where I've just kept the peace or been too agreeable, or, you know, I'm trying to be more accommodating. And it goes back to maybe that people-pleasing thing we've talked about in some of these episodes.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

We edit those things.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Oh, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

We carefully edit what we say and what we need and what we want, just like you were saying about dinner the other night. Um, or if we're angry, you know, we're we're we become our own publicists because we're editing.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

And um trying to keep the peace. We don't want yet, you know, how exhausted we are, all the things that go along with that. And then as we're moving into midlife and becoming more aware that it's okay to be these things, and it's a little surprising because, you know, we're a little bit shocked. Yeah. At people not recognizing or understanding who we are at this time because we're starting to be a little bit more vocal and expressive and you know, setting those boundaries and being out loud and and we're starting to show ourselves. I guess that's what I mean when when we talk about being fully seen. We're starting to open up and show.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

And I guess we really are losing the um concern to some degree. Yeah. Because yeah, there are people certainly. I mean, think about like when you go on vacation or you're around people, you know you're never gonna see them again. Think about Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, um, yeah. Yeah. Um, we're not gonna go there. But um, but my point being is that you wear things that you would never probably wear at home, you do things you would probably never do. You know nobody is ever gonna, it's never gonna get back to anybody. You just do what you want to do. Yeah. It's very liberating feeling. Yeah. But being in your normal everyday life, you know, I have been in circumstances or been around people where you go and they're older, maybe like older in their 80s or whatever, where you're going, oh damn, she's lost her filter. And this is kind of, I think, what they could maybe have dementia or something. Yeah, something too, lost their filter. But they're also kind of potentially at that place where they're like they're just not editing like you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

That could be our next podcast, right? Like spicy midlife women and beyond. Yeah, yeah, beyond midlife.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

That's probably the next step. I don't want to get to that point for quite some time. Um, but we if you think about you know, that generation that's ahead of us, it's like the uh filtering or lack of filtering is probably something that's happening without people even knowing it because there has been a tremendous filter on women that are in our age group or even older than us because that is that's what they know, that's how they've been raised. Oh my golly, they're not gonna try to do it any differently. You know, it scares them a little bit to do it that way. So um the filtering thing, I think it happens in a very um natural way because that's what we've done. So anyway, getting back to that uh concept of being in midlife and not filtering, I think this is where you're consciously thinking about it. You know, it's

Choosing To Drop The Filter

SPEAKER_00 8:50

not a natural progression necessarily, it's a conscious choice to stop filtering yourself in the same way.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Well, and and it probably seems great. And that's like this next point that being fully seen can seem a little bit terrifying. Yeah. When you really jump in and think about it, it sounds great until you know people might start disagreeing with you and there's a little bit of conflict or you know, discord among family with some of the situations that might arise from you being a little more vocal, from you choosing to be a little more seen, to being okay with being needy and making it known that you are, different things like that.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

What you're kind of saying then, what I'm hearing you say then is that you know there are potentially repercussions. Yeah, choosing to lose a little bit of that filter or choosing, quote, to be seen. There will be. Because not everybody's gonna be super pleased with the direction you're going. And I think moreover, you have to be so strong in your convictions about the things that you're saying or the things you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Well, I feel like we keep going back to an episode we did recently, which was about, you know, who benefits when you stay the same, right? Uh, and and this is all part of that because as you move through midlife, you're going to uh, you know, with these things we're talking about, it's about getting or having or recognizing new, and I don't know that they're necessarily new priorities, but they're priorities that possibly you've had that you are opening up to and letting other people see that these are priorities. Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

So there were priorities on your list that you weren't really entertaining.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

When we were, well, we were editing, yeah, and we were, you know, uh not prioritizing those things. So, and and having new boundaries and and setting those, making those known, having new opinions. Uh and I'm using the word new uh because that's what it's gonna seem like to other people. Yeah. Um it could be that you've had these, that we've had these all along within that corner of ourselves that maybe nobody else knows about that you were talking about earlier. Um, but they're not necessarily new to you, but they will be to other people. Right. And it's liberating and it's freeing once you start exposing those and letting people see a little bit of who you really are as you move through midlife.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Well, and that's opening that up thing. That's where people, like you said, are gonna be like, oh my God, who are you? And what did you do with Julie? Or who are you and what did you do with Michelle? The Michelle I know, the Michelle I enjoy. And I think uh a good response to that would be, well, the old Michelle was existing, the new Michelle's living, you know, where you're choosing consciously to do things a little bit differently, and it is going to put some people off. Yeah. And I think that's the thing we really need to emphasize because it takes I I would say it takes some courage, your inner kind of courage to be able to make these conscious choices. Sure. Because you know you're gonna get pushed back. Yeah. And and it's not to say that the people around you are not supporting you because they are probably your family, your close ties, or people that support you, but they're supporting the you that they know. And if you've been like you were saying before, editing yourself, they don't really know you. Yeah, you know, they don't know the things that necessarily are important to you.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

And there there will be a fear, I'm sure, as this starts, as this starts happening, as you start recognizing the liberating feeling that comes with so much of this that you're able to be okay with now. Um, that you know, there are women and we all fear, you know, the disappointing of people. We think about those things because, you know, back to what we were talking about earlier, you know, we're editing because we're being careful about that. So as we open up and expose, there is, you know, could be a fear of disappointing people, looking selfish, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:39

I think that's I think that's the big one with me that I've noticed. Selfishness. Yeah, kind of giving that perception of of being selfish, like taking the time for yourself or like taking taking time away from things or from other people, you know. And uh that's it, and I think that goes back to like maybe my Catholic upbringing. Yeah, you know, the gap that goes along with something, and I'm I'm saying that very seriously because that's something that just kind of goes in the back of your mind. But I would in, you know, the old me would rather, you know, move across the country than turn someone down for something that I knew was so important to them. And the new me or the evolved me, I would say, is there's no moving across the country unless that's what I want to do. Right. Um I like that. Yeah, but I might find other ways to be able to solve the problem instead of it being so black and white.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Yeah, it I mean, it's not like we're saying, fuck everybody, we don't care what you think, we're gonna do what we want to do, we're gonna say what we want to say. Um, you know, there there is a way of going about this, you're doing it. It's just it's a process. Um, but but I think the important thing is, you know, finally coming to the realization that you can stop apologizing for it. You don't have to feel sorry for it, you don't have to worry about is it gonna create conflict? Um, move through it, do the things, and um, you know, like I I don't even know how to explain it. Um cleaning up the clutter along the way and and putting things away neatly and figuring it all out. It's like rearranging a room. It's it's if that makes sense. I don't know if I'm making sense there, but um, you know, it's what we're doing with life. That's how I feel a lot of times in my life. I feel like I'm throwing mud up against the wall to see what sticks.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

Yeah, you know, so not everyone is going to love the fully expressed version of you, yeah, because they're comfortable with, like I mentioned before, you know, the the you that they know.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

But you also have to remember that those people that we're referring to are also people that have not evolved potentially or even had a conversation with somebody or a thought about it because they are just living their life the way that they've always lived it. Yeah. So that and you are that person too, unless you make the changes that put you in a position where you're living a happier life or you're living a more fulfilled life. Right. You

Stop Auditioning For Approval

SPEAKER_00 14:58

know, more complete. You know, whatever that looks like for you, it's gonna be different for everybody. So um, I think the magic of midlife is just realizing that you don't have to freaking audition for anything anymore. Yeah. You know, unless you want to. Right. If you want to audition literally for a play, yeah, you can do that, but you don't have to audition to be in somebody's life or to be accepted or whatever. There's plenty of people that are not gonna like you. Right. Believe me, I'm very much aware of that. There's people that I'm just not their cup of tea. Yeah. And then there's others that are my people. And I'm okay with the fact that I'm not gonna be everybody's favorite person. Does that make me sad? Yes, of course it does, because they're missing out on so much. Okay, I'm just joking.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

Yeah, it's it's okay, like say no. Yeah, change your mind. Yeah, uh, you know, have different different dreams if that's what you want. A lot of things that we, you know, we talk about uh on where we're at in midlife, you know, start a business. Wear the weird outfit, Michelle. Wear the weird outfit, go to the event or don't go to the event. You know, it's really whatever it is you want to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

So it is being okay with that, you know, be mindful of your editing that you're doing of yourself. And when you're doing that, ask the questions as to why. You know, are you doing it because you're trying to keep the peace? Are you doing it because you you don't want to be misunderstood or you don't want to be uh in a position where you're not accepted? And there might be groups where you feel more so that way. I mean, I can think of you know, going back to before midlife, even when I was around people that I really liked, but we were came from different backgrounds, and I found myself handling things differently when I was with them, or even using different language when I was with them, or things like that, because it was like they were it was a different environment. And then me going, that's so not me. Like I'd have to, I'd have it was like I was exhausted when I came home. So those aren't my people, and that's what it took me a while to figure out. Yeah, you know, I like these people, but and they're not judging me necessarily, but I just don't feel like I fit in their realm.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

But you know, we all do that. We're gonna spend time with these these people, these groups of people where you know it is a circumstance like that. But are we gonna spend a majority of our time with those folks? Probably not. Uh, you know, that's that's a thing too, is is we I know I am, I'm more aware of who I have in my surroundings, who I have in my circles, who I have in my house, and who I don't have in my house. Right.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Okay, let me ask you this then.

What Would You Do Differently

SPEAKER_00 17:35

If there if there was something that you could do where you feel like you would stop worrying about everyone else, what they're thinking, what they're doing, what they, you know, the perception of you, whatever. Is there anything that you would do differently or that you would want to do?

SPEAKER_01 17:51

If I didn't have to worry about what people were were thinking. Yeah. Uh you know, right now I can honestly say I don't know. That's a good question, but I don't know that there is. I'm pretty, pretty uh well comfortable with how I'm living, what I do, the things I do, how I do them, when I do them, who I do them with, yeah, um, or who I don't do them with. So what about you? What about you?

SPEAKER_00 18:17

Well, I was thinking about this question because I was asking about it, and there really is nothing that that comes to top of mind except for things that they have really nothing to do with other people. Like we were talking about um the daughter of your boyfriend and how he or she is bungee jumping off of a bridge and you're showing me this video. Yeah, I'm thinking about myself being in that video. And this is a great example because I'm like, if I did that, I think my kids would commit me. I swear to God, they would be like, What the fuck are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 18:49

But your kids do that about some of the things you do already, Julie, right? They're like, Oh, there she goes, there she goes, getting another tattoo. Which, which is really kind of great when you I mean, think about what you just said. You know, it's you can joke about it because yeah, they probably would say all those things, but they do that already with some of the stuff that you do. And how great is it that you can live your life? Let's let's just kind of go to the end here, being fully seen like that. Isn't isn't it great? Okay, so here's a thing. You know they think you're crazy, some of the things, but you do it anyway. My life's who you are. Yeah, what my life is.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

I saw that the other day. I was like, it says CRA to start. I love that. I'm really not crazy, you guys. I'm just a little out there sometimes. But anyway, going back to that example, I'm thinking about me being on the bridge and jumping and thinking about them going, Are you epping crazy? I would do it anyway.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

So it's like I would definitely think about the thing, the things that would make me pause.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Okay, there's some things that I probably do. Like now that we're talking about this.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Like use beef tallow on your declete. God women telling us this woman knew all her beauty secrets. She's gonna share them all. But it's like I I I think that they would be like, Oh my god, it's like we'll pick you up off the pavement, you know. Yeah, but uh and they they wouldn't do it, they're scaredy cats, they wouldn't do it. But that's them, yeah, you know, it's like that's totally them. But they would look at me and just go, mom, there she goes again. Yeah, you know, just they just worry about you. Yeah, they worry, yeah. They worry, yeah. They were they worry about me dating, they worry about me being in a in a house where the windows are on the main level, and yeah, I'm just like that's all part of midlife too.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Having grown children that worry about their mom. Yeah, whatever. And I was like, they need to stop. We love it, yeah. They need they really need to stop.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

My boys don't really worry about me. Yeah, they worry a little too much. So maybe I've given them pause to do that. I don't know. Yeah, totally a side note. But anyway, um, getting back to all of this.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

But I I love that. I think that's so great. Like the what you just said is really, I I think one of the best things that we just have talked about in this episode. And and that is being at a place where you can fully be seen with the choices that you're making and being okay with the choices that you're making, regardless of what some of the opinions might be that are surrounding you from other people in your life. But that's really some of the stuff that people love us the most for. Really when it comes down to it, it really is.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

We'll get into this a little more when we get into our episode about dating younger people because there was a lot of comments from my children about that.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

That's a whole nother that's that's a whole other episode. So, ladies, being fully seen in midlife, it's liberating, it's freeing, it's fun, and it's freaking what you need to do. So go do it. Yeah, go do it.

Where To Find Us And Join

SPEAKER_01 21:45

And go check us out on all the socials. We are we are out on all of them Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. We have a lot of fun there, and we are on YouTube. You can watch us uh on video there. And if you do that, please remember to subscribe. We would love to have you.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

And then a little side note too, Michelle, about our uh community. We also have our coaching program that's out there that's really talking about a lot of things tailored to you personally and developing that spicy side in midlife. So if you're interested in hearing a little bit more about that, just DM us the word spicy. We can send you a little information, but we are really looking forward to spending time with uh with a couple of women, not really very many. We want to do this one-on-one and just give you all of our attention.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

So yeah, our link is in the bios on all our socials. It's a stand store link, and we actually have merchandise there. Um, the coaching program information is there, the link to our podcast is there, so that's definitely something for you to check out. We appreciate all of you. We love our midlife spicy community. And until next week, Jules.

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Um, I'm gonna be spicy. I don't know about you.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

I'm gonna stay spicy.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

Alrighty. All right, peace out, people. Bye.