58. Ditch the Good Girl After 50

#WomenOver50 #PersonalGrowth #SelfWorth #MidlifeConfidence #peoplepleasing 

Have you spent years putting everyone else first, avoiding conflict, and trying to keep everyone happy?

If you're a woman over 50, you may have been living under the "Good Girl" mindset without even realizing it. In this episode, we explore how women can break free from people-pleasing, stop seeking approval, set healthy boundaries, and finally choose themselves without guilt.

Discover how to reclaim your voice, honor your desires, and embrace the confidence that comes with midlife. It's never too late to stop shrinking yourself and start living authentically.

💬 What is one thing you've stopped doing to please others? Share your experience in the comments!

🔔 Subscribe for more conversations about confidence, self-worth, relationships, personal growth, and thriving after 50.

What You'll Learn
✔️ What the "Good Girl Mentality" really is
✔️ Why women over 50 struggle with people-pleasing
✔️ How to stop seeking approval from others
✔️ The power of setting boundaries without guilt
✔️ Why saying "No" is a form of self-respect
✔️ How to express your opinions confidently
✔️ The hidden cost of always being agreeable
✔️ Why your desires matter at every age
✔️ How to stop abandoning yourself for others
✔️ Practical ways to start choosing yourself today

Timestamps
00:00 Introduction
00:28 What Is The Good Girl Mentality?
02:30 Real-Life Example of Breaking Free
04:15 Why Women Over 50 People-Please
07:00 Rewriting Your Internal Rules
09:00 The Problem With "Should"
11:00 Owning Your Desires
13:50 Practice Disappointing People
15:20 Learning To Say No
16:40 Midlife Confidence & Self-Expression
19:00 Pleasure, Rest & Personal Ambition
20:30 Stop Abandoning Yourself
21:20 Coaching & Final Thoughts
22:00 Choose Yourself & Stay Authentic

#WomenOver50 #StopPeoplePleasing #GoodGirlMentality #ChooseYourself #MidlifeTransformation #SelfWorth#midlifewomen #ConfidenceOver50 #PeoplePleaser #PersonalGrowth
#WomenEmpowerment #healthyboundaries #SelfRespect
#MidlifeWomen #LifeAfter50 #Over50Lifestyle #MindsetShift# EmotionalHealing #SelfLove #PersonalDevelopment
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Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and DM the word "spicy" to get more info about the online 1:1 coaching program called Step into Spicy Confidence - 

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Transcript

Spicy Confidence Coaching Invite

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey all you midlife women out there, are you ready to step into spicy confidence?

SPEAKER_02 0:04

If the answer is yes, then we have some exciting news to share. We are launching a one-on-one coaching program for midlife women who want to start showing up as the most confident version of themselves and who aren't afraid to go after what they really want.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

This coaching program will help you discover your voice, embrace your desires, and develop your inner confidence so that you can truly live the authentic life you want without holding back.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

There are only three spots available, ladies, so head to the link in the show notes and apply now. Now let's get into the

What The Good Girl Mentality Is

SPEAKER_02 0:37

episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

This episode is all about unlearning the good girl mentality after 50.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

And what do you what do you think that means, Julie?

SPEAKER_02 0:49

You know, about being agreeable and accommodating and uh not really expressing how you feel about things.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

That's the good girl mentality. Yeah. Yeah. So can do you have a time? This we were talking a little bit about the unlearning of the good girl mentality and really what that means. And we were asking each other if if we could think of a time recently where we decided to do that, like ditch the good girl mentality.

Campfire Story: Speaking Up

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Well, you had a great example. I I did. I was I was thinking about so the other night I was over at some friend's house. We were gathered around a campfire and we were doing some party planning. And um all of a sudden it was getting really complicated. The party planning was getting complicated, and I was just sitting there kind of over it. And like the good girl mentality in me, when we talk about the good girl mentality, it would have been me just keeping my thoughts to myself as opposed to speaking up and asking questions and like why why are we bringing, why are we talking about this stuff? Why can we just plan the party and invite the people? That's that's kind of what I was saying. Why do we have to accommodate every fucking body? I said that too, because we were trying to, you know, think about all these things that you we had to do, you know. And they were trying to kind of accommodate people with children with children and neighbors and pets and different things like that. And and I was just over it. Now the good girl mentality, yeah, really even not long ago, but I would say, you know, in years previous, I I would have just quietly been agreeable and you know and then not been available when the gone letting gone along with it and had a good girl. I I wasn't. Yeah. That's where I was thinking about it. I was like, I guess I have kind of ditched in some ways and in some circumstances that good girl mentality. And you know, I I spoke up. I really said what was on my mind. Now, what I didn't do, because in my mind I saw myself walking away.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

And listening to saying my P Yeah, pretty much mic drop and I'm out. But I I didn't do that. So maybe I'm not completely there, but it was close.

Poise, Silence, And Being “Too Much”

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Yeah. I I I think I've ditched a lot of them already. We were talking about that. I and some of it, I I balance this out with um, there's kind of a time and a place I found for different things. And I think about a woman being poised and like displaying confidence and being able to share what's on her mind. And sometimes as a person who is kind of shedding that mentality, saying nothing might be appropriate. In this particular circumstance, that wasn't the case. Right. But it's like when I find that I'm in that place where I'm like, you people are making me fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

And I I'll just say, you know what, this really doesn't make any sense. Or I'm I'm not very polished sometimes about the way I approach some of those things. And I've had to get better about that over time.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

I can attest to that.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Yeah. Well, and and sometimes things come out and you don't really mean it to sound as bitchy as it does, but it does sound bitchy, and you're like, oh shit, that's not how I meant that. Because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings or whatever. But um there there are different, different as aspects to that, I think that we can talk about.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Yeah, and I do agree though, with the the silence, sometimes is is the the better way to go. Sometimes it says a lot more. Yeah. But, anyways, this the in talking about the good girl mentality to Julie's point, it is about um women and how often we tend to be the agreeable ones, right? Right. Uh avoiding the conflict, like she said, prioritizing other people. Yeah, huge all the time before we do that for ourselves. And that'd be and that's such a habit, you guys, that we don't even realize sometimes that we're doing it.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

That's what we think about first, you know. So putting yourself first sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

And our desires, yeah, shrinking those. Yeah, you know, making them smaller so that we can accommodate, you know, things that are going around, you know, on around us and others and what they want. Yeah. So um, and I think it's especially like that for women over 50 because of the generational expectations um that are there for women now that are, you know, that Gen X age and um and and it's kind of like we need we need to be wearing some of this stuff with kind of a little badge of pride though. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:18

Because you think about how we've grown up, the things that we've put up with, the things that we didn't even know we didn't know, you know, no social media, you know, all that kind of stuff. And now we're in a world where, you know, everybody has an opinion that they're providing on something or another. Yeah. And we have to kind of, I don't know. I with me, I'm kind of picking and choosing on the things that I uh want to uh convey my personal message on because if I did it on everything, then my message probably wouldn't have as much weight, you know, especially with the people that I'm around.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

If I was always giving them my opinion on stuff, sometimes there's you you know, that that um being labeled difficult or being too much can go along with that.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Um well, and we were talking about that before. It's like I have definitely felt that before where it's like I am just way more than this person can handle. And I'm not saying that in a way where I'm like all that in a bag of chips. That's not what I'm saying. It's just more that my personality or the way that I would approach something was overpowering. And perhaps it's because, you know, they're much more introverted or much more timid on a specific topic or something. It doesn't mean they're not strong people, just you know, they're keeping their mouths shut for whatever reason. And, you know, I always want to stick up for the bad guy or stir not, I'm sorry, not stick up for the bad guy, stick up for the good guy or, you know, the the underdog, you know, that sort of thing. Yeah. So I would, of course, be out there

Rewrite The Rules And Drop “Should”

SPEAKER_02 6:46

doing that.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

Well, and I think one of uh so let's talk about some of the things as far as the unlearning part, right? Um, I think one of one of the things that um it takes to be able to do that is uh rewriting some of those internal rules that we have. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

So examples of that would be like uh make we don't want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable or we don't want to act ask for too much, or we don't want to take up space. That's definitely not one of mine. But you know what I mean? It's like you don't want to have to be the person that everybody's like catering to in a room or what have you, so other people don't get time and attention with you know, the host or whatever the case may be.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Yeah. And that's those are the things we're used to. So rewriting when it comes to rewriting those rules, and I'm just gonna go back to the example that I shared, right? You know, uh, I I probably did make some people uncomfortable as we were.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

I knew I you know what, Michelle, you probably did, but at the same time, you were probably saying something out loud that someone else was thinking. It actually, yeah, probably. Yeah. And they're like, right on. I'm glad Michelle said something, you know.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

I didn't want to say it. Yeah. Kind of a thing. Um, but but but that's kind of what we're talking about, re-rewriting those internal rules. Like, okay, this might make some people uncomfortable. And this can go with friends, this can go with families, this can go in the workplace, in relationships, you know, all kinds of different settings. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

Like re-we've talked about boundaries before, but it's really about kind of honing in on what your quote boundary is around a specific thing.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

And dropping, you know, what you're quote supposed to do. I keep saying quote unquote, you know, my little air quotes. Yeah. I I I have a a huge time, hard time with the word supposed to and should. I have a big, I have a big problem with the word should because I and I use it. It's not like I haven't used it myself, but I'm very conscious of what I do with that word because that is putting my expectations on someone else, or societal expectations on someone else. And then that person who's trying to drop whatever that good girl um activity is, or the way they respond to something, feels guilty or feels like they're getting the pressure to conform in a certain way. And that's what I believe that that does.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

The should. Yeah. The should word.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

The should word. It's like a four-letter word that's more than four letters.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Yeah, yeah. I know. That is a a pet peeve of yours for sure. Yeah, and I really should get over it. Yeah, you should. Yeah. Um, but yeah, so uh, you know, rewrite some of those rules. Think think about what some of those things might be. It's okay, really. It's okay if somebody is uncomfortable by something that you maybe are expressing. Yeah. It's it's okay because, you know, if it's not okay, why is it okay for you to have the internal anxiety about what you're not saying? Exactly. You know? So it just flip the script.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

But see, that's the that's the benefit and the kind of blessing of that experience and getting older.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

Uh, and seeing what it feels like from another perspective, like over the course of time. And you're just like, I don't want to do that anymore. Yeah.

Desire And Practice Disappointing People

SPEAKER_02 10:07

You know, let's talk about desire too. I mean, that's another way to kind of put this in here. Good girls, especially Catholic girls. Oh, they're talking about something else. Um, you know, we suppress desire and um grown women, women who have kind of come into themselves, they own it. They own the desire. That's not to say this isn't about, this isn't a sexual thing. I know I made a joke about being Catholic, but it's it's it's really more about kind of learning what works for you and feeling okay with stepping outside of what you've been taught.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:40

Because a lot of that is taught behavior, learned behavior, yes, the way you respond to things, the way that you choose to carry yourself, you know, in a situation. Those are all things we've learned, you know, over time. And so when we are grown, and I'm not just talking about age, I'm talking about uh maturity on a certain topic or experience, I should say, maybe on a certain topic, you kind of come into the point where, you know, I'm not having the most um popular opinion, but it's my opinion, and I own it whether people don't like it or not.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:13

That is more of a a grown woman's response, I would think, to something that's controversial.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

Yeah, that's the unlearned good girl. Yeah. Yeah. So another way with regard to this is I know this is gonna sound weird, but practice disappointing people. Yeah. I know that sounds mean almost in a way, and it kind of it will rub people the wrong way when when you hear that, you know, practice disappointing people. What what does that look like? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

Well, do you feel do you feel like in the back of your mind does the word selfish come up? Like when you hear things like that.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

I mean, yeah, yeah, selfish.

SPEAKER_02 11:52

I when I think of, you know, women asserting their independence, I think sometimes it comes across as them being uh, you know, selfish, you know, it it because they are putting themselves first. And it's like, and we we talk about putting yourself first, putting your ideas for whatever it is. And I can totally see how people would be hesitant about that, especially around people that that support them and that they, you know, their family, they're really close friends, that kind of thing, because that is where that shift happens and they know when that shift happens, yeah, that there are potential repercussions from it, you know. And so that's where you have to kind of learn to be accepting of the fact that you're not gonna make everybody happy. You're not gonna be everybody's cup of tea. No, and it doesn't mean that you love them any less. It just means that you don't necessarily think the same way and you're, you know, sharing that with the people that are around you.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

And and when I say practice disappointing people, you know, disap disappointment is not danger. No. I mean, it's not dangerous, right? Um, it's a sign that you're honoring yourself. Yeah, really. Because if everyone, I mean, think about it, if everyone's happy with you, you're probably abandoning yourself in some way, shape, or form.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

They don't know you.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Yeah. They truly don't know you.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

I mean, people that are super agreeable all the time, uh ultra accommodating, you know, not necessarily giving their opinion on things. Uh I mean, I I have someone in my life like that, and I I have to literally get down and say, just tell me what it is that you want. Uh-huh. Because it's more like, well, whatever you think is good, you know, whatever you're comfortable with, whatever you want to do. And I'm like, give me your fucking opinion. I want your opinion. I'm asking for it. Right. But, you know, the person I'm thinking of is very set in the uh good girl mentality, has been in that will never probably be out of it. Yeah. It's just the way that person is. And, you know, I've come to accept it, but at the same time, answer my question, you know. Yeah. Just makes me crazy. Yeah. So uh it's not you, Michelle. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

That's good. No, it's not you. No, I wouldn't, I I that's definitely not you. I wasn't thinking so. Um, but you know, just I guess one way to maybe practice this is, you know, maybe giving uh just like a micro no. Not not this huge flat out, you know, I'm gonna disappoint the world in somebody's life today. But, you know, at work or yeah, somewhere maybe where you typically are just the yes person and you're agreeing and trying to make everybody happy, maybe just try a little bit of a no at some point this week in some situation. And then don't switch it around when they don't respond well. Yeah. Yeah. And then stick to it. Yeah. Stick to it.

Micro No And Real Life Examples

SPEAKER_02 14:36

Yeah, these are all things that we talk about co in our coaching program quite a bit. Um, the idea of uh the way we put this of being a good girl, you know, or, you know, kind of staying within the expectations that you have been raised with is a hard thing to adjust your mindset to changing.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

Um, especially if you're not really around people who are, you know, comfortable with it. And that's a lot of why people don't switch or change or become more vocal about something, or they just kind of don't do anything because they don't want to make waves. They don't want to cause conflict or problems. And that's not what we're suggesting. We're not saying cause conflict and problems in your life. We're saying we want you to put yourself in a position where you feel more comfortable being yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Whatever that looks like. You know, maybe maybe your good girl shedding is that you're gonna dye your hair a different color, like blue. Or because that's what you want to do. Because that's what you want to do. Or maybe you're gonna get a tattoo and you're like people around you are mortified that you're gonna do something like that. I know that sounds kind of like a little bit of a little bit of a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

Yes, that's true. Right? Oh god, she dyed her hair blue. Like, what is she thinking? She's always wanted to do it, but she just never could before. So, so you you know, really searching the things that are true to yourself in in regard to not abandoning what some of your priorities are that you know that you want, and then go after them. Yep, you know, a little bit at a time or however. I mean, think about the different things that this can this can happen as far as you know, being the good girl and abandoning yourself is what I'm talking about, and how important it is to unlearn that. Because there's um the categories that I'm thinking, you know, one being pleasure. I mean, we've talked about that in in some of our episodes. The the pleasure factoring, yeah, let's uh in with regard to sex, we don't we don't have to keep it high level, you know, in a partnership or relationship. I think there's many times that women abandon what their desires are. They're being the good girl, prioritizing the other person and want them to feel good. Now, I'm there, there's like there's a scale, there's weights, there's goods, there's bads, there's ups, there's downs, you know, all of those things that go along with that. But um, I I guess the message here is examine that. If that's something that you do, you know, maybe you need to do a micro no next time you're having a love sesh, right? Or a micro, hey, how about doing something the other way?

SPEAKER_02 17:12

Or I would really like this. A little, you know, wink wink, you know, let's try this. Yeah. Um well, and again, when you think about pleasure, you think about intimacy, it's like we were raised, we could, I mean, this is not everybody, but a lot of people out there were raised with, you know, a very conservative upbringing and background. Yeah. We're having uh the thoughts about pleasure, the thoughts about, you know, expressing what you would want are were completely unheard of. Yeah. And even going into, you know, your adult years. I mean, there's a lot of women out there now who have never told their partner what they want, you know, or what they don't want. You know, they just haven't had the conversation because it's uncomfortable. And it's like, if you want what you want, you kind of have to go out of your way to maybe express that in those circumstances. And, you know, maybe your partner doesn't even know what you're talking about, but you don't know what you don't know. They're not going to be able to do that. I want to show them a video or something.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

So they can learn. Yeah, there you go. Right? But you know, pleasure, that's just, you know, one example. One example of that, but there's there's rest. We need rest. Yeah. We sometimes don't do that because we're doing and trying to keep everybody else happy. Yep. Right? Being the good girl. Ambition in in our professions. We let others, we're being the good girl, you know, we're we're not getting after it uh because we let others go before us, because we're keeping the peace, you know. Uh creativity,

Coaching Details And Where To Find Us

SPEAKER_00 18:36

same thing. There's just there's like really almost every aspect of your life. Um, there is a way that you probably have been or are abandoning yourself. And it's because of the good girls that we have within us as women. And now that we're midlife women.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

If you abandon, then you're feeling like you're, you know, not in not in a good place.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Well, I I think good girls, they like that's what we're talking about, they suppress those desires. But once you're like when you're a grown woman, take pride in owning that. Yeah. Own that shit. Own that shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:13

Yeah, I totally agree with you on that. Yeah. So some of this, like we talked about a second ago, goes directly into our coaching program. And we have uh a pretty intimate small group because we want to be able to spend the quality time. And Michelle and I do these together. And we really have intake forms that give us details on the things that you're struggling with and what we can do to we we basically will take that and and form the material around what it is that you need.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:45

And be able to work with you one-on-one. And it's um, it's pretty exciting actually.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

You know, to see women come into their own or really just get another perspective on something and you just see the lights go on. So uh if you're interested in learning more about that, that's right. Right. And do it with your eyebrows up. You know, like you're if you don't have Botox on your forehead, you can do that, right? Yeah. Tell them where it's at, Jules. Yeah, we well, we're on um, we have uh the links in our bio and then we also have it in the show notes. And or if you'd like to just reach out to us separately, you can DM the word spicy to us and we can give you more details on it.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Yeah, we're on all the social we're on all the social platforms. Yep. YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

Yep. And if you uh do get over to YouTube, please go ahead and subscribe and like, we would love that. And leave comments. We like comments, anyways. Um unlearn that good girl behavior, ladies, and uh own that sophistication of uh coming into yourself. That's right. Yeah. Okay, and until next week. All right, stay spicy. Yeah, drop mentality, stay spicy. All right, okay, bye, bye.