62. Dating After Divorce: Are You Healed or Just Lonely?

Are you doing relationship healing for the right reasons? Learn how to distinguish between genuine readiness and simple loneliness.In this episode, Julee Kraus and Michele Grayson discuss the reality of moving on after a relationship ends. They explore why recovering from heartbreak is rarely a linear path and often involves revisiting earlier emotional stages. 

This conversation is for anyone questioning if they are truly ready to date again or if they are just trying to fill a void.We break down the ongoing nature of emotional healing and how to recognize when you are ready to date with intention. By understanding these patterns, you can avoid common pitfalls that lead to unhealthy dating cycles. Learn to differentiate between a desire for connection and the need for internal growth.

What You'll Learn:

✅ How to tell the difference between loneliness and genuine readiness to date.

✅ The importance of personal boundaries in midlife dating.

✅ How to embrace your confidence after divorce.

✅ Why self-reflection is the best tool for your next relationship.

0:00 - Are you dating for the right reasons?

1:30 - The truth about loneliness vs. readiness.

3:45 - Sign #1: You’ve stopped looking for a "savior."

5:20 - Sign #2: You are comfortable with your own company.

7:10 - Sign #3: You've set firm emotional boundaries.9:00 - Sign #4: You’ve processed past trauma.

11:15 - Sign #5: You are genuinely excited about the future.

13:30 - Final advice for women in midlife.

Subscribe for weekly relationship advice breakdowns, and let us know in the comments: what is the hardest part of moving on for you?#datingafterdivorce

 #lifeafterdivorce #midlifedating #divorcedwomen #healingafterdivorce #readytodate #relationshipadvice #spicymidlifewomen

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Transcript

The Big Post-Divorce Dating Question

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Are you ready to date after divorce? If you don't like being alone, maybe you haven't been sitting comfortably with silence on your own.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

If your guest, you know, is giving you one five, but he's a good looking guy and you just kind of like but but no. Yes. Walk away. Are you genuinely enjoying your life and are ready to have somebody to add to it?

SPEAKER_00 0:23

Shortly after getting out of a relationship, it's also something that a man might look at as a red flag. So you know, depending upon what your conversations and things look like.

Coaching Offer For Spicy Confidence

SPEAKER_01 0:32

Hey, all you midlife women out there, are you ready to step into spicy confidence? If the answer is yes, then we have some exciting news to share.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

We are launching a one-on-one coaching program for midlife women who want to start showing up as the most confident version of themselves and who aren't afraid to go after what they really want.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

This coaching program will help you discover your voice, embrace your desires, and develop your inner confidence so that you can truly live the authentic life you want without holding back.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

There are only three spots available, ladies, so head to the link in the show notes and apply now. Now let's get into the episode. Hey,

Why Healing Is Not A Finish Line

SPEAKER_00 1:10

all you spicy midlife women out there. Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington. Hey, how are you guys? Hey, we are here to talk today about conversations you might already be having with your girlfriends, but um we're gonna have them with you as well because we're your other girlfriends. And these are we're gonna throw some spice into it. Yeah, just because that's what we do. Yeah. But these are the five signs that you are ready to date after divorce. And this follows our episode regarding divorce. So we thought this would be a really good one to kind of throw out there and you know, let you guys give yourselves a mental note on whether you're ready or not.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

I think because we definitely ask ourselves that question a lot once divorce is done. There's still lingering dynamics when you're going through a divorce. Once the divorce is done, it's not like it's papers are signed, we're done, we can move on, right? And so a happens. I mean, yeah, it happens. And I know mentally it probably in our minds it happens. Um, but then there's all the things that start coming into play after that. Yes, right. Dating being one of them, I'm sure, maybe sooner than it is for others. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

But eventually it does. That is very true. And you know, we're not really talking, you guys, about being completely 100% healed because that is a process and everybody goes through things a little bit differently depending upon what your trauma is, I guess, or what your experience was. But this is really about you kind of determining where you're at in that process and if you're in a position where you can actually entertain new people or uh be able to have conversations without involving your past, you know, those sorts of things. And so just more of a mental note.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Well, because I don't think we wake up one day and all of a sudden are like, you know, congratulations, you're a hundred percent healed. Way to go. Let's go find somebody to date. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

No, it definitely does not work that way. Yeah, there's no question about it.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Because healing is it's an ongoing process, obviously. Um, we all continue to grow through that process. And it looks a little different for everybody, but I think what we're more talking about are the signs that you shifted. There's been that shift from surviving your divorce to truly living again. And I think there's a big difference there. Um, signs that you're dating, for example, because you're excited about your future, not because you're trying to escape your past or your bored.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Yeah. You know, or that sort of thing. Um just to kind of go back to those first comments, we really want you to walk away with the thought process that you will have. We want you to walk away with some thoughts on where you're at in this journey and give yourself, you know, kind of, I wouldn't say a score, but give yourself uh an opportunity to really see truly where you're at because we all think we're healed or we think we're okay. And, you know, we really aren't. I can speak for myself, you know, thinking that I was, and oh my gosh, I had no idea what healing I needed to do. And it wasn't like I was in some traumatic, traumatic relationship. It wasn't like that type of healing. It was just more, you know, kind of figuring out who I was, you know, which as we've talked about on other episodes, we get lost a little bit, you know, when we're not really paying attention to who we are, what we're doing, or what our role is in um a relationship that we've invested in.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

So whether you're divorced, separated, newly single, or have a girlfriend who might be navigating this chapter, our conversation today is for you. We hope that you'll hear something that resonates on every point and will give you the ability to um reflect and have honest conversations with that girlfriend if it's her or yourself if it's you. Or with us, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:03

In the car while you're driving. Yeah. Okay, guys, grab your glass of wine or your coffee or you know, your orange drink that I have and uh smoothie. The smoothie, yeah. And let's sit down and chat about this stuff. Um and don't worry, Michelle with her disclaimers will always put some spice in there, some little sprinkles of something, right? Because we have some juicy stories. You know it. You know it. So let's get spicy.

Sign One Stop Filling The Void

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Let's talk about um the first thing that we uh wanted to call out in regard to the questions on, you know, are you ready to date after divorce?

SPEAKER_01 5:37

You're no longer dating to fill the void. Um, I I think there's a difference there. This would be the first thing that I would think you would want to reflect on, right? Um, you know, asking yourself, you know, or recognizing that you hate being alone.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Um so when you say hate being alone, I'm wondering, it's like when you are so around chaos or not even chaos, just busyness in your household and your life with a, you know, another person around or whatever, it's like, you know, you kind of wonder is like if you don't like being alone, maybe you haven't been sitting comfortably with silence on your own.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Well, and and exactly. And that's where you have to um, you know, there's that, or do you and are you genuinely enjoying your life and are ready to have somebody to add to it? Yeah. Right. So I think those are the things that you'll know if you're if you're um, you know, trying to fill a void, right? You're not then genuinely happy with where you're at in life and looking for somebody to add to it. So that that I think is a sign for deeper reflection on what's going on there, you know, loneliness versus fulfillment, for example. Okay. Um, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

And some people are relationship people, so they think that's you know, where they're supposed to be, but they haven't really gone through and figured out what has driven them to the place they're in right now.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Well, and some of the some of the differences between that and you know, needing validation or wanting companionship. Yeah. There's a difference between those things.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

But companionship when you're dating, it's a different, it's a different ball game altogether. You know, just depending upon, I mean, I have uh I have fun companionship kind of stuff when I go out and and when I've dated and stuff, but it's very different than like relationship kind of stuff. You're not getting into things deeply, you're just having fun, you know. Um, and a lot of the deep conversations that you have, you might have with your girlfriends anyway. You're not gonna necessarily have with those people. Um I I think the whole hating to be alone thing is really something that's important to call out because I I I think that when when people have gone through these uh situations, they're already kind of in a place where they're on their own, right? Because they don't really have the same companion kind of situation going on that you think about when you think about like a solid marriage, right? Or a solid relationship. Very different. So they are very much on their own already. So getting out of that relationship, then they start thinking to themselves, probably logically, well, I've already been by myself for a while, so I'm good. You know, I'm I'm able to get out there and I want to have fun, I want to enjoy other people's company, that sort of thing. But they're not really thinking about all the little wounds and things along the way.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Well, so here's a question that that can be asked. If nobody asked you out on a date for six months, I mean, would life still feel good? Yeah, well, it depends what you got going on. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think that's a very important question in regard to this first thing we're talking about, not dating to fill a void. Asking yourself that question.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

How much time do you and I know it's different for everybody, but it's like, how much time do you think would be appropriate for, you know, someone after they're out of a divorce? Or I mean, I laugh when I asked this. Yeah, because you know, even like if someone's widowed, for example, or there's a widower, people give them, you know, there's an appropriate amount of time before they can get out and date somebody. When they maybe had a really great relationship and they just are lonesome, they're ready for something else, they're relationship people. Yeah. Um, I don't I agree with you. I don't think there's a a timeline per se. Um there's so much judgment out there, right? I know. I mean, there really is. I know. Uh sadly. Well, and I mean, I'm not even gonna lie. When I see that, you know, I see men or women, but they're out like mixing it up already right after they get out of something, that is it to me, that's a huge red flag, you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

Really?

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, with me, I'm talking about like when I've dated with men that have just literally gotten out of relationship. I remember I went out with this one guy, so cute, so sweet, really great guy. And we were having like in-depth conversations, a little more in-depth, you know, conversation. Maybe it was a second date or something. And um, I was like, So how long have you been single? And three weeks. Well, you know, and I'm like, oh, okay. Three weeks. That's not very long. It's like, you know, I wasn't even quite sure what to say about that.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Yeah. I I mean, I think for some that is probably somewhat I'm not gonna use the word therapeutic. That's the word that came to mind, but sometimes, you know, maybe afs after a long, difficult, tumultuous, depending on the circumstances. Like we said, it's different for everybody. You know, he might be just like, fuck yeah, here, I'm gonna go live it up. The last six months or year, however long it took, has been living hell. I'm just gonna let go and have a good time. Yep. And that that's what I mean. It's like, you know, when you see somebody doing that, who knows what the circumstances are.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

And yeah, it can be easy to go, geez, you know, that's probably not a good idea, but you know, well, but as a woman, you know, it's like you're protecting your pe you're protecting your heart and you're protecting your peace. And when you have gotten out of a relationship that has uh bruised those things, bruised your heart, or you know, maybe you're the one that left the relationship. It doesn't mean that you're not hurting. Of course, you know. Um and i I guess it does sound uh a tiny bit judgy, and I'm okay with that actually on this front. Just because I feel like if you're not gonna protect your heart, who else is going to? Yeah, you know, yeah. But on the flip side of that, you as a woman going out and dating um shortly after getting out of a relationship is also something that a man might look at as a red flag. So sure, you know, depending upon what your conversations and things look like. Right. Which kind of segues me into the next one.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Yeah.

Sign Two Your Ex Loses Power

SPEAKER_00 11:27

If you were out on a date with a a man, for example, um, and all he did was talk about his F wi ex-wife or bash his ex-wife or say, you know, stuff about his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend, how would you feel about that? That's that to me is kind of a red flag. You think?

unknown 11:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

That's like a that's like a sea of red flags.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

That's a big, big red flag. Yeah, that's pretty not cool.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Oh, you know, no, yeah, and wouldn't be fun to listen to. No. But it also is a good indicator that that person has not healed.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Healed, yeah. Yeah. So hence the the second one we're talking about is you when your ex does your ex control your emotions still. Or, you know, you kind of I guess what we're talking about is being healed and ready to date. So that would be when your ex does not control your emotions anymore. That's that's would be an indicator of healing.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

So little little signs that you're not past that yet would be that you're having constant conversations about this person or about what they did to you or how they wronged you or whatever. You know. So if if you're still doing that, you know, and and you're with your girlfriends because you know, girlfriends, we will listen to anything, that's our job. Um, then that would be an indicator that you're probably not ready to focus on something else.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Right. You know, that in my opinion, that would be and it doesn't mean that, you know, you love them, you forgive everything, and that your friends, if you are able, you know, if you uh, but that that uh, you know, when you find yourself to be emotionally neutral on those past things, it's truly freedom.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

When that can happen. And even I I mean, that didn't happen for me. I mean, I was five years after my divorce when I was starting to kind of seriously date. And uh that was still a huge that that was a that was a problem for me. Uh dating or waiting. Not not the dating, but um, you know, letting letting my ex uh get to my emotions by calling me when maybe I was out or texting me. There there was some really big dynamics surrounding my situation. But you weren't pining after him.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

I was not pining after him.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

No, but I He was pining after you. I did some things that were able that that enabled me to break free from that and letting I mean, block the block on your phone using that feature can sometimes be difficult, especially if there's children. Right. Um, but you know, when you're able to block and and not give your time and energy to that constant um intrusion that can come from your phone, uh it is very freeing and it makes you realize how able you are to continue and not letting that control your emotions.

SPEAKER_02 14:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

And that in itself helped me along that path and was truly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

So so in that time frame, and I and I feel this way too, but in that time frame, if your ex had told you I've met somebody and I'm getting married, how would you have felt about it? I would have been totally fine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:38

I I I would have had some concerns for her.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

Uh but yeah, I would have been totally fine with that. I would have too. I would have definitely I'd be fine still to this day. But I think the things that I was worried about or healing over are still just like I was just beyond myself about just how you can go from having someone who says they love you, this is where I had a hard time, to saying such horrible things about you. It's interesting, isn't it? Yeah. And it's like, and I can't say I didn't let it get to me. Of course I did.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

Yeah, and definitely and yeah, we're not we're not saying that that none of that's gonna be going on when you're moving on uh because there is a certain level of that typically that can happen. I'm not saying across the board 100% all the time. Um, but it is very interesting. And so, yes, there would be that um heightened emotion in regard to those things because it's just kind of unbelievable and very different that it's even possible sometimes. Someone else sees something differently or the your your ex who yes has gone from it's just the transition that goes along with divorce and and the conversations and the statements and the words that can be said and put out there that it are just to your point really sometimes kind of unbelievable.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Yeah. I know it's just you just human nature is so amazing, but that's it. And I'm sure our audiences experience that too because you don't see that many amicable divorces out there. Yeah, or amicable breaks.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

There's some definitely some hair out there and kudos to them for being able to do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

Especially with kids involved.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Especially with kids, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Now, as you get kind of further out of the divorce time frame and into, you know, other things in your life, start the healing process, you know, and feel like you're meeting other people, you're doing things maybe you didn't do before, um, going out, that kind of thing, um, those things become easier. Yeah, I've found. Or they just kind of get buried a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

And just know when we say divorce, I mean that that's for a married couple. This can be for a partnership that's been long term, same thing, a split, a divorce, whatever it might be, same, same concept. Someone you've invested your life in. Yeah, you know, at that point. What

Sign Three Compatibility Over Rescue

SPEAKER_01 16:45

about um this this third one is when uh I like the difference in these words when you're looking for compatibility and not rescue. I think that's huge.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

My gosh, yes. When you say rescue, when you say rescue, are you seeing like to to rescue your attention?

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Save them financially, make them feel worthy, fix their loneliness, erase the pain, prove that they're lovable. I think all of those things are along the lines of rescue.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

I think. And that's where you can become super vulnerable to someone who is more narcissistic.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

And love bombing. Yes, and you know, breadcrumbing. And it's like if you've dated, you've heard all these two terms probably before. But if you're looking for a savior or you're without even maybe realizing that that's what you're doing, right, you know, maybe it's a very subconscious thing, but you're gonna end up being very vulnerable to people that have those tendencies, you know, and perhaps being too agreeable, you know, um, to make things work or to not create arguments. Or I mean, I've been around people where I've been like, oh gosh, you can just feel the energy shift to something that doesn't make sense or doesn't feel right. And at first when I was dating, I didn't pick up on any of that. I didn't pick up on any of it. I did I just took things at face value. And and and I'm I can tend to be an overthinker, right? So I try to not do that. But um now I see things differently because I've had the ex a little more experience with it, you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

And those are things that you do grow in knowledge as you move through the path of dating, especially after being in a long-term relationship, whether it be marriage or otherwise. Um, and I think that a healed, a sign of a woman that is more on the path of healing would be is this person emotionally available as opposed to does he like me?

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Right? Yeah. That's very different. Well, and does he like me sounds very high school, very great, great. But is it true? Does he like me? Does he like me? It's like, but that is a that's a sign of you know, you're also maybe insecure in this whole dating world, you know? Insecurity. And a lot of that comes from people just not communicating right, I would say. But you again putting your your uh self as a priority. Yeah. Uh emotionally unavailable people, which by the way, I seem to be drawn to, um, are out there more than you think. Yeah. And so everything on the surface feels really good, but then something just isn't doesn't feel right. And you have to really trust your spidey senses, I think. Yeah. Um, so staying away from emotionally unavailable people. And if you are emotionally unavailable, then you're gonna be that person for them to stay away from. So you gotta figure that stuff out first. Where do you think emotional unavailability comes from? I mean unhealed trauma. Yeah. But it but it doesn't have to necessarily be around the opposite sex. That's what I mean. Unhealed trauma.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

That's just a like a general statement. Yeah. That could be a lot of things having nothing to do with romantic or marriage or dating relationships.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

It's very I I enlicken it to being very surface level uh interaction with people because you don't let them get everything is yeah, everything is like tucked way away and deep down, and you know, we're just putting on that. But do you think when you first start dating after being divorced that you're not necessarily gonna be vulnerable in that same way anyway?

SPEAKER_01 20:07

I think you're still guarded. Yeah. Definitely still guarded.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

So it's finding the balance.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

And there's yeah, finding a balance and experiencing diff different things to recognize where you're at, you know, these things that we're talking about. Right.

Sign Four Own Patterns And Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 20:20

And uh another one is if you have taken responsibility for your part of uh, you know, patterns, the things that you've gone through as you have um, you know, gone through the split, are trying to heal and taking responsibility for patterns maybe that you that were, you know, your part. That's that's hard to do.

SPEAKER_00 20:45

Well, it takes when you're in a relationship, there's two of you. I mean, you're either uh creating issues or you know, absorbing issues if there's a problem. And if uh, you know, you have somebody who you're in a relationship with that is emotionally unavailable or is not kind, you know, when they're talking to you or you know, whatever you're doing, um you take the responsibility of staying.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

So we all have a part to your point. Yeah. Um, and you have to look at what your part is. Like with mine, I I look at my part of being just like completely shut down and not being able, I just couldn't talk about things.

SPEAKER_02 21:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

And it wasn't for not wanting to. Right. I just didn't necessarily feel like I was gonna be heard, so I made that assumption and just stopped talking.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

You know, and I think that's what we do a lot just that way to a certain degree.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Like same. That's a protective mode as well.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

Yes, it is, you know. And so, you know, patterns, like I was saying, there's boundaries that you have to take responsibility for.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

And whether you didn't have them and needing to have them as as part of being healed, um, the people pleasing that we tend to do, like you kind of I mean, we're alluding to a little bit that can go along the lines of people pleasing when we You know, tuck everything away and we just put on a front. Um, not paying attention to red flags, all of those things, you know, that we've been talking about. And feeling kind of unlovable. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

You know, I think the spicy truth to all of this is staying way too long.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Oh, light bulb moment. Light bulb. That's an understatement. Yeah. Um, the reality is that, you know, the healed you is gonna just tolerate less. Right. Or is going to, you know, put up boundaries. That's a very like woo-woo kind of.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

I know it is a woo, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

Yeah, there's a few things we we you hear people say, triggers, you know, boundaries, things like that that probably come straight out of a therapy session. Right. But you don't need to be a therapist to know that you know you need to have boundaries around the ability to own your side.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Right. Without carrying all the blame.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Yeah. Because, you know, but it's also not and it's not pushing everything over to the other person.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

You know, which is really super easy to do. That's what I mean. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

And and taking responsibility for that, not carrying all the blame, but then not finger pointing all of it to the other person. Yeah. But yeah, it's as far as healing and what we're talking about, you know, owning, owning that, taking responsibility for your part.

SPEAKER_00 23:16

So, audience, it's like ask yourself that mental question. Are you owning it? And maybe you were with a horrible, horrible person, you know, who has absolutely no business being in your life. Um, and you let them in your life anyway. Yeah. What's your role? You know, what do you own of that?

Rapid Fire Red Flags And Gut Checks

SPEAKER_00 23:34

So um, I want to throw some rapid fire questions at you. This is my fun thing. I love doing this. I hate this because I'm not good at it. Yeah, you are. You're better at it than you think. Okay. Would you go on three dates because he's nice, even though there's no chemistry? Probably. Really?

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Because you just wanted to go.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

I mean, it did so so yeah, there's segues to this. It would depend on it y you know, where I'm at in dating. Yeah. Am I looking like you're ready to date again? Well, am I looking for a relationship though? Yeah. If I'm not looking for a relationship, I have no problem with going out on three dates with a nice guy. Yeah. If you're just going out if you're going out for escapades, well, that that's that's a hard question because yeah, no, then the answer would be no. Okay. Like if they're nice and wanting to sleep with me or other things, then no, I wouldn't do that. I would be done at one.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

You'd be done at one, okay. Because there's no chemistry. Yes. Okay. Chemistry can be kind of overrated, people tell me, but whatever. Um, would you date someone because you're bored? Um, probably not. Yeah. No. Yeah, I wouldn't either. I'd rather I'd rather be home. Yeah, I know, right? So true. I'd rather be home with Michelle going through my closet and figuring out what to throw away.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Here's a good one for you. Okay. Would you keep texting someone who only texts after 10 p.m.? No. Hell to the no. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

No.

SPEAKER_01 24:49

See, I knew that would be Julie's answer. That was an easy rapid fire question for you.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

It's like, gee, I wonder if he's married or if he has. I mean, that's just so obvious to me.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

What about ignoring your gut? I've done that before. Well, I mean, because he's attractive. Like, do you ignore what your gut's telling you? Because this is he's like not really guy.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

I gotta be honest with you. It's like, even if he's smoking, first of all, if he's smoking hot, I probably wouldn't trust him anyway. Okay. I'm just kidding. No, um, I'm not completely kidding. If uh if he is no, that almost makes him more unattractive to me. I feel like even if he's good looking on the outside, it's like he's kind of icky on the inside if he's if he's being if he's being a hoe.

SPEAKER_01 25:27

Like I mean, bottom line, audience, ladies, whoever's listening, your gut will never steal you wrong. Unerry statement all the time. Yeah. We do, we hear this all the time, but it is so true. So if your gut, you know, is giving you one vibe, but he's a good looking guy, and you just kind of like, but, but, but just no, yeah, just walk away. Walk away. Yeah. So, anyways, would you stay if you've already invested three months in in something or somebody? Three months, like, yeah, I knew that. I knew that about you too.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

No, and that's my problem, is that I don't give it long enough half the time. Like, uh no, yeah, you know, yeah, I just and it's not like there's anything wrong. It means like I've I've been out with people that are super nice. I just don't feel the chemistry or the connection in the same way. Don't waste your time. I can't see jumping their bones at some point.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

If I can't see that, then I'm kind of like Yeah, if that's not happening after well, I mean, if you're not feeling it. Not like I'm gonna jump their bones after three months. I'm just saying if you're not feeling that or the chemistry's not there after three months, or whatever the reasons are, it's like, yeah, if if things aren't on somewhat of a trajectory of progression, then you should probably just they're then they're just a friend.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

Back or down friend zone. And I have lots of friends that are, you know, former people updated.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

So I guess uh this episode, you know, we've kind of thrown a lot out there. Um, but healing, ladies, it doesn't mean we're perfect. It doesn't mean you're fearless, it doesn't mean that you never get triggered. Um it just means you no longer are abandoning yourself for somebody else. And I think that's pretty powerful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

So let's recap, let's recap these five, okay?

The Five Questions Recap And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 27:08

So we can have like a mental note that people can take, you know, at the end of this episode. So um, am I dating because I'm excited about someone or because I'm uncomfortable being alone? That's a good question. Ask yourself. Do you want to do the next one?

SPEAKER_01 27:22

Yeah, does does thinking about your ex still take a lot of emotional energy?

SPEAKER_00 27:28

That would be question number two. Okay. Am I looking to have somebody fix stuff in my life for me? Is having a person in my life gonna fix my life?

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Yeah. What patterns from my marriage have I worked to change? So what are you changing about those past patterns? Like we're talking about taking responsibility. Huge. Right? What responsibility are you taking for those patterns and and change?

SPEAKER_00 27:50

And then um, what boundaries will I never compromise again? That's that's a really big one. Yeah. And it may take you a little while to figure that out because you have to figure out what your standards are to know what your boundaries are. And going back to Michelle's comment about your gut, gut check yourself. Oh my gosh. I've been told that Mary, my friend Mary, has talked to me about that too because she is so it's more of an empath thing. I'd be kind of oblivious to things sometimes. And she'd say something and I'd be like, Oh, I never really thought of that, you know. So, you know, being more self-aware apparently makes a big difference. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Just keep in mind that healing is it's not a race, right? We don't have to race to accomplish all these things, it's a process. And we're not looking for perfection. I certainly am not. I'm not looking for perfection. My process took five years, and honestly, it's an ongoing in some way, shape, or form, it's a process every single day. So um, it's just you know, hopefully these things we talked about give you a foundation, some kind of a foundation for more, you know, fulfilling, healthy relationships going forward.

SPEAKER_00 28:57

So yeah. So if you can answer these questions confidently with a oh hell yeah, I'm totally past that, or I've I've accomplished that, then you're probably ready. And then there's the next question of uh, okay, who are you gonna date? Get out there. Get out there. And you're that's a whole other several episodes, probably. But in the meantime, um, we want to appreciate in the meantime, thank you so much for listening. And uh we are on all the socials, as Michelle maybe has not mentioned yet, but that's her job. She wants to.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Yeah, all the socials, you you know what they are Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube. If you uh check us out over there, please follow and subscribe. We would love that and appreciate it so much. And uh get out there, ladies. Get after it. And until next week, stay spicy. Peace out. Bye. Bye.