E156: Ties, Lies, and the Armor We Wear to "Fit In"

What happens when the version of you that earns the applause… isn’t actually you?

In this week's episode, we’re curling up on the couch together — just you and me — for a conversation about what it really costs to survive in systems that were never built with you in mind. I’ll share a moment from a recent coaching session that broke my heart, lit a fire in my chest, and reminded me why I do this work.

You’ll hear the story of a woman who put on the metaphorical (and literal) suit, believing that blending in would finally earn her a seat at the table — and the truth that shattered that belief.

Together, we’ll explore:

• How we learn to adapt, shrink, and armor up just to be taken seriously
• The deep cost of that kind of survival
• Why coaching is the bridge back to your truth — and your power
• And how to begin asking yourself the questions that bring you home

This isn’t just her story — it’s mine. And maybe it’s yours, too.

✨ You’re not too much. You’re not too loud. You’re not a problem to be solved.
 You are a force.
 And you don’t need to become someone else to be worthy of your place in the room.

If this episode stirs something in you — rage, truth, grief, or recognition — don’t let it fade. Share it. Talk about it. Or whisper something brave to yourself right now.

And if you're ready to stop shrinking and start leading with your full voice, I’d love to walk alongside you. Come find me on LinkedIn or Instagram.

With fire,
 Cynthia

Transcript

Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered

Cynthia 0:05

Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the journey back to you. I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break free from the noise and dive deep into what truly matters you. If you're tired of the shoulds, the expectations and the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn't serve you, you're in the right place. This isn't a podcast about easy answers or sugar-coated advice. This is your invitation to reclaim your path, embrace the unknown and become the bold, unapologetic version of yourself that's been waiting to show up. It's time to get unfiltered. Let's get started. Hello, hello, friends, I am so glad that you are here with me today and I'm inviting you to sit down here on the couch with me Because, seriously, if we were in person, I would be handing you a cup of tea or a cup of coffee or a cold drink and we would be settling in for a real talk. I'm just going to get right to it.

Cynthia 1:04

Something happened in a recent coaching session that has been sticking with me and, honestly, it has stirred up a mix of anger, heartbreak and fire that I can't let go of. Now. Here's the story. I am working with this incredible woman, sharp, driven, crystal clear on her value, but somewhere along the way she has started to believe that being herself just wasn't enough, not enough to lead, not enough to be heard, not enough to belong. And maybe you have felt that too. Just take a moment, what comes up for you when you hear that? So what did she do? She did what so many of us have done she put on armor, she adapted, she tried to blend in, she wore a suit and a tie and let me be clear, I am not judging her. She has convinced herself that she has to be one of the guys to be accepted. Now, have you ever put on a mask like that? Maybe it's not a tie, maybe it's something else. Here's the thing that has really gutted me, and that language is bang on the money for how I'm feeling about this.

Building Your Belief Muscle

Cynthia 2:28

If she's accepted, if she ever is and let's be clear, we'll never know, if she's ever really accepted it will not be for who she really is. It will not be for her gifts, her talents, her authenticity. It will be for the mask that she has worn so long that it is mistaken for her gifts, her talents, her authenticity. It will be for the mask that she has worn so long that it is mistaken for her real face and I want to say this loud and clear this is not belonging. This is survival, and survival comes with a cost, and I know this cost because I've paid it myself Dulling my edges, shrinking myself, making myself more digestible so that I wouldn't make anyone uncomfortable, overworking to prove that I deserve to be in that room Pushing down my fire in order to look composed. Perhaps you can relate with me what parts of that feel familiar for you. And this is exactly where coaching can make a huge difference in your leadership and in your life, because it's not just about seeing the pattern. It's about creating space where you can safely unpack it, feel it, process it, be with it and choose a new way forward. Coaching helps you uncover your own truths. Uncover your own truths, gently challenge those survival stories and step into your own power without losing your authenticity.

Asking For What You Need

Cynthia 4:17

I am so excited for my client. We have just started working together and I mean I have no idea what will transpire, but I can guarantee you, with the awareness of this pattern and already the steps that she is taking, this will change her life. But here's the hardest part you have to believe it first. She has to believe it first, right? So since you're here with me on the couch. You have to believe it first, that you are enough exactly as you are, that you are not too much, that you are not too loud, not too passionate, that you are not a problem to be solved. So I invite you to say that with me. I am enough, exactly as I am. And I invite you to repeat it with me I am enough, exactly as I am, even if you never do another thing, say another thing, learn another course, get another certification, get another title, get another raise. I am enough, exactly as I am. That believing in yourself can feel impossible when the world around you keeps sending you the opposite message.

Cynthia 5:41

That's the work, and this is where coaching shines its brightest, because a coach listens, reflects and supports you as you build that belief muscle, the one that says I belong here, I have a voice, I matter, I matter. It's about rewiring the inner narrative and creating new habits that align with the leader you truly want to be, because, let's be clear, the world will try to convince you otherwise, day in and day out, it's going to continue to tell you that your value is conditional. You to tell you that your value is conditional, that blending in is the price for respect, that your voice should be quieter and your presence smaller, and so I invite you to, even though I cannot see you, raise your hand, if you have heard that voice before, inside or out, and I want to say no, you are the table. Your presence, just as you are, is enough. Your presence is the value that you bring to your organizations your gifts, your talents, your genius, your perspective, your point of view. And here's the next step the courage to ask for what you need, ask for space, ask for support, ask for freedom, ask for respect, ask for the right people to take up space without having to become someone else to do it, because asking for what you need can feel really, really scary and unfamiliar, and that's why coaching is so powerful. A coach will walk with you as you explore what support, what space or what respect looks like for you. Coaching helps you craft the courage to ask for what you need and hold you accountable for showing up for yourself in new ways. So what do you need to ask for From them, from others and, yes, more importantly, from yourself, because you deserve to be seen, and not for fitting in, but for standing up.

The Path to Authentic Leadership

Cynthia 8:08

Now let's zoom out for a little bit to the bigger picture here, because this is about the world of work, the systems that we're part of. When people feel like they have to survive instead of belong, everyone loses. Innovation slows when voices are muted. Collaboration breaks down when people hide their true selves and, of course, they hide their true selves if they don't feel like they're safe enough to be themselves. Leaders burn out carrying invisible burdens. Teams miss out on the power of real diversity.

Cynthia 8:48

So how is your workplace? Is it a place where you can truly belong or just survive there? So if you're feeling this, if this is your story, I want to tell you that you are not alone. This isn't just her story, it's our story, and it is time that we rewrite it, because changing deeply ingrained stories and patterns doesn't happen overnight. It's messy, it's challenging, and that's why coaching is the secret sauce.

Cynthia 9:26

Through focused questions, insight building and personalized strategies, coaching helps you move beyond survival mode into thriving mode, unlocking your full potential on your own terms. On your own terms. Why is that important? Because the world does not need more conformity. It needs your fire, it needs your voice, exactly as it is, and so if this episode lit a little something inside you. Maybe it's rage, maybe it's truth, maybe it's grief, maybe it's recognition. Good, don't let it fade. Talk about it, write about it, share it with a friend, a colleague or even yourself in a voice note.

Your Call to Action

Cynthia 10:18

And when you're ready to stop shrinking and start showing up fully as the leader you are not the one they expect come find me on LinkedIn or Instagram. I'm here to walk that path with you. So, friend, what is one small, brave step that you are going to take this week? To show up as yourself? Because I will be right here cheering you on with all of my fire. Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the journey back to you. I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break free from the noise and dive deep into what truly matters you. If you're tired of the shoulds, the expectations and the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn't serve you, you're in the right place. This isn't a podcast about easy answers or sugar-coated advice. This is your invitation to reclaim your path, embrace the unknown and become the bold, unapologetic version of yourself that's been waiting to show up. It's time to get unfiltered. Let's get started.