60. How to be Soft and Strong in Midlife

#SpicyConfidence #StopBeingNice #BoundariesMatter #softandstrong 

STOP being Nice and start being SOFT and STRONG at the same time. In this episode, we break down the real difference between being a pushover and being a woman who leads with her heart AND her boundaries.

We're sharing raw, real stories  from helping an ex-husband through a health scare at the grocery store, to a house guest who tried to take advantage of our kindness. If you've ever felt guilty for saying no, or wondered if being "too nice" is actually holding you back... this episode is for you.

You'll learn how to:
✅ Redefine softness as strength, not weakness
✅ Set boundaries without losing your kindness
✅ Use the "10-second rule" before reacting emotionally
✅ Stop overcompensating for what YOU didn't get growing up
✅ Say no without guilt or over-explaining

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS
00:00 – Intro: Episode 60, Being Soft & Strong
00:48 – The soft + strong power combo
01:22 – Warrior queen & emotional marshmallow
02:43 – Redefining softness (it's not weakness)
03:49 – Story: helping her ex-husband at the grocery store
06:10 – When kindness gets tested (Airbnb guest story)
08:39 – Living for yourself, not others' reactions
09:51 – Boundaries: what real strength means
10:42 – Wearing both hats during a crisis
11:39 – Self-trust & the power of saying no
12:36 – Strength protects softness (especially with kids)
13:24 – Soft with kids, but tough love when needed
14:26 – Healing your inner child through parenting
15:39 – Reassessing boundaries as you evolve
16:41 – The 10-second rule
17:30 – Our 1:1 coaching program (limited spots)
18:09 – Final thoughts + stay spicy

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👇 COMMENT below: When have YOU had to be soft and strong at the same time? We want to hear your story.

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Transcript

Protecting Yourself Or Hiding

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I think it's important to ask yourself the question like, am I just kind of a little self-check-in? Am I protecting myself or hiding myself right now, right? When it comes to those types of deals. And uh, if you need protection, pay attention to that. Just allowing myself to be in that moment for somebody that needs help.

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

It's not about it's not about all the problems, it's about helping

Coaching For Spicy Confidence

SPEAKER_00 0:24

somebody in need. Hey all you midlife women out there, are you ready to step into spicy confidence? If the answer is yes, then we have some exciting news to share.

SPEAKER_01 0:32

We are launching a one-on-one coaching program for midlife women who want to start showing up as the most confident version of themselves and who aren't afraid to go after what they really want.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

This coaching program will help you discover your voice, embrace your desires, and develop your inner confidence so that you can truly live the authentic life you want without holding back.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

There are only three spots available, ladies, so head to the link in the show notes and apply now. Now let's get into the

Defining Soft And Strong

SPEAKER_01 1:02

episode.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

We are diving right in to this episode, right, Joel? Yes. And it's all about being soft and strong in midlife, right? That's a pretty super powerful combo, if you think about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:16

Soft and strong all at the same time would mean that you need to have your feminine wiles out, but at the same time your feminine wiles, and you have your but you have your hard ass boundaries and you've established kind of where you're at in life.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Warrior queen and emotional marshmallow in a nutshell, right? I mean, I'm both. Well, we have to be. I know. There's and and that's what we're gonna talk about in this episode. I know a lot of times we're talking about, you know, all the badassness of confident, spicy midlife women, and there is a lot that goes along with that. But sometimes they just want to have a good cry. Well, yeah, there's there's that because women, we are emotional beings.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

Yeah. We are. I mean, we're all emotional beings. Men are two emotional beings, but I think when we're talking about the the softness and strength, there is it they can be synonymous. You can have both. And a lot of it has to be same damn time. Yeah, yeah. That's synonymous, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Just being clear, Julie uses fancy words all the time, and I just simplify it, yeah, just to clarify.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

It's being the same.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Simplify and clarify. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Well, yeah, and and I I do struggle with that sometimes. Like we were just talking earlier about how your softness about like a subject that we were talking about family-wise, is there, but then I'm like, does it mean that you're do you feel like you're being enabling when you're being soft, or are you feeling like you have to put up stronger bad?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

I mean that has to do with, and and we'll kind of break this down as we talk about some of this. But I think to redefine softness, it's not about being passive or weak. I think it's really more about um being receptive and letting yourself be supported. Think about what that means.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Yeah, right. That's hard. It's hard to ask for help.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Yes, yeah. Letting yourself be uh be supported. Um, it's about emotional intelligence. And I think also, you know, about getting rid of some of that armor that we build up around us as we're moving through our 20s and 30s and into midlife as we start powering through 40s and beyond.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

Being vulnerable, really, to some degree. And now we're not talking emotional uh well, we are talking a little bit about emotional, you know, vulnerability, I suppose, but I'm not talking like relationship stuff. It's just more like being vulnerable with how you're feeling about certain things or what's bothering you.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Well, yeah, what you allow, I think too, what what you're allowing

Softness In A Real Life Moment

SPEAKER_00 3:56

into your life. So if I had to think of an example about softness, this is something that comes to mind is um, so my ex-husband had a lot of health challenges, like a lot. And I remember running to into him at the grocery store one day, and he he had to use one of those uh those cart things that you sit in and drive around. He had heart issues, right? And I I saw his car outside, I knew he was in the store, I saw his car as I was leaving. I went back in because I knew he was in there and I found him on one of the aisles, and I decided to help him with the rest of his grocery shopping. That's a softness that I allowed myself to be in that moment because you know, based on there's a lot of circumstances uh wrapped up into what our relationship was and how it ended, how it ended up being we divorced after 26 years, right? So and and does that mean that I was being, you know, passive and a pussy in that moment? And just like, no, I think it's that's what being strong and soft is I think that's a to me is an example of wrapping it up all into one, right?

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Well, and then what if he had taken that as an opportunity to kind of get in to have you do more things for him? So that's where you're that's where the strength comes in.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah, that's that's where the strength comes in. And and two, just allowing myself to uh, you know, be in that moment for somebody that needs help. Yeah. It's not about the past, it's not about all the problems. It's it's about helping somebody in need. Um, you know, we have of course a history, and yeah, I I went and I was his legs. I went and found things, brought him back to the cart, helped him through the line, carried him to the car, and followed him home and carried him in for him.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Um, and that's not to pat me on the back, but it's just an example of you know, it's okay to allow yourself to be in those moments if it's appropriate.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Um, and it you know, sometimes so in in that regard, when with the what you're talking about, there is another word we want to throw in here, and that is forgiveness. You've always forgiven him. You don't forget, yeah, but you've forgiven a lot of things, you know, like we were talking before we got started about divorce and about just some of the issues that have come up over time, you know, and how sometimes they're not resolved. And but at the same time, it's like when ca cat catastrophic things happen, yeah. When there is a need for you to have that soft side, it's there. You kind of forgo a lot of those other things that you were holding resentments about or judgments about because you're dealing with like core human issues that you might have yourself someday. And you'd hope someone would be kind about it too.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Well, and honestly, that was a time of softness that surprised me.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

It it did surprise me. You know, it's not like I was planning or that I would do that on you, you know what I mean, in any given time. It was just like in the moment kind of a thing. But it it that softness that did surprise me. And and there will be moments for you, um, you know, in in paying attention. And then and again, just to repeat, it doesn't mean you're being passive or walked on or you know, any any of that stuff. That's that's a true but it could, it could mean that.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

If you allow it to be right, if you're not identifying the issues around what's happening there and you're allowing that person to um take it to another level.

When Kindness Gets Taken

SPEAKER_02 7:31

I mean, I can think of a situation where I did that, like when we had there was a woman who needed a place to stay, and we I happened to have a cottage, my Airbnb here, and I don't even remember how I came across her to begin with, but clearly a woman in need, clearly someone who she didn't have anywhere to go. I think I'd met her because she'd stayed here before, so she had my number and everything, but um I allowed that to happen. I allowed her to stay, and I wasn't expecting anything from her in return, but what I found was that she kind of took advantage or yeah, started to try to take advantage of my, you know, good nature about it. And so it wasn't like I had judgment about it or anything. It was just kind of more like, what the fuck? I mean, I just felt like, you know, I uh she would talk people say a lot, they'll reciprocate, oh I'm so happy. Uh thank you, thank you, thank you. But really, it's like actions and words are two very different things, you know. Yeah. And so when you're being soft about something, you're not doing it with the intention of someone taking advantage of you, but you know that that might be something that could happen.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

Yeah, you're just being yourself and you don't want to live your life like based on how other people which is exactly what I think I said to you guys.

SPEAKER_02 8:45

Yeah, you know, it's kind of like, you know, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

If I was in a situation or my daughter was in a situation because she says that, Julia saying that because I I kind of have to, because she has like uh the biggest heart. So and and I try to I I kind of get protective of it every once in a while and and try with all the little voice of reason that chirps in her ear, you know, and and tries to, you know, kind of like yeah, like like keep it firm every once in a while. But you know, that's that's where we we do have to pay attention to those things as women. We are, you know, can be emotional. Our hearts are, you know, soft in that way in lots of different circumstances.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

So but it doesn't mean that we're not strong beings because there's some things that you feel so convicted about, you feel so strongly about that you have those very clear boundaries, you have a very clear voice.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

I mean, that's what the strength means. Yeah. That's what you know, just like the softness doesn't mean, you know, passive um or weak. Now we can talk about the strength. And those are you think you can do them both at the same time? Absolutely. Yeah, I do too. Because just like with these examples, you you had to then be strong with this woman. You had to set boundaries to make sure that she wasn't continuing to abuse or take advantage of the um you know kindness and and softness that you did show initially. Right. And same thing, you know, with my with my ex-husband. He he didn't try, but you know, had he, you know, there's all those boundaries that do have to be set. And I did have boundaries in place.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

I had to I mean that was a conscious choice that you made without anybody asking you. So it's a very different circumstance. I can think of times when, you know, men and women both, but it's like think about when there is some catastrophic thing that happens in a family, say there's a death in the family or something that's very sudden. It's like you are in a position where you're comforting people and you're trying to give them the shoulder to lean on, you're trying to provide whatever support you need, but at the same time, you might have to be the strong person that's organizing all of the things that are surrounding that person leaving this earth, you know. And so you're having to wear both hats. Uh and you know, that and you're kind of putting your own feelings aside for a minute, how you're feeling about something.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

I think honestly, that on a side note is another way to maybe avoid feeling, you know, how you might be feeling about something that's happening too, uh, speaking from experience, you know. Uh, but uh you you have to be able to know that you can do both at the same time.

Boundaries Saying No And Energy

SPEAKER_00 11:21

And and that is like we already mentioned, having boundaries, right? Um, self-trust, trusting in yourself with those types of situations. And when you do have to set those boundaries. And one thing that we like to talk about is saying no.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Being able to say no, it is okay to say no. And doing it without hesitation.

SPEAKER_02 11:42

And you know, how you do that eloquently is, you know, it's like, you know, I don't think that's gonna work for me, but thanks for the invite, you know, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

And walking away from things that drain the hell out of you, drain your energy.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yeah. There's a lot of that out there where you can put the smile on your face, but at the same time, you're just like, I can't wait to get the hell out of here and not be in this space with this person.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

Know when it's know when it's go time. Yeah. Like literally go. Like literally. This concept, I think, of you know, being soft and strong is an interesting one. And uh, some of the things that we've been talking about really kind of portray how the strength that we do have protects the softness, yeah, right. Um for example, you know, being soft with your kids.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

But you have to have those strong boundaries in place, right? Um or being soft with your partner or your spouse if you're married, but strong about what you need what you need.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

I I think it's yeah, and you can still be tender with that person, but know that they need to know kind of where you need them in your life, you know, and what you need from them.

Soft Parenting And Tough Love

SPEAKER_02 12:54

Yeah. Let's talk about kids for a second, because we were talking about that before too. Don't you think it's just so hard sometimes to just like you want yours? I'm I've always soft with my kids. Like we were talking about Me too. Yeah, like we were talking about today, you know, I my daughter having a shitty day. She's just having a shitty day, and I could tell she's having a bad day. There's just a lot coming at her. And so I just did, I was like, you know, I'm just gonna do some nice things for her to help her feel like she can just take a deep breath. Just, you know, I had her, I let her take a nap. I had her take a nap. I made her some things for dinner to take home, just things like that. Now, these are I'm not saying that to toot my horn. I'm just saying I'm very soft with her, I'm soft with my other kids, and I would, you know, we will all do anything pretty much for our own children. But when there's but when there's something that they need, you know, some tough love on, we are the person that's gotta provide that. Yeah. And if we don't, we're kind of sending mixed signals.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

You know, as you're telling that story, I think about how I'm the same way. And I think I do that because I kind of didn't get that when I needed it. I think that's why I do those things is to try to make up for it. Yeah, in a way.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

Mm-hmm. And that that might be happening with a lot of our listeners too. You know, they might not have gotten a lot of that uh to softness from their parents at home. And so maybe they're overdoing it with their own children because they're, you know, making up for the things that they didn't feel.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Yeah. Or even earlier in you know, for me too, it's it's more so what they didn't get early on because you know, life was so crazy.

SPEAKER_03 14:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

And such a scramble. And the dynamics with the marriage and the home, you know, so many things. And so now that we're beyond that, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, here we go, the stronger with the softness. Yeah. Right. And trying to provide some of that softness that they probably needed when they were younger.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Well, and they didn't really know what they don't know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

So, anyways.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

And you're evolving, you know, we're evolving too as women, um, always. It's like you don't ever stop evolving and learning and figuring out what works for you and figuring that, you know, for example, that a boundary isn't strong enough, and you need to reassert that or look at it differently, and that's okay too.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

You know, because you may be in situations where you know that people are maybe taking advantage or are coming to you because they know you're a yes person, or you're people pleasing, you know, that sort of thing. And so um, you really have to evaluate if you're how you're feeling about a lot of those things. And do you feel stronger when you say no? And do you feel more comfortable when you say no, or do you avoid it because you don't want to make someone feel bad?

The 10 Second Rule And Wrap

SPEAKER_00 15:32

I think it's important to to ask yourself the question like, am I just kind of a little self-check-in? Am I protecting myself or hiding myself right now? Right when it comes to those types of situations. Yeah. And uh, if you need protection, pay attention to that. Yeah. You know, if you feel like you're hiding, pay attention to that. Have you heard of the 10 second rule? What's that?

SPEAKER_02 15:54

So and I've heard this before too, where our immediate response sometimes is the very emotional response to something that we're either triggered by or that we have a very strong opinion about or something. And giving yourself 10, yeah, the pregnant pause, the 10 seconds to just take a deep breath and kind of think through what you're going to say or how you're going to respond or not respond to something is huge in your message.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Yeah, I find I do that um with my adult children at times. Yeah. Um, at work at times. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of different situations. And I think it's a very good tool uh to use in in those situations. It it will help. But but definitely being soft and strong, super com super combo power in midlife.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

It's a superpower.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

For sure. Yeah. Yeah. What's your superpower? That is my superpower. Being soft and strong at the same time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

I mean, I and and I'm always kind of been like, I'm fearless, I'm this, I'm that. But you know what? I have a very soft, tender side, you know, that um, you know, not everybody sees.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

It's very powerful. Yeah. Very powerful to be able to navigate both and um to to use them. I don't mean this in a bad way, but to, you know, use them advantageously in your life.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

And in your yeah, the circumstances you're in. So these are some of the things that we will talk about. This is a little bit more of a high-level topic, but when we have our coaching program, our stepping into spicy competence coaching program, we're tailoring a lot of our our coaching around the things that you're struggling with in your life. And we have a couple openings available. We're only dealing with like three people at a time because it's Michelle and I, and we are really digging in intimately to what's going on with you so we can offer that value and an answer, you know, or help you kind of evolve into your own answers on whatever it is that you're struggling with about your midlife journey.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

So uh check us out in those. Yep, out on all the socials: Instagram, Facebook, uh, TikTok, as well as YouTube. We are over there. Find us there, please subscribe. Um, link is in all the bios on the socials. So that's where you can get more information on that one-on-one coaching program as well as spicy merchandise that we have to offer. Yeah. T-shirts, hats, bags, notebooks, all kinds of fun stuff.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

And if you're thinking about it, we would love to hear from you on moments when you have had to exhibit both strength and softness at the same time because it is something that you might be doing and you don't even realize it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Do a little uh investigation within and let us know.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Yeah. Okay. So until next week, you guys. Stay spicy. Stay spicy. And we'll talk with you soon. Bye. Bye.